The boy has been gone for just over a week now, and I miss him terribly. We get to talk to each other in some form or another every single day. I realize how lucky I am for that. Even from a distance, he still cheers me up when I'm having a bad day, and makes me feel better when I'm sick. I am so thankful.
I keep thinking about what it's going to be like when he's gone for a whole year. It's going to be so difficult. We won't be able to talk every day. I'm not even sure what type of communication he will be allowed. I won't know where he is or what he's doing for days, weeks, maybe even months at a time. He could be sitting on his ass with nothing to do, or he could be in the middle of combat, in life threatening danger. I won't know either way.
Not knowing really bothers me.
See right now, even though I miss him and I wish he was here, I can still sleep soundly at night because I know he's safe and I know he'll be home soon.
I may have a lot of sleepless nights after he goes to Iraq.
I've been trying hard not to think about it, but I find that when I disengage myself from that line of thought, my emotional defenses kick in, and I actually disengage myself from him entirely. I become all detached about everything. It's weird. Maybe this is the same thing I did to myself when he first came back from training? Is it possible that I've grown so accustomed to protecting myself from people who might hurt me that I've actually learned to fall back on this defense mechanism preemptively in all situations that freak me out, or even ones that I just don't understand?
Man... my brain's a little fucked up.
One thing I'm learning about myself is that in order to feel the good happy emotions, I also need to feel the negative ones too. I need to feel scared and upset and angry. If I try to avoid those feelings, I end up shutting everything else down too. I don't want to avoid my fear and frustration if it means I can't feel love or joy. I have to accept the bad, the good, and everything in between. It's a whole package.
So here's me admitting to myself that, yeah, it fucking freaks me out. I want to hide and cry and pray to the universe for everything to turn out alright. I want to scream and swear and damn our arrogant government for getting us into this mess.
Why?
Because he brings so much love, peace and hope into my life, and I'm so damn grateful for every minute that we're together. I need to feel that. I need to appreciate it for what it's worth, because it means everything to me. And if I need to be freaked out in order for that to happen, then so be it.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Frosty
The only productive thing I did at work today.
You can't really see it in this photo, but he's got icicle horns, an icicle nose, and spindly tree branches for arms. His eyes and buttons are grapes.
:)
You can't really see it in this photo, but he's got icicle horns, an icicle nose, and spindly tree branches for arms. His eyes and buttons are grapes.
:)
Monday, December 22, 2008
Lonely And Trapped
How do Mondays always find me, even when I'm not at work?
I had some really bad dreams this morning, all centered around being alone, feeling abandoned, feeling stuck in a situation I couldn't get out of. After the first one, I woke up, looked at the empty pillow next to me where the boy used to sleep, and cried my eyes out for a good 20 minutes. I even started thinking about what it's going to be like when he goes on active duty for a year, and that made me cry harder.
When I finally got back to sleep, it was more of the same. Grandparents dying, people leaving and going their separate ways, even stuff from way back in my childhood like my mom leaving me alone to go to work full time, and in my dream, me being too small and helpless to make my own way.
I woke at about 10:00am to a text message from the boy. He'd heard that we got more snow. I hadn't even looked out the window yet.
I pulled myself up, still groggy and confused from my dreams, and literally had to shield my eyes from the glaring whiteness outside. More fucking snow. A lot more.
Then the boy called me, and we talked for a few minutes. It was so good to hear his voice. Although he is very bored where he is, and I'm bored here... makes me think we should be bored together in the same place. But we can't be.
When I hung up the phone, I cried again. Fucked up dreams, missing my partner, more snow and ice on the ground, and tomorrow I have to find a way to get to work in this.
I think being couped up alone is really starting to get to me. Today I'm going to attempt to walk out of here. I don't know where I'm gonna go - maybe just down the street to see what the roads look like beyond my hill. If I'm really brave, maybe I'll make it all the way to Wendy's. We'll see.
I just can't sit here any longer. Enough is enough already.
-----
EDIT:
I made it to Wendy's, ate some hot chili and a baked potato, and witnessed the chaos on the roads. It's been snowing lightly all day, and the plants on my patio look very sad. But at least I got out for a little bit. I feel much better. :)
I had some really bad dreams this morning, all centered around being alone, feeling abandoned, feeling stuck in a situation I couldn't get out of. After the first one, I woke up, looked at the empty pillow next to me where the boy used to sleep, and cried my eyes out for a good 20 minutes. I even started thinking about what it's going to be like when he goes on active duty for a year, and that made me cry harder.
When I finally got back to sleep, it was more of the same. Grandparents dying, people leaving and going their separate ways, even stuff from way back in my childhood like my mom leaving me alone to go to work full time, and in my dream, me being too small and helpless to make my own way.
I woke at about 10:00am to a text message from the boy. He'd heard that we got more snow. I hadn't even looked out the window yet.
I pulled myself up, still groggy and confused from my dreams, and literally had to shield my eyes from the glaring whiteness outside. More fucking snow. A lot more.
Then the boy called me, and we talked for a few minutes. It was so good to hear his voice. Although he is very bored where he is, and I'm bored here... makes me think we should be bored together in the same place. But we can't be.
When I hung up the phone, I cried again. Fucked up dreams, missing my partner, more snow and ice on the ground, and tomorrow I have to find a way to get to work in this.
I think being couped up alone is really starting to get to me. Today I'm going to attempt to walk out of here. I don't know where I'm gonna go - maybe just down the street to see what the roads look like beyond my hill. If I'm really brave, maybe I'll make it all the way to Wendy's. We'll see.
I just can't sit here any longer. Enough is enough already.
-----
EDIT:
I made it to Wendy's, ate some hot chili and a baked potato, and witnessed the chaos on the roads. It's been snowing lightly all day, and the plants on my patio look very sad. But at least I got out for a little bit. I feel much better. :)
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Bored
I don't get bored very often. I can always find something to do, even if it's mundane. But today...
Maybe it's the fact that I can't get out of my apartment complex to go anywhere because of the ice on the roads.
Maybe it's the fact that I've seen all my movies too many times.
Maybe it's the fact that this is the shortest day of the year, and it seems like it was just dark outside, and now it's dark again.
Maybe it's the fact that the boy is gone and I really, really miss him, and text messages just aren't cutting it.
I've been stuck inside by myself for two whole days, and by the looks of the weather forecast, I'll be stuck for at least one more. I'm tired of laying on the couch, I'm tired of surfing the web, I'm tired of being lonely and missing my boy.
Can you say cabin fever?
Bored, bored, bored.
At least I still have electricity...
... for now.
Maybe it's the fact that I can't get out of my apartment complex to go anywhere because of the ice on the roads.
Maybe it's the fact that I've seen all my movies too many times.
Maybe it's the fact that this is the shortest day of the year, and it seems like it was just dark outside, and now it's dark again.
Maybe it's the fact that the boy is gone and I really, really miss him, and text messages just aren't cutting it.
I've been stuck inside by myself for two whole days, and by the looks of the weather forecast, I'll be stuck for at least one more. I'm tired of laying on the couch, I'm tired of surfing the web, I'm tired of being lonely and missing my boy.
Can you say cabin fever?
Bored, bored, bored.
At least I still have electricity...
... for now.
Friday, December 19, 2008
Squealing Girl Alert!
Last night, the boy says "I was in the mall this afternoon, and I was thinking about you. I got you something."
I'm thinking like... he got me a movie or a game, or something else small and goofy.
"What did you get me, what did you get me???"
He hands me a little black box.
"Dude."
(My brain: "Holy shit! Seriously?")
I open the box...
He bought me a promise ring!
It's beautiful too, it's silver, with my birthstone and two small diamonds, one for him and one for me. He did an amazingly good job of picking something out that's totally "me". It's perfect and I love it.
The funny thing is, he was probing me for information all week long, trying to find out what stones I like, what size my fingers are, etc., yet I totally did not put two and two together. I mean, shit -- I've never been with a guy who would even think about doing something like this, so the idea that it could actually happen really hadn't entered my mind.
But that's why I love him. He keeps surprising me just by being who he is -- kind and caring and absolutely amazing. He is so good to me.
Is it crazy that this is happening so fast? When I stop to think about it, it really sort of blows my mind. But it doesn't feel fast at all. It feels exactly right. It's everything I've wanted and felt was missing from my life for the last 10 years.
I love him.
I can't wear the ring until I get it sized. I have scrawny little fingers and I don't know what size they are, so the jeweler recommended I come in myself so they can measure me.
I didn't tell anybody about it all day long, until I finally popped to one of my coworkers because we happened to be talking about relationship milestones. My plan is to just start wearing it and not talk about it. (I think I had too much fun watching people's reactions at the Christmas party - it's so fun to see the surprised looks on their faces.) Although once I have it on my finger, I might not be able to contain myself. I might have to walk around the office and show everybody. We'll see. ^_~
I've been smiling constantly since last night, even though the boy just left town for two weeks to visit his family. I'm going to miss him so much, especially since I won't be be able to visit my own family like I had planned because the road conditions are so terrible. I'll be spending this weekend home alone, probably being a nerd in front of the computer... unless by some chance the roads are clear enough for me to join my friends in Portland for a trip to Mt. Hood.
Anyway... Here's to a good weekend and happy holidays for all!
[girly grins from Andrea]
:D :D :D
I'm thinking like... he got me a movie or a game, or something else small and goofy.
"What did you get me, what did you get me???"
He hands me a little black box.
"Dude."
(My brain: "Holy shit! Seriously?")
I open the box...
He bought me a promise ring!
It's beautiful too, it's silver, with my birthstone and two small diamonds, one for him and one for me. He did an amazingly good job of picking something out that's totally "me". It's perfect and I love it.
The funny thing is, he was probing me for information all week long, trying to find out what stones I like, what size my fingers are, etc., yet I totally did not put two and two together. I mean, shit -- I've never been with a guy who would even think about doing something like this, so the idea that it could actually happen really hadn't entered my mind.
But that's why I love him. He keeps surprising me just by being who he is -- kind and caring and absolutely amazing. He is so good to me.
Is it crazy that this is happening so fast? When I stop to think about it, it really sort of blows my mind. But it doesn't feel fast at all. It feels exactly right. It's everything I've wanted and felt was missing from my life for the last 10 years.
I love him.
I can't wear the ring until I get it sized. I have scrawny little fingers and I don't know what size they are, so the jeweler recommended I come in myself so they can measure me.
I didn't tell anybody about it all day long, until I finally popped to one of my coworkers because we happened to be talking about relationship milestones. My plan is to just start wearing it and not talk about it. (I think I had too much fun watching people's reactions at the Christmas party - it's so fun to see the surprised looks on their faces.) Although once I have it on my finger, I might not be able to contain myself. I might have to walk around the office and show everybody. We'll see. ^_~
I've been smiling constantly since last night, even though the boy just left town for two weeks to visit his family. I'm going to miss him so much, especially since I won't be be able to visit my own family like I had planned because the road conditions are so terrible. I'll be spending this weekend home alone, probably being a nerd in front of the computer... unless by some chance the roads are clear enough for me to join my friends in Portland for a trip to Mt. Hood.
Anyway... Here's to a good weekend and happy holidays for all!
[girly grins from Andrea]
:D :D :D
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Truly
Last night I was sitting on the couch with the boy. We were both in a blah mood, just sitting there, not knowing what to do with our evening. Out of the blue, he started rubbing my feet. It felt so warm and relaxing. I was trying to think of the last time someone rubbed my feet. I can't remember. I think the last time it was him, before he left for training. And before that? I have no idea.
In the middle of that thought, I realized I had disengaged emotionally. All of a sudden, I felt very detached from the situation. I don't know for sure what caused it, but I'm guessing it was me trying to think back to previous boyfriends. That often makes me shut down.
Then I began analyzing...
What's wrong with me? Why can't I enjoy a moment without trying to relate it to the past somehow? Without shutting down?
All I've ever wanted, my whole adult life, is a partner and companion who would accept me for who I am, and love me and care for me unconditionally. Someone I can work with. Someone I can build a life with. After all my failed relationships, after all my searching, I find him sitting here, right in front of me, unexpectedly, and I haven't had to work for this at all - it's so easy! It just works, like it was meant to be.
He's sitting here, and he's rubbing my feet, and he's looking right at me with more warmth and love than I've ever seen in a man's eyes before...
And then I was back in the present, fully absorbed in him, melting.
But my analysis wasn't quite over yet...
How on earth can this be so easy? I've never been with someone who treated me this way, who loved me just for being me, who showed me in so many ways that I'm cared for. What did I do to deserve this?
... What if I don't deserve this?
Then I asked him, "Why are you so good to me? What did I do to deserve this?"
"Why do you have to do something to deserve it?" he said, still looking into my eyes. "You're smart. You're beautiful. You're a good person. You deserve it. You deserve everything."
I melted all over again. I just smiled and shook my head, still in a bit of disbelief that this was actually happening and I wasn't dreaming or hallucinating. "I'm so lucky," I said.
He smiled at me. "I'm lucky," he said.
Then he asked me to turn over, and he gave me a full back massage. I completely relaxed, lost in his strong but gentle touch.
He loves me.
And I am so in love with him.
In the middle of that thought, I realized I had disengaged emotionally. All of a sudden, I felt very detached from the situation. I don't know for sure what caused it, but I'm guessing it was me trying to think back to previous boyfriends. That often makes me shut down.
Then I began analyzing...
What's wrong with me? Why can't I enjoy a moment without trying to relate it to the past somehow? Without shutting down?
All I've ever wanted, my whole adult life, is a partner and companion who would accept me for who I am, and love me and care for me unconditionally. Someone I can work with. Someone I can build a life with. After all my failed relationships, after all my searching, I find him sitting here, right in front of me, unexpectedly, and I haven't had to work for this at all - it's so easy! It just works, like it was meant to be.
He's sitting here, and he's rubbing my feet, and he's looking right at me with more warmth and love than I've ever seen in a man's eyes before...
And then I was back in the present, fully absorbed in him, melting.
But my analysis wasn't quite over yet...
How on earth can this be so easy? I've never been with someone who treated me this way, who loved me just for being me, who showed me in so many ways that I'm cared for. What did I do to deserve this?
... What if I don't deserve this?
Then I asked him, "Why are you so good to me? What did I do to deserve this?"
"Why do you have to do something to deserve it?" he said, still looking into my eyes. "You're smart. You're beautiful. You're a good person. You deserve it. You deserve everything."
I melted all over again. I just smiled and shook my head, still in a bit of disbelief that this was actually happening and I wasn't dreaming or hallucinating. "I'm so lucky," I said.
He smiled at me. "I'm lucky," he said.
Then he asked me to turn over, and he gave me a full back massage. I completely relaxed, lost in his strong but gentle touch.
He loves me.
And I am so in love with him.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Christmas Party #2
I've been meaning to write about the last Christmas party, but I just haven't had much time. The weather's been crazy, I've been out and about, spending most of my free time with the boy, and I haven't had much time for anything else. Not that there's anything wrong with that -- I quite enjoy spending most of my free time with the boy. :)
I only worked a half day on Friday 12/12. I spent the whole afternoon getting my hair, nails, and makeup done. I've never in my life been this girly, but it sure was fun!
People never recognize me at our company Christmas parties because they're used to seeing me with my glasses on, in jeans and a hoodie with my hair down and no makeup. The people we rode in the elevator with had no idea who I was. I had an awkward conversation with the woman who works at our front desk as she tried to figure out which department I belong to. She even got kind of snappy with me because I didn't understand what she was asking, and she had to repeat herself before I realized she didn't recognize me and told her my name. Then she was all apologetic.
The party was on Friday, and today's Wednesday, and I'm still getting comments from people at work about how they didn't recognize me, or they talked to someone else who didn't recognize me. Even my boss today told me I was turning some heads. Usually I get uncomfortable when I'm the center of attention - I much prefer to sneak around and observe from the shadows. But I have to admit, it was fun to get all dressed up and then watch people's reactions.
The party itself was really fun. Everything was planned and scheduled, which is typical of my company's events. Dinner was at 6:30pm, followed with entertainment by a stand-up comedian, then live music and dancing. There were table games and photography in separate rooms adjoining the ballroom. The bar was open all night.
The boy was nervous about meeting my coworkers, but he said he liked everyone I introduced him to, and they all said they liked him too.
I had really wanted to drink and dance, but I'd been fighting a cold since Thursday and wasn't feeling very well. I took pills all day long, but they were starting to wear off by about half way through the party and I started getting tired. I still talked to a lot of people, took goofy photos, and played cards, but I wish I'd had more energy to dance and be more lively.
Anyway, it was a good night, and I'm glad I took the boy with me. I've got a few photos to share...
I love him. :)
I only worked a half day on Friday 12/12. I spent the whole afternoon getting my hair, nails, and makeup done. I've never in my life been this girly, but it sure was fun!
People never recognize me at our company Christmas parties because they're used to seeing me with my glasses on, in jeans and a hoodie with my hair down and no makeup. The people we rode in the elevator with had no idea who I was. I had an awkward conversation with the woman who works at our front desk as she tried to figure out which department I belong to. She even got kind of snappy with me because I didn't understand what she was asking, and she had to repeat herself before I realized she didn't recognize me and told her my name. Then she was all apologetic.
The party was on Friday, and today's Wednesday, and I'm still getting comments from people at work about how they didn't recognize me, or they talked to someone else who didn't recognize me. Even my boss today told me I was turning some heads. Usually I get uncomfortable when I'm the center of attention - I much prefer to sneak around and observe from the shadows. But I have to admit, it was fun to get all dressed up and then watch people's reactions.
The party itself was really fun. Everything was planned and scheduled, which is typical of my company's events. Dinner was at 6:30pm, followed with entertainment by a stand-up comedian, then live music and dancing. There were table games and photography in separate rooms adjoining the ballroom. The bar was open all night.
The boy was nervous about meeting my coworkers, but he said he liked everyone I introduced him to, and they all said they liked him too.
I had really wanted to drink and dance, but I'd been fighting a cold since Thursday and wasn't feeling very well. I took pills all day long, but they were starting to wear off by about half way through the party and I started getting tired. I still talked to a lot of people, took goofy photos, and played cards, but I wish I'd had more energy to dance and be more lively.
Anyway, it was a good night, and I'm glad I took the boy with me. I've got a few photos to share...
I love him. :)
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
In Spite Of Me
For a long time my motto has been "hope for the best, expect the worst." I go into situations with both optimism and caution.
This has the potential to go really well, and I want to do everything I can to make sure it does.... but I should still guard myself, just in case.
Where relationships are concerned, I'm usually involved with someone who is less optimistic than I am. I always manage to hook up with the guy who just got out of a serious relationship, or the guy who freaks out at the thought of any type of commitment. Someone who is cynical. Someone who refuses to look farther than two weeks down the road. Someone who would have reservations about any new relationship, whether it's with me or someone else.
I always see the signs, yet I still go into the relationship with the intention of looking for common ground. I'm willing to compromise to make it work, even to the point of making excuses for that person. I analyze the situation to death and I worry constantly about all the negatives, but even still, I hold on to the positives for dear life, recognizing red flags but ignoring them, thinking I can overcome them. It's a puzzle I need to solve. I persevere until the guy bails out or I'm too exhausted to continue, whichever comes first.
All the while, a part of myself remains tucked away and protected. I reach out with one hand while I keep the other hand hidden behind my back. For all my willingness to compromise, I still barricade myself in the corner to avoid getting hurt, and I'll even sabotage a potentially good situation just by closing myself off.
It often amazes me how I am able to extend myself so far in order to conquer a challenge while simultaneously pulling myself inward to remain safe and untouchable. It's a fine line, and it's a fucked up way of living, but I've come to rely on it.
Now, I've met someone who is not cynical, who is not afraid to look down the road, who is not freaked out at the thought of commitment. He thinks about me as much I as think about him. He wants to spend as much time with me as I want to spend with him. I keep looking for red flags, but there aren't any!
I keep thinking eventually I'm going to get exhausted, or there will be a compromise too big, or one of us will just get sick of hanging out and want to bail. But I can't get exhausted because the relationship gives me energy instead of taking it away. And there can't be a compromise too big because I haven't really had to make any compromises in the first place -- he and I are already in the same place, wanting the same things. And neither one of us has ever come close to being sick of hanging out -- we both look forward to seeing each other every day.
I'm not used to this, and in some ways I don't know how to deal with it. I can't operate by my usual methods. There's no need to overextend myself, and he won't let me hide. So I'm right here, out in the open, just being me. It freaks me out a little bit.
Do I have any good logical reason for being freaked out?
No, not really. He accepts me and cares for me just the way I am.
Nevertheless, it's hard not to fall back on old habits. I don't want to guard myself around him, he gives me no reason to, but it still happens from time to time, just out of routine.
I am trying. I am learning not to second guess this. And he's helping me quite a bit, just by being around, and being who he is.
He is not letting me go, and I don't want to let him go either. In fact, I'm pretty sure I could wake up next to him every morning for the rest of my life and be perfectly happy. Being with him is like being home. There is no one I would rather spend my time with.
I am falling in love with him.
I might already be there. "Those three words" have been on the tip of my tongue for the last week and a half. Why can't I get them out?
I don't know... maybe I want it to be the right time. Maybe I don't want to rush it. Maybe I want to make sure it's real. Or maybe I'm just making excuses for myself because once again, I'm habitually guarded. Maybe I'm afraid to fuck this up somehow.
But with each day that goes by, I come closer to the realization that I can't fuck this up. I think it might actually be impossible! He has accepted and embraced everything I've put in front of him, including this blog. So I am trying to just let it be.
In spite of me and my old fucked up habits, I have this amazing person in my life who sees me for who I am and honestly wants to spend time with me. He sings and dances and laughs and makes the silliest voices and facial expressions that always make me giggle. And he's got me convinced that he's not going anywhere anytime soon.
So I guess I need a new motto.
This has the potential to go really well, and I want to do everything I can to make sure it does.... but I should still guard myself, just in case.
Where relationships are concerned, I'm usually involved with someone who is less optimistic than I am. I always manage to hook up with the guy who just got out of a serious relationship, or the guy who freaks out at the thought of any type of commitment. Someone who is cynical. Someone who refuses to look farther than two weeks down the road. Someone who would have reservations about any new relationship, whether it's with me or someone else.
I always see the signs, yet I still go into the relationship with the intention of looking for common ground. I'm willing to compromise to make it work, even to the point of making excuses for that person. I analyze the situation to death and I worry constantly about all the negatives, but even still, I hold on to the positives for dear life, recognizing red flags but ignoring them, thinking I can overcome them. It's a puzzle I need to solve. I persevere until the guy bails out or I'm too exhausted to continue, whichever comes first.
All the while, a part of myself remains tucked away and protected. I reach out with one hand while I keep the other hand hidden behind my back. For all my willingness to compromise, I still barricade myself in the corner to avoid getting hurt, and I'll even sabotage a potentially good situation just by closing myself off.
It often amazes me how I am able to extend myself so far in order to conquer a challenge while simultaneously pulling myself inward to remain safe and untouchable. It's a fine line, and it's a fucked up way of living, but I've come to rely on it.
Now, I've met someone who is not cynical, who is not afraid to look down the road, who is not freaked out at the thought of commitment. He thinks about me as much I as think about him. He wants to spend as much time with me as I want to spend with him. I keep looking for red flags, but there aren't any!
I keep thinking eventually I'm going to get exhausted, or there will be a compromise too big, or one of us will just get sick of hanging out and want to bail. But I can't get exhausted because the relationship gives me energy instead of taking it away. And there can't be a compromise too big because I haven't really had to make any compromises in the first place -- he and I are already in the same place, wanting the same things. And neither one of us has ever come close to being sick of hanging out -- we both look forward to seeing each other every day.
I'm not used to this, and in some ways I don't know how to deal with it. I can't operate by my usual methods. There's no need to overextend myself, and he won't let me hide. So I'm right here, out in the open, just being me. It freaks me out a little bit.
Do I have any good logical reason for being freaked out?
No, not really. He accepts me and cares for me just the way I am.
Nevertheless, it's hard not to fall back on old habits. I don't want to guard myself around him, he gives me no reason to, but it still happens from time to time, just out of routine.
I am trying. I am learning not to second guess this. And he's helping me quite a bit, just by being around, and being who he is.
He is not letting me go, and I don't want to let him go either. In fact, I'm pretty sure I could wake up next to him every morning for the rest of my life and be perfectly happy. Being with him is like being home. There is no one I would rather spend my time with.
I am falling in love with him.
I might already be there. "Those three words" have been on the tip of my tongue for the last week and a half. Why can't I get them out?
I don't know... maybe I want it to be the right time. Maybe I don't want to rush it. Maybe I want to make sure it's real. Or maybe I'm just making excuses for myself because once again, I'm habitually guarded. Maybe I'm afraid to fuck this up somehow.
But with each day that goes by, I come closer to the realization that I can't fuck this up. I think it might actually be impossible! He has accepted and embraced everything I've put in front of him, including this blog. So I am trying to just let it be.
In spite of me and my old fucked up habits, I have this amazing person in my life who sees me for who I am and honestly wants to spend time with me. He sings and dances and laughs and makes the silliest voices and facial expressions that always make me giggle. And he's got me convinced that he's not going anywhere anytime soon.
So I guess I need a new motto.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Christmas Party #1
First, I must say that I'm having the best morning ever.
Seriously, people.
Best.
Morning.
Ever.
I love that boy.
Now for some updates...
Thursday 12/4
I had a horrible headache all day and ended up leaving work early to go home and lay down. The boy was so sweet. He came over and laid down next to me, put one arm around me, and softly stroked my head. It was very comforting.
The pills I took for my headache had caffeine in them so I didn't get to sleep. After the boy left, I made some food and laid on the couch. At about 6pm there was a knock on my door.
My dress had arrived via UPS, and not a moment too soon. Party is on Saturday, and I've waited until now to buy shoes, bra, and make-up -- cutting it just a little too close!
(Here's my dress...)
I still had a headache, but some things are more important than nursing one's pain. I immediately took the dress to the drugstore to pick out some complimentary make-up, then to Victoria's Secret to find a suitable bra. I took so much time trying on bras with the dress that I ran out of time to look at shoes.
Friday 12/5
Still had a headache. I got up early and called the chiropractor. Managed to get an appointment at 8:30am. After that, I took the dress to the dry cleaner to get steamed, since it came all wrinkly from being stuffed in a box during shipping. I did all that and still made it to work on time.
We had a slush fund lunch that day -- free food, courtesy of my department. I went out with my coworkers and ordered a sirloin steak and baked potato. It was so tasty good, and free. :)
I got peer pressured into ordering a beer with my lunch. ("Come on, everybody's doing it!") When it was time to go, my boss stalled because my beer wasn't empty yet. They wouldn't leave until I finished it! So I downed the last 1/3 of it all at once, and left the restaurant to pick up my dress.
My afternoon was shot. I came back from lunch drunk, still with a headache, which was worse now because I had beer when I should've been drinking water. I did next to nothing for the rest of the day and left work earlier than I should have. I went over to the boy's house, crawled into his bed, snuggled up and went to sleep early.
Saturday 12/6
The boy left at 4am to go to drill. He woke me to say goodbye, and when I opened my bleary eyes in the glaring light, I blinked in the realization that this was the first time I'd ever seen him in uniform. He kissed me and turned off the light, and I curled up and buried my face under the blanket, much colder without him.
At 8am, I dragged myself out of bed, scraped the frost off my windshield, drove home, showered, then met my friend at the mall. She had her boyfriend's six-year-old daughter in tow, a very cute and smart girl who looks just like her dad.
Our mission: Shoe Shopping.
They were slow and I was indecisive. My time was running out. Macy's was having a One Day Sale, and it was chaos. I spotted some simple yet amazing black 4-inch heels, but had trouble finding a salesperson who could get them in my size. Finally I tried them on, and they were sexy perfection.
Next I had a hair appointment. I got a haircut -- with bangs for the first time in several years, and the stylist gave me a curled and coiffed up-do that made me look like I was ready for senior prom. Um... anyone seen my tiara?
I got home just after 3pm. The boy was scheduled to pick me up at 4:30pm, so I had just over an hour to get ready.
When I looked in the mirror, I felt a little ridiculous. Granted, I was wearing jeans and a hoodie with my big pinned-up hair, but still... it just didn't look or feel like me.
Then I put on the dress.
One form-fitting cherry red dress, plus one pair of sexy black shoes, plus one now-amazing hair style. Oh yes. This is going to work out just fine.
I threw on some make-up, put on my new dangly earrings, switched purses, did the last minute checking and straightening of dress, bra and nylons, and then... waited.
The boy was late picking me up, he had been stuck in traffic. I felt so bad for him. The drive takes more than an hour even without traffic, and he had already been up there once for drill. He came all the way back to Salem just to get me, only to turn around and go right back again for the party.
When I opened the door to let him in, he just stared at me. And he kept staring at me during our entire drive to the party. He kept telling me how beautiful I looked. He made me blush repeatedly. He's so sweet.
We arrived almost an hour late, and we were worried that the boy might be in trouble. But nobody seemed to notice, and he didn't get yelled at the next day, so I guess it was all good.
I had been worried about being over dressed with my sexy dress and big hair, but thankfully I was not. Most of the women were wearing nice dresses and had their hair done up. Most of the guys, of course, were in uniform, which was really quite stunning. I had never been in a room with so many military dudes, and I've gotta say... uniforms are hot! The boy and I had a discussion about this. He hates his uniform. I keep trying to convince him that he looks amazing in it, but he doesn't agree. In my opinion, anyone who's in reasonably good shape to begin with will only look hotter in a uniform. It accentuates the male figure and brings out those broad shoulders that I love on a man. I think the boy looks awesome all dressed up. But I think he looks awesome anyway, so...? ^_~
The party had surprisingly good food and lots of beer. I met some of the guys the boy will be working with. They seem... I don't know... like typical army guys? Whatever that means. They're National Guard, so this was their one weekend a month of work. Most of them put their names in a raffle to get Sunday off, and most of them won. The boy wasn't allowed to enter his name because he's too new.
There were some table games, and I played a little blackjack, but it was lame -- the dealer had no clue what was going on. There was also Texas Hold'em (but you had to reserve a spot ahead of time), Bingo, karaoke (one dude sang Ice Ice Baby -- it was hilarious), and a giant wheel to spin for prizes. Mostly we just sat and talked and watched people, which was pretty interesting.
Overall, I think the army throws a decent party. It was much less awkward than either the boy or I thought it would be, although we definitely would've had more fun if we'd known more people. I had fun just being there with him. We took the back roads home, and he held my hand the whole way.
I changed out of my dress and took my hair down -- I pulled 45 bobby pins out of my head! My hair was so nasty from all the hair spray, but I was too lazy to wash it that night. I went to the boy's house with pajamas, nasty hair, and a face full of smudged make-up. He still loved me anyway. :)
Sunday 12/7
The boy woke up early again for another day of drill. He left at 6am. I slept in and had a leisurely morning. Woke up around 9:30, laid in bed for at least an hour, and finally got up, went home, and washed my stiff, over-styled hair. I did some laundry, went to a movie (Quantum of Solace -- not the greatest film, but Daniel Craig is still amazing), then came home and relaxed. The boy came to visit on his way home from work and I was so happy to see him.
We went out to dinner at one of my very favorite restaurants and had a really good conversation. He's a good listener, he puts real effort into learning about me. I learned some things about him too. It was really nice just to sit and talk. I enjoy his company so much.
He stayed with me Sunday night, and then Monday morning... well...
Best.
Morning.
Ever.
But I think we covered that already. :)
Christmas Party #2, hosted by my company, will happen this Friday. I'm taking the boy as my date. Should be a fun time.
Seriously, people.
Best.
Morning.
Ever.
I love that boy.
Now for some updates...
Thursday 12/4
I had a horrible headache all day and ended up leaving work early to go home and lay down. The boy was so sweet. He came over and laid down next to me, put one arm around me, and softly stroked my head. It was very comforting.
The pills I took for my headache had caffeine in them so I didn't get to sleep. After the boy left, I made some food and laid on the couch. At about 6pm there was a knock on my door.
My dress had arrived via UPS, and not a moment too soon. Party is on Saturday, and I've waited until now to buy shoes, bra, and make-up -- cutting it just a little too close!
(Here's my dress...)
 |  |
I still had a headache, but some things are more important than nursing one's pain. I immediately took the dress to the drugstore to pick out some complimentary make-up, then to Victoria's Secret to find a suitable bra. I took so much time trying on bras with the dress that I ran out of time to look at shoes.
Friday 12/5
Still had a headache. I got up early and called the chiropractor. Managed to get an appointment at 8:30am. After that, I took the dress to the dry cleaner to get steamed, since it came all wrinkly from being stuffed in a box during shipping. I did all that and still made it to work on time.
We had a slush fund lunch that day -- free food, courtesy of my department. I went out with my coworkers and ordered a sirloin steak and baked potato. It was so tasty good, and free. :)
I got peer pressured into ordering a beer with my lunch. ("Come on, everybody's doing it!") When it was time to go, my boss stalled because my beer wasn't empty yet. They wouldn't leave until I finished it! So I downed the last 1/3 of it all at once, and left the restaurant to pick up my dress.
My afternoon was shot. I came back from lunch drunk, still with a headache, which was worse now because I had beer when I should've been drinking water. I did next to nothing for the rest of the day and left work earlier than I should have. I went over to the boy's house, crawled into his bed, snuggled up and went to sleep early.
Saturday 12/6
The boy left at 4am to go to drill. He woke me to say goodbye, and when I opened my bleary eyes in the glaring light, I blinked in the realization that this was the first time I'd ever seen him in uniform. He kissed me and turned off the light, and I curled up and buried my face under the blanket, much colder without him.
At 8am, I dragged myself out of bed, scraped the frost off my windshield, drove home, showered, then met my friend at the mall. She had her boyfriend's six-year-old daughter in tow, a very cute and smart girl who looks just like her dad.
Our mission: Shoe Shopping.
They were slow and I was indecisive. My time was running out. Macy's was having a One Day Sale, and it was chaos. I spotted some simple yet amazing black 4-inch heels, but had trouble finding a salesperson who could get them in my size. Finally I tried them on, and they were sexy perfection.
Next I had a hair appointment. I got a haircut -- with bangs for the first time in several years, and the stylist gave me a curled and coiffed up-do that made me look like I was ready for senior prom. Um... anyone seen my tiara?
I got home just after 3pm. The boy was scheduled to pick me up at 4:30pm, so I had just over an hour to get ready.
When I looked in the mirror, I felt a little ridiculous. Granted, I was wearing jeans and a hoodie with my big pinned-up hair, but still... it just didn't look or feel like me.
Then I put on the dress.
One form-fitting cherry red dress, plus one pair of sexy black shoes, plus one now-amazing hair style. Oh yes. This is going to work out just fine.
I threw on some make-up, put on my new dangly earrings, switched purses, did the last minute checking and straightening of dress, bra and nylons, and then... waited.
The boy was late picking me up, he had been stuck in traffic. I felt so bad for him. The drive takes more than an hour even without traffic, and he had already been up there once for drill. He came all the way back to Salem just to get me, only to turn around and go right back again for the party.
When I opened the door to let him in, he just stared at me. And he kept staring at me during our entire drive to the party. He kept telling me how beautiful I looked. He made me blush repeatedly. He's so sweet.
We arrived almost an hour late, and we were worried that the boy might be in trouble. But nobody seemed to notice, and he didn't get yelled at the next day, so I guess it was all good.
I had been worried about being over dressed with my sexy dress and big hair, but thankfully I was not. Most of the women were wearing nice dresses and had their hair done up. Most of the guys, of course, were in uniform, which was really quite stunning. I had never been in a room with so many military dudes, and I've gotta say... uniforms are hot! The boy and I had a discussion about this. He hates his uniform. I keep trying to convince him that he looks amazing in it, but he doesn't agree. In my opinion, anyone who's in reasonably good shape to begin with will only look hotter in a uniform. It accentuates the male figure and brings out those broad shoulders that I love on a man. I think the boy looks awesome all dressed up. But I think he looks awesome anyway, so...? ^_~
The party had surprisingly good food and lots of beer. I met some of the guys the boy will be working with. They seem... I don't know... like typical army guys? Whatever that means. They're National Guard, so this was their one weekend a month of work. Most of them put their names in a raffle to get Sunday off, and most of them won. The boy wasn't allowed to enter his name because he's too new.
There were some table games, and I played a little blackjack, but it was lame -- the dealer had no clue what was going on. There was also Texas Hold'em (but you had to reserve a spot ahead of time), Bingo, karaoke (one dude sang Ice Ice Baby -- it was hilarious), and a giant wheel to spin for prizes. Mostly we just sat and talked and watched people, which was pretty interesting.
Overall, I think the army throws a decent party. It was much less awkward than either the boy or I thought it would be, although we definitely would've had more fun if we'd known more people. I had fun just being there with him. We took the back roads home, and he held my hand the whole way.
I changed out of my dress and took my hair down -- I pulled 45 bobby pins out of my head! My hair was so nasty from all the hair spray, but I was too lazy to wash it that night. I went to the boy's house with pajamas, nasty hair, and a face full of smudged make-up. He still loved me anyway. :)
Sunday 12/7
The boy woke up early again for another day of drill. He left at 6am. I slept in and had a leisurely morning. Woke up around 9:30, laid in bed for at least an hour, and finally got up, went home, and washed my stiff, over-styled hair. I did some laundry, went to a movie (Quantum of Solace -- not the greatest film, but Daniel Craig is still amazing), then came home and relaxed. The boy came to visit on his way home from work and I was so happy to see him.
We went out to dinner at one of my very favorite restaurants and had a really good conversation. He's a good listener, he puts real effort into learning about me. I learned some things about him too. It was really nice just to sit and talk. I enjoy his company so much.
He stayed with me Sunday night, and then Monday morning... well...
Best.
Morning.
Ever.
But I think we covered that already. :)
Christmas Party #2, hosted by my company, will happen this Friday. I'm taking the boy as my date. Should be a fun time.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
I Want A New Drug
I have a huge fucking headache today, preventing me from being very productive at work. I took ibuprofen, but it hasn't kicked in yet. Maybe by the time I finish writing this, I might feel better.
The boy wants to read my blog. Should I let him?
Only one person I know in real life has access to this blog, and she and I don't even really talk much anymore. (I miss you, by the way -- you know who you are.) I've kept this place to myself for a reason. I want to be free to write about whatever is on my mind without worrying about how it's going to make people feel. I don't want my coworkers to get angry, or my friends to get hurt. I am honest here, uncensored. And I'm afraid that if someone I know is reading this, and I'm aware of that, I might subconsciously edit myself. I don't want that. I need this place.
On the other hand, it's endearing that the boy wants to get to know me, and of all people, he is one of the few whose presence here wouldn't bother me so much. I want to be open and honest with him, I want him to know what goes on inside my head, although I do have some fears about what he might think... this is a lot for anyone to digest. I write so much, and sometimes even I think I'm crazy when I look back at old posts.
Hmm... I will ponder this decision a while longer.
It's amazingly beautiful outside today -- the sky is bright and clear, and the few trees that still have leaves are colored with gold and crimson. I wish I didn't have to be in the office right now, especially with a headache.
I keep waiting for snow. I bought a season pass to Mt. Hood Meadows again this year, but so far this winter is not off to a good start. The mountain is bare. The only ski run open in the whole state is Palmer Snowfield at Timberline. Palmer is literally a glacier -- it's steep and icy, groomed and re-frozen over and over again. At least once a year in June or July, me and my friends start to jones for skiing, and we contemplate a midsummer trip to Palmer. In the end, we always decide it's not worth the time or money.
Now, we're starting to talk about it again. At this time last year, Meadows was open, and we were there. Two years ago, the river flooded and washed out the road to Meadows in both directions, so we settled for Timberline for a few weeks until the road was repaired. But even then... there were more runs open at Timberline than just Palmer. This year, I don't know... I don't want to drive for 2.5 hours and pay $40 to ski on the glacier, but the longer we go without new snow, the more my resolve is weakened.
Dammit, I want to fucking go skiing!
Anyway... I need to re-evaluate this headache and make a decision to either suck it up and get some work done, or throw in the towel and go home.
Please send me some positive headache-free thoughts!
... and yes... that was a Huey Lewis reference. ;)
The boy wants to read my blog. Should I let him?
Only one person I know in real life has access to this blog, and she and I don't even really talk much anymore. (I miss you, by the way -- you know who you are.) I've kept this place to myself for a reason. I want to be free to write about whatever is on my mind without worrying about how it's going to make people feel. I don't want my coworkers to get angry, or my friends to get hurt. I am honest here, uncensored. And I'm afraid that if someone I know is reading this, and I'm aware of that, I might subconsciously edit myself. I don't want that. I need this place.
On the other hand, it's endearing that the boy wants to get to know me, and of all people, he is one of the few whose presence here wouldn't bother me so much. I want to be open and honest with him, I want him to know what goes on inside my head, although I do have some fears about what he might think... this is a lot for anyone to digest. I write so much, and sometimes even I think I'm crazy when I look back at old posts.
Hmm... I will ponder this decision a while longer.
It's amazingly beautiful outside today -- the sky is bright and clear, and the few trees that still have leaves are colored with gold and crimson. I wish I didn't have to be in the office right now, especially with a headache.
I keep waiting for snow. I bought a season pass to Mt. Hood Meadows again this year, but so far this winter is not off to a good start. The mountain is bare. The only ski run open in the whole state is Palmer Snowfield at Timberline. Palmer is literally a glacier -- it's steep and icy, groomed and re-frozen over and over again. At least once a year in June or July, me and my friends start to jones for skiing, and we contemplate a midsummer trip to Palmer. In the end, we always decide it's not worth the time or money.
Now, we're starting to talk about it again. At this time last year, Meadows was open, and we were there. Two years ago, the river flooded and washed out the road to Meadows in both directions, so we settled for Timberline for a few weeks until the road was repaired. But even then... there were more runs open at Timberline than just Palmer. This year, I don't know... I don't want to drive for 2.5 hours and pay $40 to ski on the glacier, but the longer we go without new snow, the more my resolve is weakened.
Dammit, I want to fucking go skiing!
Anyway... I need to re-evaluate this headache and make a decision to either suck it up and get some work done, or throw in the towel and go home.
Please send me some positive headache-free thoughts!
... and yes... that was a Huey Lewis reference. ;)
Monday, December 1, 2008
Update
I've been taking too long in between blog posts. When I finally have time to sit and write, I don't know where to start. So... I guess this is going to be another brain dump...
Wednesday 11/26:
I got off work early and met up with the boy for a movie. We talked about Thanksgiving dinner at his family's house, my nervousness about it, and the fact that it's rather early for me to be meeting his mother and his family. He agreed that it was early, but said he wouldn't let me spend Thanksgiving alone, so I should quit being nervous and get ready for turkey.
He had other plans after the movie - preparation for the next morning's Turkey Bowl - so he dropped me off at home, and I went to bed. A couple hours later, he texted me. He missed me and wanted to come over. We snuggled up together and went to sleep. :-) :-) :-)
Thursday 11/27 (Thanksgiving):
I was supposed to go watch Turkey Bowl, but I elected to stay home and sleep in. Boy got up early to go play. I lounged around and eventually got my act together in time for dinner. The boy picked me up in the afternoon and we went to his aunt's house.
There weren't as many people as I expected. His two cousins who I'd hung out with before were there, so that made it less awkward, already knowing some people. Dinner was very tasty, and people were nice for the most part. The boy's mother was a little distant, not in a bad way, just... normally when I meet someone's parents, they want to know about me. She didn't ask me any questions, and didn't really engage me in conversation. Come to think of it, the other female relatives were the same way. Maybe that's just how their family is. Or maybe they disprove of their son dating a 31-year-old. Or maybe they figure our relationship won't last, so there's no point in getting to know me. Whatever... clearly, I've thought about this too much, but it really doesn't matter. If I meet them again, then perhaps I'll get to know them better. If not, then no loss.
Everything was really pretty nice, normal, an non-awkward until it came time to take pictures. They were taking family photos in various groupings -- the sisters together, all the guys together, etc. -- and I was sitting back, watching, not feeling left out at all because, well... they're family photos, and I'm not family. I had no problem with that, and in fact, I was rather comfortable just watching. But then the boy's aunt made me get in the big group photo. That was slightly awkward, but I figured since I was there for dinner, maybe she just wanted a photo of everyone who was there, whether they're family or not (even though I was the only one not related). It was much more awkward when they made the boy and I pose together in front of everyone while 3 different people took photos. It might have been less weird if they had been more warm and open towards me in conversation, if I could tell that they actually really liked me. But I couldn't tell one way or another. I don't think they disliked me, but in general it seemed like first impressions were just neutral. So it was a little odd to have multiple people flashing cameras in my face. But I went along with it. The boy apologized profusely afterwards. He hates being in photos, maybe even more than I do.
Anyway, overall it was a good experience. After dinner I went and stayed at the boy's new place for the night.
Friday 11/28 (Black Friday):
The boy got up at some ungodly hour to go buy a new TV. I slept in. By the time I got up, the TV was already hooked up and being tested out. We went out to breakfast, and then I went home. I was feeling a little melancholy and didn't want to be home alone with nothing to do. I hung out with my friend for a little while and talked about her new relationship excitement. Then I went shopping by myself and bought a new pair of jeans.
In the evening, the boy stopped by my place briefly. By this point, he was starting to notice me being a little moody and distant.
Yeah... I over-analyzed, and I freaked myself out a little bit. We knew this was coming, right?
Maybe it was meeting the family, maybe it's the amount of time we've been spending together, maybe it's the fact that I'm so nearly in love with him yet I keep holding myself back...
Whatever the cause, he saw it, and he asked me about it, but I told him I wasn't ready to talk. He went on to do whatever he had planned, and I made an impromptu trip to the casino. Sometimes playing cards really helps to clear my head. It put me in a much better mood.
After a couple hours of card playing, I got text from the boy. The cousins and a couple friends were at his place playing X-Box and drinking, and he wanted me to join them. When I was ready to leave the casino, I went to their place. It was a fun time with lots of laughter and goofiness. I slept over that night, as did two of the cousins, plus the cousin who lives there, and his girlfriend. Big drunken slumber party.
Saturday 11/29:
The boy and I woke up and spent some time being extremely goofy -- wrestling, tickling, laughing. It was so fun. But when his attention shifted to his cousins who were now awake in the living room, I started to feel melancholy again. Then I felt like the boy was being extra arrogant, although when I look back on it, I don't think he really was. Maybe I was just feeling extra sensitive.
I had plans to meet my friend for brunch, so I got dressed and ready to go. Once again, the boy saw me looking distant. He followed me out the door and wanted me to talk. I told him everything was fine, that I was just focused on my plans with my friend. He knew better, but he didn't press me too hard because I was already running late.
I thought my friend and I might go shopping or catch a movie after brunch, but her new relationship excitement took a turn for the even-more-dramatic, and she really just wanted to visit and talk about it. We sat for a long time and got caught up on our respective relationship details, then she went off to meet up with her guy. I ended up going back to visit the boy. The cousins were gone, and he was alone, watching a movie on the new TV. He looked at me very seriously, right in the eyes, and asked me point blank what was bothering me.
I said "nothing." He didn't believe me.
I looked away. He made me look at him.
I said I didn't want to talk about it. He said he wanted to listen.
It was really quite amazing. All my little tactics for hiding myself were useless on him. He saw right through me, and every time I stalled or avoided, he brought me back in. More importantly, he encouraged me to share myself and convinced me that nothing I said would push him away, that I shouldn't be afraid. He actually fought me for me!
We talked, and a lot of things came out. We're both worried about him leaving. We both feel strongly about one another, but we've both been holding ourselves back because we don't know what's going to happen. We've both been worried about the amount of time we've been spending together. We're both worried about our own moodiness and changeable feelings. And... [deep breath]... I told him that I dated the pharmacist while he was away at training.
Much to my surprise, after all that, he didn't run away. He still held me. He still looked in my eyes. He still kissed me. And with everything out on the table, we're closer than ever. He is mine, and I am his. Although we both acknowledge that we don't know how this is going to work when he leaves, or if we'll even make it that far, so we plan to take it as it comes, one day at a time, and just enjoy our time together right now. If we're still this close when it's time for him to go, then we'll talk about it.
He said he could never ask me to wait for him while he's gone for a year. But honestly, if I still feel this way about him in 3 months, I can't possibly date anyone else. Especially after what I learned from dating the pharmacist. Why waste time on someone who doesn't know me and doesn't care to try, when I've already got someone who sees me and likes me for who I am and genuinely wants to spend his time with me? The boy is all kinds of perfect to me right now. Unless it's really not working out in 3 months, how could I ever let him go? I won't make the same mistake twice. Something this wonderful is worth waiting for.
After we talked, we went our separate ways for the afternoon. He had errands, and I needed to spend some time giving attention to my cats and my increasingly messy apartment.
Saturday night, the boy came over to my place to do laundry. Clothes in the wash, we laid down on the bed next to each other and talked for a little while. He was so tired. He fell asleep at about 9:00pm and could not be stirred. I watched him sleep for a bit, checked his clothes, watched some MythBusters, and eventually climbed into bed next to him. He wrapped his arms around me, and I drifted off. It was the best night of sleep I'd had all week.
Sunday 11/30:
Boy went home with clean clothes. I lounged around, drank some tea, checked my email. I went to see Transporter 3. (Jason Statham -- so hot right now!) I was picking up lunch for myself when the boy texted me and told me he was having a Heroes marathon. I took my lunch over to his place and he and I, along with his cousin/roommate and girlfriend, watched at least 3 discs of Heroes. It was such a great afternoon, just snuggling on the couch, watching a show we all love. So mellow. I'd call it a perfect Sunday.
He was extra sweet and cute all afternoon. I don't know how to describe it really, except to say that he looks at me with so much affection now... I get the warm fuzzies just thinking about it. I love that boy. :)
I started talking to him about my situation at work, and the fact that I'm planning to leave my job and move to Portland within the next few months. He got very quiet and looked very sad. I asked him what was wrong, and he looked me right in the eye and said, "you're going to move away and leave me." My heart completely melted. I put my hand on his cheek and said, "No. Whatever happens with my job, I want to be with you. We'll make it work." He never looked away from my eyes.
It was the first time I'd ever seen him act vulnerable in that way, and it touched me. Usually I'm the one with the constant fear in the back of my mind that the person I'm with is going to leave me for some better opportunity. Even with the boy, up until we had our conversation on Saturday. I can't remember the last time it was reversed, where someone wanted to be with me so much that they really looked hurt at the thought of me leaving. The thing is, I feel the same way about him. When I think of him leaving to go to Iraq, it hurts inside. But even though I feel it, and I see him feeling it, it's still almost incomprehensible to me. It's so hard for me to wrap my head around the idea of someone wanting or needing me, and me wanting and needing him too. It seems impossible. Yet here it is, right in front of me. How did I get so lucky?
We watched another movie (Waiting, which was hilarious), and he held me tightly the entire time. We looked in each others' eyes a lot, just staring and being amazed, the same way we looked at each other on the night we met.
Seriously, how is this possible? I just can't comprehend it. But maybe understanding it isn't the point. Maybe I just need to accept it and enjoy it. Let it flow. ^_~
Monday 12/1:
I woke up next to the boy, warm and comfortable. We exchanged many smiles, hugs, and kisses before I finally dragged myself out of bed to go to work.
I've been smiling all day. :)
Wednesday 11/26:
I got off work early and met up with the boy for a movie. We talked about Thanksgiving dinner at his family's house, my nervousness about it, and the fact that it's rather early for me to be meeting his mother and his family. He agreed that it was early, but said he wouldn't let me spend Thanksgiving alone, so I should quit being nervous and get ready for turkey.
He had other plans after the movie - preparation for the next morning's Turkey Bowl - so he dropped me off at home, and I went to bed. A couple hours later, he texted me. He missed me and wanted to come over. We snuggled up together and went to sleep. :-) :-) :-)
Thursday 11/27 (Thanksgiving):
I was supposed to go watch Turkey Bowl, but I elected to stay home and sleep in. Boy got up early to go play. I lounged around and eventually got my act together in time for dinner. The boy picked me up in the afternoon and we went to his aunt's house.
There weren't as many people as I expected. His two cousins who I'd hung out with before were there, so that made it less awkward, already knowing some people. Dinner was very tasty, and people were nice for the most part. The boy's mother was a little distant, not in a bad way, just... normally when I meet someone's parents, they want to know about me. She didn't ask me any questions, and didn't really engage me in conversation. Come to think of it, the other female relatives were the same way. Maybe that's just how their family is. Or maybe they disprove of their son dating a 31-year-old. Or maybe they figure our relationship won't last, so there's no point in getting to know me. Whatever... clearly, I've thought about this too much, but it really doesn't matter. If I meet them again, then perhaps I'll get to know them better. If not, then no loss.
Everything was really pretty nice, normal, an non-awkward until it came time to take pictures. They were taking family photos in various groupings -- the sisters together, all the guys together, etc. -- and I was sitting back, watching, not feeling left out at all because, well... they're family photos, and I'm not family. I had no problem with that, and in fact, I was rather comfortable just watching. But then the boy's aunt made me get in the big group photo. That was slightly awkward, but I figured since I was there for dinner, maybe she just wanted a photo of everyone who was there, whether they're family or not (even though I was the only one not related). It was much more awkward when they made the boy and I pose together in front of everyone while 3 different people took photos. It might have been less weird if they had been more warm and open towards me in conversation, if I could tell that they actually really liked me. But I couldn't tell one way or another. I don't think they disliked me, but in general it seemed like first impressions were just neutral. So it was a little odd to have multiple people flashing cameras in my face. But I went along with it. The boy apologized profusely afterwards. He hates being in photos, maybe even more than I do.
Anyway, overall it was a good experience. After dinner I went and stayed at the boy's new place for the night.
Friday 11/28 (Black Friday):
The boy got up at some ungodly hour to go buy a new TV. I slept in. By the time I got up, the TV was already hooked up and being tested out. We went out to breakfast, and then I went home. I was feeling a little melancholy and didn't want to be home alone with nothing to do. I hung out with my friend for a little while and talked about her new relationship excitement. Then I went shopping by myself and bought a new pair of jeans.
In the evening, the boy stopped by my place briefly. By this point, he was starting to notice me being a little moody and distant.
Yeah... I over-analyzed, and I freaked myself out a little bit. We knew this was coming, right?
Maybe it was meeting the family, maybe it's the amount of time we've been spending together, maybe it's the fact that I'm so nearly in love with him yet I keep holding myself back...
Whatever the cause, he saw it, and he asked me about it, but I told him I wasn't ready to talk. He went on to do whatever he had planned, and I made an impromptu trip to the casino. Sometimes playing cards really helps to clear my head. It put me in a much better mood.
After a couple hours of card playing, I got text from the boy. The cousins and a couple friends were at his place playing X-Box and drinking, and he wanted me to join them. When I was ready to leave the casino, I went to their place. It was a fun time with lots of laughter and goofiness. I slept over that night, as did two of the cousins, plus the cousin who lives there, and his girlfriend. Big drunken slumber party.
Saturday 11/29:
The boy and I woke up and spent some time being extremely goofy -- wrestling, tickling, laughing. It was so fun. But when his attention shifted to his cousins who were now awake in the living room, I started to feel melancholy again. Then I felt like the boy was being extra arrogant, although when I look back on it, I don't think he really was. Maybe I was just feeling extra sensitive.
I had plans to meet my friend for brunch, so I got dressed and ready to go. Once again, the boy saw me looking distant. He followed me out the door and wanted me to talk. I told him everything was fine, that I was just focused on my plans with my friend. He knew better, but he didn't press me too hard because I was already running late.
I thought my friend and I might go shopping or catch a movie after brunch, but her new relationship excitement took a turn for the even-more-dramatic, and she really just wanted to visit and talk about it. We sat for a long time and got caught up on our respective relationship details, then she went off to meet up with her guy. I ended up going back to visit the boy. The cousins were gone, and he was alone, watching a movie on the new TV. He looked at me very seriously, right in the eyes, and asked me point blank what was bothering me.
I said "nothing." He didn't believe me.
I looked away. He made me look at him.
I said I didn't want to talk about it. He said he wanted to listen.
It was really quite amazing. All my little tactics for hiding myself were useless on him. He saw right through me, and every time I stalled or avoided, he brought me back in. More importantly, he encouraged me to share myself and convinced me that nothing I said would push him away, that I shouldn't be afraid. He actually fought me for me!
We talked, and a lot of things came out. We're both worried about him leaving. We both feel strongly about one another, but we've both been holding ourselves back because we don't know what's going to happen. We've both been worried about the amount of time we've been spending together. We're both worried about our own moodiness and changeable feelings. And... [deep breath]... I told him that I dated the pharmacist while he was away at training.
Much to my surprise, after all that, he didn't run away. He still held me. He still looked in my eyes. He still kissed me. And with everything out on the table, we're closer than ever. He is mine, and I am his. Although we both acknowledge that we don't know how this is going to work when he leaves, or if we'll even make it that far, so we plan to take it as it comes, one day at a time, and just enjoy our time together right now. If we're still this close when it's time for him to go, then we'll talk about it.
He said he could never ask me to wait for him while he's gone for a year. But honestly, if I still feel this way about him in 3 months, I can't possibly date anyone else. Especially after what I learned from dating the pharmacist. Why waste time on someone who doesn't know me and doesn't care to try, when I've already got someone who sees me and likes me for who I am and genuinely wants to spend his time with me? The boy is all kinds of perfect to me right now. Unless it's really not working out in 3 months, how could I ever let him go? I won't make the same mistake twice. Something this wonderful is worth waiting for.
After we talked, we went our separate ways for the afternoon. He had errands, and I needed to spend some time giving attention to my cats and my increasingly messy apartment.
Saturday night, the boy came over to my place to do laundry. Clothes in the wash, we laid down on the bed next to each other and talked for a little while. He was so tired. He fell asleep at about 9:00pm and could not be stirred. I watched him sleep for a bit, checked his clothes, watched some MythBusters, and eventually climbed into bed next to him. He wrapped his arms around me, and I drifted off. It was the best night of sleep I'd had all week.
Sunday 11/30:
Boy went home with clean clothes. I lounged around, drank some tea, checked my email. I went to see Transporter 3. (Jason Statham -- so hot right now!) I was picking up lunch for myself when the boy texted me and told me he was having a Heroes marathon. I took my lunch over to his place and he and I, along with his cousin/roommate and girlfriend, watched at least 3 discs of Heroes. It was such a great afternoon, just snuggling on the couch, watching a show we all love. So mellow. I'd call it a perfect Sunday.
He was extra sweet and cute all afternoon. I don't know how to describe it really, except to say that he looks at me with so much affection now... I get the warm fuzzies just thinking about it. I love that boy. :)
I started talking to him about my situation at work, and the fact that I'm planning to leave my job and move to Portland within the next few months. He got very quiet and looked very sad. I asked him what was wrong, and he looked me right in the eye and said, "you're going to move away and leave me." My heart completely melted. I put my hand on his cheek and said, "No. Whatever happens with my job, I want to be with you. We'll make it work." He never looked away from my eyes.
It was the first time I'd ever seen him act vulnerable in that way, and it touched me. Usually I'm the one with the constant fear in the back of my mind that the person I'm with is going to leave me for some better opportunity. Even with the boy, up until we had our conversation on Saturday. I can't remember the last time it was reversed, where someone wanted to be with me so much that they really looked hurt at the thought of me leaving. The thing is, I feel the same way about him. When I think of him leaving to go to Iraq, it hurts inside. But even though I feel it, and I see him feeling it, it's still almost incomprehensible to me. It's so hard for me to wrap my head around the idea of someone wanting or needing me, and me wanting and needing him too. It seems impossible. Yet here it is, right in front of me. How did I get so lucky?
We watched another movie (Waiting, which was hilarious), and he held me tightly the entire time. We looked in each others' eyes a lot, just staring and being amazed, the same way we looked at each other on the night we met.
Seriously, how is this possible? I just can't comprehend it. But maybe understanding it isn't the point. Maybe I just need to accept it and enjoy it. Let it flow. ^_~
Monday 12/1:
I woke up next to the boy, warm and comfortable. We exchanged many smiles, hugs, and kisses before I finally dragged myself out of bed to go to work.
I've been smiling all day. :)
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Too Many Distractions
I'm so distracted today.
I had a spur of the moment lunch date with the boy, which made me not want to come back to the office, and now I can't stop thinking about it.
There have been several divisive discussions at work today.
I've been asked to do an evaluation of another employee, which is time consuming and requires careful thought.
I've also been asked to be part of a committee to review the evaluation process and improve it.
And we've been having a heated debate about the "correct" process for developing and documenting our software, which in a way also involves our evaluation process.
On the surface, everyone is being diplomatic, but underneath, people are frustrated and bitter.
And they keep talking to me about it, and I keep zoning out because I don't want to deal with it, and I keep thinking about my lunch date because it was the highlight of my day, and my stomach hurts because I've eaten way too much chocolate and not much of anything else, and because of all that, I can't seem to get any real work done.
Just one of those days I guess.
Thank gods it's only a 3-day work week. Hooray for Thanksgiving and a 4-day weekend!
But that brings me to another distracting thought...
The boy has invited me to have Thanksgiving dinner with his family. I'm a little freaked out about it. I can't decide what to bring or what to wear. His family is huge, he's got a zillion cousins, aunts, and uncles, etc., and they're all very close. This will be the first time I'll meet his mother. It seems a little too soon for all this.
The week after Thanksgiving, I'm going to be the boy's date to his army unit's Christmas party. Another big event with lots of people I don't know.
Somehow I need to stop thinking about all this, and find a way to block out all my coworkers who are distracting me, and just focus in on my own work. Somehow...
I'd rather just be at home, alone with my thoughts. :\
---
Edit:
And minutes after I posted this, I was asked to do ANOTHER peer evaluation.
[sigh]
I had a spur of the moment lunch date with the boy, which made me not want to come back to the office, and now I can't stop thinking about it.
There have been several divisive discussions at work today.
I've been asked to do an evaluation of another employee, which is time consuming and requires careful thought.
I've also been asked to be part of a committee to review the evaluation process and improve it.
And we've been having a heated debate about the "correct" process for developing and documenting our software, which in a way also involves our evaluation process.
On the surface, everyone is being diplomatic, but underneath, people are frustrated and bitter.
And they keep talking to me about it, and I keep zoning out because I don't want to deal with it, and I keep thinking about my lunch date because it was the highlight of my day, and my stomach hurts because I've eaten way too much chocolate and not much of anything else, and because of all that, I can't seem to get any real work done.
Just one of those days I guess.
Thank gods it's only a 3-day work week. Hooray for Thanksgiving and a 4-day weekend!
But that brings me to another distracting thought...
The boy has invited me to have Thanksgiving dinner with his family. I'm a little freaked out about it. I can't decide what to bring or what to wear. His family is huge, he's got a zillion cousins, aunts, and uncles, etc., and they're all very close. This will be the first time I'll meet his mother. It seems a little too soon for all this.
The week after Thanksgiving, I'm going to be the boy's date to his army unit's Christmas party. Another big event with lots of people I don't know.
Somehow I need to stop thinking about all this, and find a way to block out all my coworkers who are distracting me, and just focus in on my own work. Somehow...
I'd rather just be at home, alone with my thoughts. :\
---
Edit:
And minutes after I posted this, I was asked to do ANOTHER peer evaluation.
[sigh]
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Stream Of Consciousness
I've spent nearly every night with the boy for the last 2 weeks. He is wonderful. I could fall in love with him if I let myself. I have been reflecting a lot, but I'm not over-analyzing, and I'm not asking questions. It is what it is, and I'm strangely comfortable with that. At the same time though, I am still holding myself back a little bit. I guess I'm protecting me. I see his defenses falling down little by little. He has introduced me to several members of his family. Last night one of his cousins raised a glass and toasted to me. They all seem to think I'm good for him. I hope I am. I'm trying to be. He sure has been good for me. It's strange how some people can tear you down and make you feel insecure, while others can lift you up and give you confidence. The boy does the latter for me. I wasn't looking for someone to boost my self esteem, I've always tried to find my own strength from within instead of looking for it in other people. But he has this way of saying just the right thing, or looking at me just the right way, or sending me a smiley text at just the right time of day... He lifts me up. I don't know how else to explain it. I smile just thinking about it. How did I get so lucky? Last night we were talking, and he told me he had been wondering how he got so lucky. He radiates this energy sometimes, I can feel it coming out of him. Most of the time I feel that he likes me, that he's comfortable and happy around me. On occasion I feel more than that, and I tremble with affection and fear. I could fall in love with him if I left myself. But it's only been 2 weeks. There's so much more time to spend together, time to get to know each other, even though he feels so familiar already. He has started calling me "his girl". It makes me blush with warmth. I love being his girl. I find myself thinking crazy thoughts, like what if we could be this way forever, what if he is the one? Is that even possible? I don't know how to wrap my head around that, but it creeps into the back of my mind regardless. He actually seems willing to fight me for me. It's shocking. I wake up in the morning and feel surprised that he hasn't changed his mind about me, that he's still here, still holding onto me, in spite of me. I just smile and feel grateful for his presence in my life right now. I'm a very happy and lucky girl.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Flow
My early awkwardness with the boy disappeared during the middle of last week when I decided to let some of my guard down and just enjoy the moment. Since then I've done reasonably well at letting it flow and not asking questions. But tonight, as we shared a comfortable silence looking into each other's eyes, I felt a bit of sadness.
Out of nowhere, it popped into my head.
I wish you were about 10 years older and in a place in your life where we could be together on a more serious level.
It hit me so hard that I nearly said it out loud. Thank gods I didn't.
But it didn't matter, he saw me withdraw from the moment. "What's wrong?" he asked.
"Nothing," I said, looking down and faking a smile.
Sometimes I catch him with an expression that indicates he's thinking about it too, and we have the very same interaction, roles reversed.
"What are you thinking about?" I'll ask him.
"Nothing," he'll say, faking a smile.
It's going to be so hard when he leaves for Iraq. We have this amazing connection, and we both love spending time together. It's only been a week since he came home, but I've already gotten attached, just like I knew I would.
The self sabotaging part of me wants to make sure we've stopped seeing each other long before he goes, just so I can be angry at him, or at least feel indifferent, instead of feeling the pain of his loss like last time.
But I shouldn't think like that. His departure is 4 months away, and between now and then, I just want to enjoy what we have. I've been making a conscious effort. When we're together, I have to be right here, right now - not off somewhere else, worrying about the future. I want to appreciate each moment to its fullest.
He is special to me in a way that I never expected. It still surprises me when I think about it.
I'm really lucky.
Out of nowhere, it popped into my head.
I wish you were about 10 years older and in a place in your life where we could be together on a more serious level.
It hit me so hard that I nearly said it out loud. Thank gods I didn't.
But it didn't matter, he saw me withdraw from the moment. "What's wrong?" he asked.
"Nothing," I said, looking down and faking a smile.
Sometimes I catch him with an expression that indicates he's thinking about it too, and we have the very same interaction, roles reversed.
"What are you thinking about?" I'll ask him.
"Nothing," he'll say, faking a smile.
It's going to be so hard when he leaves for Iraq. We have this amazing connection, and we both love spending time together. It's only been a week since he came home, but I've already gotten attached, just like I knew I would.
The self sabotaging part of me wants to make sure we've stopped seeing each other long before he goes, just so I can be angry at him, or at least feel indifferent, instead of feeling the pain of his loss like last time.
But I shouldn't think like that. His departure is 4 months away, and between now and then, I just want to enjoy what we have. I've been making a conscious effort. When we're together, I have to be right here, right now - not off somewhere else, worrying about the future. I want to appreciate each moment to its fullest.
He is special to me in a way that I never expected. It still surprises me when I think about it.
I'm really lucky.
Monday, November 10, 2008
Melancholy Monday
This has been the most haphazard day. I can't seem to get anywhere on time, get anything done, or stick to any plan. I was late to work this morning, late to class, I had sit out half the class because I had heart palpitations, my boss and I keep missing each other so we can't seem to solve the problem that I need his help with, I was late to my doctor's appointment, the doctor told me exactly what I didn't want to hear so I argued with him and now I have to see a specialist for a second opinion, I went upstairs to talk to my friend for a few minutes and got sidetracked for over an hour... it's now almost 5:00pm, I've gotten nothing done, I'm completely distracted, and I feel like I should just give up and try again tomorrow.
I'm a perfectionist, dammit. I'm ill-equipped to handle this much chaos in one day.
[deep breath]
I waited all day Saturday to hear from the boy, but when midnight rolled around and he still hadn't called, I gave up and went to bed. The sound of my phone vibrating on the kitchen counter woke me at about 2:00am. He had just arrived in town a couple hours earlier, probably about the time I was going to bed, and he wanted to see if I was still awake. I figured, I'm already out of bed, so why not? So he came over.
We had a long squeezy hug, and then we sat and talked for a while. He looks so thin. He says he lost 20 lbs, but it looks like more than that. All that's left is muscle. Four weeks of running and push-ups. He doesn't think boot camp changed him like everyone said it would, but I think maybe he's a little more cocky than he was before. Not in a bad way... just different. Slightly.
We talked with each other like no time had passed at all, like we've known each other forever, even though we only knew each other for a couple of days before he left. It was nice to know that we still have a connection, that it wasn't just my imagination or something fleeting that I felt because of the excitement of the moment.
But when things got physical, I disengaged emotionally. I don't know why. I didn't mean to, it just happened. I started having this mental dialog with myself, like I wasn't even there with the boy. It was surreal. I wondered why I was feeling so detached. I wondered if it was because of what happened with the pharmacist. Then I started thinking about the pharmacist. Then I started comparing the boy to the pharmacist! Ugh.
That went on for a while before I managed to quiet my brain and bring myself back into the present. After that I found myself feeling distant from the boy. Not because of him or anything he said or did, but because of me. I didn't understand it. I was so looking forward to seeing him. I should be happy, right? I should be living in this moment. I should be all in.
Maybe I psyched myself out somehow. Maybe through all my rationalizing about how the boy can never be the one, I actually convinced myself that attachment is not an option. Maybe I put up a wall to keep myself from becoming invested. Maybe I even shut myself off to him a long time ago because I was so sad after he left.
Is it right for me to do that? Should I try to be more open with the boy? Or should I assume the wall is there for a good reason?
Argh... so many questions I keep asking myself.
I don't know when I'll see him again. Part of me wants to see him right away so I can test this out and see if I still react to him the same way. But part of me says, what difference does it make? He's not long term and I know this. So what's the big deal? Why not just have fun with him while it lasts? Who says I need to be emotionally invested? Why can't I just enjoy his company?
All day Sunday after he left my place, I was a bumbling idiot around the house, dropping things, running into furniture, forgetting what I was in the middle of doing. And I guess today hasn't been much better, since I can't seem to stay on schedule. Though apparently I'm not the only one having this problem today -- I've talked to at least 3 other people who also can't seem to get anything done or stick to a plan. It must be in the stars. Is Scorpio battling with Aries today?
My doctor's appointment was for anxiety. Actually the doctor thinks I have a panic disorder. He wants to put me on a 3-year course of anti-depressants. I'm so opposed to long term treatment, and having been on a variety of anti-depressants before, that's about the last thing I want to deal with right now. The sad thing is, I think his assessment is probably right on, if only I would accept it for what it is. For some reason, I just couldn't do it. So I'm going to see a mental health specialist for a more in-depth evaluation. They'll probably tell me the exact same thing. What will I do then? Refuse treatment again, or accept my fate?
Well... it's now just after 5:30pm, and I've already decided there's no way I can stay at work as late as I should. I'm bailing out to go drinking with my friend. Hope I make it home in time for Heroes.
Cheers.
I'm a perfectionist, dammit. I'm ill-equipped to handle this much chaos in one day.
[deep breath]
I waited all day Saturday to hear from the boy, but when midnight rolled around and he still hadn't called, I gave up and went to bed. The sound of my phone vibrating on the kitchen counter woke me at about 2:00am. He had just arrived in town a couple hours earlier, probably about the time I was going to bed, and he wanted to see if I was still awake. I figured, I'm already out of bed, so why not? So he came over.
We had a long squeezy hug, and then we sat and talked for a while. He looks so thin. He says he lost 20 lbs, but it looks like more than that. All that's left is muscle. Four weeks of running and push-ups. He doesn't think boot camp changed him like everyone said it would, but I think maybe he's a little more cocky than he was before. Not in a bad way... just different. Slightly.
We talked with each other like no time had passed at all, like we've known each other forever, even though we only knew each other for a couple of days before he left. It was nice to know that we still have a connection, that it wasn't just my imagination or something fleeting that I felt because of the excitement of the moment.
But when things got physical, I disengaged emotionally. I don't know why. I didn't mean to, it just happened. I started having this mental dialog with myself, like I wasn't even there with the boy. It was surreal. I wondered why I was feeling so detached. I wondered if it was because of what happened with the pharmacist. Then I started thinking about the pharmacist. Then I started comparing the boy to the pharmacist! Ugh.
That went on for a while before I managed to quiet my brain and bring myself back into the present. After that I found myself feeling distant from the boy. Not because of him or anything he said or did, but because of me. I didn't understand it. I was so looking forward to seeing him. I should be happy, right? I should be living in this moment. I should be all in.
Maybe I psyched myself out somehow. Maybe through all my rationalizing about how the boy can never be the one, I actually convinced myself that attachment is not an option. Maybe I put up a wall to keep myself from becoming invested. Maybe I even shut myself off to him a long time ago because I was so sad after he left.
Is it right for me to do that? Should I try to be more open with the boy? Or should I assume the wall is there for a good reason?
Argh... so many questions I keep asking myself.
I don't know when I'll see him again. Part of me wants to see him right away so I can test this out and see if I still react to him the same way. But part of me says, what difference does it make? He's not long term and I know this. So what's the big deal? Why not just have fun with him while it lasts? Who says I need to be emotionally invested? Why can't I just enjoy his company?
All day Sunday after he left my place, I was a bumbling idiot around the house, dropping things, running into furniture, forgetting what I was in the middle of doing. And I guess today hasn't been much better, since I can't seem to stay on schedule. Though apparently I'm not the only one having this problem today -- I've talked to at least 3 other people who also can't seem to get anything done or stick to a plan. It must be in the stars. Is Scorpio battling with Aries today?
My doctor's appointment was for anxiety. Actually the doctor thinks I have a panic disorder. He wants to put me on a 3-year course of anti-depressants. I'm so opposed to long term treatment, and having been on a variety of anti-depressants before, that's about the last thing I want to deal with right now. The sad thing is, I think his assessment is probably right on, if only I would accept it for what it is. For some reason, I just couldn't do it. So I'm going to see a mental health specialist for a more in-depth evaluation. They'll probably tell me the exact same thing. What will I do then? Refuse treatment again, or accept my fate?
Well... it's now just after 5:30pm, and I've already decided there's no way I can stay at work as late as I should. I'm bailing out to go drinking with my friend. Hope I make it home in time for Heroes.
Cheers.
Friday, November 7, 2008
Happy Friday
That's really all I have to say right now.
Maybe I'll be back to write more later, but until then...
Happy Friday, and a lovely weekend to all.
Maybe I'll be back to write more later, but until then...
Happy Friday, and a lovely weekend to all.
Monday, November 3, 2008
Boy Blather
I've been wanting to write for the last week, but haven't known how to organize my thoughts. This might pour out into one big mess. (It usually does.)
...
The pharmacist.
After he told me multiple times that he wanted to remain friends, when I asked him directly why he's been avoiding hanging out with me, he basically told me he doesn't ever want to hang out with me unless it's a trip to the casino. And after our last trip where he blew an entire month's rent in under an hour, he's vowed not to go back for a while. So... we won't ever hang out? At all?
Oh... and apparently my cats really stink.
Whatever, dude. Get over yourself. I sure did.
...
The boy.
He graduates from training on Friday, and will be home sometime during the weekend. We already have plans to see a movie together. I'm excited to see him - I can't wait to hear all about his experience. But I'm also having a bit of anxiety too. We all know I'm terrible at going into a situation without expectations, right?
...
It worries me how easily I get attached to people when there's a good connection. I only knew the boy for one weekend before he left for training, yet his loss caused me to cry for days and be sad and mopey for weeks.
And the pharmacist... he was never a good match to begin with, yet I managed to get myself attached to him too. Then I wondered what was wrong with me when it didn't work out. (Because I always have to blame myself first before I can look at it objectively.)
So I guess the issue is that, having recently gone through a bad situation caused by my own poor judgment with the pharmacist, I'm a little leery of making another bad call with the boy. I mean let's face it, my track record for decisions concerning the male gender is not stellar.
I am also very aware of the fact that the boy cannot possibly be long term, which means he is not "the one", which makes me wonder how much time and effort I should spend on him in the first place. What if I waste my time having frivolous fun when I should be trying to date people who are my age, who aren't in the army and getting deployed in 6 months?
One of my friends who lives in Portland has a screenwriter friend he's been wanting to introduce me to. We've already halfway planned a post-ski outing with this guy, even though ski season hasn't started yet. He sounds like a great guy, and it means a lot to me that my friend wants to introduce us.
Then there's my friend who's dating all the different guys she meets online. I've never been real excited about online dating, and when I heard about some of her early experiences, I really wanted to stay away from that scene. But after she figured out how screen guys appropriately, she started meeting some really interesting people. Now she's got one she really likes who actually has long term potential.
So... I guess I'm looking at where I've been, I'm looking at the options in front of me, I'm looking at what's happening in my friends' lives, and... I have all this information... I feel like I should use it to my advantage somehow, to help me choose a path for myself... but I still don't know what's best.
I know what I want in the long run -- a boy to hold me at night who meets that whole long list of criteria from previous posts. A permanent boy. A life partner. And eventually a family.
If only I could figure out where to start!
But my more immediate issue is the boy. I will see him in less than a week. I'm really kind of surprised and amazed that he still likes me and wants to see me after all this time away. It's been almost 4 months. I thought for sure he would've forgotten me or decided he didn't like me. Who knew?
I keep thinking about his arms. They were massive and strong before he left, and he's had 4 months of rigorous physical training since then. He's going to be hotter than hot!
[Andrea flushes at the thought of the boy's biceps]
Nevertheless, I can't help feeling insecure. He's 21, beautiful, charismatic, fun, has a ton of friends and family, and plans to spend time with them all when he comes home. So... why me? Of all the girls I know damn well he has available to choose from, why on earth is he interested in me? What if he comes home, sees me, and realizes the error of his ways? He could still decide he doesn't like me, just like the pharmacist did. The pharmacist was a brilliant reminder of why NOT to get too involved or attached, why not to trust. Why I should fear.
I always second guess myself.
I know what Jennicula will say. :)
Just let it flow.
It's an immense challenge, but I will surely try.
He'll be home in less than a week!
...
The pharmacist.
After he told me multiple times that he wanted to remain friends, when I asked him directly why he's been avoiding hanging out with me, he basically told me he doesn't ever want to hang out with me unless it's a trip to the casino. And after our last trip where he blew an entire month's rent in under an hour, he's vowed not to go back for a while. So... we won't ever hang out? At all?
Oh... and apparently my cats really stink.
Whatever, dude. Get over yourself. I sure did.
...
The boy.
He graduates from training on Friday, and will be home sometime during the weekend. We already have plans to see a movie together. I'm excited to see him - I can't wait to hear all about his experience. But I'm also having a bit of anxiety too. We all know I'm terrible at going into a situation without expectations, right?
...
It worries me how easily I get attached to people when there's a good connection. I only knew the boy for one weekend before he left for training, yet his loss caused me to cry for days and be sad and mopey for weeks.
And the pharmacist... he was never a good match to begin with, yet I managed to get myself attached to him too. Then I wondered what was wrong with me when it didn't work out. (Because I always have to blame myself first before I can look at it objectively.)
So I guess the issue is that, having recently gone through a bad situation caused by my own poor judgment with the pharmacist, I'm a little leery of making another bad call with the boy. I mean let's face it, my track record for decisions concerning the male gender is not stellar.
I am also very aware of the fact that the boy cannot possibly be long term, which means he is not "the one", which makes me wonder how much time and effort I should spend on him in the first place. What if I waste my time having frivolous fun when I should be trying to date people who are my age, who aren't in the army and getting deployed in 6 months?
One of my friends who lives in Portland has a screenwriter friend he's been wanting to introduce me to. We've already halfway planned a post-ski outing with this guy, even though ski season hasn't started yet. He sounds like a great guy, and it means a lot to me that my friend wants to introduce us.
Then there's my friend who's dating all the different guys she meets online. I've never been real excited about online dating, and when I heard about some of her early experiences, I really wanted to stay away from that scene. But after she figured out how screen guys appropriately, she started meeting some really interesting people. Now she's got one she really likes who actually has long term potential.
So... I guess I'm looking at where I've been, I'm looking at the options in front of me, I'm looking at what's happening in my friends' lives, and... I have all this information... I feel like I should use it to my advantage somehow, to help me choose a path for myself... but I still don't know what's best.
I know what I want in the long run -- a boy to hold me at night who meets that whole long list of criteria from previous posts. A permanent boy. A life partner. And eventually a family.
If only I could figure out where to start!
But my more immediate issue is the boy. I will see him in less than a week. I'm really kind of surprised and amazed that he still likes me and wants to see me after all this time away. It's been almost 4 months. I thought for sure he would've forgotten me or decided he didn't like me. Who knew?
I keep thinking about his arms. They were massive and strong before he left, and he's had 4 months of rigorous physical training since then. He's going to be hotter than hot!
[Andrea flushes at the thought of the boy's biceps]
Nevertheless, I can't help feeling insecure. He's 21, beautiful, charismatic, fun, has a ton of friends and family, and plans to spend time with them all when he comes home. So... why me? Of all the girls I know damn well he has available to choose from, why on earth is he interested in me? What if he comes home, sees me, and realizes the error of his ways? He could still decide he doesn't like me, just like the pharmacist did. The pharmacist was a brilliant reminder of why NOT to get too involved or attached, why not to trust. Why I should fear.
I always second guess myself.
I know what Jennicula will say. :)
Just let it flow.
It's an immense challenge, but I will surely try.
He'll be home in less than a week!
Thursday, October 30, 2008
The Littlest Janitor
At work, our offices are cleaned by a local family that runs their own custodial business. It's a husband and wife, and they bring their small children with them. They take turns -- one of them watches the children while the other does the work.
Tonight, I was sitting at my desk at nearly 11:00pm when I heard a small voice behind me, attempting to speak over my loud music. I turned around to see this tiny little girl standing in my doorway next to a big garbage can on wheels that was practically bigger than she is. She couldn't have been more than 5 years old. I had to fumble with iTunes to turn off the inappropriate M.I.A. I had been listening to.
"Excuse me, may I please empty your garbages?"
I just blinked for a second. I couldn't believe this little girl was pushing around this giant trash bin, and being so very professional about it. I think she was more articulate than some of my adult coworkers.
"Sure you can."
She came in quickly and quietly, wrapped both arms around my little waste basket, carried it to her bigger garbage can, lifted it over her head to empty it out, then placed it neatly back under my desk.
"Thank you," I said.
"You're welcome." With both hands and the weight of her entire body she pushed the big bin toward the next office.
For a brief moment I thought, what's going here? Is it right that this little girl is doing hard labor in my office? Then I heard her father's voice in the hallway.
"Did you get them all?" he asked.
"Yes," she replied confidently in her tiny tone.
"Let's check."
They walked into each office, and looked at each garbage can together. The father was carrying his newborn baby, who let out several fussy squeals. He tended to the baby while still conversing with the girl, confirming that all the waste had been properly disposed of.
"You did such a good job," he proclaimed. "I'm proud of you! I'm going to have to give you a pay raise! TWO kisses instead of one for each garbage can." And he proceeded to hug her and give her two kisses on the cheek for each garbage can she had emptied. She giggled loudly. It was the cutest thing.
It turns out, the little girl had volunteered to empty all the garbage cans. She wanted to help out, so her father gave her a task, and she completed it like a pro. I was so impressed with the way he spoke to her and reasoned with her like an adult yet still gave her the encouragement and affection she needs as a little girl.
I felt a renewed desire to have a family of my own.
Tonight, I was sitting at my desk at nearly 11:00pm when I heard a small voice behind me, attempting to speak over my loud music. I turned around to see this tiny little girl standing in my doorway next to a big garbage can on wheels that was practically bigger than she is. She couldn't have been more than 5 years old. I had to fumble with iTunes to turn off the inappropriate M.I.A. I had been listening to.
"Excuse me, may I please empty your garbages?"
I just blinked for a second. I couldn't believe this little girl was pushing around this giant trash bin, and being so very professional about it. I think she was more articulate than some of my adult coworkers.
"Sure you can."
She came in quickly and quietly, wrapped both arms around my little waste basket, carried it to her bigger garbage can, lifted it over her head to empty it out, then placed it neatly back under my desk.
"Thank you," I said.
"You're welcome." With both hands and the weight of her entire body she pushed the big bin toward the next office.
For a brief moment I thought, what's going here? Is it right that this little girl is doing hard labor in my office? Then I heard her father's voice in the hallway.
"Did you get them all?" he asked.
"Yes," she replied confidently in her tiny tone.
"Let's check."
They walked into each office, and looked at each garbage can together. The father was carrying his newborn baby, who let out several fussy squeals. He tended to the baby while still conversing with the girl, confirming that all the waste had been properly disposed of.
"You did such a good job," he proclaimed. "I'm proud of you! I'm going to have to give you a pay raise! TWO kisses instead of one for each garbage can." And he proceeded to hug her and give her two kisses on the cheek for each garbage can she had emptied. She giggled loudly. It was the cutest thing.
It turns out, the little girl had volunteered to empty all the garbage cans. She wanted to help out, so her father gave her a task, and she completed it like a pro. I was so impressed with the way he spoke to her and reasoned with her like an adult yet still gave her the encouragement and affection she needs as a little girl.
I felt a renewed desire to have a family of my own.
Friday, October 24, 2008
I Will Always
In no particular order...
I will always look up at the stars and be amazed.
I will always put my feet in the ocean, no matter how cold the water is.
I will always sing out loud.
I will always enjoy the sun on my face.
I will always think and analyze too much, too long, too... everything.
I will always get floor tickets to concerts, even though it hurts my back.
I will always be drawn to boys who smell good.
I will always ask questions.
I will always hear music in my head.
I will always doubt myself in some way.
I will always feel a sense of responsibility.
I will always wish for things I cannot have.
I will always regret my own bad timing.
I will always love my closest friends as if they were family.
I will always sleep in, whenever possible.
I will always be an outsider.
I will always need to talk... a lot.
I will always keep certain things to myself.
I will always love and respect the natural world.
I will always wonder why.
I will always appreciate the simple things.
I will always eat food that's bad for me.
I will always need to escape from time to time.
I will always feel renewed by a caring touch.
I will always want someone to hold me at night.
I will always be a nerd.
I will always get excited about gray rainy weather.
I will always have a feline companion.
I will always laugh, even when I hurt inside.
I will always expect more out of myself than anyone else does.
I will always watch the same movies over and over again.
I will always search.
I will always be 12 years old inside.
I will always push myself too hard instead of asking for help.
I will always love the place where I grew up more than anywhere else.
I will always respect others, even the ones who make it extra challenging.
I will always be difficult to get to know well.
I will always wish I was a superhero with special ass-kicking powers.
I will always believe magick is real. Because it is!
I will always run and play.
I will always struggle.
I will always be influenced and changed by the people around me, yet I will always remain true to myself.
I will always wonder what I'm doing here, and what this is all about.
I will always wish for someone to take care of me, yet I will always take care of myself and frequently turn down offers of assistance.
I will always appreciate the lessons I've learned, even those that are painful.
I will always try.
I will always look up at the stars and be amazed.
I will always put my feet in the ocean, no matter how cold the water is.
I will always sing out loud.
I will always enjoy the sun on my face.
I will always think and analyze too much, too long, too... everything.
I will always get floor tickets to concerts, even though it hurts my back.
I will always be drawn to boys who smell good.
I will always ask questions.
I will always hear music in my head.
I will always doubt myself in some way.
I will always feel a sense of responsibility.
I will always wish for things I cannot have.
I will always regret my own bad timing.
I will always love my closest friends as if they were family.
I will always sleep in, whenever possible.
I will always be an outsider.
I will always need to talk... a lot.
I will always keep certain things to myself.
I will always love and respect the natural world.
I will always wonder why.
I will always appreciate the simple things.
I will always eat food that's bad for me.
I will always need to escape from time to time.
I will always feel renewed by a caring touch.
I will always want someone to hold me at night.
I will always be a nerd.
I will always get excited about gray rainy weather.
I will always have a feline companion.
I will always laugh, even when I hurt inside.
I will always expect more out of myself than anyone else does.
I will always watch the same movies over and over again.
I will always search.
I will always be 12 years old inside.
I will always push myself too hard instead of asking for help.
I will always love the place where I grew up more than anywhere else.
I will always respect others, even the ones who make it extra challenging.
I will always be difficult to get to know well.
I will always wish I was a superhero with special ass-kicking powers.
I will always believe magick is real. Because it is!
I will always run and play.
I will always struggle.
I will always be influenced and changed by the people around me, yet I will always remain true to myself.
I will always wonder what I'm doing here, and what this is all about.
I will always wish for someone to take care of me, yet I will always take care of myself and frequently turn down offers of assistance.
I will always appreciate the lessons I've learned, even those that are painful.
I will always try.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Alone
I think the universe wanted me to be alone last night.
The "happy birthday" greetings stopped rolling in by about 3pm.
All of my friends had other plans for the evening.
I had no photo ID, so I couldn't go out.
Nobody called, nobody texted.
My fucking computer wouldn't start up, so I couldn't even get online. No Blogger, MySpace, WoW, email, or instant messenger.
Nothing.
I can't remember the last time I felt so alone.
All of this came after I'd heard from my 2 childhood best friends and 3 out of my 4 ex-boyfriends during the day. The two best friends are off pursuing their dreams -- one is in grad school in NYC, and the other has her own band in Atlanta. Two of the three ex's are happily married, and the third has been in a relationship for over a year. The fourth whom I didn't hear from is away on his honeymoon right now.
And guess who didn't call, text, or email?
That's right. The pharmacist. Gotta love that guy.
It puts things into perspective, especially when you're already feeling lonely. The thoughts of "what the fuck have I done with my life lately?" begin to set in, and it all spirals wildly downhill from there.
I started to get really depressed. The last thing I wanted on my birthday was to be alone for the entire evening. In fact, what I really wanted most of all was to have a companion hold me at night. But of course, my most recent chance at that didn't work out. Stupid pharmacist.
So I lit some candles, said my nightly prayer to the universe, curled up on the couch with a fuzzy blanket and two purring cats, and watched Donnie Darko by myself. Then I cried. Then I wondered why this was the plan for me tonight. Why couldn't my plan be with other people? Or better yet, with that one special person?
After much pondering and staring into the candle light, I decided if this is how it's meant to be, then I have to accept it. There must be some reason why, there must be a lesson I need to learn here.
So mote it be.
As I climbed into bed for the night, I told myself, tomorrow is a new day with new opportunities. I'm supposed to go out with my coworkers for drinks, so maybe I'll meet somebody new, or at the very least, have a lot of good laughs.
Welcome to Scorpio, people.
p.s. Never, ever in my life have I worried about looking fat. Not once. But I swear to the gods, my new driver's license photo makes me look fat. Seriously! And I have to live with it for the next 8 years.
Lame.
The "happy birthday" greetings stopped rolling in by about 3pm.
All of my friends had other plans for the evening.
I had no photo ID, so I couldn't go out.
Nobody called, nobody texted.
My fucking computer wouldn't start up, so I couldn't even get online. No Blogger, MySpace, WoW, email, or instant messenger.
Nothing.
I can't remember the last time I felt so alone.
All of this came after I'd heard from my 2 childhood best friends and 3 out of my 4 ex-boyfriends during the day. The two best friends are off pursuing their dreams -- one is in grad school in NYC, and the other has her own band in Atlanta. Two of the three ex's are happily married, and the third has been in a relationship for over a year. The fourth whom I didn't hear from is away on his honeymoon right now.
And guess who didn't call, text, or email?
That's right. The pharmacist. Gotta love that guy.
It puts things into perspective, especially when you're already feeling lonely. The thoughts of "what the fuck have I done with my life lately?" begin to set in, and it all spirals wildly downhill from there.
I started to get really depressed. The last thing I wanted on my birthday was to be alone for the entire evening. In fact, what I really wanted most of all was to have a companion hold me at night. But of course, my most recent chance at that didn't work out. Stupid pharmacist.
So I lit some candles, said my nightly prayer to the universe, curled up on the couch with a fuzzy blanket and two purring cats, and watched Donnie Darko by myself. Then I cried. Then I wondered why this was the plan for me tonight. Why couldn't my plan be with other people? Or better yet, with that one special person?
After much pondering and staring into the candle light, I decided if this is how it's meant to be, then I have to accept it. There must be some reason why, there must be a lesson I need to learn here.
So mote it be.
As I climbed into bed for the night, I told myself, tomorrow is a new day with new opportunities. I'm supposed to go out with my coworkers for drinks, so maybe I'll meet somebody new, or at the very least, have a lot of good laughs.
Welcome to Scorpio, people.
p.s. Never, ever in my life have I worried about looking fat. Not once. But I swear to the gods, my new driver's license photo makes me look fat. Seriously! And I have to live with it for the next 8 years.
Lame.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
It's My Birthday...
... and that means my driver's license expires today. The state of Oregon now requires a birth certificate and social security card in order to renew. Something about preventing illegal immigrants from obtaining driver's licenses.
I looked EVERYWHERE, but I could not find my birth certificate. I found absolutely everything else, including the title to my car, my SAT scores, and the scores from my original driving exam.
I ordered a new birth certificate but didn't expect it to arrive in time. I went to the DMV early this morning and got a temporary license, which does not come with a photo, so I can't use it as ID. This made me very sad because I have plans to go out later this week, but I can't go anyplace where they'll card me because I have no photo ID!
After I got to work, I got a phone call from UPS saying that my new birth certificate will be delivered today! I got all excited about getting my license right away until I found out that the DMV no longer hands out licenses on the day you apply for them. Whether I renewed it before the expiration date or not, they would still issue me a temporary license, and I would have to wait for my new license to arrive in the mail. So no matter what, I will still go for several days without photo ID.
How stupid is this?
First of all, I found out that ANYONE can obtain my birth certificate because it's considered public record. When I filled out the form to get a copy from the state, I was not asked to identify myself in any way. All I have to do is provide enough information about the person on the certificate so they can look it up. So how reliable is this as a secure form of identification?
Secondly, isn't it more expensive and less secure to put my new driver's license in the mail, rather than just handing it to me in person? Now they have to pay someone to stuff envelopes, pay the cost of shipping, and someone could easily steal it out of the mail. And what are people supposed to do if their driver's license is their only form of photo ID? Everyone in the state will have to go for several days without ID because Oregon takes away your old license and makes you wait for the mail to get your new one.
It doesn't make much sense to me. I understand that they want to keep illegals from getting a license, but this is just stupid. Too much bloated government regulation. I miss the old days where you walked in, filled out the form, took your photo, and they handed you a license on your way out the door.
I looked EVERYWHERE, but I could not find my birth certificate. I found absolutely everything else, including the title to my car, my SAT scores, and the scores from my original driving exam.
I ordered a new birth certificate but didn't expect it to arrive in time. I went to the DMV early this morning and got a temporary license, which does not come with a photo, so I can't use it as ID. This made me very sad because I have plans to go out later this week, but I can't go anyplace where they'll card me because I have no photo ID!
After I got to work, I got a phone call from UPS saying that my new birth certificate will be delivered today! I got all excited about getting my license right away until I found out that the DMV no longer hands out licenses on the day you apply for them. Whether I renewed it before the expiration date or not, they would still issue me a temporary license, and I would have to wait for my new license to arrive in the mail. So no matter what, I will still go for several days without photo ID.
How stupid is this?
First of all, I found out that ANYONE can obtain my birth certificate because it's considered public record. When I filled out the form to get a copy from the state, I was not asked to identify myself in any way. All I have to do is provide enough information about the person on the certificate so they can look it up. So how reliable is this as a secure form of identification?
Secondly, isn't it more expensive and less secure to put my new driver's license in the mail, rather than just handing it to me in person? Now they have to pay someone to stuff envelopes, pay the cost of shipping, and someone could easily steal it out of the mail. And what are people supposed to do if their driver's license is their only form of photo ID? Everyone in the state will have to go for several days without ID because Oregon takes away your old license and makes you wait for the mail to get your new one.
It doesn't make much sense to me. I understand that they want to keep illegals from getting a license, but this is just stupid. Too much bloated government regulation. I miss the old days where you walked in, filled out the form, took your photo, and they handed you a license on your way out the door.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Anxiety
My panic attack at the casino has made me realize exactly how much anxiety I've been experiencing in the last couple of months. I haven't wanted to acknowledge it as a long term problem. I keep thinking it's just stress, and it will pass when my stress level is reduced. But in reality, this has been ongoing for quite a while now, particularly at work, and it's had more of a negative impact on my performance than I'd like to admit. Maybe it also has something to do with my freaking out about things with the pharmacist.
I've been considering going back on medication. I really don't want to, because it's a long term commitment and a slippery slope. Last time I was on meds, my doctor had me on a veritable pill buffet - multiple antidepressants plus generic ritalin. It was horrible. I don't want that again.
I feel upset with myself for not being more in control. I haven't had to take medication for about 4 years. It's been a pretty decent run, up until the last few months when things have become extra stressful, with work and boys and family. I feel so overwhelmed. On some days I just sit at my desk with a racing heart and a knot in the pit of my stomach, and I don't know what to do or how to make it better.
So I don't know... I still haven't decided on the best course of action. I just know that something needs to change because I can't keep this up much longer.
I've been considering going back on medication. I really don't want to, because it's a long term commitment and a slippery slope. Last time I was on meds, my doctor had me on a veritable pill buffet - multiple antidepressants plus generic ritalin. It was horrible. I don't want that again.
I feel upset with myself for not being more in control. I haven't had to take medication for about 4 years. It's been a pretty decent run, up until the last few months when things have become extra stressful, with work and boys and family. I feel so overwhelmed. On some days I just sit at my desk with a racing heart and a knot in the pit of my stomach, and I don't know what to do or how to make it better.
So I don't know... I still haven't decided on the best course of action. I just know that something needs to change because I can't keep this up much longer.
Friday, October 17, 2008
Flashback
Last night's casino trip was terrible.
I pulled into the parking lot, and guess who's car was sitting right there in the spot diagonally across from mine?
The pharmacist's.
Goddammit, I thought to myself. Then I had a small anxiety attack. What if I see him? (I already know I will.) What if he looks at me? What if he tries to talk to me? What if I get the urge to talk to him? What if...
Ok, just calm down. Breathe. Bathroom first, then blackjack table.
As I approach the tables, I look to see where the pharmacist is -- sitting on first base at the single deck table, exactly where I expected him to be. I look to see where the $5 and $10 tables are. Both tables are directly across the pit from the pharmacist, which means no matter where I sit, we'll be able to see each other. Damn it all.
$5 table is full, so I pick a seat at first base at the $10 table. My back is just barely to the pharmacist, but I can still see him out of the corner of my eye. Don't know if he's seen me, hopefully not.
As I sat there watching the cards being dealt, I tried very, very hard to focus on what I was doing and pretend that it's just like any other night at the casino. But I failed so miserably. The anxiety totally controlled me. I got cold, I broke into a sweat, my body trembled, my heart raced, my head flooded with thoughts.
I had to leave the table.
I went and sat in the lobby for a while. Saw a guy I know from the university where I used to work. Stared at the big coyote banners and the photographs of the tribal council members. I sipped some water. With a poker chip burning a hole in my pocket, eventually I worked up enough courage to go back to the tables and try again.
Ok, just calm down. Breathe. Bathroom first, then blackjack table.
As I approached the tables a second time, I noticed another $5 table I hadn't see before, on a different pit than the others. That's perfect, I thought. We won't be able to see each other at all. So I took a seat, but it was quickly apparent that this was a not a good table for me. The cards were awful. The people around me were making bad hits. Everyone was losing. At the shuffle, three younger looking guys sat down and began chatting amongst themselves.
"Just sit and watch for a few hands."
"Why? It's just blackjack. How hard can it be?"
"Do you hit on a 15 or 16?"
Shit, I thought. They have no idea what they're doing. That means more bad hits, and more losing hands for everybody at this table.
So I colored up and left. Went back to the first $5 table, where there was now a seat open... but it was directly across the pit from the single deck table, where the pharmacist was still camped out.
I sat down quickly, and found that if I shifted my body into just the right position, the dealer's head completely blocked my view of the pharmacist. For about 10 minutes, things were good. I focused in, I didn't lose money, I even started to have fun. But then our dealer's shift was over. He stood up to trade places with the new dealer, and I caught a full view of the pharmacist. I looked away immediately. Anxiety set in again. Then I could see him looking at me. Heart racing, body shaking. Is he still looking? I can't look up.
The new dealer sat down. She was short. I could see the pharmacist over her head. And he kept looking. Maybe he was trying to make eye contact, but I wasn't going to let it happen.
Look down. Look at the cards.
Not only was the new dealer short, but she was a noob. She was having trouble counting to 21. That's a problem at a blackjack table. Between catching side glimpses of the pharmacist looking in my direction, and having to count the dealer's cards for her (um... that's 14, not 15), the anxiety mounted into a full panic attack. I lost my money very quickly.
Barely able to walk straight without shaking uncontrollably, I made my way back to the lobby, where I crashed into a worn chair, slumped down, and spent almost an hour trying to talk myself out of a panic.
So cold right now. I wish I could stop shaking. Just calm down. Stop thinking about it. Oh shit, someone's coming near me - is it him? What if he walked up right now? Shit. Stop thinking about it. Focus on the coyote banners. You're going to be fine. I can't drive like this. I can't even see straight right now. What am I going to do? What the fuck is wrong with me? Why is this happening?
Then it hit me.
I was having a flashback.
Suddenly memories and emotions drenched my entire body as I recalled what happened to me more than 10 years ago. I spent so much time dealing with this issue, trying to overcome it, trying to trust people in spite of it. I thought I had been successful, but obviously it still haunts me in some way, because here I am, sitting in the lobby of the casino, completely unable to move except for the shaking of my body.
When I was in college, I was in an abusive relationship. Just verbally and emotionally abusive at first. When it turned physically abusive, I called the police immediately. He was arrested. The school intervened. We weren't allowed to be near each other, which was pretty tough because we had the same major, had similar schedules, were in several of the same classes. It got worse when the county decided to press charges against him. I would see him from across the courtyard, and he would scream at me, call me names, threaten me, in front of anyone and everyone who happened to be passing by. I was terrified of crossing paths with him at night. I was terrified of going anywhere alone. Eventually I got so scared that I just stopped going to class. I stopped eating. I stopped everything. I just stayed in bed all day, for weeks and weeks.
This is what started all the physical problems I have now. My bad digestion, my back problems. My little anxiety attacks. I can trace it all back to this series of events in college. His abuse completely broke me down, in every way possible.
So why is this coming up now, that I'm sitting here at the casino?
My ex in college used to find the chink in my armor and pick at it until it was a bloody wound. Just like the pharmacist did in that nasty email exchange.
My ex used to tell me that I was mentally ill, that I need to have my head examined, that I had no common sense. Just like the pharmacist did.
My ex would go through extreme changes in behavior and mood. He would adore me one minute, then ignore me the next, and react meanly when I asked him why. Just like the pharmacist.
Shit, how did I not see these similarities before?
But the pharmacist is not an abuser. He would never hurt someone physically, and I don't even think he's even aware of how he hurt me emotionally. He's really just kind of oblivious to other people's emotions, which doesn't make him mean or aggressive like my ex was, it just makes him an idiot.
Nonetheless, I had a similar emotional response to his treatment. He said something in his email that triggered a panic in me. When I have that kind of response, I can't control it. I become irrationally afraid. I need to back out. But when I tried, he kept picking. My ex used to do the same thing, until I was so backed into a corner that I just couldn't function anymore. The pharmacist doesn't know it, but he shut me down.
And afterwards, the idea of seeing him somewhere makes me feel all the same fear and anxiety I used to get when I'd see my ex. I never knew what he was going to do. Would he just pass by me without looking at me or saying anything? Or would he scream at me? Call me names? Grab me? Or worse... would he approach me and try to talk? Try to talk me out of being angry at him? Try to tell me I don't know what really happened, that I'm just confused, that I'm mentally ill?
This is what happened to me at the casino last night. Old fears that haven't been a problem for me in a long time decided to come out and play. The thought of seeing the pharmacist brought up a shit storm of panic and confusion.
As soon as I realized what was happening to me, I realized that I had to deal with it right then and there. I couldn't let it control me, the way I'd let my ex control me, all those years ago. Because in reality, the pharmacist is not my ex. He's not anything like my ex. Yeah, he said some similar things because he's an asshole. But he's not controlling, he's not aggressive, and he doesn't give a shit where I am right now. He's not trying to keep me away from certain places like my ex used to do. He's not getting angry because he can see me. He's just sitting there, minding his own business. He's made no attempt to talk to me. The only thing that's still weird is that our cars are parked right next to each other, and I really don't want to see him in the parking lot. But what are the chances of that happening? And even if it does, so what? He doesn't control me, I control myself. I don't have to talk to him, or even look at him.
By now, I had a handle on things. I still had some anxiety, but the worst of the panic was over. I just needed to decide what to do.
I had $20 left, but decided it wasn't worth it to limp into another game. It was almost 1:00am. I was tired.
Ok, just calm down. Breathe. Bathroom first, then parking lot. And hope to hell that the pharmacist doesn't decide to leave at the same time.
It was cold and foggy outside. I walked as quickly as I could to my car. His was still sitting there, all fogged up. I got in my car, cranked up the defroster, turned up the music, put my jacket and gloves on, then took a few minutes to right myself while the car was warming up.
Then I left.
No more panic, just drive home, and try to stay awake.
I made it.
I pulled into the parking lot, and guess who's car was sitting right there in the spot diagonally across from mine?
The pharmacist's.
Goddammit, I thought to myself. Then I had a small anxiety attack. What if I see him? (I already know I will.) What if he looks at me? What if he tries to talk to me? What if I get the urge to talk to him? What if...
Ok, just calm down. Breathe. Bathroom first, then blackjack table.
As I approach the tables, I look to see where the pharmacist is -- sitting on first base at the single deck table, exactly where I expected him to be. I look to see where the $5 and $10 tables are. Both tables are directly across the pit from the pharmacist, which means no matter where I sit, we'll be able to see each other. Damn it all.
$5 table is full, so I pick a seat at first base at the $10 table. My back is just barely to the pharmacist, but I can still see him out of the corner of my eye. Don't know if he's seen me, hopefully not.
As I sat there watching the cards being dealt, I tried very, very hard to focus on what I was doing and pretend that it's just like any other night at the casino. But I failed so miserably. The anxiety totally controlled me. I got cold, I broke into a sweat, my body trembled, my heart raced, my head flooded with thoughts.
I had to leave the table.
I went and sat in the lobby for a while. Saw a guy I know from the university where I used to work. Stared at the big coyote banners and the photographs of the tribal council members. I sipped some water. With a poker chip burning a hole in my pocket, eventually I worked up enough courage to go back to the tables and try again.
Ok, just calm down. Breathe. Bathroom first, then blackjack table.
As I approached the tables a second time, I noticed another $5 table I hadn't see before, on a different pit than the others. That's perfect, I thought. We won't be able to see each other at all. So I took a seat, but it was quickly apparent that this was a not a good table for me. The cards were awful. The people around me were making bad hits. Everyone was losing. At the shuffle, three younger looking guys sat down and began chatting amongst themselves.
"Just sit and watch for a few hands."
"Why? It's just blackjack. How hard can it be?"
"Do you hit on a 15 or 16?"
Shit, I thought. They have no idea what they're doing. That means more bad hits, and more losing hands for everybody at this table.
So I colored up and left. Went back to the first $5 table, where there was now a seat open... but it was directly across the pit from the single deck table, where the pharmacist was still camped out.
I sat down quickly, and found that if I shifted my body into just the right position, the dealer's head completely blocked my view of the pharmacist. For about 10 minutes, things were good. I focused in, I didn't lose money, I even started to have fun. But then our dealer's shift was over. He stood up to trade places with the new dealer, and I caught a full view of the pharmacist. I looked away immediately. Anxiety set in again. Then I could see him looking at me. Heart racing, body shaking. Is he still looking? I can't look up.
The new dealer sat down. She was short. I could see the pharmacist over her head. And he kept looking. Maybe he was trying to make eye contact, but I wasn't going to let it happen.
Look down. Look at the cards.
Not only was the new dealer short, but she was a noob. She was having trouble counting to 21. That's a problem at a blackjack table. Between catching side glimpses of the pharmacist looking in my direction, and having to count the dealer's cards for her (um... that's 14, not 15), the anxiety mounted into a full panic attack. I lost my money very quickly.
Barely able to walk straight without shaking uncontrollably, I made my way back to the lobby, where I crashed into a worn chair, slumped down, and spent almost an hour trying to talk myself out of a panic.
So cold right now. I wish I could stop shaking. Just calm down. Stop thinking about it. Oh shit, someone's coming near me - is it him? What if he walked up right now? Shit. Stop thinking about it. Focus on the coyote banners. You're going to be fine. I can't drive like this. I can't even see straight right now. What am I going to do? What the fuck is wrong with me? Why is this happening?
Then it hit me.
I was having a flashback.
Suddenly memories and emotions drenched my entire body as I recalled what happened to me more than 10 years ago. I spent so much time dealing with this issue, trying to overcome it, trying to trust people in spite of it. I thought I had been successful, but obviously it still haunts me in some way, because here I am, sitting in the lobby of the casino, completely unable to move except for the shaking of my body.
When I was in college, I was in an abusive relationship. Just verbally and emotionally abusive at first. When it turned physically abusive, I called the police immediately. He was arrested. The school intervened. We weren't allowed to be near each other, which was pretty tough because we had the same major, had similar schedules, were in several of the same classes. It got worse when the county decided to press charges against him. I would see him from across the courtyard, and he would scream at me, call me names, threaten me, in front of anyone and everyone who happened to be passing by. I was terrified of crossing paths with him at night. I was terrified of going anywhere alone. Eventually I got so scared that I just stopped going to class. I stopped eating. I stopped everything. I just stayed in bed all day, for weeks and weeks.
This is what started all the physical problems I have now. My bad digestion, my back problems. My little anxiety attacks. I can trace it all back to this series of events in college. His abuse completely broke me down, in every way possible.
So why is this coming up now, that I'm sitting here at the casino?
My ex in college used to find the chink in my armor and pick at it until it was a bloody wound. Just like the pharmacist did in that nasty email exchange.
My ex used to tell me that I was mentally ill, that I need to have my head examined, that I had no common sense. Just like the pharmacist did.
My ex would go through extreme changes in behavior and mood. He would adore me one minute, then ignore me the next, and react meanly when I asked him why. Just like the pharmacist.
Shit, how did I not see these similarities before?
But the pharmacist is not an abuser. He would never hurt someone physically, and I don't even think he's even aware of how he hurt me emotionally. He's really just kind of oblivious to other people's emotions, which doesn't make him mean or aggressive like my ex was, it just makes him an idiot.
Nonetheless, I had a similar emotional response to his treatment. He said something in his email that triggered a panic in me. When I have that kind of response, I can't control it. I become irrationally afraid. I need to back out. But when I tried, he kept picking. My ex used to do the same thing, until I was so backed into a corner that I just couldn't function anymore. The pharmacist doesn't know it, but he shut me down.
And afterwards, the idea of seeing him somewhere makes me feel all the same fear and anxiety I used to get when I'd see my ex. I never knew what he was going to do. Would he just pass by me without looking at me or saying anything? Or would he scream at me? Call me names? Grab me? Or worse... would he approach me and try to talk? Try to talk me out of being angry at him? Try to tell me I don't know what really happened, that I'm just confused, that I'm mentally ill?
This is what happened to me at the casino last night. Old fears that haven't been a problem for me in a long time decided to come out and play. The thought of seeing the pharmacist brought up a shit storm of panic and confusion.
As soon as I realized what was happening to me, I realized that I had to deal with it right then and there. I couldn't let it control me, the way I'd let my ex control me, all those years ago. Because in reality, the pharmacist is not my ex. He's not anything like my ex. Yeah, he said some similar things because he's an asshole. But he's not controlling, he's not aggressive, and he doesn't give a shit where I am right now. He's not trying to keep me away from certain places like my ex used to do. He's not getting angry because he can see me. He's just sitting there, minding his own business. He's made no attempt to talk to me. The only thing that's still weird is that our cars are parked right next to each other, and I really don't want to see him in the parking lot. But what are the chances of that happening? And even if it does, so what? He doesn't control me, I control myself. I don't have to talk to him, or even look at him.
By now, I had a handle on things. I still had some anxiety, but the worst of the panic was over. I just needed to decide what to do.
I had $20 left, but decided it wasn't worth it to limp into another game. It was almost 1:00am. I was tired.
Ok, just calm down. Breathe. Bathroom first, then parking lot. And hope to hell that the pharmacist doesn't decide to leave at the same time.
It was cold and foggy outside. I walked as quickly as I could to my car. His was still sitting there, all fogged up. I got in my car, cranked up the defroster, turned up the music, put my jacket and gloves on, then took a few minutes to right myself while the car was warming up.
Then I left.
No more panic, just drive home, and try to stay awake.
I made it.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
All Kinds of Weirdness
Another long, rambly post.
This has been such a strange and complicated week, both personally in terms of dealing with my own confusing thoughts and emotions, and socially in terms of interesting and unexpected interactions with the people around me.
The Weezer concert last Thursday was fucking awesome, but almost completely overshadowed by frustrations with the pharmacist immediately afterward.
There was the awkward break-up, and two nasty email exchanges. I've been all mixed up about it. Even though I'm very angry at the pharmacist for the way he's treated me, I really liked him a lot at one point and was almost ready to upgrade him to full boyfriend status. I can't just switch that off because we had a bad interaction. It bothers me a lot that things came so close to being good, then turned so quickly and drastically bad. I keep trying to understand how and why, but I can't wrap my head around it.
I've had some really interesting nights out with my friend -- she's becoming like my big sister. We cried at a chick flick together, we've counseled each other on our respective boy dilemmas, we've been each other's life line in times of emotional crisis, and last night I was her wingman, helping her get the hook-up with a hot guy we met at the bar. It's weird having a supportive, trustworthy female friend. I haven't had very many in my life.
I heard from both of my long distance friends this week, just out of the blue. And I had a really fun conversation on the phone with the boy, who will be home from training in just over 3 weeks.
Work has been crazy busy, and I've had difficulty being consistently productive. On some days, I'm so distracted and dysfunctional, and on others, I'm focused and driven. Everyone in my department seems to be having similar trouble and consequently we're way behind on our current project. I'm so overwhelmed and stressed out. We will miss our deadline if we don't do something about it, but so far nobody has addressed the problem. We have more work than we can possibly complete in the allotted time frame. This can't go on much longer before the shit hits the fan.
I'm going to the casino by myself tonight. Initially, I planned this night for the pharmacist and I, knowing that he has tomorrow off work. I also planned tomorrow's birthday party for the same reason. I feel strange about my plans for this weekend because I meant for them to involve him, but now we're not speaking to each other.
My friend is letting me have the party at her house so we can play Rockband. The pharmacist and I had designated her house as neutral territory because we both go to parties there. He always comes over for Rockband, and he owns the cowbell that we always play with. (I gotta have more cowbell!) He always brings yo-yos, and we all play with them while we're standing outside during smoke breaks. It'll be weird not having him there this time. It will feel like something is missing.
But at the same time, if he does come, it won't be good. My friend will want to beat him down because of how he treated me, and I won't be able to interact with him unless we talk and he apologizes. I think he's too stubborn to apologize. I'm not even sure if he understands that he hurt me. He's so clueless.
He probably won't show up, and we'll just go on with our drinking and Rockband.
On Saturday, I've got tickets to see Stereolab play in Portland, but by then I will have had a string of late nights and I might be too tired to go. Especially since I'm going by myself. It's hard to get motivated for an hour-long drive each way when you're tired and have no one to keep you company.
I guess I've been feeling lonely in general, even though I've hardly been alone during the last week. I've been out with my friend a lot, and I've been working long hours. But I still have those good memories of the pharmacist holding me at night, and I miss that. Now that I'm talking to the boy on the phone more often, I think about the time I spent with him before he left for training, and I miss that too. I keep getting these little tastes of companionship and then having them snatched away. They're all lessons, and I'm trying to learn as much from them as I can, but honestly, each one leaves me feeling more empty afterwards.
My friend has all kinds of guys popping out of the woodwork right now. Part of me doesn't understand how she can do it, because I have an incredibly hard time getting involved with someone without wanting to focus all my attention on that one person. Another part of me is a bit envious because she has so many options. She can get companionship whenever she wants it. When she wants someone to hold her at night, when she wants sex, when she wants a date to take her out somewhere, all she has to do is pick up the phone and dial the guy of her choice. Of course, it's not the committed long-term companionship that she really wants, but at least she's looking for someone who can give her that eventually.
Sometimes I wish I could go back to not feeling anything. It was so easy to be emotionless and shut everything out. But now that the floodgates are open, I can't close them again. It's still foreign to me, all this emotion, after having been turned off for so long. Maybe that's why everything feels so weird right now -- because I can feel everything, and now I remember what it's like to feel hurt, to feel anger, to feel loneliness.
All I really want is to feel loved. I miss that most of all.
This has been such a strange and complicated week, both personally in terms of dealing with my own confusing thoughts and emotions, and socially in terms of interesting and unexpected interactions with the people around me.
The Weezer concert last Thursday was fucking awesome, but almost completely overshadowed by frustrations with the pharmacist immediately afterward.
There was the awkward break-up, and two nasty email exchanges. I've been all mixed up about it. Even though I'm very angry at the pharmacist for the way he's treated me, I really liked him a lot at one point and was almost ready to upgrade him to full boyfriend status. I can't just switch that off because we had a bad interaction. It bothers me a lot that things came so close to being good, then turned so quickly and drastically bad. I keep trying to understand how and why, but I can't wrap my head around it.
I've had some really interesting nights out with my friend -- she's becoming like my big sister. We cried at a chick flick together, we've counseled each other on our respective boy dilemmas, we've been each other's life line in times of emotional crisis, and last night I was her wingman, helping her get the hook-up with a hot guy we met at the bar. It's weird having a supportive, trustworthy female friend. I haven't had very many in my life.
I heard from both of my long distance friends this week, just out of the blue. And I had a really fun conversation on the phone with the boy, who will be home from training in just over 3 weeks.
Work has been crazy busy, and I've had difficulty being consistently productive. On some days, I'm so distracted and dysfunctional, and on others, I'm focused and driven. Everyone in my department seems to be having similar trouble and consequently we're way behind on our current project. I'm so overwhelmed and stressed out. We will miss our deadline if we don't do something about it, but so far nobody has addressed the problem. We have more work than we can possibly complete in the allotted time frame. This can't go on much longer before the shit hits the fan.
I'm going to the casino by myself tonight. Initially, I planned this night for the pharmacist and I, knowing that he has tomorrow off work. I also planned tomorrow's birthday party for the same reason. I feel strange about my plans for this weekend because I meant for them to involve him, but now we're not speaking to each other.
My friend is letting me have the party at her house so we can play Rockband. The pharmacist and I had designated her house as neutral territory because we both go to parties there. He always comes over for Rockband, and he owns the cowbell that we always play with. (I gotta have more cowbell!) He always brings yo-yos, and we all play with them while we're standing outside during smoke breaks. It'll be weird not having him there this time. It will feel like something is missing.
But at the same time, if he does come, it won't be good. My friend will want to beat him down because of how he treated me, and I won't be able to interact with him unless we talk and he apologizes. I think he's too stubborn to apologize. I'm not even sure if he understands that he hurt me. He's so clueless.
He probably won't show up, and we'll just go on with our drinking and Rockband.
On Saturday, I've got tickets to see Stereolab play in Portland, but by then I will have had a string of late nights and I might be too tired to go. Especially since I'm going by myself. It's hard to get motivated for an hour-long drive each way when you're tired and have no one to keep you company.
I guess I've been feeling lonely in general, even though I've hardly been alone during the last week. I've been out with my friend a lot, and I've been working long hours. But I still have those good memories of the pharmacist holding me at night, and I miss that. Now that I'm talking to the boy on the phone more often, I think about the time I spent with him before he left for training, and I miss that too. I keep getting these little tastes of companionship and then having them snatched away. They're all lessons, and I'm trying to learn as much from them as I can, but honestly, each one leaves me feeling more empty afterwards.
My friend has all kinds of guys popping out of the woodwork right now. Part of me doesn't understand how she can do it, because I have an incredibly hard time getting involved with someone without wanting to focus all my attention on that one person. Another part of me is a bit envious because she has so many options. She can get companionship whenever she wants it. When she wants someone to hold her at night, when she wants sex, when she wants a date to take her out somewhere, all she has to do is pick up the phone and dial the guy of her choice. Of course, it's not the committed long-term companionship that she really wants, but at least she's looking for someone who can give her that eventually.
Sometimes I wish I could go back to not feeling anything. It was so easy to be emotionless and shut everything out. But now that the floodgates are open, I can't close them again. It's still foreign to me, all this emotion, after having been turned off for so long. Maybe that's why everything feels so weird right now -- because I can feel everything, and now I remember what it's like to feel hurt, to feel anger, to feel loneliness.
All I really want is to feel loved. I miss that most of all.
Monday, October 13, 2008
You Don't Know Me At All
I made the mistake of analyzing my recent break-up in the form of an email message to the pharmacist. I already referenced this in a comment on my last post -- it prompted the song lyrics.
Yeah, okay, so I probably should've saved the picking apart and tearing down for my blog where it belongs. But still.
His reply to my email made me extremely angry. Among other things, he outright told me that we're not compatible (duh - that point was never in question), and that I need to stop analyzing it. Hence the song -- "You don't know me at all."
Um, hello?!
Anyone who knows me, and anyone who's ever read this blog knows that I analyze the FUCK out of everything. That's what I do. It's how I process things. It's who I am!
If he hasn't figured that out by now, and if he's not capable of accepting it, then he's absolutely right -- we're not compatible.
It was like a direct and personal attack on my character, on what makes me me. Bashing my music was one thing, but this...
I took my anger and channeled it into my exercise class. My coworkers were chattering and goofing off as usual, but I blocked them out. I was focused and solid. In my head I screamed obscenities while my body shuddered under the pain of being pushed to the limit. I kicked some serious ass. I felt so strong and energetic afterwards.
Then I channeled that energy into my project at work, and I kicked ass at that too. Without coffee, even! I worked until it was dark outside, until my stomach was empty, until I realized I was the only one left in the building.
Before I locked up to go home, I read his email again. This time, instead of feeling hurt and angry, I just laughed at the sheer ridiculousness of it. "Stop analyzing it," he said.
As if!
Wow. You really have no idea who I am. It's a shame, really, but it's your loss, not mine.
Thank you, pharmacist, for making me angry - it was exactly what I needed. Thank you for pointing out the negative qualities I overlooked because I liked you. And lastly, thank you for reassuring me that I made the right decision by putting a stop to it all. You have served your ex-boyfriend duties admirably. Shit, if you had been this straightforward while we were dating, I might not have been so confused the whole time! Ah, but hindsight...
This morning I thought about asking to borrow a pair of Sister Midnite's ass-kicking boots, or Jennicula's tall spikey heels, but at the end of the day, I did just fine in my old beat-up Converse. As it turns out, even flat, worn, rubber soles can be used to squish somebody's face into the pavement.
Whoops! Was that your eye? Bummer.
And now I've got one more credential to add to the list when I'm praying to the universe:
I want a boy who will accept my need to analyze things. Extra bonus points if he'll hang out and listen. Even double if he'll help me talk through it.
Yep, I'm going to be just fine.
Yeah, okay, so I probably should've saved the picking apart and tearing down for my blog where it belongs. But still.
His reply to my email made me extremely angry. Among other things, he outright told me that we're not compatible (duh - that point was never in question), and that I need to stop analyzing it. Hence the song -- "You don't know me at all."
Um, hello?!
Anyone who knows me, and anyone who's ever read this blog knows that I analyze the FUCK out of everything. That's what I do. It's how I process things. It's who I am!
If he hasn't figured that out by now, and if he's not capable of accepting it, then he's absolutely right -- we're not compatible.
It was like a direct and personal attack on my character, on what makes me me. Bashing my music was one thing, but this...
I took my anger and channeled it into my exercise class. My coworkers were chattering and goofing off as usual, but I blocked them out. I was focused and solid. In my head I screamed obscenities while my body shuddered under the pain of being pushed to the limit. I kicked some serious ass. I felt so strong and energetic afterwards.
Then I channeled that energy into my project at work, and I kicked ass at that too. Without coffee, even! I worked until it was dark outside, until my stomach was empty, until I realized I was the only one left in the building.
Before I locked up to go home, I read his email again. This time, instead of feeling hurt and angry, I just laughed at the sheer ridiculousness of it. "Stop analyzing it," he said.
As if!
Wow. You really have no idea who I am. It's a shame, really, but it's your loss, not mine.
Thank you, pharmacist, for making me angry - it was exactly what I needed. Thank you for pointing out the negative qualities I overlooked because I liked you. And lastly, thank you for reassuring me that I made the right decision by putting a stop to it all. You have served your ex-boyfriend duties admirably. Shit, if you had been this straightforward while we were dating, I might not have been so confused the whole time! Ah, but hindsight...
This morning I thought about asking to borrow a pair of Sister Midnite's ass-kicking boots, or Jennicula's tall spikey heels, but at the end of the day, I did just fine in my old beat-up Converse. As it turns out, even flat, worn, rubber soles can be used to squish somebody's face into the pavement.
Whoops! Was that your eye? Bummer.
And now I've got one more credential to add to the list when I'm praying to the universe:
I want a boy who will accept my need to analyze things. Extra bonus points if he'll hang out and listen. Even double if he'll help me talk through it.
Yep, I'm going to be just fine.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
So Ends Another Chapter
It's done.
I broke up with the pharmacist last night.
I could go on all day about how it makes me feel, but suffice to say that I am angry, sad, hurt, disappointed, and a bit depressed. I really like him a lot. But I knew it wasn't meant to last, so I just need to accept it for what it is and move on.
I told him we can't be friends either. It would be too hard for me to put my feelings aside. I would always get excited when he calls, or feel let down when he doesn't. I can't go through that. He is still coming to my birthday party next week, because I don't feel right taking away his invitation, but after that I won't see him again.
I will be pulling most of my posts about him, just because I don't want to look at them for a while. I'll keep them tucked away as drafts for later review.
So that's that.
On a related note, the boy has informed me that he will be back in exactly 26 days. I'm half excited and half in denial. I don't want a repeat of what just happened.
It's funny, at one point I prayed to the universe: "I want a boy to hold me at night."
And I got the boy, who was way young and was leaving in days.
So I prayed again: "I want a boy who's my age and isn't leaving right away to hold me at night."
And I got the pharmacist, who just simply isn't ready for any kind of commitment whatsoever, even of the most casual variety.
How specific do I have to make it this time? "I want a boy who's my age, who isn't going anywhere, who's ready for commitment, who likes me and has the potential to love me, who I can love in return, who's willing to fight for me, who will hold me at night, every night, for the rest of our lives."
You think that'll do it?
[sigh]
I feel lonely again.
I broke up with the pharmacist last night.
I could go on all day about how it makes me feel, but suffice to say that I am angry, sad, hurt, disappointed, and a bit depressed. I really like him a lot. But I knew it wasn't meant to last, so I just need to accept it for what it is and move on.
I told him we can't be friends either. It would be too hard for me to put my feelings aside. I would always get excited when he calls, or feel let down when he doesn't. I can't go through that. He is still coming to my birthday party next week, because I don't feel right taking away his invitation, but after that I won't see him again.
I will be pulling most of my posts about him, just because I don't want to look at them for a while. I'll keep them tucked away as drafts for later review.
So that's that.
On a related note, the boy has informed me that he will be back in exactly 26 days. I'm half excited and half in denial. I don't want a repeat of what just happened.
It's funny, at one point I prayed to the universe: "I want a boy to hold me at night."
And I got the boy, who was way young and was leaving in days.
So I prayed again: "I want a boy who's my age and isn't leaving right away to hold me at night."
And I got the pharmacist, who just simply isn't ready for any kind of commitment whatsoever, even of the most casual variety.
How specific do I have to make it this time? "I want a boy who's my age, who isn't going anywhere, who's ready for commitment, who likes me and has the potential to love me, who I can love in return, who's willing to fight for me, who will hold me at night, every night, for the rest of our lives."
You think that'll do it?
[sigh]
I feel lonely again.
Monday, October 6, 2008
Too Much
Fuck it.
I'm running.
You can find me lurking in the dungeon with the vampires, where I belong.
I'm running.
You can find me lurking in the dungeon with the vampires, where I belong.
The Heart Of The Matter
My last post was necessary -- I needed to vent and organize my thoughts. Now that I've slept on it, I've come to the conclusion that all those little issues are irrelevant without an answer to one big question:
Is it worthwhile to spend the time and effort to fix something that's broken when you know it's not going to last anyway?
Here's the problem. The pharmacist and I are holding back from one another. We're not communicating about issues that need to be worked out. We're not fully opening up. We both have reservations. If I look past all the little surface problems down to the core of the matter, I think it comes down to two things:
1.) We've both been hurt and damaged by previous long-term relationships that went horribly wrong, and consequently we're both hesitant. (Jennicula hit the nail on the head.)
2.) We both know he's moving away next spring, so we're both avoiding attachment and investment.
Knowing these two things, how on earth do we proceed? Is there really any point in working through the hesitancy caused by past hurt when the relationship is destined to end when he moves away? Or should I hold on to the possibility that if we are successful together, he might not move away? That seems like a dangerous thing to hope for.
I've decided that I do want to talk to him about this, but I'm still not sure of the best way to bring it up. I don't want him to feel like I'm attacking him with this big overwhelming relationship discussion, even though that's pretty much what it is. But if I don't talk about it, I'm either going to bottle up and start stacking the bricks, or run away and completely hide.
At the very least, the relationship I've built with the pharmacist up to this point must be worth at least a discussion, right? Maybe he can help me decide whether it's worth more than that. I'd like to think it is, but it takes two people to have courage in order for that to work. Right now, I'm feeling pretty yellow.
... Time to go to exercise class. Maybe some good endorphins will give me a new perspective.
Is it worthwhile to spend the time and effort to fix something that's broken when you know it's not going to last anyway?
Here's the problem. The pharmacist and I are holding back from one another. We're not communicating about issues that need to be worked out. We're not fully opening up. We both have reservations. If I look past all the little surface problems down to the core of the matter, I think it comes down to two things:
1.) We've both been hurt and damaged by previous long-term relationships that went horribly wrong, and consequently we're both hesitant. (Jennicula hit the nail on the head.)
2.) We both know he's moving away next spring, so we're both avoiding attachment and investment.
Knowing these two things, how on earth do we proceed? Is there really any point in working through the hesitancy caused by past hurt when the relationship is destined to end when he moves away? Or should I hold on to the possibility that if we are successful together, he might not move away? That seems like a dangerous thing to hope for.
I've decided that I do want to talk to him about this, but I'm still not sure of the best way to bring it up. I don't want him to feel like I'm attacking him with this big overwhelming relationship discussion, even though that's pretty much what it is. But if I don't talk about it, I'm either going to bottle up and start stacking the bricks, or run away and completely hide.
At the very least, the relationship I've built with the pharmacist up to this point must be worth at least a discussion, right? Maybe he can help me decide whether it's worth more than that. I'd like to think it is, but it takes two people to have courage in order for that to work. Right now, I'm feeling pretty yellow.
... Time to go to exercise class. Maybe some good endorphins will give me a new perspective.
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