He came around.
He read and learned, and he decided that he'd been wrong. He apologized. He asked if we could start over, if he could take back the stubbornness and give me the support I'd asked for in the beginning.
I appreciated his words, but I didn't find comfort in them. I had to think about why.
Some of the things he'd said... he sounded so much like others in my past. He re-opened old, deep wounds. Hurtful things that go way, way back. He shut me down.
I told him this. I told him I understood and I was grateful, but I needed time. It wouldn't go away overnight.
He carefully reminded me that he's not like everyone else. He is his own person.
He's right, of course. If he were like everyone else, I wouldn't have married him. I love him more than anything.
So why is this so hard to overcome?
I came to the conclusion that it's the distance. It's harder to comfort someone when you can't see into their eyes, when you can't hold them close. I think if he were here, if we were closer, this would be a lot easier. He might still have hurt me in the beginning, but the recovery would have been more smooth. He would look at me and I would see the truth in his face. He would hold me and I would feel the love in his embrace. I would feel safe with him like I always have.
I realized how much I miss feeling safe in his arms. I miss his protection. I miss the calm and comfort that I feel in the presence of his warmth. Since he's been gone, I've been anything but calm or comfortable.
If I close my eyes and think about him holding me, remember what it was like, I can feel something close to what it used to be. I can feel his love, and it reminds me that he
is different, and he
does want to help.
I want to hold onto that feeling, but it's so hard when I'm so bogged down by this debilitating mental fog, when my job takes so much of my energy away, and when Joe is so very far from me.
He's gone on another mission now and I won't talk to him for a few days. I always worry so much when he's on a mission. I hate this.
In a way, I'm still on my own. I have to get through this without him by my side, even though I know his heart is with me.
I can't wait for him to be home!
I have this lingering worry that things will be difficult when he comes home -- in some ways we'll have to get to know each other again, and it will be a big adjustment for both of us -- but I don't care. I just want him home safe, with me. So that when he takes back his stubbornness and says "I'm sorry I was a dick", I can see it in his eyes and feel it in his touch, and I can feel it in my heart as much as I understand it in my head. Unlike now, where I understand it mentally, but I don't feel anything except dull hurt.
Physical distance seems to make everything else more distant too. It's monotonous yet chaotic, routine yet impossible to master. So confusing.
But I know he loves me, and I know I love him. That's what matters.
We'll get through this. We're already more than half way there.
