Winter

The thing I've always hated about christmas is how it's become a commercial holiday that's all about getting stuff. Family members stress out over buying the "right" gifts. Kids get greedy about opening presents early. I've never liked that, even when I was a kid on the receiving end.

When I was a kid, the things I loved about christmas were spending time with friends and family, eating good food, and staying cozy inside when it was cold and dark outside. But those things aren't really specific to christmas - I like to do them during the whole winter season.

The solstice is important to me because it's the longest night of the year. It's the turning point between seasons. Up until that point, it's been getting darker and darker with each day. But after that point, the light starts returning again and we're on our way back to spring and summer. I guess it's more of an observation of nature than a holiday.

Sometimes people ask me what I do to celebrate solstice, and they don't get it when I say "nothing". I suppose I could celebrate. Other pagans have solstice traditions that aren't far off from christmas traditions -- feasting to celebrate the last harvest, putting up lights to illuminate the long winter nights, decorating trees, although usually outside trees, not ones you cut and bring into your living room. I like doing all those things. I just haven't done them in the last few years because I've been alone, and because for me the simple observation and appreciation of the season is a daily celebration in and of itself.

I love this time of year. I love frost and fog and cold and darkness. I love it because it makes my home feel that much more warm and safe. I love it because it's a transition and a time of rest. All the plants and animals are dormant, regaining strength and energy, waiting to burst out again in the spring. It's a quiet time, a time of reflection, a time to embrace the dark and be grateful for the light.

For me, christmas is just another day. It's a day to celebrate, just like any other day during this season.

Last night someone asked me if my kids would celebrate christmas. To be honest, I really hadn't thought about it yet.

I remember being so irritated with my mom for putting on the whole show of christmas for my baby sister, when we hadn't celebrated christmas for years before she was born. What bothered me about it was that it was all about presents. That's how my sister grew up, and to this day at age 17, she still thinks she's entitled to get stuff at christmas time. She cares nothing about spending time with family or observing the winter season, and it's never even crossed her mind to give to others.

What's extra frustrating is that my mom doesn't even believe in presents at christmas time, at least not in the commercial obligation sense. She believes in enjoying the whole season, just like I do. But she failed to pass that appreciation on to my sister because she focused on getting her stuff, always bigger and more than the year before. Now my sister thinks christmas sucks if she doesn't get all the stuff she wanted. That really bothers me a lot. It's like she missed the whole point.

I will encourage my children to celebrate during this season, and they can celebrate christmas specifically if they want to. I will leave that choice up to them. But I'm going to make damn sure that it's not just about getting free stuff. It should be a family time.

We can make big dinners together. They can help me bake cookies. We can all go play in the snow. If we're lucky enough to have a fireplace, we can roast marshmallows and make s'mores, or read stories together. If I could afford it, maybe I would take my children on a small vacation during the winter season. Nothing fancy or too far away - maybe even just stay with my mom for a couple days. It should be something to remind them that we're a family unit and we celebrate by being together. Presents are appreciated, but secondary. They should be grateful for the season and for the time spent with friends and family, whether they get presents or not. And if they're invited to go somewhere, they should contribute in some way. Help with dinner or bring food to share. I don't want my kids to be greedy little gift mongers who don't understand or care about the spirit of the season.

I hope my husband will be okay with that. His family celebrates christmas, and in general, they do so by getting together and sharing dinner. But there's also some gift greediness. I hope our kids won't fall into that attitude.

I miss my husband more than usual at this time of year. I didn't expect the holiday season to be any different than the rest of the year, but it really is. I like to spend this time with the people I love, but the person I love the most isn't here. I've never spent the holidays with Joe before. Last year, he was out of state, and this year he's overseas. I'm really sad without him.

But I'm also grateful that he's alive and safe, and if all goes well, we'll see each in just over a month when he comes home on leave. Up until this last week, his leave seemed so far away. Now it's actually within reach, and I'm so excited.

We'll have to wait until next year to start them, but I hope we'll have our own winter holiday traditions that we can both be proud of.

I Miss Joey

That is all.

Reflect

I feel bad for being so negative earlier. It's true, my job is a major source of stress and anger, but I don't like being angry. So even though I hate the situation right now, I want to take time to recognize and appreciate the blessings my job has brought me over the years.

One nice thing I can say about my job is that I love the friends I've made while working there. I've gotten some really nice christmas cards from several people, and had some good holiday related talks with others.

I've always been down on christmas cards, partly because I don't celebrate christmas, but mostly because a pre-printed card with your name signed in it doesn't seem very personal or meaningful. It's just a token, and in my opinion, a waste of paper.

But this year more than ever before, I've gotten some cards with really thoughtful personal notes inside, pictures of families, which I love, and in one particular case, a mason jar full of homemade alcohol. Good stuff. It reminds me that I have some great friends, people who care about me, who went out of their way to turn an ordinary token into something more, something I never appreciated until now, but will forever remember and cherish.

I would not have met those people if it weren't for my job.

I can't forget that. For all the frustration I feel at work, there is always someone with a smile to remind me that I'm not alone, and that I'm in good company.

Maybe that's the real essence of christmas that I've always been missing. Maybe I should give this holiday another chance...

Vent

I'm writing at work. I haven't done this in a while because I can't usually get away with it. But today I'm daring because I really need to vent.

I *HATE* my job.

Yes, I emphasized the word "hate". I feel that strongly.

It's not the work itself. I still love writing software, although not so much that I'm jumping at the chance to learn new languages and technologies. I just enjoy problem solving.

What I can't stand is the way we go about writing software now, and the environment in which we do it. I'm entirely at the end of my rope.

Every day that I come here, I'm unhappy. I'm either sad and on the verge of tears, or I'm anxious and I can't think straight, or I'm angry and I want to punch someone. The only times I'm ever happy are when everyone else has left for the day and I get to sit in a room by myself like the old days.

I'm applying for other jobs, but it's not happening fast enough. There aren't many jobs available. And truthfully, I don't want to leave my company altogether, I just don't want to be part of this department... at least not the current incarnation of it.

Anyway... I have to get back to work before someone catches me venting.

My soul is being sucked away, one day at a time.

Christmas Party 2009

Photos from this year's company Christmas party...

This is one I took with my webcam, after hair and make-up, but before getting dressed.




This is me (on the right) with my friends Tori and Wendy.




Me with Victoria - she was my date. :)




Me with Anna.




Unfortunately, I never got a good shot of my hair. It was only partially up, and it was curly and carefully messy in the back, long and sort of flowing. My bangs were huge, but that's obvious in the photos.



Hey, wait a minute, how'd this picture get in here?



Oh, right. I put it there. :)

This is my undead warlock after being hit with a mohawk grenade, Mr. T style. I pity the fool!

Distance

He came around.

He read and learned, and he decided that he'd been wrong. He apologized. He asked if we could start over, if he could take back the stubbornness and give me the support I'd asked for in the beginning.

I appreciated his words, but I didn't find comfort in them. I had to think about why.

Some of the things he'd said... he sounded so much like others in my past. He re-opened old, deep wounds. Hurtful things that go way, way back. He shut me down.

I told him this. I told him I understood and I was grateful, but I needed time. It wouldn't go away overnight.

He carefully reminded me that he's not like everyone else. He is his own person.

He's right, of course. If he were like everyone else, I wouldn't have married him. I love him more than anything.

So why is this so hard to overcome?

I came to the conclusion that it's the distance. It's harder to comfort someone when you can't see into their eyes, when you can't hold them close. I think if he were here, if we were closer, this would be a lot easier. He might still have hurt me in the beginning, but the recovery would have been more smooth. He would look at me and I would see the truth in his face. He would hold me and I would feel the love in his embrace. I would feel safe with him like I always have.

I realized how much I miss feeling safe in his arms. I miss his protection. I miss the calm and comfort that I feel in the presence of his warmth. Since he's been gone, I've been anything but calm or comfortable.

If I close my eyes and think about him holding me, remember what it was like, I can feel something close to what it used to be. I can feel his love, and it reminds me that he is different, and he does want to help.

I want to hold onto that feeling, but it's so hard when I'm so bogged down by this debilitating mental fog, when my job takes so much of my energy away, and when Joe is so very far from me.

He's gone on another mission now and I won't talk to him for a few days. I always worry so much when he's on a mission. I hate this.

In a way, I'm still on my own. I have to get through this without him by my side, even though I know his heart is with me.

I can't wait for him to be home!

I have this lingering worry that things will be difficult when he comes home -- in some ways we'll have to get to know each other again, and it will be a big adjustment for both of us -- but I don't care. I just want him home safe, with me. So that when he takes back his stubbornness and says "I'm sorry I was a dick", I can see it in his eyes and feel it in his touch, and I can feel it in my heart as much as I understand it in my head. Unlike now, where I understand it mentally, but I don't feel anything except dull hurt.

Physical distance seems to make everything else more distant too. It's monotonous yet chaotic, routine yet impossible to master. So confusing.

But I know he loves me, and I know I love him. That's what matters.

We'll get through this. We're already more than half way there.

On My Own

After I cried out all the anger and disbelief, a strange calm settled in.

Like so many times before, I'm on my own.

There's comfort in that. I have lots of experience getting through depression by myself. I know how to do that.

Yet I still couldn't sleep last night.

I've always had this vision in my head of what a partner should be. The one person in the world who would always understand, encourage, and support, especially where others may have failed at doing so. No matter what.

But we are still two different people with different ideas, opinions, and beliefs. Different standards of what's right and wrong.

Maybe my vision wasn't realistic, and maybe I just have to let it go. We're going to disagree about some things.

I just hoped this particular issue wouldn't be the sticking point it's turned out to be. This one is important to me, more so than many others. It's my health we're talking about here. It's hard to let that go.

But... I've been more depressed than this in the past. I've been more angry and more hopeless. I've had worse job situations. I've been in terrible relationships, had bad financial problems, and all kinds of other things that were definitely worse than now.

So I'm on my own, and I'm in a tough spot, but it could be worse. I don't need Joe's approval, agreement, or even support. I've made it through things like this by myself in the past, and I can do it again.

Not my favorite place to be, but I can deal with it.

I just really hoped it would be different this time. I guess it is what it is.

Doubt

This is totally preliminary, because I really need to sleep on it before I'm going to understand what I'm thinking here. I just needed to jot it down before bed...

Joe and I had a fight which mostly stemmed from me being depressed.

Joe is frustrated because he sees me being sad all the time. He wants me to snap out of it. He thinks I could be doing more to channel... something... I didn't really understand what he was trying to say. He's also got his own issues to deal with, obviously. (I'm way over simplifying here.)

I'm frustrated because I feel that Joe isn't willing to learn more about depression and bipolar disorder, or change the way he deals with me in this context. He has pre-formed opinions about what these conditions are, and he doesn't seem willing to look at it any other way. (Again, over simplifying.)

The thing I'm having trouble with is, how can he so totally lack empathy? When I met Joe, what made me fall in love with him was the fact that he could see who I was. He saw through all my barriers, and he accepted me for who I am.

But now I feel like he sees me having these problems, and he's completely turned off to me because of it. He thinks I should just be able to control it somehow. As if I haven't already tried. He keeps trying to give me all this sage advice about how I just need to change the way I think about things. As if I haven't heard that from everyone else who doesn't understand what depression is. And when I try to explain that it works differently than that, he doesn't want to hear it.

Is it possible that I was wrong about him?

The person I love is perceptive and can see through to the heart of things. But the person I'm talking to now is refusing to look beyond the surface, even when I ask for his help. He says he doesn't know how to help me. I told him he could help by learning more and providing moral support. After a long silent pause, he said "I'm willing to learn more, but..."

This is the first time since Joe and I have been together when I really felt like I was on my own. Sink or swim, but I won't get any help from my partner, because he doesn't believe in medication, and he doesn't think a doctor can change the way I think. There's no "we're in this together" from him. All I'm hearing is a half-hearted, "it's your decision," followed up with silence because he really doesn't agree with my decision. It basically boils down to "you do your thing your way, and I'll do my thing my way." Where's the partnership in that?

Then I start thinking all kinds of crazy things, like why did I even get married? I wanted a life partner, and he was as a perfect fit for me. He filled all the holes in my life that I didn't even know I had. But now I feel like he's opening up a great big new one. Is this how he's going to react to me every time I have a depressive episode? Given the number of episodes I've had in my life, it's very unlikely that this will be the last one. Is he going to turn off to me every time it happens? Am I okay with that? Doesn't "in sickness and in health" mean anything?

I realize that I'm feeling hurt and angry because the fight is still fresh in my mind, and many of these thoughts will probably fade by morning. But even when the anger subsides, I feel like I have to think seriously about this. I've never doubted my marriage before. As soon as I made the choice to be with Joe, I was all in, for life. Do I have reason to doubt it now?

Am I just feeling this way because I'm hurt over one argument, or is it deeper than that? Is it my fault that I'm depressed? Am I really not doing enough to try to overcome it on my own? Am I just confused? What the hell is going on???

This is a very strange place to be. I almost feel like calling a crisis hotline. I am completely rattled.

Lackluster

Visits with my family are always a mixed blessing.

The night I arrived at my mom's, she and my sister got in a fight. They both egg each other on, and there's really nothing I can do to intervene without making it worse. So I sit, uncomfortably quiet, and wait for it to blow over.

Thanksgiving day was actually really good. My mom made a blackberry pie. I fixed my sister's old computer, and hooked up my mom's new one. My mom started dinner and the house filled with tasty smells. I'm pretty sure my sister got high at least 3 times during the day - I think that's the only way she managed to be so pleasant. She was on good behavior, and she and my mom mostly got along. Dinner was amazing - I ate way too much food. And my mom and sister watched TV together and laughed, which is something I don't see often.

The day after Thanksgiving, my sister had plans to hang out with her friends. She left pretty early. My mom and I drove to Mt. Vernon to have lunch. My mom talked at me the whole way there and back about the same old drama. My sister, my ex-step-dad, my dad, my grandma and aunts, my mom's counselor moving away. I've heard it all a million times before. I felt like a captive in the car, unable to talk about any of my own issues. Every time I talk about me, she finds a way to make it about her. With all the things I have going on in my own life right now, it's especially difficult to feel bogged down by hers. I keep telling her she needs to find a new counselor, because I'm not a professional. It goes in one ear and out the other.

On Saturday morning, my mom and sister got in another fight, waking me up with yelling before I was ready to be awake. They each think they're being treated unfairly. They can never meet in the middle. I hate listening to it. It reminds me of when I was in high school, and my bedroom was the only safe place, even though I could always hear the fighting between my mom and step-dad. Now my step-dad is gone, but my sister acts just like him. The fights are always the same, and my bedroom is my sister's now, so there's no safe place for me anymore. I was thankful to be leaving that day.

I stopped at Dick's on the way home - my favorite cheeseburgers and fries in Seattle. Then I had a long sleepy drive in Joe's car. It was almost dark at 4:00pm when I finally got home.

Today I'm feeling especially unmotivated. My visit with my family was both good and bad. I didn't get to talk to Joe for more than a few minutes at a time because my cell signal sucks at my mom's house. I missed him on the holiday. I wish I had come home on Friday so I'd have one more day of weekend to myself to recharge. I feel tired today, and I've got a serious case of the Sundays - I do not want to go to work tomorrow.

The dress I ordered for the christmas party arrived on Friday and was waiting on my doorstep when I got home yesterday. I tried it on, and I got to show it to Joe through the webcam. I took it to get dry cleaned today. It looks and feels just like my wedding dress, only less heavy because it's not full length, and of course it's a different color.

I'm happy to have made a decision on the dress, but I'm still pretty "blah" on the whole party concept. I guess I'm feeling like there's not a lot to celebrate this year. My husband isn't here, and lately I haven't been able to talk to him much. My job is still shitty and there are no signs of improvement in the near future. My search for a new job has turned up zero results. My family is as full of drama as ever. My cat is having health problems. My car is giving me trouble. And my health... I started taking Wellbutrin, and it's helping, but I still feel depressed a lot. I'm tired of coping with everything. I don't want to do it anymore.

I don't know though, maybe the party will be a pick-me-up. I could sure use one.

On the bright side, I finally connected with a psychiatrist who is accepting new patients, and I have an appointment with her for an assessment in a couple weeks.

That's all for now.

Blues

I'm not the type of person to get all sentimental during holiday season, but I must admit that I feel more sad than usual that Joey's not here.

Last year on Thanksgiving he rescued me from a holiday of loneliness (and no turkey) by inviting me to his family's place. That was the first time I met his mom. Thanksgiving is his favorite holiday. Mine too.

This year I will be going to my mom's for roast chicken (because my finicky sister won't eat turkey). It will be a nice visit - if I ever get a break from installing and fixing computers. I'm their own personal tech support. That's not really how I want to spend my holiday.

Last year I got all dressed up and went to the army Christmas party with Joe, and then he came to my company's party the following week.

This year, I asked him to help me pick out a dress for my company's party - I sent him some websites I'd been looking at, and he even asked the guys near him for their opinions. (2 to 1 in favor of the sexy berry colored halter.) The dress finally arrived today, and I tried it on. I even danced around in front of the webcam, although I had to email him the video because he's out on a mission right now.

I don't like picking out and trying on a sexy dress when I know Joey's not here to see it. It just seems like there's no point in looking sexy right now.

After I tried on dresses, I put on my wedding dress. It's so beautiful. It reminded me of our wedding outside in the grass under the oak trees. We just barely missed the rain storm that came less than hour later. My dress still has grass and mud stains at the hem.

I love that dress so much, and I'm so "meh" on the sexy dress -- I decided to order a shorter version of my wedding dress in a more festive color (vintage burgundy). It will remind me of Joey in a good way, and I won't feel over-dressed in the slinky halter. (Although I might keep the halter for next year!)

Anyway... I'm just having the holiday blahs I guess. I miss my husband.

Automotive Fail, but Mother-In-Law for the Win!

What a day.

Work this morning was filled with Thursday activities - software demonstration, retrospective, iteration planning. All things that are normally tiring.

After lunch I went to my doctor's appointment.

Ok, I have to admit that I was wrong to pre-judge the new nurse practitioner. But I've seen several different doctors for depression over the years, and it's rarely been a comforting experience. I had no reason to think this would be different.

But it was. The nurse practitioner was working with an intern and I saw him first. He was very good. He took down my history, asked me questions, let me ask questions, and listened to everything that I thought was important to talk about.

Then he brought in the nurse practitioner, and she was good too. She probed further into my history and my current situation. This was the first time at my PCP's office when they didn't just shove a prescription at me. They actually talked with me instead of at me. And they gave me some options that I thought were very reasonable.

They think there's a good chance I'm bipolar, and because of that, they want me to see a psychiatrist. Not a huge surprise there, I've suspected as much for a long time, and was already planning to see a psychiatrist. But now I have more information for when I finally find one who's accepting new patients.

I got a low dose prescription for a drug I've taken in the past and had success with, so that should start helping me feel better soon. They gave me a list of psychiatrists they work with, so now I can resume the search.

All in all, it was a positive experience. Maybe my doctor's office has finally changed for the better.

When I left the doctor's office, I got in my car, put the key in the ignition, and...


It Would Not Turn.


The tumblers inside the ignition cylinder are failing. They don't fall into the correct place when I insert the key.

It's not the first time this has happened. About 5 years ago, the tumblers completely collapsed and I couldn't get my key into the ignition at all. Since I'd experienced this once already, I knew exactly what was going on today. I had to get my car towed to the dealership to get the cylinder replaced.

By the time I got the courtesy ride home, it was already 4:00. I had been planning to leave the office at 5:00 to take my cat to the vet, so there was no point in going back to the office only to turn around and come right back home. I stayed home for an hour and talked to Joey on Skype.

I drove Joey's car to the vet's office, where I discovered that Nina might have asthma. I didn't even know cats could get asthma, but apparently it's relatively common. I had to get her a chest x-ray, which I got to see afterwards -- it showed something in her lungs. That was disheartening, but at least asthma is easily treatable. They're sending the x-ray to a radiologist for a better reading and then I'll know more.

In the meantime, the vet recommended I give Nina a quarter-tablet of children's Benadryl to ease her coughing. Children's Benadryl for a cat?! Who knew?

So on the way home, I stopped at Fred Meyer to get medications for both me and Nina, and pistachios for Joey's care package. When I went back to the car, I put the key in the ignition, and...


... wait for it ...



IT WOULD NOT TURN.



Seriously, twice in one day, with two different vehicles!

By this point, I was at the end of my rope. I had a minor panic attack for about 10 minutes before I pulled myself together and started troubleshooting.

The "theft" light was flashing on the dash, and the key wouldn't turn. So the car thinks its anti-theft system has been tripped?

I tried everything I could think of to disarm it, and when that failed, I dug the manual out of the glove box to look for more options. Nothing worked. So I googled it on my cell phone. Apparently anti-theft systems sometimes malfunction, causing the ignition to lock. It has to be reset by a dealer's service department. How do you get your car to a dealer when the ignition is locked? It has to be towed.

I thought to myself, there is no way in hell I'm having a second vehicle towed tonight. Maybe there's something simple I'm missing here. I could call the service department and ask for suggestions. But they're closed for the night, I'd have to wait for morning.

All this time, Nina is in a carrier in the back seat, being ever-so-patient with my fumbling and cursing. It was starting to get really cold too.

I decided to get a ride home, leaving the car at Fred Meyer until I could figure out the problem tomorrow. But who the heck can give me a ride home?

I texted my friend who lives close by, but she didn't respond. So I texted my mother-in-law, and she came to my rescue.

I expected her to just load me into her car, but she came to the passenger side and asked me what was wrong. We walked through some of the same things I already tried, but it was nice to see someone else fail too - at least it wasn't just me.

Then -- miracle of all miracles -- she pressured the key and jerked on the wheel at the same time, and everything unlocked and the car started. I couldn't believe it! She totally saved me, in more ways than one. I was inches from a serious meltdown, the kind that would have required me to call in sick to work tomorrow.

I forgot how nice it is to have family in town. It reminded me that I need to visit with her more often than I have been. With how I've been feeling lately, I've needed to hide from most social interactions. But I really do like my mother-in-law and enjoy spending time with her - she doesn't stress me out like a lot of people do. I need to remember that.

After the rescue, I finally made it home safely, exhausted and overwhelmed from a long, strange and draining day, yet satisfied, having taken care of myself, my car, and my cat, all in one day.

Scheduling Fail

On Monday my brain fog was intolerable. First thing Tuesday morning, I called my doctor's office to make an appointment to deal with my depression. But my doctor didn't have any appointments available for the next 3 weeks!

What about the physician's assistant or the nurse practitioner, I asked. Oh, they're no longer working there. Apparently my doctor's office has recently undergone an organizational change in which 2 of the 3 medical staff left. (Already down from 8 staff 5 years ago.) But they can get me in on Thursday with the brand new nurse practitioner who just started working there at the end of October. *sigh* Less than 1 month on the job. Okay, I'll take the appointment.

I slept on it and decided that I was kind of pissed off. Back in the day, my doctor's office was well staffed, their service was high quality, and I could get an appointment same day or next day in most cases. Now my PCP is scheduling 3 weeks out??? I don't like this.

So I went on a quest to find a new PCP and/or psychiatrist.

A coworker recommended a doctor's office he goes to. They have twelve physicians and 6 surgeons on staff, plus an array of assistants and nurses. Perfect. I called for an appointment, but they're not accepting new patients. I wonder, how can an office with so many providers not be accepting new patients?

I tried again to contact the psychiatrist I'd called before. He's no longer accepting new patients either, nor are the other two psychiatrists in the same office. They are scheduling appointments out to the first of the year, and that's only for existing patients. The secretary recommended I seek out a mental health nurse practitioner, because apparently psychiatrists are few and far between in my town.

Coincidentally, later that day the same coworker gave me the name of the mental health nurse practitioner his wife sees. He says she's great and his wife has had a positive experience, even getting help with med management and counseling during her two pregnancies. Super perfect, that's exactly what I want! So I call. And once again... not accepting new patients. She's scheduling existing patients out until February.

After being denied by multiple providers, I felt pretty deflated. How can it be so hard to get help? Is it too much to ask for an experienced doctor who provides quality service with flexible availability? I don't remember it being like this 5 or 10 years ago.

What I really wanted was quality counseling therapy, possibly combined with medication. But if I'm going to get long-term treatment, I want the counseling to be long-term, not the medication.

Instead I'm forced to keep the appointment that pissed me off with the brand new nurse practitioner at my existing PCP's office. They will freely prescribe me something, likely without asking about my history or my future plans, and without offering counseling services. This isn't what I wanted, but it's all I've got. I can't wait any longer.

The appointment is tomorrow.

Half Way

I passed a few milestones during the last month. Had my birthday in October. Six months of marriage in November. And six months of my husband being away, which comes with some sadness, but also some hope because we've passed the half-way mark now.

At work, I packed up my office the day before a long weekend for my birthday, and when I returned the following Monday, my department had moved temporarily into what used to be a meeting room. I no longer have my own desk, my own computer, or my own phone line.

Within a couple days after that, my old office was demolished. Carpet pulled up, ceiling tiles removed, walls knocked down. It literally doesn't exist anymore. Symbolic, really. We can never go back to the way things used to be.

I miss Joe. I think about him every day. I worry and don't sleep well when he's on a mission. Not that I'm sleeping well to begin with - I'm not. My job is so stressful right now. I have all kinds of anxiety about it, and it keeps me up at night. If I have a particularly frustrating day that coincides with Joe being on a mission, I just don't sleep that night. Sometimes it's a few nights in a row.

I'm pretty sure I'm depressed now. I stayed in denial until I noticed one day that I felt down for no good reason. I just plain didn't feel good. Things that usually made me happy didn't help me feel better. My whole body felt slow and drained of energy. I didn't want to go anywhere or do anything. I actually felt scared of going out where people might see me.

When I thought about it I realized this had been going on for weeks already. I just hadn't acknowledged it yet.

Then the brain fog set in. Probably related to the lack of sleep. I just couldn't think clearly, and I really didn't care to try.

Naturally, being the procrastinator that I am, I haven't done anything about this yet. But I know I need to. I never did get in touch with the psychiatrist, and now I'm at the point where I think it might be too late for psychotherapy. Not that it wouldn't help, but that I should've started it months ago if I wanted to stop it from getting this far. Now I'm positive that no matter who I see - a psychiatrist, a counselor, or my regular doctor - they'll want to put me on medication, and probably for the next 2-3 years.

Joe and I want to start a family as soon as he gets home. I don't want to be a med-zombie when he gets home, and I don't want to be on drugs when I'm pregnant. I keep thinking maybe I can just make it through the next 6 months without treatment and then I'll get better when things get back to normal. Maybe I'll even find a new job by then.

I'm not completely without hope, but it's a daily struggle. I know that Joe is struggling just as much as I am, and strangely that gives me comfort because I know we're in this together.

There are some positives coming up that I'm looking forward to. New Moon opens next weekend. I'm spending Thanksgiving at my mom's. And the company christmas party is in less than a month. I picked out a dress yesterday and I'm trying to decide if I should get my hair done, or do it myself. Fun stuff.

One day at a time.

The Hangover

First off, let me just say that I've never been this hungover in my life. And I didn't even drink very much. Getting older sucks.

I took Monday off, and I'm glad I did. It was a good day to stay home. Joey and I had a good heart to heart on Skype.

That day, after much anxiety over the issue, I finally called a psychiatrist. I was actually afraid to make the call, but Joey gave me a little kick-in-the-ass encouragement and I actually started to feel better about getting some help.

But then I couldn't get a hold of the guy. We've been playing phone tag all week long. He called Tuesday when I was at work. My cell phone gets such a crappy signal at the office that it didn't even ring. I noticed later that I had voicemail. So I called back and left my office number. Same thing happened on Wednesday, except the doctor said in his voicemail message that my office number had been cut off by their answering machine, so they didn't get the whole thing. I called back and left it again. Then I didn't hear back. I called again on Friday, and the secretary told me the doctor isn't in on Fridays. So I guess I just have to try again next week.

Missing work on Monday was both good and bad. It was a nice and needed break, but my coworkers made some bone-headed decisions that I had to deal with on Tuesday. For a "lead" programmer, my coworker makes a lot of mistakes in his code. I spent much of Tuesday fixing his bugs. Wednesday morning he worked on the code by himself before I got there, creating more bugs. He and I spent most of Wednesday cleaning up the mess. We managed to finish that project, but did not finish another, so our budget went down to 2.5. It was frustrating for everyone.

On Thursday, I gave our weekly demo to a packed house. All of the regular meeting rooms were booked, so we had to hold the demo in our work area, and attendance was easily the highest it's ever been. People were standing way in the back, and even sitting on the floor up close. We've never crammed so many people into our little area before.

The demo was awesome. I gave a great presentation, if I do say so myself, and people were excited about our most recent software updates. There were many ooh's and ah's as we talked about what we'd done during the past week.

Immediately after the demo was a stand-up meeting with the leadership team in which we got completely reamed. It was a huge frustrating downer, and very anti-climactic after our great demo. After that, we had difficulty staying on task during our retrospective and iteration planning because everyone was so distracted by the comments from leadership.

Thursday afternoon and much of Friday was filled with more irritation at my coworker, who thinks I'm "right on the cusp" of being at his level, even though he continues to make rookie mistakes by not paying attention to detail or following the simplest of processes.

At some point during the week, I don't remember which day, my other coworker, the one I've always thought was an unqualified idiot, talked to me about how he'd spoken to our consultant on my behalf regarding how we handle promotions and raises. He thinks I'm easily at the same level as the lead developer, and he thinks it's unfair that I continue to be paid at a lower level despite my skills and experience.

I was surprised by this, I never expect anyone else in my department to stick up for me. But it wasn't totally out of generosity, he's mostly concerned for the team and for his own welfare. He wants a promotion and raise of his own, and he feels that addressing how we handle it as a group will benefit us both. And, he doesn't want me to quit because he knows it would screw the team. He's right about that.

But I've already started looking for other jobs. It might take me a while to find something, but I'm going to keep looking until I do.

By Friday, I was completely brain-drained. I had made plans to be social Friday night, but I was losing enthusiasm for that as the day wore on. But one of my friends convinced me to go out, tired or not. So I did.

It was a night out with some coworkers from upstairs, including my boss, which was odd but fun. I like people so much better outside of the office. We planned to have dinner/drinks then see a movie, but there was a mix-up with the movie times that caused us to see the movie first (at the beer theater) and then drink.

I had a beer before the movie, on an empty stomach, pizza and pie during the movie, then margaritas afterwards. I also took a shot of Petron right before we left, which didn't hit me until after I got home. I never drank any water.

We watched The Hangover, which was absolutely hilarious, although I'm not sure it would be as funny if I wasn't drunk and hanging out with my buddies.

When I woke up this morning, I had the worst headache of my life. (Ironic, right? The Hangover gave me a hangover.) I got up and drank some water, but it made things worse. After about 20 minutes, I got sick and threw up. Nothing but water and stomach acid, burning my throat. If I can't keep water down, then I can't take any pain killers for the headache. So all I could do was go back to bed.

Finally around 4:00pm, after repeated unsuccessful attempts to get up, I was able to bring myself upright, drink some tea and eat a little bread. I feel much, much better now, but my whole day was wasted with recovery time. I didn't even drink that much last night. I guess it was just that I started on a empty stomach, and I didn't drink water. And I'm getting old. I can't drink and recover easily like I used to. It's sad.

Tomorrow I'm being social again. I have plans to meet the girlfriends (with one boyfriend in tow) for brunch, and one friend is trying to talk me into seeing a matinee afterwards. I'll probably give in because I'm a sucker for movies. :)

I haven't been this social in months. I've spent nearly every weekend being a total hermit, which I enjoy because the work week is so draining, but it is nice to get out sometimes. I just miss Joey. I wished he could have been with me last night. He would have enjoyed the movie, and it might have been fun to have him hang out with my coworkers.

He's out on a mission right now. I think he's supposed to be back tomorrow. I haven't heard from him since Thursday morning. I hope he's safe.

Anyway... now that my stomach feels better, I'm actually hungry for the first time all day. Time to scrounge up something to eat.

The Customary Over-Analyzation

After my near-meltdown at work on Friday, I'm having some serious anxiety about going back on Monday. The thought of it makes me panic, in the racing heart, shortness of breath sort of way.

I feel like something inside me snapped on Friday. My last shred of patience and tolerance is gone.

My gut reaction tells me to text my boss and tell him I'm not coming back ever again.

My brain, of course, tells me I have bills to pay and I shouldn't burn bridges. Someday I'll need a reference from these people.

I keep asking myself, would this be different if Joey was home? Like, what if I was only dealing with one very stressful situation instead of two? Yeah, work would still suck, but Joey would be here to hug me every day, to talk and listen, to share meals and help around the house. He always makes me feel so calm and relaxed and cared for. I really miss that right now.

Or what if Joey was still gone, but work didn't suck? What if work was awesome? Would it be easier for me to handle Joey's absence if I wasn't mentally drained every single day by my job?

It probably seems counter-productive to ask all these "what if" questions, but really I'm just trying to break this situation down into smaller pieces so I can understand it better.

I guess the question I'm really asking myself is, is it the difficult circumstances that are making me crack? Or is it just me and my general inability to cope with stress in a healthy way?

And because I'm a nerd for astrology, I also have to ask, is it a coincidence that my last bout of anxiety attacks happened around the same time last year? Or is there something about the transition from Virgo to Libra that's especially difficult for me, that I should learn how to handle so this doesn't happen every year. If I think back, October has always been a mentally and emotionally tumultuous month for me, even without the recent extremes of anxiety or depression.

Something that always gets under my skin is when "helpful" people try to tell me how I need to change the way I deal with things.

"You need to lighten up. Don't take everything so seriously."

"Why can't you just get your own work done and not worry about what everyone else is doing?"

"You need to stop letting it get you down."

"You need to get out more. Just do something fun to relieve stress, and you'll feel better."


I get so tired of being told by others how I should change. I already know that psychologically, I'm in the minority. So I don't expect others to understand how I work. Heck, sometimes I don't even understand how I work. Although for the most part, I know myself pretty well, and I know what I need in terms of mental and emotional support to get through a tough time. What I never seem to figure out, at least not in a timely manner, is what actions I need to take to fix a broken situation. I'm so slow to process complicated life decisions, it takes me forever to make a move.

I think perhaps this is why I've spent so much time trying to learn about myself -- it's why I know that I'm a highly introverted, highly sensitive, highly intelligent, lazy perfectionist (no, it's not an oxymoron) with a learning disorder and ADD who habitually over-analyzes everything. I've gone to great lengths to understand these aspects of my personality and behavior. If I'd known these things 10 or 15 years ago, I never would have been a music major in college. But hindsight is always 20/20, and knowing what makes me tick still doesn't help me move forward.

What I know is that I can't do anything about Joey being gone, and neither can he. And I can't do anything about what's happening at work. What I do have control over is myself and my own actions.

Do I control my own mental and emotional state? Everyone else likes to tell me I do, but I'm not so sure. They call it a "gut reaction" for a reason. It's a reflex. It happens instantly and instinctively, before your brain has had time to process it. So what am I supposed to do when my gut overwhelms my senses?

And let's not forget what I've already worked for years to overcome. When I try to control my emotions instead of feeling them naturally as they come, I end up shutting them off completely, building walls, and becoming an emotional zombie who doesn't feel anything at all.

I still remember the psychiatrist who tried for weeks to illicit an emotional response from me. I was hard as stone. Eventually I said, "look, I recognize your textbook psychiatric techniques, and I understand what you're trying to do. But I'm telling you: I don't feel anything." In fact, I was rather offended that he thought he could chip away at me without even attempting to work with me on my own terms. Needless to say, I got bored with him very fast and decided to handle the issue myself.

And I did. It took a few years, but eventually I worked it out. After all that time and effort spent trying to feel again, I'm not about to turn off the fountain now.

So that leaves me and my overly sensitive, perfectionist self hanging out in the open, trying to function in a highly stressful environment where I can't control anything that's happening. Except myself and my own reactions. Or so everyone keeps trying to tell me. Personally, I would rather feel whatever I need to feel, and take as much time as it takes to let it happen. That's how I work. Unfortunately, it's a method that's not very compatible with the rest of the world with its schedules and deadlines.

But... my company's new PTO policy offers a single measure of pleasant flexibility: one "mental health" day per year. It's an unplanned PTO freebie, no questions asked. And I think tomorrow's the day to use it.

In my best Cartman voice:
Screw you guys. I'm going home.




I've been married for 5 months today. And my husband will have been gone for 5 months on Tuesday.

Shut Down

Wednesday was surprisingly productive. We met all of our goals and I wasn't alone. My sick coworker came in and helped out, and somehow I've yet to catch his illness.

Thursday was a drain and a half. Demo, retrospective, iteration planning, information gathering. Talk, talk, talk. I felt so tired and burned out all day.

Today I imploded. I was super frustrated all day long. Hated pair programming, irritated by people, not understanding why people can't just be smart and do it right the first time. Before the afternoon was over, I completely shut down. I couldn't think anymore. I couldn't breathe anymore. I just went blank, except for the anxiety and rage that filled me.

I apologized to my coworker for being so hard to work with today, and I went home early. On the drive home, I vacillated between feelings of failure for letting myself down today, and feelings of extreme anger, mostly directed at my company's management, and the universe in general for putting me in this particular place and time.

Dear Universe:

I miss my husband and I want him home right now. No, not in the time it takes him to get on a plane and fly half way around the world. Now, as in right this instant. Make it happen!

And I want my company to learn how to manage a software department. Fire the dead weight employees and start taking better care of the productive ones. They need to quit setting their people up to fail.

Hmm... on second thought, what I really want is to magically stumble into a very large sum of money so I can work part-time at any old fun job I want, and still have plenty of funds leftover to live whatever lifestyle I choose, which includes buying a smallish house with wood floors, a yard, and no noisy neighbors, buying a new (modest) car, living closer to my family, eating out every day, camping often, and traveling whenever I feel like it. You can do that, right? Other people get lucky, so why not me?

Finally, in this new easy-going lifestyle, I'm gonna need my back not to hurt anymore. So if you could just fix it for me... and my digestion too... that would be super.

Ok, thanks.


[sigh]

Until my little fantasy life comes true, I'm going to spend some time contemplating ideas for making my real life better. There has to be a way...

Johnny Cash & Elvis Presley

Breathe in.
Then breathe out.

That was the "team task" from our consultant on Friday.

On Monday we met with the external attacker, and we were pleasantly surprised when she basically talked herself down. Unexpected, but most certainly welcome.

Then today...

To start with, we only have 5 people on our team, since my coworker got the other job. One is out on vacation all week, and another is on vacation starting this afternoon. A third went home sick today. So now it's just me and one other guy, and he's only a tech writer, not a programmer. We have two projects completely un-started, and if they're not complete by end of business tomorrow, our budget for the next iteration will drop from 3.5 to 3, or maybe even 2.

So I'm the only programmer, and I have exactly one business day to start and finish two projects. And possibly be prepared to give demonstrations on them first thing Thursday morning.

No pressure.

If that wasn't enough, we got harshly yelled at again today, by somebody different this time, but about the same issue. It feels like we just finished hashing this out and getting everybody to agree to a plan. Then someone who wasn't involved in any of the previous negotiations questions it all over again.

[frustrated sigh]

I left work late yet again, stopped for drive-thru because I had no energy for making dinner, then rushed home and put my pajamas on. I booted up the computer hoping to talk to my husband, but he wasn't online. So I ate dinner while watching Jeopardy. I actually got the Final Jeopardy question right, which never happens. Then I logged into Warcraft, hoping to join my guild for a holiday quest (it's Brewfest - the WoW equivalent of Oktoberfest), but they already had a full group. Then I thought, now what am I gonna do?

And here I am writing this blog, because all my favorite outlets for stress relief are unavailable tonight.

I suppose I should go to bed early. Tomorrow is going to be brutal.

Breathe in.
Then breathe out.

Day of Punishment

Today was really hard, but not in the usual sort of way. My department was blind-sided by repeated beat-downs from other people, and each time, we scrambled to respond in the most politically acceptable way possible. Somehow I've become our spokesperson when correspondence is needed. I did a lot of writing today. Slow, careful, labored writing. The kind you only send when you fear a manager or CEO jumping on your ass, or when it's already happened once and you want to avoid any further reaming.

Blah.

Oddly though, I've had a perspective shift this week, and things in my department don't seem as bad as they did a few days ago. I think writing about it in my last post helped.

I also had an interesting conversation with our consultant where he told me that he thinks I'm at the same level as my coworker who is a level III. Our knowledge and experience is comparable, we participate and produce at similar levels, and we both provider leadership in different areas. That conversation was enough to alleviate my feelings of being stupid in the group workspace, although I still have my moments. At least I know now that even when I feel stupid, I'm still able to contribute in a way that is helpful to others.

The other thing that happened to change my perspective was that my team really came together this week, especially today. Even though this was a crappy day, it was crappy because of external influences - stuff we don't normally deal with, that likely won't come up again after this. The internal stuff was actually smooth and productive, and it felt like everyone respected and trusted one another in ways that I really haven't seen before this week. It gave me a renewed sense of hope.

Even so, I really do need a day off. Unfortunately, because of scheduling and other people being out, I can't get one for a while. I did manage to get my birthday off, in about a month, so at least I have that to look forward to.

Besides that, I'm just kinda blah tonight. It's the end of an incredibly long and mentally draining week. I have a headache. I'm hungry, I'm tired, and I'm frustrated with the distance between my husband and I. I can only handle repeating myself so many times over the unstable internet connection before I'm just done trying. Especially when we end our call on an argument. Maybe the argument wouldn't happen if we were face to face and could talk without technical difficulties.

I think I'll make myself some comfort food and then climb into bed. The weekend is right around the corner.

Stoopid

The shock and awe subsided.

I had a long conversation with my boss -- so long that we both missed lunch. My boss doesn't function as much a direct manager anymore because of our organizational changes. Now that he's stepped back a little, he seems more willing to listen. Not that he was unwilling before, but... I guess it's more than just listening. He actually wanted to understand where I was coming from. By the end of our talk, we hadn't reached any major resolutions but it was nice to catch up, clarify some details, and reach a common understanding. For once, I left his office feeling better. I thanked him for that later in the day.

It was weird to pass by my coworker's empty office on my way out that day. His new desk is in another part of the building. This morning, he was in a meeting in our area with three other people. At the end of the meeting, he left. That was weird too. I haven't really missed his presence yet - it still feels like he's on vacation. I told my boss that it would be 2-3 weeks before I started to feel depressed about it. He invited me to come back and talk again when that happens. Maybe I'll bring a sack lunch that day.

I realized today that our new work environment makes me feel stupid, and I can't pinpoint why that is. I know part of it has to do with my energy level. Being in the group workspace all day is very exhausting to me. When I'm tired, I'm not at the top of my game. But there's something more than that.

I do know that my introversion, learning disability, and ADD (not necessarily in that order) have had far more of an impact on my working life in this new environment than they've ever had before. That's extremely frustrating to me. I have a set of learned behaviors and habits that help me compensate for my issues, and they're mostly useless now. I can't withdraw when I'm overwhelmed, I can't isolate myself from distractions, and I can't think and learn in my own way because I've got to collaborate with another person, my pair partner, and my partner changes throughout the day so I can't even adapt to one person's style. I think that's why I'm so tired all the time - it's really a mental struggle to get through each day. This is where I will miss my coworker the most - he was the only person I'd been able to pair with successfully, without it feeling like a major drain. We had developed a good rhythm when we worked together. I don't have that rhythm with anyone else.

Sometimes I get a mental block. My partner might be moving too fast, or not adequately explaining his reasoning, or we may not be thinking in the same direction. More often than not, I'm just entirely lost. It's not because I don't get it. I can understand perfectly fine when I work alone, and when I work with that one coworker. In those situations, I definitely get it. But when I work with the others, particularly within that noisy common workspace, I just feel stupid.

It reminds me of how I used to feel when I was in college, when the professor would tell us to write a 15-page paper on a 500 page book that we were supposed to read on our own time. No discussion in class. That was an instant C in the class for me. And not because my paper would suck, but because I would never write it. I would never even finish the book. The few times I buckled down and forced my way through a reading assignment (when it was shorter, more interesting, or otherwise less intimidating), I would get all kinds of hand-written comments of bewilderment on my paper. The professor just couldn't understand how I'd missed the point so completely.

It made me feel so stupid. I could get A's on all my assignments and tests, clearly demonstrating my knowledge of the class subject, but if any significant chunk of our grade was based on independent reading, I wouldn't do well. Why couldn't I read and understand that book and write the damn paper? I must be retarded.

I had gone for so many years without feeling that way that I had forgotten how frustrating it can be. I've run into it from time to time at various jobs, but never in such a way that it really kept me from fulfilling my responsibilities.

I suppose it's not really stopping me from fulfilling my responsibilities - obviously I'm still doing my job, and they like me enough that I'm not fired. But still... I'm not as good as I used to be, and that's hard for me to swallow. I'm a perfectionist and I'm competitive, at least with myself if not with others. When I'm not doing my absolute best, it really bothers me.

Something else has been bothering me that's not related to work, although it is affecting my work -- my growing anxiety about my husband.

I've been trying to figure out what triggered the anxiety. I mean, I was fine for the first few months. I was sad that he was gone, and worried for his safety and well being, but that's entirely normal. I wasn't having anxiety attacks or strange dreams, I wasn't totally losing sleep over it, and it wasn't creeping into my brain during the day, at least not like this.

It's the worst when I have a bad dream. I don't get enough sleep, I wake up still thinking about it, and it takes half the day to get my head straight. Sometimes I catch myself thinking of him, and I feel myself choking up with emotion - just out of the blue.

One of my coworkers, who's been super supportive of my relationship with Joe since the beginning, has encouraged me to take days off when I need a break, and use my FMLA time as much as possible. But I don't think he understands how it is. If I called in sick every time I woke up feeling like I couldn't function mentally, I would be gone a lot. If I went home sick in the middle of the day every time I felt like I might break down, I would be gone even more. I would lose my job.

But on the other hand, I'm certainly not doing myself any favors when it comes to attention or energy level. I get distracted by Joe a lot during the day, either directly through random thoughts, or indirectly through lack of sleep.

What I really want is to stop the day and let those thoughts happen naturally. My instinct tells me to go into a private room, shut the door, and feel whatever I need to feel when I think of him. That would be the healthiest way to deal with it. If it makes me sad, then maybe I need to cry. If it freaks me out, then maybe I need to have a little anxiety attack. But I can't do that. I sit in a room with other people and they're expecting me to be part of a team, all day, every day.

It feels like such a struggle. I've never wished for a winning lottery ticket so much in all my life. I'm starting to wonder if I need to get on medication or something. I hate the idea of it, but if I continue losing sleep, having anxiety, and performing so marginally at work... I'm not sure what else to do.

I miss Joey so much, I wish he could just home. I've always been a disaster when it comes to timing -- of course I would go through a major work transition and a major personal transition at the same time! I wouldn't be me if I didn't.

[sigh]

Sometimes I wish I could be someone else.

... a vampire, perhaps ...

[wicked grin]

Shock and Awe

My job just keeps getting weirder and weirder, and not in the complimentary sense of the word.

So... the job I applied for, but didn't get...

My coworker/former best friend got it. I found this out a few days ago. Big mixed feelings there. I'm upset that I didn't get the job I wanted, and I'm also upset that I'll be losing my favorite coworker. He's the only one with any real logical problem solving skill, and the only one besides me who brings the sanity check to the table when everyone else is talking out their asses. This leaves me feeling more alone than ever.

The big news, which we just got 10 minutes ago is that he starts his new position today. Not just today, but right now. As in, the announcement was made, and he was immediately told to start moving his stuff to his new desk. He won't be part of this next iteration at all. And our other developer is out today and tomorrow, so that leaves me literally on my own until Monday.

I'm still in some shock over that.

The other big news, which makes me feel especially melancholy, is that we're going to hire another developer, someone senior level.

We have three levels for this position, I, II, and III. I'm a II. I've been trying to move up to III for the last year. I was on my way to doing that, even had a plan with my manager, until we started this new Agile transition. Now I'm very unclear about where I stand.

If we're hiring a new III, does that mean I can be a III, and we can hire a II to replace me? Or does it mean people have already made the assumption I'm not qualified to be a III, and I have to remain a II while we hire some new guy to be a III?

I'm so confused.

My level of job satisfaction, what little was left, just plummeted into the toilet.

Midnight Cookies & Cream

I'm an ice cream snob. I buy the premium stuff - none of this cheap generic store brand that comes in a big bucket with a handle. I like my ice cream to be hard, dense, rich, and creamy. (Ooh, that almost sounds dirty!)

Don't get me wrong, the cheap stuff still has its place. The dixie cup and the drumstick are classics from my childhood, and I still enjoy them when the occasion calls for it. But when I sit down with a pint, a spoon, and a craving, only the best will do.

"Best", of course, is a relative term. I only have access to what's in the grocery store, and the choices are often slim. Haagen Dazs is my go-to, but I'll try others. I recently tried Julie's Organic, and it was decent.

I love fresh gelato too. There's a gelato shop in Portland that makes the most amazing pistachio I've ever tasted. I don't usually go for the nutty flavors, but I make an exception for theirs.

I sometimes wonder what happened to the amazing flavors I used to love? I never see Vanilla Fudge anymore. Coffee Toffee Crunch has become scarce. It's even hard to find a good mint chip that's not dyed green and loaded with extra sugar.

The one I miss most is Haagen Dazs Midnight Cookies & Cream. Chocolate ice cream, oreo cookies, and a ribbon of fudge. Chocolaty goodness of the gods. But it was one of those limited edition flavors that just doesn't exist anymore.

Or so I thought... I googled and found something called Chocolate Midnight Cookie, which appears to be the same flavor I love, but only sold in the UK. If the cost of international shipping wasn't exorbitant, I'd almost consider having a case imported. Why can't they sell it in the U.S.?

I wonder if Miss T is a chocaholic and/or ice cream snob? Perhaps I should pass this golden nugget of information to her, if she doesn't have it already.

Myers-Briggs

I was thinking about what career would be good for me (this was spawned by my current job dissatisfaction), and it had been several months since the last time, so I took it again...

ISTJ

Introverted (100)
Sensing (12)
Thinking (1)
Judging (22)

My score seems to change based on my current mood or most recent experiences. I test as INFJ most consistently, but I've also scored ISFJ and INTJ, and a different set of test questions resulted in INFP.

I think it's funny that I'm so strongly introverted, yet totally on the fence with the other three preferences. Does that speak to my indecisiveness? lol

http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/jtypes1.htm

Unravel

I could not get to sleep last night. I layed awake forever, agitated, restless.

This morning I woke up to an anxiety attack. My alarm/radio seemed so loud, even though the volume is the same every day. It was too early for me to get up and I felt too exhausted to move my body, yet I was so wired that my body was twitchy and fidgety and it felt like my heart rate was up. I was panting like I was out of breath, and I couldn't stop. I clutched Joe's sweater tightly, and I tossed and turned.

It went on for about an hour. When I finally settled down, exhaustion took over, and I couldn't hear the radio anymore, as if someone turned the volume way down. I dropped into heavy sleepiness. Of course by then, it was almost time to get up. I spent the next 40 minutes trying to hold my eyes open and focus on the bright trees outside.

Now I'm up, I'm at work, but I feel anxious and irritable. I don't want to be here. I wish I could go back to my deep sleepiness. I'm so tired.

Anxiety seems to be more common for me these days. I remember about a year ago, I was having anxiety attacks pretty regularly. That all went away when Joe came home from Basic Training. The night he arrived back in town, he came to my place, and we were together from then on. I never had another panic attack. His presence has such a calming effect on me.

I was afraid that I would slump back into depression/anxiety the moment he left for deployment. Much to my own surprise, it didn't happen right away. In fact, I was doing great for about the first 3 months. But by the start of month #4, I was beginning to unravel.

It doesn't help that my work environment is immensely stressful and dissatisfying right now. Wouldn't it be nice if everything didn't happen all at once?

I'm not sure what to do about this. My work is affecting my health. My health is affecting my work. Joe's deployment is affecting everything. And we have a crappy new PTO policy at work, so it's harder for me to call in sick for a mental health day without repercussions.

I wish I could go on permanent vacation.

Exhale

Lots of emotion and tension during the past week. Some things stubbornly refuse to change, while others are changing drastically. The only comfort I find in this is the reminder that nothing is permanent. Even the frustrations that seem to be constant now... eventually they will fade away into new and different circumstances.

I finally got to see Joey's handsome face and bright smile on Skype today. We weren't able to talk very much at all this week, so it was a relief to finally see him, even through the blurred and distorted lens of his webcam. We talked for an hour before exchanging goofy air kisses and saying goodnight. His voice always melts my stress away and makes me feel whole again.

My stomach has given me trouble all week long. I eat and feel ill later on, or I feel too queasy to eat anything in the first place. This afternoon I ate a chocolate covered strawberry, which tasted amazing at the time, but didn't sit right in my tummy. Now I can't decide whether to eat dinner or not. I know I need to, but I really don't feel like it. Maybe just a nice cup of chamomile...

I'm going to put my pajamas on, curl up with a cat, and watch a few episodes of True Blood. A friend lent me the first season, and has been prodding me to hurry up and finish it so we can talk about it. So far it's pretty good, but I'm tired of watching the idiot brother get high and have sex with random women. I do like the vampire's southern gentleman style.

My cup of tea awaits...

Duck and Cover

Third post in one day. I'm just a writin' fool.

I've been unmanageably tense all day long. I'm home now, done with work, and I'm still a ball of frustration. My back hurts, my stomach is groaning, my head is pounding, and I'm freakin' tired.

It's only Tuesday.

I miss my husband more than ever, and of course it happens at a time when his internet connection is down and we can't talk.

I really wanted a partner I could share my life with, who would be there when I needed support and encouragement. I got my wish - I married someone who is strong and caring, who is always willing to listen. Except he can't be available for me when I need him.

It's not his fault. These are circumstances beyond his control. I just... really miss him. I wish I could have one of his hugs right now.

This has been a really rough couple of months for me. Several piles of shit all hit the fan at the same time. Big changes at work, not getting the new job I wanted, Joey being gone.

Now that I'm thinking about the prospect of job searching, I realized that I've never been this alone and isolated while looking for a job before. I've always had a boyfriend or close friends who gave moral support and even helped me review my resume. I know Joey would do that for me if he was here, and I'd certainly do it for him if he needed me to.

I'm worried because the job market really sucks right now, and it could take many months to find a new job that I'm excited about. That's the key word - excited - because it would be pointless to leave one crappy job for another crappy job.

I'm worried that I'll have to look for jobs outside of Salem. The market is better in Portland, and tons better in Seattle. But I'm not prepared to move, not while Joey's gone. This isn't just my decision anymore, it's his too. It's both our lives now, not just mine alone. Especially if we plan to have children when he comes home.

The stupid thing is, I'm not even sure what I want to do. I kinda want to keep writing software, but I also feel like doing something completely different. But I can't really afford to do anything different. Software is where my most recent experience is, and if I want to keep paying the bills, that's where my best paycheck will come from.

I guess I just feel backed into a corner right now. I'm out of options at my current job. There aren't a ton of options for new jobs, and even those are limited by my experience (which doesn't look great on paper), my location (which is not a hot bed for technology jobs), and the fact that I need to plan ahead now for my husband and my family.

I wish I had the financial freedom to work part-time for a while, or go back to school, or even do something crazy like travel for a few months.

I feel trapped by my own life. I hate my job, I miss my husband, and it will be months, if not the better part of a year before either situation is remedied. All I can do is hunker down and prepare to weather the storm.

This too shall pass.

Eventually.

Caring For Your Introvert

I'm an introvert (89%, according to Myers-Briggs), and I have ADD. These two facts have never affected my work in a very strong way until recently. Working in a group environment is exceptionally draining to me. It makes me feel even more anti-social outside of work too. It also makes me miss my husband more, because he's one of the few people with whom I can spend a ton of time and not get worn out. Rare is the person who makes me feel more energized instead of more exhausted. Most people, even the ones I really like a lot, make me feel tired.

I've been reflecting on this a lot during the last few days as I've thought about my work. I want to work in an environment where I can succeed, and I'm afraid that my current environment is not ideal for that. I can still do my job, achieve goals, meet deadlines, etc. But I can never perform at the same level as I did before, when I was allowed to work independently, in my own space. At best, I can be mediocre here.

Am I satisfied with mediocre?

Hell no.

Anyway... in thinking about this, I did a bit of research, and I found this article which is entertaining and interesting. I think it's a bit biased (I don't believe that introverts are inherently more intelligent than extraverts), but thought provoking nonetheless.

http://www.learningplaceonline.com/relationships/friends/caring-introvert.htm

Worst 3 Day Weekend Ever

I was not selected as a finalist for the job I applied for. The department director told me I'm #4, and they can only accept the top 3. Oddly enough, 2 of the top 3 are external candidates, and the third is someone internal, who beat me out only because they supplied letters of recommendation.

I always thought reference letters were rather meaningless, especially when you're applying for an internal position. You're already a known quantity, right? Guess I was wrong.

The application instructions did not mention anything about letters of recommendation. That means someone thought to just do it anyway, and I didn't.

I'm pretty sure my coworker/former best friend is the one who beat me out, though he hasn't said anything about it. I noticed he's in a giddy mood today, and I find it especially irritating.

Anyway... I found this out on Thursday last week. I had a rough Thursday afternoon and Friday as I attempted to squash my frustration in order to stay productive.

On Saturday, I let it all out. All day long. There was much wallowing, crying, anger, over-analyzing... and finally the conclusion that my current company just isn't a good fit for me. Or perhaps I'm not a good fit for the company. Either way, the opportunities I want are not here, and the role they keep trying to squeeze me into is no longer acceptable to me.

So when I talk to my manager about this, he's going to ask, what can the company do to help me resolve this? Because they don't want me to leave.

I thought long and hard on this. I even made a mental list of pros and cons about my job. I came up with a lot of cons, and only a few honest pros. But I worked through the issue enough that I was able to stop crying about it.

I got up and went about my evening.

Then I noticed it was getting late and I hadn't heard from Joe like usual.

I spent all day Sunday playing WoW, but wondered why Joe still hadn't called me.

By Monday I was in all out panic mode. It's not like Joe to just stop calling me. He calls me every day, sometimes twice a day, unless he's going some place where he can't call, in which case he always lets me know ahead of time. So why hadn't he called me? Why hadn't I seen him online? Was there some emergency?

Naturally, like an idiot, I read the news, looking for some shred of information. Big mistake. Suicide bombing at a police checkpoint in Ramadi. Oh hey, Ramadi's like right next to Joe's base. For all I know, this is a checkpoint he drives through regularly when he's on a mission.

Must. Stop. Reading. News.

I didn't play WoW on Monday, for fear I might miss Joe's call. I was restless and agitated all day. I couldn't go to bed, and when I finally forced myself, I couldn't sleep.

Tuesday morning, I laid in bed, being stubborn - I wasn't going to get up until Joe called me.

Finally, at about 8:20am, I forced myself out of bed, not wanting to be completely late to work. As I got up, I noticed my phone's indicator was showing a missed call.

What?!

I checked my phone. A missed call from "unavailable" at 7:38am.

How?! I was in bed, right next to my phone, waiting for a call. How could I possibly have missed it?

Stupid bad cell signal. Obviously my phone didn't even ring, because I surely would have heard it. The volume was all the way up to level 5.

I jumped on the computer to see if Joe was on Skype. No dice.

In a last ditch effort, I went to Myspace. Fortunately, he left me a comment there. His internet has been down for days.

So I've been seriously worried because of an internet outage?! Grrr... Doesn't the army understand what this does to families back home?

It was now almost 8:45am. I have to be at work no later than 9:30am.

Slow, tired shower. Back and neck hurt. Lightning fast getting dressed. Grab keys, fly out the door, hop in the car, walk in at 9:28am.

Immediately irritated. I didn't get any sleep. I've been really stressed out worrying about Joe, and now I can really feel it. I'm on a short fuse. Our consultant is out all week, which means the blind are leading the blind. I hate that. My coworker is strangely chipper, and it's pissing me off. He must have gotten his good news today about the job.

Oh right. The job.

Sigh.

In my worry about Joe, I had almost forgotten.

So I'm tired, irritable, frustrated about the job situation, and besides that, I just plain don't want to be here.

I think when a soldier is sent away for deployment, the government should compensate the family somehow. They should pay me to stay home, at least part time, so I can suffer in silence and not be a burden on the people around me. Maybe then I could catch up on my house work.

How in the hell do women with children do this, while their husbands are overseas?

I'm angry at everyone and everything today.

Irrational Exuberance

Every Monday, my entire department spends half the day doing technology-related research. Each individual picks his or her own topic. It may or may not be directly related to work. The point is to broaden one's knowledge and keep up with new trends in the industry. The next day, we spend our lunch hour discussing what each of us researched.

While this might seem like a nice perk - one might even call it company sanctioned play time - I hate it. I can't do effective research unless there's a particular problem I need to solve or question I need to answer.

My problems and questions generally fall into two categories:
1.) issues directly related to a project I'm currently working on, in which case they are part of my normal workflow and do not require separate research time, and
2.) trivial questions that have nothing whatsoever to do with work, in which case it's really not kosher to spend work hours researching them.

Since I don't need extra time to address the first category, my afternoon research tends to drift into the second category more often than not. I try to keep it relevant to work, but I'm always just on the fringe, if not completely pushing the limit. I really struggle with what's acceptable.

Case in point:
Once again, I didn't start the afternoon with a specific topic in mind, so I went browsing through technology news to generate ideas. I came across an article about BlizzCon - Blizzard Convention - it's like ComicCon for gamers. Blizzard is the company that makes World of Warcraft, Diablo, Starcraft, and other game titles.

Like ComicCon, BlizzCon is a big deal that makes international news. In fact, I was reading BBC News when I spotted the article about it.

Apparently there was an official announcement at this year's BlizzCon about the next World of Warcraft expansion. It was merely a single line blip in the middle of a full page article, but it was enough that I nearly peed my pants with excitemen and proceeded to follow a dozen links to a variety of websites containing both fact and speculation on the details.

After several minutes, I had to get up and leave the group workspace because I couldn't stop uttering ooooh and ahhhh and omg, no way! while others were trying to concentrate.

Unable to sit still, I went into my coworker's office to bother him about it, thereby distracting him from his own research.

Then I went back to my office and continued reading.

Then I had a minor epiphany that led to the idea of a potential moral conflict.

I love WoW. I didn't know Blizzard was planning to release another expansion so soon, since they just released one last year, so this news came as a big surprise. It really excites me, so naturally I want to read more. But is this what our research time was intended for? Let's think about that for a moment...

Technology related? Yes.

Does it broaden my knowledge of technology in a meaningful way? One could argue that in either direction.

Will this knowledge enable me to do my job more effectively? Doubtful.

Do I care that this might be seen as an inappropriate use of my time? Kinda sorta but not really. I already think an entire afternoon of research is a poor use of time, so how is this any worse?

Will I be able to discuss it with my coworkers over lunch tomorrow? Yes, but not without turning red from embarrassment. That's where the "kinda sorta" comes in. Even though I think research time sucks, I still like to give the impression that I tried to follow the rules.

But in all honesty, my behavior is entirely predictable, and if someone had asked me how I would spend an afternoon each week, if given the freedom to research anything I wanted, I could have told them this is how it would be.

See, I just can't maintain focus during unstructured research time. My brain doesn't work like that.

When I research things on my own time, it always starts with a question about something that excites me. Something I'm burning to know. I analyze the crap out of it, follow links to related topics, and eventually, through a series of ADD-style leaps, I find myself looking at something completely different from where I started. It might be related, or it might be so far away that I'm not even sure how I got there.

In short, I get easily side-tracked.

It's very useful to me, I enjoy following odd paths. Sometimes I have questions that need answers, and to me, this is the most effective way to find them. The context I get by looking at related items is what makes the knowledge so meaningful.

But I can't always explain this to others. People usually don't get my need to know things. Or more accurately, they don't understand how I can casually surf my way to in-depth knowledge about something trivial, while being completely incapable of focusing my energy for one afternoon of research on a serious topic.

And I have to admit, it's a mystery to me too. I don't understand why my brain functions this way.

Everyone else seems to be able to pick a topic and stick with it through the entire 4 hours, and when we have lunch the next day, they can talk at length about what they studied. Some of them even start new side projects based on their research, and come to lunch prepared with code snippets and web pages to show off. Tangible evidence that they learned and that it's applicable to our work.

Not me. I always research the most random things, and my presentation at lunch is almost as scattered as my research. It rarely has anything to do with our work. My coworkers don't get it. It makes me feel a bit retarded that I don't function mentally the same way they do.

All it takes is one little article about BlizzCon to derail my focus toward several hours of tangential link clicking. ... And a non-work-related discussion with a coworker. ... And now this blog.

I am the master of distraction.

Or perhaps distraction is the master of me?

Hmm... that seems like the sort of thought an aspiring Zen master might ponder during an extended meditation.

Anyway... new WoW expansion. I'm stoked! I might actually defect to the Alliance just so I can play the new Worgen race. Werewolf people!

Yatta!!!

Imbalance

Last night as I was laying in bed, I realized that I'm becoming detached from my husband. I hear his voice on the phone all the time, but it's always muffled and broken. It's been 3 and a half months now since I saw him last. It's like he's not real, like I just dreampt that I met someone wonderful and married him... and then I woke up to a reality where he doesn't exist.

I miss hearing his voice right next to me, not to mention seeing his face clearly, touching him, feeling his warmth, listening to his heart beat and the sound of his breath... I could go on and on.

All the things I miss.

The thought of being detached made me sad. I don't want to lose his realness. He is real.

I clutched his sweater, still scented with his cologne, and buried my face in it before drifting off to sleep.

I didn't sleep well. I tossed and turned and had strange dreams.

I was trying to get a hold of Joey. He wasn't answering phone calls or text messages and I didn't know where he was. Hours later, he showed up with a group of guys, mostly his cousins. They were all drunk. It was the middle of the day, and I was mad. I've been worried about him all this time, and he's been out drinking?!

He wanted me to take him home because he was too drunk to drive. I was so irritated that I didn't even want to deal with him. I wanted to question him, yell at him, make him understand why I was upset. But he was too inebriated to pay attention to me in the way I wanted. He just wanted to go home.

He looked at me with so much love in his eyes - I could see it, even through the intoxication. I melted.

Yeah, I was pissed off, but he was mine and I loved him, no matter what.

I took him home and put him in bed, except... home was a single bed in some elderly lady's garage??? It was like a shelter... her garage had been all cleaned out, and filled with 4 clean single beds. The garage door was wide open, so it wasn't very warm. Was I homeless again? Why do I keep dreaming about Joey and I being homeless?

Anyway... I helped him up onto the single bed, and I wedged myself in next to him. No blankets, since we were both fully clothed with shoes on.

I wanted to talk, but he was sleepy. I was still frustrated, yet still doting over him. It didn't matter that we were in a stranger's garage and we were cold. It didn't matter that he was drunk, and I was pissed off at him. All that mattered was that he was there with me, I could put my arms around him, touch him, smell him, hear him. We were together, and there was such a strong love between us.

When I woke to my alarm, I was confused. I desperately wanted to go back to sleep, to my dream where Joey was laying next to me. But my phone alarm went off then, doubling up on my clock/radio, reminding me that I had an early appointment to keep.

Before I could reach the dresser to silence my phone, one of my cats climbed up and plopped down right on top of me, as if encouraging me to stay in bed and savor the memory of my husband. He was warm and his purr was soothing. I just layed there, both alarms sounding, still confused, trying to feel Joey beside me. But all I could feel was 11.5 pounds of purring fur-ball sprawled out over my chest and stomach.

I noticed then that I still clung to Joey's sweater - I had held onto it throughout the night - and it still smelled like him. When I finally pulled it away, and sluggishly got out of bed, I could still smell him on me. The cologne on the sweater had transferred onto my shirt. That's what used to happen after I had snuggled with him, when he was still home, when I could still kiss him goodbye before work. It gave me a false sense of his presence, like I could just get back in bed, and he would be there, and we would be together.

I hurried to get take the shirt off and get in the shower, partly because I was now running late, and partly to get rid of the misleading scent. As I washed, I visualized the last fragments of him running down the drain with the soapy water. I was detaching again.

No! I thought to myself. I don't want to be detached!

Somehow I have to find a balance. I don't know how to do it. When I think of Joey being near me, I get distracted and depressed. It's hard to deal with, especially at work. Yet, when I distance myself from him mentally, I lose him. He's still in my thoughts, but he's not whole. I'm not whole.

How can I keep him near me but still function without feeling sad all the time? How can I protect myself from depression without putting up the walls?

sigh.

I just wish he could come home.

Happy Friday

I meant to write a longer blog today, but I didn't get time. I might do it this weekend.

The short story is, my back and neck have been hurting A LOT this week, causing headaches and general ill temper on my part.

Work has continued to be a challenge, but a few good things have come out this week.

My interview for the new job is scheduled for Tuesday.

Because I did such an excellent job facilitating my department's retrospective meeting this week, I get to facilitate our iteration demo next week. That means I have to get up and talk in front of whoever attends the demo - last week it was standing room only, and it included the CEO and CFO.

Anyway, it's Friday, it's after 5:00, I'm done with my work for the week, and I'm heading out to play Bingo with my mother-in-law. Fun times.

So glad it's the weekend!

Salon Gossip

I was at the hair salon for a trim. There was a mix-up in scheduling, so I had to wait much longer than expected.

As I was flipping through a dated fashion magazine, a woman who'd just had her hair done came out and sat near me, waiting for a ride. I didn't look at her directly, I only caught the brightness of her newly bleached hair out of the corner of my eye.

The hairdresser, still in the back room sweeping bleached hair trimmings off the floor, poked her head out to congratulate me on my recent marriage. I smiled politely and thanked her. The blonde sitting next to me was apparently intrigued.

"Congratulations! When did you get married?" she asked excitedly.

"May 4th," I said, still not really looking at her. I hate idle chit-chat.

"Oh, have you gotten your pictures back from the photographer yet?"

I paused for a moment, unsure how to answer. "Um... there was no photographer..."

For the first time, I looked at her face, trying to convey meaning with my eyes. But she looked puzzed, so I felt obliged to elaborate. "We just had our family members take photos for us."

Her expression lit up. "Oh, like those cameras you put on the tables?"

Tables? I thought. Clearly she's one of those girls. Someone with a static mental image of the perfect wedding... lots of people sitting at lots of tables, maybe even with assigned seating... and a professional photographer.

I examined her more carefully. She was very bleached, very tan, and very thin, in an artifical way that I didn't find attractive. She was dressed young in a bright red short-sleeved top, blue skinny bootcut jeans, and pointy black heels. But the crows feet and smile lines were telling. She was possibly my age and a little worse for wear, or possibly 10 years older and trying to hide it. The phrase "high maintenance girl" came to mind.

"No," I replied. "We had a very small wedding outdoors. There were no tables."

She looked puzzled again, but she tried to recover. "Oh, I love outdoor weddings, I think they're so spiritual. It would be so neat to get married on a beach in Hawaii or something." I smiled and nodded. "Where did you get married?" she continued.

"Bush Park," I said flatly. It's basically the city park here in Salem. Nice and big, very green with lots of trees, but certainly not faraway or exotic like Hawaii.

She looked puzzled again. She was obviously not following my description. Her vision of the perfect wedding differed too greatly from mine. She was done trying to pull conversation out of me, for which I was grateful.

Finally, a man arrived to pick her up. He sat down next to her, and they talked.

"Do you like my hair?" she beamed.

"Uh... yeah, looks great. It's so... bright!" he said.

She let out an exasperated sigh. "You're supposed to say something good!" she whined.

I started to tune out their conversation, but I continued to pick up little bits here and there.

"I'm going to get my tattoo done by Kat Von D," she said matter-of-factly. She eyed the man sitting next to her. "Do you know who that is?"

"Nope."

"She's like... one of the best tattoo artists in the world. You know, she's got that show on TV...?"

No trace of recognition in the man's face.

"She's dating Nikki Sixx." She waited for a reaction.

The man looked at her strangely. "She's dating a woman? Is she a lesbian?"

Again, the blonde looked confused. "No," she corrected, "she's dating Nikki Sixx."

"I heard you... but Nikki is a woman's name, isn't it...?" The man acted like he was pointing out the obvious.

"Oh my god, you don't know who Nikki Sixx is?!"

The man shook his head half-heartedly.

"He's like... a really famous rock star. Yeah. He's like... really famous."

I don't think the blonde could even name the band that made Nikki Sixx famous. She just knew his name, and knew he was somebody, and that was enough to draw her admiration.

I quietly flipped the pages of my magazine while the blonde and her male friend got up to leave. When she stood up, she looked even more thin and frail than I had realized.

Finally it was time for my haircut.

The hairdresser shared gossip with the other stylish while she prepared to shampoo my hair.

"You know she had cancer, right? Yeah... she was living in California, but her husband kicked her out. He couldn't deal with the illness I guess."

Then I felt horrible. Poor woman, no wonder she looks so thin. But my hairdresser wasn't done yet.

"Then she moved up here to stay with her mom, but her mom kicked her out too."

I didn't know what to think then. How could any mother turn her own daughter away when she's suffering from cancer?

"She's... high maintenance," the hairdresser continued.

The other stylist looked curious.

"Well... she's a stripper, if you couldn't tell..."

Ah, there's the magic word. Suddenly it all makes sense. She is one of those girls. The bleached hair, tanned skin, and ditzy conversation were all explained now. And the extreme thinness, which I still feel bad about.

I don't know why I love gossip so much. I don't wish other people ill, but I sure like to hear about their lives. Apparently the hair salon is a good place for gossip. Maybe I should get a trim more often.