How It Went

First things first.

Of my long list of pre-date fears and jitters, several have been eliminated.

-- I'm no longer freaked out about expectations.
-- I won't be drunkenly hopping into bed with him any time soon.
-- I don't think there's any problem with him liking me more than I like him, or vice versa.
-- I don't think I'll tear him down or rip him apart (at least not yet, and not intentionally).

Whether we're a good match or not? Still too early to tell. And here's why:

I think he's about as confused and scared as I am. Turns out, he originally moved to the west coast with his fiancée about three years ago, they broke up, and she went back east without him. Our mutual friend told me this, but I got him to talk a little bit too. She (the mutual friend) tells me that he was really hurt for a long time over the break-up, and I could hear that in his voice when he talked about it, even though he was very brief and tried not to let it show. He's now thinking about moving back home, but he's still too iffy to pull the trigger. He is largely without direction right now, and is having much difficulty deciding what's best. (Gee, sound familiar???)

Along with that, I think he has a very well defined comfort zone, and I think he will be very slow to step outside of it. I know he likes me, and he's pretty excited that I'm a nerd girl who likes video games, movies, and poker. But even as I see that glimmer of hope and recognition in his eye, I also see a great deal of hesitation and uncertainty. That makes it really, really hard for me to determine how we might work together in the long term. Just friends? Friends with benefits? Serious relationship? As long as he is reluctant to show himself, it's impossible to tell.

Not that he is completely hiding - he does let little hints out. For example, when I was getting ready to go home, he started talking about moving back east again, except it had changed from "I'm probably moving in the spring" to "you know, I don't have to move back so soon... maybe I'll just stay here."

Yeah... he likes me. I think it's cute. :)

Other observations:
-- He's a bigger nerd than I am, and that's saying something people! He's one of these nerds with very specific interests and skills that he tends to master and obsess over. I will obsess over my interests to a point, but generally, I'm more of a broad spectrum nerd -- jack of all trades, master of none. I like concepts and I like to dabble. He likes details and he likes to become an expert. I've always been really good at Tetris, but when we played together, he severely annihilated me -- repeatedly. There was never any chance in hell that I was going to beat him. But he said I played better than most. I guess that's a compliment?

-- He says he thinks he's got undiagnosed ADD, but I might even venture to put him in the category of ADHD. He's all over the place. But I'm not convinced it's uncontrollable. It's obvious that he's easily distracted and capable of changing his train of thought on a dime. But more than that, I think he allows himself to be distracted because it's easy. Maybe a form of avoidance?

-- Body language -- he's very open with hugs, but very closed off otherwise. Big hesitancy here. No problems at all with eye contact, but physical contact seems to be scary for him. But... it's still early... and maybe he's reading my confusion like I'm reading his and choosing to act accordingly. It's not like I put out the clearest signals either, so I can't really blame him.

-- Conversation was similar to body language. He's totally fun and interesting to talk to, I really enjoy his conversation. But at the same time, it was hard not to notice that all topics were generally very safe. The only time we ever came close to talking about "us" was when I mentioned that the mutual friend and I have nicknames for all of our guys, and he wanted to know what his nickname is. Not sure if that means he thinks he's one of my guys, or if he's just acknowledging the fact that he's been talked about in that way. Also, we talked about going camping on the coast together. I'm totally excited about that because I love to go camping, especially with someone who's fun to hang out with. But what does it usually mean when a guy and a girl drive an hour outside of town to go camping alone together? Those implications were never discussed, yet I'm pretty sure most people would have the same basic idea of what that means. It falls into the realm of boyfriend/girlfriend activity, right? Unless I'm totally smoking crack. (Somebody set me straight on this.) Is it weird to plan something like this when there's so much hesitancy about any real closeness?

-- He has the exact same type of clutter in his apartment that I have in mine. I actually found his place to be very comfortable. Hanging out with him there kind of reminded me of hanging out in the dorms in college. You know... we sat on the floor of a comfortably lit, slightly cluttered, bachelor pad living room with our shoes off, playing video games together. Is doesn't get much more college than that (at least not without a keg). It was very relaxing.

-- He's very intelligent and he's got life experience. This is something I was missing with the boy. I think he's even fairly perceptive, but again, still too early to tell.

-- We laugh at the same things. Not much more to say here, except that it's a pretty big deal to me. I can't be with someone who doesn't get the joke, even if it's just a friend.

-- He likes guns, and that freaks me out a little. But I'm a bit of a hypocrite on this issue. I don't like having guns around me, I never want to shoot a gun, and in general, I'm a huge pacifist. But you better believe that when society falls apart and I need protection, the guy who has a firearm and knows how to use it will be the first person I run to for help. I don't really know where that puts me, in terms of my reaction to seeing a 9mm lying on the floor. I guess I'm mixed. I probably should figure out where my priorities lie on that one.

So... with all that in mind, I don't think the status of the situation has really changed much. I'm still trying to get to know him better, and I still don't know where things are going. I know I like him, but I still don't know how much. Hard to tell if we'll be just friends or if there will be something more. Still need to figure that out.

But at least I'm not running away screaming. It's a pretty big step for me to try any of this, even just getting to know someone new as a friend. I don't do this very often because it usually freaks me out and I put up all sorts of walls and road blocks. I haven't started doing that (yet), so that's a good thing.

Oh... and I still haven't settled on a nickname. The others have been so easy, but for some reason, I'm having real difficulty with this one. I'm leaning towards "drug dealer" (he's a pharmacist), but it doesn't quite have the familiarity I want. Is it possible that I'm having a hard time with this because I feel it's important to get to know him personally? I mean, usually I view a nickname as a way to disassociate from someone, to keep it impersonal. Maybe I can't choose one because I don't want that? Who knows.

Anyway, I think the goal here will be to try my hardest not have specific expectations, and just let it happen however it needs to happen. Obviously that's easier said than done, but I'm going to try.

That's all the blather I've got left for now. Feedback is happily appreciated!

"Date" Anxiety

So there's this guy I've hung out with a couple times at a mutual friend's house. (I haven't decided on a nickname for him yet -- that will be forthcoming.) We were all at a party there last weekend, and I spent quite a bit of time talking with him. Next day, I found him on myspace, we exchanged phone numbers and email addresses, and now we're getting together tomorrow night. It's kind of a date, but kind of not. We're not going anywhere, we're just going to hang out at his place. I expect it to be pretty low key.

Yet I'm still freaking out about it.

Part of me just thinks it's a mistake to hang out with anyone who might have real potential, because I'll just fuck it up. Part of me is excited about it, because... you know... I want a boy to hold me at night. Part of me is just plain nervous about there being a complete mismatch. How do I handle that?

He's really nice. He's easy going, interesting to talk to, fun to hang out with, and generally very kind. He might even qualify as a classic "nice guy". (Hmm, maybe that will be his nickname.) I know I will have fun with him when we meet up, but I still haven't decided if I really like him like him. I already know he likes me - I can totally tell. That makes me afraid of what will happen if I don't end up liking him in that way. I'm afraid I might rip him apart, like I did with the maintenance guy. He's so nice, I don't want to hurt him, and I especially don't want to make things weird for our mutual friend, because I know we'll all be in the same house for another party in a couple weeks.

I guess I'm back to that point where I'm afraid to let myself trust someone new, and I'm afraid to let my emotions out to mingle with someone else's. I'm also afraid of repeating what happened with the boy, where I let my physical desires do all the talking. It was okay with the boy because I knew he was leaving town - that was the whole point. But obviously I developed an emotional attachment there when I probably shouldn't have. I just don't think I'm capable of controlling myself in that way. For me, sex leads to emotional attachment. That's just how it is. Either that, or it freaks me out and leads to complete emotional detachment. I don't want that either. So really, I kind of want to avoid sex altogether.

What I really want is to get to know this person more and become friends, because I think he'd be a great friend to have. But beyond that?

It's also a little weird that I'm hanging out with the friend of a friend. Our mutual friend happens to be one of my coworkers, and consequently, several of my coworkers know this guy because they've all hung out at the mutual friend's house for parties. That puts me in the center of gossip, and I'm not very comfortable with that.

I'm going out for drinks after work tonight with the mutual friend so we can talk about this and maybe she can give me some additional background on this guy. She's known him for a few years, so she'll have some good insight. And maybe I can let her know that I'm not comfortable with a lot of people knowing about this, at least not until I figure out how I feel about the situation.

I've got a ton of what if's floating around in my brain and butterflies playing havoc in my stomach. I'm so freaked out.

In A Heartbeat

I need to vent.

Do you ever feel like you might have made a bad choice when you picked a certain path to follow, but now you're stuck with it and it's too late or too difficult or you're just too overwhelmed to get out?

Do you ever feel like you're surrounded by people who are getting ahead by doing the bare minimum, while you're working your ass off and getting nowhere? Does it make you wonder why you even bother trying?

Do you ever feel like everything you've done up to this point has been worthless? I mean, obviously it's worth something because it got you to where you are, and hopefully that's better (or at least different) than where you used to be, but still... somehow it's not good enough. It's not satisfying. You don't feel any closer to being truly happy or fulfilled. Know what I mean?

Do you ever feel like there's no point in talking about it with other people because no matter who it is, and no matter what you say, nobody gets it?

Do you ever feel let down by other people when they ask you talk to them and trust them, but then later they abandon you? How can you possibly be expected to trust someone new when all the people you've known have hurt you, lied to you, taken from you, ignored you, or abandoned you?

Do you ever wish you could just crawl into a hole and go to sleep for a long, long time, and wake up in a different life?

I'm angry and exhausted and lonely and distraught, and completely overwhelmed by it all. I don't want to be here anymore. If I didn't have to worry about paying bills, I would quit my job, go some place far away, and stay there indefinitely until I felt calm and relaxed and ready to choose my next path. Just like the Weezer song!

Let's go away for a while, you and I
To a strange and distant land
Where they speak no word of truth
But we don't understand anyway
Holiday, far away, to stay
On a holiday, far away, let's go today
In a heartbeat!

Yeah. I totally wish I could do that. Hooray for Weezer!





That is all.

Nice Comeback

I find myself wondering a lot during the last few days.

My back problems have mostly cleared up, but now my hands/wrists/forearms hurt. Pain in my hands is especially frustrating because I basically spend all day typing at my job. It's always gotta be something, right? I wonder if I'll ever be healthy and not in some kind of physical pain every damn day? Is it possible?

One of my coworkers recently got a big promotion and pay raise. It was a surprise to everyone, because few people thought his quality of work was sufficient enough to warrant general praise, much less a promotion. I read his new job description today. It's exactly the same set of responsibilities I've been performing for the last 2 years. I wonder if I should go to my boss and point out that I've been performing at a higher level and should be awarded the job title to match? And I wonder if my company's leadership will ever pull its collective head out of its ass and figure out how to manage people more effectively. Our priority seems to be rewarding underachievers while ignoring overachievers. I've seen it over and over again, and I think it's effed up.

I wonder what my dear friend has been up to. It's been nearly a couple months since I heard from him last. I've learned not to worry about him anymore when he's quiet like this because he'll most likely be back eventually. It's been over a year now, this pattern has become old and familiar. At this point I'd be shocked if he didn't disappear for weeks or months at a time. Still... I think about him and I wonder.

I wonder what my life would've been like if I hadn't moved to Oregon after I graduated from college. What if I'd stayed in Washington? This is something I've wondered about periodically over the years, and as more time passes, it gets harder and harder to imagine how things might have been. That future is gone from me now. The only future I have is the one in front of me, which I must shape for myself. I wonder how in the hell I'm supposed to do that?

I wonder if I'll ever find that companion I've been wishing for, or if my path is one of solitude? I'm not a big believer in making opportunities to meet people. I'm more of a fate kind of girl. I think we meet the people we're supposed to meet, and if a connection is made, it's for a reason. After that, it's up to us to decide what to do with it -- make it into something more, or push it away. But I don't think meeting more people or meeting different people increases one's chances of making that connection. You can't force that kind of thing. If it's meant to happen, then it will. But what if it's not meant to happen?

Well that was quite enough wondering for one lunch break. I must get back to work.


Derek Zoolander: Who am I?
Derek's Reflection: I don't know.
Derek Zoolander: I guess I have a lot of things to ponder.
Hansel: The results are in, amigo! What's left to ponder?
[Derek stares at Hansel]
Hansel: Nice comeback!

Crash

Monday morning I could hardly walk, stand, or sit without sharp shooting pains in my low back. The longer it went on, the farther it spread out from the center. Pretty soon, my forearms were throbbing, my hamstrings were tight, and my neck was pinched. I noticed a massive knot at the base of my head, undoubtedly the cause of my growing headache.

I skipped my workout that morning, called the chiropractor, and left work early to go see him. He did all kinds of tests (when I say tests, I mean muscle tests, not lab tests -- his specialty is applied kinesiology), and he gave me several adjustments. He thinks the underlying cause, like most of my problems, is systemic, probably a chemical imbalance of some kind. Maybe a toxin in my liver was the trigger. Hmm, I think to myself, must've been that night of hard drinking on Friday. :\

It still hurt on Tuesday, and I didn't want to spend another miserably unproductive day in the office, so I stayed home. I spent the entire day laying down, and eventually the shooting pains became less intense and less frequent. Feeling more confident, I tried to go for a walk in the evening, but I only went for about 1/3 of my usual distance, at a substantially decreased pace. More shooting pains.

Today, the pain has improved significantly, but I still have that knot in the back of my head causing a headache and tension in my neck, and there's still lingering pain in my back, although it is more dull now.

It's always a major setback for me when this happens, both physically and emotionally, especially because I had been working so hard to make it better. In the long run, I think it will still be better, but these little backward steps are so difficult to bare. The "best" part is that I get all sorts of free advice from people who obviously mean well but really don't understand what I'm going through.

"Have you taken ibuprofen?"

"Maybe you should get an x-ray."

"Have you tried massage?"

Most people have a hard time with the concept of physical symptoms being caused by internal problems. And people really have a hard time with the fact that I won't go to a "normal doctor" to get my pain treated. What they don't realize is that I've been to many doctors over the years, had many tests done, taken all kinds of pain meds, and even gone to physical therapy. My chiropractor is the first and only doctor who has ever been concerned with finding the underlying causes for my pain, and treating those causes instead of just treating the symptoms. I would much rather spend the time and effort to dig through all the layers and get to the bottom of this mess than simply take a prescription to treat what's on the surface.

But it's difficult to explain that to people, and when I'm in pain, I'm too irritable and impatient to deal with most people anyway. I just want them to leave me alone. Then I go home at the end of the day and feel lonely and isolated.

Last night I wished for the boy again. I just wanted someone to be there to hold me and make me feel safe, and since he was the last person who did that, I thought of him. I wondered what his life is like right now, taking orders, getting his individuality stripped away to become part of a unit. I wonder if it's what he thought it would be. I wonder if still wants to be there.

I promised myself last weekend that I would let him go. I made a conscious effort. I spent a couple days purposely getting it all out of my system, preparing myself to let go of him, getting ready to move on. I thought about what I want in a partner, what qualities I should look for when I'm trying to meet people. I think I'm just about ready. Yet I still think of him every single day.

Right now, all I really want is someone to hold me. Especially when I'm in so much pain, I just need someone to make me feel warm. I need to know I'm not alone.

But it can't be just anybody, it needs to be the right person. We need to have a good connection. We need to be able to see each other.

I still wish he was here. But he can't be here, and I need to let him go.

This pain will pass, and eventually so will my thoughts about the boy. By the end of the week, I will probably feel "normal" again, and I might even go out for another night of hard drinking. I just have to get through this.

I just have to.