In Circles

I'm over-analyzing again.

Yes, this is a really long post.

I have a friend who has major trust issues with guys and always wants to run away, even when the situation is not negative. It's hard for her understand or accept that a guy could genuinely like her and want to spend time with her without some ulterior motive. Even when everything the guy has said or done indicates that he's nice and trustworthy, she still comes up with all kinds of reasons why he's not, why he can't possibly like her, and why she should remove herself from the situation immediately. This is especially true if she has sex with the guy -- when that happens, she just shuts herself off and never wants to see him again.

Her counselor told her that in order to overcome her fear and distrust, she sometimes needs to force herself to remain in a situation that is outside her comfort zone. Examine the evidence at hand. Look at all the negative things you've worked out in your brain, and then look at your interactions with this person. Do they meet up? No? Can you find any reason at all to think the way you do, based on how this guy has acted or treated you? No? Then you need to stick around and see it through, even though it freaks you out. When the guy provides tangible evidence of something negative, then obviously, you need to deal with it accordingly. But don't run away screaming prematurely.

Since I've talked about this with my friend, I've thought about it a lot with regard to my own relationships. I tend to think and behave very similarly to my friend. We've bonded quite a bit over this, because we understand each other on that level. Whenever she wants to run away from a guy, I'm her lifeline, and vice versa. We talk about it and lay out the facts together.

I'm weighing out all kinds of things right now. A big part of me really strongly wants to bail, run away, and hide out by myself. If I examine the evidence, does it match up with the images I've created in my own head? I'm not sure anymore. Maybe I've worked myself into so many circles that I can't think straight.

I have several fears.

I don't want to settle into a relationship of convenience just because it's easy and comfortable. In my last long-term relationship, I lived with someone for several years. So did the pharmacist. Now it seems we both want to settle into those old comfortable patterns even though our relationship is new. At least, that's my fear. Is there evidence to back that up? Yes and no.

One of the things that bothers me, and this is actually somewhat contradictory, is that the pharmacist really isn't very good at integrating me into his life. His work schedule is different than mine, and that complicates things, but I've always been willing to make time for him even if it means that I don't get enough sleep some nights, or I lose some of my "me time" because I spend it with him. He has a much harder time doing that. His routine is so set. We end up not seeing each other for several days in a row, and then when we do get together, we spend *all* of our time together. (That's when the old comfort patterns start to show up.)

So I guess it's just not very balanced? I need something more consistent. Whether it's consistently little, or consistently a lot... it's hard for me to not see him all week, and then spend an entire weekend with him. I don't like to swing back and forth like that.

Another issue is that he's a huge scatter brain who can't maintain focus on one thing for very long. When I hang out at his house, he is constantly doing at least three things at once. He talks to me while he's buzzing around, but it's like I'm part of the scenery. He's not really *with* me. I'm one more distraction among many -- I'm not the focus. I'm not saying that I need to be the focus all the time. I actually don't mind just hanging out while he does his thing, but once in a while I need a check-in for reassurance. Come and sit down next to me for a few minutes. Give me a hug. Ask me how I'm doing. Anything small or brief just to let me know that I'm still on your mind and it hasn't escaped your attention that I'm sitting here doing nothing by myself. Sometimes he leaves me feeling lonely, even when he's physically right there in the same room. It makes me wonder what I'm doing there.

The amazing thing is, if he notices that I'm unhappy, or if I tell him directly that I need something, he takes note, and he really does try to improve. I've never known anyone quite so accommodating in this way, and I think it's one of the sweetest, most generous qualities he has. But he has to be paying attention in order for that to happen, and sometimes it's a challenge to get him to focus.

Then there's the whole comfort zone issue, for both of us.

This weekend, I went shooting with him. I had never fired a gun before (besides my step-brother's BB gun when I was a kid). It was really scary for me, but I did it anyway. I actually had fun firing the guns, but again felt like I was part of the scenery with him -- he was so distracted with his toys and his buddy who went with us.

I asked him to go to a concert with me this week. At first, he said he couldn't go because he had to work. But I think he got his schedule mixed up, because today he said he has that day off. I said, well if you've got that day off, why don't you go to the concert with me? I'd really like it if you did. He totally dragged his feet and said he's not sure if wants to go because he doesn't know if he'll like it the band.

So I've gone way, way out of my comfort zone for him, but he's not willing to go outside his for me. What the hell?

There was the sex comfort zone issue too. Somehow we ended up talking about it, and he told me he didn't want to go all the way with me. Then after about a week of gradually getting closer and closer, we finally went there, on his initiative, not mine. I guess he's trying to do what he thinks I want, which has its merit, but... um... Confusing much?

I've noticed that he will initially say "no" when something makes him uncomfortable, then he'll go away and think about it for a while, and find some way to rationalize it to himself to make it okay. Then he'll come back and try to be accommodating. While I appreciate his effort here, the process that he goes through is very foreign to me. I guess in a way I do the same thing, but I'll never say "no" to anything so quickly as he does. I'll say that I'm not sure and I need to think about it. He'll say "no" very quickly and definitively, almost defensively if it's a touchy subject for him, and then in the end he'll do it anyway, without ever telling me that he thought about it and changed his mind.

On top of everything else, we're both still holding ourselves back from each other emotionally. Is it just because we both know he's moving away next spring? Or is it something more than that?

For me, it's mainly because he's moving and also because I don't really know where we stand. I mean really, all the gripes I listed above are not insurmountable problems that can't be fixed. If I knew he was going to be here, and I knew that we were both on board with trying to have a serious relationship, I would most definitely talk to him about these things, let him know how it makes me feel, ask him how he feels, and hopefully reach some sort of happy medium that we can both agree on. But when I don't know what we are or where we're going, and when I know he's leaving the state in several months, I have to ask myself... is it really worth it to put in the effort to sort these issues out when there's no long term commitment?

But then I put myself at risk for the opposite, which is where we don't talk about it, we don't sort it out, and I feel like I've settled for something less than ideal because I'm too lazy or too afraid to make it right.

So if I can't settle, and I can't address the issues, then... why am I in this situation to begin with?

And this is where I start to think about running away. Because maybe it's easier to bail out now before somebody really gets hurt.

Then I go back to my conversations with my friend, and the advice from her counselor. What if I really need to force myself to stay outside my comfort zone and just deal with it, because it will help me grow, even if this particular relationship doesn't work out in the end?

But how do I know it won't work out? What if there's a chance we could fall in love? Then am I short-changing myself by not trying to work through this with him? In that case, I really should stay instead of running away.

On the other hand, if he thought we would be together in the long term sense, he wouldn't still be talking about moving, he wouldn't still be making life plans where there's no possibility of me fitting into his big picture. Would he?

I suppose he doesn't know where we're going any more than I do. But then what does he think about these little issues? I know he's not oblivious to them. Is he also trying to figure out whether to address the issues and work them out, or let them slide because there's no point if we're not long term? Or maybe he's managed to achieve what I have so far failed at -- accepting it for what it is and taking it one day at a time.

I'd like to know where he stands, but that would involve talking to him about this, which would involve putting forth the time and effort to hash it out, and I still don't know if it's worth it, given the fact that we're probably not long term. Not only that, but I don't even know where to begin trying to bring this up with him. He'll probably want to run away.

Can't say I blame him. I want to run away too.

But at the same time, I don't, because I really do like him a lot.

Damn it all, I think Jennicula was right.

... and the cycle of over-analysis continues.

Bleed It Out

All week long I've been fighting myself.

"He likes me!" [girlish giggle]

"Maybe he doesn't like me?"

"He totally likes me."

"I don't think he likes me."

It's a stupid argument because it's pretty damn obvious that he likes me. I know it, he knows it, and everyone who knows that we're dating knows it. Yet I still fight myself, I still come up with reasons why not. I am a classic over-analyzer and self-sabotager. Nothing can ever "just be".

Now I have something new to pick apart. Last night we started the "what are we?" conversation. His responses made me feel disappointed. It was the first time since I've started hanging out with him that I truly felt like running away and hiding alone. We were lying next to each other in bed, and I turned away from him and scrunched myself up near the edge. He tried to pull me back, but I resisted. I couldn't help it. In that moment I desperately needed space.

In my claustrophobic panic I suddenly became unable to articulate my thoughts. So I didn't actually tell him how it made me feel, I just reacted physically without explaining why. Now I can't decide if I should follow up with him and talk about it. He patiently and honestly answered all of my boneheaded questions, so I sort of feel like I owe him the same level of openness. On the other hand, he probably won't like what I have to say, and besides that, I get the impression he doesn't really want to deal with these kinds of talks at this early stage in our relationship. Can't say I blame him, really. Serious talks always complicate things.

He said I'm his new best friend.

Depending on how you look at it, that could either be endearing or infuriating.

"Do you kiss all your best friends?"

Seriously. I wanted to know.

My last male best friend fell in love with me, and when I didn't return the sentiment, we gradually drifted apart until one day he basically cut me off. I think he literally woke up one morning and thought "I'm going to stop talking to Andrea today." Now he's the coworker formerly known as the best friend, and things are really uncomfortable between us.

I have to wonder if I'm in the opposite position now. Maybe I'm falling in love with someone who's unable or unwilling to return the sentiment. And maybe one morning I'll wake up and decide I need to cut him out of my life.

How long do I wait before I make that decision? What if this is all he ever wants from me? I would always be waiting and wishing for something more, but it would never happen, and I would always feel disappointed.

I've been here before. I'm the absolute master of hooking up with boys who still have feelings for their ex-girlfriends, who aren't ready to take the plunge on a new relationship, who want me to be their best friend, usually with benefits, so they can have all the fun and comfort of a partnership without the responsibility of commitment or fear of getting hurt. I've been here so many times. I can't do it again. I just can't.

I don't want a best friend, dammit! I want a partner! >_< [frumpy frown] The two of us are driving out to the coast this afternoon. I decided earlier this week that I needed ocean time, to contemplate my smallness in the immensity of nature, and I invited him to go with me. If he had said no, I would've gone by myself. Now I almost wish I could. He's got an appointment at midday and can't leave until afterwards. I could ditch him if I wanted to. I could hop in the car alone and leave while he's stuck at his appointment. I know it would hurt him, and I don't want to do that, but it's awfully tempting to be selfish and take care of myself first. So here I am, fighting myself again. Over-analyzing. Nothing can ever "just be". It's worth noting that before this conversation occurred, I had the best evening with him. He called me at work and asked if he could take me out to dinner. It was like a real date! He came over, all freshly shaven and smelling good. We ate dinner and went to a movie. We talked and laughed and had a great time. He held my hand in the theater. And he wasn't all ADD! It was like he set aside an entire evening just to spend time and pay attention to me. It's been years since someone did that for me. It was really, truly wonderful. So why I can't I just count my blessings and enjoy our time together without ripping it apart ten thousand times over in my head? I must be retarded.