Breathe in.
Then breathe out.
That was the "team task" from our consultant on Friday.
On Monday we met with the external attacker, and we were pleasantly surprised when she basically talked herself down. Unexpected, but most certainly welcome.
Then today...
To start with, we only have 5 people on our team, since my coworker got the other job. One is out on vacation all week, and another is on vacation starting this afternoon. A third went home sick today. So now it's just me and one other guy, and he's only a tech writer, not a programmer. We have two projects completely un-started, and if they're not complete by end of business tomorrow, our budget for the next iteration will drop from 3.5 to 3, or maybe even 2.
So I'm the only programmer, and I have exactly one business day to start and finish two projects. And possibly be prepared to give demonstrations on them first thing Thursday morning.
No pressure.
If that wasn't enough, we got harshly yelled at again today, by somebody different this time, but about the same issue. It feels like we just finished hashing this out and getting everybody to agree to a plan. Then someone who wasn't involved in any of the previous negotiations questions it all over again.
[frustrated sigh]
I left work late yet again, stopped for drive-thru because I had no energy for making dinner, then rushed home and put my pajamas on. I booted up the computer hoping to talk to my husband, but he wasn't online. So I ate dinner while watching Jeopardy. I actually got the Final Jeopardy question right, which never happens. Then I logged into Warcraft, hoping to join my guild for a holiday quest (it's Brewfest - the WoW equivalent of Oktoberfest), but they already had a full group. Then I thought, now what am I gonna do?
And here I am writing this blog, because all my favorite outlets for stress relief are unavailable tonight.
I suppose I should go to bed early. Tomorrow is going to be brutal.
Breathe in.
Then breathe out.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Friday, September 25, 2009
Day of Punishment
Today was really hard, but not in the usual sort of way. My department was blind-sided by repeated beat-downs from other people, and each time, we scrambled to respond in the most politically acceptable way possible. Somehow I've become our spokesperson when correspondence is needed. I did a lot of writing today. Slow, careful, labored writing. The kind you only send when you fear a manager or CEO jumping on your ass, or when it's already happened once and you want to avoid any further reaming.
Blah.
Oddly though, I've had a perspective shift this week, and things in my department don't seem as bad as they did a few days ago. I think writing about it in my last post helped.
I also had an interesting conversation with our consultant where he told me that he thinks I'm at the same level as my coworker who is a level III. Our knowledge and experience is comparable, we participate and produce at similar levels, and we both provider leadership in different areas. That conversation was enough to alleviate my feelings of being stupid in the group workspace, although I still have my moments. At least I know now that even when I feel stupid, I'm still able to contribute in a way that is helpful to others.
The other thing that happened to change my perspective was that my team really came together this week, especially today. Even though this was a crappy day, it was crappy because of external influences - stuff we don't normally deal with, that likely won't come up again after this. The internal stuff was actually smooth and productive, and it felt like everyone respected and trusted one another in ways that I really haven't seen before this week. It gave me a renewed sense of hope.
Even so, I really do need a day off. Unfortunately, because of scheduling and other people being out, I can't get one for a while. I did manage to get my birthday off, in about a month, so at least I have that to look forward to.
Besides that, I'm just kinda blah tonight. It's the end of an incredibly long and mentally draining week. I have a headache. I'm hungry, I'm tired, and I'm frustrated with the distance between my husband and I. I can only handle repeating myself so many times over the unstable internet connection before I'm just done trying. Especially when we end our call on an argument. Maybe the argument wouldn't happen if we were face to face and could talk without technical difficulties.
I think I'll make myself some comfort food and then climb into bed. The weekend is right around the corner.
Blah.
Oddly though, I've had a perspective shift this week, and things in my department don't seem as bad as they did a few days ago. I think writing about it in my last post helped.
I also had an interesting conversation with our consultant where he told me that he thinks I'm at the same level as my coworker who is a level III. Our knowledge and experience is comparable, we participate and produce at similar levels, and we both provider leadership in different areas. That conversation was enough to alleviate my feelings of being stupid in the group workspace, although I still have my moments. At least I know now that even when I feel stupid, I'm still able to contribute in a way that is helpful to others.
The other thing that happened to change my perspective was that my team really came together this week, especially today. Even though this was a crappy day, it was crappy because of external influences - stuff we don't normally deal with, that likely won't come up again after this. The internal stuff was actually smooth and productive, and it felt like everyone respected and trusted one another in ways that I really haven't seen before this week. It gave me a renewed sense of hope.
Even so, I really do need a day off. Unfortunately, because of scheduling and other people being out, I can't get one for a while. I did manage to get my birthday off, in about a month, so at least I have that to look forward to.
Besides that, I'm just kinda blah tonight. It's the end of an incredibly long and mentally draining week. I have a headache. I'm hungry, I'm tired, and I'm frustrated with the distance between my husband and I. I can only handle repeating myself so many times over the unstable internet connection before I'm just done trying. Especially when we end our call on an argument. Maybe the argument wouldn't happen if we were face to face and could talk without technical difficulties.
I think I'll make myself some comfort food and then climb into bed. The weekend is right around the corner.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Stoopid
The shock and awe subsided.
I had a long conversation with my boss -- so long that we both missed lunch. My boss doesn't function as much a direct manager anymore because of our organizational changes. Now that he's stepped back a little, he seems more willing to listen. Not that he was unwilling before, but... I guess it's more than just listening. He actually wanted to understand where I was coming from. By the end of our talk, we hadn't reached any major resolutions but it was nice to catch up, clarify some details, and reach a common understanding. For once, I left his office feeling better. I thanked him for that later in the day.
It was weird to pass by my coworker's empty office on my way out that day. His new desk is in another part of the building. This morning, he was in a meeting in our area with three other people. At the end of the meeting, he left. That was weird too. I haven't really missed his presence yet - it still feels like he's on vacation. I told my boss that it would be 2-3 weeks before I started to feel depressed about it. He invited me to come back and talk again when that happens. Maybe I'll bring a sack lunch that day.
I realized today that our new work environment makes me feel stupid, and I can't pinpoint why that is. I know part of it has to do with my energy level. Being in the group workspace all day is very exhausting to me. When I'm tired, I'm not at the top of my game. But there's something more than that.
I do know that my introversion, learning disability, and ADD (not necessarily in that order) have had far more of an impact on my working life in this new environment than they've ever had before. That's extremely frustrating to me. I have a set of learned behaviors and habits that help me compensate for my issues, and they're mostly useless now. I can't withdraw when I'm overwhelmed, I can't isolate myself from distractions, and I can't think and learn in my own way because I've got to collaborate with another person, my pair partner, and my partner changes throughout the day so I can't even adapt to one person's style. I think that's why I'm so tired all the time - it's really a mental struggle to get through each day. This is where I will miss my coworker the most - he was the only person I'd been able to pair with successfully, without it feeling like a major drain. We had developed a good rhythm when we worked together. I don't have that rhythm with anyone else.
Sometimes I get a mental block. My partner might be moving too fast, or not adequately explaining his reasoning, or we may not be thinking in the same direction. More often than not, I'm just entirely lost. It's not because I don't get it. I can understand perfectly fine when I work alone, and when I work with that one coworker. In those situations, I definitely get it. But when I work with the others, particularly within that noisy common workspace, I just feel stupid.
It reminds me of how I used to feel when I was in college, when the professor would tell us to write a 15-page paper on a 500 page book that we were supposed to read on our own time. No discussion in class. That was an instant C in the class for me. And not because my paper would suck, but because I would never write it. I would never even finish the book. The few times I buckled down and forced my way through a reading assignment (when it was shorter, more interesting, or otherwise less intimidating), I would get all kinds of hand-written comments of bewilderment on my paper. The professor just couldn't understand how I'd missed the point so completely.
It made me feel so stupid. I could get A's on all my assignments and tests, clearly demonstrating my knowledge of the class subject, but if any significant chunk of our grade was based on independent reading, I wouldn't do well. Why couldn't I read and understand that book and write the damn paper? I must be retarded.
I had gone for so many years without feeling that way that I had forgotten how frustrating it can be. I've run into it from time to time at various jobs, but never in such a way that it really kept me from fulfilling my responsibilities.
I suppose it's not really stopping me from fulfilling my responsibilities - obviously I'm still doing my job, and they like me enough that I'm not fired. But still... I'm not as good as I used to be, and that's hard for me to swallow. I'm a perfectionist and I'm competitive, at least with myself if not with others. When I'm not doing my absolute best, it really bothers me.
Something else has been bothering me that's not related to work, although it is affecting my work -- my growing anxiety about my husband.
I've been trying to figure out what triggered the anxiety. I mean, I was fine for the first few months. I was sad that he was gone, and worried for his safety and well being, but that's entirely normal. I wasn't having anxiety attacks or strange dreams, I wasn't totally losing sleep over it, and it wasn't creeping into my brain during the day, at least not like this.
It's the worst when I have a bad dream. I don't get enough sleep, I wake up still thinking about it, and it takes half the day to get my head straight. Sometimes I catch myself thinking of him, and I feel myself choking up with emotion - just out of the blue.
One of my coworkers, who's been super supportive of my relationship with Joe since the beginning, has encouraged me to take days off when I need a break, and use my FMLA time as much as possible. But I don't think he understands how it is. If I called in sick every time I woke up feeling like I couldn't function mentally, I would be gone a lot. If I went home sick in the middle of the day every time I felt like I might break down, I would be gone even more. I would lose my job.
But on the other hand, I'm certainly not doing myself any favors when it comes to attention or energy level. I get distracted by Joe a lot during the day, either directly through random thoughts, or indirectly through lack of sleep.
What I really want is to stop the day and let those thoughts happen naturally. My instinct tells me to go into a private room, shut the door, and feel whatever I need to feel when I think of him. That would be the healthiest way to deal with it. If it makes me sad, then maybe I need to cry. If it freaks me out, then maybe I need to have a little anxiety attack. But I can't do that. I sit in a room with other people and they're expecting me to be part of a team, all day, every day.
It feels like such a struggle. I've never wished for a winning lottery ticket so much in all my life. I'm starting to wonder if I need to get on medication or something. I hate the idea of it, but if I continue losing sleep, having anxiety, and performing so marginally at work... I'm not sure what else to do.
I miss Joey so much, I wish he could just home. I've always been a disaster when it comes to timing -- of course I would go through a major work transition and a major personal transition at the same time! I wouldn't be me if I didn't.
[sigh]
Sometimes I wish I could be someone else.
... a vampire, perhaps ...
[wicked grin]
I had a long conversation with my boss -- so long that we both missed lunch. My boss doesn't function as much a direct manager anymore because of our organizational changes. Now that he's stepped back a little, he seems more willing to listen. Not that he was unwilling before, but... I guess it's more than just listening. He actually wanted to understand where I was coming from. By the end of our talk, we hadn't reached any major resolutions but it was nice to catch up, clarify some details, and reach a common understanding. For once, I left his office feeling better. I thanked him for that later in the day.
It was weird to pass by my coworker's empty office on my way out that day. His new desk is in another part of the building. This morning, he was in a meeting in our area with three other people. At the end of the meeting, he left. That was weird too. I haven't really missed his presence yet - it still feels like he's on vacation. I told my boss that it would be 2-3 weeks before I started to feel depressed about it. He invited me to come back and talk again when that happens. Maybe I'll bring a sack lunch that day.
I realized today that our new work environment makes me feel stupid, and I can't pinpoint why that is. I know part of it has to do with my energy level. Being in the group workspace all day is very exhausting to me. When I'm tired, I'm not at the top of my game. But there's something more than that.
I do know that my introversion, learning disability, and ADD (not necessarily in that order) have had far more of an impact on my working life in this new environment than they've ever had before. That's extremely frustrating to me. I have a set of learned behaviors and habits that help me compensate for my issues, and they're mostly useless now. I can't withdraw when I'm overwhelmed, I can't isolate myself from distractions, and I can't think and learn in my own way because I've got to collaborate with another person, my pair partner, and my partner changes throughout the day so I can't even adapt to one person's style. I think that's why I'm so tired all the time - it's really a mental struggle to get through each day. This is where I will miss my coworker the most - he was the only person I'd been able to pair with successfully, without it feeling like a major drain. We had developed a good rhythm when we worked together. I don't have that rhythm with anyone else.
Sometimes I get a mental block. My partner might be moving too fast, or not adequately explaining his reasoning, or we may not be thinking in the same direction. More often than not, I'm just entirely lost. It's not because I don't get it. I can understand perfectly fine when I work alone, and when I work with that one coworker. In those situations, I definitely get it. But when I work with the others, particularly within that noisy common workspace, I just feel stupid.
It reminds me of how I used to feel when I was in college, when the professor would tell us to write a 15-page paper on a 500 page book that we were supposed to read on our own time. No discussion in class. That was an instant C in the class for me. And not because my paper would suck, but because I would never write it. I would never even finish the book. The few times I buckled down and forced my way through a reading assignment (when it was shorter, more interesting, or otherwise less intimidating), I would get all kinds of hand-written comments of bewilderment on my paper. The professor just couldn't understand how I'd missed the point so completely.
It made me feel so stupid. I could get A's on all my assignments and tests, clearly demonstrating my knowledge of the class subject, but if any significant chunk of our grade was based on independent reading, I wouldn't do well. Why couldn't I read and understand that book and write the damn paper? I must be retarded.
I had gone for so many years without feeling that way that I had forgotten how frustrating it can be. I've run into it from time to time at various jobs, but never in such a way that it really kept me from fulfilling my responsibilities.
I suppose it's not really stopping me from fulfilling my responsibilities - obviously I'm still doing my job, and they like me enough that I'm not fired. But still... I'm not as good as I used to be, and that's hard for me to swallow. I'm a perfectionist and I'm competitive, at least with myself if not with others. When I'm not doing my absolute best, it really bothers me.
Something else has been bothering me that's not related to work, although it is affecting my work -- my growing anxiety about my husband.
I've been trying to figure out what triggered the anxiety. I mean, I was fine for the first few months. I was sad that he was gone, and worried for his safety and well being, but that's entirely normal. I wasn't having anxiety attacks or strange dreams, I wasn't totally losing sleep over it, and it wasn't creeping into my brain during the day, at least not like this.
It's the worst when I have a bad dream. I don't get enough sleep, I wake up still thinking about it, and it takes half the day to get my head straight. Sometimes I catch myself thinking of him, and I feel myself choking up with emotion - just out of the blue.
One of my coworkers, who's been super supportive of my relationship with Joe since the beginning, has encouraged me to take days off when I need a break, and use my FMLA time as much as possible. But I don't think he understands how it is. If I called in sick every time I woke up feeling like I couldn't function mentally, I would be gone a lot. If I went home sick in the middle of the day every time I felt like I might break down, I would be gone even more. I would lose my job.
But on the other hand, I'm certainly not doing myself any favors when it comes to attention or energy level. I get distracted by Joe a lot during the day, either directly through random thoughts, or indirectly through lack of sleep.
What I really want is to stop the day and let those thoughts happen naturally. My instinct tells me to go into a private room, shut the door, and feel whatever I need to feel when I think of him. That would be the healthiest way to deal with it. If it makes me sad, then maybe I need to cry. If it freaks me out, then maybe I need to have a little anxiety attack. But I can't do that. I sit in a room with other people and they're expecting me to be part of a team, all day, every day.
It feels like such a struggle. I've never wished for a winning lottery ticket so much in all my life. I'm starting to wonder if I need to get on medication or something. I hate the idea of it, but if I continue losing sleep, having anxiety, and performing so marginally at work... I'm not sure what else to do.
I miss Joey so much, I wish he could just home. I've always been a disaster when it comes to timing -- of course I would go through a major work transition and a major personal transition at the same time! I wouldn't be me if I didn't.
[sigh]
Sometimes I wish I could be someone else.
... a vampire, perhaps ...
[wicked grin]
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Shock and Awe
My job just keeps getting weirder and weirder, and not in the complimentary sense of the word.
So... the job I applied for, but didn't get...
My coworker/former best friend got it. I found this out a few days ago. Big mixed feelings there. I'm upset that I didn't get the job I wanted, and I'm also upset that I'll be losing my favorite coworker. He's the only one with any real logical problem solving skill, and the only one besides me who brings the sanity check to the table when everyone else is talking out their asses. This leaves me feeling more alone than ever.
The big news, which we just got 10 minutes ago is that he starts his new position today. Not just today, but right now. As in, the announcement was made, and he was immediately told to start moving his stuff to his new desk. He won't be part of this next iteration at all. And our other developer is out today and tomorrow, so that leaves me literally on my own until Monday.
I'm still in some shock over that.
The other big news, which makes me feel especially melancholy, is that we're going to hire another developer, someone senior level.
We have three levels for this position, I, II, and III. I'm a II. I've been trying to move up to III for the last year. I was on my way to doing that, even had a plan with my manager, until we started this new Agile transition. Now I'm very unclear about where I stand.
If we're hiring a new III, does that mean I can be a III, and we can hire a II to replace me? Or does it mean people have already made the assumption I'm not qualified to be a III, and I have to remain a II while we hire some new guy to be a III?
I'm so confused.
My level of job satisfaction, what little was left, just plummeted into the toilet.
So... the job I applied for, but didn't get...
My coworker/former best friend got it. I found this out a few days ago. Big mixed feelings there. I'm upset that I didn't get the job I wanted, and I'm also upset that I'll be losing my favorite coworker. He's the only one with any real logical problem solving skill, and the only one besides me who brings the sanity check to the table when everyone else is talking out their asses. This leaves me feeling more alone than ever.
The big news, which we just got 10 minutes ago is that he starts his new position today. Not just today, but right now. As in, the announcement was made, and he was immediately told to start moving his stuff to his new desk. He won't be part of this next iteration at all. And our other developer is out today and tomorrow, so that leaves me literally on my own until Monday.
I'm still in some shock over that.
The other big news, which makes me feel especially melancholy, is that we're going to hire another developer, someone senior level.
We have three levels for this position, I, II, and III. I'm a II. I've been trying to move up to III for the last year. I was on my way to doing that, even had a plan with my manager, until we started this new Agile transition. Now I'm very unclear about where I stand.
If we're hiring a new III, does that mean I can be a III, and we can hire a II to replace me? Or does it mean people have already made the assumption I'm not qualified to be a III, and I have to remain a II while we hire some new guy to be a III?
I'm so confused.
My level of job satisfaction, what little was left, just plummeted into the toilet.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Midnight Cookies & Cream
I'm an ice cream snob. I buy the premium stuff - none of this cheap generic store brand that comes in a big bucket with a handle. I like my ice cream to be hard, dense, rich, and creamy. (Ooh, that almost sounds dirty!)
Don't get me wrong, the cheap stuff still has its place. The dixie cup and the drumstick are classics from my childhood, and I still enjoy them when the occasion calls for it. But when I sit down with a pint, a spoon, and a craving, only the best will do.
"Best", of course, is a relative term. I only have access to what's in the grocery store, and the choices are often slim. Haagen Dazs is my go-to, but I'll try others. I recently tried Julie's Organic, and it was decent.
I love fresh gelato too. There's a gelato shop in Portland that makes the most amazing pistachio I've ever tasted. I don't usually go for the nutty flavors, but I make an exception for theirs.
I sometimes wonder what happened to the amazing flavors I used to love? I never see Vanilla Fudge anymore. Coffee Toffee Crunch has become scarce. It's even hard to find a good mint chip that's not dyed green and loaded with extra sugar.
The one I miss most is Haagen Dazs Midnight Cookies & Cream. Chocolate ice cream, oreo cookies, and a ribbon of fudge. Chocolaty goodness of the gods. But it was one of those limited edition flavors that just doesn't exist anymore.
Or so I thought... I googled and found something called Chocolate Midnight Cookie, which appears to be the same flavor I love, but only sold in the UK. If the cost of international shipping wasn't exorbitant, I'd almost consider having a case imported. Why can't they sell it in the U.S.?
I wonder if Miss T is a chocaholic and/or ice cream snob? Perhaps I should pass this golden nugget of information to her, if she doesn't have it already.
Don't get me wrong, the cheap stuff still has its place. The dixie cup and the drumstick are classics from my childhood, and I still enjoy them when the occasion calls for it. But when I sit down with a pint, a spoon, and a craving, only the best will do.
"Best", of course, is a relative term. I only have access to what's in the grocery store, and the choices are often slim. Haagen Dazs is my go-to, but I'll try others. I recently tried Julie's Organic, and it was decent.
I love fresh gelato too. There's a gelato shop in Portland that makes the most amazing pistachio I've ever tasted. I don't usually go for the nutty flavors, but I make an exception for theirs.
I sometimes wonder what happened to the amazing flavors I used to love? I never see Vanilla Fudge anymore. Coffee Toffee Crunch has become scarce. It's even hard to find a good mint chip that's not dyed green and loaded with extra sugar.
The one I miss most is Haagen Dazs Midnight Cookies & Cream. Chocolate ice cream, oreo cookies, and a ribbon of fudge. Chocolaty goodness of the gods. But it was one of those limited edition flavors that just doesn't exist anymore.
Or so I thought... I googled and found something called Chocolate Midnight Cookie, which appears to be the same flavor I love, but only sold in the UK. If the cost of international shipping wasn't exorbitant, I'd almost consider having a case imported. Why can't they sell it in the U.S.?
I wonder if Miss T is a chocaholic and/or ice cream snob? Perhaps I should pass this golden nugget of information to her, if she doesn't have it already.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Myers-Briggs
I was thinking about what career would be good for me (this was spawned by my current job dissatisfaction), and it had been several months since the last time, so I took it again...
ISTJ
Introverted (100)
Sensing (12)
Thinking (1)
Judging (22)
My score seems to change based on my current mood or most recent experiences. I test as INFJ most consistently, but I've also scored ISFJ and INTJ, and a different set of test questions resulted in INFP.
I think it's funny that I'm so strongly introverted, yet totally on the fence with the other three preferences. Does that speak to my indecisiveness? lol
http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/jtypes1.htm
ISTJ
Introverted (100)
Sensing (12)
Thinking (1)
Judging (22)
My score seems to change based on my current mood or most recent experiences. I test as INFJ most consistently, but I've also scored ISFJ and INTJ, and a different set of test questions resulted in INFP.
I think it's funny that I'm so strongly introverted, yet totally on the fence with the other three preferences. Does that speak to my indecisiveness? lol
http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/jtypes1.htm
Monday, September 14, 2009
Unravel
I could not get to sleep last night. I layed awake forever, agitated, restless.
This morning I woke up to an anxiety attack. My alarm/radio seemed so loud, even though the volume is the same every day. It was too early for me to get up and I felt too exhausted to move my body, yet I was so wired that my body was twitchy and fidgety and it felt like my heart rate was up. I was panting like I was out of breath, and I couldn't stop. I clutched Joe's sweater tightly, and I tossed and turned.
It went on for about an hour. When I finally settled down, exhaustion took over, and I couldn't hear the radio anymore, as if someone turned the volume way down. I dropped into heavy sleepiness. Of course by then, it was almost time to get up. I spent the next 40 minutes trying to hold my eyes open and focus on the bright trees outside.
Now I'm up, I'm at work, but I feel anxious and irritable. I don't want to be here. I wish I could go back to my deep sleepiness. I'm so tired.
Anxiety seems to be more common for me these days. I remember about a year ago, I was having anxiety attacks pretty regularly. That all went away when Joe came home from Basic Training. The night he arrived back in town, he came to my place, and we were together from then on. I never had another panic attack. His presence has such a calming effect on me.
I was afraid that I would slump back into depression/anxiety the moment he left for deployment. Much to my own surprise, it didn't happen right away. In fact, I was doing great for about the first 3 months. But by the start of month #4, I was beginning to unravel.
It doesn't help that my work environment is immensely stressful and dissatisfying right now. Wouldn't it be nice if everything didn't happen all at once?
I'm not sure what to do about this. My work is affecting my health. My health is affecting my work. Joe's deployment is affecting everything. And we have a crappy new PTO policy at work, so it's harder for me to call in sick for a mental health day without repercussions.
I wish I could go on permanent vacation.
This morning I woke up to an anxiety attack. My alarm/radio seemed so loud, even though the volume is the same every day. It was too early for me to get up and I felt too exhausted to move my body, yet I was so wired that my body was twitchy and fidgety and it felt like my heart rate was up. I was panting like I was out of breath, and I couldn't stop. I clutched Joe's sweater tightly, and I tossed and turned.
It went on for about an hour. When I finally settled down, exhaustion took over, and I couldn't hear the radio anymore, as if someone turned the volume way down. I dropped into heavy sleepiness. Of course by then, it was almost time to get up. I spent the next 40 minutes trying to hold my eyes open and focus on the bright trees outside.
Now I'm up, I'm at work, but I feel anxious and irritable. I don't want to be here. I wish I could go back to my deep sleepiness. I'm so tired.
Anxiety seems to be more common for me these days. I remember about a year ago, I was having anxiety attacks pretty regularly. That all went away when Joe came home from Basic Training. The night he arrived back in town, he came to my place, and we were together from then on. I never had another panic attack. His presence has such a calming effect on me.
I was afraid that I would slump back into depression/anxiety the moment he left for deployment. Much to my own surprise, it didn't happen right away. In fact, I was doing great for about the first 3 months. But by the start of month #4, I was beginning to unravel.
It doesn't help that my work environment is immensely stressful and dissatisfying right now. Wouldn't it be nice if everything didn't happen all at once?
I'm not sure what to do about this. My work is affecting my health. My health is affecting my work. Joe's deployment is affecting everything. And we have a crappy new PTO policy at work, so it's harder for me to call in sick for a mental health day without repercussions.
I wish I could go on permanent vacation.
Friday, September 11, 2009
Exhale
Lots of emotion and tension during the past week. Some things stubbornly refuse to change, while others are changing drastically. The only comfort I find in this is the reminder that nothing is permanent. Even the frustrations that seem to be constant now... eventually they will fade away into new and different circumstances.
I finally got to see Joey's handsome face and bright smile on Skype today. We weren't able to talk very much at all this week, so it was a relief to finally see him, even through the blurred and distorted lens of his webcam. We talked for an hour before exchanging goofy air kisses and saying goodnight. His voice always melts my stress away and makes me feel whole again.
My stomach has given me trouble all week long. I eat and feel ill later on, or I feel too queasy to eat anything in the first place. This afternoon I ate a chocolate covered strawberry, which tasted amazing at the time, but didn't sit right in my tummy. Now I can't decide whether to eat dinner or not. I know I need to, but I really don't feel like it. Maybe just a nice cup of chamomile...
I'm going to put my pajamas on, curl up with a cat, and watch a few episodes of True Blood. A friend lent me the first season, and has been prodding me to hurry up and finish it so we can talk about it. So far it's pretty good, but I'm tired of watching the idiot brother get high and have sex with random women. I do like the vampire's southern gentleman style.
My cup of tea awaits...
I finally got to see Joey's handsome face and bright smile on Skype today. We weren't able to talk very much at all this week, so it was a relief to finally see him, even through the blurred and distorted lens of his webcam. We talked for an hour before exchanging goofy air kisses and saying goodnight. His voice always melts my stress away and makes me feel whole again.
My stomach has given me trouble all week long. I eat and feel ill later on, or I feel too queasy to eat anything in the first place. This afternoon I ate a chocolate covered strawberry, which tasted amazing at the time, but didn't sit right in my tummy. Now I can't decide whether to eat dinner or not. I know I need to, but I really don't feel like it. Maybe just a nice cup of chamomile...
I'm going to put my pajamas on, curl up with a cat, and watch a few episodes of True Blood. A friend lent me the first season, and has been prodding me to hurry up and finish it so we can talk about it. So far it's pretty good, but I'm tired of watching the idiot brother get high and have sex with random women. I do like the vampire's southern gentleman style.
My cup of tea awaits...
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Duck and Cover
Third post in one day. I'm just a writin' fool.
I've been unmanageably tense all day long. I'm home now, done with work, and I'm still a ball of frustration. My back hurts, my stomach is groaning, my head is pounding, and I'm freakin' tired.
It's only Tuesday.
I miss my husband more than ever, and of course it happens at a time when his internet connection is down and we can't talk.
I really wanted a partner I could share my life with, who would be there when I needed support and encouragement. I got my wish - I married someone who is strong and caring, who is always willing to listen. Except he can't be available for me when I need him.
It's not his fault. These are circumstances beyond his control. I just... really miss him. I wish I could have one of his hugs right now.
This has been a really rough couple of months for me. Several piles of shit all hit the fan at the same time. Big changes at work, not getting the new job I wanted, Joey being gone.
Now that I'm thinking about the prospect of job searching, I realized that I've never been this alone and isolated while looking for a job before. I've always had a boyfriend or close friends who gave moral support and even helped me review my resume. I know Joey would do that for me if he was here, and I'd certainly do it for him if he needed me to.
I'm worried because the job market really sucks right now, and it could take many months to find a new job that I'm excited about. That's the key word - excited - because it would be pointless to leave one crappy job for another crappy job.
I'm worried that I'll have to look for jobs outside of Salem. The market is better in Portland, and tons better in Seattle. But I'm not prepared to move, not while Joey's gone. This isn't just my decision anymore, it's his too. It's both our lives now, not just mine alone. Especially if we plan to have children when he comes home.
The stupid thing is, I'm not even sure what I want to do. I kinda want to keep writing software, but I also feel like doing something completely different. But I can't really afford to do anything different. Software is where my most recent experience is, and if I want to keep paying the bills, that's where my best paycheck will come from.
I guess I just feel backed into a corner right now. I'm out of options at my current job. There aren't a ton of options for new jobs, and even those are limited by my experience (which doesn't look great on paper), my location (which is not a hot bed for technology jobs), and the fact that I need to plan ahead now for my husband and my family.
I wish I had the financial freedom to work part-time for a while, or go back to school, or even do something crazy like travel for a few months.
I feel trapped by my own life. I hate my job, I miss my husband, and it will be months, if not the better part of a year before either situation is remedied. All I can do is hunker down and prepare to weather the storm.
This too shall pass.
Eventually.
I've been unmanageably tense all day long. I'm home now, done with work, and I'm still a ball of frustration. My back hurts, my stomach is groaning, my head is pounding, and I'm freakin' tired.
It's only Tuesday.
I miss my husband more than ever, and of course it happens at a time when his internet connection is down and we can't talk.
I really wanted a partner I could share my life with, who would be there when I needed support and encouragement. I got my wish - I married someone who is strong and caring, who is always willing to listen. Except he can't be available for me when I need him.
It's not his fault. These are circumstances beyond his control. I just... really miss him. I wish I could have one of his hugs right now.
This has been a really rough couple of months for me. Several piles of shit all hit the fan at the same time. Big changes at work, not getting the new job I wanted, Joey being gone.
Now that I'm thinking about the prospect of job searching, I realized that I've never been this alone and isolated while looking for a job before. I've always had a boyfriend or close friends who gave moral support and even helped me review my resume. I know Joey would do that for me if he was here, and I'd certainly do it for him if he needed me to.
I'm worried because the job market really sucks right now, and it could take many months to find a new job that I'm excited about. That's the key word - excited - because it would be pointless to leave one crappy job for another crappy job.
I'm worried that I'll have to look for jobs outside of Salem. The market is better in Portland, and tons better in Seattle. But I'm not prepared to move, not while Joey's gone. This isn't just my decision anymore, it's his too. It's both our lives now, not just mine alone. Especially if we plan to have children when he comes home.
The stupid thing is, I'm not even sure what I want to do. I kinda want to keep writing software, but I also feel like doing something completely different. But I can't really afford to do anything different. Software is where my most recent experience is, and if I want to keep paying the bills, that's where my best paycheck will come from.
I guess I just feel backed into a corner right now. I'm out of options at my current job. There aren't a ton of options for new jobs, and even those are limited by my experience (which doesn't look great on paper), my location (which is not a hot bed for technology jobs), and the fact that I need to plan ahead now for my husband and my family.
I wish I had the financial freedom to work part-time for a while, or go back to school, or even do something crazy like travel for a few months.
I feel trapped by my own life. I hate my job, I miss my husband, and it will be months, if not the better part of a year before either situation is remedied. All I can do is hunker down and prepare to weather the storm.
This too shall pass.
Eventually.
Caring For Your Introvert
I'm an introvert (89%, according to Myers-Briggs), and I have ADD. These two facts have never affected my work in a very strong way until recently. Working in a group environment is exceptionally draining to me. It makes me feel even more anti-social outside of work too. It also makes me miss my husband more, because he's one of the few people with whom I can spend a ton of time and not get worn out. Rare is the person who makes me feel more energized instead of more exhausted. Most people, even the ones I really like a lot, make me feel tired.
I've been reflecting on this a lot during the last few days as I've thought about my work. I want to work in an environment where I can succeed, and I'm afraid that my current environment is not ideal for that. I can still do my job, achieve goals, meet deadlines, etc. But I can never perform at the same level as I did before, when I was allowed to work independently, in my own space. At best, I can be mediocre here.
Am I satisfied with mediocre?
Hell no.
Anyway... in thinking about this, I did a bit of research, and I found this article which is entertaining and interesting. I think it's a bit biased (I don't believe that introverts are inherently more intelligent than extraverts), but thought provoking nonetheless.
http://www.learningplaceonline.com/relationships/friends/caring-introvert.htm
I've been reflecting on this a lot during the last few days as I've thought about my work. I want to work in an environment where I can succeed, and I'm afraid that my current environment is not ideal for that. I can still do my job, achieve goals, meet deadlines, etc. But I can never perform at the same level as I did before, when I was allowed to work independently, in my own space. At best, I can be mediocre here.
Am I satisfied with mediocre?
Hell no.
Anyway... in thinking about this, I did a bit of research, and I found this article which is entertaining and interesting. I think it's a bit biased (I don't believe that introverts are inherently more intelligent than extraverts), but thought provoking nonetheless.
http://www.learningplaceonline.com/relationships/friends/caring-introvert.htm
Worst 3 Day Weekend Ever
I was not selected as a finalist for the job I applied for. The department director told me I'm #4, and they can only accept the top 3. Oddly enough, 2 of the top 3 are external candidates, and the third is someone internal, who beat me out only because they supplied letters of recommendation.
I always thought reference letters were rather meaningless, especially when you're applying for an internal position. You're already a known quantity, right? Guess I was wrong.
The application instructions did not mention anything about letters of recommendation. That means someone thought to just do it anyway, and I didn't.
I'm pretty sure my coworker/former best friend is the one who beat me out, though he hasn't said anything about it. I noticed he's in a giddy mood today, and I find it especially irritating.
Anyway... I found this out on Thursday last week. I had a rough Thursday afternoon and Friday as I attempted to squash my frustration in order to stay productive.
On Saturday, I let it all out. All day long. There was much wallowing, crying, anger, over-analyzing... and finally the conclusion that my current company just isn't a good fit for me. Or perhaps I'm not a good fit for the company. Either way, the opportunities I want are not here, and the role they keep trying to squeeze me into is no longer acceptable to me.
So when I talk to my manager about this, he's going to ask, what can the company do to help me resolve this? Because they don't want me to leave.
I thought long and hard on this. I even made a mental list of pros and cons about my job. I came up with a lot of cons, and only a few honest pros. But I worked through the issue enough that I was able to stop crying about it.
I got up and went about my evening.
Then I noticed it was getting late and I hadn't heard from Joe like usual.
I spent all day Sunday playing WoW, but wondered why Joe still hadn't called me.
By Monday I was in all out panic mode. It's not like Joe to just stop calling me. He calls me every day, sometimes twice a day, unless he's going some place where he can't call, in which case he always lets me know ahead of time. So why hadn't he called me? Why hadn't I seen him online? Was there some emergency?
Naturally, like an idiot, I read the news, looking for some shred of information. Big mistake. Suicide bombing at a police checkpoint in Ramadi. Oh hey, Ramadi's like right next to Joe's base. For all I know, this is a checkpoint he drives through regularly when he's on a mission.
Must. Stop. Reading. News.
I didn't play WoW on Monday, for fear I might miss Joe's call. I was restless and agitated all day. I couldn't go to bed, and when I finally forced myself, I couldn't sleep.
Tuesday morning, I laid in bed, being stubborn - I wasn't going to get up until Joe called me.
Finally, at about 8:20am, I forced myself out of bed, not wanting to be completely late to work. As I got up, I noticed my phone's indicator was showing a missed call.
What?!
I checked my phone. A missed call from "unavailable" at 7:38am.
How?! I was in bed, right next to my phone, waiting for a call. How could I possibly have missed it?
Stupid bad cell signal. Obviously my phone didn't even ring, because I surely would have heard it. The volume was all the way up to level 5.
I jumped on the computer to see if Joe was on Skype. No dice.
In a last ditch effort, I went to Myspace. Fortunately, he left me a comment there. His internet has been down for days.
So I've been seriously worried because of an internet outage?! Grrr... Doesn't the army understand what this does to families back home?
It was now almost 8:45am. I have to be at work no later than 9:30am.
Slow, tired shower. Back and neck hurt. Lightning fast getting dressed. Grab keys, fly out the door, hop in the car, walk in at 9:28am.
Immediately irritated. I didn't get any sleep. I've been really stressed out worrying about Joe, and now I can really feel it. I'm on a short fuse. Our consultant is out all week, which means the blind are leading the blind. I hate that. My coworker is strangely chipper, and it's pissing me off. He must have gotten his good news today about the job.
Oh right. The job.
Sigh.
In my worry about Joe, I had almost forgotten.
So I'm tired, irritable, frustrated about the job situation, and besides that, I just plain don't want to be here.
I think when a soldier is sent away for deployment, the government should compensate the family somehow. They should pay me to stay home, at least part time, so I can suffer in silence and not be a burden on the people around me. Maybe then I could catch up on my house work.
How in the hell do women with children do this, while their husbands are overseas?
I'm angry at everyone and everything today.
I always thought reference letters were rather meaningless, especially when you're applying for an internal position. You're already a known quantity, right? Guess I was wrong.
The application instructions did not mention anything about letters of recommendation. That means someone thought to just do it anyway, and I didn't.
I'm pretty sure my coworker/former best friend is the one who beat me out, though he hasn't said anything about it. I noticed he's in a giddy mood today, and I find it especially irritating.
Anyway... I found this out on Thursday last week. I had a rough Thursday afternoon and Friday as I attempted to squash my frustration in order to stay productive.
On Saturday, I let it all out. All day long. There was much wallowing, crying, anger, over-analyzing... and finally the conclusion that my current company just isn't a good fit for me. Or perhaps I'm not a good fit for the company. Either way, the opportunities I want are not here, and the role they keep trying to squeeze me into is no longer acceptable to me.
So when I talk to my manager about this, he's going to ask, what can the company do to help me resolve this? Because they don't want me to leave.
I thought long and hard on this. I even made a mental list of pros and cons about my job. I came up with a lot of cons, and only a few honest pros. But I worked through the issue enough that I was able to stop crying about it.
I got up and went about my evening.
Then I noticed it was getting late and I hadn't heard from Joe like usual.
I spent all day Sunday playing WoW, but wondered why Joe still hadn't called me.
By Monday I was in all out panic mode. It's not like Joe to just stop calling me. He calls me every day, sometimes twice a day, unless he's going some place where he can't call, in which case he always lets me know ahead of time. So why hadn't he called me? Why hadn't I seen him online? Was there some emergency?
Naturally, like an idiot, I read the news, looking for some shred of information. Big mistake. Suicide bombing at a police checkpoint in Ramadi. Oh hey, Ramadi's like right next to Joe's base. For all I know, this is a checkpoint he drives through regularly when he's on a mission.
Must. Stop. Reading. News.
I didn't play WoW on Monday, for fear I might miss Joe's call. I was restless and agitated all day. I couldn't go to bed, and when I finally forced myself, I couldn't sleep.
Tuesday morning, I laid in bed, being stubborn - I wasn't going to get up until Joe called me.
Finally, at about 8:20am, I forced myself out of bed, not wanting to be completely late to work. As I got up, I noticed my phone's indicator was showing a missed call.
What?!
I checked my phone. A missed call from "unavailable" at 7:38am.
How?! I was in bed, right next to my phone, waiting for a call. How could I possibly have missed it?
Stupid bad cell signal. Obviously my phone didn't even ring, because I surely would have heard it. The volume was all the way up to level 5.
I jumped on the computer to see if Joe was on Skype. No dice.
In a last ditch effort, I went to Myspace. Fortunately, he left me a comment there. His internet has been down for days.
So I've been seriously worried because of an internet outage?! Grrr... Doesn't the army understand what this does to families back home?
It was now almost 8:45am. I have to be at work no later than 9:30am.
Slow, tired shower. Back and neck hurt. Lightning fast getting dressed. Grab keys, fly out the door, hop in the car, walk in at 9:28am.
Immediately irritated. I didn't get any sleep. I've been really stressed out worrying about Joe, and now I can really feel it. I'm on a short fuse. Our consultant is out all week, which means the blind are leading the blind. I hate that. My coworker is strangely chipper, and it's pissing me off. He must have gotten his good news today about the job.
Oh right. The job.
Sigh.
In my worry about Joe, I had almost forgotten.
So I'm tired, irritable, frustrated about the job situation, and besides that, I just plain don't want to be here.
I think when a soldier is sent away for deployment, the government should compensate the family somehow. They should pay me to stay home, at least part time, so I can suffer in silence and not be a burden on the people around me. Maybe then I could catch up on my house work.
How in the hell do women with children do this, while their husbands are overseas?
I'm angry at everyone and everything today.
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