Scheduling Fail

On Monday my brain fog was intolerable. First thing Tuesday morning, I called my doctor's office to make an appointment to deal with my depression. But my doctor didn't have any appointments available for the next 3 weeks!

What about the physician's assistant or the nurse practitioner, I asked. Oh, they're no longer working there. Apparently my doctor's office has recently undergone an organizational change in which 2 of the 3 medical staff left. (Already down from 8 staff 5 years ago.) But they can get me in on Thursday with the brand new nurse practitioner who just started working there at the end of October. *sigh* Less than 1 month on the job. Okay, I'll take the appointment.

I slept on it and decided that I was kind of pissed off. Back in the day, my doctor's office was well staffed, their service was high quality, and I could get an appointment same day or next day in most cases. Now my PCP is scheduling 3 weeks out??? I don't like this.

So I went on a quest to find a new PCP and/or psychiatrist.

A coworker recommended a doctor's office he goes to. They have twelve physicians and 6 surgeons on staff, plus an array of assistants and nurses. Perfect. I called for an appointment, but they're not accepting new patients. I wonder, how can an office with so many providers not be accepting new patients?

I tried again to contact the psychiatrist I'd called before. He's no longer accepting new patients either, nor are the other two psychiatrists in the same office. They are scheduling appointments out to the first of the year, and that's only for existing patients. The secretary recommended I seek out a mental health nurse practitioner, because apparently psychiatrists are few and far between in my town.

Coincidentally, later that day the same coworker gave me the name of the mental health nurse practitioner his wife sees. He says she's great and his wife has had a positive experience, even getting help with med management and counseling during her two pregnancies. Super perfect, that's exactly what I want! So I call. And once again... not accepting new patients. She's scheduling existing patients out until February.

After being denied by multiple providers, I felt pretty deflated. How can it be so hard to get help? Is it too much to ask for an experienced doctor who provides quality service with flexible availability? I don't remember it being like this 5 or 10 years ago.

What I really wanted was quality counseling therapy, possibly combined with medication. But if I'm going to get long-term treatment, I want the counseling to be long-term, not the medication.

Instead I'm forced to keep the appointment that pissed me off with the brand new nurse practitioner at my existing PCP's office. They will freely prescribe me something, likely without asking about my history or my future plans, and without offering counseling services. This isn't what I wanted, but it's all I've got. I can't wait any longer.

The appointment is tomorrow.

Half Way

I passed a few milestones during the last month. Had my birthday in October. Six months of marriage in November. And six months of my husband being away, which comes with some sadness, but also some hope because we've passed the half-way mark now.

At work, I packed up my office the day before a long weekend for my birthday, and when I returned the following Monday, my department had moved temporarily into what used to be a meeting room. I no longer have my own desk, my own computer, or my own phone line.

Within a couple days after that, my old office was demolished. Carpet pulled up, ceiling tiles removed, walls knocked down. It literally doesn't exist anymore. Symbolic, really. We can never go back to the way things used to be.

I miss Joe. I think about him every day. I worry and don't sleep well when he's on a mission. Not that I'm sleeping well to begin with - I'm not. My job is so stressful right now. I have all kinds of anxiety about it, and it keeps me up at night. If I have a particularly frustrating day that coincides with Joe being on a mission, I just don't sleep that night. Sometimes it's a few nights in a row.

I'm pretty sure I'm depressed now. I stayed in denial until I noticed one day that I felt down for no good reason. I just plain didn't feel good. Things that usually made me happy didn't help me feel better. My whole body felt slow and drained of energy. I didn't want to go anywhere or do anything. I actually felt scared of going out where people might see me.

When I thought about it I realized this had been going on for weeks already. I just hadn't acknowledged it yet.

Then the brain fog set in. Probably related to the lack of sleep. I just couldn't think clearly, and I really didn't care to try.

Naturally, being the procrastinator that I am, I haven't done anything about this yet. But I know I need to. I never did get in touch with the psychiatrist, and now I'm at the point where I think it might be too late for psychotherapy. Not that it wouldn't help, but that I should've started it months ago if I wanted to stop it from getting this far. Now I'm positive that no matter who I see - a psychiatrist, a counselor, or my regular doctor - they'll want to put me on medication, and probably for the next 2-3 years.

Joe and I want to start a family as soon as he gets home. I don't want to be a med-zombie when he gets home, and I don't want to be on drugs when I'm pregnant. I keep thinking maybe I can just make it through the next 6 months without treatment and then I'll get better when things get back to normal. Maybe I'll even find a new job by then.

I'm not completely without hope, but it's a daily struggle. I know that Joe is struggling just as much as I am, and strangely that gives me comfort because I know we're in this together.

There are some positives coming up that I'm looking forward to. New Moon opens next weekend. I'm spending Thanksgiving at my mom's. And the company christmas party is in less than a month. I picked out a dress yesterday and I'm trying to decide if I should get my hair done, or do it myself. Fun stuff.

One day at a time.