The Littlest Janitor

At work, our offices are cleaned by a local family that runs their own custodial business. It's a husband and wife, and they bring their small children with them. They take turns -- one of them watches the children while the other does the work.

Tonight, I was sitting at my desk at nearly 11:00pm when I heard a small voice behind me, attempting to speak over my loud music. I turned around to see this tiny little girl standing in my doorway next to a big garbage can on wheels that was practically bigger than she is. She couldn't have been more than 5 years old. I had to fumble with iTunes to turn off the inappropriate M.I.A. I had been listening to.

"Excuse me, may I please empty your garbages?"

I just blinked for a second. I couldn't believe this little girl was pushing around this giant trash bin, and being so very professional about it. I think she was more articulate than some of my adult coworkers.

"Sure you can."

She came in quickly and quietly, wrapped both arms around my little waste basket, carried it to her bigger garbage can, lifted it over her head to empty it out, then placed it neatly back under my desk.

"Thank you," I said.

"You're welcome." With both hands and the weight of her entire body she pushed the big bin toward the next office.

For a brief moment I thought, what's going here? Is it right that this little girl is doing hard labor in my office? Then I heard her father's voice in the hallway.

"Did you get them all?" he asked.

"Yes," she replied confidently in her tiny tone.

"Let's check."

They walked into each office, and looked at each garbage can together. The father was carrying his newborn baby, who let out several fussy squeals. He tended to the baby while still conversing with the girl, confirming that all the waste had been properly disposed of.

"You did such a good job," he proclaimed. "I'm proud of you! I'm going to have to give you a pay raise! TWO kisses instead of one for each garbage can." And he proceeded to hug her and give her two kisses on the cheek for each garbage can she had emptied. She giggled loudly. It was the cutest thing.

It turns out, the little girl had volunteered to empty all the garbage cans. She wanted to help out, so her father gave her a task, and she completed it like a pro. I was so impressed with the way he spoke to her and reasoned with her like an adult yet still gave her the encouragement and affection she needs as a little girl.

I felt a renewed desire to have a family of my own.

I Will Always

In no particular order...

I will always look up at the stars and be amazed.
I will always put my feet in the ocean, no matter how cold the water is.
I will always sing out loud.
I will always enjoy the sun on my face.
I will always think and analyze too much, too long, too... everything.
I will always get floor tickets to concerts, even though it hurts my back.
I will always be drawn to boys who smell good.
I will always ask questions.
I will always hear music in my head.
I will always doubt myself in some way.
I will always feel a sense of responsibility.
I will always wish for things I cannot have.
I will always regret my own bad timing.
I will always love my closest friends as if they were family.
I will always sleep in, whenever possible.
I will always be an outsider.
I will always need to talk... a lot.
I will always keep certain things to myself.
I will always love and respect the natural world.
I will always wonder why.
I will always appreciate the simple things.
I will always eat food that's bad for me.
I will always need to escape from time to time.
I will always feel renewed by a caring touch.
I will always want someone to hold me at night.
I will always be a nerd.
I will always get excited about gray rainy weather.
I will always have a feline companion.
I will always laugh, even when I hurt inside.
I will always expect more out of myself than anyone else does.
I will always watch the same movies over and over again.
I will always search.
I will always be 12 years old inside.
I will always push myself too hard instead of asking for help.
I will always love the place where I grew up more than anywhere else.
I will always respect others, even the ones who make it extra challenging.
I will always be difficult to get to know well.
I will always wish I was a superhero with special ass-kicking powers.
I will always believe magick is real. Because it is!
I will always run and play.
I will always struggle.
I will always be influenced and changed by the people around me, yet I will always remain true to myself.
I will always wonder what I'm doing here, and what this is all about.
I will always wish for someone to take care of me, yet I will always take care of myself and frequently turn down offers of assistance.
I will always appreciate the lessons I've learned, even those that are painful.
I will always try.

Alone

I think the universe wanted me to be alone last night.

The "happy birthday" greetings stopped rolling in by about 3pm.

All of my friends had other plans for the evening.

I had no photo ID, so I couldn't go out.

Nobody called, nobody texted.

My fucking computer wouldn't start up, so I couldn't even get online. No Blogger, MySpace, WoW, email, or instant messenger.

Nothing.

I can't remember the last time I felt so alone.

All of this came after I'd heard from my 2 childhood best friends and 3 out of my 4 ex-boyfriends during the day. The two best friends are off pursuing their dreams -- one is in grad school in NYC, and the other has her own band in Atlanta. Two of the three ex's are happily married, and the third has been in a relationship for over a year. The fourth whom I didn't hear from is away on his honeymoon right now.

And guess who didn't call, text, or email?

That's right. The pharmacist. Gotta love that guy.

It puts things into perspective, especially when you're already feeling lonely. The thoughts of "what the fuck have I done with my life lately?" begin to set in, and it all spirals wildly downhill from there.

I started to get really depressed. The last thing I wanted on my birthday was to be alone for the entire evening. In fact, what I really wanted most of all was to have a companion hold me at night. But of course, my most recent chance at that didn't work out. Stupid pharmacist.

So I lit some candles, said my nightly prayer to the universe, curled up on the couch with a fuzzy blanket and two purring cats, and watched Donnie Darko by myself. Then I cried. Then I wondered why this was the plan for me tonight. Why couldn't my plan be with other people? Or better yet, with that one special person?

After much pondering and staring into the candle light, I decided if this is how it's meant to be, then I have to accept it. There must be some reason why, there must be a lesson I need to learn here.

So mote it be.

As I climbed into bed for the night, I told myself, tomorrow is a new day with new opportunities. I'm supposed to go out with my coworkers for drinks, so maybe I'll meet somebody new, or at the very least, have a lot of good laughs.





Welcome to Scorpio, people.





p.s. Never, ever in my life have I worried about looking fat. Not once. But I swear to the gods, my new driver's license photo makes me look fat. Seriously! And I have to live with it for the next 8 years.

Lame.

It's My Birthday...

... and that means my driver's license expires today. The state of Oregon now requires a birth certificate and social security card in order to renew. Something about preventing illegal immigrants from obtaining driver's licenses.

I looked EVERYWHERE, but I could not find my birth certificate. I found absolutely everything else, including the title to my car, my SAT scores, and the scores from my original driving exam.

I ordered a new birth certificate but didn't expect it to arrive in time. I went to the DMV early this morning and got a temporary license, which does not come with a photo, so I can't use it as ID. This made me very sad because I have plans to go out later this week, but I can't go anyplace where they'll card me because I have no photo ID!

After I got to work, I got a phone call from UPS saying that my new birth certificate will be delivered today! I got all excited about getting my license right away until I found out that the DMV no longer hands out licenses on the day you apply for them. Whether I renewed it before the expiration date or not, they would still issue me a temporary license, and I would have to wait for my new license to arrive in the mail. So no matter what, I will still go for several days without photo ID.

How stupid is this?

First of all, I found out that ANYONE can obtain my birth certificate because it's considered public record. When I filled out the form to get a copy from the state, I was not asked to identify myself in any way. All I have to do is provide enough information about the person on the certificate so they can look it up. So how reliable is this as a secure form of identification?

Secondly, isn't it more expensive and less secure to put my new driver's license in the mail, rather than just handing it to me in person? Now they have to pay someone to stuff envelopes, pay the cost of shipping, and someone could easily steal it out of the mail. And what are people supposed to do if their driver's license is their only form of photo ID? Everyone in the state will have to go for several days without ID because Oregon takes away your old license and makes you wait for the mail to get your new one.

It doesn't make much sense to me. I understand that they want to keep illegals from getting a license, but this is just stupid. Too much bloated government regulation. I miss the old days where you walked in, filled out the form, took your photo, and they handed you a license on your way out the door.

Anxiety

My panic attack at the casino has made me realize exactly how much anxiety I've been experiencing in the last couple of months. I haven't wanted to acknowledge it as a long term problem. I keep thinking it's just stress, and it will pass when my stress level is reduced. But in reality, this has been ongoing for quite a while now, particularly at work, and it's had more of a negative impact on my performance than I'd like to admit. Maybe it also has something to do with my freaking out about things with the pharmacist.

I've been considering going back on medication. I really don't want to, because it's a long term commitment and a slippery slope. Last time I was on meds, my doctor had me on a veritable pill buffet - multiple antidepressants plus generic ritalin. It was horrible. I don't want that again.

I feel upset with myself for not being more in control. I haven't had to take medication for about 4 years. It's been a pretty decent run, up until the last few months when things have become extra stressful, with work and boys and family. I feel so overwhelmed. On some days I just sit at my desk with a racing heart and a knot in the pit of my stomach, and I don't know what to do or how to make it better.

So I don't know... I still haven't decided on the best course of action. I just know that something needs to change because I can't keep this up much longer.

Flashback

Last night's casino trip was terrible.

I pulled into the parking lot, and guess who's car was sitting right there in the spot diagonally across from mine?

The pharmacist's.

Goddammit, I thought to myself. Then I had a small anxiety attack. What if I see him? (I already know I will.) What if he looks at me? What if he tries to talk to me? What if I get the urge to talk to him? What if...

Ok, just calm down. Breathe. Bathroom first, then blackjack table.

As I approach the tables, I look to see where the pharmacist is -- sitting on first base at the single deck table, exactly where I expected him to be. I look to see where the $5 and $10 tables are. Both tables are directly across the pit from the pharmacist, which means no matter where I sit, we'll be able to see each other. Damn it all.

$5 table is full, so I pick a seat at first base at the $10 table. My back is just barely to the pharmacist, but I can still see him out of the corner of my eye. Don't know if he's seen me, hopefully not.

As I sat there watching the cards being dealt, I tried very, very hard to focus on what I was doing and pretend that it's just like any other night at the casino. But I failed so miserably. The anxiety totally controlled me. I got cold, I broke into a sweat, my body trembled, my heart raced, my head flooded with thoughts.

I had to leave the table.

I went and sat in the lobby for a while. Saw a guy I know from the university where I used to work. Stared at the big coyote banners and the photographs of the tribal council members. I sipped some water. With a poker chip burning a hole in my pocket, eventually I worked up enough courage to go back to the tables and try again.

Ok, just calm down. Breathe. Bathroom first, then blackjack table.

As I approached the tables a second time, I noticed another $5 table I hadn't see before, on a different pit than the others. That's perfect, I thought. We won't be able to see each other at all. So I took a seat, but it was quickly apparent that this was a not a good table for me. The cards were awful. The people around me were making bad hits. Everyone was losing. At the shuffle, three younger looking guys sat down and began chatting amongst themselves.

"Just sit and watch for a few hands."

"Why? It's just blackjack. How hard can it be?"

"Do you hit on a 15 or 16?"

Shit, I thought. They have no idea what they're doing. That means more bad hits, and more losing hands for everybody at this table.

So I colored up and left. Went back to the first $5 table, where there was now a seat open... but it was directly across the pit from the single deck table, where the pharmacist was still camped out.

I sat down quickly, and found that if I shifted my body into just the right position, the dealer's head completely blocked my view of the pharmacist. For about 10 minutes, things were good. I focused in, I didn't lose money, I even started to have fun. But then our dealer's shift was over. He stood up to trade places with the new dealer, and I caught a full view of the pharmacist. I looked away immediately. Anxiety set in again. Then I could see him looking at me. Heart racing, body shaking. Is he still looking? I can't look up.

The new dealer sat down. She was short. I could see the pharmacist over her head. And he kept looking. Maybe he was trying to make eye contact, but I wasn't going to let it happen.

Look down. Look at the cards.

Not only was the new dealer short, but she was a noob. She was having trouble counting to 21. That's a problem at a blackjack table. Between catching side glimpses of the pharmacist looking in my direction, and having to count the dealer's cards for her (um... that's 14, not 15), the anxiety mounted into a full panic attack. I lost my money very quickly.

Barely able to walk straight without shaking uncontrollably, I made my way back to the lobby, where I crashed into a worn chair, slumped down, and spent almost an hour trying to talk myself out of a panic.

So cold right now. I wish I could stop shaking. Just calm down. Stop thinking about it. Oh shit, someone's coming near me - is it him? What if he walked up right now? Shit. Stop thinking about it. Focus on the coyote banners. You're going to be fine. I can't drive like this. I can't even see straight right now. What am I going to do? What the fuck is wrong with me? Why is this happening?

Then it hit me.

I was having a flashback.

Suddenly memories and emotions drenched my entire body as I recalled what happened to me more than 10 years ago. I spent so much time dealing with this issue, trying to overcome it, trying to trust people in spite of it. I thought I had been successful, but obviously it still haunts me in some way, because here I am, sitting in the lobby of the casino, completely unable to move except for the shaking of my body.

When I was in college, I was in an abusive relationship. Just verbally and emotionally abusive at first. When it turned physically abusive, I called the police immediately. He was arrested. The school intervened. We weren't allowed to be near each other, which was pretty tough because we had the same major, had similar schedules, were in several of the same classes. It got worse when the county decided to press charges against him. I would see him from across the courtyard, and he would scream at me, call me names, threaten me, in front of anyone and everyone who happened to be passing by. I was terrified of crossing paths with him at night. I was terrified of going anywhere alone. Eventually I got so scared that I just stopped going to class. I stopped eating. I stopped everything. I just stayed in bed all day, for weeks and weeks.

This is what started all the physical problems I have now. My bad digestion, my back problems. My little anxiety attacks. I can trace it all back to this series of events in college. His abuse completely broke me down, in every way possible.

So why is this coming up now, that I'm sitting here at the casino?

My ex in college used to find the chink in my armor and pick at it until it was a bloody wound. Just like the pharmacist did in that nasty email exchange.

My ex used to tell me that I was mentally ill, that I need to have my head examined, that I had no common sense. Just like the pharmacist did.

My ex would go through extreme changes in behavior and mood. He would adore me one minute, then ignore me the next, and react meanly when I asked him why. Just like the pharmacist.

Shit, how did I not see these similarities before?

But the pharmacist is not an abuser. He would never hurt someone physically, and I don't even think he's even aware of how he hurt me emotionally. He's really just kind of oblivious to other people's emotions, which doesn't make him mean or aggressive like my ex was, it just makes him an idiot.

Nonetheless, I had a similar emotional response to his treatment. He said something in his email that triggered a panic in me. When I have that kind of response, I can't control it. I become irrationally afraid. I need to back out. But when I tried, he kept picking. My ex used to do the same thing, until I was so backed into a corner that I just couldn't function anymore. The pharmacist doesn't know it, but he shut me down.

And afterwards, the idea of seeing him somewhere makes me feel all the same fear and anxiety I used to get when I'd see my ex. I never knew what he was going to do. Would he just pass by me without looking at me or saying anything? Or would he scream at me? Call me names? Grab me? Or worse... would he approach me and try to talk? Try to talk me out of being angry at him? Try to tell me I don't know what really happened, that I'm just confused, that I'm mentally ill?

This is what happened to me at the casino last night. Old fears that haven't been a problem for me in a long time decided to come out and play. The thought of seeing the pharmacist brought up a shit storm of panic and confusion.

As soon as I realized what was happening to me, I realized that I had to deal with it right then and there. I couldn't let it control me, the way I'd let my ex control me, all those years ago. Because in reality, the pharmacist is not my ex. He's not anything like my ex. Yeah, he said some similar things because he's an asshole. But he's not controlling, he's not aggressive, and he doesn't give a shit where I am right now. He's not trying to keep me away from certain places like my ex used to do. He's not getting angry because he can see me. He's just sitting there, minding his own business. He's made no attempt to talk to me. The only thing that's still weird is that our cars are parked right next to each other, and I really don't want to see him in the parking lot. But what are the chances of that happening? And even if it does, so what? He doesn't control me, I control myself. I don't have to talk to him, or even look at him.

By now, I had a handle on things. I still had some anxiety, but the worst of the panic was over. I just needed to decide what to do.

I had $20 left, but decided it wasn't worth it to limp into another game. It was almost 1:00am. I was tired.

Ok, just calm down. Breathe. Bathroom first, then parking lot. And hope to hell that the pharmacist doesn't decide to leave at the same time.

It was cold and foggy outside. I walked as quickly as I could to my car. His was still sitting there, all fogged up. I got in my car, cranked up the defroster, turned up the music, put my jacket and gloves on, then took a few minutes to right myself while the car was warming up.

Then I left.

No more panic, just drive home, and try to stay awake.

I made it.

All Kinds of Weirdness

Another long, rambly post.

This has been such a strange and complicated week, both personally in terms of dealing with my own confusing thoughts and emotions, and socially in terms of interesting and unexpected interactions with the people around me.

The Weezer concert last Thursday was fucking awesome, but almost completely overshadowed by frustrations with the pharmacist immediately afterward.

There was the awkward break-up, and two nasty email exchanges. I've been all mixed up about it. Even though I'm very angry at the pharmacist for the way he's treated me, I really liked him a lot at one point and was almost ready to upgrade him to full boyfriend status. I can't just switch that off because we had a bad interaction. It bothers me a lot that things came so close to being good, then turned so quickly and drastically bad. I keep trying to understand how and why, but I can't wrap my head around it.

I've had some really interesting nights out with my friend -- she's becoming like my big sister. We cried at a chick flick together, we've counseled each other on our respective boy dilemmas, we've been each other's life line in times of emotional crisis, and last night I was her wingman, helping her get the hook-up with a hot guy we met at the bar. It's weird having a supportive, trustworthy female friend. I haven't had very many in my life.

I heard from both of my long distance friends this week, just out of the blue. And I had a really fun conversation on the phone with the boy, who will be home from training in just over 3 weeks.

Work has been crazy busy, and I've had difficulty being consistently productive. On some days, I'm so distracted and dysfunctional, and on others, I'm focused and driven. Everyone in my department seems to be having similar trouble and consequently we're way behind on our current project. I'm so overwhelmed and stressed out. We will miss our deadline if we don't do something about it, but so far nobody has addressed the problem. We have more work than we can possibly complete in the allotted time frame. This can't go on much longer before the shit hits the fan.

I'm going to the casino by myself tonight. Initially, I planned this night for the pharmacist and I, knowing that he has tomorrow off work. I also planned tomorrow's birthday party for the same reason. I feel strange about my plans for this weekend because I meant for them to involve him, but now we're not speaking to each other.

My friend is letting me have the party at her house so we can play Rockband. The pharmacist and I had designated her house as neutral territory because we both go to parties there. He always comes over for Rockband, and he owns the cowbell that we always play with. (I gotta have more cowbell!) He always brings yo-yos, and we all play with them while we're standing outside during smoke breaks. It'll be weird not having him there this time. It will feel like something is missing.

But at the same time, if he does come, it won't be good. My friend will want to beat him down because of how he treated me, and I won't be able to interact with him unless we talk and he apologizes. I think he's too stubborn to apologize. I'm not even sure if he understands that he hurt me. He's so clueless.

He probably won't show up, and we'll just go on with our drinking and Rockband.

On Saturday, I've got tickets to see Stereolab play in Portland, but by then I will have had a string of late nights and I might be too tired to go. Especially since I'm going by myself. It's hard to get motivated for an hour-long drive each way when you're tired and have no one to keep you company.

I guess I've been feeling lonely in general, even though I've hardly been alone during the last week. I've been out with my friend a lot, and I've been working long hours. But I still have those good memories of the pharmacist holding me at night, and I miss that. Now that I'm talking to the boy on the phone more often, I think about the time I spent with him before he left for training, and I miss that too. I keep getting these little tastes of companionship and then having them snatched away. They're all lessons, and I'm trying to learn as much from them as I can, but honestly, each one leaves me feeling more empty afterwards.

My friend has all kinds of guys popping out of the woodwork right now. Part of me doesn't understand how she can do it, because I have an incredibly hard time getting involved with someone without wanting to focus all my attention on that one person. Another part of me is a bit envious because she has so many options. She can get companionship whenever she wants it. When she wants someone to hold her at night, when she wants sex, when she wants a date to take her out somewhere, all she has to do is pick up the phone and dial the guy of her choice. Of course, it's not the committed long-term companionship that she really wants, but at least she's looking for someone who can give her that eventually.

Sometimes I wish I could go back to not feeling anything. It was so easy to be emotionless and shut everything out. But now that the floodgates are open, I can't close them again. It's still foreign to me, all this emotion, after having been turned off for so long. Maybe that's why everything feels so weird right now -- because I can feel everything, and now I remember what it's like to feel hurt, to feel anger, to feel loneliness.

All I really want is to feel loved. I miss that most of all.

You Don't Know Me At All

I made the mistake of analyzing my recent break-up in the form of an email message to the pharmacist. I already referenced this in a comment on my last post -- it prompted the song lyrics.

Yeah, okay, so I probably should've saved the picking apart and tearing down for my blog where it belongs. But still.

His reply to my email made me extremely angry. Among other things, he outright told me that we're not compatible (duh - that point was never in question), and that I need to stop analyzing it. Hence the song -- "You don't know me at all."

Um, hello?!

Anyone who knows me, and anyone who's ever read this blog knows that I analyze the FUCK out of everything. That's what I do. It's how I process things. It's who I am!

If he hasn't figured that out by now, and if he's not capable of accepting it, then he's absolutely right -- we're not compatible.

It was like a direct and personal attack on my character, on what makes me me. Bashing my music was one thing, but this...

I took my anger and channeled it into my exercise class. My coworkers were chattering and goofing off as usual, but I blocked them out. I was focused and solid. In my head I screamed obscenities while my body shuddered under the pain of being pushed to the limit. I kicked some serious ass. I felt so strong and energetic afterwards.

Then I channeled that energy into my project at work, and I kicked ass at that too. Without coffee, even! I worked until it was dark outside, until my stomach was empty, until I realized I was the only one left in the building.

Before I locked up to go home, I read his email again. This time, instead of feeling hurt and angry, I just laughed at the sheer ridiculousness of it. "Stop analyzing it," he said.

As if!

Wow. You really have no idea who I am. It's a shame, really, but it's your loss, not mine.

Thank you, pharmacist, for making me angry - it was exactly what I needed. Thank you for pointing out the negative qualities I overlooked because I liked you. And lastly, thank you for reassuring me that I made the right decision by putting a stop to it all. You have served your ex-boyfriend duties admirably. Shit, if you had been this straightforward while we were dating, I might not have been so confused the whole time! Ah, but hindsight...

This morning I thought about asking to borrow a pair of Sister Midnite's ass-kicking boots, or Jennicula's tall spikey heels, but at the end of the day, I did just fine in my old beat-up Converse. As it turns out, even flat, worn, rubber soles can be used to squish somebody's face into the pavement.

Whoops! Was that your eye? Bummer.

And now I've got one more credential to add to the list when I'm praying to the universe:

I want a boy who will accept my need to analyze things. Extra bonus points if he'll hang out and listen. Even double if he'll help me talk through it.





Yep, I'm going to be just fine.

So Ends Another Chapter

It's done.

I broke up with the pharmacist last night.

I could go on all day about how it makes me feel, but suffice to say that I am angry, sad, hurt, disappointed, and a bit depressed. I really like him a lot. But I knew it wasn't meant to last, so I just need to accept it for what it is and move on.

I told him we can't be friends either. It would be too hard for me to put my feelings aside. I would always get excited when he calls, or feel let down when he doesn't. I can't go through that. He is still coming to my birthday party next week, because I don't feel right taking away his invitation, but after that I won't see him again.

I will be pulling most of my posts about him, just because I don't want to look at them for a while. I'll keep them tucked away as drafts for later review.

So that's that.

On a related note, the boy has informed me that he will be back in exactly 26 days. I'm half excited and half in denial. I don't want a repeat of what just happened.

It's funny, at one point I prayed to the universe: "I want a boy to hold me at night."

And I got the boy, who was way young and was leaving in days.

So I prayed again: "I want a boy who's my age and isn't leaving right away to hold me at night."

And I got the pharmacist, who just simply isn't ready for any kind of commitment whatsoever, even of the most casual variety.

How specific do I have to make it this time? "I want a boy who's my age, who isn't going anywhere, who's ready for commitment, who likes me and has the potential to love me, who I can love in return, who's willing to fight for me, who will hold me at night, every night, for the rest of our lives."

You think that'll do it?



[sigh]

I feel lonely again.

Too Much

Fuck it.

I'm running.

You can find me lurking in the dungeon with the vampires, where I belong.

The Heart Of The Matter

My last post was necessary -- I needed to vent and organize my thoughts. Now that I've slept on it, I've come to the conclusion that all those little issues are irrelevant without an answer to one big question:

Is it worthwhile to spend the time and effort to fix something that's broken when you know it's not going to last anyway?

Here's the problem. The pharmacist and I are holding back from one another. We're not communicating about issues that need to be worked out. We're not fully opening up. We both have reservations. If I look past all the little surface problems down to the core of the matter, I think it comes down to two things:

1.) We've both been hurt and damaged by previous long-term relationships that went horribly wrong, and consequently we're both hesitant. (Jennicula hit the nail on the head.)

2.) We both know he's moving away next spring, so we're both avoiding attachment and investment.

Knowing these two things, how on earth do we proceed? Is there really any point in working through the hesitancy caused by past hurt when the relationship is destined to end when he moves away? Or should I hold on to the possibility that if we are successful together, he might not move away? That seems like a dangerous thing to hope for.

I've decided that I do want to talk to him about this, but I'm still not sure of the best way to bring it up. I don't want him to feel like I'm attacking him with this big overwhelming relationship discussion, even though that's pretty much what it is. But if I don't talk about it, I'm either going to bottle up and start stacking the bricks, or run away and completely hide.

At the very least, the relationship I've built with the pharmacist up to this point must be worth at least a discussion, right? Maybe he can help me decide whether it's worth more than that. I'd like to think it is, but it takes two people to have courage in order for that to work. Right now, I'm feeling pretty yellow.

... Time to go to exercise class. Maybe some good endorphins will give me a new perspective.

In Circles

I'm over-analyzing again.

Yes, this is a really long post.

I have a friend who has major trust issues with guys and always wants to run away, even when the situation is not negative. It's hard for her understand or accept that a guy could genuinely like her and want to spend time with her without some ulterior motive. Even when everything the guy has said or done indicates that he's nice and trustworthy, she still comes up with all kinds of reasons why he's not, why he can't possibly like her, and why she should remove herself from the situation immediately. This is especially true if she has sex with the guy -- when that happens, she just shuts herself off and never wants to see him again.

Her counselor told her that in order to overcome her fear and distrust, she sometimes needs to force herself to remain in a situation that is outside her comfort zone. Examine the evidence at hand. Look at all the negative things you've worked out in your brain, and then look at your interactions with this person. Do they meet up? No? Can you find any reason at all to think the way you do, based on how this guy has acted or treated you? No? Then you need to stick around and see it through, even though it freaks you out. When the guy provides tangible evidence of something negative, then obviously, you need to deal with it accordingly. But don't run away screaming prematurely.

Since I've talked about this with my friend, I've thought about it a lot with regard to my own relationships. I tend to think and behave very similarly to my friend. We've bonded quite a bit over this, because we understand each other on that level. Whenever she wants to run away from a guy, I'm her lifeline, and vice versa. We talk about it and lay out the facts together.

I'm weighing out all kinds of things right now. A big part of me really strongly wants to bail, run away, and hide out by myself. If I examine the evidence, does it match up with the images I've created in my own head? I'm not sure anymore. Maybe I've worked myself into so many circles that I can't think straight.

I have several fears.

I don't want to settle into a relationship of convenience just because it's easy and comfortable. In my last long-term relationship, I lived with someone for several years. So did the pharmacist. Now it seems we both want to settle into those old comfortable patterns even though our relationship is new. At least, that's my fear. Is there evidence to back that up? Yes and no.

One of the things that bothers me, and this is actually somewhat contradictory, is that the pharmacist really isn't very good at integrating me into his life. His work schedule is different than mine, and that complicates things, but I've always been willing to make time for him even if it means that I don't get enough sleep some nights, or I lose some of my "me time" because I spend it with him. He has a much harder time doing that. His routine is so set. We end up not seeing each other for several days in a row, and then when we do get together, we spend *all* of our time together. (That's when the old comfort patterns start to show up.)

So I guess it's just not very balanced? I need something more consistent. Whether it's consistently little, or consistently a lot... it's hard for me to not see him all week, and then spend an entire weekend with him. I don't like to swing back and forth like that.

Another issue is that he's a huge scatter brain who can't maintain focus on one thing for very long. When I hang out at his house, he is constantly doing at least three things at once. He talks to me while he's buzzing around, but it's like I'm part of the scenery. He's not really *with* me. I'm one more distraction among many -- I'm not the focus. I'm not saying that I need to be the focus all the time. I actually don't mind just hanging out while he does his thing, but once in a while I need a check-in for reassurance. Come and sit down next to me for a few minutes. Give me a hug. Ask me how I'm doing. Anything small or brief just to let me know that I'm still on your mind and it hasn't escaped your attention that I'm sitting here doing nothing by myself. Sometimes he leaves me feeling lonely, even when he's physically right there in the same room. It makes me wonder what I'm doing there.

The amazing thing is, if he notices that I'm unhappy, or if I tell him directly that I need something, he takes note, and he really does try to improve. I've never known anyone quite so accommodating in this way, and I think it's one of the sweetest, most generous qualities he has. But he has to be paying attention in order for that to happen, and sometimes it's a challenge to get him to focus.

Then there's the whole comfort zone issue, for both of us.

This weekend, I went shooting with him. I had never fired a gun before (besides my step-brother's BB gun when I was a kid). It was really scary for me, but I did it anyway. I actually had fun firing the guns, but again felt like I was part of the scenery with him -- he was so distracted with his toys and his buddy who went with us.

I asked him to go to a concert with me this week. At first, he said he couldn't go because he had to work. But I think he got his schedule mixed up, because today he said he has that day off. I said, well if you've got that day off, why don't you go to the concert with me? I'd really like it if you did. He totally dragged his feet and said he's not sure if wants to go because he doesn't know if he'll like it the band.

So I've gone way, way out of my comfort zone for him, but he's not willing to go outside his for me. What the hell?

There was the sex comfort zone issue too. Somehow we ended up talking about it, and he told me he didn't want to go all the way with me. Then after about a week of gradually getting closer and closer, we finally went there, on his initiative, not mine. I guess he's trying to do what he thinks I want, which has its merit, but... um... Confusing much?

I've noticed that he will initially say "no" when something makes him uncomfortable, then he'll go away and think about it for a while, and find some way to rationalize it to himself to make it okay. Then he'll come back and try to be accommodating. While I appreciate his effort here, the process that he goes through is very foreign to me. I guess in a way I do the same thing, but I'll never say "no" to anything so quickly as he does. I'll say that I'm not sure and I need to think about it. He'll say "no" very quickly and definitively, almost defensively if it's a touchy subject for him, and then in the end he'll do it anyway, without ever telling me that he thought about it and changed his mind.

On top of everything else, we're both still holding ourselves back from each other emotionally. Is it just because we both know he's moving away next spring? Or is it something more than that?

For me, it's mainly because he's moving and also because I don't really know where we stand. I mean really, all the gripes I listed above are not insurmountable problems that can't be fixed. If I knew he was going to be here, and I knew that we were both on board with trying to have a serious relationship, I would most definitely talk to him about these things, let him know how it makes me feel, ask him how he feels, and hopefully reach some sort of happy medium that we can both agree on. But when I don't know what we are or where we're going, and when I know he's leaving the state in several months, I have to ask myself... is it really worth it to put in the effort to sort these issues out when there's no long term commitment?

But then I put myself at risk for the opposite, which is where we don't talk about it, we don't sort it out, and I feel like I've settled for something less than ideal because I'm too lazy or too afraid to make it right.

So if I can't settle, and I can't address the issues, then... why am I in this situation to begin with?

And this is where I start to think about running away. Because maybe it's easier to bail out now before somebody really gets hurt.

Then I go back to my conversations with my friend, and the advice from her counselor. What if I really need to force myself to stay outside my comfort zone and just deal with it, because it will help me grow, even if this particular relationship doesn't work out in the end?

But how do I know it won't work out? What if there's a chance we could fall in love? Then am I short-changing myself by not trying to work through this with him? In that case, I really should stay instead of running away.

On the other hand, if he thought we would be together in the long term sense, he wouldn't still be talking about moving, he wouldn't still be making life plans where there's no possibility of me fitting into his big picture. Would he?

I suppose he doesn't know where we're going any more than I do. But then what does he think about these little issues? I know he's not oblivious to them. Is he also trying to figure out whether to address the issues and work them out, or let them slide because there's no point if we're not long term? Or maybe he's managed to achieve what I have so far failed at -- accepting it for what it is and taking it one day at a time.

I'd like to know where he stands, but that would involve talking to him about this, which would involve putting forth the time and effort to hash it out, and I still don't know if it's worth it, given the fact that we're probably not long term. Not only that, but I don't even know where to begin trying to bring this up with him. He'll probably want to run away.

Can't say I blame him. I want to run away too.

But at the same time, I don't, because I really do like him a lot.

Damn it all, I think Jennicula was right.

... and the cycle of over-analysis continues.