Lunch

I really wanted breakfast for lunch today. I had my heart set on it. But when it came time to decide on an eating destination, I was out-voted. They wanted pizza.

Pizza didn't sound good to me at all. My stomach felt funny and I wanted warming comfort food, not acid and grease. But I grudgingly went along with the majority.

When we arrived at the pizza restaurant, the line was so long that people were standing outside the door. It looked like multiple large groups. Apparently it was "everybody eat pizza for lunch" day. There was no way we could get in and out within our allotted lunch hour. So we bailed.

And went to breakfast.

Isn't it funny how things sometimes work out just the way you want?

I had french toast with a side of bacon, and it was delicious. My tummy was happy. :)

Census, You Suck

Last week the 2010 census form arrived in the mail. I excitedly opened it, looked over the questions, then read the instructions. Then I cried.

The instructions said that I can't count my husband as residing with me because he's overseas with the military and will be counted separately.

Seems like a silly thing to cry over, but the reason why it upset me is because of all the genealogy research I've done over the years. Old census records are some of the best information available about one's ancestors. When I read the instructions I thought, when my great-great-great grandchildren are researching their ancestry, they're going to see a 2010 census record that shows me living alone without my husband. And they may or may not be able to find out why. There's something sad about that.

But genealogy aside, I'm also feeling a bit stubborn. My husband's permanent residence is here. His mail gets delivered here. And in another month, he's coming home. Why can't the census deadline be one month later?

Sigh... I suppose in the grand scheme of things, it really doesn't matter. It's just a form. But it's still hard for me to seal it in an envelope without his name on it. : \

Oh well. At least the title of this blog entry makes me feel a little better. *snicker*

The Return Of An Old Friend

I wandered down the aisle of the freezer section, looking for something sinfully sweet and rich to erase the tensions of a long and frustrating day. I peered through the foggy glass at the selection of Haagen Dazs, looking for my usual go-to fix.

Then I saw it.

An unrequited fantasy I've been clinging to since high school. Something I had learned no longer existed. "Discontinued," the website said. Yet there it was, right in front of me.

Midnight Cookies & Cream!

The very sight of it... I froze into place and let out a gasp as my jaw dropped. How can this be? I thought as I stood and stared, perplexed by the sudden inexplicable appearance of my all-time favorite Haagen Dazs flavor. I was rooted to the spot, blinking in disbelief for at least a full minute before my open-mouthed shock melted into an ear-to-ear grin of joyous satisfaction. Finally.

As I hurried through the store to fill my shopping basket, I couldn't stop smiling. I was openly giggly with delight. The other grocery patrons probably thought I was stoned.

Tonight, before my day is over, I will devour and savor it, in all its chocolaty fudgy excellence.

The Roller Coaster Is Just Getting Started

Last week. For four days straight I was an exhausted, depressed, weepy mess. I stayed home from work on Tuesday. I slept in until almost 2:00pm. I didn't feel better when I got up. I didn't feel better on Wednesday either. Or Thursday. And the entire time I was shuffling around with salt water pouring out of my face, I kept thinking, I don't even know why I'm crying. I just was.

Friday I woke up all chipper and full of energy. I kicked ass at work. I worked late into the evening and I liked it. I got stuff done, and dammit, my code was well designed and bug free. (Take that, sloppy co-workers!)

Saturday was much the same. I woke up at a reasonable time in the morning, I got stuff done around the house, I played WoW. It was a good day. Until Saturday night.

Joey called me on Skype and acted like a complete ass. I don't excuse him for being a jerk (he really was), but my reaction was somewhat disproportionate to the offense. Fortunately I didn't direct it at him, in fact I handled him quite well. It didn't go wrong until afterward, when I crashed head first into a big weepy, mushy mess, all over again. Just from that one interaction!

I cried so hard that it turned into a full-on panic attack. I couldn't stop crying and I couldn't breathe. And again, I was thinking, I don't even know why I'm crying this hard. A few tears were warranted, but sobbing so hard that I'm about to choke on my own tears and suffocate because I can't breathe?

I cried myself to sleep. Next morning, I woke up feeling just fine, as if the sob fest had never happened. Still irritated with Joe, but we talked it out, and I had a pretty decent and productive Sunday. I went to look at a house, and I went back to the house that I already have an offer on. I took loads of pictures of both. I emailed them to Joe. I even tolerated over an hour on the phone with my mom, playing tech support while she signed up for her very first taste of social networking - a shiny new Facebook account.

During the weekend, I became very concerned about my cat, Nina. She's had this cough for the last 6 months. I took her to the vet back in November. She had an x-ray. They noticed she had some stuff in her lungs and her heart was a little enlarged. We tried treating it like it was asthma, although we feared it could be heart disease.

Months later, the asthma medication didn't help, her coughing has gotten harder and more frequent. On Saturday I noticed her energy level was lower than normal. She hunkered down in one place for most of the day. She would fall asleep for a bit, then wake up coughing. She didn't seem to be bathing herself as much as usual. And she had that irritated kitty look on her face like she just plain didn't feel good.

On Sunday, I was prepared to take her to the vet if she got worse, but she remained steady. I called and made an appointment anyway.

Took her in today after work, got a new x-ray, and discovered that she has a lot more stuff in her lungs, and her heart is larger. They gave her a treatment to help drain the stuff, but it's just to manage her symptoms. If I want to find out what's really wrong, and find out if it's treatable, I'd have to take her to a cardiologist.

I'm not sure what to do. I had a bad experience with over-blown cat medical treatment in the past. My little kitty Charlie - he was only 5 months old. He had a congenital defect, a hole in his diaphragm which was letting his abdominal organs come through into his chest, compressing his heart and lungs. Before we knew this, they noticed that his heart was enlarged. Took him to a cardiologist to get the rest of the news. Got him surgery to sew up the hole in his diaphragm. Poor sweet little guy... even after surgery, we had to have him put down. I was devastated. It just wasn't fair.

Am I prepared to go through that again? Am I prepared to put another cat through it?

There's a chance they could find that Nina's condition is treatable. But how much will it cost? Can I afford it? I hate to think like that. She's family to me, and it seems so wrong to be weighing her health against my bank account. But it's a reality, especially as I'm trying to buy a house.

Which brings me back to the other development - after I took pictures of the house on Sunday, I fell in love with it all over again. I really want this place. I see so much potential there. The house inspection is happening tomorrow, and the resulting information could make or break the deal. It will certainly give me a better picture of how much money I can expect to spend on repairs before I move in, since the house is being sold as-is. Hurray for short sales.

On Sunday before I left to go look at houses, I had a nose bleed. I can't remember the last time I had one. It seemed odd. Took a minute to get it to stop, and then I had that salty rusty taste in the back of my throat for the rest of the day.

Tonight while I was waiting at home to pick Nina up from the vet, I had another nose bleed, and this one was worse. Blood gushed out of my nose and dripped over my mouth and chin, and all over my finger tips. I soaked half a dozen kleenex sheets. It felt and tasted like about as much blood went down my throat too. Then ... this is gross ... as I was walking outside to go get Nina, a lump of bloody mucus dropped into the back of my throat, like a rust-flavored loogie. I've never had to spit out a loogie before, especially not a bloody one. It wasn't very pleasant.

Nose bleeds usually aren't serious, I'm just surprised to have had two of them in as many days, when I hadn't had one in... I don't know how many years. I can't even remember. I read about all of the possible side effects of the medications I'm taking. No nose bleed there. But I have had a runny nose pretty consistently for over a month, and I've been blowing or wiping my nose a lot. I've probably dried out my nasal canal. Not a huge deal but still surprising and... gross.

All of this stuff is going on, and I can't talk to Joey about it. He's living in a tent and his schedule is weird. I don't think he can talk on Skype in the tent. When he called me before, he was in some cafe or common area, and it was loud. He hasn't been back there, so we haven't talked. I can't tell him about Nina, or the house, or my nose bleeds. He knows about the emotional roller coaster, but not the latest.

And at work, I've been working on a proposal to get ADA accommodations for bipolar disorder. I may have already mentioned this, I can't remember. Thinking about this stuff is hard enough, trying to write it down in a form that won't sound ridiculous to others is even harder. It makes me feel a little retarded. But I know exactly which aspects of my work environment are causing me problems, and I know how to fix them. The question is whether my team, my boss, and my company will be able to help me out. That remains to be seen.

So once again, I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed by everything - which, once again, is happening all at the same time. I'm starting to think I need to learn some touchy-feely life skills that involve slowing down and not accumulating multiple sources of stress. I seem to be a magnet for it.

Anyway, except for my worry for Nina, today was a decent day. I did okay at work. I didn't get overwhelmed and I wrote good code. I even got to eat eggs, bacon, and chocolate chip pancakes for lunch. You can't go wrong with that. It covers 3 of the 4 food groups - salt, fat, and sugar. If it had been a beer lunch, I would've covered all 4.

Tomorrow I have to decide what to do about Nina. And I have to get my yearly poking and prodding at the doctor's office. Yuck. And I have to pay for a home inspection. And do all the usual daily activities... like maybe work, or something. Super.

I will be happy when Joey's home, when I know what's going to happen with the house, when my work environment is straightened out, when I know what's wrong with my kitty, when... oh, who am I kidding? Everything will happen exactly when and how it needs to. I'm just along for the ride.

Ugh

For some reason I really don't feel good today. I've been quiet, despondent, and downright weepy for most of the day, and I'm not sure why. I mean, I know I've got a lot on my mind right, but how is that different from any other day?

I'm thinking about what type of accommodations I should ask for at work, to help me cope with my ADD/bipolar/depression/whatever the heck this is. That's a stressful topic. If I worked in a "normal" department with a "normal" organizational structure, I would only share information about bipolar disorder with my immediate supervisor, and only to let him know what's going on with me in case I perform badly or call in sick because I don't feel well.

But because we have a self-organizing team, and my ability to work (or lack thereof) affects other people's ability to work, not to mention how they evaluate me when it comes time for annual reviews, I felt obliged to tell my whole department of 6 people.

I don't like talking about this stuff at work. It makes me feel like I'm on the spot and somehow isolated.

"I'm defective, please make exceptions for me."

But now that it's out there, I've found that my coworkers really want to be supportive. They want to help me reduce the stress that I feel in the shared workspace. They want to help me feel like I'm performing at 100% like I did back when I had my own private office. That's a good thing. But it also means I now have to make a plan. I have to figure out what might actually help, and it has to be within reason. Like, I probably can't start telecommuting - as much as I would love that. But maybe I can take a few extra breaks. Maybe the company can set me up with my own desk somewhere else in the building so I can go breathe deeply the next time I have an anxiety attack. I'm happy to be thinking about these possibilities, yet ultra stressed out about it too.

The other thing on my mind is Joey. He's going on a mission soon, I don't know where or for how long. And when he comes back, they'll be moved into tents so that the unit that's replacing them can move into they're old living quarters. There's no internet connection in the tents, and no electrical plug-ins of any kind. That means we may not be able to talk for a while. And poor Joey will be in a tent in 100 degree weather without A/C. I both feel bad for him, and sad for myself because I'll miss being able to talk to him.

On the back of my mind is the house. I know there was already an offer on the house before we made ours, but ours is better and we're in first place. But that's all I know. I'm just waiting to hear something... anything. I don't know what to expect - it's a 50/50 shot. I wouldn't be surprised if the deal never closes. I'll be sad if we don't get the house, but I'm prepared for it. We'd find another place. Eventually.

No baby for me just yet. I got my monthly visit from "Aunt Flo". (Yep, I'm that corny.) My doctor said there's still a chance I could be pregnant - like, maybe my period wasn't really a period, but spotting from implantation. But I'm pretty sure it was a regular period. It was heavy enough. So I'm not holding my breath on being pregnant this time around. But that's not a big deal - Joey will be home soon, and we'll try again. Besides, all the fun is in the practicing. :)

Yeah, ok... so I've got some stuff going on. But still... this much stress is not unusual for me, in fact, compared to how I felt back in January when I was interviewing for jobs, I would say I've got less stress now. So why the heck am I so weepy today? I don't understand it. There's no particular reason why I feel emotional, and I'm not especially stressed overall, yet I feel like crap. Is this bipolar depression? Is it because I only slept for 5 hours last night? Am I pregnant afterall and having hormonal mood swings?

Who knows. All I know is, I hope I don't wake up like this tomorrow.

Oh yeah, tomorrow... I started singing in choir again, and rehearsal is tomorrow. I'm really looking forward to it. We're singing Carmina Burana, and I get to sit next to my friend/coworker Victoria. We always have fun singing next to each other. Choir has turned into a bright spot in my week. I didn't want to watch Lost with commercials anyway. :)

Gah... No more weepy tears and puffy face tonight. Now is the time to pick myself up, be grateful for all the good things in my life, and put on a brave face for the world. Because I am brave, dammit.

Reluctant Return To Routine

I'm so torn. It feels really good to be writing here again, but the fact that I'm writing here means that I'm neglecting my mood chart and journal, which I really should maintain. I can't seem to do both. I pour myself out into one of them, and there's nothing left for the other. Perhaps I need to morph this blog into my journal somehow.

Anyway... I pulled myself together (mostly) and I'm doing alright.

It still surprises me how much I miss Joey already. When he came home, I couldn't stop looking at him or touching him. I always wanted my hand on his shoulder or knee or in his hand. I wanted to nuzzled my forehead against his and make cyclops eyes at each other. I wanted to put my arms around him constantly.

Of course I knew I'd missed him while he was gone, but I didn't realize exactly how much until he was actually here. I guess I'd gotten so used to the routine of work, Skype, and Warcraft that I learned to zone out and ignore the empty hole.

Having him home was so good. I was elated the entire time. My usually stiff and knotted shoulders completely relaxed. I didn't have headaches. I didn't feel depressed. I had a few anxiety moments in anticipation of big gatherings with lots of people, but for the most part, I did really well at those gatherings. I was just happy and relaxed for days.

Now that I realize how much I missed him and how much I enjoyed having him home, I miss him that much more since he's gone again. I've had a headache every day since he left, and - it never fails - I think I'm getting sick. I have that minor swollen sore throat and achy head congestion that signals the onset of a cold. Seriously... I can't believe how hard it hits me, every freakin' time.

We talked on Skype today for the first time since he got back to Al Asad. I now remember how much I hate Skype. Fuzzy picture, choppy sound, and worst of all... no hugs.

But I'm grateful for the time we spent together. It was easily the best vacation I can remember. And he'll be home again soon.

Joey keeps mentioning pregnancy and it's getting me really antsy. I don't know if I'm pregnant or not, and I'm not sure how to tell until I miss a period. I don't want to get my hopes up and then be disappointed when I have to use one of the low quality jumbo tampons at work. :(

I am waiting somewhat impatiently for news on the house. We made an offer on a house we both love, but it's a short sale, which means it could take a while for the deal to close, if it closes at all. I've been looking at online listings for other houses, but I haven't seen any I like as much as this one. I'm trying to have a back-up plan, but it's not working out that way. Much like the pregnancy, I don't want to get my hopes up and then be disappointed when the house deal falls through.

There's so much to wait for right now. Husband. House. Pregnancy. The only thing I don't have to wait for happens to be the one thing I would gladly wait forever for... Work. The source of much of my anxiety and stress. Perhaps it's time to place my blind faith and a throw-away dollar in the lottery again. Who knows?

Well it's time for me to take a horse-pill-sized vitamin C and go to bed. It's back to the routine tomorrow.

Loss

I can't believe how much I crash whenever Joe leaves home. It happens every time yet it always catches me off guard. You'd think I'd be used to this by now. I've been in a funk all day, and I kinda just want to go back to hiding and sleeping all the time like I used to. That's my comfort zone.

I get this feeling sometimes like I imagined everything. When Joey's gone, our life together seems so far away that it's almost not real, even though I just woke up next to him this morning. It feels like that was a different day. My world stops when he leaves, like I skipped off the track and got stalled in some tangent reality.

I never thought another person could give meaning and purpose to my life. Everything makes sense when Joey's home. I know what I want, I know what I'm doing, and I know I can make it because he's right there beside me. His absence leaves such a gaping hole that I feel disoriented and confused.

What the heck am I doing today? Why am I doing it? Is there a point to all this?

I'm not really sure. It's all muddled, I can't think clearly.

But I know this will pass, we've only a month and a half to go. I have to pull myself together and get on with it. He'll be back home soon and I'll wake up next to him again, just as sure of myself as I was yesterday. My world will keep turning and everything in it will be right.

I just have to hold on.