Shut Down

Wednesday was surprisingly productive. We met all of our goals and I wasn't alone. My sick coworker came in and helped out, and somehow I've yet to catch his illness.

Thursday was a drain and a half. Demo, retrospective, iteration planning, information gathering. Talk, talk, talk. I felt so tired and burned out all day.

Today I imploded. I was super frustrated all day long. Hated pair programming, irritated by people, not understanding why people can't just be smart and do it right the first time. Before the afternoon was over, I completely shut down. I couldn't think anymore. I couldn't breathe anymore. I just went blank, except for the anxiety and rage that filled me.

I apologized to my coworker for being so hard to work with today, and I went home early. On the drive home, I vacillated between feelings of failure for letting myself down today, and feelings of extreme anger, mostly directed at my company's management, and the universe in general for putting me in this particular place and time.

Dear Universe:

I miss my husband and I want him home right now. No, not in the time it takes him to get on a plane and fly half way around the world. Now, as in right this instant. Make it happen!

And I want my company to learn how to manage a software department. Fire the dead weight employees and start taking better care of the productive ones. They need to quit setting their people up to fail.

Hmm... on second thought, what I really want is to magically stumble into a very large sum of money so I can work part-time at any old fun job I want, and still have plenty of funds leftover to live whatever lifestyle I choose, which includes buying a smallish house with wood floors, a yard, and no noisy neighbors, buying a new (modest) car, living closer to my family, eating out every day, camping often, and traveling whenever I feel like it. You can do that, right? Other people get lucky, so why not me?

Finally, in this new easy-going lifestyle, I'm gonna need my back not to hurt anymore. So if you could just fix it for me... and my digestion too... that would be super.

Ok, thanks.


[sigh]

Until my little fantasy life comes true, I'm going to spend some time contemplating ideas for making my real life better. There has to be a way...