The boy has been gone for just over a week now, and I miss him terribly. We get to talk to each other in some form or another every single day. I realize how lucky I am for that. Even from a distance, he still cheers me up when I'm having a bad day, and makes me feel better when I'm sick. I am so thankful.
I keep thinking about what it's going to be like when he's gone for a whole year. It's going to be so difficult. We won't be able to talk every day. I'm not even sure what type of communication he will be allowed. I won't know where he is or what he's doing for days, weeks, maybe even months at a time. He could be sitting on his ass with nothing to do, or he could be in the middle of combat, in life threatening danger. I won't know either way.
Not knowing really bothers me.
See right now, even though I miss him and I wish he was here, I can still sleep soundly at night because I know he's safe and I know he'll be home soon.
I may have a lot of sleepless nights after he goes to Iraq.
I've been trying hard not to think about it, but I find that when I disengage myself from that line of thought, my emotional defenses kick in, and I actually disengage myself from him entirely. I become all detached about everything. It's weird. Maybe this is the same thing I did to myself when he first came back from training? Is it possible that I've grown so accustomed to protecting myself from people who might hurt me that I've actually learned to fall back on this defense mechanism preemptively in all situations that freak me out, or even ones that I just don't understand?
Man... my brain's a little fucked up.
One thing I'm learning about myself is that in order to feel the good happy emotions, I also need to feel the negative ones too. I need to feel scared and upset and angry. If I try to avoid those feelings, I end up shutting everything else down too. I don't want to avoid my fear and frustration if it means I can't feel love or joy. I have to accept the bad, the good, and everything in between. It's a whole package.
So here's me admitting to myself that, yeah, it fucking freaks me out. I want to hide and cry and pray to the universe for everything to turn out alright. I want to scream and swear and damn our arrogant government for getting us into this mess.
Why?
Because he brings so much love, peace and hope into my life, and I'm so damn grateful for every minute that we're together. I need to feel that. I need to appreciate it for what it's worth, because it means everything to me. And if I need to be freaked out in order for that to happen, then so be it.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Frosty
The only productive thing I did at work today.
You can't really see it in this photo, but he's got icicle horns, an icicle nose, and spindly tree branches for arms. His eyes and buttons are grapes.
:)
You can't really see it in this photo, but he's got icicle horns, an icicle nose, and spindly tree branches for arms. His eyes and buttons are grapes.
:)
Monday, December 22, 2008
Lonely And Trapped
How do Mondays always find me, even when I'm not at work?
I had some really bad dreams this morning, all centered around being alone, feeling abandoned, feeling stuck in a situation I couldn't get out of. After the first one, I woke up, looked at the empty pillow next to me where the boy used to sleep, and cried my eyes out for a good 20 minutes. I even started thinking about what it's going to be like when he goes on active duty for a year, and that made me cry harder.
When I finally got back to sleep, it was more of the same. Grandparents dying, people leaving and going their separate ways, even stuff from way back in my childhood like my mom leaving me alone to go to work full time, and in my dream, me being too small and helpless to make my own way.
I woke at about 10:00am to a text message from the boy. He'd heard that we got more snow. I hadn't even looked out the window yet.
I pulled myself up, still groggy and confused from my dreams, and literally had to shield my eyes from the glaring whiteness outside. More fucking snow. A lot more.
Then the boy called me, and we talked for a few minutes. It was so good to hear his voice. Although he is very bored where he is, and I'm bored here... makes me think we should be bored together in the same place. But we can't be.
When I hung up the phone, I cried again. Fucked up dreams, missing my partner, more snow and ice on the ground, and tomorrow I have to find a way to get to work in this.
I think being couped up alone is really starting to get to me. Today I'm going to attempt to walk out of here. I don't know where I'm gonna go - maybe just down the street to see what the roads look like beyond my hill. If I'm really brave, maybe I'll make it all the way to Wendy's. We'll see.
I just can't sit here any longer. Enough is enough already.
-----
EDIT:
I made it to Wendy's, ate some hot chili and a baked potato, and witnessed the chaos on the roads. It's been snowing lightly all day, and the plants on my patio look very sad. But at least I got out for a little bit. I feel much better. :)
I had some really bad dreams this morning, all centered around being alone, feeling abandoned, feeling stuck in a situation I couldn't get out of. After the first one, I woke up, looked at the empty pillow next to me where the boy used to sleep, and cried my eyes out for a good 20 minutes. I even started thinking about what it's going to be like when he goes on active duty for a year, and that made me cry harder.
When I finally got back to sleep, it was more of the same. Grandparents dying, people leaving and going their separate ways, even stuff from way back in my childhood like my mom leaving me alone to go to work full time, and in my dream, me being too small and helpless to make my own way.
I woke at about 10:00am to a text message from the boy. He'd heard that we got more snow. I hadn't even looked out the window yet.
I pulled myself up, still groggy and confused from my dreams, and literally had to shield my eyes from the glaring whiteness outside. More fucking snow. A lot more.
Then the boy called me, and we talked for a few minutes. It was so good to hear his voice. Although he is very bored where he is, and I'm bored here... makes me think we should be bored together in the same place. But we can't be.
When I hung up the phone, I cried again. Fucked up dreams, missing my partner, more snow and ice on the ground, and tomorrow I have to find a way to get to work in this.
I think being couped up alone is really starting to get to me. Today I'm going to attempt to walk out of here. I don't know where I'm gonna go - maybe just down the street to see what the roads look like beyond my hill. If I'm really brave, maybe I'll make it all the way to Wendy's. We'll see.
I just can't sit here any longer. Enough is enough already.
-----
EDIT:
I made it to Wendy's, ate some hot chili and a baked potato, and witnessed the chaos on the roads. It's been snowing lightly all day, and the plants on my patio look very sad. But at least I got out for a little bit. I feel much better. :)
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Bored
I don't get bored very often. I can always find something to do, even if it's mundane. But today...
Maybe it's the fact that I can't get out of my apartment complex to go anywhere because of the ice on the roads.
Maybe it's the fact that I've seen all my movies too many times.
Maybe it's the fact that this is the shortest day of the year, and it seems like it was just dark outside, and now it's dark again.
Maybe it's the fact that the boy is gone and I really, really miss him, and text messages just aren't cutting it.
I've been stuck inside by myself for two whole days, and by the looks of the weather forecast, I'll be stuck for at least one more. I'm tired of laying on the couch, I'm tired of surfing the web, I'm tired of being lonely and missing my boy.
Can you say cabin fever?
Bored, bored, bored.
At least I still have electricity...
... for now.
Maybe it's the fact that I can't get out of my apartment complex to go anywhere because of the ice on the roads.
Maybe it's the fact that I've seen all my movies too many times.
Maybe it's the fact that this is the shortest day of the year, and it seems like it was just dark outside, and now it's dark again.
Maybe it's the fact that the boy is gone and I really, really miss him, and text messages just aren't cutting it.
I've been stuck inside by myself for two whole days, and by the looks of the weather forecast, I'll be stuck for at least one more. I'm tired of laying on the couch, I'm tired of surfing the web, I'm tired of being lonely and missing my boy.
Can you say cabin fever?
Bored, bored, bored.
At least I still have electricity...
... for now.
Friday, December 19, 2008
Squealing Girl Alert!
Last night, the boy says "I was in the mall this afternoon, and I was thinking about you. I got you something."
I'm thinking like... he got me a movie or a game, or something else small and goofy.
"What did you get me, what did you get me???"
He hands me a little black box.
"Dude."
(My brain: "Holy shit! Seriously?")
I open the box...
He bought me a promise ring!
It's beautiful too, it's silver, with my birthstone and two small diamonds, one for him and one for me. He did an amazingly good job of picking something out that's totally "me". It's perfect and I love it.
The funny thing is, he was probing me for information all week long, trying to find out what stones I like, what size my fingers are, etc., yet I totally did not put two and two together. I mean, shit -- I've never been with a guy who would even think about doing something like this, so the idea that it could actually happen really hadn't entered my mind.
But that's why I love him. He keeps surprising me just by being who he is -- kind and caring and absolutely amazing. He is so good to me.
Is it crazy that this is happening so fast? When I stop to think about it, it really sort of blows my mind. But it doesn't feel fast at all. It feels exactly right. It's everything I've wanted and felt was missing from my life for the last 10 years.
I love him.
I can't wear the ring until I get it sized. I have scrawny little fingers and I don't know what size they are, so the jeweler recommended I come in myself so they can measure me.
I didn't tell anybody about it all day long, until I finally popped to one of my coworkers because we happened to be talking about relationship milestones. My plan is to just start wearing it and not talk about it. (I think I had too much fun watching people's reactions at the Christmas party - it's so fun to see the surprised looks on their faces.) Although once I have it on my finger, I might not be able to contain myself. I might have to walk around the office and show everybody. We'll see. ^_~
I've been smiling constantly since last night, even though the boy just left town for two weeks to visit his family. I'm going to miss him so much, especially since I won't be be able to visit my own family like I had planned because the road conditions are so terrible. I'll be spending this weekend home alone, probably being a nerd in front of the computer... unless by some chance the roads are clear enough for me to join my friends in Portland for a trip to Mt. Hood.
Anyway... Here's to a good weekend and happy holidays for all!
[girly grins from Andrea]
:D :D :D
I'm thinking like... he got me a movie or a game, or something else small and goofy.
"What did you get me, what did you get me???"
He hands me a little black box.
"Dude."
(My brain: "Holy shit! Seriously?")
I open the box...
He bought me a promise ring!
It's beautiful too, it's silver, with my birthstone and two small diamonds, one for him and one for me. He did an amazingly good job of picking something out that's totally "me". It's perfect and I love it.
The funny thing is, he was probing me for information all week long, trying to find out what stones I like, what size my fingers are, etc., yet I totally did not put two and two together. I mean, shit -- I've never been with a guy who would even think about doing something like this, so the idea that it could actually happen really hadn't entered my mind.
But that's why I love him. He keeps surprising me just by being who he is -- kind and caring and absolutely amazing. He is so good to me.
Is it crazy that this is happening so fast? When I stop to think about it, it really sort of blows my mind. But it doesn't feel fast at all. It feels exactly right. It's everything I've wanted and felt was missing from my life for the last 10 years.
I love him.
I can't wear the ring until I get it sized. I have scrawny little fingers and I don't know what size they are, so the jeweler recommended I come in myself so they can measure me.
I didn't tell anybody about it all day long, until I finally popped to one of my coworkers because we happened to be talking about relationship milestones. My plan is to just start wearing it and not talk about it. (I think I had too much fun watching people's reactions at the Christmas party - it's so fun to see the surprised looks on their faces.) Although once I have it on my finger, I might not be able to contain myself. I might have to walk around the office and show everybody. We'll see. ^_~
I've been smiling constantly since last night, even though the boy just left town for two weeks to visit his family. I'm going to miss him so much, especially since I won't be be able to visit my own family like I had planned because the road conditions are so terrible. I'll be spending this weekend home alone, probably being a nerd in front of the computer... unless by some chance the roads are clear enough for me to join my friends in Portland for a trip to Mt. Hood.
Anyway... Here's to a good weekend and happy holidays for all!
[girly grins from Andrea]
:D :D :D
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Truly
Last night I was sitting on the couch with the boy. We were both in a blah mood, just sitting there, not knowing what to do with our evening. Out of the blue, he started rubbing my feet. It felt so warm and relaxing. I was trying to think of the last time someone rubbed my feet. I can't remember. I think the last time it was him, before he left for training. And before that? I have no idea.
In the middle of that thought, I realized I had disengaged emotionally. All of a sudden, I felt very detached from the situation. I don't know for sure what caused it, but I'm guessing it was me trying to think back to previous boyfriends. That often makes me shut down.
Then I began analyzing...
What's wrong with me? Why can't I enjoy a moment without trying to relate it to the past somehow? Without shutting down?
All I've ever wanted, my whole adult life, is a partner and companion who would accept me for who I am, and love me and care for me unconditionally. Someone I can work with. Someone I can build a life with. After all my failed relationships, after all my searching, I find him sitting here, right in front of me, unexpectedly, and I haven't had to work for this at all - it's so easy! It just works, like it was meant to be.
He's sitting here, and he's rubbing my feet, and he's looking right at me with more warmth and love than I've ever seen in a man's eyes before...
And then I was back in the present, fully absorbed in him, melting.
But my analysis wasn't quite over yet...
How on earth can this be so easy? I've never been with someone who treated me this way, who loved me just for being me, who showed me in so many ways that I'm cared for. What did I do to deserve this?
... What if I don't deserve this?
Then I asked him, "Why are you so good to me? What did I do to deserve this?"
"Why do you have to do something to deserve it?" he said, still looking into my eyes. "You're smart. You're beautiful. You're a good person. You deserve it. You deserve everything."
I melted all over again. I just smiled and shook my head, still in a bit of disbelief that this was actually happening and I wasn't dreaming or hallucinating. "I'm so lucky," I said.
He smiled at me. "I'm lucky," he said.
Then he asked me to turn over, and he gave me a full back massage. I completely relaxed, lost in his strong but gentle touch.
He loves me.
And I am so in love with him.
In the middle of that thought, I realized I had disengaged emotionally. All of a sudden, I felt very detached from the situation. I don't know for sure what caused it, but I'm guessing it was me trying to think back to previous boyfriends. That often makes me shut down.
Then I began analyzing...
What's wrong with me? Why can't I enjoy a moment without trying to relate it to the past somehow? Without shutting down?
All I've ever wanted, my whole adult life, is a partner and companion who would accept me for who I am, and love me and care for me unconditionally. Someone I can work with. Someone I can build a life with. After all my failed relationships, after all my searching, I find him sitting here, right in front of me, unexpectedly, and I haven't had to work for this at all - it's so easy! It just works, like it was meant to be.
He's sitting here, and he's rubbing my feet, and he's looking right at me with more warmth and love than I've ever seen in a man's eyes before...
And then I was back in the present, fully absorbed in him, melting.
But my analysis wasn't quite over yet...
How on earth can this be so easy? I've never been with someone who treated me this way, who loved me just for being me, who showed me in so many ways that I'm cared for. What did I do to deserve this?
... What if I don't deserve this?
Then I asked him, "Why are you so good to me? What did I do to deserve this?"
"Why do you have to do something to deserve it?" he said, still looking into my eyes. "You're smart. You're beautiful. You're a good person. You deserve it. You deserve everything."
I melted all over again. I just smiled and shook my head, still in a bit of disbelief that this was actually happening and I wasn't dreaming or hallucinating. "I'm so lucky," I said.
He smiled at me. "I'm lucky," he said.
Then he asked me to turn over, and he gave me a full back massage. I completely relaxed, lost in his strong but gentle touch.
He loves me.
And I am so in love with him.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Christmas Party #2
I've been meaning to write about the last Christmas party, but I just haven't had much time. The weather's been crazy, I've been out and about, spending most of my free time with the boy, and I haven't had much time for anything else. Not that there's anything wrong with that -- I quite enjoy spending most of my free time with the boy. :)
I only worked a half day on Friday 12/12. I spent the whole afternoon getting my hair, nails, and makeup done. I've never in my life been this girly, but it sure was fun!
People never recognize me at our company Christmas parties because they're used to seeing me with my glasses on, in jeans and a hoodie with my hair down and no makeup. The people we rode in the elevator with had no idea who I was. I had an awkward conversation with the woman who works at our front desk as she tried to figure out which department I belong to. She even got kind of snappy with me because I didn't understand what she was asking, and she had to repeat herself before I realized she didn't recognize me and told her my name. Then she was all apologetic.
The party was on Friday, and today's Wednesday, and I'm still getting comments from people at work about how they didn't recognize me, or they talked to someone else who didn't recognize me. Even my boss today told me I was turning some heads. Usually I get uncomfortable when I'm the center of attention - I much prefer to sneak around and observe from the shadows. But I have to admit, it was fun to get all dressed up and then watch people's reactions.
The party itself was really fun. Everything was planned and scheduled, which is typical of my company's events. Dinner was at 6:30pm, followed with entertainment by a stand-up comedian, then live music and dancing. There were table games and photography in separate rooms adjoining the ballroom. The bar was open all night.
The boy was nervous about meeting my coworkers, but he said he liked everyone I introduced him to, and they all said they liked him too.
I had really wanted to drink and dance, but I'd been fighting a cold since Thursday and wasn't feeling very well. I took pills all day long, but they were starting to wear off by about half way through the party and I started getting tired. I still talked to a lot of people, took goofy photos, and played cards, but I wish I'd had more energy to dance and be more lively.
Anyway, it was a good night, and I'm glad I took the boy with me. I've got a few photos to share...
I love him. :)
I only worked a half day on Friday 12/12. I spent the whole afternoon getting my hair, nails, and makeup done. I've never in my life been this girly, but it sure was fun!
People never recognize me at our company Christmas parties because they're used to seeing me with my glasses on, in jeans and a hoodie with my hair down and no makeup. The people we rode in the elevator with had no idea who I was. I had an awkward conversation with the woman who works at our front desk as she tried to figure out which department I belong to. She even got kind of snappy with me because I didn't understand what she was asking, and she had to repeat herself before I realized she didn't recognize me and told her my name. Then she was all apologetic.
The party was on Friday, and today's Wednesday, and I'm still getting comments from people at work about how they didn't recognize me, or they talked to someone else who didn't recognize me. Even my boss today told me I was turning some heads. Usually I get uncomfortable when I'm the center of attention - I much prefer to sneak around and observe from the shadows. But I have to admit, it was fun to get all dressed up and then watch people's reactions.
The party itself was really fun. Everything was planned and scheduled, which is typical of my company's events. Dinner was at 6:30pm, followed with entertainment by a stand-up comedian, then live music and dancing. There were table games and photography in separate rooms adjoining the ballroom. The bar was open all night.
The boy was nervous about meeting my coworkers, but he said he liked everyone I introduced him to, and they all said they liked him too.
I had really wanted to drink and dance, but I'd been fighting a cold since Thursday and wasn't feeling very well. I took pills all day long, but they were starting to wear off by about half way through the party and I started getting tired. I still talked to a lot of people, took goofy photos, and played cards, but I wish I'd had more energy to dance and be more lively.
Anyway, it was a good night, and I'm glad I took the boy with me. I've got a few photos to share...
I love him. :)
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
In Spite Of Me
For a long time my motto has been "hope for the best, expect the worst." I go into situations with both optimism and caution.
This has the potential to go really well, and I want to do everything I can to make sure it does.... but I should still guard myself, just in case.
Where relationships are concerned, I'm usually involved with someone who is less optimistic than I am. I always manage to hook up with the guy who just got out of a serious relationship, or the guy who freaks out at the thought of any type of commitment. Someone who is cynical. Someone who refuses to look farther than two weeks down the road. Someone who would have reservations about any new relationship, whether it's with me or someone else.
I always see the signs, yet I still go into the relationship with the intention of looking for common ground. I'm willing to compromise to make it work, even to the point of making excuses for that person. I analyze the situation to death and I worry constantly about all the negatives, but even still, I hold on to the positives for dear life, recognizing red flags but ignoring them, thinking I can overcome them. It's a puzzle I need to solve. I persevere until the guy bails out or I'm too exhausted to continue, whichever comes first.
All the while, a part of myself remains tucked away and protected. I reach out with one hand while I keep the other hand hidden behind my back. For all my willingness to compromise, I still barricade myself in the corner to avoid getting hurt, and I'll even sabotage a potentially good situation just by closing myself off.
It often amazes me how I am able to extend myself so far in order to conquer a challenge while simultaneously pulling myself inward to remain safe and untouchable. It's a fine line, and it's a fucked up way of living, but I've come to rely on it.
Now, I've met someone who is not cynical, who is not afraid to look down the road, who is not freaked out at the thought of commitment. He thinks about me as much I as think about him. He wants to spend as much time with me as I want to spend with him. I keep looking for red flags, but there aren't any!
I keep thinking eventually I'm going to get exhausted, or there will be a compromise too big, or one of us will just get sick of hanging out and want to bail. But I can't get exhausted because the relationship gives me energy instead of taking it away. And there can't be a compromise too big because I haven't really had to make any compromises in the first place -- he and I are already in the same place, wanting the same things. And neither one of us has ever come close to being sick of hanging out -- we both look forward to seeing each other every day.
I'm not used to this, and in some ways I don't know how to deal with it. I can't operate by my usual methods. There's no need to overextend myself, and he won't let me hide. So I'm right here, out in the open, just being me. It freaks me out a little bit.
Do I have any good logical reason for being freaked out?
No, not really. He accepts me and cares for me just the way I am.
Nevertheless, it's hard not to fall back on old habits. I don't want to guard myself around him, he gives me no reason to, but it still happens from time to time, just out of routine.
I am trying. I am learning not to second guess this. And he's helping me quite a bit, just by being around, and being who he is.
He is not letting me go, and I don't want to let him go either. In fact, I'm pretty sure I could wake up next to him every morning for the rest of my life and be perfectly happy. Being with him is like being home. There is no one I would rather spend my time with.
I am falling in love with him.
I might already be there. "Those three words" have been on the tip of my tongue for the last week and a half. Why can't I get them out?
I don't know... maybe I want it to be the right time. Maybe I don't want to rush it. Maybe I want to make sure it's real. Or maybe I'm just making excuses for myself because once again, I'm habitually guarded. Maybe I'm afraid to fuck this up somehow.
But with each day that goes by, I come closer to the realization that I can't fuck this up. I think it might actually be impossible! He has accepted and embraced everything I've put in front of him, including this blog. So I am trying to just let it be.
In spite of me and my old fucked up habits, I have this amazing person in my life who sees me for who I am and honestly wants to spend time with me. He sings and dances and laughs and makes the silliest voices and facial expressions that always make me giggle. And he's got me convinced that he's not going anywhere anytime soon.
So I guess I need a new motto.
This has the potential to go really well, and I want to do everything I can to make sure it does.... but I should still guard myself, just in case.
Where relationships are concerned, I'm usually involved with someone who is less optimistic than I am. I always manage to hook up with the guy who just got out of a serious relationship, or the guy who freaks out at the thought of any type of commitment. Someone who is cynical. Someone who refuses to look farther than two weeks down the road. Someone who would have reservations about any new relationship, whether it's with me or someone else.
I always see the signs, yet I still go into the relationship with the intention of looking for common ground. I'm willing to compromise to make it work, even to the point of making excuses for that person. I analyze the situation to death and I worry constantly about all the negatives, but even still, I hold on to the positives for dear life, recognizing red flags but ignoring them, thinking I can overcome them. It's a puzzle I need to solve. I persevere until the guy bails out or I'm too exhausted to continue, whichever comes first.
All the while, a part of myself remains tucked away and protected. I reach out with one hand while I keep the other hand hidden behind my back. For all my willingness to compromise, I still barricade myself in the corner to avoid getting hurt, and I'll even sabotage a potentially good situation just by closing myself off.
It often amazes me how I am able to extend myself so far in order to conquer a challenge while simultaneously pulling myself inward to remain safe and untouchable. It's a fine line, and it's a fucked up way of living, but I've come to rely on it.
Now, I've met someone who is not cynical, who is not afraid to look down the road, who is not freaked out at the thought of commitment. He thinks about me as much I as think about him. He wants to spend as much time with me as I want to spend with him. I keep looking for red flags, but there aren't any!
I keep thinking eventually I'm going to get exhausted, or there will be a compromise too big, or one of us will just get sick of hanging out and want to bail. But I can't get exhausted because the relationship gives me energy instead of taking it away. And there can't be a compromise too big because I haven't really had to make any compromises in the first place -- he and I are already in the same place, wanting the same things. And neither one of us has ever come close to being sick of hanging out -- we both look forward to seeing each other every day.
I'm not used to this, and in some ways I don't know how to deal with it. I can't operate by my usual methods. There's no need to overextend myself, and he won't let me hide. So I'm right here, out in the open, just being me. It freaks me out a little bit.
Do I have any good logical reason for being freaked out?
No, not really. He accepts me and cares for me just the way I am.
Nevertheless, it's hard not to fall back on old habits. I don't want to guard myself around him, he gives me no reason to, but it still happens from time to time, just out of routine.
I am trying. I am learning not to second guess this. And he's helping me quite a bit, just by being around, and being who he is.
He is not letting me go, and I don't want to let him go either. In fact, I'm pretty sure I could wake up next to him every morning for the rest of my life and be perfectly happy. Being with him is like being home. There is no one I would rather spend my time with.
I am falling in love with him.
I might already be there. "Those three words" have been on the tip of my tongue for the last week and a half. Why can't I get them out?
I don't know... maybe I want it to be the right time. Maybe I don't want to rush it. Maybe I want to make sure it's real. Or maybe I'm just making excuses for myself because once again, I'm habitually guarded. Maybe I'm afraid to fuck this up somehow.
But with each day that goes by, I come closer to the realization that I can't fuck this up. I think it might actually be impossible! He has accepted and embraced everything I've put in front of him, including this blog. So I am trying to just let it be.
In spite of me and my old fucked up habits, I have this amazing person in my life who sees me for who I am and honestly wants to spend time with me. He sings and dances and laughs and makes the silliest voices and facial expressions that always make me giggle. And he's got me convinced that he's not going anywhere anytime soon.
So I guess I need a new motto.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Christmas Party #1
First, I must say that I'm having the best morning ever.
Seriously, people.
Best.
Morning.
Ever.
I love that boy.
Now for some updates...
Thursday 12/4
I had a horrible headache all day and ended up leaving work early to go home and lay down. The boy was so sweet. He came over and laid down next to me, put one arm around me, and softly stroked my head. It was very comforting.
The pills I took for my headache had caffeine in them so I didn't get to sleep. After the boy left, I made some food and laid on the couch. At about 6pm there was a knock on my door.
My dress had arrived via UPS, and not a moment too soon. Party is on Saturday, and I've waited until now to buy shoes, bra, and make-up -- cutting it just a little too close!
(Here's my dress...)
I still had a headache, but some things are more important than nursing one's pain. I immediately took the dress to the drugstore to pick out some complimentary make-up, then to Victoria's Secret to find a suitable bra. I took so much time trying on bras with the dress that I ran out of time to look at shoes.
Friday 12/5
Still had a headache. I got up early and called the chiropractor. Managed to get an appointment at 8:30am. After that, I took the dress to the dry cleaner to get steamed, since it came all wrinkly from being stuffed in a box during shipping. I did all that and still made it to work on time.
We had a slush fund lunch that day -- free food, courtesy of my department. I went out with my coworkers and ordered a sirloin steak and baked potato. It was so tasty good, and free. :)
I got peer pressured into ordering a beer with my lunch. ("Come on, everybody's doing it!") When it was time to go, my boss stalled because my beer wasn't empty yet. They wouldn't leave until I finished it! So I downed the last 1/3 of it all at once, and left the restaurant to pick up my dress.
My afternoon was shot. I came back from lunch drunk, still with a headache, which was worse now because I had beer when I should've been drinking water. I did next to nothing for the rest of the day and left work earlier than I should have. I went over to the boy's house, crawled into his bed, snuggled up and went to sleep early.
Saturday 12/6
The boy left at 4am to go to drill. He woke me to say goodbye, and when I opened my bleary eyes in the glaring light, I blinked in the realization that this was the first time I'd ever seen him in uniform. He kissed me and turned off the light, and I curled up and buried my face under the blanket, much colder without him.
At 8am, I dragged myself out of bed, scraped the frost off my windshield, drove home, showered, then met my friend at the mall. She had her boyfriend's six-year-old daughter in tow, a very cute and smart girl who looks just like her dad.
Our mission: Shoe Shopping.
They were slow and I was indecisive. My time was running out. Macy's was having a One Day Sale, and it was chaos. I spotted some simple yet amazing black 4-inch heels, but had trouble finding a salesperson who could get them in my size. Finally I tried them on, and they were sexy perfection.
Next I had a hair appointment. I got a haircut -- with bangs for the first time in several years, and the stylist gave me a curled and coiffed up-do that made me look like I was ready for senior prom. Um... anyone seen my tiara?
I got home just after 3pm. The boy was scheduled to pick me up at 4:30pm, so I had just over an hour to get ready.
When I looked in the mirror, I felt a little ridiculous. Granted, I was wearing jeans and a hoodie with my big pinned-up hair, but still... it just didn't look or feel like me.
Then I put on the dress.
One form-fitting cherry red dress, plus one pair of sexy black shoes, plus one now-amazing hair style. Oh yes. This is going to work out just fine.
I threw on some make-up, put on my new dangly earrings, switched purses, did the last minute checking and straightening of dress, bra and nylons, and then... waited.
The boy was late picking me up, he had been stuck in traffic. I felt so bad for him. The drive takes more than an hour even without traffic, and he had already been up there once for drill. He came all the way back to Salem just to get me, only to turn around and go right back again for the party.
When I opened the door to let him in, he just stared at me. And he kept staring at me during our entire drive to the party. He kept telling me how beautiful I looked. He made me blush repeatedly. He's so sweet.
We arrived almost an hour late, and we were worried that the boy might be in trouble. But nobody seemed to notice, and he didn't get yelled at the next day, so I guess it was all good.
I had been worried about being over dressed with my sexy dress and big hair, but thankfully I was not. Most of the women were wearing nice dresses and had their hair done up. Most of the guys, of course, were in uniform, which was really quite stunning. I had never been in a room with so many military dudes, and I've gotta say... uniforms are hot! The boy and I had a discussion about this. He hates his uniform. I keep trying to convince him that he looks amazing in it, but he doesn't agree. In my opinion, anyone who's in reasonably good shape to begin with will only look hotter in a uniform. It accentuates the male figure and brings out those broad shoulders that I love on a man. I think the boy looks awesome all dressed up. But I think he looks awesome anyway, so...? ^_~
The party had surprisingly good food and lots of beer. I met some of the guys the boy will be working with. They seem... I don't know... like typical army guys? Whatever that means. They're National Guard, so this was their one weekend a month of work. Most of them put their names in a raffle to get Sunday off, and most of them won. The boy wasn't allowed to enter his name because he's too new.
There were some table games, and I played a little blackjack, but it was lame -- the dealer had no clue what was going on. There was also Texas Hold'em (but you had to reserve a spot ahead of time), Bingo, karaoke (one dude sang Ice Ice Baby -- it was hilarious), and a giant wheel to spin for prizes. Mostly we just sat and talked and watched people, which was pretty interesting.
Overall, I think the army throws a decent party. It was much less awkward than either the boy or I thought it would be, although we definitely would've had more fun if we'd known more people. I had fun just being there with him. We took the back roads home, and he held my hand the whole way.
I changed out of my dress and took my hair down -- I pulled 45 bobby pins out of my head! My hair was so nasty from all the hair spray, but I was too lazy to wash it that night. I went to the boy's house with pajamas, nasty hair, and a face full of smudged make-up. He still loved me anyway. :)
Sunday 12/7
The boy woke up early again for another day of drill. He left at 6am. I slept in and had a leisurely morning. Woke up around 9:30, laid in bed for at least an hour, and finally got up, went home, and washed my stiff, over-styled hair. I did some laundry, went to a movie (Quantum of Solace -- not the greatest film, but Daniel Craig is still amazing), then came home and relaxed. The boy came to visit on his way home from work and I was so happy to see him.
We went out to dinner at one of my very favorite restaurants and had a really good conversation. He's a good listener, he puts real effort into learning about me. I learned some things about him too. It was really nice just to sit and talk. I enjoy his company so much.
He stayed with me Sunday night, and then Monday morning... well...
Best.
Morning.
Ever.
But I think we covered that already. :)
Christmas Party #2, hosted by my company, will happen this Friday. I'm taking the boy as my date. Should be a fun time.
Seriously, people.
Best.
Morning.
Ever.
I love that boy.
Now for some updates...
Thursday 12/4
I had a horrible headache all day and ended up leaving work early to go home and lay down. The boy was so sweet. He came over and laid down next to me, put one arm around me, and softly stroked my head. It was very comforting.
The pills I took for my headache had caffeine in them so I didn't get to sleep. After the boy left, I made some food and laid on the couch. At about 6pm there was a knock on my door.
My dress had arrived via UPS, and not a moment too soon. Party is on Saturday, and I've waited until now to buy shoes, bra, and make-up -- cutting it just a little too close!
(Here's my dress...)
 |  |
I still had a headache, but some things are more important than nursing one's pain. I immediately took the dress to the drugstore to pick out some complimentary make-up, then to Victoria's Secret to find a suitable bra. I took so much time trying on bras with the dress that I ran out of time to look at shoes.
Friday 12/5
Still had a headache. I got up early and called the chiropractor. Managed to get an appointment at 8:30am. After that, I took the dress to the dry cleaner to get steamed, since it came all wrinkly from being stuffed in a box during shipping. I did all that and still made it to work on time.
We had a slush fund lunch that day -- free food, courtesy of my department. I went out with my coworkers and ordered a sirloin steak and baked potato. It was so tasty good, and free. :)
I got peer pressured into ordering a beer with my lunch. ("Come on, everybody's doing it!") When it was time to go, my boss stalled because my beer wasn't empty yet. They wouldn't leave until I finished it! So I downed the last 1/3 of it all at once, and left the restaurant to pick up my dress.
My afternoon was shot. I came back from lunch drunk, still with a headache, which was worse now because I had beer when I should've been drinking water. I did next to nothing for the rest of the day and left work earlier than I should have. I went over to the boy's house, crawled into his bed, snuggled up and went to sleep early.
Saturday 12/6
The boy left at 4am to go to drill. He woke me to say goodbye, and when I opened my bleary eyes in the glaring light, I blinked in the realization that this was the first time I'd ever seen him in uniform. He kissed me and turned off the light, and I curled up and buried my face under the blanket, much colder without him.
At 8am, I dragged myself out of bed, scraped the frost off my windshield, drove home, showered, then met my friend at the mall. She had her boyfriend's six-year-old daughter in tow, a very cute and smart girl who looks just like her dad.
Our mission: Shoe Shopping.
They were slow and I was indecisive. My time was running out. Macy's was having a One Day Sale, and it was chaos. I spotted some simple yet amazing black 4-inch heels, but had trouble finding a salesperson who could get them in my size. Finally I tried them on, and they were sexy perfection.
Next I had a hair appointment. I got a haircut -- with bangs for the first time in several years, and the stylist gave me a curled and coiffed up-do that made me look like I was ready for senior prom. Um... anyone seen my tiara?
I got home just after 3pm. The boy was scheduled to pick me up at 4:30pm, so I had just over an hour to get ready.
When I looked in the mirror, I felt a little ridiculous. Granted, I was wearing jeans and a hoodie with my big pinned-up hair, but still... it just didn't look or feel like me.
Then I put on the dress.
One form-fitting cherry red dress, plus one pair of sexy black shoes, plus one now-amazing hair style. Oh yes. This is going to work out just fine.
I threw on some make-up, put on my new dangly earrings, switched purses, did the last minute checking and straightening of dress, bra and nylons, and then... waited.
The boy was late picking me up, he had been stuck in traffic. I felt so bad for him. The drive takes more than an hour even without traffic, and he had already been up there once for drill. He came all the way back to Salem just to get me, only to turn around and go right back again for the party.
When I opened the door to let him in, he just stared at me. And he kept staring at me during our entire drive to the party. He kept telling me how beautiful I looked. He made me blush repeatedly. He's so sweet.
We arrived almost an hour late, and we were worried that the boy might be in trouble. But nobody seemed to notice, and he didn't get yelled at the next day, so I guess it was all good.
I had been worried about being over dressed with my sexy dress and big hair, but thankfully I was not. Most of the women were wearing nice dresses and had their hair done up. Most of the guys, of course, were in uniform, which was really quite stunning. I had never been in a room with so many military dudes, and I've gotta say... uniforms are hot! The boy and I had a discussion about this. He hates his uniform. I keep trying to convince him that he looks amazing in it, but he doesn't agree. In my opinion, anyone who's in reasonably good shape to begin with will only look hotter in a uniform. It accentuates the male figure and brings out those broad shoulders that I love on a man. I think the boy looks awesome all dressed up. But I think he looks awesome anyway, so...? ^_~
The party had surprisingly good food and lots of beer. I met some of the guys the boy will be working with. They seem... I don't know... like typical army guys? Whatever that means. They're National Guard, so this was their one weekend a month of work. Most of them put their names in a raffle to get Sunday off, and most of them won. The boy wasn't allowed to enter his name because he's too new.
There were some table games, and I played a little blackjack, but it was lame -- the dealer had no clue what was going on. There was also Texas Hold'em (but you had to reserve a spot ahead of time), Bingo, karaoke (one dude sang Ice Ice Baby -- it was hilarious), and a giant wheel to spin for prizes. Mostly we just sat and talked and watched people, which was pretty interesting.
Overall, I think the army throws a decent party. It was much less awkward than either the boy or I thought it would be, although we definitely would've had more fun if we'd known more people. I had fun just being there with him. We took the back roads home, and he held my hand the whole way.
I changed out of my dress and took my hair down -- I pulled 45 bobby pins out of my head! My hair was so nasty from all the hair spray, but I was too lazy to wash it that night. I went to the boy's house with pajamas, nasty hair, and a face full of smudged make-up. He still loved me anyway. :)
Sunday 12/7
The boy woke up early again for another day of drill. He left at 6am. I slept in and had a leisurely morning. Woke up around 9:30, laid in bed for at least an hour, and finally got up, went home, and washed my stiff, over-styled hair. I did some laundry, went to a movie (Quantum of Solace -- not the greatest film, but Daniel Craig is still amazing), then came home and relaxed. The boy came to visit on his way home from work and I was so happy to see him.
We went out to dinner at one of my very favorite restaurants and had a really good conversation. He's a good listener, he puts real effort into learning about me. I learned some things about him too. It was really nice just to sit and talk. I enjoy his company so much.
He stayed with me Sunday night, and then Monday morning... well...
Best.
Morning.
Ever.
But I think we covered that already. :)
Christmas Party #2, hosted by my company, will happen this Friday. I'm taking the boy as my date. Should be a fun time.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
I Want A New Drug
I have a huge fucking headache today, preventing me from being very productive at work. I took ibuprofen, but it hasn't kicked in yet. Maybe by the time I finish writing this, I might feel better.
The boy wants to read my blog. Should I let him?
Only one person I know in real life has access to this blog, and she and I don't even really talk much anymore. (I miss you, by the way -- you know who you are.) I've kept this place to myself for a reason. I want to be free to write about whatever is on my mind without worrying about how it's going to make people feel. I don't want my coworkers to get angry, or my friends to get hurt. I am honest here, uncensored. And I'm afraid that if someone I know is reading this, and I'm aware of that, I might subconsciously edit myself. I don't want that. I need this place.
On the other hand, it's endearing that the boy wants to get to know me, and of all people, he is one of the few whose presence here wouldn't bother me so much. I want to be open and honest with him, I want him to know what goes on inside my head, although I do have some fears about what he might think... this is a lot for anyone to digest. I write so much, and sometimes even I think I'm crazy when I look back at old posts.
Hmm... I will ponder this decision a while longer.
It's amazingly beautiful outside today -- the sky is bright and clear, and the few trees that still have leaves are colored with gold and crimson. I wish I didn't have to be in the office right now, especially with a headache.
I keep waiting for snow. I bought a season pass to Mt. Hood Meadows again this year, but so far this winter is not off to a good start. The mountain is bare. The only ski run open in the whole state is Palmer Snowfield at Timberline. Palmer is literally a glacier -- it's steep and icy, groomed and re-frozen over and over again. At least once a year in June or July, me and my friends start to jones for skiing, and we contemplate a midsummer trip to Palmer. In the end, we always decide it's not worth the time or money.
Now, we're starting to talk about it again. At this time last year, Meadows was open, and we were there. Two years ago, the river flooded and washed out the road to Meadows in both directions, so we settled for Timberline for a few weeks until the road was repaired. But even then... there were more runs open at Timberline than just Palmer. This year, I don't know... I don't want to drive for 2.5 hours and pay $40 to ski on the glacier, but the longer we go without new snow, the more my resolve is weakened.
Dammit, I want to fucking go skiing!
Anyway... I need to re-evaluate this headache and make a decision to either suck it up and get some work done, or throw in the towel and go home.
Please send me some positive headache-free thoughts!
... and yes... that was a Huey Lewis reference. ;)
The boy wants to read my blog. Should I let him?
Only one person I know in real life has access to this blog, and she and I don't even really talk much anymore. (I miss you, by the way -- you know who you are.) I've kept this place to myself for a reason. I want to be free to write about whatever is on my mind without worrying about how it's going to make people feel. I don't want my coworkers to get angry, or my friends to get hurt. I am honest here, uncensored. And I'm afraid that if someone I know is reading this, and I'm aware of that, I might subconsciously edit myself. I don't want that. I need this place.
On the other hand, it's endearing that the boy wants to get to know me, and of all people, he is one of the few whose presence here wouldn't bother me so much. I want to be open and honest with him, I want him to know what goes on inside my head, although I do have some fears about what he might think... this is a lot for anyone to digest. I write so much, and sometimes even I think I'm crazy when I look back at old posts.
Hmm... I will ponder this decision a while longer.
It's amazingly beautiful outside today -- the sky is bright and clear, and the few trees that still have leaves are colored with gold and crimson. I wish I didn't have to be in the office right now, especially with a headache.
I keep waiting for snow. I bought a season pass to Mt. Hood Meadows again this year, but so far this winter is not off to a good start. The mountain is bare. The only ski run open in the whole state is Palmer Snowfield at Timberline. Palmer is literally a glacier -- it's steep and icy, groomed and re-frozen over and over again. At least once a year in June or July, me and my friends start to jones for skiing, and we contemplate a midsummer trip to Palmer. In the end, we always decide it's not worth the time or money.
Now, we're starting to talk about it again. At this time last year, Meadows was open, and we were there. Two years ago, the river flooded and washed out the road to Meadows in both directions, so we settled for Timberline for a few weeks until the road was repaired. But even then... there were more runs open at Timberline than just Palmer. This year, I don't know... I don't want to drive for 2.5 hours and pay $40 to ski on the glacier, but the longer we go without new snow, the more my resolve is weakened.
Dammit, I want to fucking go skiing!
Anyway... I need to re-evaluate this headache and make a decision to either suck it up and get some work done, or throw in the towel and go home.
Please send me some positive headache-free thoughts!
... and yes... that was a Huey Lewis reference. ;)
Monday, December 1, 2008
Update
I've been taking too long in between blog posts. When I finally have time to sit and write, I don't know where to start. So... I guess this is going to be another brain dump...
Wednesday 11/26:
I got off work early and met up with the boy for a movie. We talked about Thanksgiving dinner at his family's house, my nervousness about it, and the fact that it's rather early for me to be meeting his mother and his family. He agreed that it was early, but said he wouldn't let me spend Thanksgiving alone, so I should quit being nervous and get ready for turkey.
He had other plans after the movie - preparation for the next morning's Turkey Bowl - so he dropped me off at home, and I went to bed. A couple hours later, he texted me. He missed me and wanted to come over. We snuggled up together and went to sleep. :-) :-) :-)
Thursday 11/27 (Thanksgiving):
I was supposed to go watch Turkey Bowl, but I elected to stay home and sleep in. Boy got up early to go play. I lounged around and eventually got my act together in time for dinner. The boy picked me up in the afternoon and we went to his aunt's house.
There weren't as many people as I expected. His two cousins who I'd hung out with before were there, so that made it less awkward, already knowing some people. Dinner was very tasty, and people were nice for the most part. The boy's mother was a little distant, not in a bad way, just... normally when I meet someone's parents, they want to know about me. She didn't ask me any questions, and didn't really engage me in conversation. Come to think of it, the other female relatives were the same way. Maybe that's just how their family is. Or maybe they disprove of their son dating a 31-year-old. Or maybe they figure our relationship won't last, so there's no point in getting to know me. Whatever... clearly, I've thought about this too much, but it really doesn't matter. If I meet them again, then perhaps I'll get to know them better. If not, then no loss.
Everything was really pretty nice, normal, an non-awkward until it came time to take pictures. They were taking family photos in various groupings -- the sisters together, all the guys together, etc. -- and I was sitting back, watching, not feeling left out at all because, well... they're family photos, and I'm not family. I had no problem with that, and in fact, I was rather comfortable just watching. But then the boy's aunt made me get in the big group photo. That was slightly awkward, but I figured since I was there for dinner, maybe she just wanted a photo of everyone who was there, whether they're family or not (even though I was the only one not related). It was much more awkward when they made the boy and I pose together in front of everyone while 3 different people took photos. It might have been less weird if they had been more warm and open towards me in conversation, if I could tell that they actually really liked me. But I couldn't tell one way or another. I don't think they disliked me, but in general it seemed like first impressions were just neutral. So it was a little odd to have multiple people flashing cameras in my face. But I went along with it. The boy apologized profusely afterwards. He hates being in photos, maybe even more than I do.
Anyway, overall it was a good experience. After dinner I went and stayed at the boy's new place for the night.
Friday 11/28 (Black Friday):
The boy got up at some ungodly hour to go buy a new TV. I slept in. By the time I got up, the TV was already hooked up and being tested out. We went out to breakfast, and then I went home. I was feeling a little melancholy and didn't want to be home alone with nothing to do. I hung out with my friend for a little while and talked about her new relationship excitement. Then I went shopping by myself and bought a new pair of jeans.
In the evening, the boy stopped by my place briefly. By this point, he was starting to notice me being a little moody and distant.
Yeah... I over-analyzed, and I freaked myself out a little bit. We knew this was coming, right?
Maybe it was meeting the family, maybe it's the amount of time we've been spending together, maybe it's the fact that I'm so nearly in love with him yet I keep holding myself back...
Whatever the cause, he saw it, and he asked me about it, but I told him I wasn't ready to talk. He went on to do whatever he had planned, and I made an impromptu trip to the casino. Sometimes playing cards really helps to clear my head. It put me in a much better mood.
After a couple hours of card playing, I got text from the boy. The cousins and a couple friends were at his place playing X-Box and drinking, and he wanted me to join them. When I was ready to leave the casino, I went to their place. It was a fun time with lots of laughter and goofiness. I slept over that night, as did two of the cousins, plus the cousin who lives there, and his girlfriend. Big drunken slumber party.
Saturday 11/29:
The boy and I woke up and spent some time being extremely goofy -- wrestling, tickling, laughing. It was so fun. But when his attention shifted to his cousins who were now awake in the living room, I started to feel melancholy again. Then I felt like the boy was being extra arrogant, although when I look back on it, I don't think he really was. Maybe I was just feeling extra sensitive.
I had plans to meet my friend for brunch, so I got dressed and ready to go. Once again, the boy saw me looking distant. He followed me out the door and wanted me to talk. I told him everything was fine, that I was just focused on my plans with my friend. He knew better, but he didn't press me too hard because I was already running late.
I thought my friend and I might go shopping or catch a movie after brunch, but her new relationship excitement took a turn for the even-more-dramatic, and she really just wanted to visit and talk about it. We sat for a long time and got caught up on our respective relationship details, then she went off to meet up with her guy. I ended up going back to visit the boy. The cousins were gone, and he was alone, watching a movie on the new TV. He looked at me very seriously, right in the eyes, and asked me point blank what was bothering me.
I said "nothing." He didn't believe me.
I looked away. He made me look at him.
I said I didn't want to talk about it. He said he wanted to listen.
It was really quite amazing. All my little tactics for hiding myself were useless on him. He saw right through me, and every time I stalled or avoided, he brought me back in. More importantly, he encouraged me to share myself and convinced me that nothing I said would push him away, that I shouldn't be afraid. He actually fought me for me!
We talked, and a lot of things came out. We're both worried about him leaving. We both feel strongly about one another, but we've both been holding ourselves back because we don't know what's going to happen. We've both been worried about the amount of time we've been spending together. We're both worried about our own moodiness and changeable feelings. And... [deep breath]... I told him that I dated the pharmacist while he was away at training.
Much to my surprise, after all that, he didn't run away. He still held me. He still looked in my eyes. He still kissed me. And with everything out on the table, we're closer than ever. He is mine, and I am his. Although we both acknowledge that we don't know how this is going to work when he leaves, or if we'll even make it that far, so we plan to take it as it comes, one day at a time, and just enjoy our time together right now. If we're still this close when it's time for him to go, then we'll talk about it.
He said he could never ask me to wait for him while he's gone for a year. But honestly, if I still feel this way about him in 3 months, I can't possibly date anyone else. Especially after what I learned from dating the pharmacist. Why waste time on someone who doesn't know me and doesn't care to try, when I've already got someone who sees me and likes me for who I am and genuinely wants to spend his time with me? The boy is all kinds of perfect to me right now. Unless it's really not working out in 3 months, how could I ever let him go? I won't make the same mistake twice. Something this wonderful is worth waiting for.
After we talked, we went our separate ways for the afternoon. He had errands, and I needed to spend some time giving attention to my cats and my increasingly messy apartment.
Saturday night, the boy came over to my place to do laundry. Clothes in the wash, we laid down on the bed next to each other and talked for a little while. He was so tired. He fell asleep at about 9:00pm and could not be stirred. I watched him sleep for a bit, checked his clothes, watched some MythBusters, and eventually climbed into bed next to him. He wrapped his arms around me, and I drifted off. It was the best night of sleep I'd had all week.
Sunday 11/30:
Boy went home with clean clothes. I lounged around, drank some tea, checked my email. I went to see Transporter 3. (Jason Statham -- so hot right now!) I was picking up lunch for myself when the boy texted me and told me he was having a Heroes marathon. I took my lunch over to his place and he and I, along with his cousin/roommate and girlfriend, watched at least 3 discs of Heroes. It was such a great afternoon, just snuggling on the couch, watching a show we all love. So mellow. I'd call it a perfect Sunday.
He was extra sweet and cute all afternoon. I don't know how to describe it really, except to say that he looks at me with so much affection now... I get the warm fuzzies just thinking about it. I love that boy. :)
I started talking to him about my situation at work, and the fact that I'm planning to leave my job and move to Portland within the next few months. He got very quiet and looked very sad. I asked him what was wrong, and he looked me right in the eye and said, "you're going to move away and leave me." My heart completely melted. I put my hand on his cheek and said, "No. Whatever happens with my job, I want to be with you. We'll make it work." He never looked away from my eyes.
It was the first time I'd ever seen him act vulnerable in that way, and it touched me. Usually I'm the one with the constant fear in the back of my mind that the person I'm with is going to leave me for some better opportunity. Even with the boy, up until we had our conversation on Saturday. I can't remember the last time it was reversed, where someone wanted to be with me so much that they really looked hurt at the thought of me leaving. The thing is, I feel the same way about him. When I think of him leaving to go to Iraq, it hurts inside. But even though I feel it, and I see him feeling it, it's still almost incomprehensible to me. It's so hard for me to wrap my head around the idea of someone wanting or needing me, and me wanting and needing him too. It seems impossible. Yet here it is, right in front of me. How did I get so lucky?
We watched another movie (Waiting, which was hilarious), and he held me tightly the entire time. We looked in each others' eyes a lot, just staring and being amazed, the same way we looked at each other on the night we met.
Seriously, how is this possible? I just can't comprehend it. But maybe understanding it isn't the point. Maybe I just need to accept it and enjoy it. Let it flow. ^_~
Monday 12/1:
I woke up next to the boy, warm and comfortable. We exchanged many smiles, hugs, and kisses before I finally dragged myself out of bed to go to work.
I've been smiling all day. :)
Wednesday 11/26:
I got off work early and met up with the boy for a movie. We talked about Thanksgiving dinner at his family's house, my nervousness about it, and the fact that it's rather early for me to be meeting his mother and his family. He agreed that it was early, but said he wouldn't let me spend Thanksgiving alone, so I should quit being nervous and get ready for turkey.
He had other plans after the movie - preparation for the next morning's Turkey Bowl - so he dropped me off at home, and I went to bed. A couple hours later, he texted me. He missed me and wanted to come over. We snuggled up together and went to sleep. :-) :-) :-)
Thursday 11/27 (Thanksgiving):
I was supposed to go watch Turkey Bowl, but I elected to stay home and sleep in. Boy got up early to go play. I lounged around and eventually got my act together in time for dinner. The boy picked me up in the afternoon and we went to his aunt's house.
There weren't as many people as I expected. His two cousins who I'd hung out with before were there, so that made it less awkward, already knowing some people. Dinner was very tasty, and people were nice for the most part. The boy's mother was a little distant, not in a bad way, just... normally when I meet someone's parents, they want to know about me. She didn't ask me any questions, and didn't really engage me in conversation. Come to think of it, the other female relatives were the same way. Maybe that's just how their family is. Or maybe they disprove of their son dating a 31-year-old. Or maybe they figure our relationship won't last, so there's no point in getting to know me. Whatever... clearly, I've thought about this too much, but it really doesn't matter. If I meet them again, then perhaps I'll get to know them better. If not, then no loss.
Everything was really pretty nice, normal, an non-awkward until it came time to take pictures. They were taking family photos in various groupings -- the sisters together, all the guys together, etc. -- and I was sitting back, watching, not feeling left out at all because, well... they're family photos, and I'm not family. I had no problem with that, and in fact, I was rather comfortable just watching. But then the boy's aunt made me get in the big group photo. That was slightly awkward, but I figured since I was there for dinner, maybe she just wanted a photo of everyone who was there, whether they're family or not (even though I was the only one not related). It was much more awkward when they made the boy and I pose together in front of everyone while 3 different people took photos. It might have been less weird if they had been more warm and open towards me in conversation, if I could tell that they actually really liked me. But I couldn't tell one way or another. I don't think they disliked me, but in general it seemed like first impressions were just neutral. So it was a little odd to have multiple people flashing cameras in my face. But I went along with it. The boy apologized profusely afterwards. He hates being in photos, maybe even more than I do.
Anyway, overall it was a good experience. After dinner I went and stayed at the boy's new place for the night.
Friday 11/28 (Black Friday):
The boy got up at some ungodly hour to go buy a new TV. I slept in. By the time I got up, the TV was already hooked up and being tested out. We went out to breakfast, and then I went home. I was feeling a little melancholy and didn't want to be home alone with nothing to do. I hung out with my friend for a little while and talked about her new relationship excitement. Then I went shopping by myself and bought a new pair of jeans.
In the evening, the boy stopped by my place briefly. By this point, he was starting to notice me being a little moody and distant.
Yeah... I over-analyzed, and I freaked myself out a little bit. We knew this was coming, right?
Maybe it was meeting the family, maybe it's the amount of time we've been spending together, maybe it's the fact that I'm so nearly in love with him yet I keep holding myself back...
Whatever the cause, he saw it, and he asked me about it, but I told him I wasn't ready to talk. He went on to do whatever he had planned, and I made an impromptu trip to the casino. Sometimes playing cards really helps to clear my head. It put me in a much better mood.
After a couple hours of card playing, I got text from the boy. The cousins and a couple friends were at his place playing X-Box and drinking, and he wanted me to join them. When I was ready to leave the casino, I went to their place. It was a fun time with lots of laughter and goofiness. I slept over that night, as did two of the cousins, plus the cousin who lives there, and his girlfriend. Big drunken slumber party.
Saturday 11/29:
The boy and I woke up and spent some time being extremely goofy -- wrestling, tickling, laughing. It was so fun. But when his attention shifted to his cousins who were now awake in the living room, I started to feel melancholy again. Then I felt like the boy was being extra arrogant, although when I look back on it, I don't think he really was. Maybe I was just feeling extra sensitive.
I had plans to meet my friend for brunch, so I got dressed and ready to go. Once again, the boy saw me looking distant. He followed me out the door and wanted me to talk. I told him everything was fine, that I was just focused on my plans with my friend. He knew better, but he didn't press me too hard because I was already running late.
I thought my friend and I might go shopping or catch a movie after brunch, but her new relationship excitement took a turn for the even-more-dramatic, and she really just wanted to visit and talk about it. We sat for a long time and got caught up on our respective relationship details, then she went off to meet up with her guy. I ended up going back to visit the boy. The cousins were gone, and he was alone, watching a movie on the new TV. He looked at me very seriously, right in the eyes, and asked me point blank what was bothering me.
I said "nothing." He didn't believe me.
I looked away. He made me look at him.
I said I didn't want to talk about it. He said he wanted to listen.
It was really quite amazing. All my little tactics for hiding myself were useless on him. He saw right through me, and every time I stalled or avoided, he brought me back in. More importantly, he encouraged me to share myself and convinced me that nothing I said would push him away, that I shouldn't be afraid. He actually fought me for me!
We talked, and a lot of things came out. We're both worried about him leaving. We both feel strongly about one another, but we've both been holding ourselves back because we don't know what's going to happen. We've both been worried about the amount of time we've been spending together. We're both worried about our own moodiness and changeable feelings. And... [deep breath]... I told him that I dated the pharmacist while he was away at training.
Much to my surprise, after all that, he didn't run away. He still held me. He still looked in my eyes. He still kissed me. And with everything out on the table, we're closer than ever. He is mine, and I am his. Although we both acknowledge that we don't know how this is going to work when he leaves, or if we'll even make it that far, so we plan to take it as it comes, one day at a time, and just enjoy our time together right now. If we're still this close when it's time for him to go, then we'll talk about it.
He said he could never ask me to wait for him while he's gone for a year. But honestly, if I still feel this way about him in 3 months, I can't possibly date anyone else. Especially after what I learned from dating the pharmacist. Why waste time on someone who doesn't know me and doesn't care to try, when I've already got someone who sees me and likes me for who I am and genuinely wants to spend his time with me? The boy is all kinds of perfect to me right now. Unless it's really not working out in 3 months, how could I ever let him go? I won't make the same mistake twice. Something this wonderful is worth waiting for.
After we talked, we went our separate ways for the afternoon. He had errands, and I needed to spend some time giving attention to my cats and my increasingly messy apartment.
Saturday night, the boy came over to my place to do laundry. Clothes in the wash, we laid down on the bed next to each other and talked for a little while. He was so tired. He fell asleep at about 9:00pm and could not be stirred. I watched him sleep for a bit, checked his clothes, watched some MythBusters, and eventually climbed into bed next to him. He wrapped his arms around me, and I drifted off. It was the best night of sleep I'd had all week.
Sunday 11/30:
Boy went home with clean clothes. I lounged around, drank some tea, checked my email. I went to see Transporter 3. (Jason Statham -- so hot right now!) I was picking up lunch for myself when the boy texted me and told me he was having a Heroes marathon. I took my lunch over to his place and he and I, along with his cousin/roommate and girlfriend, watched at least 3 discs of Heroes. It was such a great afternoon, just snuggling on the couch, watching a show we all love. So mellow. I'd call it a perfect Sunday.
He was extra sweet and cute all afternoon. I don't know how to describe it really, except to say that he looks at me with so much affection now... I get the warm fuzzies just thinking about it. I love that boy. :)
I started talking to him about my situation at work, and the fact that I'm planning to leave my job and move to Portland within the next few months. He got very quiet and looked very sad. I asked him what was wrong, and he looked me right in the eye and said, "you're going to move away and leave me." My heart completely melted. I put my hand on his cheek and said, "No. Whatever happens with my job, I want to be with you. We'll make it work." He never looked away from my eyes.
It was the first time I'd ever seen him act vulnerable in that way, and it touched me. Usually I'm the one with the constant fear in the back of my mind that the person I'm with is going to leave me for some better opportunity. Even with the boy, up until we had our conversation on Saturday. I can't remember the last time it was reversed, where someone wanted to be with me so much that they really looked hurt at the thought of me leaving. The thing is, I feel the same way about him. When I think of him leaving to go to Iraq, it hurts inside. But even though I feel it, and I see him feeling it, it's still almost incomprehensible to me. It's so hard for me to wrap my head around the idea of someone wanting or needing me, and me wanting and needing him too. It seems impossible. Yet here it is, right in front of me. How did I get so lucky?
We watched another movie (Waiting, which was hilarious), and he held me tightly the entire time. We looked in each others' eyes a lot, just staring and being amazed, the same way we looked at each other on the night we met.
Seriously, how is this possible? I just can't comprehend it. But maybe understanding it isn't the point. Maybe I just need to accept it and enjoy it. Let it flow. ^_~
Monday 12/1:
I woke up next to the boy, warm and comfortable. We exchanged many smiles, hugs, and kisses before I finally dragged myself out of bed to go to work.
I've been smiling all day. :)
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