On My Own

After I cried out all the anger and disbelief, a strange calm settled in.

Like so many times before, I'm on my own.

There's comfort in that. I have lots of experience getting through depression by myself. I know how to do that.

Yet I still couldn't sleep last night.

I've always had this vision in my head of what a partner should be. The one person in the world who would always understand, encourage, and support, especially where others may have failed at doing so. No matter what.

But we are still two different people with different ideas, opinions, and beliefs. Different standards of what's right and wrong.

Maybe my vision wasn't realistic, and maybe I just have to let it go. We're going to disagree about some things.

I just hoped this particular issue wouldn't be the sticking point it's turned out to be. This one is important to me, more so than many others. It's my health we're talking about here. It's hard to let that go.

But... I've been more depressed than this in the past. I've been more angry and more hopeless. I've had worse job situations. I've been in terrible relationships, had bad financial problems, and all kinds of other things that were definitely worse than now.

So I'm on my own, and I'm in a tough spot, but it could be worse. I don't need Joe's approval, agreement, or even support. I've made it through things like this by myself in the past, and I can do it again.

Not my favorite place to be, but I can deal with it.

I just really hoped it would be different this time. I guess it is what it is.

Doubt

This is totally preliminary, because I really need to sleep on it before I'm going to understand what I'm thinking here. I just needed to jot it down before bed...

Joe and I had a fight which mostly stemmed from me being depressed.

Joe is frustrated because he sees me being sad all the time. He wants me to snap out of it. He thinks I could be doing more to channel... something... I didn't really understand what he was trying to say. He's also got his own issues to deal with, obviously. (I'm way over simplifying here.)

I'm frustrated because I feel that Joe isn't willing to learn more about depression and bipolar disorder, or change the way he deals with me in this context. He has pre-formed opinions about what these conditions are, and he doesn't seem willing to look at it any other way. (Again, over simplifying.)

The thing I'm having trouble with is, how can he so totally lack empathy? When I met Joe, what made me fall in love with him was the fact that he could see who I was. He saw through all my barriers, and he accepted me for who I am.

But now I feel like he sees me having these problems, and he's completely turned off to me because of it. He thinks I should just be able to control it somehow. As if I haven't already tried. He keeps trying to give me all this sage advice about how I just need to change the way I think about things. As if I haven't heard that from everyone else who doesn't understand what depression is. And when I try to explain that it works differently than that, he doesn't want to hear it.

Is it possible that I was wrong about him?

The person I love is perceptive and can see through to the heart of things. But the person I'm talking to now is refusing to look beyond the surface, even when I ask for his help. He says he doesn't know how to help me. I told him he could help by learning more and providing moral support. After a long silent pause, he said "I'm willing to learn more, but..."

This is the first time since Joe and I have been together when I really felt like I was on my own. Sink or swim, but I won't get any help from my partner, because he doesn't believe in medication, and he doesn't think a doctor can change the way I think. There's no "we're in this together" from him. All I'm hearing is a half-hearted, "it's your decision," followed up with silence because he really doesn't agree with my decision. It basically boils down to "you do your thing your way, and I'll do my thing my way." Where's the partnership in that?

Then I start thinking all kinds of crazy things, like why did I even get married? I wanted a life partner, and he was as a perfect fit for me. He filled all the holes in my life that I didn't even know I had. But now I feel like he's opening up a great big new one. Is this how he's going to react to me every time I have a depressive episode? Given the number of episodes I've had in my life, it's very unlikely that this will be the last one. Is he going to turn off to me every time it happens? Am I okay with that? Doesn't "in sickness and in health" mean anything?

I realize that I'm feeling hurt and angry because the fight is still fresh in my mind, and many of these thoughts will probably fade by morning. But even when the anger subsides, I feel like I have to think seriously about this. I've never doubted my marriage before. As soon as I made the choice to be with Joe, I was all in, for life. Do I have reason to doubt it now?

Am I just feeling this way because I'm hurt over one argument, or is it deeper than that? Is it my fault that I'm depressed? Am I really not doing enough to try to overcome it on my own? Am I just confused? What the hell is going on???

This is a very strange place to be. I almost feel like calling a crisis hotline. I am completely rattled.

Lackluster

Visits with my family are always a mixed blessing.

The night I arrived at my mom's, she and my sister got in a fight. They both egg each other on, and there's really nothing I can do to intervene without making it worse. So I sit, uncomfortably quiet, and wait for it to blow over.

Thanksgiving day was actually really good. My mom made a blackberry pie. I fixed my sister's old computer, and hooked up my mom's new one. My mom started dinner and the house filled with tasty smells. I'm pretty sure my sister got high at least 3 times during the day - I think that's the only way she managed to be so pleasant. She was on good behavior, and she and my mom mostly got along. Dinner was amazing - I ate way too much food. And my mom and sister watched TV together and laughed, which is something I don't see often.

The day after Thanksgiving, my sister had plans to hang out with her friends. She left pretty early. My mom and I drove to Mt. Vernon to have lunch. My mom talked at me the whole way there and back about the same old drama. My sister, my ex-step-dad, my dad, my grandma and aunts, my mom's counselor moving away. I've heard it all a million times before. I felt like a captive in the car, unable to talk about any of my own issues. Every time I talk about me, she finds a way to make it about her. With all the things I have going on in my own life right now, it's especially difficult to feel bogged down by hers. I keep telling her she needs to find a new counselor, because I'm not a professional. It goes in one ear and out the other.

On Saturday morning, my mom and sister got in another fight, waking me up with yelling before I was ready to be awake. They each think they're being treated unfairly. They can never meet in the middle. I hate listening to it. It reminds me of when I was in high school, and my bedroom was the only safe place, even though I could always hear the fighting between my mom and step-dad. Now my step-dad is gone, but my sister acts just like him. The fights are always the same, and my bedroom is my sister's now, so there's no safe place for me anymore. I was thankful to be leaving that day.

I stopped at Dick's on the way home - my favorite cheeseburgers and fries in Seattle. Then I had a long sleepy drive in Joe's car. It was almost dark at 4:00pm when I finally got home.

Today I'm feeling especially unmotivated. My visit with my family was both good and bad. I didn't get to talk to Joe for more than a few minutes at a time because my cell signal sucks at my mom's house. I missed him on the holiday. I wish I had come home on Friday so I'd have one more day of weekend to myself to recharge. I feel tired today, and I've got a serious case of the Sundays - I do not want to go to work tomorrow.

The dress I ordered for the christmas party arrived on Friday and was waiting on my doorstep when I got home yesterday. I tried it on, and I got to show it to Joe through the webcam. I took it to get dry cleaned today. It looks and feels just like my wedding dress, only less heavy because it's not full length, and of course it's a different color.

I'm happy to have made a decision on the dress, but I'm still pretty "blah" on the whole party concept. I guess I'm feeling like there's not a lot to celebrate this year. My husband isn't here, and lately I haven't been able to talk to him much. My job is still shitty and there are no signs of improvement in the near future. My search for a new job has turned up zero results. My family is as full of drama as ever. My cat is having health problems. My car is giving me trouble. And my health... I started taking Wellbutrin, and it's helping, but I still feel depressed a lot. I'm tired of coping with everything. I don't want to do it anymore.

I don't know though, maybe the party will be a pick-me-up. I could sure use one.

On the bright side, I finally connected with a psychiatrist who is accepting new patients, and I have an appointment with her for an assessment in a couple weeks.

That's all for now.

Blues

I'm not the type of person to get all sentimental during holiday season, but I must admit that I feel more sad than usual that Joey's not here.

Last year on Thanksgiving he rescued me from a holiday of loneliness (and no turkey) by inviting me to his family's place. That was the first time I met his mom. Thanksgiving is his favorite holiday. Mine too.

This year I will be going to my mom's for roast chicken (because my finicky sister won't eat turkey). It will be a nice visit - if I ever get a break from installing and fixing computers. I'm their own personal tech support. That's not really how I want to spend my holiday.

Last year I got all dressed up and went to the army Christmas party with Joe, and then he came to my company's party the following week.

This year, I asked him to help me pick out a dress for my company's party - I sent him some websites I'd been looking at, and he even asked the guys near him for their opinions. (2 to 1 in favor of the sexy berry colored halter.) The dress finally arrived today, and I tried it on. I even danced around in front of the webcam, although I had to email him the video because he's out on a mission right now.

I don't like picking out and trying on a sexy dress when I know Joey's not here to see it. It just seems like there's no point in looking sexy right now.

After I tried on dresses, I put on my wedding dress. It's so beautiful. It reminded me of our wedding outside in the grass under the oak trees. We just barely missed the rain storm that came less than hour later. My dress still has grass and mud stains at the hem.

I love that dress so much, and I'm so "meh" on the sexy dress -- I decided to order a shorter version of my wedding dress in a more festive color (vintage burgundy). It will remind me of Joey in a good way, and I won't feel over-dressed in the slinky halter. (Although I might keep the halter for next year!)

Anyway... I'm just having the holiday blahs I guess. I miss my husband.

Automotive Fail, but Mother-In-Law for the Win!

What a day.

Work this morning was filled with Thursday activities - software demonstration, retrospective, iteration planning. All things that are normally tiring.

After lunch I went to my doctor's appointment.

Ok, I have to admit that I was wrong to pre-judge the new nurse practitioner. But I've seen several different doctors for depression over the years, and it's rarely been a comforting experience. I had no reason to think this would be different.

But it was. The nurse practitioner was working with an intern and I saw him first. He was very good. He took down my history, asked me questions, let me ask questions, and listened to everything that I thought was important to talk about.

Then he brought in the nurse practitioner, and she was good too. She probed further into my history and my current situation. This was the first time at my PCP's office when they didn't just shove a prescription at me. They actually talked with me instead of at me. And they gave me some options that I thought were very reasonable.

They think there's a good chance I'm bipolar, and because of that, they want me to see a psychiatrist. Not a huge surprise there, I've suspected as much for a long time, and was already planning to see a psychiatrist. But now I have more information for when I finally find one who's accepting new patients.

I got a low dose prescription for a drug I've taken in the past and had success with, so that should start helping me feel better soon. They gave me a list of psychiatrists they work with, so now I can resume the search.

All in all, it was a positive experience. Maybe my doctor's office has finally changed for the better.

When I left the doctor's office, I got in my car, put the key in the ignition, and...


It Would Not Turn.


The tumblers inside the ignition cylinder are failing. They don't fall into the correct place when I insert the key.

It's not the first time this has happened. About 5 years ago, the tumblers completely collapsed and I couldn't get my key into the ignition at all. Since I'd experienced this once already, I knew exactly what was going on today. I had to get my car towed to the dealership to get the cylinder replaced.

By the time I got the courtesy ride home, it was already 4:00. I had been planning to leave the office at 5:00 to take my cat to the vet, so there was no point in going back to the office only to turn around and come right back home. I stayed home for an hour and talked to Joey on Skype.

I drove Joey's car to the vet's office, where I discovered that Nina might have asthma. I didn't even know cats could get asthma, but apparently it's relatively common. I had to get her a chest x-ray, which I got to see afterwards -- it showed something in her lungs. That was disheartening, but at least asthma is easily treatable. They're sending the x-ray to a radiologist for a better reading and then I'll know more.

In the meantime, the vet recommended I give Nina a quarter-tablet of children's Benadryl to ease her coughing. Children's Benadryl for a cat?! Who knew?

So on the way home, I stopped at Fred Meyer to get medications for both me and Nina, and pistachios for Joey's care package. When I went back to the car, I put the key in the ignition, and...


... wait for it ...



IT WOULD NOT TURN.



Seriously, twice in one day, with two different vehicles!

By this point, I was at the end of my rope. I had a minor panic attack for about 10 minutes before I pulled myself together and started troubleshooting.

The "theft" light was flashing on the dash, and the key wouldn't turn. So the car thinks its anti-theft system has been tripped?

I tried everything I could think of to disarm it, and when that failed, I dug the manual out of the glove box to look for more options. Nothing worked. So I googled it on my cell phone. Apparently anti-theft systems sometimes malfunction, causing the ignition to lock. It has to be reset by a dealer's service department. How do you get your car to a dealer when the ignition is locked? It has to be towed.

I thought to myself, there is no way in hell I'm having a second vehicle towed tonight. Maybe there's something simple I'm missing here. I could call the service department and ask for suggestions. But they're closed for the night, I'd have to wait for morning.

All this time, Nina is in a carrier in the back seat, being ever-so-patient with my fumbling and cursing. It was starting to get really cold too.

I decided to get a ride home, leaving the car at Fred Meyer until I could figure out the problem tomorrow. But who the heck can give me a ride home?

I texted my friend who lives close by, but she didn't respond. So I texted my mother-in-law, and she came to my rescue.

I expected her to just load me into her car, but she came to the passenger side and asked me what was wrong. We walked through some of the same things I already tried, but it was nice to see someone else fail too - at least it wasn't just me.

Then -- miracle of all miracles -- she pressured the key and jerked on the wheel at the same time, and everything unlocked and the car started. I couldn't believe it! She totally saved me, in more ways than one. I was inches from a serious meltdown, the kind that would have required me to call in sick to work tomorrow.

I forgot how nice it is to have family in town. It reminded me that I need to visit with her more often than I have been. With how I've been feeling lately, I've needed to hide from most social interactions. But I really do like my mother-in-law and enjoy spending time with her - she doesn't stress me out like a lot of people do. I need to remember that.

After the rescue, I finally made it home safely, exhausted and overwhelmed from a long, strange and draining day, yet satisfied, having taken care of myself, my car, and my cat, all in one day.

Scheduling Fail

On Monday my brain fog was intolerable. First thing Tuesday morning, I called my doctor's office to make an appointment to deal with my depression. But my doctor didn't have any appointments available for the next 3 weeks!

What about the physician's assistant or the nurse practitioner, I asked. Oh, they're no longer working there. Apparently my doctor's office has recently undergone an organizational change in which 2 of the 3 medical staff left. (Already down from 8 staff 5 years ago.) But they can get me in on Thursday with the brand new nurse practitioner who just started working there at the end of October. *sigh* Less than 1 month on the job. Okay, I'll take the appointment.

I slept on it and decided that I was kind of pissed off. Back in the day, my doctor's office was well staffed, their service was high quality, and I could get an appointment same day or next day in most cases. Now my PCP is scheduling 3 weeks out??? I don't like this.

So I went on a quest to find a new PCP and/or psychiatrist.

A coworker recommended a doctor's office he goes to. They have twelve physicians and 6 surgeons on staff, plus an array of assistants and nurses. Perfect. I called for an appointment, but they're not accepting new patients. I wonder, how can an office with so many providers not be accepting new patients?

I tried again to contact the psychiatrist I'd called before. He's no longer accepting new patients either, nor are the other two psychiatrists in the same office. They are scheduling appointments out to the first of the year, and that's only for existing patients. The secretary recommended I seek out a mental health nurse practitioner, because apparently psychiatrists are few and far between in my town.

Coincidentally, later that day the same coworker gave me the name of the mental health nurse practitioner his wife sees. He says she's great and his wife has had a positive experience, even getting help with med management and counseling during her two pregnancies. Super perfect, that's exactly what I want! So I call. And once again... not accepting new patients. She's scheduling existing patients out until February.

After being denied by multiple providers, I felt pretty deflated. How can it be so hard to get help? Is it too much to ask for an experienced doctor who provides quality service with flexible availability? I don't remember it being like this 5 or 10 years ago.

What I really wanted was quality counseling therapy, possibly combined with medication. But if I'm going to get long-term treatment, I want the counseling to be long-term, not the medication.

Instead I'm forced to keep the appointment that pissed me off with the brand new nurse practitioner at my existing PCP's office. They will freely prescribe me something, likely without asking about my history or my future plans, and without offering counseling services. This isn't what I wanted, but it's all I've got. I can't wait any longer.

The appointment is tomorrow.

Half Way

I passed a few milestones during the last month. Had my birthday in October. Six months of marriage in November. And six months of my husband being away, which comes with some sadness, but also some hope because we've passed the half-way mark now.

At work, I packed up my office the day before a long weekend for my birthday, and when I returned the following Monday, my department had moved temporarily into what used to be a meeting room. I no longer have my own desk, my own computer, or my own phone line.

Within a couple days after that, my old office was demolished. Carpet pulled up, ceiling tiles removed, walls knocked down. It literally doesn't exist anymore. Symbolic, really. We can never go back to the way things used to be.

I miss Joe. I think about him every day. I worry and don't sleep well when he's on a mission. Not that I'm sleeping well to begin with - I'm not. My job is so stressful right now. I have all kinds of anxiety about it, and it keeps me up at night. If I have a particularly frustrating day that coincides with Joe being on a mission, I just don't sleep that night. Sometimes it's a few nights in a row.

I'm pretty sure I'm depressed now. I stayed in denial until I noticed one day that I felt down for no good reason. I just plain didn't feel good. Things that usually made me happy didn't help me feel better. My whole body felt slow and drained of energy. I didn't want to go anywhere or do anything. I actually felt scared of going out where people might see me.

When I thought about it I realized this had been going on for weeks already. I just hadn't acknowledged it yet.

Then the brain fog set in. Probably related to the lack of sleep. I just couldn't think clearly, and I really didn't care to try.

Naturally, being the procrastinator that I am, I haven't done anything about this yet. But I know I need to. I never did get in touch with the psychiatrist, and now I'm at the point where I think it might be too late for psychotherapy. Not that it wouldn't help, but that I should've started it months ago if I wanted to stop it from getting this far. Now I'm positive that no matter who I see - a psychiatrist, a counselor, or my regular doctor - they'll want to put me on medication, and probably for the next 2-3 years.

Joe and I want to start a family as soon as he gets home. I don't want to be a med-zombie when he gets home, and I don't want to be on drugs when I'm pregnant. I keep thinking maybe I can just make it through the next 6 months without treatment and then I'll get better when things get back to normal. Maybe I'll even find a new job by then.

I'm not completely without hope, but it's a daily struggle. I know that Joe is struggling just as much as I am, and strangely that gives me comfort because I know we're in this together.

There are some positives coming up that I'm looking forward to. New Moon opens next weekend. I'm spending Thanksgiving at my mom's. And the company christmas party is in less than a month. I picked out a dress yesterday and I'm trying to decide if I should get my hair done, or do it myself. Fun stuff.

One day at a time.