I don't feel well right now.
I've started to take notice of my own fragility. I could be having a great day, but one wrong conversation, question, event, movie, song, or t.v. show scene will instantly bring me down. I guess I'm on a short fuse, except I don't blow up -- I melt down.
Well-wishers at work like to talk to me about my husband. They want to know all about where he is, where he's going, what he'll be doing. They want to offer their support and positive thoughts and prayers. I appreciate their caring, I truly do. But it's hard enough to keep my focus on work during the day without my coworkers reminding me of my own fear and sadness.
Then there's Joey. Sometimes he has bad days, and sometimes he gets homesick. He's human, he's allowed. But it's hard for me to hear his voice and feel his depressed mood, especially during the times when he can't or won't explain to me what's got him down. If I was the one upset during one of our conversations, he would never let me get away without talking about it. Yet he gets away without talking about it. Of course his environment is a lot more restrictive than mine, so I have to give him some leeway.
I think I get frustrated because I have to be on his schedule and he can't be on mine. When he calls and I'm right in the middle of something, I still want to talk to him because I don't know how long it will be before I hear his voice again. But it's not always practical to. I can't always drop what I'm doing, as much as I might like to. Sometimes he whines at me when he wants to talk and I'm not available. I don't ever get to whine at him when he's not available.
And lately he's been giving me a hard time about certain things I'm doing or not doing. He's says he's just joking, but I know at some level, his joking comes from a serious place. It gets to me. I know his method of dealing with things is to joke about them, and that's okay. I just wish the joking didn't happen in a way that makes me feel like I'm not doing enough. I feel like I'm already doing so much. I don't ever get to complain about Joey not doing something. I get all the excuses about how he can't or won't because of his environment, his schedule, the rules. Sure, some of those excuses might be legitimate, but... it's not fair that he can complain and joke about my inadequacies, and I can't do the same.
Maybe I feel like I'm putting in a lot of effort and not getting enough in return? Yes. I feel drained and wasted. But it's not Joe's fault. It's not even really directed at him. He does contribute sometimes, but not all the time. Really, I think he's just the kicker on top of a big heap of stress and frustration with everything in general. Especially on days like today. I was just on the edge of having a reasonably decent day at work. It's a difficult balance, and it doesn't take much to push me into frustration. Short fuse, like I said. If he were here, and we weren't in this situation, I don't think it would bother me. It's just... my job, my family, my health, my finances. It's everything. I'm so overwhelmed and so out of energy. And I'm so alone.
My life has become focused on crossing things off my To-Do list. Just get through this thing so you can mark it "completed" and move on to the next thing. Just get through this project, this errand, this event, this day at work, this long year alone. I feel like I'm constantly taking care of things, but nobody is taking care of me. Isn't there anything that's not a chore? Isn't there anything I can look forward to that will be enjoyable and not just another burden to endure?
To be fair, it's not always like this. Sometimes I do have good days. Sometimes just parts of the day are good, and I try to grab hold of those and cherish them. I always love coming home from work at the end of the day, seeing my cats, gazing at the golden evening sunlight in the green trees, and listening to the sounds of birds and wind chimes. I love climbing into bed each night and resting in the darkness. I try to pay special attention to the things that bring me happiness.
I just wish I had more time. More time with my husband, more time at home, more time to rest. I wish everything could rewind to about 6 months ago, and slow way down.
Anyway... this is just me trying to acknowledge my feelings instead of pushing them down. Maybe when I finally see a counselor, having written all this down will make me better equipped to talk about it. I'm just trying to sort it all out so I can deal with it.
I miss my partner. I miss hugs and snuggles. I miss not being lonely all the time.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Dream Journal
I've been having some odd dreams lately. A few of them have recurring themes while others are just plain strange. I figured it's probably time to start writing them down so I remember later, in case they come up again.
In the recurring theme category: I lose my job.
I've had dreams with this theme at least 3 times now. The details aren't always the same, in fact, I don't even remember most details, I just remember how angry and frightened it made me feel.
In one, I got fired because I gave too much information to a contractor who's working for my company, but who has not signed any confidentiality agreement, and to whom I have not been given permission to give full disclosure. That one was weird because the reason for my firing had absolutely nothing to do with my job performance. I don't remember the details of the others. All of them have freaked me out substantially, even though I'm in no real danger of losing my job.
Non-recurring, but just plain strange: I got arrested for driving 38 mph in a 30 mph zone.
That's right... I didn't just get a speeding ticket, I got arrested.
What was strange was the way the police officer treated me. When I saw the flashing lights in my rear view mirror, there was no safe place to pull over right away. I had to drive for almost a mile with the cop behind me before I was able to pull off the road. The cop tailgated and swerved and flashed his headlights as if I was a speeding felon, even though I had slowed to about 25 mph as soon as I saw him. Once I stopped and he got out of his car, he approached me very slowly and suspiciously. He asked for my license and registration. When I reached for the glove box to get my registration, he said "that's far enough right there", and he pointed his gun at me! He claimed that I reached for a concealed weapon in my glove box. Then I got mad. I started yelling that his conduct was horrible and he had no right to treat me this way. So he arrested me.
Perhaps the strangest part was that there was an injured teenage boy in the cop's back seat, and the cop had been on the way to the hospital. The cop told me it was my fault that boy wasn't getting the medical attention he needed because he had to waste his time hauling me in.
I had this dream over a week ago, but I still think of it every day when I leave the office for lunch, especially when I'm driving Joe's car because I know I would have to reach for the glove box to get the vehicle registration.
Recurring (twice so far): Joe and I are homeless.
There's no indication of why we're homeless, and I don't have the same anger or fear as the dreams where I've lost my job. In fact, I'm strangely okay with it. I'm just happy to be with Joe, wherever we are. We sleep on the beach, we try crashing in this weird outdoor hotel or shelter but there are no extra beds, and we camp briefly at a covered outdoor arena, where there are other homeless people sleeping too. In one of the dreams, Joe has to go to New Zealand to get a job. The only way we can get there is to go through Australia. Australia doesn't require passports, so I'm able to get in just fine. But New Zealand does, and I don't have any ID. So Joe has to leave me in Australia while he goes to New Zealand. All I have with me is my purse and a spare pair of flip-flops. I don't know how I'm going to eat or where I'm going sleep. These are all the same problems I had before Joe left, but they were okay because we were together. Now that he's gone, I panic. When the panic wears off, I wander aimlessly.
Obviously a bit of separation anxiety.
In the recurring theme category: I lose my job.
I've had dreams with this theme at least 3 times now. The details aren't always the same, in fact, I don't even remember most details, I just remember how angry and frightened it made me feel.
In one, I got fired because I gave too much information to a contractor who's working for my company, but who has not signed any confidentiality agreement, and to whom I have not been given permission to give full disclosure. That one was weird because the reason for my firing had absolutely nothing to do with my job performance. I don't remember the details of the others. All of them have freaked me out substantially, even though I'm in no real danger of losing my job.
Non-recurring, but just plain strange: I got arrested for driving 38 mph in a 30 mph zone.
That's right... I didn't just get a speeding ticket, I got arrested.
What was strange was the way the police officer treated me. When I saw the flashing lights in my rear view mirror, there was no safe place to pull over right away. I had to drive for almost a mile with the cop behind me before I was able to pull off the road. The cop tailgated and swerved and flashed his headlights as if I was a speeding felon, even though I had slowed to about 25 mph as soon as I saw him. Once I stopped and he got out of his car, he approached me very slowly and suspiciously. He asked for my license and registration. When I reached for the glove box to get my registration, he said "that's far enough right there", and he pointed his gun at me! He claimed that I reached for a concealed weapon in my glove box. Then I got mad. I started yelling that his conduct was horrible and he had no right to treat me this way. So he arrested me.
Perhaps the strangest part was that there was an injured teenage boy in the cop's back seat, and the cop had been on the way to the hospital. The cop told me it was my fault that boy wasn't getting the medical attention he needed because he had to waste his time hauling me in.
I had this dream over a week ago, but I still think of it every day when I leave the office for lunch, especially when I'm driving Joe's car because I know I would have to reach for the glove box to get the vehicle registration.
Recurring (twice so far): Joe and I are homeless.
There's no indication of why we're homeless, and I don't have the same anger or fear as the dreams where I've lost my job. In fact, I'm strangely okay with it. I'm just happy to be with Joe, wherever we are. We sleep on the beach, we try crashing in this weird outdoor hotel or shelter but there are no extra beds, and we camp briefly at a covered outdoor arena, where there are other homeless people sleeping too. In one of the dreams, Joe has to go to New Zealand to get a job. The only way we can get there is to go through Australia. Australia doesn't require passports, so I'm able to get in just fine. But New Zealand does, and I don't have any ID. So Joe has to leave me in Australia while he goes to New Zealand. All I have with me is my purse and a spare pair of flip-flops. I don't know how I'm going to eat or where I'm going sleep. These are all the same problems I had before Joe left, but they were okay because we were together. Now that he's gone, I panic. When the panic wears off, I wander aimlessly.
Obviously a bit of separation anxiety.
Monday, May 25, 2009
When Is The Right Time?
I married a guy who thinks and analyzes too much. Not terribly surprising, since I myself think and analyze too much.
I know he's thinking about it, so naturally I'm thinking about it too.
We want to have children. For a variety of reasons, we've had difficulty deciding when to have to children.
Initially, he wanted to wait until he was finished with school, which would be a few years away. His schedule will be very demanding, he'll probably be away from home for several days at a time, and he won't have a full time job to help support a family. I, on the other hand, will have a full time job, and I'm not sure if I can continue to work and take on primary responsibility for a child while Joe is both busy and broke. That's a lot of pressure for me.
But there's this problem with age. I've read that the chances of having problems with pregnancy increase significantly after age 35. Greater difficulty getting pregnant, greater likelihood of complications or miscarriage, greater chance of having a baby with birth defects or Downs Syndrome.
This really scares the crap out of me. Having complications with a pregnancy is one of my biggest fears. Always has been.
When Joe comes home from Iraq next year, I'll be 32. We want to have two children, and we want to wait a couple years in between. We are both acutely aware that we don't have much time to achieve this goal if we want to keep the odds in our favor.
On top of that, we both just really want to have kids as soon as possible. The birth of Joe's niece has had an impact on both of us. She's a tiny premature miracle. When I hold her, it makes me want to be a mother so badly. And Joe can't stop talking about how much he wants a baby.
We've talked about trying to get me pregnant when he comes home on leave. He gets two weeks off, but we don't know exactly when. We're hoping that if it all works out, I might be a few months along by the time his deployment is over.
But then there's the issue of our relationship. When Joe comes home, we will have been married for 1 year. Yet, we will only have spent a few days together as a married couple. A part of me wants to experience a married relationship without kids for a while. I want to take the time to adore my husband, to put him first, be spontaneous, take trips, have lots of sex, and just generally be in love. All the things we would be doing now if he wasn't on deployment.
Having a baby and becoming parents inevitably changes the relationship. I'm so totally excited for that change, but at the same time I can't help feeling that I might miss out life before that change.
So for all these reasons, I'm torn. And Joe is torn. We both want children so badly, but... when?
By waiting, he can go to school, we can have our relationship, and we get a few more years of not being tied down financially. But we also risk pregnancy complications, health problems for me, especially since I already several health issues, and we'd have to somehow suppress our longing for the family we both want so much.
I'd actually be pretty excited if I was pregnant right now, except for the part where Joe wouldn't be here to experience it with me or see the birth of his child.
A strong part of me just wants to wait and see what happens. If I get pregnant when Joe is home on leave, so be it. If I don't, that's okay too. I would honestly be happy either way.
And that's what I told him when I talked to him this evening. But he was still thinking about it... and that makes me think about it... and here I am blogging because I'm still thinking about it.
I don't want to wait. Yet I do. Yet I don't. Yet...
All of this analyzing for an event that is still so far away. We're a couple of worriers.
I know he's thinking about it, so naturally I'm thinking about it too.
We want to have children. For a variety of reasons, we've had difficulty deciding when to have to children.
Initially, he wanted to wait until he was finished with school, which would be a few years away. His schedule will be very demanding, he'll probably be away from home for several days at a time, and he won't have a full time job to help support a family. I, on the other hand, will have a full time job, and I'm not sure if I can continue to work and take on primary responsibility for a child while Joe is both busy and broke. That's a lot of pressure for me.
But there's this problem with age. I've read that the chances of having problems with pregnancy increase significantly after age 35. Greater difficulty getting pregnant, greater likelihood of complications or miscarriage, greater chance of having a baby with birth defects or Downs Syndrome.
This really scares the crap out of me. Having complications with a pregnancy is one of my biggest fears. Always has been.
When Joe comes home from Iraq next year, I'll be 32. We want to have two children, and we want to wait a couple years in between. We are both acutely aware that we don't have much time to achieve this goal if we want to keep the odds in our favor.
On top of that, we both just really want to have kids as soon as possible. The birth of Joe's niece has had an impact on both of us. She's a tiny premature miracle. When I hold her, it makes me want to be a mother so badly. And Joe can't stop talking about how much he wants a baby.
We've talked about trying to get me pregnant when he comes home on leave. He gets two weeks off, but we don't know exactly when. We're hoping that if it all works out, I might be a few months along by the time his deployment is over.
But then there's the issue of our relationship. When Joe comes home, we will have been married for 1 year. Yet, we will only have spent a few days together as a married couple. A part of me wants to experience a married relationship without kids for a while. I want to take the time to adore my husband, to put him first, be spontaneous, take trips, have lots of sex, and just generally be in love. All the things we would be doing now if he wasn't on deployment.
Having a baby and becoming parents inevitably changes the relationship. I'm so totally excited for that change, but at the same time I can't help feeling that I might miss out life before that change.
So for all these reasons, I'm torn. And Joe is torn. We both want children so badly, but... when?
By waiting, he can go to school, we can have our relationship, and we get a few more years of not being tied down financially. But we also risk pregnancy complications, health problems for me, especially since I already several health issues, and we'd have to somehow suppress our longing for the family we both want so much.
I'd actually be pretty excited if I was pregnant right now, except for the part where Joe wouldn't be here to experience it with me or see the birth of his child.
A strong part of me just wants to wait and see what happens. If I get pregnant when Joe is home on leave, so be it. If I don't, that's okay too. I would honestly be happy either way.
And that's what I told him when I talked to him this evening. But he was still thinking about it... and that makes me think about it... and here I am blogging because I'm still thinking about it.
I don't want to wait. Yet I do. Yet I don't. Yet...
All of this analyzing for an event that is still so far away. We're a couple of worriers.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Bummer
The counselor I wanted to see has decided that she's too busy to give me as much face-to-face time as she'd like to spend, so she's referred me to a website where I can go to find someone else in my area.
I'm so disappointed.
It was really cool that Joe had already met her and liked her, and apparently she liked him too. That made her more familiar than a complete stranger. It made the idea of seeing a counselor feel more comfortable.
Now I'm back to square one. I have to make a phone call, get a list of names, and pick someone at random who doesn't know me or my husband. That gives me the urge to procrastinate just because I don't want to deal with it.
It's not a full on roadblock... maybe just a speed bump. I'll still do it. It's still a free service, and gods know I still need the help. I'm just bummed out and a little grumpy now. [frumpy frown]
Oh well.
I'm so disappointed.
It was really cool that Joe had already met her and liked her, and apparently she liked him too. That made her more familiar than a complete stranger. It made the idea of seeing a counselor feel more comfortable.
Now I'm back to square one. I have to make a phone call, get a list of names, and pick someone at random who doesn't know me or my husband. That gives me the urge to procrastinate just because I don't want to deal with it.
It's not a full on roadblock... maybe just a speed bump. I'll still do it. It's still a free service, and gods know I still need the help. I'm just bummed out and a little grumpy now. [frumpy frown]
Oh well.
Monday, May 18, 2009
I'm Working On It
Sometimes it really does help to get it all out. Writing my last post actually made me feel better. I still feel depressed, but I don't feel helpless.
Over the weekend, especially when I was writhing in pain from my latest severe headache, I made the decision to actively try to better myself. I started taking my vitamins and probiotics again, I made a return to the daily soy protein shake, and I made a conscious effort to keep a full glass of water nearby at all times. And I blogged. That was huge. I still had trouble falling asleep last night, and I still woke up with the same headache, but everything seemed less severe. A step in the right direction.
But then today at work I found myself immensely distracted and unmotivated. The idea of putting in any kind of real effort just makes me want to walk out of the building, go home, and take a nap.
So I took another step. I sent email to a counselor who contracts with the military. It turns out, one of my benefits as a military spouse is that I get free counseling. Joe already saw this counselor once before he left, and he said she made him feel comfortable talking. This is good. If it wasn't free, and if I didn't already have a good reference, I probably wouldn't do it.
I also set up an appointment for a deep tissue massage. At every chiropractic appointment during the last 9 months or so, the doctor always says my spine looks good, I just have this muscle tension that is pulling and squeezing on everything else. We've looked for internal causes for this -- gluten intolerance, candida infection, lack of certain nutrients -- and even though we've worked through those issues, the muscular problems persist. So I'm finally going to have someone get tough on my muscles. This is long overdue, and it's probably going to hurt really bad, but hopefully it will lead to overall improvement.
I'm waiting to hear if we'll have another circuit training class at work, but because of the economy, I'm not sure if it will happen. I really need to start up a daily walking routine like I had last summer. Anything more than that is going to take a special motivation that I don't yet have the energy for. But I'm getting there.
I have to say, one of the things I appreciate most about my husband is his ability to see what's bothering me, even when he's far away, and tell me exactly what I need to hear to start feeling better. Sometimes it's sympathy, and sometimes it's a kick in the ass. I don't know how he always knows what I need. He's good like that. :)
Over the weekend, especially when I was writhing in pain from my latest severe headache, I made the decision to actively try to better myself. I started taking my vitamins and probiotics again, I made a return to the daily soy protein shake, and I made a conscious effort to keep a full glass of water nearby at all times. And I blogged. That was huge. I still had trouble falling asleep last night, and I still woke up with the same headache, but everything seemed less severe. A step in the right direction.
But then today at work I found myself immensely distracted and unmotivated. The idea of putting in any kind of real effort just makes me want to walk out of the building, go home, and take a nap.
So I took another step. I sent email to a counselor who contracts with the military. It turns out, one of my benefits as a military spouse is that I get free counseling. Joe already saw this counselor once before he left, and he said she made him feel comfortable talking. This is good. If it wasn't free, and if I didn't already have a good reference, I probably wouldn't do it.
I also set up an appointment for a deep tissue massage. At every chiropractic appointment during the last 9 months or so, the doctor always says my spine looks good, I just have this muscle tension that is pulling and squeezing on everything else. We've looked for internal causes for this -- gluten intolerance, candida infection, lack of certain nutrients -- and even though we've worked through those issues, the muscular problems persist. So I'm finally going to have someone get tough on my muscles. This is long overdue, and it's probably going to hurt really bad, but hopefully it will lead to overall improvement.
I'm waiting to hear if we'll have another circuit training class at work, but because of the economy, I'm not sure if it will happen. I really need to start up a daily walking routine like I had last summer. Anything more than that is going to take a special motivation that I don't yet have the energy for. But I'm getting there.
I have to say, one of the things I appreciate most about my husband is his ability to see what's bothering me, even when he's far away, and tell me exactly what I need to hear to start feeling better. Sometimes it's sympathy, and sometimes it's a kick in the ass. I don't know how he always knows what I need. He's good like that. :)
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Separation Anxiety
The wedding was fast. We exchanged vows in 5 minutes or less, then spent at least 30 minutes getting our picture taken. There were only 6 people in attendance, and at least 4 of them had cameras. It didn't feel like anybody was even watching or listening... just snapping shots for the photo album. I felt like I was on display. I guess it goes back to my fundamental feeling that a wedding is for the couple being married. It's not for anybody else. Plus, I just don't like being the center of attention. I still wish we had eloped and found two strangers to be our witnesses.
Nonetheless... it was nice. We picked out a spot in the park together, and now that's "our spot" forever. That makes me smile.
And I know I would have felt sad if my mom didn't see me get married, so I need to swallow my annoyance with the cameras and just be grateful that I have family members who love me and want to share in my moment. I am glad she was there, and I know it made her happy too.
Married life was short. We spent just two days together before Joe was whisked away for deployment. He's currently in Georgia. He's not allowed to use any electronics before 17:00, and lights out is at 22:00. That means he has a short window when he can make phone calls, and only when he doesn't have something else going on during that time. When he calls, he doesn't have any privacy. I always hear loud conversations in the background, and he frequently gets interrupted by people asking him questions or superiors informing him of recent decisions. This week he'll be out in the field for 6 days and I won't hear from him at all.
He's homesick, and I'm... husband-sick? Yesterday I went to a BBQ at his aunt's house, with all his family. It was hard being there without him. I love his family, and I had fun hanging out with them, but they all remind me of him so much. They always ask me if I've heard from him, if I miss him, if I'm doing okay. I appreciate that they care, but the questions remind me of how sad and lonely I am, how depressed I'm getting.
It doesn't help that things at work are up in the air once again. Another very big change is on the horizon, but until it gets here, there are a lot of big unknowns. I don't like instability. It freaks me out.
In the past, I would always try to keep some aspect of my life under control. When my personal life was a wreck, I would start kicking more ass at work. When work was a disaster, I would keep my personal life in line. There was always something that I had a say in, that I could use as my comfort zone to retreat from everything else that was frustrating. In times when that hasn't been available, I've become depressed and lethargic and generally disinterested in everything.
In the last couple weeks I've come to realize that now is one of those times. Work sucks and home is empty. There's no other comfort zone for me, except for stupid World of Warcraft, and even that has gotten hard to play because I get so many headaches.
This morning I woke up with a horrendous headache that made me sick to my stomach. I spent half the day laying down, trying to find the right combination of food, water, and pills to make it subside. I managed to push it into the background, but it's still there, throbbing away. I'm trying my best to ignore it.
I guess I'm having separation anxiety. Isn't that what they call it? Everything makes me think of my husband. Everything. Thinking of him makes me feel so melancholy. I'm so happy and thankful because we're together and I love him so much, but I'm also so distraught because he's gone, and because I know how much he hates what he's doing right now.
In moments of emotional detachment, I can almost pretend that I never met him... like I completely imagined the last 10 months, and I'm right back where I was before I met him. Then when I look at our wedding pictures, I get this heavy sense of dread.
I have dreams about him leaving me behind in some way, where I plead with him not to go and then feel helpless when he's gone. I wake up more tense than when I went to bed, and I feel so low energy all day. I cry a lot - not always a full sob, but I just sort of walk around with my breath short, my face warm and puffy, and my eyes constantly welled up, always on the verge of losing it.
I keep trying to talk myself out of it. I tell myself it's only for a year, and it will go by fast. I tell myself it won't be that bad because we'll still get to talk. I tell myself there are thousands of other wives in the same situation, and somehow they're making it through this, so I should be able to too.
But nothing changes the fact that this feels wrong. I can't quite put my finger on it, but something just isn't right. I have this overwhelming sense that I'm never going to see my husband again. I don't know whether to interpret that literally, as in, he's going die and I'll physically never see him again, or whether it's more figurative, like he'll come back alive but this experience will fuck him up so badly that he won't be the same person. Either way, I feel absolutely horrible, and no amount of rationalizing or reassurance has succeeded in changing my mindset.
All I can think about is that he should come home. Like now. If he goes, then in some form another, the man I married is not coming back. I actually wish he would go AWOL, just to get out of deployment.
And it's only been, what... 11 days since he left? It's taken me that long to clarify my thoughts and feelings enough to write about them. Now I'm afraid I may have opened the floodgates... I don't want to end up writing a whiny depressed blog every day when I feel down about my situation. Especially when it's a situation I knowingly signed up for. I knew what I was getting into, and I would do it again if given the choice. I love my husband, and I'm happy that we're together. But damn... if I can't deal with this after less than 2 weeks of separation, how on earth will I survive an entire year? How will I deal with it after he leaves the safety zone of the U.S.?
I wish I could shake off the heaviness of what I'm feeling. Although I wish for a lot of things right now. I wish I could stay in bed all day. I wish I could go for one day without so much tension in my neck and shoulders that it causes my head to throb. I wish I had a winning lottery ticket! Most of all, I wish my husband could come home, and never go overseas.
It's odd... I remember feeling a lot of these things right after I first met Joe, when he left for boot camp. I had army-related anxiety even back then. I read all about ways to get him out of the army, before I even knew if we'd see each other again. It just never seemed right to me. My gut feeling told me he shouldn't go, and I even thought about trying to talk him out of it. Except I'd just met him. What was I going to say? Hey, you picked me up at a bar and we've known each other for less than 48 hours, but I'm already going to start telling you what to do with your life? Um... no. And I still won't tell him what to do, even now that we're married. He has a right to make his own choices.
I just wish... Yeah... All of those things.
I love my husband. I just want him home safe. I'll keep trying to convince myself that my feeling of dread is nothing more than anxiety and irrational fear. This year will go by fast. It has to. Right?
Nonetheless... it was nice. We picked out a spot in the park together, and now that's "our spot" forever. That makes me smile.
And I know I would have felt sad if my mom didn't see me get married, so I need to swallow my annoyance with the cameras and just be grateful that I have family members who love me and want to share in my moment. I am glad she was there, and I know it made her happy too.
Married life was short. We spent just two days together before Joe was whisked away for deployment. He's currently in Georgia. He's not allowed to use any electronics before 17:00, and lights out is at 22:00. That means he has a short window when he can make phone calls, and only when he doesn't have something else going on during that time. When he calls, he doesn't have any privacy. I always hear loud conversations in the background, and he frequently gets interrupted by people asking him questions or superiors informing him of recent decisions. This week he'll be out in the field for 6 days and I won't hear from him at all.
He's homesick, and I'm... husband-sick? Yesterday I went to a BBQ at his aunt's house, with all his family. It was hard being there without him. I love his family, and I had fun hanging out with them, but they all remind me of him so much. They always ask me if I've heard from him, if I miss him, if I'm doing okay. I appreciate that they care, but the questions remind me of how sad and lonely I am, how depressed I'm getting.
It doesn't help that things at work are up in the air once again. Another very big change is on the horizon, but until it gets here, there are a lot of big unknowns. I don't like instability. It freaks me out.
In the past, I would always try to keep some aspect of my life under control. When my personal life was a wreck, I would start kicking more ass at work. When work was a disaster, I would keep my personal life in line. There was always something that I had a say in, that I could use as my comfort zone to retreat from everything else that was frustrating. In times when that hasn't been available, I've become depressed and lethargic and generally disinterested in everything.
In the last couple weeks I've come to realize that now is one of those times. Work sucks and home is empty. There's no other comfort zone for me, except for stupid World of Warcraft, and even that has gotten hard to play because I get so many headaches.
This morning I woke up with a horrendous headache that made me sick to my stomach. I spent half the day laying down, trying to find the right combination of food, water, and pills to make it subside. I managed to push it into the background, but it's still there, throbbing away. I'm trying my best to ignore it.
I guess I'm having separation anxiety. Isn't that what they call it? Everything makes me think of my husband. Everything. Thinking of him makes me feel so melancholy. I'm so happy and thankful because we're together and I love him so much, but I'm also so distraught because he's gone, and because I know how much he hates what he's doing right now.
In moments of emotional detachment, I can almost pretend that I never met him... like I completely imagined the last 10 months, and I'm right back where I was before I met him. Then when I look at our wedding pictures, I get this heavy sense of dread.
I have dreams about him leaving me behind in some way, where I plead with him not to go and then feel helpless when he's gone. I wake up more tense than when I went to bed, and I feel so low energy all day. I cry a lot - not always a full sob, but I just sort of walk around with my breath short, my face warm and puffy, and my eyes constantly welled up, always on the verge of losing it.
I keep trying to talk myself out of it. I tell myself it's only for a year, and it will go by fast. I tell myself it won't be that bad because we'll still get to talk. I tell myself there are thousands of other wives in the same situation, and somehow they're making it through this, so I should be able to too.
But nothing changes the fact that this feels wrong. I can't quite put my finger on it, but something just isn't right. I have this overwhelming sense that I'm never going to see my husband again. I don't know whether to interpret that literally, as in, he's going die and I'll physically never see him again, or whether it's more figurative, like he'll come back alive but this experience will fuck him up so badly that he won't be the same person. Either way, I feel absolutely horrible, and no amount of rationalizing or reassurance has succeeded in changing my mindset.
All I can think about is that he should come home. Like now. If he goes, then in some form another, the man I married is not coming back. I actually wish he would go AWOL, just to get out of deployment.
And it's only been, what... 11 days since he left? It's taken me that long to clarify my thoughts and feelings enough to write about them. Now I'm afraid I may have opened the floodgates... I don't want to end up writing a whiny depressed blog every day when I feel down about my situation. Especially when it's a situation I knowingly signed up for. I knew what I was getting into, and I would do it again if given the choice. I love my husband, and I'm happy that we're together. But damn... if I can't deal with this after less than 2 weeks of separation, how on earth will I survive an entire year? How will I deal with it after he leaves the safety zone of the U.S.?
I wish I could shake off the heaviness of what I'm feeling. Although I wish for a lot of things right now. I wish I could stay in bed all day. I wish I could go for one day without so much tension in my neck and shoulders that it causes my head to throb. I wish I had a winning lottery ticket! Most of all, I wish my husband could come home, and never go overseas.
It's odd... I remember feeling a lot of these things right after I first met Joe, when he left for boot camp. I had army-related anxiety even back then. I read all about ways to get him out of the army, before I even knew if we'd see each other again. It just never seemed right to me. My gut feeling told me he shouldn't go, and I even thought about trying to talk him out of it. Except I'd just met him. What was I going to say? Hey, you picked me up at a bar and we've known each other for less than 48 hours, but I'm already going to start telling you what to do with your life? Um... no. And I still won't tell him what to do, even now that we're married. He has a right to make his own choices.
I just wish... Yeah... All of those things.
I love my husband. I just want him home safe. I'll keep trying to convince myself that my feeling of dread is nothing more than anxiety and irrational fear. This year will go by fast. It has to. Right?
Monday, May 4, 2009
Wedding
It's too early for me to write my thoughts... I haven't had enough time to reflect. But in the meantime, here are some photos...
(Facebook claims I can share these with people even if they don't have Facebook accounts. Let me know if you can't see them!)
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=14204&id=1667793467&l=0296c0c332
I'm blissful. :)
(Facebook claims I can share these with people even if they don't have Facebook accounts. Let me know if you can't see them!)
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=14204&id=1667793467&l=0296c0c332
I'm blissful. :)
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