Winter

The thing I've always hated about christmas is how it's become a commercial holiday that's all about getting stuff. Family members stress out over buying the "right" gifts. Kids get greedy about opening presents early. I've never liked that, even when I was a kid on the receiving end.

When I was a kid, the things I loved about christmas were spending time with friends and family, eating good food, and staying cozy inside when it was cold and dark outside. But those things aren't really specific to christmas - I like to do them during the whole winter season.

The solstice is important to me because it's the longest night of the year. It's the turning point between seasons. Up until that point, it's been getting darker and darker with each day. But after that point, the light starts returning again and we're on our way back to spring and summer. I guess it's more of an observation of nature than a holiday.

Sometimes people ask me what I do to celebrate solstice, and they don't get it when I say "nothing". I suppose I could celebrate. Other pagans have solstice traditions that aren't far off from christmas traditions -- feasting to celebrate the last harvest, putting up lights to illuminate the long winter nights, decorating trees, although usually outside trees, not ones you cut and bring into your living room. I like doing all those things. I just haven't done them in the last few years because I've been alone, and because for me the simple observation and appreciation of the season is a daily celebration in and of itself.

I love this time of year. I love frost and fog and cold and darkness. I love it because it makes my home feel that much more warm and safe. I love it because it's a transition and a time of rest. All the plants and animals are dormant, regaining strength and energy, waiting to burst out again in the spring. It's a quiet time, a time of reflection, a time to embrace the dark and be grateful for the light.

For me, christmas is just another day. It's a day to celebrate, just like any other day during this season.

Last night someone asked me if my kids would celebrate christmas. To be honest, I really hadn't thought about it yet.

I remember being so irritated with my mom for putting on the whole show of christmas for my baby sister, when we hadn't celebrated christmas for years before she was born. What bothered me about it was that it was all about presents. That's how my sister grew up, and to this day at age 17, she still thinks she's entitled to get stuff at christmas time. She cares nothing about spending time with family or observing the winter season, and it's never even crossed her mind to give to others.

What's extra frustrating is that my mom doesn't even believe in presents at christmas time, at least not in the commercial obligation sense. She believes in enjoying the whole season, just like I do. But she failed to pass that appreciation on to my sister because she focused on getting her stuff, always bigger and more than the year before. Now my sister thinks christmas sucks if she doesn't get all the stuff she wanted. That really bothers me a lot. It's like she missed the whole point.

I will encourage my children to celebrate during this season, and they can celebrate christmas specifically if they want to. I will leave that choice up to them. But I'm going to make damn sure that it's not just about getting free stuff. It should be a family time.

We can make big dinners together. They can help me bake cookies. We can all go play in the snow. If we're lucky enough to have a fireplace, we can roast marshmallows and make s'mores, or read stories together. If I could afford it, maybe I would take my children on a small vacation during the winter season. Nothing fancy or too far away - maybe even just stay with my mom for a couple days. It should be something to remind them that we're a family unit and we celebrate by being together. Presents are appreciated, but secondary. They should be grateful for the season and for the time spent with friends and family, whether they get presents or not. And if they're invited to go somewhere, they should contribute in some way. Help with dinner or bring food to share. I don't want my kids to be greedy little gift mongers who don't understand or care about the spirit of the season.

I hope my husband will be okay with that. His family celebrates christmas, and in general, they do so by getting together and sharing dinner. But there's also some gift greediness. I hope our kids won't fall into that attitude.

I miss my husband more than usual at this time of year. I didn't expect the holiday season to be any different than the rest of the year, but it really is. I like to spend this time with the people I love, but the person I love the most isn't here. I've never spent the holidays with Joe before. Last year, he was out of state, and this year he's overseas. I'm really sad without him.

But I'm also grateful that he's alive and safe, and if all goes well, we'll see each in just over a month when he comes home on leave. Up until this last week, his leave seemed so far away. Now it's actually within reach, and I'm so excited.

We'll have to wait until next year to start them, but I hope we'll have our own winter holiday traditions that we can both be proud of.

I Miss Joey

That is all.

Reflect

I feel bad for being so negative earlier. It's true, my job is a major source of stress and anger, but I don't like being angry. So even though I hate the situation right now, I want to take time to recognize and appreciate the blessings my job has brought me over the years.

One nice thing I can say about my job is that I love the friends I've made while working there. I've gotten some really nice christmas cards from several people, and had some good holiday related talks with others.

I've always been down on christmas cards, partly because I don't celebrate christmas, but mostly because a pre-printed card with your name signed in it doesn't seem very personal or meaningful. It's just a token, and in my opinion, a waste of paper.

But this year more than ever before, I've gotten some cards with really thoughtful personal notes inside, pictures of families, which I love, and in one particular case, a mason jar full of homemade alcohol. Good stuff. It reminds me that I have some great friends, people who care about me, who went out of their way to turn an ordinary token into something more, something I never appreciated until now, but will forever remember and cherish.

I would not have met those people if it weren't for my job.

I can't forget that. For all the frustration I feel at work, there is always someone with a smile to remind me that I'm not alone, and that I'm in good company.

Maybe that's the real essence of christmas that I've always been missing. Maybe I should give this holiday another chance...

Vent

I'm writing at work. I haven't done this in a while because I can't usually get away with it. But today I'm daring because I really need to vent.

I *HATE* my job.

Yes, I emphasized the word "hate". I feel that strongly.

It's not the work itself. I still love writing software, although not so much that I'm jumping at the chance to learn new languages and technologies. I just enjoy problem solving.

What I can't stand is the way we go about writing software now, and the environment in which we do it. I'm entirely at the end of my rope.

Every day that I come here, I'm unhappy. I'm either sad and on the verge of tears, or I'm anxious and I can't think straight, or I'm angry and I want to punch someone. The only times I'm ever happy are when everyone else has left for the day and I get to sit in a room by myself like the old days.

I'm applying for other jobs, but it's not happening fast enough. There aren't many jobs available. And truthfully, I don't want to leave my company altogether, I just don't want to be part of this department... at least not the current incarnation of it.

Anyway... I have to get back to work before someone catches me venting.

My soul is being sucked away, one day at a time.

Christmas Party 2009

Photos from this year's company Christmas party...

This is one I took with my webcam, after hair and make-up, but before getting dressed.




This is me (on the right) with my friends Tori and Wendy.




Me with Victoria - she was my date. :)




Me with Anna.




Unfortunately, I never got a good shot of my hair. It was only partially up, and it was curly and carefully messy in the back, long and sort of flowing. My bangs were huge, but that's obvious in the photos.



Hey, wait a minute, how'd this picture get in here?



Oh, right. I put it there. :)

This is my undead warlock after being hit with a mohawk grenade, Mr. T style. I pity the fool!

Distance

He came around.

He read and learned, and he decided that he'd been wrong. He apologized. He asked if we could start over, if he could take back the stubbornness and give me the support I'd asked for in the beginning.

I appreciated his words, but I didn't find comfort in them. I had to think about why.

Some of the things he'd said... he sounded so much like others in my past. He re-opened old, deep wounds. Hurtful things that go way, way back. He shut me down.

I told him this. I told him I understood and I was grateful, but I needed time. It wouldn't go away overnight.

He carefully reminded me that he's not like everyone else. He is his own person.

He's right, of course. If he were like everyone else, I wouldn't have married him. I love him more than anything.

So why is this so hard to overcome?

I came to the conclusion that it's the distance. It's harder to comfort someone when you can't see into their eyes, when you can't hold them close. I think if he were here, if we were closer, this would be a lot easier. He might still have hurt me in the beginning, but the recovery would have been more smooth. He would look at me and I would see the truth in his face. He would hold me and I would feel the love in his embrace. I would feel safe with him like I always have.

I realized how much I miss feeling safe in his arms. I miss his protection. I miss the calm and comfort that I feel in the presence of his warmth. Since he's been gone, I've been anything but calm or comfortable.

If I close my eyes and think about him holding me, remember what it was like, I can feel something close to what it used to be. I can feel his love, and it reminds me that he is different, and he does want to help.

I want to hold onto that feeling, but it's so hard when I'm so bogged down by this debilitating mental fog, when my job takes so much of my energy away, and when Joe is so very far from me.

He's gone on another mission now and I won't talk to him for a few days. I always worry so much when he's on a mission. I hate this.

In a way, I'm still on my own. I have to get through this without him by my side, even though I know his heart is with me.

I can't wait for him to be home!

I have this lingering worry that things will be difficult when he comes home -- in some ways we'll have to get to know each other again, and it will be a big adjustment for both of us -- but I don't care. I just want him home safe, with me. So that when he takes back his stubbornness and says "I'm sorry I was a dick", I can see it in his eyes and feel it in his touch, and I can feel it in my heart as much as I understand it in my head. Unlike now, where I understand it mentally, but I don't feel anything except dull hurt.

Physical distance seems to make everything else more distant too. It's monotonous yet chaotic, routine yet impossible to master. So confusing.

But I know he loves me, and I know I love him. That's what matters.

We'll get through this. We're already more than half way there.