Bleed It Out

All week long I've been fighting myself.

"He likes me!" [girlish giggle]

"Maybe he doesn't like me?"

"He totally likes me."

"I don't think he likes me."

It's a stupid argument because it's pretty damn obvious that he likes me. I know it, he knows it, and everyone who knows that we're dating knows it. Yet I still fight myself, I still come up with reasons why not. I am a classic over-analyzer and self-sabotager. Nothing can ever "just be".

Now I have something new to pick apart. Last night we started the "what are we?" conversation. His responses made me feel disappointed. It was the first time since I've started hanging out with him that I truly felt like running away and hiding alone. We were lying next to each other in bed, and I turned away from him and scrunched myself up near the edge. He tried to pull me back, but I resisted. I couldn't help it. In that moment I desperately needed space.

In my claustrophobic panic I suddenly became unable to articulate my thoughts. So I didn't actually tell him how it made me feel, I just reacted physically without explaining why. Now I can't decide if I should follow up with him and talk about it. He patiently and honestly answered all of my boneheaded questions, so I sort of feel like I owe him the same level of openness. On the other hand, he probably won't like what I have to say, and besides that, I get the impression he doesn't really want to deal with these kinds of talks at this early stage in our relationship. Can't say I blame him, really. Serious talks always complicate things.

He said I'm his new best friend.

Depending on how you look at it, that could either be endearing or infuriating.

"Do you kiss all your best friends?"

Seriously. I wanted to know.

My last male best friend fell in love with me, and when I didn't return the sentiment, we gradually drifted apart until one day he basically cut me off. I think he literally woke up one morning and thought "I'm going to stop talking to Andrea today." Now he's the coworker formerly known as the best friend, and things are really uncomfortable between us.

I have to wonder if I'm in the opposite position now. Maybe I'm falling in love with someone who's unable or unwilling to return the sentiment. And maybe one morning I'll wake up and decide I need to cut him out of my life.

How long do I wait before I make that decision? What if this is all he ever wants from me? I would always be waiting and wishing for something more, but it would never happen, and I would always feel disappointed.

I've been here before. I'm the absolute master of hooking up with boys who still have feelings for their ex-girlfriends, who aren't ready to take the plunge on a new relationship, who want me to be their best friend, usually with benefits, so they can have all the fun and comfort of a partnership without the responsibility of commitment or fear of getting hurt. I've been here so many times. I can't do it again. I just can't.

I don't want a best friend, dammit! I want a partner! >_< [frumpy frown] The two of us are driving out to the coast this afternoon. I decided earlier this week that I needed ocean time, to contemplate my smallness in the immensity of nature, and I invited him to go with me. If he had said no, I would've gone by myself. Now I almost wish I could. He's got an appointment at midday and can't leave until afterwards. I could ditch him if I wanted to. I could hop in the car alone and leave while he's stuck at his appointment. I know it would hurt him, and I don't want to do that, but it's awfully tempting to be selfish and take care of myself first. So here I am, fighting myself again. Over-analyzing. Nothing can ever "just be". It's worth noting that before this conversation occurred, I had the best evening with him. He called me at work and asked if he could take me out to dinner. It was like a real date! He came over, all freshly shaven and smelling good. We ate dinner and went to a movie. We talked and laughed and had a great time. He held my hand in the theater. And he wasn't all ADD! It was like he set aside an entire evening just to spend time and pay attention to me. It's been years since someone did that for me. It was really, truly wonderful. So why I can't I just count my blessings and enjoy our time together without ripping it apart ten thousand times over in my head? I must be retarded.

Conjunction or Opposition?

The stars may have aligned for me once again, if only briefly. I have slept next to the pharmacist for the last two nights. No sex. Not even kissing. We just curled up together, all our clothes still on, and slept. It was so peaceful and warm. I wanted a boy to hold me at night, and it seems I got what I wished for. It's been a great weekend.

Problem is, our core values couldn't be more different. We have a ton of fun together as long as we don't talk politics or religion. He's a gun-toting conservative catholic, and I'm a pacifist liberal pagan. He swears that society's morals are being degraded by an over-abundance of tolerance, and I swear they're being degraded by a lack thereof. What's more, he seems to want to convince me that his viewpoint is correct, and it's starting to get on my nerves.

On the other hand, when we don't talk about those things, we really get along great. We like a lot of the same movies, we both like to play video games, we both appreciate spending time outdoors, we have a similar sense of humor, and there's definitely physical attraction and chemistry, even though we've both been careful not to act on it so far.

There are a lot of things about him that are incredibly endearing. The way he talks about his family - how he misses them and wants to be part of their lives. He loves his nephew like a son, and he wants to have children of his own. He's also very kind, generous, and polite. I don't meet a lot of guys my age who have a concept of good manners.

So it's turning out to be much more complicated that I imagined. I think we're both aware of this big glaring problem, and neither of knows what to do about it. We are so similar in so many ways, yet so very different in others. How do we reconcile that? Is it possible to be together and be happy, without driving each other crazy with our opposite values?

Then there's the part where he's planning to move back east to be closer to his family. His goal is to move by next May, before his nephew's 10th birthday, although he hasn't taken any steps to actually do it. He said the only way he would stay in Oregon is if he met his soulmate and she needed to stay here.

I think I'm screwed either way. On the extremely off chance that he considers me to be his soulmate, there's no way in hell I can let him stay in Oregon just because of me. He needs to be near his family. On the more likely chance that we are not meant to be together in the long term, then I have to be very, very careful not to become too attached to him, or I'm going to be heartbroken when he leaves.

Thank nature he's aware of this too and shares the same worries. At least we don't have the problem of one of us pushing for more than the other person is ready for. We both know we need to be careful and take things very slowly.

But that also means the hesitancy continues, maybe indefinitely, or until one of us cracks and either says "all in" or "no more". It'll be interesting to see how this goes.

All I know is, sleeping with him - actually sleeping and being physically close without any expectation of sex - is so very comfortable. He puts his arms around me in just the right way. He makes me feel warm and safe and cared for. I love it. A part of me wishes I could have it every night, but I know I can't and that makes me sad. I can see him having the same dilemma.

I guess I should just continue on this path of letting things happen however they need to without having expectations one way or another. It's not the easiest thing in the world, but I don't know what else to do.



p.s. I've given up on a nickname. He will be called the pharmacist on this blog, but IRL I will always use his real name.

Sidetracked

I left the building and went around back, towards my car, parked a few blocks away. A gust of wind gave me a sudden chill. I stuffed my hands in my pockets and quickened my pace, gazing intently at the ground. Street lights reflected gently on wet pavement. My feet were already sore from standing, and now the cold hard ground beneath my thin soles was exacerbating the pain. Ignore it, I thought to myself. You'll be home soon enough.

Ahead, I heard the quiet chatter of young girls. I looked up to see an entire mob of them, huddled around the back door of the building. They were spilling into the street. I would have to push through them if I wanted to get to my car.

As I began to squeeze myself in between them, a huge bus rolled up, flashing its lights to signal the girls to move out of the way. It parked along the curb, condensing the girls onto the sidewalk, making my journey more difficult. The engine was running loudly. The girls elevated the volume of their chatter to compensate. I was annoyed. I just wanted to go home.

I had almost made my way to the far edge of the mob when the girls started screaming frantically. I turned around to see what the fuss was about. The back door of the building had opened up. Dim light poured out into the darkness. Two large men in black t-shirts emerged from the building and began directing the girls to step aside and make a path. Then I saw you.

You rushed out of the building, through the mob, and up the steps of the bus. One of the girls yelled out to you. You stopped, midway up the steps, and turned to face her. The girls' voices grew quiet, waiting for your answer. I wondered what she had asked - I couldn't hear anything amid the yelling.

"I don't know," you said. "Why don't you ask my stalker?" You looked directly at me with a childish smirk on your face.

The girls' eyes widened as they looked at me, and I suddenly felt very exposed and embarrassed. Why in the hell would you point me out like that? I folded my arms and glared at you angrily.

"Sorry," I responded with irritated sarcasm, "this stalker is going home now."

Some of the girls looked confused. Your expression became serious, and you stepped down off the bus and approached me.

"I'm sorry," you said quietly.

I eased my stiff posture. "Why did you do that?" I demanded.

"I don't know..." Your voice trailed off, your head sagged, and your eyes looked at the ground.

"Come here," I said, wrapping my arms around you. You squeezed me tightly, and the chill of the cold night left my body. "I've missed you."

"I've missed you too."

"When are you coming back?" I asked.

"I don't know. You'll probably know before I do."

"Then I guess I'll just keep stalking you until I find out."

We both laughed as you loosened your embrace and stood back. Your eyes twinkled in the darkness. "You should call me," you said.

"I would if I had your fucking phone number!"

You smiled. "I'll give it to you." You took a crumpled piece of paper out of your pocket and began writing on it. "If I don't answer, leave a message with your phone number."

Still smiling, I rolled my eyes. "Why? So you can never call me back?"

"I will call you. I promise."

I smirked. You handed me the piece of paper and I stuffed it deep into my pocket. "Whatever. I'll believe it when I see it." I looked at the ground, thinking to myself, that piece of paper is going to end up in the washing machine with these jeans.

I looked up again. You were grinning at me. "What?"

Suddenly, you grabbed me in a bear hug with both arms, lifted my feet off the ground, and spun me around and around. I shut my eyes and laughed out loud. You put me down and grinned again. "Oh god," I said. "Those girls have cameras. I hope this doesn't end up on the internet."

"I hope it does!" you said with a smile, grabbing me a second time and spinning me around even faster than before. I couldn't contain my laughter and I couldn't close my eyes. The street lights left lingering swirls in my vision.

You put me down and we both breathed heavily for a moment. "I have to go," you said.

"I know. I need to go too."

"Call me."

I let out a heavy sigh. "Ok," I said half-heartedly, smirking again.

"I mean it!" You walked back up the steps of the bus, and the doors whooshed closed behind you.

The bus's engine revved up and it pulled away. I suddenly became aware that all the girls were staring at me. I could hear them chattering again, asking questions.

"Oh crap," I said under my breath. I quickly turned and started walking away, disoriented. "Where the hell is my car?"

Two girls followed me anxiously.

"What's your name?"

"Do you know him?"

"No," I said, "I really don't." And I meant it.

Leaving the two puzzled girls behind, I tucked my hands into my pockets and found the crumpled piece of paper with my fingers. My body felt cold again. My feet hurt. I was tired. I was relieved to finally see my car parked down the street.

When I got home, I threw my jeans straight into the wash, phone number and all. Any further communication will have to wait until the next chance encounter.

If there is one.