This seems to be the theme of my last week. There must be a great conjunction happening right now. I'd better go check my pocket astrologer and see what's going on, because something is either very wrong, or... very right?
Two of my friends have discovered my blog. Well... let's be honest... it's my own fault that they're here. I told him about Mayonaise, he told her. He started a blog, I commented on it, so logically, he was going to find my blog. He told us both about each other's blogs. So there's no way we weren't all going to start talking to each other here, right? It had to happen.
At first I was a little apprehensive about them being here. I have intentionally kept my blog separate from myspace. I never wanted to cross the streams. This is where I come to be anonymous and dump out everything I've been thinking, without anyone I know in real life reading and judging. If my other friends knew about this place, it would no longer be safe for me to use it as an outlet without censoring myself. I came here so I wouldn't have to censor myself.
But now that they're here, I'm actually pretty excited. And I'm pretty sure I can trust them to keep it a secret, right guys? I love both of my friends, and it's been really fun talking to them here. You guys are welcome here any time. (The other little boy will be welcome here when I decide it's the right time to invite him.)
I just hope we can keep the peace between my friends who are new to this site, and those old veterans who have been here since the beginning. I have come to value and respect the opinions of the people I have met here, and of course I also value and respect the opinions of my two friends. I don't want to be caught in the middle of arguments between the two factions.
So please people. Keep it clean, ok? Don't try to make me choose sides, you know I won't do it. I never have before, and I'm not going to start now. That's not how I roll.
With that being said...
Party on, Wayne.
Party on, Garth.
And a Happy New Year to all!
Monday, December 31, 2007
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Reflection
Being on vacation during the holidays, spending a lot of time at home by myself, I've started to think about the people who have been part of my life during the last year. Here's a little something for each of you.
SJC-
When you were a baby, you used to wake me up at 6am with your screaming. You were all alone in your crib, and you just wanted someone near you. I would pick you up and put you in bed with me, and you would smile at me before falling asleep. That was our morning ritual. It was cute then because you were so tiny. But 15 years later, you haven't changed at all. You're still screaming for attention, and you're going to absurd lengths to get it. Why did you think you could get away with everything you've done? Believe me, I know how much it sucks to live at home. I grew up there too, and I hated it just as much as you do. But there's no excuse for how you've behaved. Do you know how much it hurt to see you spend your 15th birthday in juvenille detention? Or to see you spend Christmas in a foster home? It makes me ache inside. I wish we could go back to the days when you were tiny and I took care of you. We can never have that back. I just hope you get the help you need.
ML-
You wrote to me on myspace last week. You said you cared about me and really hoped I was doing well. You want a big reunion so we can all play cards together again. I haven't written you back yet. Honestly, I'm not sure how I should respond. I mean, what do you want me to say? Gee, thanks so much for thinking of me, I'm doing fantastic, I'm so happy your life turned out to be just peachy after all these years, how's your new wife? I'm not going to lie to you. But I'm not sure if I want to tell you the truth either. Is it worth the effort? Do you want to know that my back still hurts every day? Do you want to know that I'm still depressed? Does it matter to you that I had a string of fucked up relationships after you, because of you, and I'm still not over what happened? Would it mean anything to you if I said I've never loved anyone as fully or intensely as I loved you, even though you hurt me more than anyone else ever could have? No, I'm not ready to explain that to you. Nearly 10 years later, it's still fresh to me. Your email will go unanswered a while longer.
JC (one of the Omak boys)-
Even though I haven't seen you in years, getting email from ML makes me think about you. You will never know how you saved me during one of the darkest times in my life. You took me in and sheltered me when no one else would step up and be a man. And for that, they all but crucified you. To this day, I regret the way they treated you, most of all because it was my fault. You'll always be one of the heroes in my life. I really don't think I'd be here today if it weren't for you. I wish I could tell you that. Maybe someday I'll get the chance.
JPC-
You just couldn't get it right, could you? I'm not even sure what to say to you. The frustration and anger is still too near and I haven't finished clearing out my brain or my heart yet. All I know for sure is that your sense of trust and integrity is somewhat lacking, and I paid the price for it over and over again. Walking away from you was the best thing I've done for myself in a long, long time. I do miss the cats though.
KM-
It's always weird for me when we hang out. I wonder if you realize what kind of damage you did. You were the one who pushed me over the edge, although JPC gave you a good head start. I still like you. I still think you're beautiful, intelligent, and fun to be around. But in all honesty, I laugh inside when you make comments about me looking hot or being cute, or when you offer to have me stay over at your place. Even though I enjoy our friendship as it is now, I'll never let you have the upper hand again.
TPN-
I don't know if you know it, but you're my best friend. You and I spend so much time together, and we know so much about each other. I've totally got your number. It cracks me up when people assume that we're "together". I can see how they might think that, but man... I would totally kill you if we were in a relationship, and I'm pretty sure you would kill me too. We're so different from one another in so many ways. I often wonder how we came to be friends at all. Somehow it just works. So many ill-fated trips to the mountain, lunches at Taco Bell, and late night bitching about work. I appreciate and respect our quirky friendship more than you know.
TO-
I miss the IM chats we used to have! I think about you a lot and hope that you are happy in life. I'm really glad I came to visit you, although I still feel sad when I think about all you went through during that time. What a bunch of dickhead guys, all of them. You are a very smart, very strong and capable woman, and I really think you can do whatever you want in life. You deserve the best. Don't settle for anything less. I'll always be around if you ever want to talk.
GW-
You win the award for most unexpected and unconventional friend of the year. You seem so unhappy in life, like you're searching for something that you can't quite reach and you won't be satisfied without it. I always wish I could help you somehow. All my attempts at conversation and advice seem to go nowhere, but I do hope it helps you to know that I care and I'm here to talk if you need it. When you try to be all mysterious, it only makes you more transparent. I can see you, even when you're hiding, but I still don't think I really know you. I certainly never know where I stand with you and that gets frustrating. You're awfully good at maintaining distance. I get the impression you're not telling me everything. I wish you could just be open and honest, but it's pretty clear that you're protecting yourself - from what, I may never know.
AS-
My brother in spirit, I'm so glad we reconnected this year. I know you've been through some really shitty times lately. I hate to see you struggle. You are one of the strongest people I've ever known. You will turn the ending of one part of your life into a new beginning for the next. I'm so proud of you for living life on your own terms and never losing your individuality. You have always inspired and encouraged me to express my true self. You see me for who I am when nobody else does. I am ever grateful. No matter how far apart we are, I will be with you throughout this life and the next.
MIS-
I haven't seen you in a year and a half, but you've been so good at keeping in touch. The pictures of your little girl make me smile so big! I love her. She is so precious, and she looks just like you. You were always the friend I loved the most when we were growing up, even though we weren't always close. I still can't believe we didn't speak to each other for an entire year over stupid EB. No guy is worth losing a friend. I'm so glad you're happy, doing what you want in life, and spending time with your beautiful family. You make me wish I had a family of my own.
I love the people in my life, even the ones who have hurt or frustrated me. It all makes life more interesting.
SJC-
When you were a baby, you used to wake me up at 6am with your screaming. You were all alone in your crib, and you just wanted someone near you. I would pick you up and put you in bed with me, and you would smile at me before falling asleep. That was our morning ritual. It was cute then because you were so tiny. But 15 years later, you haven't changed at all. You're still screaming for attention, and you're going to absurd lengths to get it. Why did you think you could get away with everything you've done? Believe me, I know how much it sucks to live at home. I grew up there too, and I hated it just as much as you do. But there's no excuse for how you've behaved. Do you know how much it hurt to see you spend your 15th birthday in juvenille detention? Or to see you spend Christmas in a foster home? It makes me ache inside. I wish we could go back to the days when you were tiny and I took care of you. We can never have that back. I just hope you get the help you need.
ML-
You wrote to me on myspace last week. You said you cared about me and really hoped I was doing well. You want a big reunion so we can all play cards together again. I haven't written you back yet. Honestly, I'm not sure how I should respond. I mean, what do you want me to say? Gee, thanks so much for thinking of me, I'm doing fantastic, I'm so happy your life turned out to be just peachy after all these years, how's your new wife? I'm not going to lie to you. But I'm not sure if I want to tell you the truth either. Is it worth the effort? Do you want to know that my back still hurts every day? Do you want to know that I'm still depressed? Does it matter to you that I had a string of fucked up relationships after you, because of you, and I'm still not over what happened? Would it mean anything to you if I said I've never loved anyone as fully or intensely as I loved you, even though you hurt me more than anyone else ever could have? No, I'm not ready to explain that to you. Nearly 10 years later, it's still fresh to me. Your email will go unanswered a while longer.
JC (one of the Omak boys)-
Even though I haven't seen you in years, getting email from ML makes me think about you. You will never know how you saved me during one of the darkest times in my life. You took me in and sheltered me when no one else would step up and be a man. And for that, they all but crucified you. To this day, I regret the way they treated you, most of all because it was my fault. You'll always be one of the heroes in my life. I really don't think I'd be here today if it weren't for you. I wish I could tell you that. Maybe someday I'll get the chance.
JPC-
You just couldn't get it right, could you? I'm not even sure what to say to you. The frustration and anger is still too near and I haven't finished clearing out my brain or my heart yet. All I know for sure is that your sense of trust and integrity is somewhat lacking, and I paid the price for it over and over again. Walking away from you was the best thing I've done for myself in a long, long time. I do miss the cats though.
KM-
It's always weird for me when we hang out. I wonder if you realize what kind of damage you did. You were the one who pushed me over the edge, although JPC gave you a good head start. I still like you. I still think you're beautiful, intelligent, and fun to be around. But in all honesty, I laugh inside when you make comments about me looking hot or being cute, or when you offer to have me stay over at your place. Even though I enjoy our friendship as it is now, I'll never let you have the upper hand again.
TPN-
I don't know if you know it, but you're my best friend. You and I spend so much time together, and we know so much about each other. I've totally got your number. It cracks me up when people assume that we're "together". I can see how they might think that, but man... I would totally kill you if we were in a relationship, and I'm pretty sure you would kill me too. We're so different from one another in so many ways. I often wonder how we came to be friends at all. Somehow it just works. So many ill-fated trips to the mountain, lunches at Taco Bell, and late night bitching about work. I appreciate and respect our quirky friendship more than you know.
TO-
I miss the IM chats we used to have! I think about you a lot and hope that you are happy in life. I'm really glad I came to visit you, although I still feel sad when I think about all you went through during that time. What a bunch of dickhead guys, all of them. You are a very smart, very strong and capable woman, and I really think you can do whatever you want in life. You deserve the best. Don't settle for anything less. I'll always be around if you ever want to talk.
GW-
You win the award for most unexpected and unconventional friend of the year. You seem so unhappy in life, like you're searching for something that you can't quite reach and you won't be satisfied without it. I always wish I could help you somehow. All my attempts at conversation and advice seem to go nowhere, but I do hope it helps you to know that I care and I'm here to talk if you need it. When you try to be all mysterious, it only makes you more transparent. I can see you, even when you're hiding, but I still don't think I really know you. I certainly never know where I stand with you and that gets frustrating. You're awfully good at maintaining distance. I get the impression you're not telling me everything. I wish you could just be open and honest, but it's pretty clear that you're protecting yourself - from what, I may never know.
AS-
My brother in spirit, I'm so glad we reconnected this year. I know you've been through some really shitty times lately. I hate to see you struggle. You are one of the strongest people I've ever known. You will turn the ending of one part of your life into a new beginning for the next. I'm so proud of you for living life on your own terms and never losing your individuality. You have always inspired and encouraged me to express my true self. You see me for who I am when nobody else does. I am ever grateful. No matter how far apart we are, I will be with you throughout this life and the next.
MIS-
I haven't seen you in a year and a half, but you've been so good at keeping in touch. The pictures of your little girl make me smile so big! I love her. She is so precious, and she looks just like you. You were always the friend I loved the most when we were growing up, even though we weren't always close. I still can't believe we didn't speak to each other for an entire year over stupid EB. No guy is worth losing a friend. I'm so glad you're happy, doing what you want in life, and spending time with your beautiful family. You make me wish I had a family of my own.
I love the people in my life, even the ones who have hurt or frustrated me. It all makes life more interesting.
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