I'm so distracted today.
I had a spur of the moment lunch date with the boy, which made me not want to come back to the office, and now I can't stop thinking about it.
There have been several divisive discussions at work today.
I've been asked to do an evaluation of another employee, which is time consuming and requires careful thought.
I've also been asked to be part of a committee to review the evaluation process and improve it.
And we've been having a heated debate about the "correct" process for developing and documenting our software, which in a way also involves our evaluation process.
On the surface, everyone is being diplomatic, but underneath, people are frustrated and bitter.
And they keep talking to me about it, and I keep zoning out because I don't want to deal with it, and I keep thinking about my lunch date because it was the highlight of my day, and my stomach hurts because I've eaten way too much chocolate and not much of anything else, and because of all that, I can't seem to get any real work done.
Just one of those days I guess.
Thank gods it's only a 3-day work week. Hooray for Thanksgiving and a 4-day weekend!
But that brings me to another distracting thought...
The boy has invited me to have Thanksgiving dinner with his family. I'm a little freaked out about it. I can't decide what to bring or what to wear. His family is huge, he's got a zillion cousins, aunts, and uncles, etc., and they're all very close. This will be the first time I'll meet his mother. It seems a little too soon for all this.
The week after Thanksgiving, I'm going to be the boy's date to his army unit's Christmas party. Another big event with lots of people I don't know.
Somehow I need to stop thinking about all this, and find a way to block out all my coworkers who are distracting me, and just focus in on my own work. Somehow...
I'd rather just be at home, alone with my thoughts. :\
---
Edit:
And minutes after I posted this, I was asked to do ANOTHER peer evaluation.
[sigh]
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Stream Of Consciousness
I've spent nearly every night with the boy for the last 2 weeks. He is wonderful. I could fall in love with him if I let myself. I have been reflecting a lot, but I'm not over-analyzing, and I'm not asking questions. It is what it is, and I'm strangely comfortable with that. At the same time though, I am still holding myself back a little bit. I guess I'm protecting me. I see his defenses falling down little by little. He has introduced me to several members of his family. Last night one of his cousins raised a glass and toasted to me. They all seem to think I'm good for him. I hope I am. I'm trying to be. He sure has been good for me. It's strange how some people can tear you down and make you feel insecure, while others can lift you up and give you confidence. The boy does the latter for me. I wasn't looking for someone to boost my self esteem, I've always tried to find my own strength from within instead of looking for it in other people. But he has this way of saying just the right thing, or looking at me just the right way, or sending me a smiley text at just the right time of day... He lifts me up. I don't know how else to explain it. I smile just thinking about it. How did I get so lucky? Last night we were talking, and he told me he had been wondering how he got so lucky. He radiates this energy sometimes, I can feel it coming out of him. Most of the time I feel that he likes me, that he's comfortable and happy around me. On occasion I feel more than that, and I tremble with affection and fear. I could fall in love with him if I left myself. But it's only been 2 weeks. There's so much more time to spend together, time to get to know each other, even though he feels so familiar already. He has started calling me "his girl". It makes me blush with warmth. I love being his girl. I find myself thinking crazy thoughts, like what if we could be this way forever, what if he is the one? Is that even possible? I don't know how to wrap my head around that, but it creeps into the back of my mind regardless. He actually seems willing to fight me for me. It's shocking. I wake up in the morning and feel surprised that he hasn't changed his mind about me, that he's still here, still holding onto me, in spite of me. I just smile and feel grateful for his presence in my life right now. I'm a very happy and lucky girl.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Flow
My early awkwardness with the boy disappeared during the middle of last week when I decided to let some of my guard down and just enjoy the moment. Since then I've done reasonably well at letting it flow and not asking questions. But tonight, as we shared a comfortable silence looking into each other's eyes, I felt a bit of sadness.
Out of nowhere, it popped into my head.
I wish you were about 10 years older and in a place in your life where we could be together on a more serious level.
It hit me so hard that I nearly said it out loud. Thank gods I didn't.
But it didn't matter, he saw me withdraw from the moment. "What's wrong?" he asked.
"Nothing," I said, looking down and faking a smile.
Sometimes I catch him with an expression that indicates he's thinking about it too, and we have the very same interaction, roles reversed.
"What are you thinking about?" I'll ask him.
"Nothing," he'll say, faking a smile.
It's going to be so hard when he leaves for Iraq. We have this amazing connection, and we both love spending time together. It's only been a week since he came home, but I've already gotten attached, just like I knew I would.
The self sabotaging part of me wants to make sure we've stopped seeing each other long before he goes, just so I can be angry at him, or at least feel indifferent, instead of feeling the pain of his loss like last time.
But I shouldn't think like that. His departure is 4 months away, and between now and then, I just want to enjoy what we have. I've been making a conscious effort. When we're together, I have to be right here, right now - not off somewhere else, worrying about the future. I want to appreciate each moment to its fullest.
He is special to me in a way that I never expected. It still surprises me when I think about it.
I'm really lucky.
Out of nowhere, it popped into my head.
I wish you were about 10 years older and in a place in your life where we could be together on a more serious level.
It hit me so hard that I nearly said it out loud. Thank gods I didn't.
But it didn't matter, he saw me withdraw from the moment. "What's wrong?" he asked.
"Nothing," I said, looking down and faking a smile.
Sometimes I catch him with an expression that indicates he's thinking about it too, and we have the very same interaction, roles reversed.
"What are you thinking about?" I'll ask him.
"Nothing," he'll say, faking a smile.
It's going to be so hard when he leaves for Iraq. We have this amazing connection, and we both love spending time together. It's only been a week since he came home, but I've already gotten attached, just like I knew I would.
The self sabotaging part of me wants to make sure we've stopped seeing each other long before he goes, just so I can be angry at him, or at least feel indifferent, instead of feeling the pain of his loss like last time.
But I shouldn't think like that. His departure is 4 months away, and between now and then, I just want to enjoy what we have. I've been making a conscious effort. When we're together, I have to be right here, right now - not off somewhere else, worrying about the future. I want to appreciate each moment to its fullest.
He is special to me in a way that I never expected. It still surprises me when I think about it.
I'm really lucky.
Monday, November 10, 2008
Melancholy Monday
This has been the most haphazard day. I can't seem to get anywhere on time, get anything done, or stick to any plan. I was late to work this morning, late to class, I had sit out half the class because I had heart palpitations, my boss and I keep missing each other so we can't seem to solve the problem that I need his help with, I was late to my doctor's appointment, the doctor told me exactly what I didn't want to hear so I argued with him and now I have to see a specialist for a second opinion, I went upstairs to talk to my friend for a few minutes and got sidetracked for over an hour... it's now almost 5:00pm, I've gotten nothing done, I'm completely distracted, and I feel like I should just give up and try again tomorrow.
I'm a perfectionist, dammit. I'm ill-equipped to handle this much chaos in one day.
[deep breath]
I waited all day Saturday to hear from the boy, but when midnight rolled around and he still hadn't called, I gave up and went to bed. The sound of my phone vibrating on the kitchen counter woke me at about 2:00am. He had just arrived in town a couple hours earlier, probably about the time I was going to bed, and he wanted to see if I was still awake. I figured, I'm already out of bed, so why not? So he came over.
We had a long squeezy hug, and then we sat and talked for a while. He looks so thin. He says he lost 20 lbs, but it looks like more than that. All that's left is muscle. Four weeks of running and push-ups. He doesn't think boot camp changed him like everyone said it would, but I think maybe he's a little more cocky than he was before. Not in a bad way... just different. Slightly.
We talked with each other like no time had passed at all, like we've known each other forever, even though we only knew each other for a couple of days before he left. It was nice to know that we still have a connection, that it wasn't just my imagination or something fleeting that I felt because of the excitement of the moment.
But when things got physical, I disengaged emotionally. I don't know why. I didn't mean to, it just happened. I started having this mental dialog with myself, like I wasn't even there with the boy. It was surreal. I wondered why I was feeling so detached. I wondered if it was because of what happened with the pharmacist. Then I started thinking about the pharmacist. Then I started comparing the boy to the pharmacist! Ugh.
That went on for a while before I managed to quiet my brain and bring myself back into the present. After that I found myself feeling distant from the boy. Not because of him or anything he said or did, but because of me. I didn't understand it. I was so looking forward to seeing him. I should be happy, right? I should be living in this moment. I should be all in.
Maybe I psyched myself out somehow. Maybe through all my rationalizing about how the boy can never be the one, I actually convinced myself that attachment is not an option. Maybe I put up a wall to keep myself from becoming invested. Maybe I even shut myself off to him a long time ago because I was so sad after he left.
Is it right for me to do that? Should I try to be more open with the boy? Or should I assume the wall is there for a good reason?
Argh... so many questions I keep asking myself.
I don't know when I'll see him again. Part of me wants to see him right away so I can test this out and see if I still react to him the same way. But part of me says, what difference does it make? He's not long term and I know this. So what's the big deal? Why not just have fun with him while it lasts? Who says I need to be emotionally invested? Why can't I just enjoy his company?
All day Sunday after he left my place, I was a bumbling idiot around the house, dropping things, running into furniture, forgetting what I was in the middle of doing. And I guess today hasn't been much better, since I can't seem to stay on schedule. Though apparently I'm not the only one having this problem today -- I've talked to at least 3 other people who also can't seem to get anything done or stick to a plan. It must be in the stars. Is Scorpio battling with Aries today?
My doctor's appointment was for anxiety. Actually the doctor thinks I have a panic disorder. He wants to put me on a 3-year course of anti-depressants. I'm so opposed to long term treatment, and having been on a variety of anti-depressants before, that's about the last thing I want to deal with right now. The sad thing is, I think his assessment is probably right on, if only I would accept it for what it is. For some reason, I just couldn't do it. So I'm going to see a mental health specialist for a more in-depth evaluation. They'll probably tell me the exact same thing. What will I do then? Refuse treatment again, or accept my fate?
Well... it's now just after 5:30pm, and I've already decided there's no way I can stay at work as late as I should. I'm bailing out to go drinking with my friend. Hope I make it home in time for Heroes.
Cheers.
I'm a perfectionist, dammit. I'm ill-equipped to handle this much chaos in one day.
[deep breath]
I waited all day Saturday to hear from the boy, but when midnight rolled around and he still hadn't called, I gave up and went to bed. The sound of my phone vibrating on the kitchen counter woke me at about 2:00am. He had just arrived in town a couple hours earlier, probably about the time I was going to bed, and he wanted to see if I was still awake. I figured, I'm already out of bed, so why not? So he came over.
We had a long squeezy hug, and then we sat and talked for a while. He looks so thin. He says he lost 20 lbs, but it looks like more than that. All that's left is muscle. Four weeks of running and push-ups. He doesn't think boot camp changed him like everyone said it would, but I think maybe he's a little more cocky than he was before. Not in a bad way... just different. Slightly.
We talked with each other like no time had passed at all, like we've known each other forever, even though we only knew each other for a couple of days before he left. It was nice to know that we still have a connection, that it wasn't just my imagination or something fleeting that I felt because of the excitement of the moment.
But when things got physical, I disengaged emotionally. I don't know why. I didn't mean to, it just happened. I started having this mental dialog with myself, like I wasn't even there with the boy. It was surreal. I wondered why I was feeling so detached. I wondered if it was because of what happened with the pharmacist. Then I started thinking about the pharmacist. Then I started comparing the boy to the pharmacist! Ugh.
That went on for a while before I managed to quiet my brain and bring myself back into the present. After that I found myself feeling distant from the boy. Not because of him or anything he said or did, but because of me. I didn't understand it. I was so looking forward to seeing him. I should be happy, right? I should be living in this moment. I should be all in.
Maybe I psyched myself out somehow. Maybe through all my rationalizing about how the boy can never be the one, I actually convinced myself that attachment is not an option. Maybe I put up a wall to keep myself from becoming invested. Maybe I even shut myself off to him a long time ago because I was so sad after he left.
Is it right for me to do that? Should I try to be more open with the boy? Or should I assume the wall is there for a good reason?
Argh... so many questions I keep asking myself.
I don't know when I'll see him again. Part of me wants to see him right away so I can test this out and see if I still react to him the same way. But part of me says, what difference does it make? He's not long term and I know this. So what's the big deal? Why not just have fun with him while it lasts? Who says I need to be emotionally invested? Why can't I just enjoy his company?
All day Sunday after he left my place, I was a bumbling idiot around the house, dropping things, running into furniture, forgetting what I was in the middle of doing. And I guess today hasn't been much better, since I can't seem to stay on schedule. Though apparently I'm not the only one having this problem today -- I've talked to at least 3 other people who also can't seem to get anything done or stick to a plan. It must be in the stars. Is Scorpio battling with Aries today?
My doctor's appointment was for anxiety. Actually the doctor thinks I have a panic disorder. He wants to put me on a 3-year course of anti-depressants. I'm so opposed to long term treatment, and having been on a variety of anti-depressants before, that's about the last thing I want to deal with right now. The sad thing is, I think his assessment is probably right on, if only I would accept it for what it is. For some reason, I just couldn't do it. So I'm going to see a mental health specialist for a more in-depth evaluation. They'll probably tell me the exact same thing. What will I do then? Refuse treatment again, or accept my fate?
Well... it's now just after 5:30pm, and I've already decided there's no way I can stay at work as late as I should. I'm bailing out to go drinking with my friend. Hope I make it home in time for Heroes.
Cheers.
Friday, November 7, 2008
Happy Friday
That's really all I have to say right now.
Maybe I'll be back to write more later, but until then...
Happy Friday, and a lovely weekend to all.
Maybe I'll be back to write more later, but until then...
Happy Friday, and a lovely weekend to all.
Monday, November 3, 2008
Boy Blather
I've been wanting to write for the last week, but haven't known how to organize my thoughts. This might pour out into one big mess. (It usually does.)
...
The pharmacist.
After he told me multiple times that he wanted to remain friends, when I asked him directly why he's been avoiding hanging out with me, he basically told me he doesn't ever want to hang out with me unless it's a trip to the casino. And after our last trip where he blew an entire month's rent in under an hour, he's vowed not to go back for a while. So... we won't ever hang out? At all?
Oh... and apparently my cats really stink.
Whatever, dude. Get over yourself. I sure did.
...
The boy.
He graduates from training on Friday, and will be home sometime during the weekend. We already have plans to see a movie together. I'm excited to see him - I can't wait to hear all about his experience. But I'm also having a bit of anxiety too. We all know I'm terrible at going into a situation without expectations, right?
...
It worries me how easily I get attached to people when there's a good connection. I only knew the boy for one weekend before he left for training, yet his loss caused me to cry for days and be sad and mopey for weeks.
And the pharmacist... he was never a good match to begin with, yet I managed to get myself attached to him too. Then I wondered what was wrong with me when it didn't work out. (Because I always have to blame myself first before I can look at it objectively.)
So I guess the issue is that, having recently gone through a bad situation caused by my own poor judgment with the pharmacist, I'm a little leery of making another bad call with the boy. I mean let's face it, my track record for decisions concerning the male gender is not stellar.
I am also very aware of the fact that the boy cannot possibly be long term, which means he is not "the one", which makes me wonder how much time and effort I should spend on him in the first place. What if I waste my time having frivolous fun when I should be trying to date people who are my age, who aren't in the army and getting deployed in 6 months?
One of my friends who lives in Portland has a screenwriter friend he's been wanting to introduce me to. We've already halfway planned a post-ski outing with this guy, even though ski season hasn't started yet. He sounds like a great guy, and it means a lot to me that my friend wants to introduce us.
Then there's my friend who's dating all the different guys she meets online. I've never been real excited about online dating, and when I heard about some of her early experiences, I really wanted to stay away from that scene. But after she figured out how screen guys appropriately, she started meeting some really interesting people. Now she's got one she really likes who actually has long term potential.
So... I guess I'm looking at where I've been, I'm looking at the options in front of me, I'm looking at what's happening in my friends' lives, and... I have all this information... I feel like I should use it to my advantage somehow, to help me choose a path for myself... but I still don't know what's best.
I know what I want in the long run -- a boy to hold me at night who meets that whole long list of criteria from previous posts. A permanent boy. A life partner. And eventually a family.
If only I could figure out where to start!
But my more immediate issue is the boy. I will see him in less than a week. I'm really kind of surprised and amazed that he still likes me and wants to see me after all this time away. It's been almost 4 months. I thought for sure he would've forgotten me or decided he didn't like me. Who knew?
I keep thinking about his arms. They were massive and strong before he left, and he's had 4 months of rigorous physical training since then. He's going to be hotter than hot!
[Andrea flushes at the thought of the boy's biceps]
Nevertheless, I can't help feeling insecure. He's 21, beautiful, charismatic, fun, has a ton of friends and family, and plans to spend time with them all when he comes home. So... why me? Of all the girls I know damn well he has available to choose from, why on earth is he interested in me? What if he comes home, sees me, and realizes the error of his ways? He could still decide he doesn't like me, just like the pharmacist did. The pharmacist was a brilliant reminder of why NOT to get too involved or attached, why not to trust. Why I should fear.
I always second guess myself.
I know what Jennicula will say. :)
Just let it flow.
It's an immense challenge, but I will surely try.
He'll be home in less than a week!
...
The pharmacist.
After he told me multiple times that he wanted to remain friends, when I asked him directly why he's been avoiding hanging out with me, he basically told me he doesn't ever want to hang out with me unless it's a trip to the casino. And after our last trip where he blew an entire month's rent in under an hour, he's vowed not to go back for a while. So... we won't ever hang out? At all?
Oh... and apparently my cats really stink.
Whatever, dude. Get over yourself. I sure did.
...
The boy.
He graduates from training on Friday, and will be home sometime during the weekend. We already have plans to see a movie together. I'm excited to see him - I can't wait to hear all about his experience. But I'm also having a bit of anxiety too. We all know I'm terrible at going into a situation without expectations, right?
...
It worries me how easily I get attached to people when there's a good connection. I only knew the boy for one weekend before he left for training, yet his loss caused me to cry for days and be sad and mopey for weeks.
And the pharmacist... he was never a good match to begin with, yet I managed to get myself attached to him too. Then I wondered what was wrong with me when it didn't work out. (Because I always have to blame myself first before I can look at it objectively.)
So I guess the issue is that, having recently gone through a bad situation caused by my own poor judgment with the pharmacist, I'm a little leery of making another bad call with the boy. I mean let's face it, my track record for decisions concerning the male gender is not stellar.
I am also very aware of the fact that the boy cannot possibly be long term, which means he is not "the one", which makes me wonder how much time and effort I should spend on him in the first place. What if I waste my time having frivolous fun when I should be trying to date people who are my age, who aren't in the army and getting deployed in 6 months?
One of my friends who lives in Portland has a screenwriter friend he's been wanting to introduce me to. We've already halfway planned a post-ski outing with this guy, even though ski season hasn't started yet. He sounds like a great guy, and it means a lot to me that my friend wants to introduce us.
Then there's my friend who's dating all the different guys she meets online. I've never been real excited about online dating, and when I heard about some of her early experiences, I really wanted to stay away from that scene. But after she figured out how screen guys appropriately, she started meeting some really interesting people. Now she's got one she really likes who actually has long term potential.
So... I guess I'm looking at where I've been, I'm looking at the options in front of me, I'm looking at what's happening in my friends' lives, and... I have all this information... I feel like I should use it to my advantage somehow, to help me choose a path for myself... but I still don't know what's best.
I know what I want in the long run -- a boy to hold me at night who meets that whole long list of criteria from previous posts. A permanent boy. A life partner. And eventually a family.
If only I could figure out where to start!
But my more immediate issue is the boy. I will see him in less than a week. I'm really kind of surprised and amazed that he still likes me and wants to see me after all this time away. It's been almost 4 months. I thought for sure he would've forgotten me or decided he didn't like me. Who knew?
I keep thinking about his arms. They were massive and strong before he left, and he's had 4 months of rigorous physical training since then. He's going to be hotter than hot!
[Andrea flushes at the thought of the boy's biceps]
Nevertheless, I can't help feeling insecure. He's 21, beautiful, charismatic, fun, has a ton of friends and family, and plans to spend time with them all when he comes home. So... why me? Of all the girls I know damn well he has available to choose from, why on earth is he interested in me? What if he comes home, sees me, and realizes the error of his ways? He could still decide he doesn't like me, just like the pharmacist did. The pharmacist was a brilliant reminder of why NOT to get too involved or attached, why not to trust. Why I should fear.
I always second guess myself.
I know what Jennicula will say. :)
Just let it flow.
It's an immense challenge, but I will surely try.
He'll be home in less than a week!
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