Decision Over Analyzed

Tough choices ahead.

The job offer was for less money than I'd hoped. It's not a bad offer - they have awesome benefits and a casual, flexible work environment. But I had sort of hoped it would be a big enough offer that my decision would be easy.

No such luck.

When I combine salary and benefits, the new job and my current job come very, very close. So now I'm looking at people, culture, environment, and future opportunities provided by each job. The "soft" benefits. It's hard to make a decision based on those things - they're much harder to measure than dollar figures.

My boss said he would find out on Monday what kind of counter-offer my company can make. And on Tuesday, I'm meeting the prospective new employer for lunch to ask questions and learn. Hopefully I'll be able to make a decision after that.

Of course, I wouldn't be me if I didn't over-analyze the crap out of this. The job decision has got me thinking about longer term issues. If I take a new job, I'm committing to remain there for the next 2-5 years. That means I'm committing to remaining in Salem for that long too.

2 years isn't a huge deal, although it's longer than I would like. Joey will be going to school for the next 2 years anyway, and school for him is in Salem. So I'm resigned to that much time. But 5 years...?

For some reason I've had extra longing for the Puget Sound this weekend. I think it's because I like to sit by the water when I need to think about things, and these last few days, I've had a lot to think about. I miss going down to the gray beach and wandering around with my head down, looking at the different shapes and colors of the rocks and shells under my feet, how the dry ones look different than the wet ones, and how the wet ones change just a little bit with each lapping wave that washes over them.

I miss being closer to my family too. It's gotten harder and harder for me to visit them often, and my mom really can't come to visit me - she can't afford it, and she's got too much back pain to drive that far. And I don't have a place for her to sleep anyway, since we've filled our spare bedroom with random storage items.

I think I'm starting to feel lop-sided because Joey has all these family members who are right here in town, while my immediate family is 5 hours away. Especially when I think about having kids. I don't want to have a baby without my mom being close. She would be crushed, and so would I. In the back of my mind, I'm almost half-way thinking about going back on the pill until I figure out what I'm doing with my life. Where am I going to be in the next 2-5 years?

If I take this new job, I'll be right here, in the town I've been trying to get out of for the last 5 years. But would I be any worse off if I stayed at my current job? I'd still be here for 2 years while Joey's in school.

My decision comes back to culture and soft benefits, because no matter where I end up for the next 2 years, I want it to be some place where I can grow and be happy. But if my company gave me a big counter-offer, it would be hard to turn it down.

So can I learn to be happy at my company? If I could, would I have started looking for jobs in the first place? Would more money or a bigger title change that?

Or maybe more importantly, if I'm going to stay in an area where I don't want to be, at least I should pick the job that gives me the most personal fulfillment. At least I can have some control over that one part of my life.

The new employer would let me take classes during the day. That' impossible at my current job. I could learn anything I want to. I could even finally get that master's degree I've been thinking about ever since I graduated from college.

The current job has all my best friends, the people who have become my family. Before I married Joe, those friends were the only family I had in town, and they were there for me when it mattered. I'd have to start all over at a new job, and likely leave old friends behind.

Tough choices.

I wish I could go sit by the water and think.

In the meantime, I've had this song stuck in my head for the last three days, with images of the amusing video that accompanies it. It describes a day in the life of an average programmer, in an Office Space sort of way. I'm going to post it here just so I can watch it over and over again. (As if I haven't already.)

Enjoy.

On A Roll

For once, I'm feeling pretty good about myself and my place in the universe. I feel I must capture this in writing so I can look back on it fondly the next time everything seems impossible. This will be proof that good things happen, even for me.

Wellbutrin helped improve my depression, but I was having really horrible anxiety, especially related to work. I was literally having a panic attack every Sunday night and every Monday morning before work, and I wasn't sleeping well on most nights. This of course led to complete lack of focus or competence at work. The nurse gave me Buspar, which I'd never heard of before. Much to my surprise, it has greatly reduced my anxiety, and made me feeling like an almost-healthy human being again.

My job continues to be stressful and frustrating, but I finally started doing something about it. I applied for two jobs and got two interviews, both of which went very well. In this economy, that's a feat in and of itself. One of the jobs has just finished checking my references and intends to make a verbal job offer tomorrow. Very exciting!

Today I talked to my boss about the job offer, letting him know that he might receive a phone call for a reference check. He asked me if there was anything he could do to get me to stay. I told him that if the offer is good, there's probably not much he can do. He asked me to at least give him the opportunity to make a counter-offer.

Apparently I'm in high demand, and I couldn't be more surprised! Now I will have two job offers to choose from.

And, in a bizarre twist of fate, my company decided to adjust the pay scale for my current position, which resulted in me getting an unexpected raise! That's an extra bargaining chip for salary negotiation with the upcoming job offer! Who knew?!

Most importantly, Joey will be home in less than a month now, and I absolutely cannot wait! I will be so incredibly happy to hug him again.

I didn't think it possible, but this year is off to a great start. I feel blessed. :)