All week long I've been fighting myself.
"He likes me!" [girlish giggle]
"Maybe he doesn't like me?"
"He totally likes me."
"I don't think he likes me."
It's a stupid argument because it's pretty damn obvious that he likes me. I know it, he knows it, and everyone who knows that we're dating knows it. Yet I still fight myself, I still come up with reasons why not. I am a classic over-analyzer and self-sabotager. Nothing can ever "just be".
Now I have something new to pick apart. Last night we started the "what are we?" conversation. His responses made me feel disappointed. It was the first time since I've started hanging out with him that I truly felt like running away and hiding alone. We were lying next to each other in bed, and I turned away from him and scrunched myself up near the edge. He tried to pull me back, but I resisted. I couldn't help it. In that moment I desperately needed space.
In my claustrophobic panic I suddenly became unable to articulate my thoughts. So I didn't actually tell him how it made me feel, I just reacted physically without explaining why. Now I can't decide if I should follow up with him and talk about it. He patiently and honestly answered all of my boneheaded questions, so I sort of feel like I owe him the same level of openness. On the other hand, he probably won't like what I have to say, and besides that, I get the impression he doesn't really want to deal with these kinds of talks at this early stage in our relationship. Can't say I blame him, really. Serious talks always complicate things.
He said I'm his new best friend.
Depending on how you look at it, that could either be endearing or infuriating.
"Do you kiss all your best friends?"
Seriously. I wanted to know.
My last male best friend fell in love with me, and when I didn't return the sentiment, we gradually drifted apart until one day he basically cut me off. I think he literally woke up one morning and thought "I'm going to stop talking to Andrea today." Now he's the coworker formerly known as the best friend, and things are really uncomfortable between us.
I have to wonder if I'm in the opposite position now. Maybe I'm falling in love with someone who's unable or unwilling to return the sentiment. And maybe one morning I'll wake up and decide I need to cut him out of my life.
How long do I wait before I make that decision? What if this is all he ever wants from me? I would always be waiting and wishing for something more, but it would never happen, and I would always feel disappointed.
I've been here before. I'm the absolute master of hooking up with boys who still have feelings for their ex-girlfriends, who aren't ready to take the plunge on a new relationship, who want me to be their best friend, usually with benefits, so they can have all the fun and comfort of a partnership without the responsibility of commitment or fear of getting hurt. I've been here so many times. I can't do it again. I just can't.
I don't want a best friend, dammit! I want a partner! >_< [frumpy frown] The two of us are driving out to the coast this afternoon. I decided earlier this week that I needed ocean time, to contemplate my smallness in the immensity of nature, and I invited him to go with me. If he had said no, I would've gone by myself. Now I almost wish I could. He's got an appointment at midday and can't leave until afterwards. I could ditch him if I wanted to. I could hop in the car alone and leave while he's stuck at his appointment. I know it would hurt him, and I don't want to do that, but it's awfully tempting to be selfish and take care of myself first. So here I am, fighting myself again. Over-analyzing. Nothing can ever "just be". It's worth noting that before this conversation occurred, I had the best evening with him. He called me at work and asked if he could take me out to dinner. It was like a real date! He came over, all freshly shaven and smelling good. We ate dinner and went to a movie. We talked and laughed and had a great time. He held my hand in the theater. And he wasn't all ADD! It was like he set aside an entire evening just to spend time and pay attention to me. It's been years since someone did that for me. It was really, truly wonderful. So why I can't I just count my blessings and enjoy our time together without ripping it apart ten thousand times over in my head? I must be retarded.
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4 comments:
Andrea,
I'm not sure what to say here because I'm not good at this sort of thing, but I understand the need to overanalyze. Sometimes I do it myself, even with the small things.
But I also understand and believe that sometimes when you constantly nit pick at what seems to be the beginning of a great relationship, it can kill the magic at trying to get to know someone and be close to them, and I think sometimes overanalyzing can ruin some great things.
I believe that honesty is the best policy, so I think it's best to be open about your feelings and tell him. It's better than leaving him in the dark.
What I also believe is that sometimes it's best to take a chance and see where things go. Take baby steps if you can.
When you're alone for such a long time, I think you get used to being selfish and only thinking about yourself.
Good luck.
Andrea, thanks. I'll try.
I hope you have a great weekend too. Take care.
I was just catching up on your latest blogs, and whoa. I have absolutely no advice to give you, LOL!
I do know, however, that I would be doing the same exact thing you are. I can imagine that it might be a tough balance to strike -- trying to find time for yourself, but wanting so badly to be available to someone.
And to add onto what BC said, when you're alone for such a long time, you can't help but question things. It just seems natural to, and it's only because you want to be sure, so don't fault yourself for that. It's hard to "just be."
Patience is a virtue, but I think if you give it a little time, if you both just let things flow and don't allow yourself to get caught up in it, I think it will all work out just fine. It may even surprise you. :)
I hope your weekend is awesome and relaxing and full of good times. See you later!
Thanks for your advice BC and Mustard. I think you both have more wisdom than you know!
Our trip to the coast started out strangely. It felt like there was a lot of distance between us. He was very quiet. There was a lot of strange silence at dinner. When I asked him what was up, he said he had a lot on his mind, but he didn't seem to want to elaborate. So I left it alone.
Later in the evening, things sort of went back to "normal". We talked and laughed in the car. We made a trip to the casino and stayed out very late. I fell asleep on the ride home. When we were getting close to town, he woke me up to ask if it was okay if we went to his place. We snuggled up in bed together and slept most of the day away.
So... I don't know? I wish I could understand what's going on in his head, especially when he's so quiet. For some reason, I find it hard to talk to him, like I don't know how to ask certain things, and I don't want to bombard him with a bunch of serious relationship questions. Maybe I'm even afraid to scare him off just by talking about some of this.
Anyway, after writing this blog, and getting some very helpful advice from you guys and several of my friends, I've become more comfortable with the idea of just trying to enjoy what's happening now without tearing it all apart and without freaking out about the future.
"Just be."
Easier said than done, but I'm working hard at it.
OH! I almost forgot....
In the midst of all this internal chaos regarding the pharmacist, I got text messages from the boy at boot camp. When it rains it pours!
I don't even know how to begin dealing with that one. My plan is to sleep on it for a couple days and see how I feel next week.
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