Monday Monday

(da-dah da da-da da)

No whining this time, I promise.

I had today off from work, which makes this the best Monday I've had in a really long time. I slept in, leisurely did a few chores around the house, went to a movie, laid around the back yard with my cat... it was lovely.

The best friend can't resist telling me about work when I'm on vacation. He emailed me all the gossip from this morning's department meeting. I'm a little miffed about it (both the gossip itself, and him telling me about it on my day off), but I won't go into detail about it here and now. I'd rather not deal with it today.

I saw Iron Man today, and it was better than I expected. I fell in love with Robert Downey Jr. all over again. The dude looks pretty damn good for a recovered drug addict in his mid-40's who hit bottom and lived to tell about it. Oh... and his acting ain't half bad either! ^_~

Actually, it got me thinking -- why am I always attracted to the beautiful, dark haired, sensitive, intelligent guys who also happen to be dark, psychologically askew outsiders with a penchant for addiction and/or eccentric/erratic behavior?

It's usually some odd combination of the introvert and the extrovert. The nerdy types who are quiet thinkers yet possess a dramatic magnetism, who look like they have the potential to burst out and go a little insane -- if they haven't done so already.

I swear that every celebrity crush I've ever had fits into this category. Even the ones who aren't necessarily crushes, but maybe I admire them for what they've achieved personally and professionally. There are even women who fit this bill. Some of them aren't even real people, but characters portrayed by actors who can successfully bring these qualities to life. Here are a few that jump to the front of my mind:

Johnny Depp
Robert Downey Jr.
Rivers Cuomo
Gerard Way
Amanda Palmer
Bjork
Matt Bellamy
young Orson Welles
Jake Gyllenhaal (mostly for Donnie Darko)
Milo Ventimiglia (mostly for Peter Petrelli on Heroes)
Even (dare I say it) Keanu Reeves

People who are (or who portray characters that are) very smart, somewhat dark, and... different.

Of course I realize that this list of people I've never met is mostly full of illusion. That's what entertainment is, right? It's all about perception, and I fully realize how slanted mine can be, even though I don't like to admit it.

Perhaps this explains why I've met very few people with these qualities in real life. Most of the guys I've been in relationships with have been highly intelligent and sensitive, just not in the beautiful dark-haired movie/rock star sort of way. None of them have had the ambition to leave convention behind and go a little insane, to do something because it feels right, or because everything else feels wrong. They've all been a little too attached to their own security in some way, whether it was financial, familial, or social.

Heaven forbid you should do something that other people don't expect or may not accept. Or push yourself outside of your status quo life. Or open up and show someone else what's really inside.

The irony is, as I say this, I am guilty of the very same things. I love and hate my life, my status quo existance, my heavily worn rut. I hide in it every day. I barracade myself in for safety and then complain about feeling cramped by it.

When I was younger and much less independent, I used to wish for someone to save me; the handsome stranger who would enter my life unexpectedly and "take me away from it all". A partner to make me feel more complete.

As I grew up and learned to rely on myself, I realized that my desire for a savior was silly and unrealistic. Nevertheless, I do still think about it sometimes. But I think what I really want, more than someone to save me, is someone to inspire me. I want the person who is willing to take a leap, go for an adventure, and bring me along for the ride, perhaps giving me the support and courage to do the same.

In those characters I see on the big screen, and in that music I listen to almost obsessively, I see and hear many qualities I can relate to - that quiet and intelligent darkness bordering on insanity. That feeling of being different, not fitting in no matter where I am. That constant sense of lonliness because nobody really understands.

I also see and hear many of the qualities I wish I had. The energy and motivation to do something about it, the courage to leave my safe little world behind, to be original, to make something that's my own.

I think this is why I love movies so much. I always had difficulty with reading, so I never got into books or comics when I was a kid, but I always loved cartoons and movies. Occasionally when I'm feeling really down, I wish I could live inside a movie. Or even inside Warcraft. When I see a story or a character or even a concert that grabs me, I want to hold onto it and never let go. I just want to avoid real life because it seems like there's no escape from being squeezed into a mold that makes me so unhappy.

Alas... I must continue on, and rely on myself to find a way out of my bad situations. Nobody else is going to do it for me, and there's no grand inspiration except for the threshhold I will eventually reach where I decide that I can't take it anymore.

But... I still continue to look for a glitch in the Matrix. There has to be some reason why I feel so different, why I can't just go to my job every day and be happy to earn a paycheck. Someday I hope to make sense of it all. I suppose that's my real motivation, to finally understand what this is all about. I need to know why.

Maybe I'll never know. Maybe I'll drive myself crazy searching for answers. Maybe I'll realize there is no answer, and allow myself to settle in and be ignorant.

Who knows.

All these crazy things I ponder when I see a movie on my day off from work. Hooray for a Monday well spent!