It makes me smile. :)
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Monday, May 19, 2008
Avoidance
So... there's something I really want to write about, but I can't. At least not until tomorrow.
To avoid thinking about it, I numbed my mind with gaming all evening, and boy howdy, was it a productive night!
[nerd alert]
I earned 1000 honor in the battleground, hit level 50, and got promoted to Knight in my guild! Woo-hoo!
I also watched the season finale of Gossip Girl, which is like the train wreck I can't look away from. It's a bunch of spoiled, bored rich kids with nothing better to do than be devious and cruel to each other for thier own twisted amusement. I love it!
I have nothing more to blather about, so I'll scurry off to bed. I must rise early in the morning so I can be present and accounted for during the awkward chaos that is certain to ensue at my place of employment. Oh goodie.
On some days I wish I really could ride around on a flaming horse and shoot shadowbolts at giant dinosaurs.
Oh well... another day, another dollar.
To avoid thinking about it, I numbed my mind with gaming all evening, and boy howdy, was it a productive night!
[nerd alert]
I earned 1000 honor in the battleground, hit level 50, and got promoted to Knight in my guild! Woo-hoo!
I also watched the season finale of Gossip Girl, which is like the train wreck I can't look away from. It's a bunch of spoiled, bored rich kids with nothing better to do than be devious and cruel to each other for thier own twisted amusement. I love it!
I have nothing more to blather about, so I'll scurry off to bed. I must rise early in the morning so I can be present and accounted for during the awkward chaos that is certain to ensue at my place of employment. Oh goodie.
On some days I wish I really could ride around on a flaming horse and shoot shadowbolts at giant dinosaurs.
Oh well... another day, another dollar.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Long Weekend
I drove 5 hours to my mom's house on Saturday so I could spend the weekend with her for Mother's Day. (And fix her computer.)
Visiting my family always brings a host of mixed feelings for me. Even the drive itself gets me thinking about people and experiences from my past, some good, some not so good.
My family makes me feel stressed out. My mom and my sister fight with each other constantly. When my sister is out of the house, my mom only wants to gripe about my sister, or my ex-step-dad. Stories, complaints, and flawed rationale that I've heard so many times before. It really wears on me.
On the other hand, after my mom has gotten it out of her system, she starts to ask me how my life is going, and we start to have real two-way conversations about family, life, and the world. It's really nice to actually talk *with* her instead of being talked at.
My mom and I went to the beach and walked around the tide flats for over an hour, having a really good discussion. Along the way, we found a tide pool absolutely full of sand dollars. Fuzzy black discs, half buried in the sand, all along the bottom of the pool. Then I realized they were in the sand outside the tide pool too, and there were so many, I was afraid I might crush them with my clumsy feet.
We drove up to Skagit Valley to see the tulip fields, but we were a week too late. All the tulips were gone. We saw a few bright stagglers mixed in with the wilted daffodils, and a few fields of green tulip foliage with no flowers. The drive was still nice, I love the Skagit Valley any time of year.
I spent hours working on my mom's old Windows 98 computer, thinking she had some virus, only to discover it was bad RAM. Fortunately she had two sticks, so I was able to just remove one and reposition the other.
I tried to play piano this weekend, which I always find relaxing, but as soon as my sister heard me playing, she started wailing on her electric guitar, totally drowning me out. I was a little frustrated with her for that. I never get to play piano anymore. :(
Three days at my family's house is about my limit. I was very ready to leave this morning. Another 5 hours on I-5, and I'm back home, thankfully with another day off tomorrow so I can recover from the trip before I go back to work. I could definitely use a day alone to recharge before I submit myself to the chaos at the office!
Visiting my family always brings a host of mixed feelings for me. Even the drive itself gets me thinking about people and experiences from my past, some good, some not so good.
My family makes me feel stressed out. My mom and my sister fight with each other constantly. When my sister is out of the house, my mom only wants to gripe about my sister, or my ex-step-dad. Stories, complaints, and flawed rationale that I've heard so many times before. It really wears on me.
On the other hand, after my mom has gotten it out of her system, she starts to ask me how my life is going, and we start to have real two-way conversations about family, life, and the world. It's really nice to actually talk *with* her instead of being talked at.
My mom and I went to the beach and walked around the tide flats for over an hour, having a really good discussion. Along the way, we found a tide pool absolutely full of sand dollars. Fuzzy black discs, half buried in the sand, all along the bottom of the pool. Then I realized they were in the sand outside the tide pool too, and there were so many, I was afraid I might crush them with my clumsy feet.
We drove up to Skagit Valley to see the tulip fields, but we were a week too late. All the tulips were gone. We saw a few bright stagglers mixed in with the wilted daffodils, and a few fields of green tulip foliage with no flowers. The drive was still nice, I love the Skagit Valley any time of year.
I spent hours working on my mom's old Windows 98 computer, thinking she had some virus, only to discover it was bad RAM. Fortunately she had two sticks, so I was able to just remove one and reposition the other.
I tried to play piano this weekend, which I always find relaxing, but as soon as my sister heard me playing, she started wailing on her electric guitar, totally drowning me out. I was a little frustrated with her for that. I never get to play piano anymore. :(
Three days at my family's house is about my limit. I was very ready to leave this morning. Another 5 hours on I-5, and I'm back home, thankfully with another day off tomorrow so I can recover from the trip before I go back to work. I could definitely use a day alone to recharge before I submit myself to the chaos at the office!
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Blessed
I was having a horrible day at work. I literally spent most of the day at my desk fighting back tears because I was so fucking frustrated.
Near the end of the day, one of my coworkers, who isn't normally one to bitch or gossip, stopped by my office and told me how angry he's been about our office politics and our lack of clear direction. Seeing the look of frustration and exasperation in his face was like looking into a mirror. It was nice to talk and know that I'm not the only one having a hard time, but it also made me feel more down. It's bad enough that I felt like shit all day, but I hate to see someone else feeling that way too.
In the middle of our conversation, my phone rang. It was my best childhood friend who I hadn't talked to in about 6 months. She called out of the blue just to say hi. It was the best timing in the world.
She and I have known each other since about 2nd grade. We were inseparable all through grade school and middle school. Even when her mother moved away and she started going to a different school, I still spent nearly every weekend with her at her dad's house. They were my second family.
We lost touch in high school and college, but we found each other again a few years ago on MySpace. To my surprise, she had been living in Portland, only an hour away from me!
We managed to get together a few times, but then a year ago, she moved to NYC to go to graduate school. I've only spoken with her once since she moved, and I've missed her.
She's one of those friends where we might not talk for months or even years, but when we reconnect, we pick up right where we left off as if no time had passed at all. I love that. Through all the changes in our lives, we always know each other.
Her phone call really made my day.
You know how sometimes people ask you how things are going, and you feel like you have to lie and say everything's great because nobody wants to hear it if things aren't going well?
I've never felt that way with her. I told her all about the shit at work, and she was so supportive and encouraging. She totally made me feel better. And I got to hear all about her adventures in NYC, which was very exciting. I'm so proud of her for following her dream.
I don't have very many close friends who stick with me through all the ups and downs in life, but she has always been there. Even during the years when we lost touch, I knew that she was out there and one day we would talk again.
By the time I got off the phone with her, everyone in my building had left for the day. I stood in my office alone and smiled widely. All my frustration from the day was gone. Talking to my friend was exactly what I needed. How did she know?
She always does.
Near the end of the day, one of my coworkers, who isn't normally one to bitch or gossip, stopped by my office and told me how angry he's been about our office politics and our lack of clear direction. Seeing the look of frustration and exasperation in his face was like looking into a mirror. It was nice to talk and know that I'm not the only one having a hard time, but it also made me feel more down. It's bad enough that I felt like shit all day, but I hate to see someone else feeling that way too.
In the middle of our conversation, my phone rang. It was my best childhood friend who I hadn't talked to in about 6 months. She called out of the blue just to say hi. It was the best timing in the world.
She and I have known each other since about 2nd grade. We were inseparable all through grade school and middle school. Even when her mother moved away and she started going to a different school, I still spent nearly every weekend with her at her dad's house. They were my second family.
We lost touch in high school and college, but we found each other again a few years ago on MySpace. To my surprise, she had been living in Portland, only an hour away from me!
We managed to get together a few times, but then a year ago, she moved to NYC to go to graduate school. I've only spoken with her once since she moved, and I've missed her.
She's one of those friends where we might not talk for months or even years, but when we reconnect, we pick up right where we left off as if no time had passed at all. I love that. Through all the changes in our lives, we always know each other.
Her phone call really made my day.
You know how sometimes people ask you how things are going, and you feel like you have to lie and say everything's great because nobody wants to hear it if things aren't going well?
I've never felt that way with her. I told her all about the shit at work, and she was so supportive and encouraging. She totally made me feel better. And I got to hear all about her adventures in NYC, which was very exciting. I'm so proud of her for following her dream.
I don't have very many close friends who stick with me through all the ups and downs in life, but she has always been there. Even during the years when we lost touch, I knew that she was out there and one day we would talk again.
By the time I got off the phone with her, everyone in my building had left for the day. I stood in my office alone and smiled widely. All my frustration from the day was gone. Talking to my friend was exactly what I needed. How did she know?
She always does.
Monday, May 5, 2008
Monday Monday
(da-dah da da-da da)
No whining this time, I promise.
I had today off from work, which makes this the best Monday I've had in a really long time. I slept in, leisurely did a few chores around the house, went to a movie, laid around the back yard with my cat... it was lovely.
The best friend can't resist telling me about work when I'm on vacation. He emailed me all the gossip from this morning's department meeting. I'm a little miffed about it (both the gossip itself, and him telling me about it on my day off), but I won't go into detail about it here and now. I'd rather not deal with it today.
I saw Iron Man today, and it was better than I expected. I fell in love with Robert Downey Jr. all over again. The dude looks pretty damn good for a recovered drug addict in his mid-40's who hit bottom and lived to tell about it. Oh... and his acting ain't half bad either! ^_~
Actually, it got me thinking -- why am I always attracted to the beautiful, dark haired, sensitive, intelligent guys who also happen to be dark, psychologically askew outsiders with a penchant for addiction and/or eccentric/erratic behavior?
It's usually some odd combination of the introvert and the extrovert. The nerdy types who are quiet thinkers yet possess a dramatic magnetism, who look like they have the potential to burst out and go a little insane -- if they haven't done so already.
I swear that every celebrity crush I've ever had fits into this category. Even the ones who aren't necessarily crushes, but maybe I admire them for what they've achieved personally and professionally. There are even women who fit this bill. Some of them aren't even real people, but characters portrayed by actors who can successfully bring these qualities to life. Here are a few that jump to the front of my mind:
Johnny Depp
Robert Downey Jr.
Rivers Cuomo
Gerard Way
Amanda Palmer
Bjork
Matt Bellamy
young Orson Welles
Jake Gyllenhaal (mostly for Donnie Darko)
Milo Ventimiglia (mostly for Peter Petrelli on Heroes)
Even (dare I say it) Keanu Reeves
People who are (or who portray characters that are) very smart, somewhat dark, and... different.
Of course I realize that this list of people I've never met is mostly full of illusion. That's what entertainment is, right? It's all about perception, and I fully realize how slanted mine can be, even though I don't like to admit it.
Perhaps this explains why I've met very few people with these qualities in real life. Most of the guys I've been in relationships with have been highly intelligent and sensitive, just not in the beautiful dark-haired movie/rock star sort of way. None of them have had the ambition to leave convention behind and go a little insane, to do something because it feels right, or because everything else feels wrong. They've all been a little too attached to their own security in some way, whether it was financial, familial, or social.
Heaven forbid you should do something that other people don't expect or may not accept. Or push yourself outside of your status quo life. Or open up and show someone else what's really inside.
The irony is, as I say this, I am guilty of the very same things. I love and hate my life, my status quo existance, my heavily worn rut. I hide in it every day. I barracade myself in for safety and then complain about feeling cramped by it.
When I was younger and much less independent, I used to wish for someone to save me; the handsome stranger who would enter my life unexpectedly and "take me away from it all". A partner to make me feel more complete.
As I grew up and learned to rely on myself, I realized that my desire for a savior was silly and unrealistic. Nevertheless, I do still think about it sometimes. But I think what I really want, more than someone to save me, is someone to inspire me. I want the person who is willing to take a leap, go for an adventure, and bring me along for the ride, perhaps giving me the support and courage to do the same.
In those characters I see on the big screen, and in that music I listen to almost obsessively, I see and hear many qualities I can relate to - that quiet and intelligent darkness bordering on insanity. That feeling of being different, not fitting in no matter where I am. That constant sense of lonliness because nobody really understands.
I also see and hear many of the qualities I wish I had. The energy and motivation to do something about it, the courage to leave my safe little world behind, to be original, to make something that's my own.
I think this is why I love movies so much. I always had difficulty with reading, so I never got into books or comics when I was a kid, but I always loved cartoons and movies. Occasionally when I'm feeling really down, I wish I could live inside a movie. Or even inside Warcraft. When I see a story or a character or even a concert that grabs me, I want to hold onto it and never let go. I just want to avoid real life because it seems like there's no escape from being squeezed into a mold that makes me so unhappy.
Alas... I must continue on, and rely on myself to find a way out of my bad situations. Nobody else is going to do it for me, and there's no grand inspiration except for the threshhold I will eventually reach where I decide that I can't take it anymore.
But... I still continue to look for a glitch in the Matrix. There has to be some reason why I feel so different, why I can't just go to my job every day and be happy to earn a paycheck. Someday I hope to make sense of it all. I suppose that's my real motivation, to finally understand what this is all about. I need to know why.
Maybe I'll never know. Maybe I'll drive myself crazy searching for answers. Maybe I'll realize there is no answer, and allow myself to settle in and be ignorant.
Who knows.
All these crazy things I ponder when I see a movie on my day off from work. Hooray for a Monday well spent!
No whining this time, I promise.
I had today off from work, which makes this the best Monday I've had in a really long time. I slept in, leisurely did a few chores around the house, went to a movie, laid around the back yard with my cat... it was lovely.
The best friend can't resist telling me about work when I'm on vacation. He emailed me all the gossip from this morning's department meeting. I'm a little miffed about it (both the gossip itself, and him telling me about it on my day off), but I won't go into detail about it here and now. I'd rather not deal with it today.
I saw Iron Man today, and it was better than I expected. I fell in love with Robert Downey Jr. all over again. The dude looks pretty damn good for a recovered drug addict in his mid-40's who hit bottom and lived to tell about it. Oh... and his acting ain't half bad either! ^_~
Actually, it got me thinking -- why am I always attracted to the beautiful, dark haired, sensitive, intelligent guys who also happen to be dark, psychologically askew outsiders with a penchant for addiction and/or eccentric/erratic behavior?
It's usually some odd combination of the introvert and the extrovert. The nerdy types who are quiet thinkers yet possess a dramatic magnetism, who look like they have the potential to burst out and go a little insane -- if they haven't done so already.
I swear that every celebrity crush I've ever had fits into this category. Even the ones who aren't necessarily crushes, but maybe I admire them for what they've achieved personally and professionally. There are even women who fit this bill. Some of them aren't even real people, but characters portrayed by actors who can successfully bring these qualities to life. Here are a few that jump to the front of my mind:
Johnny Depp
Robert Downey Jr.
Rivers Cuomo
Gerard Way
Amanda Palmer
Bjork
Matt Bellamy
young Orson Welles
Jake Gyllenhaal (mostly for Donnie Darko)
Milo Ventimiglia (mostly for Peter Petrelli on Heroes)
Even (dare I say it) Keanu Reeves
People who are (or who portray characters that are) very smart, somewhat dark, and... different.
Of course I realize that this list of people I've never met is mostly full of illusion. That's what entertainment is, right? It's all about perception, and I fully realize how slanted mine can be, even though I don't like to admit it.
Perhaps this explains why I've met very few people with these qualities in real life. Most of the guys I've been in relationships with have been highly intelligent and sensitive, just not in the beautiful dark-haired movie/rock star sort of way. None of them have had the ambition to leave convention behind and go a little insane, to do something because it feels right, or because everything else feels wrong. They've all been a little too attached to their own security in some way, whether it was financial, familial, or social.
Heaven forbid you should do something that other people don't expect or may not accept. Or push yourself outside of your status quo life. Or open up and show someone else what's really inside.
The irony is, as I say this, I am guilty of the very same things. I love and hate my life, my status quo existance, my heavily worn rut. I hide in it every day. I barracade myself in for safety and then complain about feeling cramped by it.
When I was younger and much less independent, I used to wish for someone to save me; the handsome stranger who would enter my life unexpectedly and "take me away from it all". A partner to make me feel more complete.
As I grew up and learned to rely on myself, I realized that my desire for a savior was silly and unrealistic. Nevertheless, I do still think about it sometimes. But I think what I really want, more than someone to save me, is someone to inspire me. I want the person who is willing to take a leap, go for an adventure, and bring me along for the ride, perhaps giving me the support and courage to do the same.
In those characters I see on the big screen, and in that music I listen to almost obsessively, I see and hear many qualities I can relate to - that quiet and intelligent darkness bordering on insanity. That feeling of being different, not fitting in no matter where I am. That constant sense of lonliness because nobody really understands.
I also see and hear many of the qualities I wish I had. The energy and motivation to do something about it, the courage to leave my safe little world behind, to be original, to make something that's my own.
I think this is why I love movies so much. I always had difficulty with reading, so I never got into books or comics when I was a kid, but I always loved cartoons and movies. Occasionally when I'm feeling really down, I wish I could live inside a movie. Or even inside Warcraft. When I see a story or a character or even a concert that grabs me, I want to hold onto it and never let go. I just want to avoid real life because it seems like there's no escape from being squeezed into a mold that makes me so unhappy.
Alas... I must continue on, and rely on myself to find a way out of my bad situations. Nobody else is going to do it for me, and there's no grand inspiration except for the threshhold I will eventually reach where I decide that I can't take it anymore.
But... I still continue to look for a glitch in the Matrix. There has to be some reason why I feel so different, why I can't just go to my job every day and be happy to earn a paycheck. Someday I hope to make sense of it all. I suppose that's my real motivation, to finally understand what this is all about. I need to know why.
Maybe I'll never know. Maybe I'll drive myself crazy searching for answers. Maybe I'll realize there is no answer, and allow myself to settle in and be ignorant.
Who knows.
All these crazy things I ponder when I see a movie on my day off from work. Hooray for a Monday well spent!
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