Once again, I care too much about what other people think, and it's making me feel overwhelmed. I'm really not good at this. The only time I have any skill at getting my way without caring how it affects other people is at the poker table, and even then, I still feel bad when I beat someone.
Everyone's got an opinion. Everyone thinks they have a right.
Surprisingly (or maybe not), the people who have been the most respectful and unconditionally supportive have been my coworkers. Our HR director congratulated me. Our CFO gave me a bottle of Dom Perignon. My boss has already started calling me by my new name. And my closest friends at work have been awesome -- they want to know all the details, but they don't judge, they don't offer "suggestions", and they don't try to invite themselves along. They just tell me they're happy for me, and I can see they really mean it.
Family members, on the other hand, have not been so respectful.
My dad passive-agressively complained about how he didn't even know I was engaged, how he hopes he can meet my fiance someday, and how he wishes I'd told him sooner so he could make plans to come (as if he's invited). Well, dad, that's what happens when you make no effort to communicate with your daughter. You're not in the loop.
The boy has friends and family trying to invite themselves to the wedding and/or brunch afterwards. I'm so torn. I don't want anybody to feel hurt or left out, yet I kind of want to leave them out. This isn't an "event". There were no invitations. You know why? Because nobody was invited!
Some of them think they're being supportive by insisting. Some of them are just excited and want to be involved. Some of them are being selfish. Some of them just don't have a clue.
The only people we asked to come were our immediate family members. My mom and sister, and the boy's mom and sister. Yet people who weren't invited seem to think they have a right to be there. This wedding isn't for them. It's for us. Why can't they respect that?
Yet, even as I'm angry at people for assuming and intruding, I still feel really, really bad. In the back of my mind, I feel this obligation to do what people want. I actually feel guilty for not planning a big thing and reserving a space and sending out invitations and making everyone feel welcome. Even though that's totally the opposite of what I want for my wedding.
I wish I'd asked the boy and his family to just keep it quiet until after it was over, and I wish I'd done the same. But I suppose that wouldn't fly.
I know I'm whining about something that was probably inevitable, and I should just take a deep breath and let it all flow. But I can't help thinking we should secretly get married on Thursday or Friday before anyone has a chance to bitch about it.
[sigh]
If only...
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Dress
J.Crew Sophia dress in Ivory. Yes?
http://www.jcrew.com/AST/Browse/WomenBrowse/Women_Shop_By_Category/dresses/weddingsparties/PRDOVR~63050/63050.jsp
I'm looking at a dress on eBay for $49.99, so it's not nearly as expensive as listed at jcrew.com.
http://www.jcrew.com/AST/Browse/WomenBrowse/Women_Shop_By_Category/dresses/weddingsparties/PRDOVR~63050/63050.jsp
I'm looking at a dress on eBay for $49.99, so it's not nearly as expensive as listed at jcrew.com.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Yippee!
I went to the county courthouse this morning to get an application for a marriage license. I circled the block three times to find a parking space. I stood in line to go through the metal detector. I looked awkwardly at the directory to figure out where the county clerk's office is located. I observed the armed guards, the cops, the lawyers, and all the people in the hallway awaiting their court appearances. Then I was "helped" by a very nasty woman in the clerk's office who gave me half-answers to my questions and smirked at me disapprovingly when I told her my fiance is in the military and we're trying to get married before his deployment.
The whole experience was terrible.
I thought, I can't get married here. I hate courthouses. I've already spent more time in them than I would've liked, and I don't want my wedding to be here. This whole place sucks, and I hope I never get called up for jury duty so I never have to come back.
Then I had another small round of panic where I thought, shit, what am I going to do now? I'm running out of time!
But then it all came together. Oh yes. I kicked some ass today.
I settled on a date and time. I found a non-denominational wedding officiant. I decided on an outdoor location in a nice park - which doesn't require a reservation or a fee. I called the boy and read him some example wedding vows over the phone and we picked the one we liked best. Date/time/location information was distributed to our mothers. My mom offered to get me some flowers, and besides that I need to pick something to wear. All that's left is to get the license when the boy gets home, and we'll be all set! And we're doing everything for less that $150!
Now that everything is decided, I'm so freakin excited!!! Remember how I said I didn't want to shout it out to the world when we got engaged? Well now that all the details are straightened out and it's actually happening, I kinda do!
Well... I still don't want to tell anyone and everyone. Just the people I care about. Tomorrow I'm going to tell some of my close friends. I'll just let everyone else receive the trickle of gossip, however it ends up flowing.
I'm so happy. I always thought it was a lame cliche when people said your wedding day was supposed to be the happiest day of your life. But it might actually be true! :)
The whole experience was terrible.
I thought, I can't get married here. I hate courthouses. I've already spent more time in them than I would've liked, and I don't want my wedding to be here. This whole place sucks, and I hope I never get called up for jury duty so I never have to come back.
Then I had another small round of panic where I thought, shit, what am I going to do now? I'm running out of time!
But then it all came together. Oh yes. I kicked some ass today.
I settled on a date and time. I found a non-denominational wedding officiant. I decided on an outdoor location in a nice park - which doesn't require a reservation or a fee. I called the boy and read him some example wedding vows over the phone and we picked the one we liked best. Date/time/location information was distributed to our mothers. My mom offered to get me some flowers, and besides that I need to pick something to wear. All that's left is to get the license when the boy gets home, and we'll be all set! And we're doing everything for less that $150!
Now that everything is decided, I'm so freakin excited!!! Remember how I said I didn't want to shout it out to the world when we got engaged? Well now that all the details are straightened out and it's actually happening, I kinda do!
Well... I still don't want to tell anyone and everyone. Just the people I care about. Tomorrow I'm going to tell some of my close friends. I'll just let everyone else receive the trickle of gossip, however it ends up flowing.
I'm so happy. I always thought it was a lame cliche when people said your wedding day was supposed to be the happiest day of your life. But it might actually be true! :)
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Whoa There!
At first, I was just going to figure out how to get the marriage license, then schedule an appointment with a judge for a really simple ceremony at the courthouse.
Then I thought about my mom being there, and the boy's mom being there. Then he mentioned his friend wants to come. Then I thought, shit, what if I tell people and they want to come? What if word spreads through the boy's family, and a bunch of them want to come?
If more people show up, I somehow feel more obligated to make it this big thing. Like maybe we should get married some place besides the courthouse. And maybe I should actually wear something nice. Shit, do I need to buy something new?
So I find myself surfing the web when I should be working, looking at white skirts and dresses, and wedding locations, and of course that leads into florists and photographers and caterers, and other beautiful but expensive, time consuming luxuries that I neither want nor can afford. How on earth am I going to do all this by myself, on zero budget, with less than 2 weeks planning time? Then, like a fool, I start looking at wedding planners, because wouldn't it be so much easier if someone else did all the work for me?
Ok, STOP.
What is my deal? All of a sudden, I'm way stressed out about planning a wedding? Why?
I need to remind myself what's important. I shouldn't care what other people think or expect. The only thing that matters is that the boy and I are together. Who cares where our ceremony takes place? Who cares what we wear? If we choose what we want, and it's good enough for us, then fuck everybody else.
All I really want is to get the license, stand in front of a judge, kiss the boy as my husband (at which point I think I might have to stop calling him "the boy" in this blog), and be done with it.
The only thing that makes me sad is that we won't get any sort of honeymoon. The weather's just starting to get nice... It would have been so cool to go camping at the coast or road trip it up to the Olympic Peninsula. But we can postpone it for a year. I know we'll spend lots of quality time together when he's home from the war. I'm so excited for that. :)
*pause*
*deep breath*
I feel better after writing this. Tomorrow I will find out how to get the license, I will schedule an appointment with a judge, and that will be the end of it. Whoever wants to come can come, but I will no longer worry about doing this for anybody but us.
Then I thought about my mom being there, and the boy's mom being there. Then he mentioned his friend wants to come. Then I thought, shit, what if I tell people and they want to come? What if word spreads through the boy's family, and a bunch of them want to come?
If more people show up, I somehow feel more obligated to make it this big thing. Like maybe we should get married some place besides the courthouse. And maybe I should actually wear something nice. Shit, do I need to buy something new?
So I find myself surfing the web when I should be working, looking at white skirts and dresses, and wedding locations, and of course that leads into florists and photographers and caterers, and other beautiful but expensive, time consuming luxuries that I neither want nor can afford. How on earth am I going to do all this by myself, on zero budget, with less than 2 weeks planning time? Then, like a fool, I start looking at wedding planners, because wouldn't it be so much easier if someone else did all the work for me?
Ok, STOP.
What is my deal? All of a sudden, I'm way stressed out about planning a wedding? Why?
I need to remind myself what's important. I shouldn't care what other people think or expect. The only thing that matters is that the boy and I are together. Who cares where our ceremony takes place? Who cares what we wear? If we choose what we want, and it's good enough for us, then fuck everybody else.
All I really want is to get the license, stand in front of a judge, kiss the boy as my husband (at which point I think I might have to stop calling him "the boy" in this blog), and be done with it.
The only thing that makes me sad is that we won't get any sort of honeymoon. The weather's just starting to get nice... It would have been so cool to go camping at the coast or road trip it up to the Olympic Peninsula. But we can postpone it for a year. I know we'll spend lots of quality time together when he's home from the war. I'm so excited for that. :)
*pause*
*deep breath*
I feel better after writing this. Tomorrow I will find out how to get the license, I will schedule an appointment with a judge, and that will be the end of it. Whoever wants to come can come, but I will no longer worry about doing this for anybody but us.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Ebb and Flow
This was a melancholy weekend.
I don't even remember what I did Friday night. I just remember being tired but somehow still staying up too late.
Very early Saturday morning, before dawn, I awoke to the sounds of rodents in my ceiling. I tried to convince myself that they were just squirrels so I could go back to sleep. I slept fitfully and had weird dreams about moving into a strangely laid out apartment with this other couple and their baby. I think that was my subconscious mind saying dammit, if there's mice in this apartment again, I'm fucking moving.
All day Saturday I was tired and lazy. I had a list of errands and chores to do, but I couldn't motivate myself to do any of them. I played Warcraft for most of the day, took a nap, watched some crappy TV, talked to the boy several times. I felt a bit depressed. But maybe I just needed the down time. It had been a long and busy week.
Very early Sunday morning, again before dawn, I awoke to more noises, except this time, it sounded like it was coming from inside the apartment. Cats playing, I thought. It has to be cats playing with some new "toy" they found.
After a few minutes, I decided to get up and inspect. There was Nina, hunkered down silently and motionlessly, staring at the closet door which conceals the washer and dryer. Obviously not playing, and obviously not making the noise which I could still hear coming from inside the closet.
Great. Here we go again.
I grabbed a flashlight, opened the closet doors, and looked around the edges of the washer and dryer, way down in the corners where there's so little space that I can hardly see. No holes in the wall. No droppings. No signs of activity. But I hear those little fuckers. I hear them chewing and gnawing and scurrying around in there. It's only a matter of time before they come through, and then it'll be hell, just like last time.
Feeling helpless and resigned to fate, I threw my hands in the air and climbed back in bed. I texted the boy and told him I might have to move while he's gone.
He called me and gave me the tactful kick in the ass I needed to stop being a wuss and take matters into my own hands. Except I would have to wait until Monday morning when the apartment manager would be available.
In the meantime, I tried to go back to sleep. I had more weird dreams, this time about some random woman coming into my apartment through the back sliding door, leaving before I could catch her in the act, then lingering in my back yard and acting as if she'd done nothing wrong or unusual. The way she had entered was weird - she somehow opened the door from the wrong side, completely circumventing my little ghetto security device (wooden dowel in the door track), and breaking the door lock so it wouldn't close properly again. I felt my home had been violated, and I was angry that she treated it like such a trivial matter. I'm thinking the woman must represent the mice.
When I woke up from that, I took the boy's advice to heart. Even though I couldn't contact the apartment manager right away, I could still take control of my home. I completely cleaned the bathroom, hung a brand new shower curtain, vacuumed, did all the dishes and laundry, and took out all the garbage and recycling.
I felt much better afterwards. Accomplished. In control. But once again, very tired, especially since I'd woken so early for the last two days. And my back was hurting. Even with all the strength I've gained from my workout routine, cleaning the bathtub still kills my back every time. Always has.
Too tired to cook or go anywhere, I ordered pizza. About 30 minutes later my doorbell rang, but it wasn't the pizza delivery. It was my upstairs neighbor. I had placed a couple boxes out with "return to sender" written on them. She saw them but missed my note on them, and thought they were for me. Nevermind that they appeared on a Sunday, when there's no mail service. She was just letting me know, and she offered to go get them and bring them down, which I thought was very nice. But it was a strange interaction. Every interaction I've had with her has been odd. There's something about her. She's flightly and high strung. Always overly nice. Not ingenuine, but... apologetic? Even bumbling. It's hard to describe. I almost wonder if she's got anxiety or mania. It might explain why she's always up so late stomping around over my head and doing household chores like there's no tomorrow. I used to think she was just completely unaware of her surroundings or how she affects other people, but obviously she cares at least somewhat, since she came all the way downstairs to talk to me about my packages.
Anyway, right after she left, my pizza arrived. After I ate, I crashed hard. I crawled into bed at about 9pm, and tried desperately to ignore the continuing sounds of rodents in the wall. I finally got up and turned the dryer on. I still had damp towels to dry anyway.
Then the boy called and told me all about his day. He had practiced riding in, and getting out of, a vehicle that rolls over, like a jeep or humvee. Apparently you get really disoriented, reaching for wrong doors, and stepping on other people, just because of the way everything gets all turned around on you. I imagine it being like one of those amusement park rides that I loved when I was a kid, but that make me sick to my stomach now.
And we talked about getting married. The boy finally decided that he wants to get married right away instead of waiting a year. He told me that I was right, in all of our discussions about it. But I told him it's not about who's right or wrong in the argument, it's about knowing whether something feels right. It's okay to take extra time to decide whether it feels right.
Well... he took the time, and now he's decided it feels right... and I'm damned excited about it. :)
We're getting married when he comes home on leave, in a couple weeks. Probably on May 4th, but that's not set in stone. We have to apply for a marriage license and schedule a ceremony with a judge. I got a list of judges from the county clerk's office.
After I got off the phone with the boy, I was so happy and excited that I couldn't sleep. I cried with happiness, I laughed, I thought and pondered, I tossed and turned. The cats were both curled up on the bed, dead to the world, and could not be bothered to listen to my blather.
Then the dryer stopped, and the rodent sounds resumed. As if I needed anything else to keep me awake!
I got up and started the dryer again, took a swig of NyQuil, and finally fell asleep after midnight.
I had more weird dreams, woke early again to more rodent noises, and finally rolled out of bed this morning to go talk to the apartment manager. I told them, if this isn't taken care of immediately, I will move out. I will not tolerate another infestation in my home. It was such a messy, disgusting pain in the ass last time around, and I won't deal with it again. They promised me they'd get right on it. We'll see how it goes...
So it's another Monday, I'm back at work, I'm exhausted and in a brain fog because I didn't get enough sleep all weekend, and I'm so stoked that the boy and I are getting married! Besides that, I've got another list of errands to run and phone calls to make, and somewhere in there I actually need to get some work done? Oh right, there's a reason why they pay me to be here...
Good grief, there's a lot going on!
I don't even remember what I did Friday night. I just remember being tired but somehow still staying up too late.
Very early Saturday morning, before dawn, I awoke to the sounds of rodents in my ceiling. I tried to convince myself that they were just squirrels so I could go back to sleep. I slept fitfully and had weird dreams about moving into a strangely laid out apartment with this other couple and their baby. I think that was my subconscious mind saying dammit, if there's mice in this apartment again, I'm fucking moving.
All day Saturday I was tired and lazy. I had a list of errands and chores to do, but I couldn't motivate myself to do any of them. I played Warcraft for most of the day, took a nap, watched some crappy TV, talked to the boy several times. I felt a bit depressed. But maybe I just needed the down time. It had been a long and busy week.
Very early Sunday morning, again before dawn, I awoke to more noises, except this time, it sounded like it was coming from inside the apartment. Cats playing, I thought. It has to be cats playing with some new "toy" they found.
After a few minutes, I decided to get up and inspect. There was Nina, hunkered down silently and motionlessly, staring at the closet door which conceals the washer and dryer. Obviously not playing, and obviously not making the noise which I could still hear coming from inside the closet.
Great. Here we go again.
I grabbed a flashlight, opened the closet doors, and looked around the edges of the washer and dryer, way down in the corners where there's so little space that I can hardly see. No holes in the wall. No droppings. No signs of activity. But I hear those little fuckers. I hear them chewing and gnawing and scurrying around in there. It's only a matter of time before they come through, and then it'll be hell, just like last time.
Feeling helpless and resigned to fate, I threw my hands in the air and climbed back in bed. I texted the boy and told him I might have to move while he's gone.
He called me and gave me the tactful kick in the ass I needed to stop being a wuss and take matters into my own hands. Except I would have to wait until Monday morning when the apartment manager would be available.
In the meantime, I tried to go back to sleep. I had more weird dreams, this time about some random woman coming into my apartment through the back sliding door, leaving before I could catch her in the act, then lingering in my back yard and acting as if she'd done nothing wrong or unusual. The way she had entered was weird - she somehow opened the door from the wrong side, completely circumventing my little ghetto security device (wooden dowel in the door track), and breaking the door lock so it wouldn't close properly again. I felt my home had been violated, and I was angry that she treated it like such a trivial matter. I'm thinking the woman must represent the mice.
When I woke up from that, I took the boy's advice to heart. Even though I couldn't contact the apartment manager right away, I could still take control of my home. I completely cleaned the bathroom, hung a brand new shower curtain, vacuumed, did all the dishes and laundry, and took out all the garbage and recycling.
I felt much better afterwards. Accomplished. In control. But once again, very tired, especially since I'd woken so early for the last two days. And my back was hurting. Even with all the strength I've gained from my workout routine, cleaning the bathtub still kills my back every time. Always has.
Too tired to cook or go anywhere, I ordered pizza. About 30 minutes later my doorbell rang, but it wasn't the pizza delivery. It was my upstairs neighbor. I had placed a couple boxes out with "return to sender" written on them. She saw them but missed my note on them, and thought they were for me. Nevermind that they appeared on a Sunday, when there's no mail service. She was just letting me know, and she offered to go get them and bring them down, which I thought was very nice. But it was a strange interaction. Every interaction I've had with her has been odd. There's something about her. She's flightly and high strung. Always overly nice. Not ingenuine, but... apologetic? Even bumbling. It's hard to describe. I almost wonder if she's got anxiety or mania. It might explain why she's always up so late stomping around over my head and doing household chores like there's no tomorrow. I used to think she was just completely unaware of her surroundings or how she affects other people, but obviously she cares at least somewhat, since she came all the way downstairs to talk to me about my packages.
Anyway, right after she left, my pizza arrived. After I ate, I crashed hard. I crawled into bed at about 9pm, and tried desperately to ignore the continuing sounds of rodents in the wall. I finally got up and turned the dryer on. I still had damp towels to dry anyway.
Then the boy called and told me all about his day. He had practiced riding in, and getting out of, a vehicle that rolls over, like a jeep or humvee. Apparently you get really disoriented, reaching for wrong doors, and stepping on other people, just because of the way everything gets all turned around on you. I imagine it being like one of those amusement park rides that I loved when I was a kid, but that make me sick to my stomach now.
And we talked about getting married. The boy finally decided that he wants to get married right away instead of waiting a year. He told me that I was right, in all of our discussions about it. But I told him it's not about who's right or wrong in the argument, it's about knowing whether something feels right. It's okay to take extra time to decide whether it feels right.
Well... he took the time, and now he's decided it feels right... and I'm damned excited about it. :)
We're getting married when he comes home on leave, in a couple weeks. Probably on May 4th, but that's not set in stone. We have to apply for a marriage license and schedule a ceremony with a judge. I got a list of judges from the county clerk's office.
After I got off the phone with the boy, I was so happy and excited that I couldn't sleep. I cried with happiness, I laughed, I thought and pondered, I tossed and turned. The cats were both curled up on the bed, dead to the world, and could not be bothered to listen to my blather.
Then the dryer stopped, and the rodent sounds resumed. As if I needed anything else to keep me awake!
I got up and started the dryer again, took a swig of NyQuil, and finally fell asleep after midnight.
I had more weird dreams, woke early again to more rodent noises, and finally rolled out of bed this morning to go talk to the apartment manager. I told them, if this isn't taken care of immediately, I will move out. I will not tolerate another infestation in my home. It was such a messy, disgusting pain in the ass last time around, and I won't deal with it again. They promised me they'd get right on it. We'll see how it goes...
So it's another Monday, I'm back at work, I'm exhausted and in a brain fog because I didn't get enough sleep all weekend, and I'm so stoked that the boy and I are getting married! Besides that, I've got another list of errands to run and phone calls to make, and somewhere in there I actually need to get some work done? Oh right, there's a reason why they pay me to be here...
Good grief, there's a lot going on!
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Nina
Last night I laid in bed and sobbed. I missed the boy terribly. I grabbed his sweater and his pillow and buried my face in them, squeezing tightly.
My cat walked up onto my back. She began vigorously licking my cheek at about the same time one of her claws started digging into my shoulder blade. Sandpaper tongue and needle-sharp claw.
"No, Nina!" I yelled at her through a sob. "Get down!"
She stood there for a moment, perfectly still, as if deciding what to do. I buried my face and resumed crying.
Then, the sweetest and most surprising thing happened. She layed down, right there on my back, rested her chin next to my ear, purred gently, and kneaded my shoulder with her paw, without using claws. It was like a reassuring embrace. Everything's going to be okay.
Within a few minutes I stopped crying and relaxed. She fell asleep on me, and she stayed there until I moved my arms out from under my body. Then she curled up next to me, against my belly, and we both slept.
My cat walked up onto my back. She began vigorously licking my cheek at about the same time one of her claws started digging into my shoulder blade. Sandpaper tongue and needle-sharp claw.
"No, Nina!" I yelled at her through a sob. "Get down!"
She stood there for a moment, perfectly still, as if deciding what to do. I buried my face and resumed crying.
Then, the sweetest and most surprising thing happened. She layed down, right there on my back, rested her chin next to my ear, purred gently, and kneaded my shoulder with her paw, without using claws. It was like a reassuring embrace. Everything's going to be okay.
Within a few minutes I stopped crying and relaxed. She fell asleep on me, and she stayed there until I moved my arms out from under my body. Then she curled up next to me, against my belly, and we both slept.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Random Observations From My Weekend
Observation 1
The boy's mom likes me. She gives me hugs at family events. She invited me to Easter dinner. She moved me to her top friends on MySpace. It's like I'm accepted as part of the family or something. Strange.
Observation 2
While I was sick I played a lot of Warcraft, and I've decided that the Mechano-hog is the coolest thing ever.
No, really. Ever.
It's a big chopper motorcycle that you can around ride in. It absorbs all damage from falling so you can totally jump it off cliffs with no ill effect. And the very best part is that is has a side car so you can invite a buddy to ride along with you! Someday I will have one.
Observation 3
When you're not Christian, and you don't belong to one of the other major religions like Judaism or Islam, the rest of the world just refuses to acknowledge you. Unless of course you agree to play along with their traditions, which they generally assume you will.
Yes, I enjoy a feast to celebrate the transition from winter to spring (death/rebirth) as much as anybody. But do I think it has anything at all to do with Jesus? Nope.
In the future perhaps I'll be more overt and explicit in mentioning Ostara as my springtime holiday of choice, much like I do with Winter Solstice, so I can openly celebrate my family's traditions without them being confused with Christian beliefs and Hallmark holidays.
Observation 4
Illness makes me sleepy.
I slept all day Friday and a good chunk of Saturday. I didn't feel tired enough to take any naps on Sunday, which I thought meant that I was starting to recover from my cold, but today I feel sleepy all over again.
I tend to feel sleepy and lethargic most of the time anyway, and it seems like any kind of stress or illness makes it worse. I just get tired a lot. My body feels heavy and droopy, and my mind gets clouded and sluggish. I yawn all the time. My actions are slow. Everything physical makes me feel winded. I make a lot of typing mistakes. I can't make decisions easily. I get overwhelmed with random thoughts and emotions that my brain is too lazy to control.
I didn't used to be like this when I was younger, and I often wonder what has changed over the years. Have I gotten depressed again? Is it my horrible diet? Am I not getting enough sleep, even though I frequently go to bed early and sleep in late? Or is it just that I've been sick for like, over a month now?
All of the above?
Observation 5
NyQuil gives me strange dreams. Last night I dreampt about being in a big room, like a cafeteria, with lots of people eating, and all of a sudden it turned into everyone looking through old records. Then it was looking through old records to choose what music you'd like to hear played over the intercom. Most votes wins, and there was a deadline for submitting your vote. Then it wasn't just choosing music you'd like to hear, but choosing the band you would like to play live. I heard arguments for and against from several people who were trying to sway me to vote for their choice. Then the bands were all there, waiting to be picked. I had a strange conversation with Laetitia Sadier of Stereolab. This is not the first conversation I've had with Laetitia in my own private dreamland. I wonder if the last conversation was also NyQuil-induced? I don't remember. Oddly enough, I'm listening to Stereolab right now, and I'm feeling awfully sleepy...
Observation 6
I love my boy, and I love my cats.
No elaboration needed.
The boy's mom likes me. She gives me hugs at family events. She invited me to Easter dinner. She moved me to her top friends on MySpace. It's like I'm accepted as part of the family or something. Strange.
Observation 2
While I was sick I played a lot of Warcraft, and I've decided that the Mechano-hog is the coolest thing ever.
No, really. Ever.
It's a big chopper motorcycle that you can around ride in. It absorbs all damage from falling so you can totally jump it off cliffs with no ill effect. And the very best part is that is has a side car so you can invite a buddy to ride along with you! Someday I will have one.
Observation 3
When you're not Christian, and you don't belong to one of the other major religions like Judaism or Islam, the rest of the world just refuses to acknowledge you. Unless of course you agree to play along with their traditions, which they generally assume you will.
Yes, I enjoy a feast to celebrate the transition from winter to spring (death/rebirth) as much as anybody. But do I think it has anything at all to do with Jesus? Nope.
In the future perhaps I'll be more overt and explicit in mentioning Ostara as my springtime holiday of choice, much like I do with Winter Solstice, so I can openly celebrate my family's traditions without them being confused with Christian beliefs and Hallmark holidays.
Observation 4
Illness makes me sleepy.
I slept all day Friday and a good chunk of Saturday. I didn't feel tired enough to take any naps on Sunday, which I thought meant that I was starting to recover from my cold, but today I feel sleepy all over again.
I tend to feel sleepy and lethargic most of the time anyway, and it seems like any kind of stress or illness makes it worse. I just get tired a lot. My body feels heavy and droopy, and my mind gets clouded and sluggish. I yawn all the time. My actions are slow. Everything physical makes me feel winded. I make a lot of typing mistakes. I can't make decisions easily. I get overwhelmed with random thoughts and emotions that my brain is too lazy to control.
I didn't used to be like this when I was younger, and I often wonder what has changed over the years. Have I gotten depressed again? Is it my horrible diet? Am I not getting enough sleep, even though I frequently go to bed early and sleep in late? Or is it just that I've been sick for like, over a month now?
All of the above?
Observation 5
NyQuil gives me strange dreams. Last night I dreampt about being in a big room, like a cafeteria, with lots of people eating, and all of a sudden it turned into everyone looking through old records. Then it was looking through old records to choose what music you'd like to hear played over the intercom. Most votes wins, and there was a deadline for submitting your vote. Then it wasn't just choosing music you'd like to hear, but choosing the band you would like to play live. I heard arguments for and against from several people who were trying to sway me to vote for their choice. Then the bands were all there, waiting to be picked. I had a strange conversation with Laetitia Sadier of Stereolab. This is not the first conversation I've had with Laetitia in my own private dreamland. I wonder if the last conversation was also NyQuil-induced? I don't remember. Oddly enough, I'm listening to Stereolab right now, and I'm feeling awfully sleepy...
Observation 6
I love my boy, and I love my cats.
No elaboration needed.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Spoke Too Soon
Well, it was a good day. Then I started getting sick. Again.
Sore throat, headache, earaches, fatigue, and I seem to be radiating heat from my head and neck. I don't think it's a fever though. (I hope.)
Dammit, I was just sick a few weeks ago! This isn't supposed to happen again so soon. :-(
Anyway, things are good besides, so I'm counting my blessings and trying to stay positive. I have a job, food to eat, a roof over my head, and I'm in love with the best man I've ever known. I'll have my health back soon enough. Need to start pumping the vitamin C!!!
Sore throat, headache, earaches, fatigue, and I seem to be radiating heat from my head and neck. I don't think it's a fever though. (I hope.)
Dammit, I was just sick a few weeks ago! This isn't supposed to happen again so soon. :-(
Anyway, things are good besides, so I'm counting my blessings and trying to stay positive. I have a job, food to eat, a roof over my head, and I'm in love with the best man I've ever known. I'll have my health back soon enough. Need to start pumping the vitamin C!!!
Good Days Do Happen
Yesterday started out with giggles over that silly song on the radio, but later in the day as my exhaustion set in and I realized how much money I don't have, I started to get kind of down.
Then I started kicking ass at work. :-)
Then I got text messages from the boy. :-) :-) :-)
Then I got to hear the boy's voice on the phone. :-) :-) :-) :-) :-)
I ended up working a crazy 12-hour day because I got on a roll and couldn't stop until I was done. Then I went home and had trouble settling down. I ate some dinner, watched a little TV, then finally felt tired enough to go to bed.
And for once, I actually slept well.
I snuggled up with the boy's sweater. He spent some time making it smell like him before he left. When I woke up this morning, I had it wrapped all around me. I hugged his sweater, smelled his pillow, got kisses from my kitty, and hopped out of bed with a smile on my face.
The boy left a stick of his deodorant on his dresser, and I might have put some on this morning. (Yeah, I'm a dork.) It reminds me of the times when I would stay over at his place the night before a ski trip. We would get up early, shower, and I would put his deodorant on because I forgot to bring my own. Then I would smell like him all day long. He always thought I was a little weird for that, but I have no shame. I love his smell. :-)
I feel happy today. I'm rested, I've got boy smell on me, I got all my shit done at work last night so I can proudly report my progress today, and I arrived at the office early, which means I get to go home early and have the whole evening to myself. Yay!
Then I started kicking ass at work. :-)
Then I got text messages from the boy. :-) :-) :-)
Then I got to hear the boy's voice on the phone. :-) :-) :-) :-) :-)
I ended up working a crazy 12-hour day because I got on a roll and couldn't stop until I was done. Then I went home and had trouble settling down. I ate some dinner, watched a little TV, then finally felt tired enough to go to bed.
And for once, I actually slept well.
I snuggled up with the boy's sweater. He spent some time making it smell like him before he left. When I woke up this morning, I had it wrapped all around me. I hugged his sweater, smelled his pillow, got kisses from my kitty, and hopped out of bed with a smile on my face.
The boy left a stick of his deodorant on his dresser, and I might have put some on this morning. (Yeah, I'm a dork.) It reminds me of the times when I would stay over at his place the night before a ski trip. We would get up early, shower, and I would put his deodorant on because I forgot to bring my own. Then I would smell like him all day long. He always thought I was a little weird for that, but I have no shame. I love his smell. :-)
I feel happy today. I'm rested, I've got boy smell on me, I got all my shit done at work last night so I can proudly report my progress today, and I arrived at the office early, which means I get to go home early and have the whole evening to myself. Yay!
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
"Summer Girls" And Other Music Memories
This morning the radio station was introducing a list of "The 5 Whitest Songs Ever Recorded."
Not on the list, but receiving an honorable mention was "Summer Girls" by LFO. I hadn't heard this song in years!!! It's one of those songs that's so incredibly ridiculous that I love it just because it makes me laugh. And now it's stuck in my head.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r1dfEf1qOt4
New Kids On The Block had a bunch of hits
Chinese food makes me sick
And I think it's fly when girls stop by for the summer, for the summer
I like girls that wear Abercrombie and Fitch
I'd take her if I had one wish
But she's been gone since that summer, since that summer
The radio station is so right. This song has absolutely no soul whatsoever! But it brings back memories of being in college -- this was the summer between my Junior and Senior year -- 1999. Can't believe that was 10 years ago!
As I recall, there were a lot of mindless but memorable songs popular around 1998-1999.
... Baby One More Time (Britney Spears)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_bsniYwSaWg
Who can forget the very first Britney single? Remember the school girl outfit? I remember watching this video and thinking, "holy shit, that's the little girl from the Mickey Mouse Club!" Little did I know that more of them would surface afterwards... Christina, Justin, J.C., Kerri Russel, Ryan Gosling...
Genie In A Bottle (Christina Aguilera)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WG_m6h-XvMo
... And the second Mouseketeer appears on the scene.
The Bad Touch (The Bloodhound Gang)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iTW8oUV8Aq0
Often referred to as "The Discovery Channel Song." The guys I went to college with really, really, really got into this song. Really.
Believe (Cher)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B5xsiKBJGW4
Didn't this song kinda revitalize Cher's career? I still hear it all over the place. I can't forget the huge blonde wig and blue contact lenses. Drag queens rejoice!
Candy (Mandy Moore)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_e4e-eXWbbs
I remember thinking this was such over-produced studio drivel. Remember the lime green VW "new" beetle? I used to hate how she pronounced "candy". Cand-ay-yay-yay Ugh. But it totally launched Mandy Moore's career.
Every Morning (Sugar Ray)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HWpp2SIWbnE
Ah, who could forget Sugar Ray? They had a number of lovable fluffly pop songs, then they disappeared. Then Mark McGrath popped up as the host on that Pussycat Dolls show a couple years ago. Now he's hosting Extra.
Larger Than Life (Backstreet Boys)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uewJN__RykY
Okay, I'll admit it... I actually liked this song. I might have been somewhat of a closet Backstreet Boys fan. Like all boy bands, I hate the sappy "crying about a girl" songs, but I tend to really like the upbeat dance songs. The Backstreet Boys had some well-written pop tunes, even though many were musically trivial.
Livin' la Vida Loca (Ricky Martin)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MmwzEhwScug
Enough said.
Bills, Bills, Bills (Destiny's Child)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sgiiRuEWoYY
I remember some of my guy friends hating this song because they thought it was about women expecting men to pay for anything and everything they wanted. Actually, Destiny's Child was all about female empowerment, which I appreciated, but for me, their songs fell somewhere between catchy, danceable fun, and seriously nauseating.
Everything Is Everything (Lauryn Hill)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qGUsF-Whb1g
Whatever happened to Lauryn Hill???
Mambo No. 5 (Lou Bega)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hfvJOL1gpic
I always hated this song, but I still hear it sometimes. The lyrics are repulsive and mind-numbing, but it's got a catchy beat and a retro vibe. Damn you, Lou Bega.
No Scrubs (TLC)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Av7m_Pgt1S8
Like Summer Girls, this song made me laugh with delight because I thought it was so stupidly silly. I don't want no scrubs, a scrub is a guy that can't get no love from me, hangin' out the passenger side of his best friend's ride, tryin' to holler at me! Hell yeah.
Praise You (Fatboy Slim)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ULVQOneeZE
Remember the music video for this? It was classic, in a stupid "routing for the underdog" sort of way. They still play this on the radio in my area on a regular basis.
What's My Age Again (Blink-182)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rCjbphQH2iE
Their lyrics were humorous, their songs were catchy. Apparently they're trying to make a come back now. I'd just be happy if Angels & Airwaves disappeared for good.
The World Is Not Enough (Garbage)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tYbLR67_F9E
This was the last Pierce Brosnan Bond movie that I saw in the theater. The line "Christmas only comes once a year" was enough to drive me away from the series forever. Thank Gods for Daniel Craig. In addition, this was the last time I saw Garbage in the limelight. I love Garbage. It was the height of their popularity when this movie came out, but after this, they released the album Beautiful Garbage, and it all went downhill from there. (I still love the song Bleed Like Me, even though nobody else seems to.)
Coffee & TV (Blur)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kWUil383us4
Okay, so I'm only mentioning this for the video with the little claymation milk carton. Was that not the best? I love Blur, but in the U.S., the only song of theirs anyone seems to remember is Song 2. Occasionally my local radio station plays Girls & Boys.
Canned Heat (Jamiroquai)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hGjC0wbUXzk
No matter how cheesy and faux-disco it sounds, it makes me smile and gets me moving. I can't listen to this without dancing. I freakin' love this song! (Sort of reminds me of Disco Stu from The Simpsons. "Disco Stu likes disco music.")
Ahh.... There was some "good" music out during those years. Almost makes me want to create a new mix or playlist of music from 1999. Maybe I'll do one for each year during the last decade. That would be fun. :)
There, I'm done being nostalgic now.
Not on the list, but receiving an honorable mention was "Summer Girls" by LFO. I hadn't heard this song in years!!! It's one of those songs that's so incredibly ridiculous that I love it just because it makes me laugh. And now it's stuck in my head.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r1dfEf1qOt4
New Kids On The Block had a bunch of hits
Chinese food makes me sick
And I think it's fly when girls stop by for the summer, for the summer
I like girls that wear Abercrombie and Fitch
I'd take her if I had one wish
But she's been gone since that summer, since that summer
The radio station is so right. This song has absolutely no soul whatsoever! But it brings back memories of being in college -- this was the summer between my Junior and Senior year -- 1999. Can't believe that was 10 years ago!
As I recall, there were a lot of mindless but memorable songs popular around 1998-1999.
... Baby One More Time (Britney Spears)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_bsniYwSaWg
Who can forget the very first Britney single? Remember the school girl outfit? I remember watching this video and thinking, "holy shit, that's the little girl from the Mickey Mouse Club!" Little did I know that more of them would surface afterwards... Christina, Justin, J.C., Kerri Russel, Ryan Gosling...
Genie In A Bottle (Christina Aguilera)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WG_m6h-XvMo
... And the second Mouseketeer appears on the scene.
The Bad Touch (The Bloodhound Gang)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iTW8oUV8Aq0
Often referred to as "The Discovery Channel Song." The guys I went to college with really, really, really got into this song. Really.
Believe (Cher)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B5xsiKBJGW4
Didn't this song kinda revitalize Cher's career? I still hear it all over the place. I can't forget the huge blonde wig and blue contact lenses. Drag queens rejoice!
Candy (Mandy Moore)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_e4e-eXWbbs
I remember thinking this was such over-produced studio drivel. Remember the lime green VW "new" beetle? I used to hate how she pronounced "candy". Cand-ay-yay-yay Ugh. But it totally launched Mandy Moore's career.
Every Morning (Sugar Ray)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HWpp2SIWbnE
Ah, who could forget Sugar Ray? They had a number of lovable fluffly pop songs, then they disappeared. Then Mark McGrath popped up as the host on that Pussycat Dolls show a couple years ago. Now he's hosting Extra.
Larger Than Life (Backstreet Boys)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uewJN__RykY
Okay, I'll admit it... I actually liked this song. I might have been somewhat of a closet Backstreet Boys fan. Like all boy bands, I hate the sappy "crying about a girl" songs, but I tend to really like the upbeat dance songs. The Backstreet Boys had some well-written pop tunes, even though many were musically trivial.
Livin' la Vida Loca (Ricky Martin)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MmwzEhwScug
Enough said.
Bills, Bills, Bills (Destiny's Child)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sgiiRuEWoYY
I remember some of my guy friends hating this song because they thought it was about women expecting men to pay for anything and everything they wanted. Actually, Destiny's Child was all about female empowerment, which I appreciated, but for me, their songs fell somewhere between catchy, danceable fun, and seriously nauseating.
Everything Is Everything (Lauryn Hill)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qGUsF-Whb1g
Whatever happened to Lauryn Hill???
Mambo No. 5 (Lou Bega)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hfvJOL1gpic
I always hated this song, but I still hear it sometimes. The lyrics are repulsive and mind-numbing, but it's got a catchy beat and a retro vibe. Damn you, Lou Bega.
No Scrubs (TLC)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Av7m_Pgt1S8
Like Summer Girls, this song made me laugh with delight because I thought it was so stupidly silly. I don't want no scrubs, a scrub is a guy that can't get no love from me, hangin' out the passenger side of his best friend's ride, tryin' to holler at me! Hell yeah.
Praise You (Fatboy Slim)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ULVQOneeZE
Remember the music video for this? It was classic, in a stupid "routing for the underdog" sort of way. They still play this on the radio in my area on a regular basis.
What's My Age Again (Blink-182)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rCjbphQH2iE
Their lyrics were humorous, their songs were catchy. Apparently they're trying to make a come back now. I'd just be happy if Angels & Airwaves disappeared for good.
The World Is Not Enough (Garbage)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tYbLR67_F9E
This was the last Pierce Brosnan Bond movie that I saw in the theater. The line "Christmas only comes once a year" was enough to drive me away from the series forever. Thank Gods for Daniel Craig. In addition, this was the last time I saw Garbage in the limelight. I love Garbage. It was the height of their popularity when this movie came out, but after this, they released the album Beautiful Garbage, and it all went downhill from there. (I still love the song Bleed Like Me, even though nobody else seems to.)
Coffee & TV (Blur)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kWUil383us4
Okay, so I'm only mentioning this for the video with the little claymation milk carton. Was that not the best? I love Blur, but in the U.S., the only song of theirs anyone seems to remember is Song 2. Occasionally my local radio station plays Girls & Boys.
Canned Heat (Jamiroquai)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hGjC0wbUXzk
No matter how cheesy and faux-disco it sounds, it makes me smile and gets me moving. I can't listen to this without dancing. I freakin' love this song! (Sort of reminds me of Disco Stu from The Simpsons. "Disco Stu likes disco music.")
Ahh.... There was some "good" music out during those years. Almost makes me want to create a new mix or playlist of music from 1999. Maybe I'll do one for each year during the last decade. That would be fun. :)
There, I'm done being nostalgic now.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Bad Timing Is My Curse
I've got this problem at work I need to solve. It's stopping me from moving forward on my project. But I can't concentrate on fixing it because I'm completely exhausted and distracted.
...
Yesterday was supposed to be the last day, but it wasn't. In the middle of the day, the boy was told that he could go home for the night. Great news -- an unexpected evening with the boy, extra time to spend together, and one last night to sleep next to him, warm and comfortable.
Of course, it also meant that I had to get up early again today to drive him back to the armory. It wasn't quite as early as yesterday - this time we were up at 4:30am and in the car before 5:00am.
On the way there, out of the blue, he said "I regret my decision."
"What decision?" I asked. I was expecting it to be his decision to join the Army.
"Waiting to get married until I get back."
"Oh..." My heart sank and I just about teared up, but I tried not to show it. "Why?"
"I wish we had gotten married before I left. But it's only a year, we can make it. Or maybe if I get leave, we can get married then."
I had to work hard to choke back my frustration.
This is something the boy and I have talked about repeatedly ever since we first acknowledged that we're in love, when we started talking about sharing our lives together.
Initially, we wanted to wait because we wanted to live together before we got married. I'm a big proponent of this and so is the boy. I want to know for sure that I can live peacefully with someone before I commit to sharing my life with him.
But then we moved in together, and we found out that we get along extraordinarily well. My apartment used to be a place where I stayed and kept my stuff, but now with the boy there, it actually feels like a real home. I love it and I wouldn't have it any other way.
The boy's other reason for waiting is that he doesn't want to make me a widow. I have never agreed with his rationale on this, in fact I think it's kind of retarded, and I've told him as much. But his mind is made up.
First off, he wants me to have faith that he's coming back to me, right? So how can he even talk about me becoming a widow? I guess he means it in a "hope for the best, plan for the worst" sort of way, but I hate it.
Secondly, I would much rather get married and end up a widow than never have the opportunity to be his wife at all.
But regardless of all that... when we talk about not getting married because I might become a widow, we're totally getting bogged down by the what if's. I've been trying really hard to stop doing that, and the boy's been giving me all kinds of encouragement. He wants me to focus on my day to day activities instead of being worried about him all the time. He doesn't want to think of me having a hard time back home, he wants to know that I'm okay. And I fully understand how that would be better for both of us.
But if what I want in my heart is to be his wife, and I think about that every time I look at the ring on my finger, and I know the only reason why it's not happening is because of a "what if"... well... it makes it a lot easier for me to focus on other what if's, and a lot harder to focus on what's in front of me.
When I realized that this was my mindset, I was a little surprised at myself. I've never been in a hurry to get married before, so why now? Why do I want this so badly? I actually made a mental list...
He is my match.
I love him more than I've ever loved anyone.
I can't imagine ever being with anyone else.
I love living with him.
He is my partner and I always want him to be.
I want him to be my family.
I want us to have children.
Obvious reasons, right?
Then I stumbled onto some not-so-obvious reasons...
I want him to stop doubting, to stop being afraid that I'm going to leave him while he's gone. He says he trusts me, and I know he does, but he can't help it... soldiers get the idea of Jody stealing their woman drilled into their heads on a routine basis. It has made him paranoid. Somehow I think if we were married, he might feel more secure.
I'm also scared for myself that I might not be strong enough to make it through this. The idea of being married to him gives me added strength, to know that we could be one unit. A team. Nothing will ever break us. Maybe that would give us both the extra push we need to stay motivated and focused to make it through this year.
And, somewhat selfishly, I want people to stop thinking of him as my boyfriend. I know I shouldn't care what other people think, but on this particular issue, I do.
"Boyfriend" is a term I use to describe the guy I'm dating. I don't know if I'm still going to be with that guy a year from now, or even 6 months from now. "Boyfriends" are people I've been with in the past, people I maybe thought I loved, people I lived with, but never people I was absolutely certain about. There were always questions. There was always doubt.
The boy is most definitely NOT a "boyfriend" and I don't think he ever has been. We had a strong connection on the first night we met. I always knew he was different and special. And when we fell in love, that was it. I never wanted to be with anyone else, ever again. In my heart, I already see him as my husband. I want everyone else to see him in the same way I see him. He's not some guy I'm dating, he's my partner for life.
Once again I surprised myself. I feel very strongly about this. I want to be his wife. I haven't felt this strongly about anything in... a long time? Maybe never? I've just never been in a situation that felt so natural and so right. It feels like we're supposed to married, like it's just plain meant to be.
Is it weird that I feel this way? Sometimes I think I'm just being overly dramatic, and other times I feel like this is the way it is - I feel this way for a reason, and it means a lot to me.
The boy and I have talked about this so many times, and every time, we say the same things to each other.
"I understand what you're saying, but I just don't agree."
We both say it. Sometimes I wonder if we're even listening to each other anymore. No matter how I try to explain what I'm feeling, I can't seem to get it across adequately. He's probably felt the same way.
Oddly enough, this is the only major disagreement we've had. We know we're getting married, we just argue about when, and it continues to be a sticking point. I always feel like the loser in the argument. I don't like someone else deciding for me. I like to be in control of what's happening in my life. At the very least, I like to be part of a negotiation and compromise. But he hasn't been willing to compromise on this. He's been very clear and very persistent. We will not get married until after he returns from Iraq.
So when he told me today that he regrets his decision, a decision he has been stubbornly sticking to for months, I had a big jumble of mixed up feelings. I was happy because maybe we finally see eye to eye. I was angry because I wish he could have been more open to my feelings at a time when we could have done something about it. I was sad because I still can't have what I want... it's too late now. We have to wait for a year.
At the same time, I really didn't understand where his change of heart was coming from, and unfortunately we didn't have time to talk about it. I wish I knew why he changed his mind. He was so adamant for so long, and nothing I said could sway him. So why now? What's different?
And the ultimate question, for me at least, is what do I do with this information? It really, really bugs me. I keep thinking about it. Obviously I can't do this over the long term, or I'm going to drive myself crazy.
Part of me wants to get all the paperwork together and see if he'll agree to get married when he comes home at the end of this first training. He'll only be here for a few days, but we might be able to do it.
Another part of me thinks it would be silly to rush it like that. Maybe we should just wait like he wanted to in the first place, and stick to our plan of getting married when he comes home in 2010.
I keep asking myself, is there any point now? What would it be like to get married and then have him leave days or even hours afterwards? Is there any point to being married if you don't get to spend any time together as husband and wife for the first year? Is it better to wait until you can actually be together? Or is the knowledge enough? Is it okay that we don't see each other for the first year if we both know in our hearts that we're partners for life? Is that knowledge enough to make us both stronger, even over great distance?
I don't know... I'm still undecided on everything. How should I feel? How should I handle it? Should I go after what I want, or just try my very best to ignore the frustration for a year?
I wish he hadn't told me that today. I was already frustrated thinking about it, probably more than he understood, and now that I know he feels the way he does, it's all the more painful.
No... I'm glad he said something. I'd hate for him to go away and be thinking about this, wishing he had told me.
Clearly I've got some more processing to do.
All I want is to be his wife.
...
I still haven't fixed my problem at work.
I'm still exhausted.
I'm still distracted.
And I miss my boy.
I just want to go home.
...
Yesterday was supposed to be the last day, but it wasn't. In the middle of the day, the boy was told that he could go home for the night. Great news -- an unexpected evening with the boy, extra time to spend together, and one last night to sleep next to him, warm and comfortable.
Of course, it also meant that I had to get up early again today to drive him back to the armory. It wasn't quite as early as yesterday - this time we were up at 4:30am and in the car before 5:00am.
On the way there, out of the blue, he said "I regret my decision."
"What decision?" I asked. I was expecting it to be his decision to join the Army.
"Waiting to get married until I get back."
"Oh..." My heart sank and I just about teared up, but I tried not to show it. "Why?"
"I wish we had gotten married before I left. But it's only a year, we can make it. Or maybe if I get leave, we can get married then."
I had to work hard to choke back my frustration.
This is something the boy and I have talked about repeatedly ever since we first acknowledged that we're in love, when we started talking about sharing our lives together.
Initially, we wanted to wait because we wanted to live together before we got married. I'm a big proponent of this and so is the boy. I want to know for sure that I can live peacefully with someone before I commit to sharing my life with him.
But then we moved in together, and we found out that we get along extraordinarily well. My apartment used to be a place where I stayed and kept my stuff, but now with the boy there, it actually feels like a real home. I love it and I wouldn't have it any other way.
The boy's other reason for waiting is that he doesn't want to make me a widow. I have never agreed with his rationale on this, in fact I think it's kind of retarded, and I've told him as much. But his mind is made up.
First off, he wants me to have faith that he's coming back to me, right? So how can he even talk about me becoming a widow? I guess he means it in a "hope for the best, plan for the worst" sort of way, but I hate it.
Secondly, I would much rather get married and end up a widow than never have the opportunity to be his wife at all.
But regardless of all that... when we talk about not getting married because I might become a widow, we're totally getting bogged down by the what if's. I've been trying really hard to stop doing that, and the boy's been giving me all kinds of encouragement. He wants me to focus on my day to day activities instead of being worried about him all the time. He doesn't want to think of me having a hard time back home, he wants to know that I'm okay. And I fully understand how that would be better for both of us.
But if what I want in my heart is to be his wife, and I think about that every time I look at the ring on my finger, and I know the only reason why it's not happening is because of a "what if"... well... it makes it a lot easier for me to focus on other what if's, and a lot harder to focus on what's in front of me.
When I realized that this was my mindset, I was a little surprised at myself. I've never been in a hurry to get married before, so why now? Why do I want this so badly? I actually made a mental list...
He is my match.
I love him more than I've ever loved anyone.
I can't imagine ever being with anyone else.
I love living with him.
He is my partner and I always want him to be.
I want him to be my family.
I want us to have children.
Obvious reasons, right?
Then I stumbled onto some not-so-obvious reasons...
I want him to stop doubting, to stop being afraid that I'm going to leave him while he's gone. He says he trusts me, and I know he does, but he can't help it... soldiers get the idea of Jody stealing their woman drilled into their heads on a routine basis. It has made him paranoid. Somehow I think if we were married, he might feel more secure.
I'm also scared for myself that I might not be strong enough to make it through this. The idea of being married to him gives me added strength, to know that we could be one unit. A team. Nothing will ever break us. Maybe that would give us both the extra push we need to stay motivated and focused to make it through this year.
And, somewhat selfishly, I want people to stop thinking of him as my boyfriend. I know I shouldn't care what other people think, but on this particular issue, I do.
"Boyfriend" is a term I use to describe the guy I'm dating. I don't know if I'm still going to be with that guy a year from now, or even 6 months from now. "Boyfriends" are people I've been with in the past, people I maybe thought I loved, people I lived with, but never people I was absolutely certain about. There were always questions. There was always doubt.
The boy is most definitely NOT a "boyfriend" and I don't think he ever has been. We had a strong connection on the first night we met. I always knew he was different and special. And when we fell in love, that was it. I never wanted to be with anyone else, ever again. In my heart, I already see him as my husband. I want everyone else to see him in the same way I see him. He's not some guy I'm dating, he's my partner for life.
Once again I surprised myself. I feel very strongly about this. I want to be his wife. I haven't felt this strongly about anything in... a long time? Maybe never? I've just never been in a situation that felt so natural and so right. It feels like we're supposed to married, like it's just plain meant to be.
Is it weird that I feel this way? Sometimes I think I'm just being overly dramatic, and other times I feel like this is the way it is - I feel this way for a reason, and it means a lot to me.
The boy and I have talked about this so many times, and every time, we say the same things to each other.
"I understand what you're saying, but I just don't agree."
We both say it. Sometimes I wonder if we're even listening to each other anymore. No matter how I try to explain what I'm feeling, I can't seem to get it across adequately. He's probably felt the same way.
Oddly enough, this is the only major disagreement we've had. We know we're getting married, we just argue about when, and it continues to be a sticking point. I always feel like the loser in the argument. I don't like someone else deciding for me. I like to be in control of what's happening in my life. At the very least, I like to be part of a negotiation and compromise. But he hasn't been willing to compromise on this. He's been very clear and very persistent. We will not get married until after he returns from Iraq.
So when he told me today that he regrets his decision, a decision he has been stubbornly sticking to for months, I had a big jumble of mixed up feelings. I was happy because maybe we finally see eye to eye. I was angry because I wish he could have been more open to my feelings at a time when we could have done something about it. I was sad because I still can't have what I want... it's too late now. We have to wait for a year.
At the same time, I really didn't understand where his change of heart was coming from, and unfortunately we didn't have time to talk about it. I wish I knew why he changed his mind. He was so adamant for so long, and nothing I said could sway him. So why now? What's different?
And the ultimate question, for me at least, is what do I do with this information? It really, really bugs me. I keep thinking about it. Obviously I can't do this over the long term, or I'm going to drive myself crazy.
Part of me wants to get all the paperwork together and see if he'll agree to get married when he comes home at the end of this first training. He'll only be here for a few days, but we might be able to do it.
Another part of me thinks it would be silly to rush it like that. Maybe we should just wait like he wanted to in the first place, and stick to our plan of getting married when he comes home in 2010.
I keep asking myself, is there any point now? What would it be like to get married and then have him leave days or even hours afterwards? Is there any point to being married if you don't get to spend any time together as husband and wife for the first year? Is it better to wait until you can actually be together? Or is the knowledge enough? Is it okay that we don't see each other for the first year if we both know in our hearts that we're partners for life? Is that knowledge enough to make us both stronger, even over great distance?
I don't know... I'm still undecided on everything. How should I feel? How should I handle it? Should I go after what I want, or just try my very best to ignore the frustration for a year?
I wish he hadn't told me that today. I was already frustrated thinking about it, probably more than he understood, and now that I know he feels the way he does, it's all the more painful.
No... I'm glad he said something. I'd hate for him to go away and be thinking about this, wishing he had told me.
Clearly I've got some more processing to do.
All I want is to be his wife.
...
I still haven't fixed my problem at work.
I'm still exhausted.
I'm still distracted.
And I miss my boy.
I just want to go home.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Today's The Day
I've calmed my complaints and accepted the situation. For now. Because it's only the first day, and I haven't been without him long enough to start whining yet.
We left before 4:00am this morning to drive the boy to the armory. We got there early and had some time to snuggle in the car before he had to meet his squad. We kissed goodbye, and then he disappeared into the sea of uniforms.
On my way out, I saw a uniform on a motorcycle being pulled over by the same cop we saw patrolling the area earlier. I snickered at his misfortune. That cop must have been looking specifically for speeding soldiers. Why else would he hang out right in front the armory? Good thing I wasn't speeding when I came in...
The sun came up while I was driving home. The gray dew and mist gradually turned into full color beauty. I saw Mt. Hood, Mt. Jefferson, and a tiny glimpse of Mt. St. Helens. Jupiter was in the sky, and Mars was hanging just above the horizon. It was a lovely drive, but about half way home I started getting drowsy. Who the hell gets up at 3:30am anyway?
I slept for a couple more hours after I got home, then went out to return some DVDs and get coffee and donuts. Vista Roth's makes the best maple bar in town!
It's so amazing outside today. It's sunny and warm, the birds are chirping, the flowers are in bloom... it's really spring! Almost makes me wish I was on the mountain or at the coast, except all I really feel like doing is being a hermit indoors. I couldn't get home from my errands fast enough. I opened a few windows so the cats and I can enjoy the weather from the comfort of our little cave. I am so ready for a lazy day at home. (Currently watching the Mythbusters Jaws special.)
The boy will stay at the armory tonight then fly out to California early tomorrow morning. He'll be gone for about 3 and a half weeks. He'll have his phone the whole time, and he's got internet service on it now, so I expect we'll be able to keep in touch fairly easily.
After that, he'll be home on leave for 4 days before he flies out to Georgia in May. That will be the last time I see him for the next year, except possibly for 2 weeks leave sometime during his deployment, if/when he gets it. We're still not sure about that.
We went to a town hall meeting last night where we got all kinds of useful information about living conditions in Kuwait and Iraq, the type of work the boy will be doing while he's there, and what to expect when he comes home. One of Oregon's senators even spoke, faithfully towing the party line using the latest media-friendly buzzwords and phrases.
"... which is why I didn't vote for the big bank bailout!"
*massive applause*
(Um... did that person's question have anything at all to do with the bailout??? Hrm...)
Here's a few interesting factoids about American food in the middle east.
There's a Starbucks in Kuwait.
Several fast food chains follow the military in Iraq, including Subway, McDonald's, and Pizza Hut, but apparently they don't quite taste the same as they do at home.
None of these places will serve pork of any kind. Evidently Muslims are not supposed to eat or handle pork products. I did not know this. The boy said I can't even send pork jerky in the mail.
Pizza Hut without pepperoni, sausage, or ham? What do they put on pizza over there? Must be all cheese and veggie. And Subway? No BMT or Spicy Italian? I hope turkey and chicken are still options.
Fortunately the boy isn't a huge fan of bacon like I am. If someone told me I couldn't eat bacon for an entire year, I think I'd cry.
Anyway, I'm pretty well prepared for the next 3+ weeks. My plan is to work, play Warcraft, sleep, and possibly hit the occasional happy hour with my coworkers. I might also see some movies. This time will go by fast. It's the time after that that worries me, although my best course of action is to deal with that when it gets here, and then just take it one day at a time. For now, I'm going to focus on what's in front of me.
Um... please pass the bacon. Is there chocolate for dessert?
We left before 4:00am this morning to drive the boy to the armory. We got there early and had some time to snuggle in the car before he had to meet his squad. We kissed goodbye, and then he disappeared into the sea of uniforms.
On my way out, I saw a uniform on a motorcycle being pulled over by the same cop we saw patrolling the area earlier. I snickered at his misfortune. That cop must have been looking specifically for speeding soldiers. Why else would he hang out right in front the armory? Good thing I wasn't speeding when I came in...
The sun came up while I was driving home. The gray dew and mist gradually turned into full color beauty. I saw Mt. Hood, Mt. Jefferson, and a tiny glimpse of Mt. St. Helens. Jupiter was in the sky, and Mars was hanging just above the horizon. It was a lovely drive, but about half way home I started getting drowsy. Who the hell gets up at 3:30am anyway?
I slept for a couple more hours after I got home, then went out to return some DVDs and get coffee and donuts. Vista Roth's makes the best maple bar in town!
It's so amazing outside today. It's sunny and warm, the birds are chirping, the flowers are in bloom... it's really spring! Almost makes me wish I was on the mountain or at the coast, except all I really feel like doing is being a hermit indoors. I couldn't get home from my errands fast enough. I opened a few windows so the cats and I can enjoy the weather from the comfort of our little cave. I am so ready for a lazy day at home. (Currently watching the Mythbusters Jaws special.)
The boy will stay at the armory tonight then fly out to California early tomorrow morning. He'll be gone for about 3 and a half weeks. He'll have his phone the whole time, and he's got internet service on it now, so I expect we'll be able to keep in touch fairly easily.
After that, he'll be home on leave for 4 days before he flies out to Georgia in May. That will be the last time I see him for the next year, except possibly for 2 weeks leave sometime during his deployment, if/when he gets it. We're still not sure about that.
We went to a town hall meeting last night where we got all kinds of useful information about living conditions in Kuwait and Iraq, the type of work the boy will be doing while he's there, and what to expect when he comes home. One of Oregon's senators even spoke, faithfully towing the party line using the latest media-friendly buzzwords and phrases.
"... which is why I didn't vote for the big bank bailout!"
*massive applause*
(Um... did that person's question have anything at all to do with the bailout??? Hrm...)
Here's a few interesting factoids about American food in the middle east.
There's a Starbucks in Kuwait.
Several fast food chains follow the military in Iraq, including Subway, McDonald's, and Pizza Hut, but apparently they don't quite taste the same as they do at home.
None of these places will serve pork of any kind. Evidently Muslims are not supposed to eat or handle pork products. I did not know this. The boy said I can't even send pork jerky in the mail.
Pizza Hut without pepperoni, sausage, or ham? What do they put on pizza over there? Must be all cheese and veggie. And Subway? No BMT or Spicy Italian? I hope turkey and chicken are still options.
Fortunately the boy isn't a huge fan of bacon like I am. If someone told me I couldn't eat bacon for an entire year, I think I'd cry.
Anyway, I'm pretty well prepared for the next 3+ weeks. My plan is to work, play Warcraft, sleep, and possibly hit the occasional happy hour with my coworkers. I might also see some movies. This time will go by fast. It's the time after that that worries me, although my best course of action is to deal with that when it gets here, and then just take it one day at a time. For now, I'm going to focus on what's in front of me.
Um... please pass the bacon. Is there chocolate for dessert?
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Ode to the Army
We wait for weeks to find out what day he's leaving, and we wait a few more days after that to find out exactly what time.
His gear isn't ready in time for his black box to ship out, and he doesn't know when it will arrive. He makes multiple phone calls to find out. Eventually he learns he will have to carry it all with him as he travels to training, including his helmet (which still doesn't have a cover), his vest (which is really heavy), and several other pieces of gear.
Okay, so we know what time he starts training. But... it's not the same day he flies out? So... what happens in the meantime?
Ah... clarification. The day training "starts" is actually the day he "starts getting ready" to go to training. Apparently it takes 4 days to get ready.
There's a dinner at 6pm the day after tomorrow. Is it required? Nobody knows. Finally someone says they don't think it is. Okay, so we won't go.
Text message at 8:00am this morning. Dinner at 6pm tonight, in a town an hour away from home. Can you be ready by 5pm?
I thought we weren't going? I guess I can try to get out of work at 4pm so I can go home and get ready.
But when I arrive at work, I discover there's a meeting scheduled from 3 to 5pm. Yeah... no way I can get out of that one.
Gosh, would have been nice to know about that dinner, say, maybe last week?
So does he get to come home after training tonight? Does he get to be home for the weekend??? A sergeant says he "thinks" there will be training each day during the weekend but he'll be able to come home in the evenings. He tells us not to quote him on that, as he doesn't actually know for sure, and it might get changed.
Oh, and he's under a new sergeant now. I think this is the third one? Maybe the fourth. He found out just one day before training.
Army, o Army.
I always laughed at the "military intelligence" joke, but now it takes on a whole new meaning.
You're never sure of anything until the last... possible... tiny... fraction of a second, are you?
Deployment in the first week of April.
The 5th.
The 6th?
The 2nd.
No it really is the 6th. But you still have to report on the 2nd.
What time?
They don't know yet. Wait and see.
And your gear better be packed and ready to ship before the 25th.
Of course, you have to have gear before you can pack it.
Minor details.
Now that I've talked to other people who have experience with the Army, I understand that this is standard operating procedure. The phrase I keep hearing is "hurry up and wait".
Gee, why didn't I think of that? Makes perfect sense, doesn't it?
[Andrea pops another crazy pill]
For once, we'd like to know what's going on before it actually happens. Maybe even like a week before. You know... time enough to plan, pack, rearrange work schedules, tell the family what they can expect.
But apparently the Army doesn't roll that way.
Army, o Army.
How I loathe thee.
If my boy wasn't committed to remaining among your ranks for the next 5+ years, I think I'd perform a prayer ceremony to curse thee. I'd even be willing to order up some "eye of newt" and "wing of bat" from the internet. You would most certainly burn with the fire of a thousand suns.
Instead, I am forced to support an institution that makes very little sense to me, and a war with a cause that's nebulous at best. I don't agree with any of it.
My tax dollars hard at work, and my future husband's life at stake.
The future of my family.
What if he dies? What if I never get the chance to be married to him? What if we never have children together? What if I lose the love of my life, so soon after finding him?
No time to think about that though. We're too busy waiting.
Waiting to find out what day, what time. Making phone calls, getting the run around.
Did I mention dinner?
Obviously these things are much more important.
The Army sure seems to think so.
His gear isn't ready in time for his black box to ship out, and he doesn't know when it will arrive. He makes multiple phone calls to find out. Eventually he learns he will have to carry it all with him as he travels to training, including his helmet (which still doesn't have a cover), his vest (which is really heavy), and several other pieces of gear.
Okay, so we know what time he starts training. But... it's not the same day he flies out? So... what happens in the meantime?
Ah... clarification. The day training "starts" is actually the day he "starts getting ready" to go to training. Apparently it takes 4 days to get ready.
There's a dinner at 6pm the day after tomorrow. Is it required? Nobody knows. Finally someone says they don't think it is. Okay, so we won't go.
Text message at 8:00am this morning. Dinner at 6pm tonight, in a town an hour away from home. Can you be ready by 5pm?
I thought we weren't going? I guess I can try to get out of work at 4pm so I can go home and get ready.
But when I arrive at work, I discover there's a meeting scheduled from 3 to 5pm. Yeah... no way I can get out of that one.
Gosh, would have been nice to know about that dinner, say, maybe last week?
So does he get to come home after training tonight? Does he get to be home for the weekend??? A sergeant says he "thinks" there will be training each day during the weekend but he'll be able to come home in the evenings. He tells us not to quote him on that, as he doesn't actually know for sure, and it might get changed.
Oh, and he's under a new sergeant now. I think this is the third one? Maybe the fourth. He found out just one day before training.
Army, o Army.
I always laughed at the "military intelligence" joke, but now it takes on a whole new meaning.
You're never sure of anything until the last... possible... tiny... fraction of a second, are you?
Deployment in the first week of April.
The 5th.
The 6th?
The 2nd.
No it really is the 6th. But you still have to report on the 2nd.
What time?
They don't know yet. Wait and see.
And your gear better be packed and ready to ship before the 25th.
Of course, you have to have gear before you can pack it.
Minor details.
Now that I've talked to other people who have experience with the Army, I understand that this is standard operating procedure. The phrase I keep hearing is "hurry up and wait".
Gee, why didn't I think of that? Makes perfect sense, doesn't it?
[Andrea pops another crazy pill]
For once, we'd like to know what's going on before it actually happens. Maybe even like a week before. You know... time enough to plan, pack, rearrange work schedules, tell the family what they can expect.
But apparently the Army doesn't roll that way.
Army, o Army.
How I loathe thee.
If my boy wasn't committed to remaining among your ranks for the next 5+ years, I think I'd perform a prayer ceremony to curse thee. I'd even be willing to order up some "eye of newt" and "wing of bat" from the internet. You would most certainly burn with the fire of a thousand suns.
Instead, I am forced to support an institution that makes very little sense to me, and a war with a cause that's nebulous at best. I don't agree with any of it.
My tax dollars hard at work, and my future husband's life at stake.
The future of my family.
What if he dies? What if I never get the chance to be married to him? What if we never have children together? What if I lose the love of my life, so soon after finding him?
No time to think about that though. We're too busy waiting.
Waiting to find out what day, what time. Making phone calls, getting the run around.
Did I mention dinner?
Obviously these things are much more important.
The Army sure seems to think so.
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