What if it's getting worse?
What if I don't want it to get better?
Maybe I want it to take me down.
What if I care more than I said I did?
What if I don't care at all?
Selfish and selfless in one jumbled mess.
What if I love my self?
What if I hate my life?
I still can't change anything.
What if I feel guilty about living?
What if I feel too guilty to leave it all behind?
It's an obligation, not a choice.
What if I'm scared?
What if I'm strong?
I can't cope with either one.
What if you didn't love me?
What if I do love you?
There's no point.
What if you could see the truth?
What if I was capable of a real lie?
Sure fooled you.
What if the famous weren't glorified?
What if the glorified weren't even really famous?
We all wish for more.
What if I deserve more than this?
What if I only deserve someone as fucked up as I am?
Let me be.
What if I keep myself down?
What if I could ask for help?
I want to believe you, I really do.
What if you held me in your arms and kept me safe?
What if you pushed me down and walked away?
I'm so tired of this dance.
What if I only crave darkness and solitude?
What if I need to belong?
Always trapped by convention.
What if you found out who I really am?
What if I only told you what you wanted to hear?
You think it's so clear what's going on here.
What if you actually cared about me?
What if I stopped caring about you?
It's all an illusion anyway.
What if I'm too broken and exhausted?
What if you're part of the problem?
Heaven Help Us.
You have no idea.
What if?
So what.
What nothing.
Nobody knows, nobody understands, nobody cares.
Not any of us.
Monday, January 28, 2008
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Morning Daydream
I love a wet, foggy winter morning. The air is full of cool mist and there's a drop of dew on every blade of grass. It reminds me of home.
Sometimes the fog is so thick that I can't see beyond the edge of my back yard. There is only an opaque vastness. I almost forget where I am.
I like to imagine that there's a forest in the distance. I will wander into it and lose myself, walking on soft needle padded trails through the fir scented darkness. I hear the gentle swaying of tree branches and the delicate patter of rain. I emerge onto a beach with a wide gray sky and salty gray-green waters gently lapping at the shore. Across the channel I can see hazy blue peaks tipped with snow. Searching the damp sandy ground, I find a spiney purple urchin, a flat fuzzy sand dollar, a smooth red jasper, a bright clear agate, even a highly coveted piece of deep blue beach glass. If I close my eyes and breathe deeply I can feel the crisp breeze against my cheek and the fresh salty air in my nostrils.
When the fog clears and I see once again beyond my own back yard, I am reminded by the flat river valley below that I am far from home. How I miss the Puget Sound and all the beauty that surrounds it.
Some day I hope to return, to be surrounded by the sea and the forest and the mountains. Until then, I wait each winter morning for the dense fog to provide a blank canvas on which I can create my own vision of the world beyond.
Sometimes the fog is so thick that I can't see beyond the edge of my back yard. There is only an opaque vastness. I almost forget where I am.
I like to imagine that there's a forest in the distance. I will wander into it and lose myself, walking on soft needle padded trails through the fir scented darkness. I hear the gentle swaying of tree branches and the delicate patter of rain. I emerge onto a beach with a wide gray sky and salty gray-green waters gently lapping at the shore. Across the channel I can see hazy blue peaks tipped with snow. Searching the damp sandy ground, I find a spiney purple urchin, a flat fuzzy sand dollar, a smooth red jasper, a bright clear agate, even a highly coveted piece of deep blue beach glass. If I close my eyes and breathe deeply I can feel the crisp breeze against my cheek and the fresh salty air in my nostrils.
When the fog clears and I see once again beyond my own back yard, I am reminded by the flat river valley below that I am far from home. How I miss the Puget Sound and all the beauty that surrounds it.
Some day I hope to return, to be surrounded by the sea and the forest and the mountains. Until then, I wait each winter morning for the dense fog to provide a blank canvas on which I can create my own vision of the world beyond.
Monday, January 21, 2008
Rock Band
On Saturday last weekend, I went skiing and then played Rock Band at my friends' house in Portland. It was a seriously long day! I got up at 4:15 a.m. to go skiing, and didn't get home from Rock Band until 3:00 a.m. I was so exhausted that I barely made it home. The flat, straight, foggy stretch of freeway between Portland and Salem sucks even more than usual when you can hardly keep your eyes open. Thankfully, MCR kept me awake.
I actually remembered to take my camera, and we got some great shots. Here's a bunch of 30-something dorks playing video games...
That's me singing, on the right. I was the master of 100% vocal scores, but only on the medium level, and only on songs I already knew. I totally butchered the songs I didn't know!
Drums seem to be the hardest for everyone, but they're also really fun! The only thing that sucks is there's a control pad right on the face of the drum kit, and if you flail too wildly and hit a button accidentally, it pauses the song and brings up a menu screen. Everyone gets mad when this happens!
I'm really good at bass, but guitar kicks my ass every time! Oddly enough, that's pretty much what I really look like when I'm playing a real bass. Except my real bass is bigger!
Our hosts cooked up some really yummy Hawaiian food for dinner. I had never tasted kalua pork before - it was so damn good! Nate even made pineapple upside-down cake, but it was totally out of a box. That's okay, it tasted good just the same!
Look at me murdering those drums. You'd never know that I actually learned to play drums (a little bit) when I was a kid. Whatever I used to know, it's all gone now!
Our hot vocalist is enchanting all the fangirls.
Grand finale! (What's that lame drummer doing?)
I had a really fun (yet exhausting) time! My rock band is awesome! Almost makes me want to join a real band again...
I actually remembered to take my camera, and we got some great shots. Here's a bunch of 30-something dorks playing video games...
That's me singing, on the right. I was the master of 100% vocal scores, but only on the medium level, and only on songs I already knew. I totally butchered the songs I didn't know!
Drums seem to be the hardest for everyone, but they're also really fun! The only thing that sucks is there's a control pad right on the face of the drum kit, and if you flail too wildly and hit a button accidentally, it pauses the song and brings up a menu screen. Everyone gets mad when this happens!
I'm really good at bass, but guitar kicks my ass every time! Oddly enough, that's pretty much what I really look like when I'm playing a real bass. Except my real bass is bigger!
Our hosts cooked up some really yummy Hawaiian food for dinner. I had never tasted kalua pork before - it was so damn good! Nate even made pineapple upside-down cake, but it was totally out of a box. That's okay, it tasted good just the same!
Look at me murdering those drums. You'd never know that I actually learned to play drums (a little bit) when I was a kid. Whatever I used to know, it's all gone now!
Our hot vocalist is enchanting all the fangirls.
Grand finale! (What's that lame drummer doing?)
I had a really fun (yet exhausting) time! My rock band is awesome! Almost makes me want to join a real band again...
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Spinning room stabilized; Breathing resumed. Turbulence still probable.
I have realized (or perhaps reconfirmed) that I do not share my best friend's feelings of love beyond the scope of friendship. There is no romantic emotion, no chemistry, no magnetic draw of attraction.
I'm actually pretty frustrated about the situation. He was supposed to be my "safe" guy friend, the one I could hang out with and confide in, who would never have romantic or sexual intentions, who would never make me feel trapped by a relationship I don't want or isolated by feelings I don't share. Like an older brother, an honorable protector and confidant. Not a prowler who compels me to guard myself.
I shouldn't talk about him like that. He is no prowler, and he is very honorable. Nonetheless, I do feel the need to guard myself now, and that completely changes our friendship. I didn't want this.
Today he kept asking me if I was more irritable than usual. I really wasn't, but the more he asked me, the more irritable I became. I think perhaps he is feeling more vulnerable with me since he confessed his emotion, and I have possibly been more stern with him due to my own need for self-protection.
I don't want to be in a relationship with him, but over the last few months our friendship has become like one. It's burning me out. I don't want to have "talks" and work through arguments and make compromises. There's a reason why I have chosen to remain single. I'm not up for this bullshit right now. I know he understands that mentally, but I'm not sure if he accepts it emotionally.
I don't know how to talk to him about this. I know it was very difficult for him to share his feelings with me, and I really respect him for caring enough to be honest. At the same time, I don't think I can ever reciprocate his feelings.
Was he expecting me to? Or hoping I would eventually? Does he want to be in a more serious relationship with me? I really don't know. When he talked to me about it, he didn't say anything about what he wants for the future or where he hopes our friendship might go. He said he just wanted me to know the truth.
What I do know for sure is that I'm not interested in any of that with him. I really liked our platonic brother-sister relationship just the way it was before things started getting weird and awkward. But I suppose we can never go back to that.
So the question is, where do we go from here?
I don't want to hurt my best friend. But what if there's no way around it?
I'm actually pretty frustrated about the situation. He was supposed to be my "safe" guy friend, the one I could hang out with and confide in, who would never have romantic or sexual intentions, who would never make me feel trapped by a relationship I don't want or isolated by feelings I don't share. Like an older brother, an honorable protector and confidant. Not a prowler who compels me to guard myself.
I shouldn't talk about him like that. He is no prowler, and he is very honorable. Nonetheless, I do feel the need to guard myself now, and that completely changes our friendship. I didn't want this.
Today he kept asking me if I was more irritable than usual. I really wasn't, but the more he asked me, the more irritable I became. I think perhaps he is feeling more vulnerable with me since he confessed his emotion, and I have possibly been more stern with him due to my own need for self-protection.
I don't want to be in a relationship with him, but over the last few months our friendship has become like one. It's burning me out. I don't want to have "talks" and work through arguments and make compromises. There's a reason why I have chosen to remain single. I'm not up for this bullshit right now. I know he understands that mentally, but I'm not sure if he accepts it emotionally.
I don't know how to talk to him about this. I know it was very difficult for him to share his feelings with me, and I really respect him for caring enough to be honest. At the same time, I don't think I can ever reciprocate his feelings.
Was he expecting me to? Or hoping I would eventually? Does he want to be in a more serious relationship with me? I really don't know. When he talked to me about it, he didn't say anything about what he wants for the future or where he hopes our friendship might go. He said he just wanted me to know the truth.
What I do know for sure is that I'm not interested in any of that with him. I really liked our platonic brother-sister relationship just the way it was before things started getting weird and awkward. But I suppose we can never go back to that.
So the question is, where do we go from here?
I don't want to hurt my best friend. But what if there's no way around it?
Monday, January 14, 2008
It hurts me
Is it age? Or just the normal aches and pains of my already broken body?
I went skiing on Saturday. The snow was especially wet, chunky and sticky, and I became tired very quickly from constantly trying to muscle my way through it.
I was riding along, not very fast, in an area that was almost completely flat, when I caught a chunk, tripped, fell, lost both skies, and tumbled end over end with poles flailing.
Yard sale!
My left upper arm landed on a pole, which hurt pretty bad, but I didn't think much of it at the time because the rest of the fall didn't hurt. Slushy snow makes for a nice soft landing. (Unlike the hard packed ice that gave me a concussion last year!)
However, even a little fall into soft snow can be very jarring to the body. Add to that the sloppy snow conditions, the complete failure of my goggles (and the subsequent hike back to the car to get my other pair), a super early rising time (4:30 a.m.), 2 hours on the road to get to the mountain, and the fact that I didn't eat or drink enough that morning... by the end of the day, I was completely and thoroughly exhausted. The sad thing is, the end of the day was only 12 noon for us. It was such a short trip.
The next day, my back hurt so bad, I had a stiff neck and a headache, and my left arm where I had fallen on the pole was sore, weak, and swollen.
But it was such a tiny fall!
It's been two days now, and my back still really hurts. My left arm is still ridiculously sore. I can't even push open a door with my left hand. I have no muscle strength whatsoever. Sometimes I just can't believe how an activity that seems relatively harmless can cause so much lingering pain.
I have problems with my back anyway (and body in general), so skiing is always a challenge for me. It hurts me every time I go, but I love doing it and I'm not willing to give it up just because my body hurts. My body is going to hurt whether I ski or not. I can either sit at home and do nothing because it hurts too much, or I can go out and live life despite the pain.
My problem is that I tend to forget that a few hours of strenuous physical activity can lead to days or weeks of recovery time. I always think, it's just a few hours, how bad can it be? Only afterwards, when it's too late, do I realize that I'm now stuck with pain and soreness for the next several days.
On some days, I come back from the mountain and I seriously wonder if it's still worth it. Getting up so early and driving 2 hours each way doesn't help. I wish there was a decent ski hill closer to home.
Mostly, I wish my body wasn't in such bad shape. I'm too young for these kinds of problems. I miss the days when I could do anything I wanted to physically, without worrying about how I would feel for the next week afterwards.
I don't know how much longer I can keep skiing. I do love it. I don't want to give it up. But it really takes a heavy toll. I get so tired of being in pain all the time.
But... I'll probably be back on the mountain next weekend, doing it all over again. Maybe I'll even be back here a week from today, writing about how much I hurt because I wasn't smart enough to recognize my own limitations.
I'll probably never learn.
I went skiing on Saturday. The snow was especially wet, chunky and sticky, and I became tired very quickly from constantly trying to muscle my way through it.
I was riding along, not very fast, in an area that was almost completely flat, when I caught a chunk, tripped, fell, lost both skies, and tumbled end over end with poles flailing.
Yard sale!
My left upper arm landed on a pole, which hurt pretty bad, but I didn't think much of it at the time because the rest of the fall didn't hurt. Slushy snow makes for a nice soft landing. (Unlike the hard packed ice that gave me a concussion last year!)
However, even a little fall into soft snow can be very jarring to the body. Add to that the sloppy snow conditions, the complete failure of my goggles (and the subsequent hike back to the car to get my other pair), a super early rising time (4:30 a.m.), 2 hours on the road to get to the mountain, and the fact that I didn't eat or drink enough that morning... by the end of the day, I was completely and thoroughly exhausted. The sad thing is, the end of the day was only 12 noon for us. It was such a short trip.
The next day, my back hurt so bad, I had a stiff neck and a headache, and my left arm where I had fallen on the pole was sore, weak, and swollen.
But it was such a tiny fall!
It's been two days now, and my back still really hurts. My left arm is still ridiculously sore. I can't even push open a door with my left hand. I have no muscle strength whatsoever. Sometimes I just can't believe how an activity that seems relatively harmless can cause so much lingering pain.
I have problems with my back anyway (and body in general), so skiing is always a challenge for me. It hurts me every time I go, but I love doing it and I'm not willing to give it up just because my body hurts. My body is going to hurt whether I ski or not. I can either sit at home and do nothing because it hurts too much, or I can go out and live life despite the pain.
My problem is that I tend to forget that a few hours of strenuous physical activity can lead to days or weeks of recovery time. I always think, it's just a few hours, how bad can it be? Only afterwards, when it's too late, do I realize that I'm now stuck with pain and soreness for the next several days.
On some days, I come back from the mountain and I seriously wonder if it's still worth it. Getting up so early and driving 2 hours each way doesn't help. I wish there was a decent ski hill closer to home.
Mostly, I wish my body wasn't in such bad shape. I'm too young for these kinds of problems. I miss the days when I could do anything I wanted to physically, without worrying about how I would feel for the next week afterwards.
I don't know how much longer I can keep skiing. I do love it. I don't want to give it up. But it really takes a heavy toll. I get so tired of being in pain all the time.
But... I'll probably be back on the mountain next weekend, doing it all over again. Maybe I'll even be back here a week from today, writing about how much I hurt because I wasn't smart enough to recognize my own limitations.
I'll probably never learn.
Friday, January 11, 2008
You be me for a while, and I'll be you
I was in a big public place like a shopping mall. But it seemed to be moving... everytime I looked out the window, the exterior location was different. It was like being on a ferry. A mall on a ferry? (Is this symbolic of the Internet?)
I was wandering around aimlessly, feeling a little lost, when I saw you walking around, smoking a cigarette. Your head was down, staring at the ground as you moved swiftly through the aisles.
I tried to catch up with you, but you were too far ahead and moving too fast. I ended up following you around all over the place, feeling a little bit like a stalker, wishing I could just say hello and then move on.
You made weird turns into strange areas. I couldn't keep up. Eventually you turned around a corner, and I lost you. I stood and thought for a minute, and decided it wasn't meant to be. Maybe I would see you again in another time and place.
I continued my aimless wandering. I was grabbing clothing from the racks and putting it on as I moved along. I had different shoes, a different shirt, some funny sunglasses. When I looked in the mirror, I saw you in the reflection behind me. You were following me!
You grinned like a little kid, and I suddenly realized you had been playing a game with me this entire time. You knew I had been following you, and when I wasn't paying close attention, you turned it around on me. You knew exactly what you were doing.
I felt silly and a little embarrassed.
Then you turned and walked away. Was I supposed to follow you again? I didn't know what to do. I just stood there.
While I was having this dream, "I'll Be You" by The Replacements was playing on the radio. My radio/alarm was going off and I was sleeping right through it (as I often do). I could hear the song like it was part of the dream. I wonder if the song somehow influenced the events in my dream? It wouldn't be the first time that's happened.
I love The Replacements.
I was wandering around aimlessly, feeling a little lost, when I saw you walking around, smoking a cigarette. Your head was down, staring at the ground as you moved swiftly through the aisles.
I tried to catch up with you, but you were too far ahead and moving too fast. I ended up following you around all over the place, feeling a little bit like a stalker, wishing I could just say hello and then move on.
You made weird turns into strange areas. I couldn't keep up. Eventually you turned around a corner, and I lost you. I stood and thought for a minute, and decided it wasn't meant to be. Maybe I would see you again in another time and place.
I continued my aimless wandering. I was grabbing clothing from the racks and putting it on as I moved along. I had different shoes, a different shirt, some funny sunglasses. When I looked in the mirror, I saw you in the reflection behind me. You were following me!
You grinned like a little kid, and I suddenly realized you had been playing a game with me this entire time. You knew I had been following you, and when I wasn't paying close attention, you turned it around on me. You knew exactly what you were doing.
I felt silly and a little embarrassed.
Then you turned and walked away. Was I supposed to follow you again? I didn't know what to do. I just stood there.
While I was having this dream, "I'll Be You" by The Replacements was playing on the radio. My radio/alarm was going off and I was sleeping right through it (as I often do). I could hear the song like it was part of the dream. I wonder if the song somehow influenced the events in my dream? It wouldn't be the first time that's happened.
I love The Replacements.
If it's a temporary lull
Why am I bored right outta my skull?
Man, I'm dressin' sharp and feelin' dull
Lonely, I guess that's where I'm from
If I was from Canada
Then I'd best be called lonesome
And if it's just a game
Then I'll break down just in case
Hurry up, we're runnin' in our last race
Well I could laugh half the way to Tokyo
I dreamt I was Surfer Joe
And what that means, I don't know
A dream too tired to come true
Left a rebel without a clue
And I'm searching for somethin' to do
And if it's just a game
Then we'll hold hands just the same
So what, we're bleeding but we ain't cut
And I could purge my soul perhaps
For the imminent collapse
Oh yeah, I'll tell you what we could do
You be me for a while
I'll be you
Oh yeah
A dream too tired to get to
Left a rebel without a clue
Won't you tell me what I should do?
Oh, if it's just a lull
Why am I bored right outta my skull?
Oh yeah, keep me from feeling so dull
But if it's just a game
Then we'll break down just in case
Then again, I'll tell you what we could do
You be me for a while
You be me for a while
And I'll be you, hey
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Look out! I think the room might be spinning!
Oh wow.
My best friend just told me that he loves me.
The odd thing is, it wasn't a surprise. Somehow I already knew, although I never expected him to verbally acknowledge it. I was not prepared for this.
Is that weird? It wasn't a surprise, but I wasn't prepared for it? I'm not even making sense.
Do I feel the same way about him?
I'm not sure. Lately I've been having a lot of confused feelings about all kinds of things, and I don't know how to sort it all out into something I can grasp and understand.
Even though I can't make heads or tails of it, feeling confused should actually be considered progress. You see, I haven't felt much of anything for the last 2 or 3 years. Somewhere along the way after being emotionally beaten down a few too many times, I completely turned off and stopped feeling any warmth or connection at all. Even with the guy I shared a residence with for 2 years. Nothing.
In the last few months, my emotions have slowly been coming back to me, and I really haven't been dealing with it well. I've had all kinds of confused feelings about people and situations in my life recently. I don't know what any of it means. I don't know what to do with it. I don't know where to go from here. Is it possible to forget how to feel?
Maybe I did forget. Maybe I have to learn this all over again now.
I don't know what to do about my best friend. I do love him, but I'm not sure if I love him. I don't think we could be in a relationship together. Unless we could? I don't know. What about attraction? I don't really think of him in that way. Am I going to start thinking about it now that he voiced his feelings? Will things be different between us now? What if I already have feelings for someone else? A whole different set of confusion I haven't worked out yet.
Shit.
I'm so confused. Obviously I have a lot of thinking to do.
When it rains, it dumps big sopping buckets of water right over my head, and then smacks me with the empty bucket afterwards. It rings in my ear like a warped dissonant bell, so loudly that I can't hear my own thoughts.
I'm sorry, what were you saying...?
My best friend just told me that he loves me.
The odd thing is, it wasn't a surprise. Somehow I already knew, although I never expected him to verbally acknowledge it. I was not prepared for this.
Is that weird? It wasn't a surprise, but I wasn't prepared for it? I'm not even making sense.
Do I feel the same way about him?
I'm not sure. Lately I've been having a lot of confused feelings about all kinds of things, and I don't know how to sort it all out into something I can grasp and understand.
Even though I can't make heads or tails of it, feeling confused should actually be considered progress. You see, I haven't felt much of anything for the last 2 or 3 years. Somewhere along the way after being emotionally beaten down a few too many times, I completely turned off and stopped feeling any warmth or connection at all. Even with the guy I shared a residence with for 2 years. Nothing.
In the last few months, my emotions have slowly been coming back to me, and I really haven't been dealing with it well. I've had all kinds of confused feelings about people and situations in my life recently. I don't know what any of it means. I don't know what to do with it. I don't know where to go from here. Is it possible to forget how to feel?
Maybe I did forget. Maybe I have to learn this all over again now.
I don't know what to do about my best friend. I do love him, but I'm not sure if I love him. I don't think we could be in a relationship together. Unless we could? I don't know. What about attraction? I don't really think of him in that way. Am I going to start thinking about it now that he voiced his feelings? Will things be different between us now? What if I already have feelings for someone else? A whole different set of confusion I haven't worked out yet.
Shit.
I'm so confused. Obviously I have a lot of thinking to do.
When it rains, it dumps big sopping buckets of water right over my head, and then smacks me with the empty bucket afterwards. It rings in my ear like a warped dissonant bell, so loudly that I can't hear my own thoughts.
I'm sorry, what were you saying...?
Monday, January 7, 2008
A Rigorous Exercise in Futility
You know... I was upset. I got treated really badly by people who used to be my friends. And my friends in real life who came to blogger to hang out with me are still being treated badly.
But after seeing and hearing about all the "evidence" the war mongers have come up with, I'm not upset anymore. Now I'm just laughing!
This has become so rediculous that it's hilarious. I feel sorry for you all, wasting so much of your personal time trying to dig up whatever you can find to incriminate a group of people who have done nothing wrong and have no ill intentions whatsoever.
I think it's tragic that the place you're trying so hard to protect is now more divided than ever because you just can't leave well enough alone. The irony is, you will never be able to control who visits Mayo's. It's a public website! Only Mayo can decide who is allowed to lurk in his/her domain. So why waste your time trying to manage the situation? There's nothing you can do!
I have already volunteered to leave Mayo's house, and I haven't been back since I made that declaration. But the news keeps flowing! I sure feel sorry for that poor kid in Pennsylvania. It's too bad you've made yet another false connection.
The fact remains that you are not being played. I have tried so hard to get this through to you, but you will not listen. So I'm done trying. Now I'll just sit back and laugh as you flounder around, trying to be in control of a situation that is completely out of your hands.
I have left Mayo's, but my blog is not going away. My friends aren't going away either. It's a public website, and we are all free to do and say as we please. I have nothing to hide. So go ahead! Do your worst! Read every one of my blogs. Visit my myspace page. You won't find anything different than what I've already told you.
Enjoy wasting your time and energy!
But after seeing and hearing about all the "evidence" the war mongers have come up with, I'm not upset anymore. Now I'm just laughing!
This has become so rediculous that it's hilarious. I feel sorry for you all, wasting so much of your personal time trying to dig up whatever you can find to incriminate a group of people who have done nothing wrong and have no ill intentions whatsoever.
I think it's tragic that the place you're trying so hard to protect is now more divided than ever because you just can't leave well enough alone. The irony is, you will never be able to control who visits Mayo's. It's a public website! Only Mayo can decide who is allowed to lurk in his/her domain. So why waste your time trying to manage the situation? There's nothing you can do!
I have already volunteered to leave Mayo's house, and I haven't been back since I made that declaration. But the news keeps flowing! I sure feel sorry for that poor kid in Pennsylvania. It's too bad you've made yet another false connection.
The fact remains that you are not being played. I have tried so hard to get this through to you, but you will not listen. So I'm done trying. Now I'll just sit back and laugh as you flounder around, trying to be in control of a situation that is completely out of your hands.
I have left Mayo's, but my blog is not going away. My friends aren't going away either. It's a public website, and we are all free to do and say as we please. I have nothing to hide. So go ahead! Do your worst! Read every one of my blogs. Visit my myspace page. You won't find anything different than what I've already told you.
Enjoy wasting your time and energy!
Sunday, January 6, 2008
Fracture
All of this blog nonsense was really the last thing I needed. It couldn't have come at a worse time.
My sister is in a foster home. My mom is having weird and scary health issues. I'm having some health issues of my own. My job is miserable right now. I'm having confused feelings about a friend. And I'm going through a little bout of depression which makes it all the more difficult to deal with everything.
And now I feel like I can't write what's in my heart because so many people are overanalyzing everything I say. Why can't I write about what's happening in my life without you thinking there's something more significant than what's on the surface?
It's bad enough that El Casa de Mayo will now be foreign ground to me, but I also feel as if I've lost my own blog somehow. I don't know what to do now. I needed this place. It was my refuge and my place of solace.
I'm sure it will be once again, after I've regained my confidence. But for now... I've gotta look both ways before crossing the street to make sure I don't get hit by another bus. It seems like they just keep coming.
When will it stop?
And what will be left of me when it finally does?
...
Donnie: Frank, when's this gonna stop?
Frank: You should already know that.
28 days, 6 hours, 42 minutes, and 12 seconds...
My sister is in a foster home. My mom is having weird and scary health issues. I'm having some health issues of my own. My job is miserable right now. I'm having confused feelings about a friend. And I'm going through a little bout of depression which makes it all the more difficult to deal with everything.
And now I feel like I can't write what's in my heart because so many people are overanalyzing everything I say. Why can't I write about what's happening in my life without you thinking there's something more significant than what's on the surface?
It's bad enough that El Casa de Mayo will now be foreign ground to me, but I also feel as if I've lost my own blog somehow. I don't know what to do now. I needed this place. It was my refuge and my place of solace.
I'm sure it will be once again, after I've regained my confidence. But for now... I've gotta look both ways before crossing the street to make sure I don't get hit by another bus. It seems like they just keep coming.
When will it stop?
And what will be left of me when it finally does?
...
Donnie: Frank, when's this gonna stop?
Frank: You should already know that.
28 days, 6 hours, 42 minutes, and 12 seconds...
It's not over 'til it's over?
No... I'm pretty sure it's over now.
I have made the decision to never return to Mayo's house. I am tired of me and my friends being blamed for the end of the world, when in fact, the world is not ending.
Certain people at Mayo's house have a habit of overreacting and blowing things out of proportion. I've seen it happen before (can you say Miracle Whip?). It was frustrating then, and it's absolutely infuriating now.
Yes, I have written some things in my blog that some of you have called into question. But here's the thing... I created this blog specifically so I could write whatever the fuck I felt like writing. Isn't that what a blog is for? I'm sure if we overanalyzed other people's blogs, we could find all sorts of dirty little details. But that doesn't mean we know or understand the person behind the writing, or even the entirety of the writing itself. Don't pretend to know me, or know who or what I'm writing about just because you picked it apart and filled in the blanks with your own interpretation.
Mayo's house is so amazingly full of misconception right now. I can't stand it anymore. I have repeatedly asked people to talk directly to me or to my friends if there are questions or concerns about anything you've seen us say or do. But still, the arguments keep ending up at Mayo's house where they don't belong.
It wasn't me who killed the conversation last night at Mayo's house. It was Kapunua and OPs with their personal flame war. Who wants to stay and hang out for that? I sure don't.
It's not me or my newbie friends who are tearing Mayo's blog apart, it's the regulars who can't stop freaking out long enough to realize that nobody wants to be around for their arguments and their conspricy theories. Most people don't care who Alie is, who UCB is, who blackrose is. Why should they? It really doesn't effect them.
You think my friends aren't who they say they are? Ok, you're entitled to your opinion. But why should that have anything to do with Mayo's blog being taken down? Oh right... IT DOESN'T.
Really, the only person effected by that information is me, since they're my friends. And if they're not who they say they are, then that's something I have to deal with. However, I have known them all for quite some time now, and I'm pretty sure I would know if one of them had intentions on bringing Mayo down. I can assure you, they do not have any such intentions. They're just people, like you and me, who came here because I was here, because they're my friends.
I don't think blackrose or undercoverbrother ever said what they're real names are. So I'm not sure why anyone would think they're lying. How can they be lying when they haven't said anything?
I gave Kapunua some information in private because she asked me directly and I felt I owed her the courteousy of my honesty. I see that she is now publicly divulging that information which I told her in confidence, and claiming that it is not true.
Kapunua honey, you can believe whatever you want, but it's really not fair for you to tell me you'll keep your mouth shut and then go blabbing it to the world. I thought you had more integrity than that. You know I've never had a problem with you personally, and I even defended you when my friends were mean to you. But these latest things you're saying... I don't know where you're coming up with it all, or why any of it matters to you in the first place. Yes, I know... Mayo is special to you. But my friends don't have anything to do with Mayo. I really wish you could accept it for what it is and move on instead of perpetuating these conspiracy theories with your accusations and non-evidence. You've been working so hard to produce a smoking gun that you can't see the forest through the trees anymore. Pull the blinders off and look around you! I think you'll find that nothing is as catastrophic as you think it is.
I'm so tired of defending myself and defending the people I care about. I thought it would be really cool for me to have real life friends who hung out at Mayo's with me. Some other people do, and I've always admired that. But I guess I'm not allowed.
[sigh]
And I thought I was going to make it through the weekend without any more drama.
Just another depressing day in blogland.
At least I had some silly fun with my friends last night. Thanks guys for spending time with me. I really needed that. I love you guys!
I have made the decision to never return to Mayo's house. I am tired of me and my friends being blamed for the end of the world, when in fact, the world is not ending.
Certain people at Mayo's house have a habit of overreacting and blowing things out of proportion. I've seen it happen before (can you say Miracle Whip?). It was frustrating then, and it's absolutely infuriating now.
Yes, I have written some things in my blog that some of you have called into question. But here's the thing... I created this blog specifically so I could write whatever the fuck I felt like writing. Isn't that what a blog is for? I'm sure if we overanalyzed other people's blogs, we could find all sorts of dirty little details. But that doesn't mean we know or understand the person behind the writing, or even the entirety of the writing itself. Don't pretend to know me, or know who or what I'm writing about just because you picked it apart and filled in the blanks with your own interpretation.
Mayo's house is so amazingly full of misconception right now. I can't stand it anymore. I have repeatedly asked people to talk directly to me or to my friends if there are questions or concerns about anything you've seen us say or do. But still, the arguments keep ending up at Mayo's house where they don't belong.
It wasn't me who killed the conversation last night at Mayo's house. It was Kapunua and OPs with their personal flame war. Who wants to stay and hang out for that? I sure don't.
It's not me or my newbie friends who are tearing Mayo's blog apart, it's the regulars who can't stop freaking out long enough to realize that nobody wants to be around for their arguments and their conspricy theories. Most people don't care who Alie is, who UCB is, who blackrose is. Why should they? It really doesn't effect them.
You think my friends aren't who they say they are? Ok, you're entitled to your opinion. But why should that have anything to do with Mayo's blog being taken down? Oh right... IT DOESN'T.
Really, the only person effected by that information is me, since they're my friends. And if they're not who they say they are, then that's something I have to deal with. However, I have known them all for quite some time now, and I'm pretty sure I would know if one of them had intentions on bringing Mayo down. I can assure you, they do not have any such intentions. They're just people, like you and me, who came here because I was here, because they're my friends.
I don't think blackrose or undercoverbrother ever said what they're real names are. So I'm not sure why anyone would think they're lying. How can they be lying when they haven't said anything?
I gave Kapunua some information in private because she asked me directly and I felt I owed her the courteousy of my honesty. I see that she is now publicly divulging that information which I told her in confidence, and claiming that it is not true.
Kapunua honey, you can believe whatever you want, but it's really not fair for you to tell me you'll keep your mouth shut and then go blabbing it to the world. I thought you had more integrity than that. You know I've never had a problem with you personally, and I even defended you when my friends were mean to you. But these latest things you're saying... I don't know where you're coming up with it all, or why any of it matters to you in the first place. Yes, I know... Mayo is special to you. But my friends don't have anything to do with Mayo. I really wish you could accept it for what it is and move on instead of perpetuating these conspiracy theories with your accusations and non-evidence. You've been working so hard to produce a smoking gun that you can't see the forest through the trees anymore. Pull the blinders off and look around you! I think you'll find that nothing is as catastrophic as you think it is.
I'm so tired of defending myself and defending the people I care about. I thought it would be really cool for me to have real life friends who hung out at Mayo's with me. Some other people do, and I've always admired that. But I guess I'm not allowed.
[sigh]
And I thought I was going to make it through the weekend without any more drama.
Just another depressing day in blogland.
At least I had some silly fun with my friends last night. Thanks guys for spending time with me. I really needed that. I love you guys!
Saturday, January 5, 2008
Clash of the Titans
I feel a lot better after getting everything off my chest yesterday. It appears that things are almost back to normal, and I really really hope it stays that way. No more drama!!!
One thing I've learned from all this is that when worlds collide, chaos ensues. I did not know that bringing a couple friends over to blogland would create such a stir.
I see that one more of my friends has created a new blog. I hope that doesn't cause problems. Dude, if you read this... be careful how you talk to people, okay? These are my friends. They have feelings, and they care about what happens here. So do I.
Now... I'm going to try very hard to have a quiet, peaceful, enjoyable weekend with no drama, no chaos, and no hurt feelings.
Would anyone like to join me?
...
One thing I've learned from all this is that when worlds collide, chaos ensues. I did not know that bringing a couple friends over to blogland would create such a stir.
I see that one more of my friends has created a new blog. I hope that doesn't cause problems. Dude, if you read this... be careful how you talk to people, okay? These are my friends. They have feelings, and they care about what happens here. So do I.
Now... I'm going to try very hard to have a quiet, peaceful, enjoyable weekend with no drama, no chaos, and no hurt feelings.
Would anyone like to join me?
...
GEORGE: Ah you have no idea of the magnitude of this thing. If she is allowed to infiltrate this world, then George Costanza as you know him, Ceases to Exist!
You see, right now, I have Relationship George, but there is also Independent George. That's the George you know, the George you grew up with -- Movie George, Coffee shop George, Liar George, Bawdy George.
JERRY: I, I love that George.
GEORGE: Me Too! And he's Dying Jerry! If Relationship George walks through this door, he will Kill Independent George! A George, divided against itself, Cannot Stand!
Friday, January 4, 2008
WTF. Seriously.
Alright, I lied. I said I wasn't going to write about this subject again, but something happened that really pushed my buttons like nothing else. I have lost my fucking cool.
Someone posted the following on Alie's blog:
Ok, look people. You don't have to believe a word I say, and you don't have to believe a word Alie says. You don't have to like either one of us. You can think whatever the fuck you want.
But no matter what you think or believe, or how you feel about me or my friends, it is NEVER okay to post something like the above.
Alie wrote a blog about being depressed because she actually is depressed. And you go and kick her while she's down with bullshit like this? This is seriously low.
Clearly, anonymous, you are just here to cause trouble and fuel the chaos. You have never contributed anything intelligent to the conversation. Nothing you have said has been rooted in any sort of fact or hard evidence.
If there's a real issue you want to debate, then more power to you! Bring it up! Let's talk about it!
But for fuck's sake, don't attack someone personally, especially when they've already expressed that they're having a difficult time in life. You don't know Alie. You don't know what kind of person she is or what she's going through right now.
None of you do.
So pull your heads out of your asses and stop making assumptions. I'm fucking tired of the accusations flying around.
As seen at DM (paraphrasing):
She made a grammatical error on one site and made the same grammatical error on another site. That proves it was her!
What?! You guys really trust an anon who would write something horrible like what I posted above? Over someone you've known since the beginning of Mayo's blog?
And WTF is up with all the talking behind the scenes? Am I so unworthy of your respect that you can't ask me to my face if you have questions or concerns? (Don't answer that anon, I already know your answer.)
So far, Kapunua has been the only person who has concerns who has actually addressed them directly with me. I really appreciate that. But to the rest of you who are so full of gossip, you should all be ashamed of yourselves.
You came to Mayo's and you found friends and a family. A family. A place that was different, where you were accepted, and people cared about each other, and where there were no special cliques or groups.
One big happy family.
What happened to that? Now you turn your backs on someone who has been part of the group this whole time? I don't get it. What did I ever do you?
So I posted a link to SS's website way back in the day when I was still new to the site and didn't know who people were yet. Yeah, I know how to use google.
So I've written some blogs about a friend of mine whose name I won't say. It's my fucking blog, I think I have the right to say anything I please. NO, I am NOT a roleplayer.
So I asked a couple of my friends to join me in a place that I cherished. Yeah, they pissed some people off. I apologized on their behalf, they both apologized, and we've tried to get the situation undercontrol.
So what?
Does that justify comments like the one left for Alie by the anonymous poster? Does it justify you all talking behind my back? Does it justify picking apart everything I or they have ever written?
I'll tell you something. My blog? It's just a blog. It's just a place where I write my thoughts. Nothing more.
Mayo's blog? It was a place where I went to see people I liked. The family. People I respected and trusted.
But I'm starting to see very plainly that you neither respect nor trust me. And you especially don't respect or trust my friends.
That's okay, like I said. You don't have to believe anything I say. You don't have to like me. You don't even have to trust me. But I would appreciate a small ounce of your respect. After all this time, I think I've earned it.
If you've got something to say, say it to my face.
And anonymous, I'm serious. I will happily debate the situation with you if you'd like to bring an intelligent discussion to the table. But I will not stand for my friends being treated this way.
As a disclaimer, I do want to acknowledge those few of you who have been kind and supportive through this mess. Your comments and insight have been so valuable and so appreciated. I'll never forget your kindness.
p.s. You're goddamn right I took someone else's words and posted them on a different blog than where they originated. I've been playing by the rules all this time, and this is where it's gotten me. So now I say Fuck It. At least I said who wrote it, where it came from, and I put my own name on it. That's more than I can say for you, coward.
Someone posted the following on Alie's blog:
Ok, look people. You don't have to believe a word I say, and you don't have to believe a word Alie says. You don't have to like either one of us. You can think whatever the fuck you want.
But no matter what you think or believe, or how you feel about me or my friends, it is NEVER okay to post something like the above.
Alie wrote a blog about being depressed because she actually is depressed. And you go and kick her while she's down with bullshit like this? This is seriously low.
Clearly, anonymous, you are just here to cause trouble and fuel the chaos. You have never contributed anything intelligent to the conversation. Nothing you have said has been rooted in any sort of fact or hard evidence.
If there's a real issue you want to debate, then more power to you! Bring it up! Let's talk about it!
But for fuck's sake, don't attack someone personally, especially when they've already expressed that they're having a difficult time in life. You don't know Alie. You don't know what kind of person she is or what she's going through right now.
None of you do.
So pull your heads out of your asses and stop making assumptions. I'm fucking tired of the accusations flying around.
As seen at DM (paraphrasing):
She made a grammatical error on one site and made the same grammatical error on another site. That proves it was her!
What?! You guys really trust an anon who would write something horrible like what I posted above? Over someone you've known since the beginning of Mayo's blog?
And WTF is up with all the talking behind the scenes? Am I so unworthy of your respect that you can't ask me to my face if you have questions or concerns? (Don't answer that anon, I already know your answer.)
So far, Kapunua has been the only person who has concerns who has actually addressed them directly with me. I really appreciate that. But to the rest of you who are so full of gossip, you should all be ashamed of yourselves.
You came to Mayo's and you found friends and a family. A family. A place that was different, where you were accepted, and people cared about each other, and where there were no special cliques or groups.
One big happy family.
What happened to that? Now you turn your backs on someone who has been part of the group this whole time? I don't get it. What did I ever do you?
So I posted a link to SS's website way back in the day when I was still new to the site and didn't know who people were yet. Yeah, I know how to use google.
So I've written some blogs about a friend of mine whose name I won't say. It's my fucking blog, I think I have the right to say anything I please. NO, I am NOT a roleplayer.
So I asked a couple of my friends to join me in a place that I cherished. Yeah, they pissed some people off. I apologized on their behalf, they both apologized, and we've tried to get the situation undercontrol.
So what?
Does that justify comments like the one left for Alie by the anonymous poster? Does it justify you all talking behind my back? Does it justify picking apart everything I or they have ever written?
I'll tell you something. My blog? It's just a blog. It's just a place where I write my thoughts. Nothing more.
Mayo's blog? It was a place where I went to see people I liked. The family. People I respected and trusted.
But I'm starting to see very plainly that you neither respect nor trust me. And you especially don't respect or trust my friends.
That's okay, like I said. You don't have to believe anything I say. You don't have to like me. You don't even have to trust me. But I would appreciate a small ounce of your respect. After all this time, I think I've earned it.
If you've got something to say, say it to my face.
And anonymous, I'm serious. I will happily debate the situation with you if you'd like to bring an intelligent discussion to the table. But I will not stand for my friends being treated this way.
As a disclaimer, I do want to acknowledge those few of you who have been kind and supportive through this mess. Your comments and insight have been so valuable and so appreciated. I'll never forget your kindness.
p.s. You're goddamn right I took someone else's words and posted them on a different blog than where they originated. I've been playing by the rules all this time, and this is where it's gotten me. So now I say Fuck It. At least I said who wrote it, where it came from, and I put my own name on it. That's more than I can say for you, coward.
A New Day
Hopefully my post yesterday at Mayo's helped clear things up. I am not part of any conspiracy. I'm still a little mystified as to why people thought I was, but... what am I gonna do? I can't change the way people think.
I need to take some time to decide whether I still want to be a part of the family at Mayo's house. Please understand, the whole reason why I was absent from posting for so long is because I was pretty disgusted with the last big round of drama where everyone came down so hard on BC. There is a strong tendency towards overreaction, especially when someone has a "theory" about how someone else in BlogBelieve might have wronged others.
I understand that miscommunication happens and feelings get hurt. I get that, I really do. But at Mayo's house, people take it way beyond reason. I was already tired of observing the drama, and now I'm even more tired of being in the middle of it. I didn't do anything to put myself in this position. I never wanted this attention. It is not welcome.
A few of you trusted me and stood up for me, and I really, really appreciate that. You have no idea how much that means to me.
A few of you lashed out meanly. You heard someone else's empty accusations and you ran with it. That really hurt me a great deal.
I've never ever been accused of something so ludicrous as altering my blog to make it look like I have some connection to Mayonaise. I can't believe anyone would think that. The anonymous posters, I can almost understand. Some of them are jerks anyway. But the people who've known me for months???
I need to take a step back to reflect on these events. I am known for taking an extra long time to process my thoughts and feelings, and this situation won't be any different.
For the record, I will always write what I feel, no matter what people say about it. You can attempt to use it against me if you like, but there's really no point. I am honest to a fault and I have nothing to hide.
This is the last time I will post about this subject except to answer direct questions. If you have them, feel free to ask. Otherwise, I'm going to leave it alone.
It's a new day, and I'm moving forward.
I need to take some time to decide whether I still want to be a part of the family at Mayo's house. Please understand, the whole reason why I was absent from posting for so long is because I was pretty disgusted with the last big round of drama where everyone came down so hard on BC. There is a strong tendency towards overreaction, especially when someone has a "theory" about how someone else in BlogBelieve might have wronged others.
I understand that miscommunication happens and feelings get hurt. I get that, I really do. But at Mayo's house, people take it way beyond reason. I was already tired of observing the drama, and now I'm even more tired of being in the middle of it. I didn't do anything to put myself in this position. I never wanted this attention. It is not welcome.
A few of you trusted me and stood up for me, and I really, really appreciate that. You have no idea how much that means to me.
A few of you lashed out meanly. You heard someone else's empty accusations and you ran with it. That really hurt me a great deal.
I've never ever been accused of something so ludicrous as altering my blog to make it look like I have some connection to Mayonaise. I can't believe anyone would think that. The anonymous posters, I can almost understand. Some of them are jerks anyway. But the people who've known me for months???
I need to take a step back to reflect on these events. I am known for taking an extra long time to process my thoughts and feelings, and this situation won't be any different.
For the record, I will always write what I feel, no matter what people say about it. You can attempt to use it against me if you like, but there's really no point. I am honest to a fault and I have nothing to hide.
This is the last time I will post about this subject except to answer direct questions. If you have them, feel free to ask. Otherwise, I'm going to leave it alone.
It's a new day, and I'm moving forward.
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Anonymous Coward
Alright, let me be clear about one thing.
I don't expect my publicly accessible blog to remain private. Everything I write here, I write with the knowledge that someone else will probably read it. If I didn't want anyone to read it, I wouldn't publish it.
That's not the issue.
The issue is that someone took my words from this blog, and pasted them over on Mayo's blog, without saying where they came from, who wrote them, or what the intention was. Without asking permission. And they did it anonymously!
I mean, what's the point in posting someone else's words anonymously without any explanation behind it? What were you hoping to achieve? If you're trying to make some kind of statement, can't you even put your own name on it? Are you too afraid to let everyone know who you are?
Yes, I am aware that when a blog is public, anyone can do whatever they want with it. I just expect most decent and mature adults NOT to. At Mayo's blog, we have all quoted each other before. But we always give credit to the original author, and the vast majority of us sign in or use some kind of screen name to post.
To make matters worse, when I commented at Mayo's to point out that this anonymous person had quoted me without permission, I was accused of altering my blog to make it look like Mayo's blog was written in relation to mine!
As if! Why would I go to the trouble?
To tell you the truth, I really don't know if Mayo's blog was written in response to mine. It could be a complete coincidence, as I stated plainly in my last entry.
But as far as my own blog is concerned, what you see is what you get. I write whatever pops into my head, and I do it pretty spontaneously. I don't waste time changing my time stamp or editing my blog title to make it appear more relevant to anyone else's blog. I have no need to make it look like I have a connection to Mayonaise. Whether any connection exists or not, it's quite irrelevant.
So for future reference to all who read this:
If you have questions about something I've written, if you want more clarification, or if you just plain don't believe me... then say it to my face. Comment me. Please. I welcome your input. Ask questions. Shoot my theories down. I am more than happy to read what you have to say and I'll even respond if warranted.
But please, please don't take my words out of context and paste them on another blog without my permission. Please. Yes, I know that anyone can do whatever they want with my words, but I'm asking you nicely to please leave them right where they are unless I give you permission to do otherwise. At the very least, give credit where credit is due. If you didn't write it, you should say who did.
Please. Be courteous. I don't think it's asking too much.
I don't expect my publicly accessible blog to remain private. Everything I write here, I write with the knowledge that someone else will probably read it. If I didn't want anyone to read it, I wouldn't publish it.
That's not the issue.
The issue is that someone took my words from this blog, and pasted them over on Mayo's blog, without saying where they came from, who wrote them, or what the intention was. Without asking permission. And they did it anonymously!
I mean, what's the point in posting someone else's words anonymously without any explanation behind it? What were you hoping to achieve? If you're trying to make some kind of statement, can't you even put your own name on it? Are you too afraid to let everyone know who you are?
Yes, I am aware that when a blog is public, anyone can do whatever they want with it. I just expect most decent and mature adults NOT to. At Mayo's blog, we have all quoted each other before. But we always give credit to the original author, and the vast majority of us sign in or use some kind of screen name to post.
To make matters worse, when I commented at Mayo's to point out that this anonymous person had quoted me without permission, I was accused of altering my blog to make it look like Mayo's blog was written in relation to mine!
As if! Why would I go to the trouble?
To tell you the truth, I really don't know if Mayo's blog was written in response to mine. It could be a complete coincidence, as I stated plainly in my last entry.
But as far as my own blog is concerned, what you see is what you get. I write whatever pops into my head, and I do it pretty spontaneously. I don't waste time changing my time stamp or editing my blog title to make it appear more relevant to anyone else's blog. I have no need to make it look like I have a connection to Mayonaise. Whether any connection exists or not, it's quite irrelevant.
So for future reference to all who read this:
If you have questions about something I've written, if you want more clarification, or if you just plain don't believe me... then say it to my face. Comment me. Please. I welcome your input. Ask questions. Shoot my theories down. I am more than happy to read what you have to say and I'll even respond if warranted.
But please, please don't take my words out of context and paste them on another blog without my permission. Please. Yes, I know that anyone can do whatever they want with my words, but I'm asking you nicely to please leave them right where they are unless I give you permission to do otherwise. At the very least, give credit where credit is due. If you didn't write it, you should say who did.
Please. Be courteous. I don't think it's asking too much.
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
Last Thoughts
Before I start, I must point something out.
Our dear Mayo posted a blog called "The smoking gun" on Dececember 28th. The first word in the blog is "Reflection."
I wrote a blog one day before this on December 27th. The title? "Reflection." I even talked about my friend in that blog.
This is either a bizarre coincidence, or else someone just 'fessed up and blew his cover. The smoking gun indeed.
Anyway, on to the rest of my blog.
This is my last day of vacation, and I'm really sad to see it go. It was so nice to be at home relaxing, reconnecting with friends, and doing what I want with my time instead of always being on somebody else's schedule.
Tomorrow I will go back to the job I hate, working with people who are incompetent, cleaning up everyone else's mess because apparently nobody else knows how to organize themselves or get any real work done.
[sigh]
It's depressing.
I want out. I want to move out of this crappy little town and do something different with my life. I'm tired of feeling trapped. I want to be free.
So perhaps my new year's resolution should be to figure out what I really want to do with my life and actually do it. Like actually plan it out and make it happen.
I have a friend who did exactly what I'm talking about last year. Except she has a husband (also my friend) who is business-minded and makes a lot of money. He helped her plan out what she wanted to do, and he supported her when she quit her office job so she could explore her options.
Sometimes I wish I had someone who would support me like that. But I don't have rich parents or a hard working husband. It's just me, and I have to make it on my own. I can never just quit my job because I have to support myself. I have bills to pay.
I've never wanted a man to pay my way, and I still don't. I believe in earning my own money and paying my own way. But I do wish I had the support of a partner. Hmm... maybe my second new year's resolution should be to start dating again and find a worthy partner in crime.
These resolutions are already shaping up to be pretty tall. I hope I'm not reaching for the unattainable.
Am I biting off more than I can chew?
Sometimes everything feels so overwhelming. I get so tired and frustrated from trying to deal with the immensity of it all. I just want to wave a magic wand and make it all better. For me, for my friends, and especially for my family. It seems unfair that we should all struggle and never truly be happy.
Maybe I should try to be more buddhist and accept the fact that all life is suffering and nothing is permanent. The only constant is change. That means this struggle will soon pass, right?
Or... maybe I should scrap my new year's resolutions and just focus on winning the lottery. Haha! :-D
I wish I didn't have to go back to work tomorrow. Let it be known to all who read this, that these were the last thoughts of a free woman before she entered back into the servitude of "real life". Whatever that means.
....
Peter Gibbons: The thing is, Bob, it's not that I'm lazy, it's that I just don't care.
Bob Porter: Don't... don't care?
Peter Gibbons: It's a problem of motivation, all right? Now if I work my ass off and Initech ships a few extra units, I don't see another dime; so where's the motivation? And here's something else, Bob: I have eight different bosses right now.
Bob Slydell: I beg your pardon?
Peter Gibbons: Eight bosses.
Bob Slydell: Eight?
Peter Gibbons: Eight, Bob. So that means that when I make a mistake, I have eight different people coming by to tell me about it. That's my only real motivation is not to be hassled; that, and the fear of losing my job. But you know, Bob, that will only make someone work just hard enough not to get fired.
Our dear Mayo posted a blog called "The smoking gun" on Dececember 28th. The first word in the blog is "Reflection."
I wrote a blog one day before this on December 27th. The title? "Reflection." I even talked about my friend in that blog.
This is either a bizarre coincidence, or else someone just 'fessed up and blew his cover. The smoking gun indeed.
Anyway, on to the rest of my blog.
This is my last day of vacation, and I'm really sad to see it go. It was so nice to be at home relaxing, reconnecting with friends, and doing what I want with my time instead of always being on somebody else's schedule.
Tomorrow I will go back to the job I hate, working with people who are incompetent, cleaning up everyone else's mess because apparently nobody else knows how to organize themselves or get any real work done.
[sigh]
It's depressing.
I want out. I want to move out of this crappy little town and do something different with my life. I'm tired of feeling trapped. I want to be free.
So perhaps my new year's resolution should be to figure out what I really want to do with my life and actually do it. Like actually plan it out and make it happen.
I have a friend who did exactly what I'm talking about last year. Except she has a husband (also my friend) who is business-minded and makes a lot of money. He helped her plan out what she wanted to do, and he supported her when she quit her office job so she could explore her options.
Sometimes I wish I had someone who would support me like that. But I don't have rich parents or a hard working husband. It's just me, and I have to make it on my own. I can never just quit my job because I have to support myself. I have bills to pay.
I've never wanted a man to pay my way, and I still don't. I believe in earning my own money and paying my own way. But I do wish I had the support of a partner. Hmm... maybe my second new year's resolution should be to start dating again and find a worthy partner in crime.
These resolutions are already shaping up to be pretty tall. I hope I'm not reaching for the unattainable.
Am I biting off more than I can chew?
Sometimes everything feels so overwhelming. I get so tired and frustrated from trying to deal with the immensity of it all. I just want to wave a magic wand and make it all better. For me, for my friends, and especially for my family. It seems unfair that we should all struggle and never truly be happy.
Maybe I should try to be more buddhist and accept the fact that all life is suffering and nothing is permanent. The only constant is change. That means this struggle will soon pass, right?
Or... maybe I should scrap my new year's resolutions and just focus on winning the lottery. Haha! :-D
I wish I didn't have to go back to work tomorrow. Let it be known to all who read this, that these were the last thoughts of a free woman before she entered back into the servitude of "real life". Whatever that means.
....
Peter Gibbons: The thing is, Bob, it's not that I'm lazy, it's that I just don't care.
Bob Porter: Don't... don't care?
Peter Gibbons: It's a problem of motivation, all right? Now if I work my ass off and Initech ships a few extra units, I don't see another dime; so where's the motivation? And here's something else, Bob: I have eight different bosses right now.
Bob Slydell: I beg your pardon?
Peter Gibbons: Eight bosses.
Bob Slydell: Eight?
Peter Gibbons: Eight, Bob. So that means that when I make a mistake, I have eight different people coming by to tell me about it. That's my only real motivation is not to be hassled; that, and the fear of losing my job. But you know, Bob, that will only make someone work just hard enough not to get fired.
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Since you are so depressed, why don't you go kill yourself?
Jump off a building.
Overdose on pills.
Hang yourself.
Crawl into a whole and die.
You are pathetic.