Black Holes and Revelations

So here we are again, another round of "what am I doing with my life?" This line of thinking inevitably leads down the path to "who am I?", "how do I define myself?", and the most dreaded of all, "what do I really want?"

If these questions keep coming back over and over again, it's because I keep tucking them away instead of facing them. Why am I so afraid to look myself in the eye? It always takes some external force to persuade me to examine myself. Or in this case, many external forces over the course of the last year, all culminating in recent unexpected events that in one way or another have turned my world upside down.

Repeated changes in my work environment.
My fucked up family.
The coworker on the verge of making a transition.
Watching my best friend treat me differently.
Various people getting engaged, getting married, having babies.
The lonely friend who comes in and out of my life.
My brother finding himself.
Learning that someone is in love with me, twice in one year.
Meeting someone amazing but saying goodbye much too soon and missing him terribly afterwards.
Conversations with other people who are stuck like me, some of whom are choosing to break out right now.

All of these things have affected me significantly, made me think, made me feel, made me wonder what is possible.

Here's what I know:

1.) I want a companion. I know this sounds like a pretty basic need for most people, but for me it's a huge realization. I spent years not feeling much of anything for anybody, for a whole boatload of reasons that I won't go into here. I honestly wasn't sure if I ever wanted to fall in love or be in a relationship ever again, and I was pretty damn sure I never wanted to get married. But now I know that I actually do feel lonely, I am capable of accepting someone's love, and I want to share my life with the right person.

2.) I want to sing. I have always, always been afraid to sing in front of other people. I have no problem regurgitating some random karaoke pop song (especially after a few beers), but to really truly sing with style and passion, and to let other people see what music does to me... that is very difficult. Especially for someone with a history of bottling up her feelings and not trusting anyone. It requires a level of honesty and exposure that I've been too terrified to reach for. Sure, I do it every day by myself in the car and around the house, but I still panic and can't breathe when someone puts me on the spot. I want to change that. There's gonna have to be a lot more karaoke and Rock Band to help me work up to it!

3.) I want to fix my broken body. I've already started doing this, I just have to maintain enough motivation to keep it up, and maybe even increase it. Our circuit training class at work has totally changed the way I feel. My gluten free diet, as much of a pain in the ass as it is to find food to eat, has totally improved my digestive function. Between the two, I haven't had nearly as many headaches or as much back pain. The last time I saw my chiropractor, he was stunned that I've remained so un-broken during the last 4 weeks. When I feel better, it makes me want to look better too. I want to wear clothes that fit. I want my complexion to be clear. I'm even thinking about getting my eyes sliced so I can stop wearing glasses.

4.) I need help and support from other people. Yeah, I know, another basic need for most people, but not so much for me. I was a loner to begin with, and getting hurt by people I've trusted has only made it worse. I really locked myself away for a few years, and I was convinced that it was the best thing for me. And at the time, it was -- I needed to be alone for a while. I'm glad I took that time to myself, but my friends, that time has passed. I understand now that I can't do any of this alone. As difficult as it is for me, I have to open up and let people in, or I simply won't make it. I don't think any of these realizations would've happened for me had it not been for the care and insight of other people. I only hope I've inspired others as much as they've inspired me.

Whew! That's a lot to chew on.

I still haven't answered the question of what I want to do with my life, but maybe that's not the right question to be asking. Maybe what I'm doing isn't as important as how I'm doing it. If I can get closer to the four things I listed above, I think I might actually be happy to get out of bed every day to face myself and the world.

Birth Control Survey

First, so you don't have to read all my blather if you don't want to, a survey.

If you've taken birth control pills (currently or in the past), and you're not bashful about sharing, please answer the following:

1.) What type/brand(s) of birth control pill have you taken?
2.) What did you like about it (positive benefits)?
3.) What did you dislike about it (negative side effects)?
4.) If you had negative side effects, were they so bad that you had to stop taking the pill?
5.) What other types of birth control have you used (condom, diaphragm, IUD, shot, patch, etc.), and why did you choose this instead of (or in addition to) the pill? In your opinion, was it better or worse than the pill?





Second, the explanation for why I'm seeking this information (a.k.a. the aforementioned blather).

Having... um... "relations" with the boy has renewed an old dreaded issue that I've been avoiding for a couple years now:

Birth control.

Why a couple years?

Because that's how long it's been since the last time I was with someone. Seriously, I'm just like Matilda in Zoolander.

Derek Zoolander: You mean, you haven't...
Matilda: Done it in a while, yeah.
Hansel: What's a while? Like eight days?

Well....... now that I've given in to the power of the tea, I realize that life would be a lot more safe and convenient if I was on the pill, not just now, but in the future. I mean, say this thing with the boy doesn't work out -- I'll probably still go on to find someone else, and when I do, I'm going to have the exact same issue. So I should just deal with it now.

The problem is, the last time I was on the pill, it made me very depressed, to the point where I was having panic attacks, and every little negative thing that happened was an emergent emotional catastrophe. I was tired all day, I had racing thoughts, I couldn't concentrate at work, etc., etc. That kind of depression basically makes me non-functional in every day life, and I just can't have that. I need to be able to get up every morning and be "normal" so I can go to my job, get my work done, socialize with people, and otherwise have "a life".

If I look back on my history of depressive episodes over the course of my life, I can link each one to a period of time when I was taking birth control pills. Each time (with the exception of the most recent "experiment"), I ended up taking anti-depressants, which made me feel horrible and not like myself. Eventually I'd get fed up with being on so many medications, and I would decide to stop taking them all, including the birth control. Just no more pills, period. Miraculously, my depression would get better.

My most recent attempt at taking birth control pills, the one I refer to as an "experiment," was exactly that. I wasn't seeing anyone at the time, and I hadn't experienced any depression for the last couple years prior. I took the pill just to see what would happen, to test my theory about the link with depression. Sure enough, the link was proven, and it was horrible. I continued taking the pill for 3 months, hoping the symptoms might fade after the first few weeks when my body adjusted to the change, but it just kept getting worse. At the end of the 3rd month, I stopped taking them, and my depression disappeared within a couple weeks.

So obviously going back on the pill is a significant issue for me. I think I should do it, because I don't want to get pregnant, and I like some of the side benefits of the pill -- a lighter period with fewer cramps, plus it clears up my complexion better than any topical medication. But the depression... I'm so afraid of it.

I hope gathering information from other bloggers might help me do some thinking, and I hope it might help others too. This is a subject we could all stand to learn more about. And of course, I will talk to my doctor about options. I just want to be armed with as much information as possible before I go to the doctor so I don't get talked into anything I don't really want.

Cleanse

I was excited.
I was restless.
I was anxious.
I paced.
I stared out the window.
I got lost in my day dreams.
I became overwhelmed.
I cried.
I slouched.
I hugged a pillow.
I watched a movie.
I felt happy.
I felt lucky.
I felt lonely.
I cried some more.
I obsessed with research.
I surfed.
I read.
I learned.
I felt dumb.
I felt afraid.
I felt hopeless.
I laid down.
I watched another movie.
I cried some more.
I squeezed the life out of that pillow.
I stared out the window again, now dark outside.
I thought.
I talked to myself aloud.
I talked to my cat, she listened intently.
I cried again.
I felt exhausted.
I cried harder.
I forced myself to get up and move.
I gathered my favorite crystals and put them under my pillow.
I lit some candles and incense.
I laid down in bed.
I thought.
I stared at the flickering candle light.
I cried.
I prayed to Mother Earth and Father Sky.
I buried my face in the bed.
I tensed up until my muscles hurt.
I made a resolution to myself.
I let go.
I relaxed.
I smiled.
I drifted.
I slept.
I was renewed.

I just needed to get it all out.

Unexpected

This morning I had a new message on myspace from the boy. I don't know how he managed to find an internet connection at 4:00am, under military supervision, but he did. He had been in a hotel since Monday, and early this morning, he flew to Oklahoma for training. He wanted to say goodbye one last time before he left.

I still haven't stopped thinking about him. I wonder how long this will last? Will I start to forget about him? I mean realistically, how much can I miss someone I only knew for two days? These feelings have to fade, right? Or will I keep thinking about him for the entire 4 months that he's gone? If I do, will we see each other when he comes back? How is that going to work? And how much worse will these feelings be when he gets deployed to Iraq?

The selfish part of me wishes he would wash out of boot camp so he can come home and never get sent to war. But I know that's not right. He made the choice to do this because it was what he wanted, and I'm proud of him for doing it.

But I still wish he was here. If I was wrapped in his arms right now, I would be so happy. I would be at peace.

Blah. How pathetic do I sound, blathering on about this boy? This isn't like me. Before this happened, I almost believed I was no longer capable of being affected this deeply by another human being. It had been so long, and I had become so guarded and so cold. But I was wrong. He surprised me.

It's strange how connections can happen in the most unexpected ways, and how they can change everything so completely.

I feel more lonely than ever.

Allusions Be Damned

He came back today. We talked for hours. I love talking with him.

The universe works in very mysterious ways, doesn't it?

I went to a bar that I would normally never go to. I met this boy who's waaaaay too young for me. On a strange whim, I brought him home with me - totally uncharacteristic. I slept with him, which is what you'd expect when you bring someone home from a bar, but then... Then we talked, we spent time together, we connected. I actually kinda sorta fell for this guy. I wrote it off, even though I couldn't stop thinking about him, because I figured we'd never see each other again. Then he came back today, we spent more time together, and we connected even more strongly than before. Despite all the reasons why being with him could never possibly work, I'm fairly certain that I could fall in love him. Like really fall hard! Maybe a part of me already has. Oh but he's leaving tomorrow to go to boot camp for the next 4 months, and then he's going to war. Fucking Iraq!

Could this be any more wrong? How could the universe drop this boy in my lap like this, only to take him away so swiftly? Even if he wasn't going away, it would still be wrong. In terms of background, family, personal culture, and nearly everything else, we come from completely different places. The age difference alone makes my head spin. But when we talk, there is no difference. Sure, high school was more recent for him, but aside from chronology, we're actually on the same level. That's extremely odd for me because most guys who are my age and even older aren't on my level. Yet somehow this boy is, in the most perfect way. He's wonderful! I just want to be wrapped up together with him forever.

I never expected any of this to happen. I did not go to the bar with the intention of picking up a guy. Even when I decided I wanted to spend the night with him, I didn't expect anything more than sex. Just a one night stand. I was just drunk enough for that to be okay, and that's all I wanted. But this... This was never supposed to happen.

On the other hand, I have been feeling lonely, and I DID say I wanted someone to hold me and make me feel safe. I guess I should've been more careful about what I wished for, because I got everything I wanted, and then some.

He is beautiful in every way possible, and I want him. Am I just confused? Am I just overly excited about him because I was lonely before? Or is this real?

I guess we'll see if I still feel this way when he gets back from training. But he'll only be home for a couple months before he gets sent into active duty. What happens then?

Why do things have to be so complicated?

Tequila, Cigarettes and Sex

I brought a boy home with me from the bar last night.

He was a beautiful firefighter with massive arms - he could literally bench press me. He was sweet, kind, generous, and honorable. He was very young - nearly 10 years younger than me, but he had a perceptive wisdom beyond his years. He saw right through me, all my weaknesses and vulnerabilities, yet he made me feel protected and safe. We laid together for hours just holding onto each other, staring and admiring one another. It was amazing. It was exactly what we both needed.

The heart breaker?

He leaves for basic training on Monday. He's going to be an artillery scout in the army. They're sending him to Iraq in April.

I hate to think of a person with so much inner goodness being sent to war. It almost makes me cry. What if he gets killed? What if being in that environment changes him? What if he loses his kind sweetness and becomes hardened with anger?

He's asked himself the same questions, and he's afraid too. But this is what he wants. He is strong and he is ready for the challenge.

I hope he can stay strong enough to make it through and still come out with his best qualities intact. He really is a beautiful person, not just physically, but everything inside. In a small way, he actually restored my faith in the male gender. He'll make a great husband and father someday.

But not with me. Even if he wasn't leaving on Monday, I never had any allusions that this would be more than a one night stand. I knew what I was doing, and so did he. We picked each other for a reason. But I think we both got more than we planned. We met as two strangers looking for one night of reckless abandon, and instead we found a real personal connection.

He told me it was the first time he had ever laid next to someone for so many hours of conversation without getting bored. I melted into his arms and he held me tightly against his chest. I felt so warm, so cared for.

It was perfect.

Gods bless him and keep him safe. There are too few like him.

Did I mention that he's a firefighter with massive arms? Wow, holy man-muscles! I get a little flushed just thinking about it.

I wreak of alcohol and cigarettes, but I still smell his cologne and sweat all over me. Is it wrong that I don't want to take a shower? ^_~

That Old Black Magic

It's getting harder to concentrate and be productive at my job. It's getting harder to sleep at night. It's getting harder to pull myself out of bed each morning. It's getting harder to remove myself from the internet, the only place I feel safe reaching out.

Something's not right. Something is missing, I can feel it. This is all wrong. Everything. I know it is. I can't get over it. I can't stop thinking about it. I can't function because of it.

I want out. I want it all to stop. I want to run from it and hide. I want shelter and safety. I want my own space, away from everyone else. I want to sit quietly with my thoughts and not be on anyone else's schedule or agenda. I want to be free from all this.

But I want to be part of it too, for the sake of stretching it out. I want to dive in and splash around. I want to blend into the crowd, but I want everyone to see. I want to make an impression. I want to tear it all apart. Watch me while I self destruct and take you and your expectations with me.

I don't regret my life up to this point, but today, here and now, I must acknowledge that this is not where I want to be. This is not what I want. Any of it. If it feels wrong, that's because it is wrong.

The only real question left to ask is, where do I go from here, and how on earth do I get there?

Thank you, my friend, for your unintentional black inspiration. It is because of you that I have these little conversations with myself, now almost every day. You flipped the switch like it was a toy for your amusement, then you ran away to hide in your dark corner, far out of my reach. I am here alone with nothing but my thoughts, emotions, second guesses, and self doubt, always waiting for you to tell me something true.

And so the cycle continues.