This seems to be the theme of my last week. There must be a great conjunction happening right now. I'd better go check my pocket astrologer and see what's going on, because something is either very wrong, or... very right?
Two of my friends have discovered my blog. Well... let's be honest... it's my own fault that they're here. I told him about Mayonaise, he told her. He started a blog, I commented on it, so logically, he was going to find my blog. He told us both about each other's blogs. So there's no way we weren't all going to start talking to each other here, right? It had to happen.
At first I was a little apprehensive about them being here. I have intentionally kept my blog separate from myspace. I never wanted to cross the streams. This is where I come to be anonymous and dump out everything I've been thinking, without anyone I know in real life reading and judging. If my other friends knew about this place, it would no longer be safe for me to use it as an outlet without censoring myself. I came here so I wouldn't have to censor myself.
But now that they're here, I'm actually pretty excited. And I'm pretty sure I can trust them to keep it a secret, right guys? I love both of my friends, and it's been really fun talking to them here. You guys are welcome here any time. (The other little boy will be welcome here when I decide it's the right time to invite him.)
I just hope we can keep the peace between my friends who are new to this site, and those old veterans who have been here since the beginning. I have come to value and respect the opinions of the people I have met here, and of course I also value and respect the opinions of my two friends. I don't want to be caught in the middle of arguments between the two factions.
So please people. Keep it clean, ok? Don't try to make me choose sides, you know I won't do it. I never have before, and I'm not going to start now. That's not how I roll.
With that being said...
Party on, Wayne.
Party on, Garth.
And a Happy New Year to all!
Monday, December 31, 2007
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Reflection
Being on vacation during the holidays, spending a lot of time at home by myself, I've started to think about the people who have been part of my life during the last year. Here's a little something for each of you.
SJC-
When you were a baby, you used to wake me up at 6am with your screaming. You were all alone in your crib, and you just wanted someone near you. I would pick you up and put you in bed with me, and you would smile at me before falling asleep. That was our morning ritual. It was cute then because you were so tiny. But 15 years later, you haven't changed at all. You're still screaming for attention, and you're going to absurd lengths to get it. Why did you think you could get away with everything you've done? Believe me, I know how much it sucks to live at home. I grew up there too, and I hated it just as much as you do. But there's no excuse for how you've behaved. Do you know how much it hurt to see you spend your 15th birthday in juvenille detention? Or to see you spend Christmas in a foster home? It makes me ache inside. I wish we could go back to the days when you were tiny and I took care of you. We can never have that back. I just hope you get the help you need.
ML-
You wrote to me on myspace last week. You said you cared about me and really hoped I was doing well. You want a big reunion so we can all play cards together again. I haven't written you back yet. Honestly, I'm not sure how I should respond. I mean, what do you want me to say? Gee, thanks so much for thinking of me, I'm doing fantastic, I'm so happy your life turned out to be just peachy after all these years, how's your new wife? I'm not going to lie to you. But I'm not sure if I want to tell you the truth either. Is it worth the effort? Do you want to know that my back still hurts every day? Do you want to know that I'm still depressed? Does it matter to you that I had a string of fucked up relationships after you, because of you, and I'm still not over what happened? Would it mean anything to you if I said I've never loved anyone as fully or intensely as I loved you, even though you hurt me more than anyone else ever could have? No, I'm not ready to explain that to you. Nearly 10 years later, it's still fresh to me. Your email will go unanswered a while longer.
JC (one of the Omak boys)-
Even though I haven't seen you in years, getting email from ML makes me think about you. You will never know how you saved me during one of the darkest times in my life. You took me in and sheltered me when no one else would step up and be a man. And for that, they all but crucified you. To this day, I regret the way they treated you, most of all because it was my fault. You'll always be one of the heroes in my life. I really don't think I'd be here today if it weren't for you. I wish I could tell you that. Maybe someday I'll get the chance.
JPC-
You just couldn't get it right, could you? I'm not even sure what to say to you. The frustration and anger is still too near and I haven't finished clearing out my brain or my heart yet. All I know for sure is that your sense of trust and integrity is somewhat lacking, and I paid the price for it over and over again. Walking away from you was the best thing I've done for myself in a long, long time. I do miss the cats though.
KM-
It's always weird for me when we hang out. I wonder if you realize what kind of damage you did. You were the one who pushed me over the edge, although JPC gave you a good head start. I still like you. I still think you're beautiful, intelligent, and fun to be around. But in all honesty, I laugh inside when you make comments about me looking hot or being cute, or when you offer to have me stay over at your place. Even though I enjoy our friendship as it is now, I'll never let you have the upper hand again.
TPN-
I don't know if you know it, but you're my best friend. You and I spend so much time together, and we know so much about each other. I've totally got your number. It cracks me up when people assume that we're "together". I can see how they might think that, but man... I would totally kill you if we were in a relationship, and I'm pretty sure you would kill me too. We're so different from one another in so many ways. I often wonder how we came to be friends at all. Somehow it just works. So many ill-fated trips to the mountain, lunches at Taco Bell, and late night bitching about work. I appreciate and respect our quirky friendship more than you know.
TO-
I miss the IM chats we used to have! I think about you a lot and hope that you are happy in life. I'm really glad I came to visit you, although I still feel sad when I think about all you went through during that time. What a bunch of dickhead guys, all of them. You are a very smart, very strong and capable woman, and I really think you can do whatever you want in life. You deserve the best. Don't settle for anything less. I'll always be around if you ever want to talk.
GW-
You win the award for most unexpected and unconventional friend of the year. You seem so unhappy in life, like you're searching for something that you can't quite reach and you won't be satisfied without it. I always wish I could help you somehow. All my attempts at conversation and advice seem to go nowhere, but I do hope it helps you to know that I care and I'm here to talk if you need it. When you try to be all mysterious, it only makes you more transparent. I can see you, even when you're hiding, but I still don't think I really know you. I certainly never know where I stand with you and that gets frustrating. You're awfully good at maintaining distance. I get the impression you're not telling me everything. I wish you could just be open and honest, but it's pretty clear that you're protecting yourself - from what, I may never know.
AS-
My brother in spirit, I'm so glad we reconnected this year. I know you've been through some really shitty times lately. I hate to see you struggle. You are one of the strongest people I've ever known. You will turn the ending of one part of your life into a new beginning for the next. I'm so proud of you for living life on your own terms and never losing your individuality. You have always inspired and encouraged me to express my true self. You see me for who I am when nobody else does. I am ever grateful. No matter how far apart we are, I will be with you throughout this life and the next.
MIS-
I haven't seen you in a year and a half, but you've been so good at keeping in touch. The pictures of your little girl make me smile so big! I love her. She is so precious, and she looks just like you. You were always the friend I loved the most when we were growing up, even though we weren't always close. I still can't believe we didn't speak to each other for an entire year over stupid EB. No guy is worth losing a friend. I'm so glad you're happy, doing what you want in life, and spending time with your beautiful family. You make me wish I had a family of my own.
I love the people in my life, even the ones who have hurt or frustrated me. It all makes life more interesting.
SJC-
When you were a baby, you used to wake me up at 6am with your screaming. You were all alone in your crib, and you just wanted someone near you. I would pick you up and put you in bed with me, and you would smile at me before falling asleep. That was our morning ritual. It was cute then because you were so tiny. But 15 years later, you haven't changed at all. You're still screaming for attention, and you're going to absurd lengths to get it. Why did you think you could get away with everything you've done? Believe me, I know how much it sucks to live at home. I grew up there too, and I hated it just as much as you do. But there's no excuse for how you've behaved. Do you know how much it hurt to see you spend your 15th birthday in juvenille detention? Or to see you spend Christmas in a foster home? It makes me ache inside. I wish we could go back to the days when you were tiny and I took care of you. We can never have that back. I just hope you get the help you need.
ML-
You wrote to me on myspace last week. You said you cared about me and really hoped I was doing well. You want a big reunion so we can all play cards together again. I haven't written you back yet. Honestly, I'm not sure how I should respond. I mean, what do you want me to say? Gee, thanks so much for thinking of me, I'm doing fantastic, I'm so happy your life turned out to be just peachy after all these years, how's your new wife? I'm not going to lie to you. But I'm not sure if I want to tell you the truth either. Is it worth the effort? Do you want to know that my back still hurts every day? Do you want to know that I'm still depressed? Does it matter to you that I had a string of fucked up relationships after you, because of you, and I'm still not over what happened? Would it mean anything to you if I said I've never loved anyone as fully or intensely as I loved you, even though you hurt me more than anyone else ever could have? No, I'm not ready to explain that to you. Nearly 10 years later, it's still fresh to me. Your email will go unanswered a while longer.
JC (one of the Omak boys)-
Even though I haven't seen you in years, getting email from ML makes me think about you. You will never know how you saved me during one of the darkest times in my life. You took me in and sheltered me when no one else would step up and be a man. And for that, they all but crucified you. To this day, I regret the way they treated you, most of all because it was my fault. You'll always be one of the heroes in my life. I really don't think I'd be here today if it weren't for you. I wish I could tell you that. Maybe someday I'll get the chance.
JPC-
You just couldn't get it right, could you? I'm not even sure what to say to you. The frustration and anger is still too near and I haven't finished clearing out my brain or my heart yet. All I know for sure is that your sense of trust and integrity is somewhat lacking, and I paid the price for it over and over again. Walking away from you was the best thing I've done for myself in a long, long time. I do miss the cats though.
KM-
It's always weird for me when we hang out. I wonder if you realize what kind of damage you did. You were the one who pushed me over the edge, although JPC gave you a good head start. I still like you. I still think you're beautiful, intelligent, and fun to be around. But in all honesty, I laugh inside when you make comments about me looking hot or being cute, or when you offer to have me stay over at your place. Even though I enjoy our friendship as it is now, I'll never let you have the upper hand again.
TPN-
I don't know if you know it, but you're my best friend. You and I spend so much time together, and we know so much about each other. I've totally got your number. It cracks me up when people assume that we're "together". I can see how they might think that, but man... I would totally kill you if we were in a relationship, and I'm pretty sure you would kill me too. We're so different from one another in so many ways. I often wonder how we came to be friends at all. Somehow it just works. So many ill-fated trips to the mountain, lunches at Taco Bell, and late night bitching about work. I appreciate and respect our quirky friendship more than you know.
TO-
I miss the IM chats we used to have! I think about you a lot and hope that you are happy in life. I'm really glad I came to visit you, although I still feel sad when I think about all you went through during that time. What a bunch of dickhead guys, all of them. You are a very smart, very strong and capable woman, and I really think you can do whatever you want in life. You deserve the best. Don't settle for anything less. I'll always be around if you ever want to talk.
GW-
You win the award for most unexpected and unconventional friend of the year. You seem so unhappy in life, like you're searching for something that you can't quite reach and you won't be satisfied without it. I always wish I could help you somehow. All my attempts at conversation and advice seem to go nowhere, but I do hope it helps you to know that I care and I'm here to talk if you need it. When you try to be all mysterious, it only makes you more transparent. I can see you, even when you're hiding, but I still don't think I really know you. I certainly never know where I stand with you and that gets frustrating. You're awfully good at maintaining distance. I get the impression you're not telling me everything. I wish you could just be open and honest, but it's pretty clear that you're protecting yourself - from what, I may never know.
AS-
My brother in spirit, I'm so glad we reconnected this year. I know you've been through some really shitty times lately. I hate to see you struggle. You are one of the strongest people I've ever known. You will turn the ending of one part of your life into a new beginning for the next. I'm so proud of you for living life on your own terms and never losing your individuality. You have always inspired and encouraged me to express my true self. You see me for who I am when nobody else does. I am ever grateful. No matter how far apart we are, I will be with you throughout this life and the next.
MIS-
I haven't seen you in a year and a half, but you've been so good at keeping in touch. The pictures of your little girl make me smile so big! I love her. She is so precious, and she looks just like you. You were always the friend I loved the most when we were growing up, even though we weren't always close. I still can't believe we didn't speak to each other for an entire year over stupid EB. No guy is worth losing a friend. I'm so glad you're happy, doing what you want in life, and spending time with your beautiful family. You make me wish I had a family of my own.
I love the people in my life, even the ones who have hurt or frustrated me. It all makes life more interesting.
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Connections
Here it is, Christmas. I'm at home by myself, hanging out, basically doing nothing. I watched a movie earlier, and I've been playing WoW for a couple hours. I didn't think I would feel lonely today, since I don't celebrate Christmas anyway. It's just another day, right? Nonetheless, I do feel a little lonely, and that has made me think a lot about various people in my life.
Most people are a mystery to me. One of my ex-boyfriends used to call it the 99th percentile rule. If I'm in the 99th percentile, that means in my lifetime, I will only connect with 1% of the people on this planet. Everyone else is just a warm body with little or no impact on the course of my life. He even went so far as to narrow it down to the 99.9th percentile -- one tenth of a percent of the earth's population.
Then there's 6 degrees of separation (not to be confused with 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon). Are there really only 6 degrees separating me from someone else I've never met before? In some cases, I think the connection is easy to see. A friend of a friend of a friend... you get the idea. But what about people farther away? What about the militant in Afghanistan, or the starving kid in Africa? Am I connected to them by 6 degrees?
Do you realize how much the internet changes the equation? I've met and talked to people on the internet with whom I would never come into contact in real life. People on myspace, people on instant messenger, people on this very blog. People who read my writing, see my picture, and wonder what kind of person I am.
The internet brings us all together, but sometimes it causes us to be more isolated from the people who are geographically near us. If I'm online all the time, how do I have time to make friends in real life? Are my internet friends the same as real life friends? How do I know?
I don't have many friends in real life. Many, many acquaintances, but very few close friends. It's always been that way. I'm hard to get to know and I don't trust people, so only a few become my true friends, and even those tend to come and go as my life changes.
I'm lazy about maintaining contact with people, especially if I'm under any kind of stress. I hide from people when I'm stressed out. Hiding is always easier than reaching out. When I need to reach out, reaching out to complete strangers on the internet is always easier than reaching out to the people I actually know who care about me. Why is that?
Anyway, I don't really have a point here, I'm just thinking out loud. Human relations are very interesting to me. Sometimes I just don't get it. How does this all work?
This must be why I was never one of the popular kids at school. I spent all my time hanging out with my 1%, thinking about shit like this instead of congregating with the masses and trying to be likable. All these years later, nothing has changed.
Once a geek, always a geek.
Most people are a mystery to me. One of my ex-boyfriends used to call it the 99th percentile rule. If I'm in the 99th percentile, that means in my lifetime, I will only connect with 1% of the people on this planet. Everyone else is just a warm body with little or no impact on the course of my life. He even went so far as to narrow it down to the 99.9th percentile -- one tenth of a percent of the earth's population.
Then there's 6 degrees of separation (not to be confused with 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon). Are there really only 6 degrees separating me from someone else I've never met before? In some cases, I think the connection is easy to see. A friend of a friend of a friend... you get the idea. But what about people farther away? What about the militant in Afghanistan, or the starving kid in Africa? Am I connected to them by 6 degrees?
Do you realize how much the internet changes the equation? I've met and talked to people on the internet with whom I would never come into contact in real life. People on myspace, people on instant messenger, people on this very blog. People who read my writing, see my picture, and wonder what kind of person I am.
The internet brings us all together, but sometimes it causes us to be more isolated from the people who are geographically near us. If I'm online all the time, how do I have time to make friends in real life? Are my internet friends the same as real life friends? How do I know?
I don't have many friends in real life. Many, many acquaintances, but very few close friends. It's always been that way. I'm hard to get to know and I don't trust people, so only a few become my true friends, and even those tend to come and go as my life changes.
I'm lazy about maintaining contact with people, especially if I'm under any kind of stress. I hide from people when I'm stressed out. Hiding is always easier than reaching out. When I need to reach out, reaching out to complete strangers on the internet is always easier than reaching out to the people I actually know who care about me. Why is that?
Anyway, I don't really have a point here, I'm just thinking out loud. Human relations are very interesting to me. Sometimes I just don't get it. How does this all work?
This must be why I was never one of the popular kids at school. I spent all my time hanging out with my 1%, thinking about shit like this instead of congregating with the masses and trying to be likable. All these years later, nothing has changed.
Once a geek, always a geek.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Music
For AIP...
Of course you know I can never write anything short, so expect lists instead of single artists here.
What is your favorite genre of music?
Alternative/Rock
Who is your favorite artist from the 70’s?
David Bowie, Pink Floyd, Yes, Rush, CCR, The Who, Blondie, The Clash, The Ramones, Talking Heads, Steely Dan, Van Morrison, Nick Drake
Who is your favorite artist from the 80’s?
David Bowie, Yes, Rush, Blondie, The Clash, Talking Heads, The B-52's, King Crimson, Depeche Mode, The Cure, Duran Duran, Midnight Oil, Tears For Fears, Devo, R.E.M., 10000 Maniacs, The Replacements, Pixies, Van Halen, Def Leppard, The Eurythmics, U2, Billy Idol, Violent Femmes, Beastie Boys, Peter Gabriel, Elvis Costello, Adrian Belew, Traveling Wilburys, DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince, INXS
Who is your favorite artist from the 90’s?
R.E.M., 10000 Maniacs, Natalie Merchant, Sarah McLachlan, Belle & Sebastian, Pixies, U2, Beastie Boys, Peter Gabriel, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Nirvana, The Smashing Pumpkins, Stone Temple Pilots, Pearl Jam, Soundgarden, Foo Fighters, Nine Inch Nails, Blur, Radiohead, Weezer, Green Day, Alanis Morissette, PJ Harvey, Fiona Apple, Dr. Dre, Snoop Dog, Will Smith, Aaliyah, Missy Elliott, The Prodigy, Propellerheads, The Cardigans, Spacehog, Garbage, Bjork, Stereolab, Rockapella, The Trenchcoats, Moxy Fruvous, The Presidents of the United States of America, Portishead, Lamb, Morphine, Sublime, No Doubt, Madonna
Who is your favorite artist from the 2000’s?
Stereolab, Muse, My Chemical Romance, Nine Inch Nails, Weezer, The Polyphonic Spree, The Dresden Dolls, Queens of the Stone Age, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Foo Fighters, Zero 7, Royksopp, Paul Oakenfold, Eisley, The Postal Service, The White Stripes, The Subways, The Thermals, Green Day, Gorillaz, The Crystal Method, Jimmy Eat World, Justin Timberlake, Gwen Stefani, Radiohead, Arcade Fire, Linkin Park, Silversun Pickups, The Fratellis, The Shins, Norah Jones
What would your dream band reunion be?
I'm not sure if I have one. Maybe the Gorillaz, but I'm not convinced they're really done. ;-)
Most bands break up for a reason, and in most cases, I think it should stay that way.
What was the first musical purchase that you made?
The first thing I remember buying for myself (that my mom didn't pay for) was a set of CDs from BMG music club:
R.E.M. - Automatic For The People
10,000 Maniacs - Our Time In Eden
Sarah McLachlan - Fumbling Towards Ecstasy
When I was a kid, I owned cassette tapes of The Monkees.
What is the most surprising part of your music library?
That it isn't a whole lot bigger. There are lots of bands I really love but I don't own their albums. You can tell the bands I really obsess over because I own multiple albums, oftentimes everything they've ever done.
What was your favorite one hit wonder’s song?
Michael Penn - No Myth
SOHO - Hippy Chick
Digable Planets - Rebirth Of Slick
4 Non Blondes - What's Up
Tripping Daisy - I Got A Girl
Tracey Bonham - Mother Mother
Semisonic - Closing Time
M/A/R/R/S - Pump Up The Volume
Modern English - I Melt With You
Stereo MC's - Connected
Who performed at the first concert you attended?
I'm not sure if this was the first, but I remember seeing The Eurythmics at Bumbershoot. I saw Yes when I was 6, and ELP at about the same age.
Who performed at the last concert you attended?
Muse in September. Projekt Revolution (Linkin Park, MCR, TBS, et al), Eisley, Arcade Fire, and The Polyphonic Spree during the summer.
Who would you most like to see in concert that you haven’t yet?
David Bowie, Radiohead, Red Hot Chili Peppers, R.E.M., Rush, Elvis Costello, The Dresden Dolls, Gorillaz, Fiona Apple
What 3 artists do you play most frequently?
Muse, My Chemical Romance, Weezer, Stereolab. Shit, that's 4!
What is your favorite music video?
Beastie Boys - Sabotage
Bjork - Bachelorette
Fat Boy Slim - Weapon Of Choice (Dancing Christopher Walken!!!)
Foo Fighters - Everlong
My Chemical Romance - The Ghost Of You
The White Stripes - Fell In Love With A Girl
Aha - Take On Me
Blur - Coffee & TV
Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers - Don't Come Around Here No More
Dick In A Box :-D
What song do you immediately turn off?
Peter Bjorn & John - Young Folks
Anything by Celine Dion, Bette Midler, or Michael Bolton (a.k.a. No-Talent Ass-Clown)
Any contemporary country music
What is your favorite sexy song?
Not sure I have one. I don't think of any particular song as being inherently sexy. If there's any sexiness to a song or a band, it's because it's tied to a memory or a person in my life. For example, Belle & Sebastian for "J", Sigur Ros for "K", or Dave Matthews Band for "M".
What song best describes your outlook in life?
Blind Melon - No Rain
All I can say is that my life is pretty plain
I like watching the puddles gather rain
What song makes you move…something?
The Postal Service - Such Great Heights
Jamiroquai - Canned Heat
Mika - Grace Kelly
Billy Idol - Dancing With Myself
Linkin Park - No More Sorrow
Muse - New Born
Gorillaz - O Green World
What song can you sing the best?
Blind Melon - No Rain
Jimmy Eat World - The Middle
My Chemical Romance - Heaven Help Us
10,000 Maniacs - These Are Days
Britney Spears - Baby One More Time (karaoke fodder)
What 10 artists best summarize your taste in music?
Muse
Stereolab
Bjork
Weezer
Pixies
Gorillaz
My Chemical Romance
Portishead
The Polyphonic Spree
Talking Heads
David Bowie
Of course you know I can never write anything short, so expect lists instead of single artists here.
What is your favorite genre of music?
Alternative/Rock
Who is your favorite artist from the 70’s?
David Bowie, Pink Floyd, Yes, Rush, CCR, The Who, Blondie, The Clash, The Ramones, Talking Heads, Steely Dan, Van Morrison, Nick Drake
Who is your favorite artist from the 80’s?
David Bowie, Yes, Rush, Blondie, The Clash, Talking Heads, The B-52's, King Crimson, Depeche Mode, The Cure, Duran Duran, Midnight Oil, Tears For Fears, Devo, R.E.M., 10000 Maniacs, The Replacements, Pixies, Van Halen, Def Leppard, The Eurythmics, U2, Billy Idol, Violent Femmes, Beastie Boys, Peter Gabriel, Elvis Costello, Adrian Belew, Traveling Wilburys, DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince, INXS
Who is your favorite artist from the 90’s?
R.E.M., 10000 Maniacs, Natalie Merchant, Sarah McLachlan, Belle & Sebastian, Pixies, U2, Beastie Boys, Peter Gabriel, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Nirvana, The Smashing Pumpkins, Stone Temple Pilots, Pearl Jam, Soundgarden, Foo Fighters, Nine Inch Nails, Blur, Radiohead, Weezer, Green Day, Alanis Morissette, PJ Harvey, Fiona Apple, Dr. Dre, Snoop Dog, Will Smith, Aaliyah, Missy Elliott, The Prodigy, Propellerheads, The Cardigans, Spacehog, Garbage, Bjork, Stereolab, Rockapella, The Trenchcoats, Moxy Fruvous, The Presidents of the United States of America, Portishead, Lamb, Morphine, Sublime, No Doubt, Madonna
Who is your favorite artist from the 2000’s?
Stereolab, Muse, My Chemical Romance, Nine Inch Nails, Weezer, The Polyphonic Spree, The Dresden Dolls, Queens of the Stone Age, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Foo Fighters, Zero 7, Royksopp, Paul Oakenfold, Eisley, The Postal Service, The White Stripes, The Subways, The Thermals, Green Day, Gorillaz, The Crystal Method, Jimmy Eat World, Justin Timberlake, Gwen Stefani, Radiohead, Arcade Fire, Linkin Park, Silversun Pickups, The Fratellis, The Shins, Norah Jones
What would your dream band reunion be?
I'm not sure if I have one. Maybe the Gorillaz, but I'm not convinced they're really done. ;-)
Most bands break up for a reason, and in most cases, I think it should stay that way.
What was the first musical purchase that you made?
The first thing I remember buying for myself (that my mom didn't pay for) was a set of CDs from BMG music club:
R.E.M. - Automatic For The People
10,000 Maniacs - Our Time In Eden
Sarah McLachlan - Fumbling Towards Ecstasy
When I was a kid, I owned cassette tapes of The Monkees.
What is the most surprising part of your music library?
That it isn't a whole lot bigger. There are lots of bands I really love but I don't own their albums. You can tell the bands I really obsess over because I own multiple albums, oftentimes everything they've ever done.
What was your favorite one hit wonder’s song?
Michael Penn - No Myth
SOHO - Hippy Chick
Digable Planets - Rebirth Of Slick
4 Non Blondes - What's Up
Tripping Daisy - I Got A Girl
Tracey Bonham - Mother Mother
Semisonic - Closing Time
M/A/R/R/S - Pump Up The Volume
Modern English - I Melt With You
Stereo MC's - Connected
Who performed at the first concert you attended?
I'm not sure if this was the first, but I remember seeing The Eurythmics at Bumbershoot. I saw Yes when I was 6, and ELP at about the same age.
Who performed at the last concert you attended?
Muse in September. Projekt Revolution (Linkin Park, MCR, TBS, et al), Eisley, Arcade Fire, and The Polyphonic Spree during the summer.
Who would you most like to see in concert that you haven’t yet?
David Bowie, Radiohead, Red Hot Chili Peppers, R.E.M., Rush, Elvis Costello, The Dresden Dolls, Gorillaz, Fiona Apple
What 3 artists do you play most frequently?
Muse, My Chemical Romance, Weezer, Stereolab. Shit, that's 4!
What is your favorite music video?
Beastie Boys - Sabotage
Bjork - Bachelorette
Fat Boy Slim - Weapon Of Choice (Dancing Christopher Walken!!!)
Foo Fighters - Everlong
My Chemical Romance - The Ghost Of You
The White Stripes - Fell In Love With A Girl
Aha - Take On Me
Blur - Coffee & TV
Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers - Don't Come Around Here No More
Dick In A Box :-D
What song do you immediately turn off?
Peter Bjorn & John - Young Folks
Anything by Celine Dion, Bette Midler, or Michael Bolton (a.k.a. No-Talent Ass-Clown)
Any contemporary country music
What is your favorite sexy song?
Not sure I have one. I don't think of any particular song as being inherently sexy. If there's any sexiness to a song or a band, it's because it's tied to a memory or a person in my life. For example, Belle & Sebastian for "J", Sigur Ros for "K", or Dave Matthews Band for "M".
What song best describes your outlook in life?
Blind Melon - No Rain
All I can say is that my life is pretty plain
I like watching the puddles gather rain
What song makes you move…something?
The Postal Service - Such Great Heights
Jamiroquai - Canned Heat
Mika - Grace Kelly
Billy Idol - Dancing With Myself
Linkin Park - No More Sorrow
Muse - New Born
Gorillaz - O Green World
What song can you sing the best?
Blind Melon - No Rain
Jimmy Eat World - The Middle
My Chemical Romance - Heaven Help Us
10,000 Maniacs - These Are Days
Britney Spears - Baby One More Time (karaoke fodder)
What 10 artists best summarize your taste in music?
Muse
Stereolab
Bjork
Weezer
Pixies
Gorillaz
My Chemical Romance
Portishead
The Polyphonic Spree
Talking Heads
David Bowie
Monday, November 26, 2007
Everlong
I had another dream about you last night. This one was different than the others.
I was behind a building. An alley? I'm not sure what I was doing there. Just hanging out I guess. Out of nowhere, several big semi trucks pulled up. Noisy compression breaks. I didn't know what was going on, but I didn't care.
There were other people there too - a big group. They seemed to be waiting. I wasn't with them. I was alone, doing my own thing.
Then I saw you. You were walking right past me, talking with someone I didn't know. You looked like you were talking business, giving direction, negotiating. I didn't think you saw me and I didn't want to interrupt, so I didn't say anything. Then you turned and looked right at me. You started walking toward me. I could see your face, your eyes, your hair in your eyes.
You said "Hey," and you told me that you wouldn't be able to hang out until later in the day but that I should text you. I nodded and said "okay," and waved as you turned and went back to whatever you were doing before.
I was surprised to have seen you there, but I wasn't starstruck. This was the first time we'd met in person, but it felt like I'd known you forever, like you were an old friend whom I'd met many times. I had been waiting for this, but not knowing it. I just happened to be hanging out in the right place at the right time, for no apparent reason. I was just there, and you were there too. It didn't even matter that you essentially blew me off by telling me you'd see me later (although in my dream I believed you were sincere). It was enough that you existed, that I finally spoke with you, that there was mutual acknowledgment. It was confirmation that I haven't just been taking crazy pills this whole time. You were real, and you cared enough to communicate.
When I woke up, Everlong was playing on the radio. How fortuitous.
Hello
I've waited here for you
Everlong
As the song ended and I snapped back into reality, I wondered why I'd dreamt about a scenario that's so far from the truth. Maybe it was my little subconscious fantasy, my desire for things to be clear and straight forward. I do grow tired of the way you keep me in suspense, always dangling promises in front of me.
You say you'll call me one day "out of the blue".
You say we'll have time to hang out together "some day".
I often wonder if you'll ever make good. Maybe you will, maybe you won't. I'll never know until it happens. But I will say that the longer you leave me hanging, the less interested I become. Honestly, anyone who can talk and share as much as you have with me, but still not want to meet in person... how interested should I be?
I met her. She wanted to meet me, and I wanted to meet her, so we arranged it, and it happened. She was lovely, and I'd very much like to see her again. We still keep in touch.
I wish it was the same with you. After all, I knew you first. I never would have met her if it hadn't been for you. I find it a bit ironic that she and I had a great time together while you were actively shunning us.
You are such a mystery. I don't know why I keep waiting for you, but I do. I can't help it, especially now that things have changed so much. You're like the train wreck I can't look away from.
I'm always waiting for you to show yourself, to show me something real, something honest. Is it worth it? Maybe you can tell me. Should I keep waiting?
I was behind a building. An alley? I'm not sure what I was doing there. Just hanging out I guess. Out of nowhere, several big semi trucks pulled up. Noisy compression breaks. I didn't know what was going on, but I didn't care.
There were other people there too - a big group. They seemed to be waiting. I wasn't with them. I was alone, doing my own thing.
Then I saw you. You were walking right past me, talking with someone I didn't know. You looked like you were talking business, giving direction, negotiating. I didn't think you saw me and I didn't want to interrupt, so I didn't say anything. Then you turned and looked right at me. You started walking toward me. I could see your face, your eyes, your hair in your eyes.
You said "Hey," and you told me that you wouldn't be able to hang out until later in the day but that I should text you. I nodded and said "okay," and waved as you turned and went back to whatever you were doing before.
I was surprised to have seen you there, but I wasn't starstruck. This was the first time we'd met in person, but it felt like I'd known you forever, like you were an old friend whom I'd met many times. I had been waiting for this, but not knowing it. I just happened to be hanging out in the right place at the right time, for no apparent reason. I was just there, and you were there too. It didn't even matter that you essentially blew me off by telling me you'd see me later (although in my dream I believed you were sincere). It was enough that you existed, that I finally spoke with you, that there was mutual acknowledgment. It was confirmation that I haven't just been taking crazy pills this whole time. You were real, and you cared enough to communicate.
When I woke up, Everlong was playing on the radio. How fortuitous.
Hello
I've waited here for you
Everlong
As the song ended and I snapped back into reality, I wondered why I'd dreamt about a scenario that's so far from the truth. Maybe it was my little subconscious fantasy, my desire for things to be clear and straight forward. I do grow tired of the way you keep me in suspense, always dangling promises in front of me.
You say you'll call me one day "out of the blue".
You say we'll have time to hang out together "some day".
I often wonder if you'll ever make good. Maybe you will, maybe you won't. I'll never know until it happens. But I will say that the longer you leave me hanging, the less interested I become. Honestly, anyone who can talk and share as much as you have with me, but still not want to meet in person... how interested should I be?
I met her. She wanted to meet me, and I wanted to meet her, so we arranged it, and it happened. She was lovely, and I'd very much like to see her again. We still keep in touch.
I wish it was the same with you. After all, I knew you first. I never would have met her if it hadn't been for you. I find it a bit ironic that she and I had a great time together while you were actively shunning us.
You are such a mystery. I don't know why I keep waiting for you, but I do. I can't help it, especially now that things have changed so much. You're like the train wreck I can't look away from.
I'm always waiting for you to show yourself, to show me something real, something honest. Is it worth it? Maybe you can tell me. Should I keep waiting?
Friday, November 16, 2007
Little update
A quick post (hopefully) to help center myself before I begin working again...
I forgot to wear my watch today. At lunch, my dear friend/coworker purposely asked me what time it was, then proceeded to laugh hysterically when I looked at my bare wrist. That jerk. :-P
I am looking forward to, but dreading Thanksgiving with my family. You know how families are, right? It'll be great to see them, but I'll want to kill them.
Out of the blue, one of my coworkers just told me that I've been doing really great work over the last two or three months. Given how shitty my job has been lately, his comment came as a big surprise. He said I've produced a lot of work and it has all been good quality. It actually made me feel better about myself professionally - usually I feel like no matter how much effort I put in, it all goes into a black hole and doesn't make a difference for anybody. Affirmation is always nice, isn't it? I should count my blessings today.
My friend resurfaced again. He's one confused boy, but I'm happy that he's alive and well. When he goes away for weeks at a time, I never know if I'll hear from him again. But he keeps coming back, and I'm glad. He told me not to be surprised if he calls me one day out of the blue. He told me to be ready for him. I wonder what exactly that means? Will I finally hear his voice speaking to me, or even meet him in person? Gosh, I have no idea what to expect.
I can't wait for ski season to start. It's been raining all day today, and I really hope that translates to snow in the mountains. The trick is that it has to stay cold enough up there so the snow doesn't melt between now and the next storm. That's what happened a few weeks ago - 6 feet of snow one day, melting slush the next. I meant to bring my skis to work so I could take them to get sharpened and waxed at lunch, but I forgot! :-( Now I can't do it until after Thanksgiving. What if I have to ski before then???
I've been having dreams about boys. A different boy every time, and never someone I know in real life. Always emotionally intimate, but never sexual. I'm still trying to figure out what it all means.
I'm going to play my bass this weekend. I'll even use The Masked Anon's feather duster to give it a proper cleaning. I'm going to put on my Pixies DVD, plug in my amp (my neighbors moved out, so I can safely crank it), and totally rock out!!! If only my amp went all the way to 11!
I am also going to clean my apartment and play Warcraft this weekend. This is my last chance to do chores or play games for the next couple weeks, so I have to make the most of it.
I don't think I've mentioned here that I LOVE Turkey Day. It's my favorite holiday. We'll probably have a cornish game hen instead of turkey because a whole turkey is really too big for three people people. But it doesn't matter to me as long as I get to eat mashed potatoes with a whole boat full of my mom's gravy!
[In my best Homer Simpson voice:] Mmmm..... gravy.
Ok, back to work. I only have a few more tasks to complete, and I'm determined to crank through them so I can go home early. Or maybe to happy hour! :-)
I forgot to wear my watch today. At lunch, my dear friend/coworker purposely asked me what time it was, then proceeded to laugh hysterically when I looked at my bare wrist. That jerk. :-P
I am looking forward to, but dreading Thanksgiving with my family. You know how families are, right? It'll be great to see them, but I'll want to kill them.
Out of the blue, one of my coworkers just told me that I've been doing really great work over the last two or three months. Given how shitty my job has been lately, his comment came as a big surprise. He said I've produced a lot of work and it has all been good quality. It actually made me feel better about myself professionally - usually I feel like no matter how much effort I put in, it all goes into a black hole and doesn't make a difference for anybody. Affirmation is always nice, isn't it? I should count my blessings today.
My friend resurfaced again. He's one confused boy, but I'm happy that he's alive and well. When he goes away for weeks at a time, I never know if I'll hear from him again. But he keeps coming back, and I'm glad. He told me not to be surprised if he calls me one day out of the blue. He told me to be ready for him. I wonder what exactly that means? Will I finally hear his voice speaking to me, or even meet him in person? Gosh, I have no idea what to expect.
I can't wait for ski season to start. It's been raining all day today, and I really hope that translates to snow in the mountains. The trick is that it has to stay cold enough up there so the snow doesn't melt between now and the next storm. That's what happened a few weeks ago - 6 feet of snow one day, melting slush the next. I meant to bring my skis to work so I could take them to get sharpened and waxed at lunch, but I forgot! :-( Now I can't do it until after Thanksgiving. What if I have to ski before then???
I've been having dreams about boys. A different boy every time, and never someone I know in real life. Always emotionally intimate, but never sexual. I'm still trying to figure out what it all means.
I'm going to play my bass this weekend. I'll even use The Masked Anon's feather duster to give it a proper cleaning. I'm going to put on my Pixies DVD, plug in my amp (my neighbors moved out, so I can safely crank it), and totally rock out!!! If only my amp went all the way to 11!
I am also going to clean my apartment and play Warcraft this weekend. This is my last chance to do chores or play games for the next couple weeks, so I have to make the most of it.
I don't think I've mentioned here that I LOVE Turkey Day. It's my favorite holiday. We'll probably have a cornish game hen instead of turkey because a whole turkey is really too big for three people people. But it doesn't matter to me as long as I get to eat mashed potatoes with a whole boat full of my mom's gravy!
[In my best Homer Simpson voice:] Mmmm..... gravy.
Ok, back to work. I only have a few more tasks to complete, and I'm determined to crank through them so I can go home early. Or maybe to happy hour! :-)
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Writer's block... or not
Sometimes I feel like I need to say something but the words won't come out. It's like I need expression but I have nothing to say.
I have discovered over the years that my ability to be creative is directly tied to my emotional state. When I am bottled up emotionally, I am also bottled up creatively. Likewise, when my emotions flow freely, so does my creative expression.
I have also learned that one can trigger the other. If I have an emotional breakdown, I suddenly feel the burning need to create something. If I begin to create something without the precursor of emotion, the emotion soon follows, and I often can't control it. It pours out of me all at once in a blind fury.
When I was in college, I was an emotional wreck for a variety of reasons. I was also very creative. When I needed to let off steam, I would play piano, write music, draw, paint, sculpt. Painting was always my favorite outlet - I would make a complete mess, throwing paint everywhere and beating on the canvas like a punching bag.
Later as I became an adult, I learned to tuck my emotions away in order to maintain composure in difficult situations. Later still, as the result of several very bad relationships with men, I managed to shut off most of my emotional self completely. This of course meant that I could no longer create.
I haven't painted or drawn anything in at least 5 years. It's been about the same amount of time since I played piano. I tried learning to play the bass guitar, but find myself unmotivated to practice. There's just no point. I don't feel anything.
I still sing, but very informally. I sing in the car, I sing to my cat, I sing while I'm at work writing code. When I'm drunk enough, I sing karaoke. But there's no inspiration behind my voice. I just regurgitate notes. It passes the time.
The same thing is true for writing. Nearly every day there are things that I want to express in this blog, but when I sit down to write, nothing comes out. Much of my writing stems from things I'm thinking about, not things I'm feeling. Occasionally a single emotional subject pops into my head that I actually feel, and I try to write whenever that happens.
I envy people like An Interested Party and Sdock10 who's writing style can be so flowing and emotionally charged. Straight from the heart instead of always from the dispassionate brain. I wish I still had that capability.
But as I've mentioned before, I'm finally beginning to awaken from the emotional shutdown which has controlled me for the last several years. Even though I'm still groggy, writing in this blog has helped me to express emotions when I have them, and reading about the life experiences of others here has helped me to realize that I am not alone.
Sometimes I wish I could just wake up and snap out of it. Sometimes I wish there was someone who could help me do it. Lately, I can't shake the idea of wanting a new romance, just for the mystery and excitement of it, even though I'm really not in a position to reciprocate it. Sometimes I think there's just something wrong with me, and I should go see a doctor or something.
But after reading what you all have to say, and talking to many of you, I'm pretty sure a lot of people go through this. I'm really grateful for this blog as an avenue for self expression, communication, and connection.
... And to think... I started writing this because I wanted to express myself but didn't have anything to say.
I think the truth is, I always have something to say, if only I can find the right words and emotions to express it.
I have discovered over the years that my ability to be creative is directly tied to my emotional state. When I am bottled up emotionally, I am also bottled up creatively. Likewise, when my emotions flow freely, so does my creative expression.
I have also learned that one can trigger the other. If I have an emotional breakdown, I suddenly feel the burning need to create something. If I begin to create something without the precursor of emotion, the emotion soon follows, and I often can't control it. It pours out of me all at once in a blind fury.
When I was in college, I was an emotional wreck for a variety of reasons. I was also very creative. When I needed to let off steam, I would play piano, write music, draw, paint, sculpt. Painting was always my favorite outlet - I would make a complete mess, throwing paint everywhere and beating on the canvas like a punching bag.
Later as I became an adult, I learned to tuck my emotions away in order to maintain composure in difficult situations. Later still, as the result of several very bad relationships with men, I managed to shut off most of my emotional self completely. This of course meant that I could no longer create.
I haven't painted or drawn anything in at least 5 years. It's been about the same amount of time since I played piano. I tried learning to play the bass guitar, but find myself unmotivated to practice. There's just no point. I don't feel anything.
I still sing, but very informally. I sing in the car, I sing to my cat, I sing while I'm at work writing code. When I'm drunk enough, I sing karaoke. But there's no inspiration behind my voice. I just regurgitate notes. It passes the time.
The same thing is true for writing. Nearly every day there are things that I want to express in this blog, but when I sit down to write, nothing comes out. Much of my writing stems from things I'm thinking about, not things I'm feeling. Occasionally a single emotional subject pops into my head that I actually feel, and I try to write whenever that happens.
I envy people like An Interested Party and Sdock10 who's writing style can be so flowing and emotionally charged. Straight from the heart instead of always from the dispassionate brain. I wish I still had that capability.
But as I've mentioned before, I'm finally beginning to awaken from the emotional shutdown which has controlled me for the last several years. Even though I'm still groggy, writing in this blog has helped me to express emotions when I have them, and reading about the life experiences of others here has helped me to realize that I am not alone.
Sometimes I wish I could just wake up and snap out of it. Sometimes I wish there was someone who could help me do it. Lately, I can't shake the idea of wanting a new romance, just for the mystery and excitement of it, even though I'm really not in a position to reciprocate it. Sometimes I think there's just something wrong with me, and I should go see a doctor or something.
But after reading what you all have to say, and talking to many of you, I'm pretty sure a lot of people go through this. I'm really grateful for this blog as an avenue for self expression, communication, and connection.
... And to think... I started writing this because I wanted to express myself but didn't have anything to say.
I think the truth is, I always have something to say, if only I can find the right words and emotions to express it.
Saturday, November 10, 2007
The Quest
Where does it come from, this quest? This need to solve life's mysteries when the simplest of questions can never be answered? Why are we here? What is the soul? Why do we dream? Perhaps we'd be better off not looking at all. Not delving, not yearning. But that's not human nature. Not the human heart. That is not why we are here. Yet still we struggle to make a difference, to change the world, to dream of hope, never knowing for certain who we will meet along the way. Who among the world of strangers will hold our hand, touch our hearts, and share the pain of trying?
We dream of hope, we dream of change, of fire, of love, of death. And then it happens; the dream becomes real, and the answer to this quest, this need to solve life's mysteries finally shows itself like the glowing light of the new dawn. So much struggle for meaning, for purpose. And in the end, we find it only in each other. Our shared experience of the fantastic and the mundane. The simple human need to find a kindred. To connect. And to know in our hearts... that we are not alone.
We dream of hope, we dream of change, of fire, of love, of death. And then it happens; the dream becomes real, and the answer to this quest, this need to solve life's mysteries finally shows itself like the glowing light of the new dawn. So much struggle for meaning, for purpose. And in the end, we find it only in each other. Our shared experience of the fantastic and the mundane. The simple human need to find a kindred. To connect. And to know in our hearts... that we are not alone.
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
The Grind
I walked into work today, and before I'd finished taking off my jacket, one of my coworkers approached me and said, "Do you ever feel like you're surrounded by people with rocks in their heads?"
Not knowing what prompted him to ask me this, but already feeling irritated just from being in the building I replied, "Yes. Every day."
The look on his face was priceless. I don't think he expected me to answer so quickly or candidly. He doesn't realize that I'm less tolerant and forgiving than my demeanor suggests. I guess it's nice to know I'm not the only one who is frustrated at work. We all are, each in our own way.
I'm getting really depressed. I don't have much energy on most days, and it's getting harder to grin and bear it. Soon I will have to make a decision. Stay at my current job and ride out the difficult times in hopes that things will improve, or find a new job, probably in a different town, which also means moving, which I hate, and completely change my life around.
I'm not fond of big changes, I've always preferred baby steps. But at this point, my life is scattered in so many meaningless pieces that I'll do just about anything to put it all back together again. The time is coming soon -- sink or swim.
Pinky, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Yes, Brain. But where will we find a duck and a rubber hose at this hour?
Not knowing what prompted him to ask me this, but already feeling irritated just from being in the building I replied, "Yes. Every day."
The look on his face was priceless. I don't think he expected me to answer so quickly or candidly. He doesn't realize that I'm less tolerant and forgiving than my demeanor suggests. I guess it's nice to know I'm not the only one who is frustrated at work. We all are, each in our own way.
I'm getting really depressed. I don't have much energy on most days, and it's getting harder to grin and bear it. Soon I will have to make a decision. Stay at my current job and ride out the difficult times in hopes that things will improve, or find a new job, probably in a different town, which also means moving, which I hate, and completely change my life around.
I'm not fond of big changes, I've always preferred baby steps. But at this point, my life is scattered in so many meaningless pieces that I'll do just about anything to put it all back together again. The time is coming soon -- sink or swim.
Pinky, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Yes, Brain. But where will we find a duck and a rubber hose at this hour?
Monday, November 5, 2007
10 Q...30 A...1 Big Bonus
Name 3...
1. Things you are trying to avoid doing.
Making a decision about my job.
Meeting guys.
Cleaning my apartment.
2. Ways to pick you out of a crowd.
Look for my glasses.
Look for the really skinny girl.
Look for the girl who looks like she feels uncomfortable.
3. Things your hometown is known for.
Being on an island.
The naval base (even though it's an hour away).
Being very beautiful and scenic.
4. Of your biggest hobbies.
Watching movies.
Playing WoW.
Skiing.
5. Things you are currently happy about.
I'm not at work anymore.
There's warm food on the way.
Heroes is on tonight. ^_^
6. Types of events you would like to attend.
Any concert or other music event.
House parties - small and intimate, or huge and loud.
A poker game.
7. Things you would like to learn how to do.
Play a new instrument - maybe guitar or cello.
Communicate more effectively when I'm angry.
Catch a pop fly.
8. Things you are proud of yourself for doing.
Graduating from college.
"Making it" on my own without needing financial support from others.
Joining a band, even if it was only for 2 weeks.
9. Things you regret doing in 2007.
Bottling my frustration at work instead of trying to actively resolve problems.
Hiding instead of socializing.
Putting my bass guitar away and never playing it.
10. Things that you want to accomplish in 2008.
Join another band, maybe as a singer this time.
Become happy at my current job or find a different one.
Travel some place new just for fun.
++ Bonus Question ++
Without giving it too much thought, list 20 of your favorite things.
1. Junk food.
2. Nature.
3. Home.
4. My cat.
5. Flying down the side of a mountain on two sticks.
6. Looking at the stars.
7. Warm blankets.
8. Laughing with my friends.
9. Movies.
10. Singing.
11. The Puget Sound.
12. Thoughtful and engaging conversation.
13. The rush of live music.
14. Exploring information.
15. Long showers.
16. Stormy weather.
17. Being creative in any form.
18. Lazy days.
19. Knowing that we played a good game, win or lose.
20. Any new idea that makes me stop and reconsider myself.
1. Things you are trying to avoid doing.
Making a decision about my job.
Meeting guys.
Cleaning my apartment.
2. Ways to pick you out of a crowd.
Look for my glasses.
Look for the really skinny girl.
Look for the girl who looks like she feels uncomfortable.
3. Things your hometown is known for.
Being on an island.
The naval base (even though it's an hour away).
Being very beautiful and scenic.
4. Of your biggest hobbies.
Watching movies.
Playing WoW.
Skiing.
5. Things you are currently happy about.
I'm not at work anymore.
There's warm food on the way.
Heroes is on tonight. ^_^
6. Types of events you would like to attend.
Any concert or other music event.
House parties - small and intimate, or huge and loud.
A poker game.
7. Things you would like to learn how to do.
Play a new instrument - maybe guitar or cello.
Communicate more effectively when I'm angry.
Catch a pop fly.
8. Things you are proud of yourself for doing.
Graduating from college.
"Making it" on my own without needing financial support from others.
Joining a band, even if it was only for 2 weeks.
9. Things you regret doing in 2007.
Bottling my frustration at work instead of trying to actively resolve problems.
Hiding instead of socializing.
Putting my bass guitar away and never playing it.
10. Things that you want to accomplish in 2008.
Join another band, maybe as a singer this time.
Become happy at my current job or find a different one.
Travel some place new just for fun.
++ Bonus Question ++
Without giving it too much thought, list 20 of your favorite things.
1. Junk food.
2. Nature.
3. Home.
4. My cat.
5. Flying down the side of a mountain on two sticks.
6. Looking at the stars.
7. Warm blankets.
8. Laughing with my friends.
9. Movies.
10. Singing.
11. The Puget Sound.
12. Thoughtful and engaging conversation.
13. The rush of live music.
14. Exploring information.
15. Long showers.
16. Stormy weather.
17. Being creative in any form.
18. Lazy days.
19. Knowing that we played a good game, win or lose.
20. Any new idea that makes me stop and reconsider myself.
Sunday, November 4, 2007
Should I Shut Up?
Perhaps.
Sometimes in the course of saying what one needs to say, additional thoughts come out at the same time. If it happens, it's because it needs to.
I realize that my blogs and many of my comments might be difficult to read because they're so damn long. But I write mainly for self expression. Communication with others is a secondary goal in most cases.
So perhaps not.
Would you really want me to censor myself? If I did, wouldn't it defeat the purpose of me coming here in the first place?
I am who I am, and I say what I have to say in as many words as it takes. I am incapable of hiding myself, so I just let it all hang out, for better or worse. Do with it what you will.
Sometimes in the course of saying what one needs to say, additional thoughts come out at the same time. If it happens, it's because it needs to.
I realize that my blogs and many of my comments might be difficult to read because they're so damn long. But I write mainly for self expression. Communication with others is a secondary goal in most cases.
So perhaps not.
Would you really want me to censor myself? If I did, wouldn't it defeat the purpose of me coming here in the first place?
I am who I am, and I say what I have to say in as many words as it takes. I am incapable of hiding myself, so I just let it all hang out, for better or worse. Do with it what you will.
It's About Time
A little over a year ago, I moved out of my boyfriend's house. He and I had dated for several years, and lived together for two. Our relationship was going no where. It's actually funny now that I think back on it... we didn't really have any major problems. We didn't fight. There was no jealousy. Our life goals were not so different that we couldn't meet in the middle. But for some reason, there was still a deep seated anger and bitterness. We both grew to hate each other, but not for any specific reason.
We never talked about it. Neither of us wanted to deal with it. In the end, it was easier to part ways and move on with our lives as individuals than to try working things out together. I moved into my own apartment and I never looked back.
I've been on my own ever since then, and honestly, I've really enjoyed it. This is the first time I've had extended alone time since before I started dating boys back in high school. Needless to say, it had been a while. This was just the break I needed.
But now that it's been over a year, I'm starting to get that lonely feeling again, like I need some companionship. I think I've finally gotten over the "boys are icky" mentality that I had for so long. I'm starting to think about... *gasp*... dating again.
It's weird even to write that. It's been so far off my radar for such a long time now. I mean, it's been what... 4 or 5 years since the last time I got to know somebody new? What if I don't remember how to meet people anymore? I'm a terrible judge of initial character - first impressions fool me every time. And I'm so retarded when I get nervous. What if I don't know how to act? What if I'm not attractive anymore?
... The anxiety takes hold ...
But you know, when the time is right, I think it will just happen. I'll start branching out socially and meeting new people, and eventually one of them will be someone I'm interested in.
I miss things about guys. Broad strong shoulders. Arms that wrap around me and make me feel safe and loved. The warm chest that turns into my favorite pillow. The stubbly chin that rubs my cheek like sandpaper. That masculine smell that all men have - how can they stink and smell so good?
Mmm... I wish I had a warm boy right now...
I used to wish I had a coin operated boy, like in the Dresden Dolls song. I love that song.
But I think maybe I'm finally ready for some good old fashioned complication in my life, the kind that only comes from hanging out with a real boy.
This should be fun! ;-)
We never talked about it. Neither of us wanted to deal with it. In the end, it was easier to part ways and move on with our lives as individuals than to try working things out together. I moved into my own apartment and I never looked back.
I've been on my own ever since then, and honestly, I've really enjoyed it. This is the first time I've had extended alone time since before I started dating boys back in high school. Needless to say, it had been a while. This was just the break I needed.
But now that it's been over a year, I'm starting to get that lonely feeling again, like I need some companionship. I think I've finally gotten over the "boys are icky" mentality that I had for so long. I'm starting to think about... *gasp*... dating again.
It's weird even to write that. It's been so far off my radar for such a long time now. I mean, it's been what... 4 or 5 years since the last time I got to know somebody new? What if I don't remember how to meet people anymore? I'm a terrible judge of initial character - first impressions fool me every time. And I'm so retarded when I get nervous. What if I don't know how to act? What if I'm not attractive anymore?
... The anxiety takes hold ...
But you know, when the time is right, I think it will just happen. I'll start branching out socially and meeting new people, and eventually one of them will be someone I'm interested in.
I miss things about guys. Broad strong shoulders. Arms that wrap around me and make me feel safe and loved. The warm chest that turns into my favorite pillow. The stubbly chin that rubs my cheek like sandpaper. That masculine smell that all men have - how can they stink and smell so good?
Mmm... I wish I had a warm boy right now...
I used to wish I had a coin operated boy, like in the Dresden Dolls song. I love that song.
coin operated boy
sitting on the shelf he is just a toy
but i turn him on and he comes to life
automatic joy
that is why i want a coin operated boy
made of plastic and elastic
he is rugged and long-lasting
who could ever ever ask for more
love without complications galore
many shapes and weights to choose from
i will never leave my bedroom
i will never cry at night again
wrap my arms around him and pretend....
coin operated boy
all the other real ones that i destroy
cannot hold a candle to my new boy and i'll
never let him go and i'll never be alone
not with my coin operated boy......
sitting on the shelf he is just a toy
but i turn him on and he comes to life
automatic joy
that is why i want a coin operated boy
made of plastic and elastic
he is rugged and long-lasting
who could ever ever ask for more
love without complications galore
many shapes and weights to choose from
i will never leave my bedroom
i will never cry at night again
wrap my arms around him and pretend....
coin operated boy
all the other real ones that i destroy
cannot hold a candle to my new boy and i'll
never let him go and i'll never be alone
not with my coin operated boy......
But I think maybe I'm finally ready for some good old fashioned complication in my life, the kind that only comes from hanging out with a real boy.
This should be fun! ;-)
Friday, November 2, 2007
The Honest Truth
101 Questions and Answers about me. Special thanks to An Interested Party for posting this on her blog.
1. What is your favorite color? Green, with purple at a close second.
2. You can choose to have one superpower- what would you pick? The ability to absorb every other superpower I come into contact with like Peter Petrelli on Heroes. ;-)
3. What is your favorite book? The Mysteries of Harris Burdick by Chris Van Allsburg.
4. Were you ever arrested? No.
5. Do you have a favorite pet? My cat Nina.
6. What is your favorite condiment? It depends on the food - I don't have one favorite.
7. How tall are you? 5'7"
8. What don't you ever leave home without? A sweater or jacket - I'm always cold!
9. Can you burp the alphabet? No.
10. What loss has been the most devastating? My sense of self.
11. What do you do when you're nervous? I tense up, I break into a cold sweat, and everything out of my mouth sounds like something I would never say. I exaggerate too much.
12. What is your lucky number? 7 and 22.
13. Did you ever shoot a gun? Only a BB gun when I was in high school.
14. Were you born with any birth defects? I have a heart murmur, but that's all that I know of.
15. What sport do you enjoy watching the most? I'm not really into watching sports. I like live events, but I'll never watch any sport on TV.
16. What sport do you enjoy participating in the most? Skiing, softball, and ultimate frisbee.
17. Have you ever contemplated suicide? Yes.
18. What is your favorite flavor of bubble gum? I can't chew gum because of my TMJ, but I used to like strawberry or spearmint.
19. What personality trait is the most important? Magnetism.
20. How many times a week do you pleasure yourself? Maybe once or twice a month, if that.
21. You must give up one of your five senses- which can you live without? Taste.
22. What is your favorite scent? The salty air around the Puget Sound.
23. What is your favorite sound? The wind in the trees, or waves crashing on the beach.
24. What is your favorite thing to look at? The night sky.
25. What is your favorite thing to touch? Wet clay.
26. What is your favorite flavor? Chocolate, or cheese and garlic.
27. Did you ever call a phone sex number? No.
28. Who would you like to say thank you to? My painting teacher from college who passed away last year.
29. What topic is your favorite to talk about? Oh gosh. I like talking about all kinds of things. Social observations, sciency things, music, movies. WoW.
30. Who are your top 3 girl crushes? Amanda Palmer, Michelle Yeoh, Natalie Portman.
31. Who are your top 3 guy crushes? Johnny Depp, Gerard Way, Milo Ventimiglia.
32. What is on your favorite sandwich? Turkey with cheese and bacon.
33. Do you ever read your horoscope? No, I can write my own horoscope. The ones in the newspapers are all B.S. anyway.
34. What is the best thing about your gender? Expanded awareness (as opposed to focuses awareness) and nurturing.
35. What is the best thing about the opposite gender? How they can make me feel small and protected.
36. Did you ever buy something from a TV infomercial? No.
37. What has been your favorite job? This is perhaps the wrong time in my life to be answering this question. I am immensely frustrated with my current job, therefore I can't think of anything positive about any job at the moment. Maybe tomorrow after I've had a good night's sleep.
38. You have to dye your hair a mix of two colors, which do you choose? Black and red.
39. What is your favorite snack food? All of them. ^_^ Chips & salsa, triscuits, cheese, tots, yogurt. I could go on, but I won't.
40. Do you collect anything? CDs and DVDs. I still have a coin collection but haven't added to it in years.
41. A book is being written about you...title suggestion? “Quiet Turmoil”
42. When did you last pray? I don't pray, at least not to a Christian god.
43. How many tattoos do you have? None.
44. Who makes you laugh the most? Tuong.
45. What is your favorite quote? Anything from Zoolander. "I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!"
46. Do you still have your favorite childhood toy? Yes, my baby blanket and my first stuffed animal. I used to take them everywhere.
47. What are you most often complemented on? Looking nice when I dress up (probably because it doesn't happen very often).
48. What CD do you listen to the most? The MCR mix, Muse mix, and Stereolab mix get even rotation.
49. If you got to choose, how would you die? Peacefully in my sleep. I just wouldn't wake up.
50. How many piercings do you have? Two in each ear.
51. Are you left or right handed? Right.
52. What is your favorite beverage? Jasmine tea.
53. Can you change a flat tire? In theory, yes, but in practice...?
54. When do you feel you are most attractive? After I've had a few beers? lol. No, probably when I'm dressed in something that fits my shape and I've actually taken the time to do something with my hair and makeup.
55. What event made the most impact on your life? The whole of college. So many life changing events happened during that time. It shaped who I am today.
56. Which "ex" do you miss the most? Toss up between Casey or Mark, for different reasons.
57. What celebrity would have the coolest nervous breakdown? Who cares.
58. What is your favorite alcoholic beverage? Margaritas!
59. How do you top the perfect sundae? Hot fudge or maybe some fresh raspberries.
60. What TV show do you secretly watch? America's Next Top Model.
61. What is your favorite outfit? Jeans and a t-shirt with comfortable shoes.
62. What is your least favorite household chore? Putting things away. I'm good at dishes, laundry, vacuuming, cleaning the toilet, and all the other normal stuff, but I'm terrible about removing clutter.
63. What is the strangest trick your body can do? My fingers are really flexible, but that's not very interesting. My friends would probably say it's strange that I eat so much junk food but never gain weight.
64. What was the best gift you ever got? My easel.
65. Which of the seven sins do you commit the most? Ah Hell, I'm a fan of all seven. But right now... I'm gonna have to go with wrath. Couldn't resist. :-P
66. What is your favorite charity? Humane Society.
67. Which language do you wish you knew? All of them. Seriously! I love languages.
68. What would you have named yourself? I honestly can't imagine myself with any other name but the one I have. I like my name.
69. What is your best contribution to the world? Honest and compassionate friendship. I like to think my contribution in the lives of individuals makes a difference in the world as a whole.
70. What song are you embarrassed to admit knowing all the words to? "Spice Up Your Life".
71. What song gets stuck in your head most often? It changes. It's usually a newer song (new to me, anyway) that I really like. Sometimes it's a song tied to a particular experience or memory. For example, after I went to Projekt Revolution, I had "No More Sorrow" by Linkin Park stuck in my head for weeks because it was the song they opened with, and it was a powerful moment in the show for me. When that happens, I need to listen to it constantly until it goes away.
72. You can kill one person and get away with it. Who should I warn? My ex-step-father. My family's lives would be so much easier without him.
73. What is your perfect meal? Picadillo enchilada with rice and beans, or pasta with chicken and any kind of cheese or herb cream sauce. Or a bacon cheeseburger. Mmm... tasty food.
74. What one color would you obliterate from the planet? Khaki.
75. Do you have a favorite car? I've always wanted a Mini Cooper.
76. What physical quality of yours do you like the most? I frequently change my mind on this. Sometimes my hair, sometimes my smile, sometimes my cheekbones. Sometimes I just think I'm funky looking and I don't like anything about myself.
77. What is your favorite season? Autumn.
78. What is your worst habit? Handing out unsolicited advice.
79. Do you bite your tongue or tell them like it is? Depends on the person and my level of care and respect for them. If I care and respect someone, I tell it like it is.
80. What is your favorite holiday? Turkey Day!
81. If you could visit a different county, which would it be? Japan, New Zealand, France, Ireland, Scotland.
82. What was your favorite childhood game? I always liked card games.
83. What do people need more of? Compassion.
84. What do people need less of? Self Righteousness.
85. What's the scariest thing in your fridge? Year and a half old Coors Light. Someone brought it to my house for a party and left it here.
86. What is your favorite sexual position? Any position where we can embrace each other.
87. Do you have a hidden talent? If I knew the answer to this, it wouldn't be hidden, would it?
88. What was the worst part of your childhood? When my step-father abused my mom.
89. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? My health and energy level.
90. What do you fear the most? Never feeling like I have a purpose in life.
91. Which would you rather be a contestant on- American Idol, So You Think You Can Dance or America's Next Top Model? America's Next Top Model! ^_^
92. Which would you rather attend- the opera, a poetry recital or a random lecture? The opera.
93. Would you ever bare your soul to a stranger in a letter? In some respects, I already have. So I guess that's a yes.
94. When are you at your happiest? During that time after I've woken up but I haven't gotten out of bed yet. Those few moments of warm comfortable laziness are my favorite.
95. What is your favorite game as an adult? World of Warcraft. I know, I'm a dork.
96. What celebrity would you most like to have dinner with? I don't know. What would I have to say to a celebrity? I'd rather eat dinner with a friend.
97. What time period do you wish you lived in? The future.
98. Which TV personality would you want a one night hook up with? None of them.
99. What friend do you miss the most? Michelle.
100. What one thing will you try not to do again? Become so severely depressed that I want to die.
101. Why did you want to answer these questions? An Interested Party posted them, and I enjoyed reading her answers so much that I decided to post my own.
Goodness, that took a long time!
1. What is your favorite color? Green, with purple at a close second.
2. You can choose to have one superpower- what would you pick? The ability to absorb every other superpower I come into contact with like Peter Petrelli on Heroes. ;-)
3. What is your favorite book? The Mysteries of Harris Burdick by Chris Van Allsburg.
4. Were you ever arrested? No.
5. Do you have a favorite pet? My cat Nina.
6. What is your favorite condiment? It depends on the food - I don't have one favorite.
7. How tall are you? 5'7"
8. What don't you ever leave home without? A sweater or jacket - I'm always cold!
9. Can you burp the alphabet? No.
10. What loss has been the most devastating? My sense of self.
11. What do you do when you're nervous? I tense up, I break into a cold sweat, and everything out of my mouth sounds like something I would never say. I exaggerate too much.
12. What is your lucky number? 7 and 22.
13. Did you ever shoot a gun? Only a BB gun when I was in high school.
14. Were you born with any birth defects? I have a heart murmur, but that's all that I know of.
15. What sport do you enjoy watching the most? I'm not really into watching sports. I like live events, but I'll never watch any sport on TV.
16. What sport do you enjoy participating in the most? Skiing, softball, and ultimate frisbee.
17. Have you ever contemplated suicide? Yes.
18. What is your favorite flavor of bubble gum? I can't chew gum because of my TMJ, but I used to like strawberry or spearmint.
19. What personality trait is the most important? Magnetism.
20. How many times a week do you pleasure yourself? Maybe once or twice a month, if that.
21. You must give up one of your five senses- which can you live without? Taste.
22. What is your favorite scent? The salty air around the Puget Sound.
23. What is your favorite sound? The wind in the trees, or waves crashing on the beach.
24. What is your favorite thing to look at? The night sky.
25. What is your favorite thing to touch? Wet clay.
26. What is your favorite flavor? Chocolate, or cheese and garlic.
27. Did you ever call a phone sex number? No.
28. Who would you like to say thank you to? My painting teacher from college who passed away last year.
29. What topic is your favorite to talk about? Oh gosh. I like talking about all kinds of things. Social observations, sciency things, music, movies. WoW.
30. Who are your top 3 girl crushes? Amanda Palmer, Michelle Yeoh, Natalie Portman.
31. Who are your top 3 guy crushes? Johnny Depp, Gerard Way, Milo Ventimiglia.
32. What is on your favorite sandwich? Turkey with cheese and bacon.
33. Do you ever read your horoscope? No, I can write my own horoscope. The ones in the newspapers are all B.S. anyway.
34. What is the best thing about your gender? Expanded awareness (as opposed to focuses awareness) and nurturing.
35. What is the best thing about the opposite gender? How they can make me feel small and protected.
36. Did you ever buy something from a TV infomercial? No.
37. What has been your favorite job? This is perhaps the wrong time in my life to be answering this question. I am immensely frustrated with my current job, therefore I can't think of anything positive about any job at the moment. Maybe tomorrow after I've had a good night's sleep.
38. You have to dye your hair a mix of two colors, which do you choose? Black and red.
39. What is your favorite snack food? All of them. ^_^ Chips & salsa, triscuits, cheese, tots, yogurt. I could go on, but I won't.
40. Do you collect anything? CDs and DVDs. I still have a coin collection but haven't added to it in years.
41. A book is being written about you...title suggestion? “Quiet Turmoil”
42. When did you last pray? I don't pray, at least not to a Christian god.
43. How many tattoos do you have? None.
44. Who makes you laugh the most? Tuong.
45. What is your favorite quote? Anything from Zoolander. "I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!"
46. Do you still have your favorite childhood toy? Yes, my baby blanket and my first stuffed animal. I used to take them everywhere.
47. What are you most often complemented on? Looking nice when I dress up (probably because it doesn't happen very often).
48. What CD do you listen to the most? The MCR mix, Muse mix, and Stereolab mix get even rotation.
49. If you got to choose, how would you die? Peacefully in my sleep. I just wouldn't wake up.
50. How many piercings do you have? Two in each ear.
51. Are you left or right handed? Right.
52. What is your favorite beverage? Jasmine tea.
53. Can you change a flat tire? In theory, yes, but in practice...?
54. When do you feel you are most attractive? After I've had a few beers? lol. No, probably when I'm dressed in something that fits my shape and I've actually taken the time to do something with my hair and makeup.
55. What event made the most impact on your life? The whole of college. So many life changing events happened during that time. It shaped who I am today.
56. Which "ex" do you miss the most? Toss up between Casey or Mark, for different reasons.
57. What celebrity would have the coolest nervous breakdown? Who cares.
58. What is your favorite alcoholic beverage? Margaritas!
59. How do you top the perfect sundae? Hot fudge or maybe some fresh raspberries.
60. What TV show do you secretly watch? America's Next Top Model.
61. What is your favorite outfit? Jeans and a t-shirt with comfortable shoes.
62. What is your least favorite household chore? Putting things away. I'm good at dishes, laundry, vacuuming, cleaning the toilet, and all the other normal stuff, but I'm terrible about removing clutter.
63. What is the strangest trick your body can do? My fingers are really flexible, but that's not very interesting. My friends would probably say it's strange that I eat so much junk food but never gain weight.
64. What was the best gift you ever got? My easel.
65. Which of the seven sins do you commit the most? Ah Hell, I'm a fan of all seven. But right now... I'm gonna have to go with wrath. Couldn't resist. :-P
66. What is your favorite charity? Humane Society.
67. Which language do you wish you knew? All of them. Seriously! I love languages.
68. What would you have named yourself? I honestly can't imagine myself with any other name but the one I have. I like my name.
69. What is your best contribution to the world? Honest and compassionate friendship. I like to think my contribution in the lives of individuals makes a difference in the world as a whole.
70. What song are you embarrassed to admit knowing all the words to? "Spice Up Your Life".
71. What song gets stuck in your head most often? It changes. It's usually a newer song (new to me, anyway) that I really like. Sometimes it's a song tied to a particular experience or memory. For example, after I went to Projekt Revolution, I had "No More Sorrow" by Linkin Park stuck in my head for weeks because it was the song they opened with, and it was a powerful moment in the show for me. When that happens, I need to listen to it constantly until it goes away.
72. You can kill one person and get away with it. Who should I warn? My ex-step-father. My family's lives would be so much easier without him.
73. What is your perfect meal? Picadillo enchilada with rice and beans, or pasta with chicken and any kind of cheese or herb cream sauce. Or a bacon cheeseburger. Mmm... tasty food.
74. What one color would you obliterate from the planet? Khaki.
75. Do you have a favorite car? I've always wanted a Mini Cooper.
76. What physical quality of yours do you like the most? I frequently change my mind on this. Sometimes my hair, sometimes my smile, sometimes my cheekbones. Sometimes I just think I'm funky looking and I don't like anything about myself.
77. What is your favorite season? Autumn.
78. What is your worst habit? Handing out unsolicited advice.
79. Do you bite your tongue or tell them like it is? Depends on the person and my level of care and respect for them. If I care and respect someone, I tell it like it is.
80. What is your favorite holiday? Turkey Day!
81. If you could visit a different county, which would it be? Japan, New Zealand, France, Ireland, Scotland.
82. What was your favorite childhood game? I always liked card games.
83. What do people need more of? Compassion.
84. What do people need less of? Self Righteousness.
85. What's the scariest thing in your fridge? Year and a half old Coors Light. Someone brought it to my house for a party and left it here.
86. What is your favorite sexual position? Any position where we can embrace each other.
87. Do you have a hidden talent? If I knew the answer to this, it wouldn't be hidden, would it?
88. What was the worst part of your childhood? When my step-father abused my mom.
89. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? My health and energy level.
90. What do you fear the most? Never feeling like I have a purpose in life.
91. Which would you rather be a contestant on- American Idol, So You Think You Can Dance or America's Next Top Model? America's Next Top Model! ^_^
92. Which would you rather attend- the opera, a poetry recital or a random lecture? The opera.
93. Would you ever bare your soul to a stranger in a letter? In some respects, I already have. So I guess that's a yes.
94. When are you at your happiest? During that time after I've woken up but I haven't gotten out of bed yet. Those few moments of warm comfortable laziness are my favorite.
95. What is your favorite game as an adult? World of Warcraft. I know, I'm a dork.
96. What celebrity would you most like to have dinner with? I don't know. What would I have to say to a celebrity? I'd rather eat dinner with a friend.
97. What time period do you wish you lived in? The future.
98. Which TV personality would you want a one night hook up with? None of them.
99. What friend do you miss the most? Michelle.
100. What one thing will you try not to do again? Become so severely depressed that I want to die.
101. Why did you want to answer these questions? An Interested Party posted them, and I enjoyed reading her answers so much that I decided to post my own.
Goodness, that took a long time!
Thursday, November 1, 2007
Come In, Make Yourself At Home
There's been some renewed interested in the identity of a blogger known as Mayonaise. An Interested Party posted some very pertinent questions, and while answering them I started thinking about my own experience with the friend I've mentioned here so many times before.
My friend... where do I even begin?
I "met" him online at the end of May. It was an unexpected connection. I never intended to start an online friendship with someone I'd never met in real life before. It was a first for me.
He had a girlfriend, who he talked about constantly. Eventually I "met" her online too and developed yet another unexpected friendship. I really liked her a lot. They were very much in love with each other, but they had problems, like everyone else, and I often found myself stuck in the middle. I became their go-to person for advice and support. I listened and mediated and tried to help when I could. I learned about their lives, their respective pasts, their interests and their plans for the future. I talked to one or both of them almost every day. During times when I didn't hear from them, I thought about them often and hoped they were doing well.
In September, I flew to meet her in person. I stayed at her family's house, met her sister, had lunch at the restaurant where she worked. We went to Projekt Revolution together. It was a great time, I really had fun! I hoped I might meet him in person during the same trip, but unbeknownst to she or I, he had plans of his own and they didn't include us. In fact, we were outright excluded, in a mean and hurtful way.
After that, they drifted apart from one another. He disappeared for weeks and I missed his usual presence online. She became more scarce too. Eventually he started talking again, and he apologized to me for the way he treated us. I unloaded all of my frustrations on him, and he graciously listened. I thought things would get back to "normal", but he was only around for a couple of weeks before he disappeared again. She and I still text each other once in a while, but much less frequently than we used to. I miss them both.
At least with her, I was actually able to meet and spent time with her. I know what kind of a person she is, and I like her very much. With him... I've only seen him from a distance. I know what he looks like, he knows what I look like, and we've even made eye contact and shared a couple of knowing glances. But that's as close as he's willing to come.
Two very different people, both of whom I met on the internet. What were their intentions? For that matter, what were mine?
The whole situation makes me realize that I can learn all kinds of details about a person's life but still not know that person for who he really is. He can tell me whatever he wants to, but I'll probably never know the difference between the truth, a lie, or an omission. I've never heard his voice speaking to me, so it's very difficult to infer a tone of voice in his writing. Half the time I can't tell when he's being serious or sarcastic.
So... knowing what I know from this experience, and now thinking about Mayonaise and all the people who believe it to be Gerard Way or possibly some other member of MCR..........
There's just no way to be certain who Mayonaise is. Even if he comes right out and says, "yes, this is really Gerard, but please don't tell a bunch of people." Even if you spend months talking to him in email or instant message. Even if you meet and hang out with someone close to him. No matter how many clues he drops, or how much detective work we do, we may never uncover the truth.
The only truth in the internet is that each of us can come here and be whoever we want to be without ever giving up our secrets. You can be as anonymous as you want, or not at all. It's all a choice.
I think it's a little ironic. All this information at my fingertips... I can see realtime video footage of a concert happening half way around the world, but I still don't really know who my friend is!
Welcome to the internet, folks. It's a brave new world.
My friend... where do I even begin?
I "met" him online at the end of May. It was an unexpected connection. I never intended to start an online friendship with someone I'd never met in real life before. It was a first for me.
He had a girlfriend, who he talked about constantly. Eventually I "met" her online too and developed yet another unexpected friendship. I really liked her a lot. They were very much in love with each other, but they had problems, like everyone else, and I often found myself stuck in the middle. I became their go-to person for advice and support. I listened and mediated and tried to help when I could. I learned about their lives, their respective pasts, their interests and their plans for the future. I talked to one or both of them almost every day. During times when I didn't hear from them, I thought about them often and hoped they were doing well.
In September, I flew to meet her in person. I stayed at her family's house, met her sister, had lunch at the restaurant where she worked. We went to Projekt Revolution together. It was a great time, I really had fun! I hoped I might meet him in person during the same trip, but unbeknownst to she or I, he had plans of his own and they didn't include us. In fact, we were outright excluded, in a mean and hurtful way.
After that, they drifted apart from one another. He disappeared for weeks and I missed his usual presence online. She became more scarce too. Eventually he started talking again, and he apologized to me for the way he treated us. I unloaded all of my frustrations on him, and he graciously listened. I thought things would get back to "normal", but he was only around for a couple of weeks before he disappeared again. She and I still text each other once in a while, but much less frequently than we used to. I miss them both.
At least with her, I was actually able to meet and spent time with her. I know what kind of a person she is, and I like her very much. With him... I've only seen him from a distance. I know what he looks like, he knows what I look like, and we've even made eye contact and shared a couple of knowing glances. But that's as close as he's willing to come.
Two very different people, both of whom I met on the internet. What were their intentions? For that matter, what were mine?
The whole situation makes me realize that I can learn all kinds of details about a person's life but still not know that person for who he really is. He can tell me whatever he wants to, but I'll probably never know the difference between the truth, a lie, or an omission. I've never heard his voice speaking to me, so it's very difficult to infer a tone of voice in his writing. Half the time I can't tell when he's being serious or sarcastic.
So... knowing what I know from this experience, and now thinking about Mayonaise and all the people who believe it to be Gerard Way or possibly some other member of MCR..........
There's just no way to be certain who Mayonaise is. Even if he comes right out and says, "yes, this is really Gerard, but please don't tell a bunch of people." Even if you spend months talking to him in email or instant message. Even if you meet and hang out with someone close to him. No matter how many clues he drops, or how much detective work we do, we may never uncover the truth.
The only truth in the internet is that each of us can come here and be whoever we want to be without ever giving up our secrets. You can be as anonymous as you want, or not at all. It's all a choice.
I think it's a little ironic. All this information at my fingertips... I can see realtime video footage of a concert happening half way around the world, but I still don't really know who my friend is!
Welcome to the internet, folks. It's a brave new world.
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Only In Dreams
My Dear Friend,
I had a dream about you last night. Actually, I've had a few of them now. It always happens when you disappear for extended lengths of time, as you have done once again. Apparently you lodged yourself deeper into my subconscious than I realized.
Would you like to know what happens in my dreams? I will tell you.
.....
Dream #1:
You and I arrange to meet up somewhere so we can hang out. I get there, but you have not arrived yet. I wait. You never show up. Just when I'm about give up on you and leave, your friend shows up with a look on his face like a sad puppy who's in trouble for doing something wrong. Except he didn't do anything wrong. He tells me that at the last minute, you decided for whatever reason that you couldn't meet up with me, and you didn't bother to let me know. You were just going to leave me hanging. Your friend apologizes profusely for this. It clearly bothers him personally, even though he's never met me before today. I don't know whether he's upset because of how you've treated me, or because of how you're acting in general. Maybe both. Your friend offers to get a cup of coffee with me, and we end up talking for hours. He's a really sweet guy with a great personality and a big heart. Someone eventually comes to pick him up, and you are in the vehicle with the driver, but you won't even step out to say hello. Your friend apologizes again, I thank him for talking, and then you're both gone.
Dream #2
I'm hanging out with you and a group of people, except I can never see your face. I can see everyone else's face, including the same friend from the last dream. Every time he looks at me, I get the feeling he wants to tell me something is wrong. Everyone seems to choose their words carefully around you, and I don't quite understand why. It's as if there was some recent confrontation that nobody will tell me about. Your body language is simultaneously tense and relaxed. How do you do that? You always look away from me. Even when you look directly at me, I still can't see you. Eventually you disappear, and I wonder where you went. Nobody knows, or else they won't say anything. Your other friend, who I've spoken with a few times, acts like nothing is wrong. He's either oblivious or intentionally ignorant. It's a stark contrast in behavior compared to the first friend I mentioned, who is obviously frustrated.
Dream #3 (from last night)
I'm with you at a show. We're standing in the middle of a big group of people - maybe the pit, maybe the beer garden - I don't remember for sure. People everywhere. I still can't see your face. You discover that someone close to you has betrayed you. Understandably, you get very upset. I try to console you, but you don't want to be consoled. Your anger grows and becomes disproportionate to the offense, and I get the sense that you're using this event as an excuse to unleash your fury without being questioned. How could anyone question you, SHE was the one who did the damage, not you. Or so you say. I wonder to myself if you also may have done some damage that you're not telling me about. You go off to be alone for a while, and you say you'll find me later. But I never see you again. Your friend (same one from before) hangs out with me for a little while, but he has other things to do, so he leaves too. Later I'm looking for you, but I get swept up in a crowd of people all moving in the same direction, and I can't get out. I'm forced to go with the flow until there's an outlet. Along the way I pass by several people I recognize and I ask them where you are, but nobody knows. Or they won't say. Eventually someone tells me your friend is trying to find me, but that he keeps getting tied up with business and hasn't been able to get out to meet me. I finally find my way out of the crowd, and I sit down on a grassy hill and just wait and wonder. I never see you or your friend again.
.....
Are we sensing any themes here?
You know... I told you in my previous blog that when you first started talking to me, I thought you just needed someone who was unknown to talk to. I also told you that maybe I needed the same thing. I am now coming to realize that I needed it more than I thought I did, and I even started to rely on it. I started to rely on you. I looked forward to seeing you online every night, even though most of the time you wanted to talk about your own problems and didn't really want to hear about mine. ...wait, that's not fair for me to say... sometimes you do want to hear about my life. It just seems to depend on your mood, which changes frequently and drastically. The point is that when you disappear, you are missed. And I get frustrated with you for being gone.
I guess it was wrong for me to develop an attachment to our conversations and our friendship. I don't even really know you. For a time, I thought I did. I definitely know certain things about you, but I'm pretty sure you only shared exactly what you wanted me to know and not one bit more. I guess you could say the same thing about me. Afterall, we're just a pair of strangers who met on the internet. You can't be too safe these days.
Anyway, you're gone again, and I think this time I'm going to stop looking for your return. I know that you'll find me if and when you need me, when you have the time and motivation. Until then, I must concentrate my efforts on the people who actually care to be present in my life. I've found that there are many - even when I feel alone, there is always somone close who is willing to talk or listen. I hope one day you will realize the same thing. None of us are ever truly alone unless we choose to be. Right now, I'm choosing not to be.
Only in dreams
We see what it means.
Reach out our hands.
Hold onto hers.
But when we wake
It's all been erased.
And so it seems
Only in dreams.
P.S. I'm awake now.
I had a dream about you last night. Actually, I've had a few of them now. It always happens when you disappear for extended lengths of time, as you have done once again. Apparently you lodged yourself deeper into my subconscious than I realized.
Would you like to know what happens in my dreams? I will tell you.
.....
Dream #1:
You and I arrange to meet up somewhere so we can hang out. I get there, but you have not arrived yet. I wait. You never show up. Just when I'm about give up on you and leave, your friend shows up with a look on his face like a sad puppy who's in trouble for doing something wrong. Except he didn't do anything wrong. He tells me that at the last minute, you decided for whatever reason that you couldn't meet up with me, and you didn't bother to let me know. You were just going to leave me hanging. Your friend apologizes profusely for this. It clearly bothers him personally, even though he's never met me before today. I don't know whether he's upset because of how you've treated me, or because of how you're acting in general. Maybe both. Your friend offers to get a cup of coffee with me, and we end up talking for hours. He's a really sweet guy with a great personality and a big heart. Someone eventually comes to pick him up, and you are in the vehicle with the driver, but you won't even step out to say hello. Your friend apologizes again, I thank him for talking, and then you're both gone.
Dream #2
I'm hanging out with you and a group of people, except I can never see your face. I can see everyone else's face, including the same friend from the last dream. Every time he looks at me, I get the feeling he wants to tell me something is wrong. Everyone seems to choose their words carefully around you, and I don't quite understand why. It's as if there was some recent confrontation that nobody will tell me about. Your body language is simultaneously tense and relaxed. How do you do that? You always look away from me. Even when you look directly at me, I still can't see you. Eventually you disappear, and I wonder where you went. Nobody knows, or else they won't say anything. Your other friend, who I've spoken with a few times, acts like nothing is wrong. He's either oblivious or intentionally ignorant. It's a stark contrast in behavior compared to the first friend I mentioned, who is obviously frustrated.
Dream #3 (from last night)
I'm with you at a show. We're standing in the middle of a big group of people - maybe the pit, maybe the beer garden - I don't remember for sure. People everywhere. I still can't see your face. You discover that someone close to you has betrayed you. Understandably, you get very upset. I try to console you, but you don't want to be consoled. Your anger grows and becomes disproportionate to the offense, and I get the sense that you're using this event as an excuse to unleash your fury without being questioned. How could anyone question you, SHE was the one who did the damage, not you. Or so you say. I wonder to myself if you also may have done some damage that you're not telling me about. You go off to be alone for a while, and you say you'll find me later. But I never see you again. Your friend (same one from before) hangs out with me for a little while, but he has other things to do, so he leaves too. Later I'm looking for you, but I get swept up in a crowd of people all moving in the same direction, and I can't get out. I'm forced to go with the flow until there's an outlet. Along the way I pass by several people I recognize and I ask them where you are, but nobody knows. Or they won't say. Eventually someone tells me your friend is trying to find me, but that he keeps getting tied up with business and hasn't been able to get out to meet me. I finally find my way out of the crowd, and I sit down on a grassy hill and just wait and wonder. I never see you or your friend again.
.....
Are we sensing any themes here?
You know... I told you in my previous blog that when you first started talking to me, I thought you just needed someone who was unknown to talk to. I also told you that maybe I needed the same thing. I am now coming to realize that I needed it more than I thought I did, and I even started to rely on it. I started to rely on you. I looked forward to seeing you online every night, even though most of the time you wanted to talk about your own problems and didn't really want to hear about mine. ...wait, that's not fair for me to say... sometimes you do want to hear about my life. It just seems to depend on your mood, which changes frequently and drastically. The point is that when you disappear, you are missed. And I get frustrated with you for being gone.
I guess it was wrong for me to develop an attachment to our conversations and our friendship. I don't even really know you. For a time, I thought I did. I definitely know certain things about you, but I'm pretty sure you only shared exactly what you wanted me to know and not one bit more. I guess you could say the same thing about me. Afterall, we're just a pair of strangers who met on the internet. You can't be too safe these days.
Anyway, you're gone again, and I think this time I'm going to stop looking for your return. I know that you'll find me if and when you need me, when you have the time and motivation. Until then, I must concentrate my efforts on the people who actually care to be present in my life. I've found that there are many - even when I feel alone, there is always somone close who is willing to talk or listen. I hope one day you will realize the same thing. None of us are ever truly alone unless we choose to be. Right now, I'm choosing not to be.
Only in dreams
We see what it means.
Reach out our hands.
Hold onto hers.
But when we wake
It's all been erased.
And so it seems
Only in dreams.
P.S. I'm awake now.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Still Here... Sometimes
I've strayed away from the blogs lately. I just don't have the energy. Every few days or so, I realize that I've missed reading and talking to all the lovely people here, and I start browsing the blogs again. But I'm always such a late arrival in the conversations that I don't often comment anymore.
I can't even begin to explain how much I hate my job right now, how much it sucks away my soul and my spark on a daily basis. Last week was the most horrible week of my entire working life and I still haven't recovered from it. Just thinking about it right now makes me want to run and hide. So that's what I do when I come home every night. I hide. I don't leave my house, I don't talk to people, I don't text, chat, or blog... I just hide. I don't have enough motivation for anything else.
Did I mention that I turned 30 this week? In the middle of all the nonsense at work, I had a milestone birthday. I even celebrated it at happy hour with some friends. But it feels like I missed it, like it didn't really happen.
I guess I'm depressed. I keep trying to avoid that topic, but I probably should address it.
I have dealt with depression for most of my life. I have been on a variety of medications for it, and I hate them all. Fortunately, I haven't taken anything in about 2 years now. I haven't needed it. But these last few months have been especially trying, and I can feel myself starting to slip again. One day soon I won't be able to get out of bed. I'll call in sick, and I'll sleep for 14 hours straight. Then I'll be a zombie because my sleep schedule is all fucked up. I'll stop caring, and I'll give up on trying to hold it together.
I don't want that to happen. Maybe this time because I see it coming I can steer myself in the right direction before it gets to that point. Is it possible?
Perhaps I will visit the blogs more often like I used to. Sometimes reading what everyone else has to say makes me realize that I'm being silly for hiding. We all have the same problems, and to some extent I've found comfort here, talking to genuine people who actually care even though we've never met in real life. Seems odd, doesn't it? The internet is both empty and full.
Thanks to everyone who is open and honest in their blogs. You've given me some inspiration tonight. Even you, Mayo. Who woulda thought?
P.S. I walk among the famous living dead.
I can't even begin to explain how much I hate my job right now, how much it sucks away my soul and my spark on a daily basis. Last week was the most horrible week of my entire working life and I still haven't recovered from it. Just thinking about it right now makes me want to run and hide. So that's what I do when I come home every night. I hide. I don't leave my house, I don't talk to people, I don't text, chat, or blog... I just hide. I don't have enough motivation for anything else.
Did I mention that I turned 30 this week? In the middle of all the nonsense at work, I had a milestone birthday. I even celebrated it at happy hour with some friends. But it feels like I missed it, like it didn't really happen.
I guess I'm depressed. I keep trying to avoid that topic, but I probably should address it.
I have dealt with depression for most of my life. I have been on a variety of medications for it, and I hate them all. Fortunately, I haven't taken anything in about 2 years now. I haven't needed it. But these last few months have been especially trying, and I can feel myself starting to slip again. One day soon I won't be able to get out of bed. I'll call in sick, and I'll sleep for 14 hours straight. Then I'll be a zombie because my sleep schedule is all fucked up. I'll stop caring, and I'll give up on trying to hold it together.
I don't want that to happen. Maybe this time because I see it coming I can steer myself in the right direction before it gets to that point. Is it possible?
Perhaps I will visit the blogs more often like I used to. Sometimes reading what everyone else has to say makes me realize that I'm being silly for hiding. We all have the same problems, and to some extent I've found comfort here, talking to genuine people who actually care even though we've never met in real life. Seems odd, doesn't it? The internet is both empty and full.
Thanks to everyone who is open and honest in their blogs. You've given me some inspiration tonight. Even you, Mayo. Who woulda thought?
P.S. I walk among the famous living dead.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Let There Be Light
My dear friend you have finally surfaced, and boy am I happy to know you're okay. Although you're not as okay as you could be, and once again I feel somewhat helpless on the sidelines, not able to help as much as I'd like to. But I know you'll get to where you need to be. How do you always manage to choose the bumpiest road possible? Maybe it's in your stars, to constantly challenge yourself. I just wish you didn't hurt so many others along the way. Stop to breathe once in a while, would you? Stop to think about the people around you who love you and care about you.
I'm still mad about that night. You were such an ass. Mostly, I feel bad for her. She cried, you know? You hurt us both, each in different ways. But I do appreciate that you're trying to make amends now. A little kindness can go a long way towards repairing burnt bridges, not just with me, but with her too. If you do still care about her, you should talk to her. Email her. Text her. Whatever it takes. She won't listen to it coming from me. She needs to hear it from you.
I want so much for you to be happy with your life. If happiness were something tangible, I'd have crates of it shipped to your doorstep. Haha, if only things were that easy, right?
Just keep trying. No matter what you choose for yourself, or what life throws at you, don't give up. And don't be afraid to admit when you've made a mistake. Don't let your own pride stop you from making it right. You're at your best when you're open and honest.
You know I'll be here to talk. I've got your back.
P.S. Bend and snap!
I'm still mad about that night. You were such an ass. Mostly, I feel bad for her. She cried, you know? You hurt us both, each in different ways. But I do appreciate that you're trying to make amends now. A little kindness can go a long way towards repairing burnt bridges, not just with me, but with her too. If you do still care about her, you should talk to her. Email her. Text her. Whatever it takes. She won't listen to it coming from me. She needs to hear it from you.
I want so much for you to be happy with your life. If happiness were something tangible, I'd have crates of it shipped to your doorstep. Haha, if only things were that easy, right?
Just keep trying. No matter what you choose for yourself, or what life throws at you, don't give up. And don't be afraid to admit when you've made a mistake. Don't let your own pride stop you from making it right. You're at your best when you're open and honest.
You know I'll be here to talk. I've got your back.
P.S. Bend and snap!
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
To My Friend
Dear Friend,
Drop the charade already. It's old and tired.
You may not realize it, but I've been carefully tip-toeing around you for months now. Why? Because you're volatile and you can be hard to deal with. I keep trying, because in spite of everything I think you're a good person inside and I care about you. But you do make it very difficult at times.
You want something.
You don't want it anymore.
You want it again.
You fucked it up.
You fixed it.
It's better than ever.
It's falling apart.
Everything is fine.
Up all night chain smoking.
Been betrayed.
Been the betrayer.
You'll fix it again.
You definitely want it for sure.
You're definitely NOT sure.
Convinced.
Confused.
Committed.
Afraid of commitment.
REALLY confused.
Suddenly married, but not to the person you planned.
Silent.
Absent.
Away.
It was never a problem for me to listen to you. I enjoyed it. There have been times when you've done the listening, and I've always appreciated it. You've been my lifeline more than once, although I'm not sure you knew it at the time.
Sometimes I wondered why you were sharing so much with me. In the end, I figured you just needed someone to talk to. Someone without history or judgement. Maybe I needed the same thing. It was beneficial for us both.
But when you stopped responding to me, I started losing respect for you. Don't you know, Dear Friend, that it's immature and mean to ignore someone without any explanation whatsoever? It's poor form. At least have the decency to say something. If you're just too busy right now, let me know. If you don't want to talk anymore, just tell me that. Don't leave me wondering where you've gone. After all the times I've been there for you, it's really not fair for you to leave me hanging like this.
I've been trying to get your attention for weeks now, but I'm starting to lose hope. Maybe you just don't want to be found or bothered. Maybe I should stop reaching out and accept the possibility that I may never talk to you again. You will have gone out of my life as quickly and unexpectedly as you entered it. If that's what you want, I will respect your wishes.
Just know that I still think you're good inside, and I will always care. No matter what.
- Andrea
P.S. I'm pretty sure there's a lot more to life than being really, really good looking. And I plan on finding out what that is.
Drop the charade already. It's old and tired.
You may not realize it, but I've been carefully tip-toeing around you for months now. Why? Because you're volatile and you can be hard to deal with. I keep trying, because in spite of everything I think you're a good person inside and I care about you. But you do make it very difficult at times.
You want something.
You don't want it anymore.
You want it again.
You fucked it up.
You fixed it.
It's better than ever.
It's falling apart.
Everything is fine.
Up all night chain smoking.
Been betrayed.
Been the betrayer.
You'll fix it again.
You definitely want it for sure.
You're definitely NOT sure.
Convinced.
Confused.
Committed.
Afraid of commitment.
REALLY confused.
Suddenly married, but not to the person you planned.
Silent.
Absent.
Away.
It was never a problem for me to listen to you. I enjoyed it. There have been times when you've done the listening, and I've always appreciated it. You've been my lifeline more than once, although I'm not sure you knew it at the time.
Sometimes I wondered why you were sharing so much with me. In the end, I figured you just needed someone to talk to. Someone without history or judgement. Maybe I needed the same thing. It was beneficial for us both.
But when you stopped responding to me, I started losing respect for you. Don't you know, Dear Friend, that it's immature and mean to ignore someone without any explanation whatsoever? It's poor form. At least have the decency to say something. If you're just too busy right now, let me know. If you don't want to talk anymore, just tell me that. Don't leave me wondering where you've gone. After all the times I've been there for you, it's really not fair for you to leave me hanging like this.
I've been trying to get your attention for weeks now, but I'm starting to lose hope. Maybe you just don't want to be found or bothered. Maybe I should stop reaching out and accept the possibility that I may never talk to you again. You will have gone out of my life as quickly and unexpectedly as you entered it. If that's what you want, I will respect your wishes.
Just know that I still think you're good inside, and I will always care. No matter what.
- Andrea
P.S. I'm pretty sure there's a lot more to life than being really, really good looking. And I plan on finding out what that is.
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