Should I Shut Up?

Perhaps.

Sometimes in the course of saying what one needs to say, additional thoughts come out at the same time. If it happens, it's because it needs to.

I realize that my blogs and many of my comments might be difficult to read because they're so damn long. But I write mainly for self expression. Communication with others is a secondary goal in most cases.

So perhaps not.

Would you really want me to censor myself? If I did, wouldn't it defeat the purpose of me coming here in the first place?

I am who I am, and I say what I have to say in as many words as it takes. I am incapable of hiding myself, so I just let it all hang out, for better or worse. Do with it what you will.

It's About Time

A little over a year ago, I moved out of my boyfriend's house. He and I had dated for several years, and lived together for two. Our relationship was going no where. It's actually funny now that I think back on it... we didn't really have any major problems. We didn't fight. There was no jealousy. Our life goals were not so different that we couldn't meet in the middle. But for some reason, there was still a deep seated anger and bitterness. We both grew to hate each other, but not for any specific reason.

We never talked about it. Neither of us wanted to deal with it. In the end, it was easier to part ways and move on with our lives as individuals than to try working things out together. I moved into my own apartment and I never looked back.

I've been on my own ever since then, and honestly, I've really enjoyed it. This is the first time I've had extended alone time since before I started dating boys back in high school. Needless to say, it had been a while. This was just the break I needed.

But now that it's been over a year, I'm starting to get that lonely feeling again, like I need some companionship. I think I've finally gotten over the "boys are icky" mentality that I had for so long. I'm starting to think about... *gasp*... dating again.

It's weird even to write that. It's been so far off my radar for such a long time now. I mean, it's been what... 4 or 5 years since the last time I got to know somebody new? What if I don't remember how to meet people anymore? I'm a terrible judge of initial character - first impressions fool me every time. And I'm so retarded when I get nervous. What if I don't know how to act? What if I'm not attractive anymore?

... The anxiety takes hold ...

But you know, when the time is right, I think it will just happen. I'll start branching out socially and meeting new people, and eventually one of them will be someone I'm interested in.

I miss things about guys. Broad strong shoulders. Arms that wrap around me and make me feel safe and loved. The warm chest that turns into my favorite pillow. The stubbly chin that rubs my cheek like sandpaper. That masculine smell that all men have - how can they stink and smell so good?

Mmm... I wish I had a warm boy right now...

I used to wish I had a coin operated boy, like in the Dresden Dolls song. I love that song.

coin operated boy
sitting on the shelf he is just a toy
but i turn him on and he comes to life
automatic joy
that is why i want a coin operated boy

made of plastic and elastic
he is rugged and long-lasting
who could ever ever ask for more
love without complications galore
many shapes and weights to choose from
i will never leave my bedroom
i will never cry at night again
wrap my arms around him and pretend....

coin operated boy
all the other real ones that i destroy
cannot hold a candle to my new boy and i'll
never let him go and i'll never be alone
not with my coin operated boy......

But I think maybe I'm finally ready for some good old fashioned complication in my life, the kind that only comes from hanging out with a real boy.

This should be fun! ;-)