Let's see...
Work:
The Same.
Husband:
Still my favorite.
House:
Some new updates. We had two random concrete slabs in the backyard, and we had them broken up and hauled away so we can have continuous grass... someday. Right now it's mostly dirt and dead things, but we're getting there.
We found out that the back part of our house doesn't have a foundation under it. It's supported by wood beams, resting right on the dirt, and it's been slowly sinking over the years. To make matters worse, some of the wood it totally rotten. So we've torn out the rotten wood, replaced it with new, we're reinforcing the beams with concrete, and in the process they raised the back end of the house by half an inch. Since they had to tear out our back stairs to get to everything, we're also having a little deck built with new back stairs to the yard. Should be nice when it's done. But good grief, I've spent a lot of money recently!
Lazy Entertainment:
We've been absorbed in Netflix Instant Watch. Our queue is ridiculous. I've watched the Avatar (The Last Airbender) animated series (all three seasons) twice now - love that show. Last night we got ourselves hooked on Legend of the Seeker, only to discover it won't be available on Instant Watch after September 1st. Boo Netflix, Booooo! We're attempting to watch all 22 episodes in the next 5 days.
Not So Lazy Entertainment:
I took Joey to see Silversun Pickups in Portland last month. It was his first real concert. We had a blast - they're a good live band. There are at least 3 more concerts I wish I had tickets to (Weezer, Gorillaz, Arcade Fire), but I can't afford it... all my free money is now house money, at least for the foreseeable future.
We had the best afternoon ever at Silver Falls State Park earlier this month with Joey's cousin and his girlfriend. We went there to hike the 6 mile loop, but about a mile in, we found this little spot just off the trail where the river is wide and shallow and the sun is filtered through the trees. We stopped off to rest and take in the beauty. It was so pretty and peaceful, we decided to hang out there for a while. We stayed all afternoon.
Mental/Emotional Well-being:
About as good as it could be, all things considered. My biggest issue at the moment is that I'm always exhausted, and I think it's mainly from interaction overload at work. When I get home, I'm tired and I don't want to see people, and that's been a source of frustration for Joey. But we're working through it. He's been patient, and I've tried to extend myself a little more, albeit in baby steps.
Cats:
Nina's still with me, though we have to rescue her from coughing fits several times a day. She has two inhalers now. Between attacks she's her normal self - fiesty, lovey, independent, and not taking any shit from Louie. Although it seems like Louie knows Nina doesn't feel well - he doesn't get her way much.
Joey has fallen in love with Louie and completely spoils him every chance he gets. He's turned my cat into a small lap dog, and Louie just loves it. Joey has even learned to love Nina, though she won't be held and snuggled like Louie will.
Warcraft:
I wish I could play more. There just isn't enough time in my day, although I find time to squeeze it in now and again. I've been meaning to have a full hermit/warcraft day, but it hasn't happened in a while.
That's about all the news that's fit to print. Joey just came home with take-n-bake pizza, and I just realized that I forgot to preheat the oven! D'oh!
Time for food, loves, lazy, and Legend of the Seeker. :)
Friday, August 27, 2010
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Changes
Wow... where to even start?
I don't think I've been this busy since my last finals week in college. Ok, that might be an exaggeration, but still... it's been crazy.
Joey's been home for just over a month, and we've had some big ups and downs. On the up side, he takes really good care of me. Really. He makes my protein shake in the morning for me, he's been giving Nina her medicine every day, he picks me up from work at lunchtime, he cleans the kitchen when I'm at work, he's made me dinner several times... and he doesn't even ask if it needs to be done, he just does it. It's awesome.
On the down side, he sometimes treats me like I'm one of the assholes he hated living with for the last year in Iraq. He doesn't quite understand my bipolar/depression, or he does but he loses sight of it, and he gets sarcastic, negative, and mean with me. We had a big blow out a couple days ago that took us both a full day to recover from. But it helped. We talked it out... well, more like yelled it out... and we can to an understanding. In the last year, each of us has developed different habits and survival tactics, and now we both have to work hard to adjust to being together again. We're trying. It will be an interesting challenge when we move into our house.
As of yesterday, I am a homeowner. Yay! It feels weird, especially since we're not at all ready to move. When I go inside the house it still feels like I'm looking at someone else's empty house, and all I can see right now are the repairs that will need to be done before we can live there.
I think this is going to be a strange transition for me. I've never done well with major environmental changes, and I've never taken on this much financial responsibility. It freaks me out a little. At the same time, I'm really excited for us to have our own place where we don't share walls with a neighbor, and there's nobody stomping upstairs, and we can do whatever we want to make it ours.
When I see all the repairs that need to be done, I'm caught in the middle between dreading the money and work it will take, and being totally jazzed by the enormous potential. I suppose this is a normal emotional conflict for a first time home buyer. I know I'll get over it after we've lived there for a few weeks.
The house has hardwood floors downstairs, and I really hope that might help with Nina's asthma -- no more gross carpet full of lord knows how many years of dirt and grime.
Nina is still sick, but she seems to be improving. We've got two different inhalers for her, one steroid and one bronchodilator. Her breathing sounds less harsh and she doesn't cough as often. The last time we had a check-up with the vet, he was very impressed that we'd kept up with the inhaler. He said her breathing sounded the best it's been in the last 6 months. That's pretty much all thanks to Joey, because he's able to give her medicine during the day when I'm at work.
Work is... well... work. I'm really at the end of my rope with the environment. I talked to my counselor about during my last visit, and she suggested that I ask for 2 hours away from the group each day. I floated this by a few of my team members, and the same jerky guy who was an asshole before was the only one who challenged it. He doesn't think time away should be scheduled, but taken as-needed. Oddly enough, when I take time away as I need it, he accuses me of non-participation. I can't win with this guy -- and I'm done trying. The team has a few changes in the works that should help improve things a little bit, but it will be weeks before I see any real difference. I think my next step is to go to my manager and ask him to make it happen, with or without team consent.
I've had some odd health issues that I'm trying to get figured out. I've been waiting for weeks to see a specialist. This month my period was late. I've never been late or missed a period before. Naturally, we thought I might be pregnant, but two pregnancy tests were negative. I was starting to worry that something was seriously wrong, but then I finally started my period - 5 days late. Very strange for me. I have some other things going on too, and I wonder if it's all related or just a coincidence. Hopefully the specialist can tell me. At any rate, this is the first time in my whole life that I've felt relieved by the arrival of menstrual cramps. Lol.
Besides that, all the other normal busyness has continued. And now I need to jump on the packing, cleaning and moving, pronto.
I am totally excited for Eclipse and The Last Airbender, both coming out next week! Yay summer movies!
I don't think I've been this busy since my last finals week in college. Ok, that might be an exaggeration, but still... it's been crazy.
Joey's been home for just over a month, and we've had some big ups and downs. On the up side, he takes really good care of me. Really. He makes my protein shake in the morning for me, he's been giving Nina her medicine every day, he picks me up from work at lunchtime, he cleans the kitchen when I'm at work, he's made me dinner several times... and he doesn't even ask if it needs to be done, he just does it. It's awesome.
On the down side, he sometimes treats me like I'm one of the assholes he hated living with for the last year in Iraq. He doesn't quite understand my bipolar/depression, or he does but he loses sight of it, and he gets sarcastic, negative, and mean with me. We had a big blow out a couple days ago that took us both a full day to recover from. But it helped. We talked it out... well, more like yelled it out... and we can to an understanding. In the last year, each of us has developed different habits and survival tactics, and now we both have to work hard to adjust to being together again. We're trying. It will be an interesting challenge when we move into our house.
As of yesterday, I am a homeowner. Yay! It feels weird, especially since we're not at all ready to move. When I go inside the house it still feels like I'm looking at someone else's empty house, and all I can see right now are the repairs that will need to be done before we can live there.
I think this is going to be a strange transition for me. I've never done well with major environmental changes, and I've never taken on this much financial responsibility. It freaks me out a little. At the same time, I'm really excited for us to have our own place where we don't share walls with a neighbor, and there's nobody stomping upstairs, and we can do whatever we want to make it ours.
When I see all the repairs that need to be done, I'm caught in the middle between dreading the money and work it will take, and being totally jazzed by the enormous potential. I suppose this is a normal emotional conflict for a first time home buyer. I know I'll get over it after we've lived there for a few weeks.
The house has hardwood floors downstairs, and I really hope that might help with Nina's asthma -- no more gross carpet full of lord knows how many years of dirt and grime.
Nina is still sick, but she seems to be improving. We've got two different inhalers for her, one steroid and one bronchodilator. Her breathing sounds less harsh and she doesn't cough as often. The last time we had a check-up with the vet, he was very impressed that we'd kept up with the inhaler. He said her breathing sounded the best it's been in the last 6 months. That's pretty much all thanks to Joey, because he's able to give her medicine during the day when I'm at work.
Work is... well... work. I'm really at the end of my rope with the environment. I talked to my counselor about during my last visit, and she suggested that I ask for 2 hours away from the group each day. I floated this by a few of my team members, and the same jerky guy who was an asshole before was the only one who challenged it. He doesn't think time away should be scheduled, but taken as-needed. Oddly enough, when I take time away as I need it, he accuses me of non-participation. I can't win with this guy -- and I'm done trying. The team has a few changes in the works that should help improve things a little bit, but it will be weeks before I see any real difference. I think my next step is to go to my manager and ask him to make it happen, with or without team consent.
I've had some odd health issues that I'm trying to get figured out. I've been waiting for weeks to see a specialist. This month my period was late. I've never been late or missed a period before. Naturally, we thought I might be pregnant, but two pregnancy tests were negative. I was starting to worry that something was seriously wrong, but then I finally started my period - 5 days late. Very strange for me. I have some other things going on too, and I wonder if it's all related or just a coincidence. Hopefully the specialist can tell me. At any rate, this is the first time in my whole life that I've felt relieved by the arrival of menstrual cramps. Lol.
Besides that, all the other normal busyness has continued. And now I need to jump on the packing, cleaning and moving, pronto.
I am totally excited for Eclipse and The Last Airbender, both coming out next week! Yay summer movies!
Monday, April 19, 2010
Long Overdue. Again. Yeah, I suck.
Gah. I've been neglecting again. As usual, lots of stuff keeping me busy, some good, some bad.
Firstly, I would like to point an angry and accusatory finger at the Oregon Army National Guard, or rather the people who organize demobilization ceremonies. Not that this is anything new, but they keep changing dates and times. The last thing I heard was that Joe wouldn't get a ceremony because his unit wouldn't be released until after the ceremony had taken place. That was fine by us, neither one of us is interested in a ceremony.
Well, apparently many families complained, and now they're throwing a makeshift ceremony together at the last minute. Now I have to drive farther, find my way to a new location in a town I'm not familiar with, wait impatiently through a retarded ceremony (my husband will think it's retarded too), and I'll probably have to coordinate with the in-laws who will want to go, whereas before, I was going to pick him up alone. *pouty lower lip* I'm irritated.
Now that that's out of my system...
I had a rough couple weeks at work. I discussed the accommodations issue with my coworkers, and everyone was cool with it except for one asshole coworker - and believe me, I'm mean Asshole with a capitol "A".
The guy questioned whether I even have a valid diagnosis. He said he knows people with bipolar disorder, and they don't have the problems I described of myself. He said if I really did have bipolar disorder I would be seeing a specialist and taking medication. To which I replied, um... I'm doing both...? That's why I'm talking about this in the first place...?
He then steered the conversation in the direction of not trusting me to work as many hours as everyone else because I have a later work schedule and (according to him) I just go home at 5:00 when everyone else leaves. I defended by position by saying that I've had to leave early a few times for appointments, but that I always work at least 40 hours a week if not more, often staying way late, past 7 or 8 o'clock. He said that was completely untrue, basically calling me a liar.
I couldn't believe how contentious the discussion became. Everything this guy said completely flew in the face of all of my values, and for that matter, the culture of trust and respect my department has worked hard to foster. I really wasn't expecting such an angry backlash. It was way over the top. And then he had the nerve to accuse me of exaggerating when I was countering his argument.
Nobody else in the department shared his concerns, in fact a couple of my coworkers backed me up, both calling my statements true and saying that they have no trust issues with me whatsoever because they know I work hard.
But it wasn't enough to appease Mr. Dickhead. He demanded that I somehow track my time and activities after 5:00pm. Nevermind that other people besides me have schedules outside of business hours - none of them are being asked to do anything differently.
I was pretty upset. I wrote an email to my boss, and he was frustrated too. The next day at our retrospective, I called the guy out by name on his constant attempts to put me down and invalidate the things I say. He was outraged, but once again, my coworkers backed me up. Since then, the comments have been less, but not gone completely.
And because I'm a workaholic with an overburdened sense of responsibility, I now feel like I have to work twice as hard and twice as long to satisfy this guy's scrutiny, even though I wasn't doing anything wrong in the first place.
I've had a hard time coming to terms with this. Really, it's not my responsibility to make this guy happy. His paranoia is his problem, not mine. Yet I feel like I have to prove something. Because dammit -- I kick ass, no matter what he thinks. But I've decided that if it comes up again, I'm going to get my boss involved. Nobody should be policing my activities, and I don't owe it to anyone to account for every minute of my work day. The only one who can ask for that is my supervisor, and he hasn't because he knows I do my job.
Grrr... it still makes me angry when I think about it.
Anyway, on to more pleasant things.
The Muse concert was freaking amazing. Best concert ever. Their stage set up and lighting was phenomenal, and of course they performed impeccably like the rock gods they are. Man I love them. I took some bad cell phone photos:
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=43570&id=1667793467&l=8f6f0157b9
The Silversun Pickups opened, and I was excited to see them too. I'd had tickets to see them a while back but didn't make it to the show and always regretted not going. They had a really good energy and there's something that just sort of cute about them. They're a cute band. I don't know how else to put it. Their singer/guitarist is a fairly dynamic performer. They like distortion and muddy chords, which I also like, although I think some of the audience was less than impressed. I had a good time.
Muse had this long opening sequence that really built up the suspense. There were these three huge columns on the stage that looked like sky scrapers. They began to light up, like windows on a building at night coming to life one by one. When they were all lit, they faded away into the lighted silhouettes of people walking up flights of stairs. After several minutes of stair climbing, the people all stopped and stood in place. Then one by one, they started tumbling down as if they'd jumped or fallen. Everything went black for a short moment, and then... the sky scrapers turned red and their curtain coverings fell to reveal Muse - one band member in the middle of each of the three columns, high up above the stage. Totally cool opening.
The best YouTube video I've found of it is here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_XpsfS1mbZg
Different perspective from where I was at, down on the floor.
The bottom half of the columns moved up and down, while the top half remained suspended above the stage. During the second song, the band members were lowered to stage level. They went back up a few times during the show. The drum kit was on a rotating platform. Colors, graphics, and video footage were projected onto the upper half of the columns, and the bottom half when they were elevated. They had these crazy green lasers that were projecting out from the stage, and also towards the stage from the back and sides of the arena - they were literally everywhere you looked.
Matt Bellamy played and sang with passion and presence, as always, though I couldn't see him much of the time because of where I was standing - blocked by tall people. I could almost always see Chris Wolstenholme, the bassist, and he was so amazing. He's so fast - total mastery of his instrument. And he sings back-up totally in tune. I had a bass player crush on him. Dom Howard played amazing drums, but always hard to see him, or any drummer for that matter, behind the drum kit. His column was often raised slightly with his drum platform on top of that, sometimes rotating around so the people behind the stage could see.
It was one of those concerts that was so awesome that it made me a drooling fangirl for a couple weeks afterwards. I desperately hope they make a DVD from this tour.
The same guy who took the video above took some other really good ones too. (I'm putting these here mostly for myself so I can easily ogle these great bands whenever I feel like it!)
Silversun Pickups - Substitution:
http://www.youtube.com/user/Squidvicious#p/a/u/2/1LExanKV_oI
The awesome Muse drum and bass jive on the rotating platform:
http://www.youtube.com/user/Squidvicious#p/a/u/1/5FtyNw9ez0A
Silversun Pickups - Well Thought Out Twinkles:
http://www.youtube.com/user/Squidvicious#p/u/4/_9WILdhTiGo
Muse - Time is Running Out (I was singing the loudest!):
http://www.youtube.com/user/Squidvicious#p/u/6/2ZwEIFFkL_M
The giant "eye" balloons at the end of Plug In Baby, bloodshot with red confetti:
http://www.youtube.com/user/Squidvicious#p/u/3/PrBs2O7_Yd0
Weezer - Island in the Sun. Yeah, it's got nothing to do with Muse, but Rivers Cuomo is just so cool. :-P
http://www.youtube.com/user/Squidvicious#p/u/13/IEtD3_KJEko
Seriously, I strongly considered flying to another city so I could see it again, following them like a groupie. If only I wasn't financially committed to buying a house soon! lol
Ah... that brings me to the house. Er... housES. Yes, that's plural.
The first house, the short sale... nothing new there. Still waiting and receiving no feedback from the seller. It's looking like a lost cause. I've been looking at listings this whole time, keeping my options open though not finding anything decent that I care to look at.
Finally, I found one, and I drove to look at it by myself and discovered that it's really cute inside (through the windows), and has a great yard. I called my realtor and asked to look at the inside. We went the next day. I love this house. In the first 10 minutes I was picturing my furniture inside and deciding what I would do with each room in the house. Then I was picturing how Joe and I would BBQ on the back patio, or sit together on the covered front porch.
I agonized over the decision to put an offer on it. I was hesitant to dive in when Joe hasn't had a chance to look at it yet. I'm really afraid to have it seem like I'm making this major life decision on his behalf. I want him to have a choice, and I want him to know that whatever we decide, we're going to do it together, and any house we buy is ours, as a family. But...
Excitement got the best of me. That, and my realtor told me that we could start the process now, and if Joe comes home, sees the house, and doesn't like it, we can use one of the many standard contingencies to back out without being penalized. So I went for it.
I talked to Joe the next day, and he actually knew what house I was talking about. He likes the neighborhood, and thinks he remembers liking the house. Of course he wants to see it - we're going to arrange a walk-through hopefully at the end of this week after he's home.
After all the excitement and daydreaming about this place, there was a long anti-climactic wait period that's still going on right now. The seller's agent acknowledged our offer by sending us a multiple offer notification. Yuck. Someone else is interested too. That was the last thing we heard. No acceptance, but no refusal either. I'm waiting not-so-patiently and hoping for the best.
Joey will be home on Thursday, and I can't wait. I'm so eager for us to finally be a normal married couple and start our lives together. No more time zone difference, bad phone reception, or unreliable skype calls. No more laying awake each night wondering if he's okay, missing his warmth. No more editing myself when we talk because there's not enough time to say everything. We have all the time in the world now, and I intend to make the very best of it. I'm so happy this is almost over. I makes me smile just thinking about it. :)
Firstly, I would like to point an angry and accusatory finger at the Oregon Army National Guard, or rather the people who organize demobilization ceremonies. Not that this is anything new, but they keep changing dates and times. The last thing I heard was that Joe wouldn't get a ceremony because his unit wouldn't be released until after the ceremony had taken place. That was fine by us, neither one of us is interested in a ceremony.
Well, apparently many families complained, and now they're throwing a makeshift ceremony together at the last minute. Now I have to drive farther, find my way to a new location in a town I'm not familiar with, wait impatiently through a retarded ceremony (my husband will think it's retarded too), and I'll probably have to coordinate with the in-laws who will want to go, whereas before, I was going to pick him up alone. *pouty lower lip* I'm irritated.
Now that that's out of my system...
I had a rough couple weeks at work. I discussed the accommodations issue with my coworkers, and everyone was cool with it except for one asshole coworker - and believe me, I'm mean Asshole with a capitol "A".
The guy questioned whether I even have a valid diagnosis. He said he knows people with bipolar disorder, and they don't have the problems I described of myself. He said if I really did have bipolar disorder I would be seeing a specialist and taking medication. To which I replied, um... I'm doing both...? That's why I'm talking about this in the first place...?
He then steered the conversation in the direction of not trusting me to work as many hours as everyone else because I have a later work schedule and (according to him) I just go home at 5:00 when everyone else leaves. I defended by position by saying that I've had to leave early a few times for appointments, but that I always work at least 40 hours a week if not more, often staying way late, past 7 or 8 o'clock. He said that was completely untrue, basically calling me a liar.
I couldn't believe how contentious the discussion became. Everything this guy said completely flew in the face of all of my values, and for that matter, the culture of trust and respect my department has worked hard to foster. I really wasn't expecting such an angry backlash. It was way over the top. And then he had the nerve to accuse me of exaggerating when I was countering his argument.
Nobody else in the department shared his concerns, in fact a couple of my coworkers backed me up, both calling my statements true and saying that they have no trust issues with me whatsoever because they know I work hard.
But it wasn't enough to appease Mr. Dickhead. He demanded that I somehow track my time and activities after 5:00pm. Nevermind that other people besides me have schedules outside of business hours - none of them are being asked to do anything differently.
I was pretty upset. I wrote an email to my boss, and he was frustrated too. The next day at our retrospective, I called the guy out by name on his constant attempts to put me down and invalidate the things I say. He was outraged, but once again, my coworkers backed me up. Since then, the comments have been less, but not gone completely.
And because I'm a workaholic with an overburdened sense of responsibility, I now feel like I have to work twice as hard and twice as long to satisfy this guy's scrutiny, even though I wasn't doing anything wrong in the first place.
I've had a hard time coming to terms with this. Really, it's not my responsibility to make this guy happy. His paranoia is his problem, not mine. Yet I feel like I have to prove something. Because dammit -- I kick ass, no matter what he thinks. But I've decided that if it comes up again, I'm going to get my boss involved. Nobody should be policing my activities, and I don't owe it to anyone to account for every minute of my work day. The only one who can ask for that is my supervisor, and he hasn't because he knows I do my job.
Grrr... it still makes me angry when I think about it.
Anyway, on to more pleasant things.
The Muse concert was freaking amazing. Best concert ever. Their stage set up and lighting was phenomenal, and of course they performed impeccably like the rock gods they are. Man I love them. I took some bad cell phone photos:
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=43570&id=1667793467&l=8f6f0157b9
The Silversun Pickups opened, and I was excited to see them too. I'd had tickets to see them a while back but didn't make it to the show and always regretted not going. They had a really good energy and there's something that just sort of cute about them. They're a cute band. I don't know how else to put it. Their singer/guitarist is a fairly dynamic performer. They like distortion and muddy chords, which I also like, although I think some of the audience was less than impressed. I had a good time.
Muse had this long opening sequence that really built up the suspense. There were these three huge columns on the stage that looked like sky scrapers. They began to light up, like windows on a building at night coming to life one by one. When they were all lit, they faded away into the lighted silhouettes of people walking up flights of stairs. After several minutes of stair climbing, the people all stopped and stood in place. Then one by one, they started tumbling down as if they'd jumped or fallen. Everything went black for a short moment, and then... the sky scrapers turned red and their curtain coverings fell to reveal Muse - one band member in the middle of each of the three columns, high up above the stage. Totally cool opening.
The best YouTube video I've found of it is here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_XpsfS1mbZg
Different perspective from where I was at, down on the floor.
The bottom half of the columns moved up and down, while the top half remained suspended above the stage. During the second song, the band members were lowered to stage level. They went back up a few times during the show. The drum kit was on a rotating platform. Colors, graphics, and video footage were projected onto the upper half of the columns, and the bottom half when they were elevated. They had these crazy green lasers that were projecting out from the stage, and also towards the stage from the back and sides of the arena - they were literally everywhere you looked.
Matt Bellamy played and sang with passion and presence, as always, though I couldn't see him much of the time because of where I was standing - blocked by tall people. I could almost always see Chris Wolstenholme, the bassist, and he was so amazing. He's so fast - total mastery of his instrument. And he sings back-up totally in tune. I had a bass player crush on him. Dom Howard played amazing drums, but always hard to see him, or any drummer for that matter, behind the drum kit. His column was often raised slightly with his drum platform on top of that, sometimes rotating around so the people behind the stage could see.
It was one of those concerts that was so awesome that it made me a drooling fangirl for a couple weeks afterwards. I desperately hope they make a DVD from this tour.
The same guy who took the video above took some other really good ones too. (I'm putting these here mostly for myself so I can easily ogle these great bands whenever I feel like it!)
Silversun Pickups - Substitution:
http://www.youtube.com/user/Squidvicious#p/a/u/2/1LExanKV_oI
The awesome Muse drum and bass jive on the rotating platform:
http://www.youtube.com/user/Squidvicious#p/a/u/1/5FtyNw9ez0A
Silversun Pickups - Well Thought Out Twinkles:
http://www.youtube.com/user/Squidvicious#p/u/4/_9WILdhTiGo
Muse - Time is Running Out (I was singing the loudest!):
http://www.youtube.com/user/Squidvicious#p/u/6/2ZwEIFFkL_M
The giant "eye" balloons at the end of Plug In Baby, bloodshot with red confetti:
http://www.youtube.com/user/Squidvicious#p/u/3/PrBs2O7_Yd0
Weezer - Island in the Sun. Yeah, it's got nothing to do with Muse, but Rivers Cuomo is just so cool. :-P
http://www.youtube.com/user/Squidvicious#p/u/13/IEtD3_KJEko
Seriously, I strongly considered flying to another city so I could see it again, following them like a groupie. If only I wasn't financially committed to buying a house soon! lol
Ah... that brings me to the house. Er... housES. Yes, that's plural.
The first house, the short sale... nothing new there. Still waiting and receiving no feedback from the seller. It's looking like a lost cause. I've been looking at listings this whole time, keeping my options open though not finding anything decent that I care to look at.
Finally, I found one, and I drove to look at it by myself and discovered that it's really cute inside (through the windows), and has a great yard. I called my realtor and asked to look at the inside. We went the next day. I love this house. In the first 10 minutes I was picturing my furniture inside and deciding what I would do with each room in the house. Then I was picturing how Joe and I would BBQ on the back patio, or sit together on the covered front porch.
I agonized over the decision to put an offer on it. I was hesitant to dive in when Joe hasn't had a chance to look at it yet. I'm really afraid to have it seem like I'm making this major life decision on his behalf. I want him to have a choice, and I want him to know that whatever we decide, we're going to do it together, and any house we buy is ours, as a family. But...
Excitement got the best of me. That, and my realtor told me that we could start the process now, and if Joe comes home, sees the house, and doesn't like it, we can use one of the many standard contingencies to back out without being penalized. So I went for it.
I talked to Joe the next day, and he actually knew what house I was talking about. He likes the neighborhood, and thinks he remembers liking the house. Of course he wants to see it - we're going to arrange a walk-through hopefully at the end of this week after he's home.
After all the excitement and daydreaming about this place, there was a long anti-climactic wait period that's still going on right now. The seller's agent acknowledged our offer by sending us a multiple offer notification. Yuck. Someone else is interested too. That was the last thing we heard. No acceptance, but no refusal either. I'm waiting not-so-patiently and hoping for the best.
Joey will be home on Thursday, and I can't wait. I'm so eager for us to finally be a normal married couple and start our lives together. No more time zone difference, bad phone reception, or unreliable skype calls. No more laying awake each night wondering if he's okay, missing his warmth. No more editing myself when we talk because there's not enough time to say everything. We have all the time in the world now, and I intend to make the very best of it. I'm so happy this is almost over. I makes me smile just thinking about it. :)
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Lunch
I really wanted breakfast for lunch today. I had my heart set on it. But when it came time to decide on an eating destination, I was out-voted. They wanted pizza.
Pizza didn't sound good to me at all. My stomach felt funny and I wanted warming comfort food, not acid and grease. But I grudgingly went along with the majority.
When we arrived at the pizza restaurant, the line was so long that people were standing outside the door. It looked like multiple large groups. Apparently it was "everybody eat pizza for lunch" day. There was no way we could get in and out within our allotted lunch hour. So we bailed.
And went to breakfast.
Isn't it funny how things sometimes work out just the way you want?
I had french toast with a side of bacon, and it was delicious. My tummy was happy. :)
Pizza didn't sound good to me at all. My stomach felt funny and I wanted warming comfort food, not acid and grease. But I grudgingly went along with the majority.
When we arrived at the pizza restaurant, the line was so long that people were standing outside the door. It looked like multiple large groups. Apparently it was "everybody eat pizza for lunch" day. There was no way we could get in and out within our allotted lunch hour. So we bailed.
And went to breakfast.
Isn't it funny how things sometimes work out just the way you want?
I had french toast with a side of bacon, and it was delicious. My tummy was happy. :)
Monday, March 29, 2010
Census, You Suck
Last week the 2010 census form arrived in the mail. I excitedly opened it, looked over the questions, then read the instructions. Then I cried.
The instructions said that I can't count my husband as residing with me because he's overseas with the military and will be counted separately.
Seems like a silly thing to cry over, but the reason why it upset me is because of all the genealogy research I've done over the years. Old census records are some of the best information available about one's ancestors. When I read the instructions I thought, when my great-great-great grandchildren are researching their ancestry, they're going to see a 2010 census record that shows me living alone without my husband. And they may or may not be able to find out why. There's something sad about that.
But genealogy aside, I'm also feeling a bit stubborn. My husband's permanent residence is here. His mail gets delivered here. And in another month, he's coming home. Why can't the census deadline be one month later?
Sigh... I suppose in the grand scheme of things, it really doesn't matter. It's just a form. But it's still hard for me to seal it in an envelope without his name on it. : \
Oh well. At least the title of this blog entry makes me feel a little better. *snicker*
The instructions said that I can't count my husband as residing with me because he's overseas with the military and will be counted separately.
Seems like a silly thing to cry over, but the reason why it upset me is because of all the genealogy research I've done over the years. Old census records are some of the best information available about one's ancestors. When I read the instructions I thought, when my great-great-great grandchildren are researching their ancestry, they're going to see a 2010 census record that shows me living alone without my husband. And they may or may not be able to find out why. There's something sad about that.
But genealogy aside, I'm also feeling a bit stubborn. My husband's permanent residence is here. His mail gets delivered here. And in another month, he's coming home. Why can't the census deadline be one month later?
Sigh... I suppose in the grand scheme of things, it really doesn't matter. It's just a form. But it's still hard for me to seal it in an envelope without his name on it. : \
Oh well. At least the title of this blog entry makes me feel a little better. *snicker*
Thursday, March 25, 2010
The Return Of An Old Friend
I wandered down the aisle of the freezer section, looking for something sinfully sweet and rich to erase the tensions of a long and frustrating day. I peered through the foggy glass at the selection of Haagen Dazs, looking for my usual go-to fix.
Then I saw it.
An unrequited fantasy I've been clinging to since high school. Something I had learned no longer existed. "Discontinued," the website said. Yet there it was, right in front of me.
Midnight Cookies & Cream!
The very sight of it... I froze into place and let out a gasp as my jaw dropped. How can this be? I thought as I stood and stared, perplexed by the sudden inexplicable appearance of my all-time favorite Haagen Dazs flavor. I was rooted to the spot, blinking in disbelief for at least a full minute before my open-mouthed shock melted into an ear-to-ear grin of joyous satisfaction. Finally.
As I hurried through the store to fill my shopping basket, I couldn't stop smiling. I was openly giggly with delight. The other grocery patrons probably thought I was stoned.
Tonight, before my day is over, I will devour and savor it, in all its chocolaty fudgy excellence.
Then I saw it.
An unrequited fantasy I've been clinging to since high school. Something I had learned no longer existed. "Discontinued," the website said. Yet there it was, right in front of me.
Midnight Cookies & Cream!
The very sight of it... I froze into place and let out a gasp as my jaw dropped. How can this be? I thought as I stood and stared, perplexed by the sudden inexplicable appearance of my all-time favorite Haagen Dazs flavor. I was rooted to the spot, blinking in disbelief for at least a full minute before my open-mouthed shock melted into an ear-to-ear grin of joyous satisfaction. Finally.
As I hurried through the store to fill my shopping basket, I couldn't stop smiling. I was openly giggly with delight. The other grocery patrons probably thought I was stoned.
Tonight, before my day is over, I will devour and savor it, in all its chocolaty fudgy excellence.
Monday, March 22, 2010
The Roller Coaster Is Just Getting Started
Last week. For four days straight I was an exhausted, depressed, weepy mess. I stayed home from work on Tuesday. I slept in until almost 2:00pm. I didn't feel better when I got up. I didn't feel better on Wednesday either. Or Thursday. And the entire time I was shuffling around with salt water pouring out of my face, I kept thinking, I don't even know why I'm crying. I just was.
Friday I woke up all chipper and full of energy. I kicked ass at work. I worked late into the evening and I liked it. I got stuff done, and dammit, my code was well designed and bug free. (Take that, sloppy co-workers!)
Saturday was much the same. I woke up at a reasonable time in the morning, I got stuff done around the house, I played WoW. It was a good day. Until Saturday night.
Joey called me on Skype and acted like a complete ass. I don't excuse him for being a jerk (he really was), but my reaction was somewhat disproportionate to the offense. Fortunately I didn't direct it at him, in fact I handled him quite well. It didn't go wrong until afterward, when I crashed head first into a big weepy, mushy mess, all over again. Just from that one interaction!
I cried so hard that it turned into a full-on panic attack. I couldn't stop crying and I couldn't breathe. And again, I was thinking, I don't even know why I'm crying this hard. A few tears were warranted, but sobbing so hard that I'm about to choke on my own tears and suffocate because I can't breathe?
I cried myself to sleep. Next morning, I woke up feeling just fine, as if the sob fest had never happened. Still irritated with Joe, but we talked it out, and I had a pretty decent and productive Sunday. I went to look at a house, and I went back to the house that I already have an offer on. I took loads of pictures of both. I emailed them to Joe. I even tolerated over an hour on the phone with my mom, playing tech support while she signed up for her very first taste of social networking - a shiny new Facebook account.
During the weekend, I became very concerned about my cat, Nina. She's had this cough for the last 6 months. I took her to the vet back in November. She had an x-ray. They noticed she had some stuff in her lungs and her heart was a little enlarged. We tried treating it like it was asthma, although we feared it could be heart disease.
Months later, the asthma medication didn't help, her coughing has gotten harder and more frequent. On Saturday I noticed her energy level was lower than normal. She hunkered down in one place for most of the day. She would fall asleep for a bit, then wake up coughing. She didn't seem to be bathing herself as much as usual. And she had that irritated kitty look on her face like she just plain didn't feel good.
On Sunday, I was prepared to take her to the vet if she got worse, but she remained steady. I called and made an appointment anyway.
Took her in today after work, got a new x-ray, and discovered that she has a lot more stuff in her lungs, and her heart is larger. They gave her a treatment to help drain the stuff, but it's just to manage her symptoms. If I want to find out what's really wrong, and find out if it's treatable, I'd have to take her to a cardiologist.
I'm not sure what to do. I had a bad experience with over-blown cat medical treatment in the past. My little kitty Charlie - he was only 5 months old. He had a congenital defect, a hole in his diaphragm which was letting his abdominal organs come through into his chest, compressing his heart and lungs. Before we knew this, they noticed that his heart was enlarged. Took him to a cardiologist to get the rest of the news. Got him surgery to sew up the hole in his diaphragm. Poor sweet little guy... even after surgery, we had to have him put down. I was devastated. It just wasn't fair.
Am I prepared to go through that again? Am I prepared to put another cat through it?
There's a chance they could find that Nina's condition is treatable. But how much will it cost? Can I afford it? I hate to think like that. She's family to me, and it seems so wrong to be weighing her health against my bank account. But it's a reality, especially as I'm trying to buy a house.
Which brings me back to the other development - after I took pictures of the house on Sunday, I fell in love with it all over again. I really want this place. I see so much potential there. The house inspection is happening tomorrow, and the resulting information could make or break the deal. It will certainly give me a better picture of how much money I can expect to spend on repairs before I move in, since the house is being sold as-is. Hurray for short sales.
On Sunday before I left to go look at houses, I had a nose bleed. I can't remember the last time I had one. It seemed odd. Took a minute to get it to stop, and then I had that salty rusty taste in the back of my throat for the rest of the day.
Tonight while I was waiting at home to pick Nina up from the vet, I had another nose bleed, and this one was worse. Blood gushed out of my nose and dripped over my mouth and chin, and all over my finger tips. I soaked half a dozen kleenex sheets. It felt and tasted like about as much blood went down my throat too. Then ... this is gross ... as I was walking outside to go get Nina, a lump of bloody mucus dropped into the back of my throat, like a rust-flavored loogie. I've never had to spit out a loogie before, especially not a bloody one. It wasn't very pleasant.
Nose bleeds usually aren't serious, I'm just surprised to have had two of them in as many days, when I hadn't had one in... I don't know how many years. I can't even remember. I read about all of the possible side effects of the medications I'm taking. No nose bleed there. But I have had a runny nose pretty consistently for over a month, and I've been blowing or wiping my nose a lot. I've probably dried out my nasal canal. Not a huge deal but still surprising and... gross.
All of this stuff is going on, and I can't talk to Joey about it. He's living in a tent and his schedule is weird. I don't think he can talk on Skype in the tent. When he called me before, he was in some cafe or common area, and it was loud. He hasn't been back there, so we haven't talked. I can't tell him about Nina, or the house, or my nose bleeds. He knows about the emotional roller coaster, but not the latest.
And at work, I've been working on a proposal to get ADA accommodations for bipolar disorder. I may have already mentioned this, I can't remember. Thinking about this stuff is hard enough, trying to write it down in a form that won't sound ridiculous to others is even harder. It makes me feel a little retarded. But I know exactly which aspects of my work environment are causing me problems, and I know how to fix them. The question is whether my team, my boss, and my company will be able to help me out. That remains to be seen.
So once again, I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed by everything - which, once again, is happening all at the same time. I'm starting to think I need to learn some touchy-feely life skills that involve slowing down and not accumulating multiple sources of stress. I seem to be a magnet for it.
Anyway, except for my worry for Nina, today was a decent day. I did okay at work. I didn't get overwhelmed and I wrote good code. I even got to eat eggs, bacon, and chocolate chip pancakes for lunch. You can't go wrong with that. It covers 3 of the 4 food groups - salt, fat, and sugar. If it had been a beer lunch, I would've covered all 4.
Tomorrow I have to decide what to do about Nina. And I have to get my yearly poking and prodding at the doctor's office. Yuck. And I have to pay for a home inspection. And do all the usual daily activities... like maybe work, or something. Super.
I will be happy when Joey's home, when I know what's going to happen with the house, when my work environment is straightened out, when I know what's wrong with my kitty, when... oh, who am I kidding? Everything will happen exactly when and how it needs to. I'm just along for the ride.
Friday I woke up all chipper and full of energy. I kicked ass at work. I worked late into the evening and I liked it. I got stuff done, and dammit, my code was well designed and bug free. (Take that, sloppy co-workers!)
Saturday was much the same. I woke up at a reasonable time in the morning, I got stuff done around the house, I played WoW. It was a good day. Until Saturday night.
Joey called me on Skype and acted like a complete ass. I don't excuse him for being a jerk (he really was), but my reaction was somewhat disproportionate to the offense. Fortunately I didn't direct it at him, in fact I handled him quite well. It didn't go wrong until afterward, when I crashed head first into a big weepy, mushy mess, all over again. Just from that one interaction!
I cried so hard that it turned into a full-on panic attack. I couldn't stop crying and I couldn't breathe. And again, I was thinking, I don't even know why I'm crying this hard. A few tears were warranted, but sobbing so hard that I'm about to choke on my own tears and suffocate because I can't breathe?
I cried myself to sleep. Next morning, I woke up feeling just fine, as if the sob fest had never happened. Still irritated with Joe, but we talked it out, and I had a pretty decent and productive Sunday. I went to look at a house, and I went back to the house that I already have an offer on. I took loads of pictures of both. I emailed them to Joe. I even tolerated over an hour on the phone with my mom, playing tech support while she signed up for her very first taste of social networking - a shiny new Facebook account.
During the weekend, I became very concerned about my cat, Nina. She's had this cough for the last 6 months. I took her to the vet back in November. She had an x-ray. They noticed she had some stuff in her lungs and her heart was a little enlarged. We tried treating it like it was asthma, although we feared it could be heart disease.
Months later, the asthma medication didn't help, her coughing has gotten harder and more frequent. On Saturday I noticed her energy level was lower than normal. She hunkered down in one place for most of the day. She would fall asleep for a bit, then wake up coughing. She didn't seem to be bathing herself as much as usual. And she had that irritated kitty look on her face like she just plain didn't feel good.
On Sunday, I was prepared to take her to the vet if she got worse, but she remained steady. I called and made an appointment anyway.
Took her in today after work, got a new x-ray, and discovered that she has a lot more stuff in her lungs, and her heart is larger. They gave her a treatment to help drain the stuff, but it's just to manage her symptoms. If I want to find out what's really wrong, and find out if it's treatable, I'd have to take her to a cardiologist.
I'm not sure what to do. I had a bad experience with over-blown cat medical treatment in the past. My little kitty Charlie - he was only 5 months old. He had a congenital defect, a hole in his diaphragm which was letting his abdominal organs come through into his chest, compressing his heart and lungs. Before we knew this, they noticed that his heart was enlarged. Took him to a cardiologist to get the rest of the news. Got him surgery to sew up the hole in his diaphragm. Poor sweet little guy... even after surgery, we had to have him put down. I was devastated. It just wasn't fair.
Am I prepared to go through that again? Am I prepared to put another cat through it?
There's a chance they could find that Nina's condition is treatable. But how much will it cost? Can I afford it? I hate to think like that. She's family to me, and it seems so wrong to be weighing her health against my bank account. But it's a reality, especially as I'm trying to buy a house.
Which brings me back to the other development - after I took pictures of the house on Sunday, I fell in love with it all over again. I really want this place. I see so much potential there. The house inspection is happening tomorrow, and the resulting information could make or break the deal. It will certainly give me a better picture of how much money I can expect to spend on repairs before I move in, since the house is being sold as-is. Hurray for short sales.
On Sunday before I left to go look at houses, I had a nose bleed. I can't remember the last time I had one. It seemed odd. Took a minute to get it to stop, and then I had that salty rusty taste in the back of my throat for the rest of the day.
Tonight while I was waiting at home to pick Nina up from the vet, I had another nose bleed, and this one was worse. Blood gushed out of my nose and dripped over my mouth and chin, and all over my finger tips. I soaked half a dozen kleenex sheets. It felt and tasted like about as much blood went down my throat too. Then ... this is gross ... as I was walking outside to go get Nina, a lump of bloody mucus dropped into the back of my throat, like a rust-flavored loogie. I've never had to spit out a loogie before, especially not a bloody one. It wasn't very pleasant.
Nose bleeds usually aren't serious, I'm just surprised to have had two of them in as many days, when I hadn't had one in... I don't know how many years. I can't even remember. I read about all of the possible side effects of the medications I'm taking. No nose bleed there. But I have had a runny nose pretty consistently for over a month, and I've been blowing or wiping my nose a lot. I've probably dried out my nasal canal. Not a huge deal but still surprising and... gross.
All of this stuff is going on, and I can't talk to Joey about it. He's living in a tent and his schedule is weird. I don't think he can talk on Skype in the tent. When he called me before, he was in some cafe or common area, and it was loud. He hasn't been back there, so we haven't talked. I can't tell him about Nina, or the house, or my nose bleeds. He knows about the emotional roller coaster, but not the latest.
And at work, I've been working on a proposal to get ADA accommodations for bipolar disorder. I may have already mentioned this, I can't remember. Thinking about this stuff is hard enough, trying to write it down in a form that won't sound ridiculous to others is even harder. It makes me feel a little retarded. But I know exactly which aspects of my work environment are causing me problems, and I know how to fix them. The question is whether my team, my boss, and my company will be able to help me out. That remains to be seen.
So once again, I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed by everything - which, once again, is happening all at the same time. I'm starting to think I need to learn some touchy-feely life skills that involve slowing down and not accumulating multiple sources of stress. I seem to be a magnet for it.
Anyway, except for my worry for Nina, today was a decent day. I did okay at work. I didn't get overwhelmed and I wrote good code. I even got to eat eggs, bacon, and chocolate chip pancakes for lunch. You can't go wrong with that. It covers 3 of the 4 food groups - salt, fat, and sugar. If it had been a beer lunch, I would've covered all 4.
Tomorrow I have to decide what to do about Nina. And I have to get my yearly poking and prodding at the doctor's office. Yuck. And I have to pay for a home inspection. And do all the usual daily activities... like maybe work, or something. Super.
I will be happy when Joey's home, when I know what's going to happen with the house, when my work environment is straightened out, when I know what's wrong with my kitty, when... oh, who am I kidding? Everything will happen exactly when and how it needs to. I'm just along for the ride.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Ugh
For some reason I really don't feel good today. I've been quiet, despondent, and downright weepy for most of the day, and I'm not sure why. I mean, I know I've got a lot on my mind right, but how is that different from any other day?
I'm thinking about what type of accommodations I should ask for at work, to help me cope with my ADD/bipolar/depression/whatever the heck this is. That's a stressful topic. If I worked in a "normal" department with a "normal" organizational structure, I would only share information about bipolar disorder with my immediate supervisor, and only to let him know what's going on with me in case I perform badly or call in sick because I don't feel well.
But because we have a self-organizing team, and my ability to work (or lack thereof) affects other people's ability to work, not to mention how they evaluate me when it comes time for annual reviews, I felt obliged to tell my whole department of 6 people.
I don't like talking about this stuff at work. It makes me feel like I'm on the spot and somehow isolated.
"I'm defective, please make exceptions for me."
But now that it's out there, I've found that my coworkers really want to be supportive. They want to help me reduce the stress that I feel in the shared workspace. They want to help me feel like I'm performing at 100% like I did back when I had my own private office. That's a good thing. But it also means I now have to make a plan. I have to figure out what might actually help, and it has to be within reason. Like, I probably can't start telecommuting - as much as I would love that. But maybe I can take a few extra breaks. Maybe the company can set me up with my own desk somewhere else in the building so I can go breathe deeply the next time I have an anxiety attack. I'm happy to be thinking about these possibilities, yet ultra stressed out about it too.
The other thing on my mind is Joey. He's going on a mission soon, I don't know where or for how long. And when he comes back, they'll be moved into tents so that the unit that's replacing them can move into they're old living quarters. There's no internet connection in the tents, and no electrical plug-ins of any kind. That means we may not be able to talk for a while. And poor Joey will be in a tent in 100 degree weather without A/C. I both feel bad for him, and sad for myself because I'll miss being able to talk to him.
On the back of my mind is the house. I know there was already an offer on the house before we made ours, but ours is better and we're in first place. But that's all I know. I'm just waiting to hear something... anything. I don't know what to expect - it's a 50/50 shot. I wouldn't be surprised if the deal never closes. I'll be sad if we don't get the house, but I'm prepared for it. We'd find another place. Eventually.
No baby for me just yet. I got my monthly visit from "Aunt Flo". (Yep, I'm that corny.) My doctor said there's still a chance I could be pregnant - like, maybe my period wasn't really a period, but spotting from implantation. But I'm pretty sure it was a regular period. It was heavy enough. So I'm not holding my breath on being pregnant this time around. But that's not a big deal - Joey will be home soon, and we'll try again. Besides, all the fun is in the practicing. :)
Yeah, ok... so I've got some stuff going on. But still... this much stress is not unusual for me, in fact, compared to how I felt back in January when I was interviewing for jobs, I would say I've got less stress now. So why the heck am I so weepy today? I don't understand it. There's no particular reason why I feel emotional, and I'm not especially stressed overall, yet I feel like crap. Is this bipolar depression? Is it because I only slept for 5 hours last night? Am I pregnant afterall and having hormonal mood swings?
Who knows. All I know is, I hope I don't wake up like this tomorrow.
Oh yeah, tomorrow... I started singing in choir again, and rehearsal is tomorrow. I'm really looking forward to it. We're singing Carmina Burana, and I get to sit next to my friend/coworker Victoria. We always have fun singing next to each other. Choir has turned into a bright spot in my week. I didn't want to watch Lost with commercials anyway. :)
Gah... No more weepy tears and puffy face tonight. Now is the time to pick myself up, be grateful for all the good things in my life, and put on a brave face for the world. Because I am brave, dammit.
I'm thinking about what type of accommodations I should ask for at work, to help me cope with my ADD/bipolar/depression/whatever the heck this is. That's a stressful topic. If I worked in a "normal" department with a "normal" organizational structure, I would only share information about bipolar disorder with my immediate supervisor, and only to let him know what's going on with me in case I perform badly or call in sick because I don't feel well.
But because we have a self-organizing team, and my ability to work (or lack thereof) affects other people's ability to work, not to mention how they evaluate me when it comes time for annual reviews, I felt obliged to tell my whole department of 6 people.
I don't like talking about this stuff at work. It makes me feel like I'm on the spot and somehow isolated.
"I'm defective, please make exceptions for me."
But now that it's out there, I've found that my coworkers really want to be supportive. They want to help me reduce the stress that I feel in the shared workspace. They want to help me feel like I'm performing at 100% like I did back when I had my own private office. That's a good thing. But it also means I now have to make a plan. I have to figure out what might actually help, and it has to be within reason. Like, I probably can't start telecommuting - as much as I would love that. But maybe I can take a few extra breaks. Maybe the company can set me up with my own desk somewhere else in the building so I can go breathe deeply the next time I have an anxiety attack. I'm happy to be thinking about these possibilities, yet ultra stressed out about it too.
The other thing on my mind is Joey. He's going on a mission soon, I don't know where or for how long. And when he comes back, they'll be moved into tents so that the unit that's replacing them can move into they're old living quarters. There's no internet connection in the tents, and no electrical plug-ins of any kind. That means we may not be able to talk for a while. And poor Joey will be in a tent in 100 degree weather without A/C. I both feel bad for him, and sad for myself because I'll miss being able to talk to him.
On the back of my mind is the house. I know there was already an offer on the house before we made ours, but ours is better and we're in first place. But that's all I know. I'm just waiting to hear something... anything. I don't know what to expect - it's a 50/50 shot. I wouldn't be surprised if the deal never closes. I'll be sad if we don't get the house, but I'm prepared for it. We'd find another place. Eventually.
No baby for me just yet. I got my monthly visit from "Aunt Flo". (Yep, I'm that corny.) My doctor said there's still a chance I could be pregnant - like, maybe my period wasn't really a period, but spotting from implantation. But I'm pretty sure it was a regular period. It was heavy enough. So I'm not holding my breath on being pregnant this time around. But that's not a big deal - Joey will be home soon, and we'll try again. Besides, all the fun is in the practicing. :)
Yeah, ok... so I've got some stuff going on. But still... this much stress is not unusual for me, in fact, compared to how I felt back in January when I was interviewing for jobs, I would say I've got less stress now. So why the heck am I so weepy today? I don't understand it. There's no particular reason why I feel emotional, and I'm not especially stressed overall, yet I feel like crap. Is this bipolar depression? Is it because I only slept for 5 hours last night? Am I pregnant afterall and having hormonal mood swings?
Who knows. All I know is, I hope I don't wake up like this tomorrow.
Oh yeah, tomorrow... I started singing in choir again, and rehearsal is tomorrow. I'm really looking forward to it. We're singing Carmina Burana, and I get to sit next to my friend/coworker Victoria. We always have fun singing next to each other. Choir has turned into a bright spot in my week. I didn't want to watch Lost with commercials anyway. :)
Gah... No more weepy tears and puffy face tonight. Now is the time to pick myself up, be grateful for all the good things in my life, and put on a brave face for the world. Because I am brave, dammit.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Reluctant Return To Routine
I'm so torn. It feels really good to be writing here again, but the fact that I'm writing here means that I'm neglecting my mood chart and journal, which I really should maintain. I can't seem to do both. I pour myself out into one of them, and there's nothing left for the other. Perhaps I need to morph this blog into my journal somehow.
Anyway... I pulled myself together (mostly) and I'm doing alright.
It still surprises me how much I miss Joey already. When he came home, I couldn't stop looking at him or touching him. I always wanted my hand on his shoulder or knee or in his hand. I wanted to nuzzled my forehead against his and make cyclops eyes at each other. I wanted to put my arms around him constantly.
Of course I knew I'd missed him while he was gone, but I didn't realize exactly how much until he was actually here. I guess I'd gotten so used to the routine of work, Skype, and Warcraft that I learned to zone out and ignore the empty hole.
Having him home was so good. I was elated the entire time. My usually stiff and knotted shoulders completely relaxed. I didn't have headaches. I didn't feel depressed. I had a few anxiety moments in anticipation of big gatherings with lots of people, but for the most part, I did really well at those gatherings. I was just happy and relaxed for days.
Now that I realize how much I missed him and how much I enjoyed having him home, I miss him that much more since he's gone again. I've had a headache every day since he left, and - it never fails - I think I'm getting sick. I have that minor swollen sore throat and achy head congestion that signals the onset of a cold. Seriously... I can't believe how hard it hits me, every freakin' time.
We talked on Skype today for the first time since he got back to Al Asad. I now remember how much I hate Skype. Fuzzy picture, choppy sound, and worst of all... no hugs.
But I'm grateful for the time we spent together. It was easily the best vacation I can remember. And he'll be home again soon.
Joey keeps mentioning pregnancy and it's getting me really antsy. I don't know if I'm pregnant or not, and I'm not sure how to tell until I miss a period. I don't want to get my hopes up and then be disappointed when I have to use one of the low quality jumbo tampons at work. :(
I am waiting somewhat impatiently for news on the house. We made an offer on a house we both love, but it's a short sale, which means it could take a while for the deal to close, if it closes at all. I've been looking at online listings for other houses, but I haven't seen any I like as much as this one. I'm trying to have a back-up plan, but it's not working out that way. Much like the pregnancy, I don't want to get my hopes up and then be disappointed when the house deal falls through.
There's so much to wait for right now. Husband. House. Pregnancy. The only thing I don't have to wait for happens to be the one thing I would gladly wait forever for... Work. The source of much of my anxiety and stress. Perhaps it's time to place my blind faith and a throw-away dollar in the lottery again. Who knows?
Well it's time for me to take a horse-pill-sized vitamin C and go to bed. It's back to the routine tomorrow.
Anyway... I pulled myself together (mostly) and I'm doing alright.
It still surprises me how much I miss Joey already. When he came home, I couldn't stop looking at him or touching him. I always wanted my hand on his shoulder or knee or in his hand. I wanted to nuzzled my forehead against his and make cyclops eyes at each other. I wanted to put my arms around him constantly.
Of course I knew I'd missed him while he was gone, but I didn't realize exactly how much until he was actually here. I guess I'd gotten so used to the routine of work, Skype, and Warcraft that I learned to zone out and ignore the empty hole.
Having him home was so good. I was elated the entire time. My usually stiff and knotted shoulders completely relaxed. I didn't have headaches. I didn't feel depressed. I had a few anxiety moments in anticipation of big gatherings with lots of people, but for the most part, I did really well at those gatherings. I was just happy and relaxed for days.
Now that I realize how much I missed him and how much I enjoyed having him home, I miss him that much more since he's gone again. I've had a headache every day since he left, and - it never fails - I think I'm getting sick. I have that minor swollen sore throat and achy head congestion that signals the onset of a cold. Seriously... I can't believe how hard it hits me, every freakin' time.
We talked on Skype today for the first time since he got back to Al Asad. I now remember how much I hate Skype. Fuzzy picture, choppy sound, and worst of all... no hugs.
But I'm grateful for the time we spent together. It was easily the best vacation I can remember. And he'll be home again soon.
Joey keeps mentioning pregnancy and it's getting me really antsy. I don't know if I'm pregnant or not, and I'm not sure how to tell until I miss a period. I don't want to get my hopes up and then be disappointed when I have to use one of the low quality jumbo tampons at work. :(
I am waiting somewhat impatiently for news on the house. We made an offer on a house we both love, but it's a short sale, which means it could take a while for the deal to close, if it closes at all. I've been looking at online listings for other houses, but I haven't seen any I like as much as this one. I'm trying to have a back-up plan, but it's not working out that way. Much like the pregnancy, I don't want to get my hopes up and then be disappointed when the house deal falls through.
There's so much to wait for right now. Husband. House. Pregnancy. The only thing I don't have to wait for happens to be the one thing I would gladly wait forever for... Work. The source of much of my anxiety and stress. Perhaps it's time to place my blind faith and a throw-away dollar in the lottery again. Who knows?
Well it's time for me to take a horse-pill-sized vitamin C and go to bed. It's back to the routine tomorrow.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Loss
I can't believe how much I crash whenever Joe leaves home. It happens every time yet it always catches me off guard. You'd think I'd be used to this by now. I've been in a funk all day, and I kinda just want to go back to hiding and sleeping all the time like I used to. That's my comfort zone.
I get this feeling sometimes like I imagined everything. When Joey's gone, our life together seems so far away that it's almost not real, even though I just woke up next to him this morning. It feels like that was a different day. My world stops when he leaves, like I skipped off the track and got stalled in some tangent reality.
I never thought another person could give meaning and purpose to my life. Everything makes sense when Joey's home. I know what I want, I know what I'm doing, and I know I can make it because he's right there beside me. His absence leaves such a gaping hole that I feel disoriented and confused.
What the heck am I doing today? Why am I doing it? Is there a point to all this?
I'm not really sure. It's all muddled, I can't think clearly.
But I know this will pass, we've only a month and a half to go. I have to pull myself together and get on with it. He'll be back home soon and I'll wake up next to him again, just as sure of myself as I was yesterday. My world will keep turning and everything in it will be right.
I just have to hold on.
I get this feeling sometimes like I imagined everything. When Joey's gone, our life together seems so far away that it's almost not real, even though I just woke up next to him this morning. It feels like that was a different day. My world stops when he leaves, like I skipped off the track and got stalled in some tangent reality.
I never thought another person could give meaning and purpose to my life. Everything makes sense when Joey's home. I know what I want, I know what I'm doing, and I know I can make it because he's right there beside me. His absence leaves such a gaping hole that I feel disoriented and confused.
What the heck am I doing today? Why am I doing it? Is there a point to all this?
I'm not really sure. It's all muddled, I can't think clearly.
But I know this will pass, we've only a month and a half to go. I have to pull myself together and get on with it. He'll be back home soon and I'll wake up next to him again, just as sure of myself as I was yesterday. My world will keep turning and everything in it will be right.
I just have to hold on.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Long Overdue Updates
It just occurred to me that I've completely neglected my blog for the last month.
My mental health specialist has me keeping a mood chart and journal, and the writing I do there has ended up taking the place of the writing I do here.
Some updates:
The job search...
I ended up staying at my company in the same position, but with a huge raise - way more than I expected them to offer me. It wasn't just the money that made me stay - I learned some things about the prospective new job that I didn't like very much. I think I would have been leaving one crappy situation for another. No point in that, especially if the current crappy situation can be improved with more money.
Things still aren't great at my job, but we're finally starting to move towards resolving some issues, and that gives me hope. But if things don't improve within a few months, I will very likely start looking for jobs again. For now at least, I'm content to let things flow and see where it all goes.
Joe's leave...
I was expecting to pick Joey up from the airport on 2/16, sometime in the evening. Instead, he surprised me at work right after lunch, in front of my whole department and several onlookers from other departments. I was embarrassed but so so excited and happy. I've been on vacation since then and it's been blissful.
Best vacation ever.
Joey goes back to Iraq next week, and then he should be home from deployment at the end of April. We don't have much longer to go!
Joey has become a World of Warcraft addict. This, after he ridiculed me for months for being a WoW nerd! I think I've created a monster. :)
Future plans...
We've started looking at houses. We didn't plan on doing it, it just happened... we both started browsing listings on the internet, and we got excited enough about a few houses to go drive around and look at them. Most were empty so we were able to look into the windows and walk around the yards. There are two we want to look inside. A friend of mine is a realtor, so we're meeting with him tomorrow to get some information and hopefully tour those two homes.
We are also casually trying to get pregnant. I say casually because it's not like we're "trying" trying. More like we're not using protection, and if it happens we'd both be happy about it, but if it doesn't, we know it will when the time is right.
My mental health...
I'm taking 3 medications now, and despite the fact that I was uneasy about trying them, they have actually helped a lot. I'm not depressed, I don't have anxiety attacks, and I'm sleeping through the night consistently. I feel so much better! On top of that, I seem to be able to deal with loud and distracting group situations better than I did before. I still get exhausted by it and need time to recharge, but I don't shut down like I did before.
My doctor wanted to start me on a fourth medication, but it's associated with birth defects if taken the first trimester, and since there's a chance I might become pregnant, we opted to hold off for now.
Things have been really good these last couple of weeks. I don't go back to work until 3/8, so I've got another whole week to relax.
I've got some photos up on Facebook...
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=39766&id=1667793467&l=32a69db1a2
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=40433&id=1667793467&l=91d3004dc2
That's it for my updates for now. :)
My mental health specialist has me keeping a mood chart and journal, and the writing I do there has ended up taking the place of the writing I do here.
Some updates:
The job search...
I ended up staying at my company in the same position, but with a huge raise - way more than I expected them to offer me. It wasn't just the money that made me stay - I learned some things about the prospective new job that I didn't like very much. I think I would have been leaving one crappy situation for another. No point in that, especially if the current crappy situation can be improved with more money.
Things still aren't great at my job, but we're finally starting to move towards resolving some issues, and that gives me hope. But if things don't improve within a few months, I will very likely start looking for jobs again. For now at least, I'm content to let things flow and see where it all goes.
Joe's leave...
I was expecting to pick Joey up from the airport on 2/16, sometime in the evening. Instead, he surprised me at work right after lunch, in front of my whole department and several onlookers from other departments. I was embarrassed but so so excited and happy. I've been on vacation since then and it's been blissful.
Best vacation ever.
Joey goes back to Iraq next week, and then he should be home from deployment at the end of April. We don't have much longer to go!
Joey has become a World of Warcraft addict. This, after he ridiculed me for months for being a WoW nerd! I think I've created a monster. :)
Future plans...
We've started looking at houses. We didn't plan on doing it, it just happened... we both started browsing listings on the internet, and we got excited enough about a few houses to go drive around and look at them. Most were empty so we were able to look into the windows and walk around the yards. There are two we want to look inside. A friend of mine is a realtor, so we're meeting with him tomorrow to get some information and hopefully tour those two homes.
We are also casually trying to get pregnant. I say casually because it's not like we're "trying" trying. More like we're not using protection, and if it happens we'd both be happy about it, but if it doesn't, we know it will when the time is right.
My mental health...
I'm taking 3 medications now, and despite the fact that I was uneasy about trying them, they have actually helped a lot. I'm not depressed, I don't have anxiety attacks, and I'm sleeping through the night consistently. I feel so much better! On top of that, I seem to be able to deal with loud and distracting group situations better than I did before. I still get exhausted by it and need time to recharge, but I don't shut down like I did before.
My doctor wanted to start me on a fourth medication, but it's associated with birth defects if taken the first trimester, and since there's a chance I might become pregnant, we opted to hold off for now.
Things have been really good these last couple of weeks. I don't go back to work until 3/8, so I've got another whole week to relax.
I've got some photos up on Facebook...
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=39766&id=1667793467&l=32a69db1a2
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=40433&id=1667793467&l=91d3004dc2
That's it for my updates for now. :)
Monday, January 25, 2010
Getting Closer
Job decisions. Gah!
I applied for two jobs, got two interviews, and became a finalist for both. One of them offered me a position.
I should be happy and excited about this. People want to hire me because I don't suck. I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me!
But for some reason this has become a very melancholy and overwhelming process.
I realized while being interviewed that I say things like "my company", "my team", and "our software", implying a sense of pride, ownership, and belonging. I've always taken pride in my work, but I don't think I realized how much my company has become a part of me. It's practically part of my identity now, and that's not necessarily a bad thing.
That makes me think twice about walking away, especially when the job offer I got isn't a great one. It's not bad, but it's not what I hoped for. I did like the people who interviewed me, and I'm flattered that they were impressed with me even though I'm lacking some of the experience they were looking for. I would probably enjoy their laid back atmosphere. But is that enough? Would I really be better off?
Today my CEO asked to talk to me about why I'm looking for jobs. He told me that the company wants to work with me to solve some of the problems I've been having with the shared workspace, and he said he hopes I'll stay. This is coming from a man who thinks turnover is a good thing for a software team because it gets staleness out and brings new talent in. I guess he doesn't think I'm stale.
After our conversation, the CEO authorized my boss to make me a counter-offer. But my boss took all day to get his shit together, and I didn't hear from him until I had left work and was on my way to workout class. He asked me to talk with him first thing tomorrow. And he said this (I quote): "We're gonna make it an easy decision for you."
Does that mean what I think it means?
Tomorrow I am also meeting with the people who offered me the job to ask them questions and try to learn more about what they do, how they do it, and whether I'd be a good fit there culturally. It should be an interesting, if not hectic day.
I've been feeling so overwhelmed lately... I hope the anticipation of tomorrow's events don't keep me up all night. I really need to be rested for this. Maybe it's a NyQuil night...
A decision will be made soon.
I applied for two jobs, got two interviews, and became a finalist for both. One of them offered me a position.
I should be happy and excited about this. People want to hire me because I don't suck. I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me!
But for some reason this has become a very melancholy and overwhelming process.
I realized while being interviewed that I say things like "my company", "my team", and "our software", implying a sense of pride, ownership, and belonging. I've always taken pride in my work, but I don't think I realized how much my company has become a part of me. It's practically part of my identity now, and that's not necessarily a bad thing.
That makes me think twice about walking away, especially when the job offer I got isn't a great one. It's not bad, but it's not what I hoped for. I did like the people who interviewed me, and I'm flattered that they were impressed with me even though I'm lacking some of the experience they were looking for. I would probably enjoy their laid back atmosphere. But is that enough? Would I really be better off?
Today my CEO asked to talk to me about why I'm looking for jobs. He told me that the company wants to work with me to solve some of the problems I've been having with the shared workspace, and he said he hopes I'll stay. This is coming from a man who thinks turnover is a good thing for a software team because it gets staleness out and brings new talent in. I guess he doesn't think I'm stale.
After our conversation, the CEO authorized my boss to make me a counter-offer. But my boss took all day to get his shit together, and I didn't hear from him until I had left work and was on my way to workout class. He asked me to talk with him first thing tomorrow. And he said this (I quote): "We're gonna make it an easy decision for you."
Does that mean what I think it means?
Tomorrow I am also meeting with the people who offered me the job to ask them questions and try to learn more about what they do, how they do it, and whether I'd be a good fit there culturally. It should be an interesting, if not hectic day.
I've been feeling so overwhelmed lately... I hope the anticipation of tomorrow's events don't keep me up all night. I really need to be rested for this. Maybe it's a NyQuil night...
A decision will be made soon.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Decision Over Analyzed
Tough choices ahead.
The job offer was for less money than I'd hoped. It's not a bad offer - they have awesome benefits and a casual, flexible work environment. But I had sort of hoped it would be a big enough offer that my decision would be easy.
No such luck.
When I combine salary and benefits, the new job and my current job come very, very close. So now I'm looking at people, culture, environment, and future opportunities provided by each job. The "soft" benefits. It's hard to make a decision based on those things - they're much harder to measure than dollar figures.
My boss said he would find out on Monday what kind of counter-offer my company can make. And on Tuesday, I'm meeting the prospective new employer for lunch to ask questions and learn. Hopefully I'll be able to make a decision after that.
Of course, I wouldn't be me if I didn't over-analyze the crap out of this. The job decision has got me thinking about longer term issues. If I take a new job, I'm committing to remain there for the next 2-5 years. That means I'm committing to remaining in Salem for that long too.
2 years isn't a huge deal, although it's longer than I would like. Joey will be going to school for the next 2 years anyway, and school for him is in Salem. So I'm resigned to that much time. But 5 years...?
For some reason I've had extra longing for the Puget Sound this weekend. I think it's because I like to sit by the water when I need to think about things, and these last few days, I've had a lot to think about. I miss going down to the gray beach and wandering around with my head down, looking at the different shapes and colors of the rocks and shells under my feet, how the dry ones look different than the wet ones, and how the wet ones change just a little bit with each lapping wave that washes over them.
I miss being closer to my family too. It's gotten harder and harder for me to visit them often, and my mom really can't come to visit me - she can't afford it, and she's got too much back pain to drive that far. And I don't have a place for her to sleep anyway, since we've filled our spare bedroom with random storage items.
I think I'm starting to feel lop-sided because Joey has all these family members who are right here in town, while my immediate family is 5 hours away. Especially when I think about having kids. I don't want to have a baby without my mom being close. She would be crushed, and so would I. In the back of my mind, I'm almost half-way thinking about going back on the pill until I figure out what I'm doing with my life. Where am I going to be in the next 2-5 years?
If I take this new job, I'll be right here, in the town I've been trying to get out of for the last 5 years. But would I be any worse off if I stayed at my current job? I'd still be here for 2 years while Joey's in school.
My decision comes back to culture and soft benefits, because no matter where I end up for the next 2 years, I want it to be some place where I can grow and be happy. But if my company gave me a big counter-offer, it would be hard to turn it down.
So can I learn to be happy at my company? If I could, would I have started looking for jobs in the first place? Would more money or a bigger title change that?
Or maybe more importantly, if I'm going to stay in an area where I don't want to be, at least I should pick the job that gives me the most personal fulfillment. At least I can have some control over that one part of my life.
The new employer would let me take classes during the day. That' impossible at my current job. I could learn anything I want to. I could even finally get that master's degree I've been thinking about ever since I graduated from college.
The current job has all my best friends, the people who have become my family. Before I married Joe, those friends were the only family I had in town, and they were there for me when it mattered. I'd have to start all over at a new job, and likely leave old friends behind.
Tough choices.
I wish I could go sit by the water and think.
In the meantime, I've had this song stuck in my head for the last three days, with images of the amusing video that accompanies it. It describes a day in the life of an average programmer, in an Office Space sort of way. I'm going to post it here just so I can watch it over and over again. (As if I haven't already.)
Enjoy.
The job offer was for less money than I'd hoped. It's not a bad offer - they have awesome benefits and a casual, flexible work environment. But I had sort of hoped it would be a big enough offer that my decision would be easy.
No such luck.
When I combine salary and benefits, the new job and my current job come very, very close. So now I'm looking at people, culture, environment, and future opportunities provided by each job. The "soft" benefits. It's hard to make a decision based on those things - they're much harder to measure than dollar figures.
My boss said he would find out on Monday what kind of counter-offer my company can make. And on Tuesday, I'm meeting the prospective new employer for lunch to ask questions and learn. Hopefully I'll be able to make a decision after that.
Of course, I wouldn't be me if I didn't over-analyze the crap out of this. The job decision has got me thinking about longer term issues. If I take a new job, I'm committing to remain there for the next 2-5 years. That means I'm committing to remaining in Salem for that long too.
2 years isn't a huge deal, although it's longer than I would like. Joey will be going to school for the next 2 years anyway, and school for him is in Salem. So I'm resigned to that much time. But 5 years...?
For some reason I've had extra longing for the Puget Sound this weekend. I think it's because I like to sit by the water when I need to think about things, and these last few days, I've had a lot to think about. I miss going down to the gray beach and wandering around with my head down, looking at the different shapes and colors of the rocks and shells under my feet, how the dry ones look different than the wet ones, and how the wet ones change just a little bit with each lapping wave that washes over them.
I miss being closer to my family too. It's gotten harder and harder for me to visit them often, and my mom really can't come to visit me - she can't afford it, and she's got too much back pain to drive that far. And I don't have a place for her to sleep anyway, since we've filled our spare bedroom with random storage items.
I think I'm starting to feel lop-sided because Joey has all these family members who are right here in town, while my immediate family is 5 hours away. Especially when I think about having kids. I don't want to have a baby without my mom being close. She would be crushed, and so would I. In the back of my mind, I'm almost half-way thinking about going back on the pill until I figure out what I'm doing with my life. Where am I going to be in the next 2-5 years?
If I take this new job, I'll be right here, in the town I've been trying to get out of for the last 5 years. But would I be any worse off if I stayed at my current job? I'd still be here for 2 years while Joey's in school.
My decision comes back to culture and soft benefits, because no matter where I end up for the next 2 years, I want it to be some place where I can grow and be happy. But if my company gave me a big counter-offer, it would be hard to turn it down.
So can I learn to be happy at my company? If I could, would I have started looking for jobs in the first place? Would more money or a bigger title change that?
Or maybe more importantly, if I'm going to stay in an area where I don't want to be, at least I should pick the job that gives me the most personal fulfillment. At least I can have some control over that one part of my life.
The new employer would let me take classes during the day. That' impossible at my current job. I could learn anything I want to. I could even finally get that master's degree I've been thinking about ever since I graduated from college.
The current job has all my best friends, the people who have become my family. Before I married Joe, those friends were the only family I had in town, and they were there for me when it mattered. I'd have to start all over at a new job, and likely leave old friends behind.
Tough choices.
I wish I could go sit by the water and think.
In the meantime, I've had this song stuck in my head for the last three days, with images of the amusing video that accompanies it. It describes a day in the life of an average programmer, in an Office Space sort of way. I'm going to post it here just so I can watch it over and over again. (As if I haven't already.)
Enjoy.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
On A Roll
For once, I'm feeling pretty good about myself and my place in the universe. I feel I must capture this in writing so I can look back on it fondly the next time everything seems impossible. This will be proof that good things happen, even for me.
Wellbutrin helped improve my depression, but I was having really horrible anxiety, especially related to work. I was literally having a panic attack every Sunday night and every Monday morning before work, and I wasn't sleeping well on most nights. This of course led to complete lack of focus or competence at work. The nurse gave me Buspar, which I'd never heard of before. Much to my surprise, it has greatly reduced my anxiety, and made me feeling like an almost-healthy human being again.
My job continues to be stressful and frustrating, but I finally started doing something about it. I applied for two jobs and got two interviews, both of which went very well. In this economy, that's a feat in and of itself. One of the jobs has just finished checking my references and intends to make a verbal job offer tomorrow. Very exciting!
Today I talked to my boss about the job offer, letting him know that he might receive a phone call for a reference check. He asked me if there was anything he could do to get me to stay. I told him that if the offer is good, there's probably not much he can do. He asked me to at least give him the opportunity to make a counter-offer.
Apparently I'm in high demand, and I couldn't be more surprised! Now I will have two job offers to choose from.
And, in a bizarre twist of fate, my company decided to adjust the pay scale for my current position, which resulted in me getting an unexpected raise! That's an extra bargaining chip for salary negotiation with the upcoming job offer! Who knew?!
Most importantly, Joey will be home in less than a month now, and I absolutely cannot wait! I will be so incredibly happy to hug him again.
I didn't think it possible, but this year is off to a great start. I feel blessed. :)
Wellbutrin helped improve my depression, but I was having really horrible anxiety, especially related to work. I was literally having a panic attack every Sunday night and every Monday morning before work, and I wasn't sleeping well on most nights. This of course led to complete lack of focus or competence at work. The nurse gave me Buspar, which I'd never heard of before. Much to my surprise, it has greatly reduced my anxiety, and made me feeling like an almost-healthy human being again.
My job continues to be stressful and frustrating, but I finally started doing something about it. I applied for two jobs and got two interviews, both of which went very well. In this economy, that's a feat in and of itself. One of the jobs has just finished checking my references and intends to make a verbal job offer tomorrow. Very exciting!
Today I talked to my boss about the job offer, letting him know that he might receive a phone call for a reference check. He asked me if there was anything he could do to get me to stay. I told him that if the offer is good, there's probably not much he can do. He asked me to at least give him the opportunity to make a counter-offer.
Apparently I'm in high demand, and I couldn't be more surprised! Now I will have two job offers to choose from.
And, in a bizarre twist of fate, my company decided to adjust the pay scale for my current position, which resulted in me getting an unexpected raise! That's an extra bargaining chip for salary negotiation with the upcoming job offer! Who knew?!
Most importantly, Joey will be home in less than a month now, and I absolutely cannot wait! I will be so incredibly happy to hug him again.
I didn't think it possible, but this year is off to a great start. I feel blessed. :)
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