You split me wide open and now I ache like an exposed nerve.
Why did you tell me? Why was it the right time? The right time for what, and for whom?
Did you think about what it would mean? What it would do to me? How I would feel?
Did you intend to do something about it? Act on it in some way? Or was your plan just to put it out there as a wisp on the breeze and leave me hanging with indefinite uncertainty?
You backed away from it almost as fast as you approached it. You ran, and you hid. Our house became cold and empty. I couldn't stay any longer.
What am I supposed to do now?
There's no one I can talk to about this, you least of all, since you refuse to be present except in the way that's easiest and safest for you. So here I am, once again dumping everything out into the ether.
I am certain you don't realize that this is affecting me so deeply.
I am certain you don't realize that I think about it constantly, every damn day.
I wonder if you think about it too.
I wonder if you're as tortured by it as I am.
I wonder what you want now.
I wonder what you're capable of, and what you're willing to do, if anything.
I wonder if you really meant it. You said you did, repeatedly. I still have my doubts.
I wonder if you told anyone else.
I wonder what they might think, or how they might feel.
Would they be hurt?
Curious?
Indifferent?
Accepting?
Angry?
Mocking?
How long should I hold on this time? The interval gets longer and longer with each cycle, and the wait becomes more unbearable. Just when I decide I'm done, you want my company again, and I always come back.
Running, in full sprint.
Because you asked me to.
Because I want to.
You hang out for a while and then you tip-toe quietly away. I always wonder where you are, what you're doing, if you're ever coming back. I think I know now that you're not really going anywhere, and that you'll always be back eventually, but that doesn't stop me from hurting inside when you leave. It breaks my heart a little more each time, especially now.
Do you already know all this?
Do you care?
Would you fix it if I asked you to?
Oh right... you can't.
You can't even be in our house, so how could you possibly spend the time or energy to fix any of this?
You would fix it by walking away, because that's easier than facing the truth, isn't it?
Except I think maybe you've already tried that. Walking away makes you think about it more, doesn't it? And staying around draws you in and makes you feel things you shouldn't feel. You don't trust yourself. So you tried to pick a middle ground, a comfortable arm's length where we could still communicate, but you wouldn't have to get sucked into anything that's not safe.
Am I anywhere close the truth here?
My deepest wish is for you to sit down, read this, and respond to every question with heartfelt open honestly.
Even more deeply I wish we could talk face to face and just get it all out on the table so we can fully understand each other's points of view. I'm pretty sure we would talk all night.
But I'm safer at a distance, aren't I? You can't hide from me if you're standing right in front of me. Maybe that's why it will never happen.
You can tell yourself all you want that you're not hiding, but you know I don't buy it for a second. Never have, never will.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
I...
I am... tired too much.
I want... someone I can't have.
I have... my own mental soundtrack for every mood and activity.
I wish... things weren't so complicated.
I hate... bad drivers.
I fear... trusting other people, especially with my heart.
I hear... my own self doubt.
I search... for meaning and worth.
I wonder... if there's a convent for pagans.
I regret... staying too long when I knew it was time to leave, more than once.
I love... the immensity of nature.
I ache... emotionally, mentally, and physically, in that order.
I always... ask questions.
I am not... very good at letting go.
I dance... any time I hear a beat, even if it's only in my head.
I sing... every day just because it makes me happy.
I cry... always at movies, but rarely in my own life.
I am not always... nice or tolerant.
I write... because there's nobody to talk to who would understand.
I won... the geography bee in 5th grade.
I lost... my openness and enthusiasm. It used to be there, I swear.
I confuse... the people who try to be close to me.
I get confused by... mixed signals, and my own emotions.
I listen... carefully and intently.
I think... too much.
I can... love unconditionally, ignore ambivalently, and cut very sharply, all at the same time.
I feel... lost and alone.
I choose... safety over adventure, even though I dream of adventure every day.
I try... to do the best I can.
I need... someone to hold me.
Credit to Jennicula for inspiration.
I want... someone I can't have.
I have... my own mental soundtrack for every mood and activity.
I wish... things weren't so complicated.
I hate... bad drivers.
I fear... trusting other people, especially with my heart.
I hear... my own self doubt.
I search... for meaning and worth.
I wonder... if there's a convent for pagans.
I regret... staying too long when I knew it was time to leave, more than once.
I love... the immensity of nature.
I ache... emotionally, mentally, and physically, in that order.
I always... ask questions.
I am not... very good at letting go.
I dance... any time I hear a beat, even if it's only in my head.
I sing... every day just because it makes me happy.
I cry... always at movies, but rarely in my own life.
I am not always... nice or tolerant.
I write... because there's nobody to talk to who would understand.
I won... the geography bee in 5th grade.
I lost... my openness and enthusiasm. It used to be there, I swear.
I confuse... the people who try to be close to me.
I get confused by... mixed signals, and my own emotions.
I listen... carefully and intently.
I think... too much.
I can... love unconditionally, ignore ambivalently, and cut very sharply, all at the same time.
I feel... lost and alone.
I choose... safety over adventure, even though I dream of adventure every day.
I try... to do the best I can.
I need... someone to hold me.
Credit to Jennicula for inspiration.
Monday, June 23, 2008
Is It The Exercise?
I started this circuit training class at work. It kicks my ass two days a week. Now at week 4, I think I'm actually feeling more energetic overall. This was one of my goals in taking the class, so I'm pretty darn happy about it.
I woke up at around 9am on both Saturday and Sunday, which is way early for me on a weekend, and I actually felt rested. Not only that, but I got shit done. I cleaned two whole rooms in my apartment, and did massive amounts of laundry and dishes. And I was excited about it! I felt like I accomplished something for a change, instead of just feeling like an unmotivated lump. I managed to do all that and play Warcraft (which would normally prevent me from doing anything else).
The down side to the exercise is that I'm losing weight. I've dropped almost 4 pounds in the last 4 weeks. This is not a good thing. I was underweight to start with, and now I'm down to what I weighed in high school.
My coworker has a theory that I'm starting to build lean mass, and once my muscles start to grow, I'll actually start gaining. I hope he's right. I'd love to gain some muscle weight.
Being underweight comes with its own set of health problems, and for me it's compounded by the fact that I've got issues with blood sugar levels and now gluten intolerance. Normally, I don't absorb nutrients from the food I eat, so I get very cold and tired after most meals, and I'm pretty low energy in general. But I think this training might really be helping. Feeling awake and motivated is awesome. If I could continue to improve my energy level and also gain 5-10 pounds, that would be ideal.
We'll see how it goes. At least this is a positive start.
I woke up at around 9am on both Saturday and Sunday, which is way early for me on a weekend, and I actually felt rested. Not only that, but I got shit done. I cleaned two whole rooms in my apartment, and did massive amounts of laundry and dishes. And I was excited about it! I felt like I accomplished something for a change, instead of just feeling like an unmotivated lump. I managed to do all that and play Warcraft (which would normally prevent me from doing anything else).
The down side to the exercise is that I'm losing weight. I've dropped almost 4 pounds in the last 4 weeks. This is not a good thing. I was underweight to start with, and now I'm down to what I weighed in high school.
My coworker has a theory that I'm starting to build lean mass, and once my muscles start to grow, I'll actually start gaining. I hope he's right. I'd love to gain some muscle weight.
Being underweight comes with its own set of health problems, and for me it's compounded by the fact that I've got issues with blood sugar levels and now gluten intolerance. Normally, I don't absorb nutrients from the food I eat, so I get very cold and tired after most meals, and I'm pretty low energy in general. But I think this training might really be helping. Feeling awake and motivated is awesome. If I could continue to improve my energy level and also gain 5-10 pounds, that would be ideal.
We'll see how it goes. At least this is a positive start.
Friday, June 20, 2008
This Song Is Over
Extraction.
It's for the best, for everyone involved.
The old familiar "me" can reside more comfortably in my skin.
No more heartache. No more sorrow.
At least for now.
All that reflection in the last post.
A little meaningless now, but not completely.
Self examination always has value.
I still need to decide and overcome.
Or decide to overcome.
Whatever.
It's Friday, it's Summer Solstice, and it's beautiful outside.
I just want to enjoy life today.
No more heartache. No more sorrow.
At least for now.
Searching for a note, pure and easy
Playing so free, like a breath rippling by
It's for the best, for everyone involved.
The old familiar "me" can reside more comfortably in my skin.
No more heartache. No more sorrow.
At least for now.
All that reflection in the last post.
A little meaningless now, but not completely.
Self examination always has value.
I still need to decide and overcome.
Or decide to overcome.
Whatever.
It's Friday, it's Summer Solstice, and it's beautiful outside.
I just want to enjoy life today.
No more heartache. No more sorrow.
At least for now.
Searching for a note, pure and easy
Playing so free, like a breath rippling by
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Feelings, Sensations That You Thought Were Dead
I think I've become a little crazy.
Ok, ok... let's be honest. I've been a little crazy for a long time.
But for some reason, this week in particular, I've seen a certain side of myself come out into the open, the side that is anxious and excited about what could be, but completely bored and careless with what is. It's been a few years since the last time this happened. It causes simultaneous release and worry; release because I don't feel so weighed down by responsibility, but worry because the cost of that release is that I let my responsibilities slide. Especially at work.
When I was in college, I had a couple summers that were like this. The first was after my freshman year, when I went home to live at my mom's house.
I hated living at home. My mom was overbearing, my sister was a tiny screaming toddler, and my step-father, while no longer living in the house because my parents were in the middle of divorce, was still present and difficult to be around.
I made friends with a boy at my summer job, working at Ace Hardware. He was a year older than me and had gone to a different high school. His best friend worked at the grocery store next to Ace, and he would come over for lunch on most days.
The three of us started to hang out after work, and within a few weeks, I was going to the boy's house every day. I just stopped coming home at night. I would leave work, drive to his house, and we would have all sorts of fun drinking, playing games, going to parties, driving all over the island, listening to loud music while jumping on the bed (mostly Blondie and Ozzy Osbourne - weird combination, right?). I would wake up with a hangover, haul my ass off the couch or floor, and go back to work.
Our supervisor, who was a partier herself, could see that were having a good time together, so she started giving us the same days off, which was awesome. We would sleep in late, go out to breakfast, and go swimming all day. One day we went to Whistle Lake up on Fidalgo Island, and the boys jumped off the tall rocks into the water while I floated around the shallows. At night we would swim and sometimes skinny dip in the lake at the city park, making glowing green angle wings in the black phosphorescent water.
It was the best summer I've ever had, still to this day. I had never been as wild and reckless. I did a few things I'm not proud of, but mostly all my memories of that time are positive. I had never defied my mom by staying away from home for so long. She was forced to recognize that I wasn't a child anymore. I had never been that drunk, or for as many days at a time. It's really a miracle that one of us didn't die from alcohol poisoning or from driving drunk. We took so many questionable late night drives on the winding island roads. I had never been so close to two guys without being in a relationship with either one of them. Those boys took good care of me. They were honorable like big brothers, and I loved them both.
I had a huge crush on the one I worked with, and he had a crush on me too. Looking back, I think I was actually in love with him. But I had a boyfriend at college who had also gone home for the summer, and he had an ex-girlfriend that he was still in love with. So we spent all summer hanging out together, hugging, snuggling, flirting, holding hands, but never kissing, and never coming close to having sex.
He always told me that I was meant to do more in my life, that I was meant to be with someone who was smart like I am, graduate from college, and have a successful career and a happy life. For some reason, he didn't see his own future in the same way. At the time, I didn't care about my future. If he had given the word, I would've quit school, broken up with my boyfriend, and stayed on the island with him for the rest of my life. I had so much fun with him. I always wanted to be with him.
But I couldn't be.
It was hard to part with him in the fall. I cried when I drove back to school, but once I was back, I went on with life as usual... or what had been usual before the summer.
He's married now and has a little girl. He lives on the east coast somewhere, and he's in the military. Thankfully, he survived his first tour in Iraq. I still think about him often and hope that he's happy. I wonder if he thinks of me too.
That summer was amazing. I was so free and so happy. It seems like it's been an entire lifetime since I felt like that. When I'm frustrated with the current state of my life, I always think back to that summer and wish I could have it back to live again. I want to stay in that time forever.
Since then, certain events in my life have made me feel the same sense of reckless abandon, most notably the events in the summer that followed. But as I get older, those events are fewer and farther between.
Sometimes it happens when I discover a new passion. Like, when I first bought my bass guitar, I didn't want to do anything but play music all the time. I joined a band and focused all my free energy on playing. I was worthless at work, I didn't care about what I was doing there. I just wanted the day to end so I could play music. Sometimes I would chat with my bandmates while at work, or even write music while at work, instead of actually working. When my bandmates tossed me out of the band, it all came crashing down, and I was forced to return to reality and accept my responsibilities.
Sometimes it happens after I've been in a bad situation for a long time and I finally get out of it. I feel free and I want to reinvent myself and start all over again. Like, when I finally broke up with my college boyfriend. He had abused me, mentally, emotionally, and physically. When he left school for the summer, I went crazy in the best sort of way and spent all my time enjoying life and ignoring my responsibilities and commitments. (This was the second summer of wildness.)
It always happens when I fall in love. It's so exhilarating to share the passion, excitement, and playfulness of a new relationship, that newfound sense of belonging, wanting someone who wants you right back, laughing together, developing those little inside jokes that no one else knows or understands. You're in your own world, and to hell with everyone else. Nothing is more important that this moment, right now.
But I'm not going through any of those things, so why the sudden change in attitude? Why the emergence of this "other" side of me that I haven't seen in so many years? And why, if I feel more carefree, do I also feel a greater sense of dread?
I haven't discovered any new passion. Lately, I'm not even excited enough to play Warcraft, and I'm too anxious to sit still long enough for anything else. I've got the attention span of 5-year-old right now.
I haven't been released from any bad situation. I still carry the weight of all my responsibilities and frustrations, some of which, admittedly, are self-imposed.
I have possibly fallen in love, although not in a way that is healthy for me. I really should know better. If I had half a brain I would back out now while painless extraction is still possible. The fact that I know this is a bad idea for a variety of reasons makes the whole experience feel odd. I'm excited yet withdrawn, even paranoid. I want to let it consume me, but I know I should maintain my distance. Very strange mixed feelings.
Hmm... perhaps I've just answered one of my own questions...
What makes me sad is that no aspect of my life right now will ever lead me back to that summer, or any experience similar to it. As we get older, it seems like it's less likely that those situations just happen on their own. Opportunities must be made on purpose, and they must be firmly rooted in reality or they will fail. I think that's the saddest part of all. What happened to spontaneity and random chance? Does it still exist? Could it still exist for me? What if the best I have to look forward to is the same job for another 3-5 years, or another job just like it? What if that 3-5 years passes by and I'm still alone? What if I'm never again as happy as I was that summer?
These are the thoughts that keep me awake at night, that keep me from getting work done during the day, that keep me from sitting still long enough to focus on any one thing. Nothing seems more important than the answers to these questions. Everything in the present is meaningless if I don't know where I'm going, or if where I'm going isn't where I actually want to go.
Really, everything this week comes back to the figurative whack on the head. That's what awakened my senses and began this cycle of pondering and questioning. I keep asking myself, why this? Why now? But I think I know why. The real question is, will I use this wake-up call as a catalyst for positive change? Or will I let it consume me in an unhealthy and unsafe obsession? Or will I linger somewhere in the middle, having fun with the situation, but doing nothing to address the emotions and the problems it has brought to light?
This is what I must decide.
The challenge is dealing with all the fear and pain built up from the experiences that happened in between those crazy wild times. When I wasn't in good situations, I was in some very bad ones. I've been hurt and damaged and forced into a shell that I now find it difficult to escape from. It protected me when I needed it, but now it is stifling. What if I'm too afraid to live? What if I'm too broken to be whole again? What if no one will love me, or what if they do but I can't accept it?
This is what I must overcome.
As the weather gets warmer, I look out my office window and remember those days. All I want to do is get off work, run and jump into a lake. Be with my best friends who I love, who love me, who understand me. Be crazy. Have fun. Not think about everything else in life. Just live for now.
Is it possible to do that again? If it is, am I brave enough to do it? Can I chase after what I want and not be afraid to fall down?
No squealing, remember that it's all in your head
Ok, ok... let's be honest. I've been a little crazy for a long time.
But for some reason, this week in particular, I've seen a certain side of myself come out into the open, the side that is anxious and excited about what could be, but completely bored and careless with what is. It's been a few years since the last time this happened. It causes simultaneous release and worry; release because I don't feel so weighed down by responsibility, but worry because the cost of that release is that I let my responsibilities slide. Especially at work.
When I was in college, I had a couple summers that were like this. The first was after my freshman year, when I went home to live at my mom's house.
I hated living at home. My mom was overbearing, my sister was a tiny screaming toddler, and my step-father, while no longer living in the house because my parents were in the middle of divorce, was still present and difficult to be around.
I made friends with a boy at my summer job, working at Ace Hardware. He was a year older than me and had gone to a different high school. His best friend worked at the grocery store next to Ace, and he would come over for lunch on most days.
The three of us started to hang out after work, and within a few weeks, I was going to the boy's house every day. I just stopped coming home at night. I would leave work, drive to his house, and we would have all sorts of fun drinking, playing games, going to parties, driving all over the island, listening to loud music while jumping on the bed (mostly Blondie and Ozzy Osbourne - weird combination, right?). I would wake up with a hangover, haul my ass off the couch or floor, and go back to work.
Our supervisor, who was a partier herself, could see that were having a good time together, so she started giving us the same days off, which was awesome. We would sleep in late, go out to breakfast, and go swimming all day. One day we went to Whistle Lake up on Fidalgo Island, and the boys jumped off the tall rocks into the water while I floated around the shallows. At night we would swim and sometimes skinny dip in the lake at the city park, making glowing green angle wings in the black phosphorescent water.
It was the best summer I've ever had, still to this day. I had never been as wild and reckless. I did a few things I'm not proud of, but mostly all my memories of that time are positive. I had never defied my mom by staying away from home for so long. She was forced to recognize that I wasn't a child anymore. I had never been that drunk, or for as many days at a time. It's really a miracle that one of us didn't die from alcohol poisoning or from driving drunk. We took so many questionable late night drives on the winding island roads. I had never been so close to two guys without being in a relationship with either one of them. Those boys took good care of me. They were honorable like big brothers, and I loved them both.
I had a huge crush on the one I worked with, and he had a crush on me too. Looking back, I think I was actually in love with him. But I had a boyfriend at college who had also gone home for the summer, and he had an ex-girlfriend that he was still in love with. So we spent all summer hanging out together, hugging, snuggling, flirting, holding hands, but never kissing, and never coming close to having sex.
He always told me that I was meant to do more in my life, that I was meant to be with someone who was smart like I am, graduate from college, and have a successful career and a happy life. For some reason, he didn't see his own future in the same way. At the time, I didn't care about my future. If he had given the word, I would've quit school, broken up with my boyfriend, and stayed on the island with him for the rest of my life. I had so much fun with him. I always wanted to be with him.
But I couldn't be.
It was hard to part with him in the fall. I cried when I drove back to school, but once I was back, I went on with life as usual... or what had been usual before the summer.
He's married now and has a little girl. He lives on the east coast somewhere, and he's in the military. Thankfully, he survived his first tour in Iraq. I still think about him often and hope that he's happy. I wonder if he thinks of me too.
That summer was amazing. I was so free and so happy. It seems like it's been an entire lifetime since I felt like that. When I'm frustrated with the current state of my life, I always think back to that summer and wish I could have it back to live again. I want to stay in that time forever.
Since then, certain events in my life have made me feel the same sense of reckless abandon, most notably the events in the summer that followed. But as I get older, those events are fewer and farther between.
Sometimes it happens when I discover a new passion. Like, when I first bought my bass guitar, I didn't want to do anything but play music all the time. I joined a band and focused all my free energy on playing. I was worthless at work, I didn't care about what I was doing there. I just wanted the day to end so I could play music. Sometimes I would chat with my bandmates while at work, or even write music while at work, instead of actually working. When my bandmates tossed me out of the band, it all came crashing down, and I was forced to return to reality and accept my responsibilities.
Sometimes it happens after I've been in a bad situation for a long time and I finally get out of it. I feel free and I want to reinvent myself and start all over again. Like, when I finally broke up with my college boyfriend. He had abused me, mentally, emotionally, and physically. When he left school for the summer, I went crazy in the best sort of way and spent all my time enjoying life and ignoring my responsibilities and commitments. (This was the second summer of wildness.)
It always happens when I fall in love. It's so exhilarating to share the passion, excitement, and playfulness of a new relationship, that newfound sense of belonging, wanting someone who wants you right back, laughing together, developing those little inside jokes that no one else knows or understands. You're in your own world, and to hell with everyone else. Nothing is more important that this moment, right now.
But I'm not going through any of those things, so why the sudden change in attitude? Why the emergence of this "other" side of me that I haven't seen in so many years? And why, if I feel more carefree, do I also feel a greater sense of dread?
I haven't discovered any new passion. Lately, I'm not even excited enough to play Warcraft, and I'm too anxious to sit still long enough for anything else. I've got the attention span of 5-year-old right now.
I haven't been released from any bad situation. I still carry the weight of all my responsibilities and frustrations, some of which, admittedly, are self-imposed.
I have possibly fallen in love, although not in a way that is healthy for me. I really should know better. If I had half a brain I would back out now while painless extraction is still possible. The fact that I know this is a bad idea for a variety of reasons makes the whole experience feel odd. I'm excited yet withdrawn, even paranoid. I want to let it consume me, but I know I should maintain my distance. Very strange mixed feelings.
Hmm... perhaps I've just answered one of my own questions...
What makes me sad is that no aspect of my life right now will ever lead me back to that summer, or any experience similar to it. As we get older, it seems like it's less likely that those situations just happen on their own. Opportunities must be made on purpose, and they must be firmly rooted in reality or they will fail. I think that's the saddest part of all. What happened to spontaneity and random chance? Does it still exist? Could it still exist for me? What if the best I have to look forward to is the same job for another 3-5 years, or another job just like it? What if that 3-5 years passes by and I'm still alone? What if I'm never again as happy as I was that summer?
These are the thoughts that keep me awake at night, that keep me from getting work done during the day, that keep me from sitting still long enough to focus on any one thing. Nothing seems more important than the answers to these questions. Everything in the present is meaningless if I don't know where I'm going, or if where I'm going isn't where I actually want to go.
Really, everything this week comes back to the figurative whack on the head. That's what awakened my senses and began this cycle of pondering and questioning. I keep asking myself, why this? Why now? But I think I know why. The real question is, will I use this wake-up call as a catalyst for positive change? Or will I let it consume me in an unhealthy and unsafe obsession? Or will I linger somewhere in the middle, having fun with the situation, but doing nothing to address the emotions and the problems it has brought to light?
This is what I must decide.
The challenge is dealing with all the fear and pain built up from the experiences that happened in between those crazy wild times. When I wasn't in good situations, I was in some very bad ones. I've been hurt and damaged and forced into a shell that I now find it difficult to escape from. It protected me when I needed it, but now it is stifling. What if I'm too afraid to live? What if I'm too broken to be whole again? What if no one will love me, or what if they do but I can't accept it?
This is what I must overcome.
As the weather gets warmer, I look out my office window and remember those days. All I want to do is get off work, run and jump into a lake. Be with my best friends who I love, who love me, who understand me. Be crazy. Have fun. Not think about everything else in life. Just live for now.
Is it possible to do that again? If it is, am I brave enough to do it? Can I chase after what I want and not be afraid to fall down?
No squealing, remember that it's all in your head
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Distraction
Something is happening to me, and I don't know what to make of it.
In the last several days, I have been agitated, anxious, moody, and I haven't been able to sleep much. I can't stay focused on anything, I'm always distracted. I just realized last night that I haven't been eating. I'm so distracted that I don't notice I'm not eating. How weird is that? It's almost like I'm having a little manic episode.
Except now, I'm so malnourished and sleep deprived that everything has turned into a big slow motion blur. My eyes feel heavy, the skin on my face feels pulled down, my head is in a fog. All I really want to do is sleep it off, for as long as it takes. Days. Maybe weeks.
I can't concentrate on working right now, so here I am, trying to get this off my chest so I can process it and move on with my day.
Why am I going through this right now?
Is this because of the figurative whack to the head I received the other day? The mental and emotional ambush that sent me into a state of simultaneous joy and panic?
Or is it because of my recent revelation, thanks to a friend, that I'm actually tired of being lonely? I never thought I would get to that point. I have thoroughly enjoyed and benefited from my alone time in the last two years, but suddenly it occurs to me that enough is enough already. I just want someone to hold me and be near me.
Maybe it's because I'm unhappy at work. Things have gotten 100% better at my office since my previous boss was fired, but even so, there's nothing about my job that drives me or inspires me. I'm not excited to be here. When I'm ready to die, and I look back at my life, I don't want this job to have been the way I spent the majority of my time in this world. There has to be more to life than this.
Perhaps my family's dysfunction is part of the cause. I find myself wishing my mom wouldn't call me because I just don't want to hear about it anymore. Then I feel guilty for thinking that, because they're the only family I've got and I love them dearly. I just wish I could understand why they always have to be in crisis mode. Why do they need my input on every little thing, and why do they need it urgently, right now? It wears me down.
I'll bet seeing my ex-boyfriend last week has something to do with it. That guy makes me so mad. The words "trust", "integrity", and "empathy" just aren't in his vocabulary. After he gets married this fall, I will only have one more ex-boyfriend who isn't married. All the others have tied the knot, and some are even having children. If the last one gets married before I find my own companion, I think I'm going to crack. He's already got a head start on me... he's been seeing the same girl for almost a year now. That's big news for him - the guy who's afraid of commitment.
I've also started an exercise class, and I've changed to a gluten free diet, so I'm sure my metabolism is going all haywire right now. My goal in the exercise class is to gain core strength and more overall energy. I'm trying very hard not to lose any weight because I'm already too thin, but I actually lost a pound and a half when I weighed in yesterday. It probably doesn't help that I'm not eating, sleeping, or drinking enough water. I'm surprised I haven't gotten a cold or flu, just from being run down.
I sort of feel like binge drinking, except I can't have beer because it contains gluten. :-(
I don't know. I guess I'm in an all-around funk. Maybe all of the events above have contributed in some way, large or small. I'm a jumbled mess of shattered pieces. Somehow I need to pick it all up, put it back together, and keep living.
Otherwise, I'll become a zombie, and Jennicula will be too afraid of my slow moving instinctual penchant for brain consumption to hang out with me anymore.
... ZombieAndrea... must eat brains...
In the last several days, I have been agitated, anxious, moody, and I haven't been able to sleep much. I can't stay focused on anything, I'm always distracted. I just realized last night that I haven't been eating. I'm so distracted that I don't notice I'm not eating. How weird is that? It's almost like I'm having a little manic episode.
Except now, I'm so malnourished and sleep deprived that everything has turned into a big slow motion blur. My eyes feel heavy, the skin on my face feels pulled down, my head is in a fog. All I really want to do is sleep it off, for as long as it takes. Days. Maybe weeks.
I can't concentrate on working right now, so here I am, trying to get this off my chest so I can process it and move on with my day.
Why am I going through this right now?
Is this because of the figurative whack to the head I received the other day? The mental and emotional ambush that sent me into a state of simultaneous joy and panic?
Or is it because of my recent revelation, thanks to a friend, that I'm actually tired of being lonely? I never thought I would get to that point. I have thoroughly enjoyed and benefited from my alone time in the last two years, but suddenly it occurs to me that enough is enough already. I just want someone to hold me and be near me.
Maybe it's because I'm unhappy at work. Things have gotten 100% better at my office since my previous boss was fired, but even so, there's nothing about my job that drives me or inspires me. I'm not excited to be here. When I'm ready to die, and I look back at my life, I don't want this job to have been the way I spent the majority of my time in this world. There has to be more to life than this.
Perhaps my family's dysfunction is part of the cause. I find myself wishing my mom wouldn't call me because I just don't want to hear about it anymore. Then I feel guilty for thinking that, because they're the only family I've got and I love them dearly. I just wish I could understand why they always have to be in crisis mode. Why do they need my input on every little thing, and why do they need it urgently, right now? It wears me down.
I'll bet seeing my ex-boyfriend last week has something to do with it. That guy makes me so mad. The words "trust", "integrity", and "empathy" just aren't in his vocabulary. After he gets married this fall, I will only have one more ex-boyfriend who isn't married. All the others have tied the knot, and some are even having children. If the last one gets married before I find my own companion, I think I'm going to crack. He's already got a head start on me... he's been seeing the same girl for almost a year now. That's big news for him - the guy who's afraid of commitment.
I've also started an exercise class, and I've changed to a gluten free diet, so I'm sure my metabolism is going all haywire right now. My goal in the exercise class is to gain core strength and more overall energy. I'm trying very hard not to lose any weight because I'm already too thin, but I actually lost a pound and a half when I weighed in yesterday. It probably doesn't help that I'm not eating, sleeping, or drinking enough water. I'm surprised I haven't gotten a cold or flu, just from being run down.
I sort of feel like binge drinking, except I can't have beer because it contains gluten. :-(
I don't know. I guess I'm in an all-around funk. Maybe all of the events above have contributed in some way, large or small. I'm a jumbled mess of shattered pieces. Somehow I need to pick it all up, put it back together, and keep living.
Otherwise, I'll become a zombie, and Jennicula will be too afraid of my slow moving instinctual penchant for brain consumption to hang out with me anymore.
... ZombieAndrea... must eat brains...
Dude, This Totally Rules
First off, can I just say how much I love Rivers Cuomo? Seriously, the guy's my frickin' hero.
Weezer is hosting a hootenanny. Several of them, actually - they're traveling to a few different cites, and inviting a whole bunch of people to come and play with them in a great big jam session. It will be recorded for radio play.
How cool is this? Who doesn't want to play music with one of their favorite bands?
The whole idea of a hootenanny... what band invites their fans to play along with them?
When I saw Green Day a few years back, they brought a couple fans up on stage to play their instruments. That was pretty kick ass. But it was only 3 people. Weezer is inviting a whole bunch of people, and everyone will play together. This is the most awesome idea ever! This is why I love Weezer.
I absolutely must be part of this, but I haven't found out how. weezer.com says they'll be in Portland, OR on Thursday 6/19, but none of the Portland radio stations have any information yet. I'm carefully watching and waiting.
I already dusted off my bass guitar and started brushing up on my Weezer tunes. But if I actually get to do this, I don't know if I'll take my bass or just sing. I'm a much better singer than bass player.
Anyway... I hope it happens, and I hope I get in. So cool!
Weezer is hosting a hootenanny. Several of them, actually - they're traveling to a few different cites, and inviting a whole bunch of people to come and play with them in a great big jam session. It will be recorded for radio play.
How cool is this? Who doesn't want to play music with one of their favorite bands?
The whole idea of a hootenanny... what band invites their fans to play along with them?
When I saw Green Day a few years back, they brought a couple fans up on stage to play their instruments. That was pretty kick ass. But it was only 3 people. Weezer is inviting a whole bunch of people, and everyone will play together. This is the most awesome idea ever! This is why I love Weezer.
I absolutely must be part of this, but I haven't found out how. weezer.com says they'll be in Portland, OR on Thursday 6/19, but none of the Portland radio stations have any information yet. I'm carefully watching and waiting.
I already dusted off my bass guitar and started brushing up on my Weezer tunes. But if I actually get to do this, I don't know if I'll take my bass or just sing. I'm a much better singer than bass player.
Anyway... I hope it happens, and I hope I get in. So cool!
Sunday, June 15, 2008
*Whack!*
Sometimes things happen that you don't expect, and they hit you hard and fast like an open-palmed slap upside the head. It makes your head spin. You might even see a few stars circling overhead. Do you shake it off and keep walking? Or indulge yourself by lingering in the temporary euphoria? How long is it safe to stay? And do you make that decision before, or after the shit hits the fan?
Friday, June 13, 2008
Fireworks
My internet life always gets more exciting when Alie shows up. Hooray for free wireless, Alie! I can't wait until UCB gets back on and starts making waves. What if The Black Rose were to show up too?
For the last couple months, I've been thinking about rejoining the "family" at Mayo's house. I've posted some comments on other people's blogs, sort of seeking advice on the matter. I miss people there. It's a lot harder to keep in touch with people without a centralized forum. As recently as last week, I was looking at comments on Mayo's, and I came very, very close to responding. I miss being part of the group, I really do.
Then I noticed Alie had commented at Mayo's, and within minutes, the anons started to tear her apart.
Ah, yes... now I remember why I left. People bash my friends at Mayo's. When I see my friends getting bashed, I feel compelled to step in and defend them. Then I get bashed too. Pretty soon, little snippets from my blog start to show up at Mayo's, reposted out of context by some anonymous, for what reason I could never guess.
This is why I should not go back. I can't participate in a conversation where me or my friends are being attacked without getting upset and feeling hurt or angry. So it's best if I just don't participate at all.
But I will say that reading the anonymous comments, when everyone thinks Alie is some sort of instigator, is extremely entertaining. I will definitely stop in once in a while to catch up on the latest.
Welcome back, Alie. I've missed you!
For the last couple months, I've been thinking about rejoining the "family" at Mayo's house. I've posted some comments on other people's blogs, sort of seeking advice on the matter. I miss people there. It's a lot harder to keep in touch with people without a centralized forum. As recently as last week, I was looking at comments on Mayo's, and I came very, very close to responding. I miss being part of the group, I really do.
Then I noticed Alie had commented at Mayo's, and within minutes, the anons started to tear her apart.
Ah, yes... now I remember why I left. People bash my friends at Mayo's. When I see my friends getting bashed, I feel compelled to step in and defend them. Then I get bashed too. Pretty soon, little snippets from my blog start to show up at Mayo's, reposted out of context by some anonymous, for what reason I could never guess.
This is why I should not go back. I can't participate in a conversation where me or my friends are being attacked without getting upset and feeling hurt or angry. So it's best if I just don't participate at all.
But I will say that reading the anonymous comments, when everyone thinks Alie is some sort of instigator, is extremely entertaining. I will definitely stop in once in a while to catch up on the latest.
Welcome back, Alie. I've missed you!
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Uneasy
So my ex-boyfriend dropped off one of our cats tonight. I hadn't seen him in over a year, and it was weird and awkward. We had three cats when we lived together. When we split up, I took one, and he kept the other two. Now that he's getting married this fall, he doesn't want the other two anymore. I agreed to take one of them, in addition to the one I already had, and we still don't know what we're going to do with the third. So I've got this very sweet but very nervous cat right now, and I'm still a little disturbed by the fact that I had to see my ex tonight. It was actually a little revolting. Funny how feelings change over time. I used to be attracted to that guy? I mean, obviously, right? I lived with him for 2 years, and dated him for several years before we moved in together. But now I'm just angry that he's such a retard who caused me so many problems, and seeing him tonight kind of grossed me out. I haven't been able to relax since we made the cat hand-off, although that's partially because both cats have been hissing at each other all evening.
Every time I'm feeling lonely and wishing for companionship, all I have to do is think about my ex. Suddenly I become very content with my solitary life.
I just feel bad for the cats.
And the fact that I'm now one step closer to becoming a crazy old cat lady.
Every time I'm feeling lonely and wishing for companionship, all I have to do is think about my ex. Suddenly I become very content with my solitary life.
I just feel bad for the cats.
And the fact that I'm now one step closer to becoming a crazy old cat lady.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
I Miss The Beach Already
I was going to write this in a comment, but you know me... I can't keep anything short. So, might as well post a new blog about it!
Camping was very, very good. At the end of the weekend, I wasn't ready to come back to civilization.
I love to camp, although I'm not sure I could live off the land and sleep on rocks. I'm all about hauling my cooler and my comfy sleeping bag to a camp ground that has flushing toilets, and sitting around the camp fire drinking and smoking with my friends.
It was cold and rainy the entire time, which meant I didn't use any insect repellent at all. We don't really get bugs here until later in the summer when the weather warms up. Although they do flock to the camp fire - I did get two small bites because my shirt came up in the back while I was bending over the fire.
I went out to the beach at low tide and took a zillion pictures of starfish and anemones. I did a lot of walking... walked in the woods, on the beach, along the river... I was actually a little sore at the end of the weekend.
Anyway... Monday morning back at work, I kept thinking about crawling back into my tent for the rest of the week.
Someday I'm going to win the lottery. I'll quit my job and spend all my time alternating between movies/warcraft and the woods/mountains/beach. Ah... lots of daydream material there...
On a completely unrelated note, tomorrow I'm getting one of my old cats back, and I'm a little stressed out about it. For one thing, I already have one cat, and she has a history of not getting along well with others. For another thing, the cat I'm getting has a problem with peeing outside the litterbox. He's a super sweet boy, but he scares easily, and he'll probably cry all night for the first few weeks. He's being separated from his sister, who he's never been apart from. To top it off, the cat delivery is being made by my ex-boyfriend, who wants to get rid of both cats because he's getting his floors re-done, and he's getting married this fall. I haven't seen him in over a year, and it's been nice. I'm not looking forward to this awkward exchange.
Blah.
[Visions of the beach, and cuddling up in my warm sleeping bag]
My camp site
Home sweet home!
My friend and his lady, instruments in hand
The many black dots in the water are surfers
Interesting geology
This river empties into the ocean just beyond the trees
Starfish!
Camping was very, very good. At the end of the weekend, I wasn't ready to come back to civilization.
I love to camp, although I'm not sure I could live off the land and sleep on rocks. I'm all about hauling my cooler and my comfy sleeping bag to a camp ground that has flushing toilets, and sitting around the camp fire drinking and smoking with my friends.
It was cold and rainy the entire time, which meant I didn't use any insect repellent at all. We don't really get bugs here until later in the summer when the weather warms up. Although they do flock to the camp fire - I did get two small bites because my shirt came up in the back while I was bending over the fire.
I went out to the beach at low tide and took a zillion pictures of starfish and anemones. I did a lot of walking... walked in the woods, on the beach, along the river... I was actually a little sore at the end of the weekend.
Anyway... Monday morning back at work, I kept thinking about crawling back into my tent for the rest of the week.
Someday I'm going to win the lottery. I'll quit my job and spend all my time alternating between movies/warcraft and the woods/mountains/beach. Ah... lots of daydream material there...
On a completely unrelated note, tomorrow I'm getting one of my old cats back, and I'm a little stressed out about it. For one thing, I already have one cat, and she has a history of not getting along well with others. For another thing, the cat I'm getting has a problem with peeing outside the litterbox. He's a super sweet boy, but he scares easily, and he'll probably cry all night for the first few weeks. He's being separated from his sister, who he's never been apart from. To top it off, the cat delivery is being made by my ex-boyfriend, who wants to get rid of both cats because he's getting his floors re-done, and he's getting married this fall. I haven't seen him in over a year, and it's been nice. I'm not looking forward to this awkward exchange.
Blah.
[Visions of the beach, and cuddling up in my warm sleeping bag]
My camp site
Home sweet home!
My friend and his lady, instruments in hand
The many black dots in the water are surfers
Interesting geology
This river empties into the ocean just beyond the trees
Starfish!
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Nature Break
I took tomorrow off work so I could go camping with an old friend for his birthday. I'm heading out to the coast tomorrow around midday. The weather is supposed to be cold and rainy, typical for Oregon this time of year. I will totally freeze my ass off. It'll be great!
My friend hangs with the Burning Man crowd. He invited a lot of people to come camping this weekend, but I have no idea how many will show up, or what sort of folks they'll be.
I DO know that there will be music. My friend plays the didgeridoo, and most of his friends play some kind of instrument as well. I'm hoping for a laid back evening chorus, perhaps with tasty beverages. ^_^
I'm supposed to camp for two nights, but if the weather makes me too unhappy, I might come home early. We'll see how it goes.
Hooray for Fridays off work!
My friend hangs with the Burning Man crowd. He invited a lot of people to come camping this weekend, but I have no idea how many will show up, or what sort of folks they'll be.
I DO know that there will be music. My friend plays the didgeridoo, and most of his friends play some kind of instrument as well. I'm hoping for a laid back evening chorus, perhaps with tasty beverages. ^_^
I'm supposed to camp for two nights, but if the weather makes me too unhappy, I might come home early. We'll see how it goes.
Hooray for Fridays off work!
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