My last post was necessary -- I needed to vent and organize my thoughts. Now that I've slept on it, I've come to the conclusion that all those little issues are irrelevant without an answer to one big question:
Is it worthwhile to spend the time and effort to fix something that's broken when you know it's not going to last anyway?
Here's the problem. The pharmacist and I are holding back from one another. We're not communicating about issues that need to be worked out. We're not fully opening up. We both have reservations. If I look past all the little surface problems down to the core of the matter, I think it comes down to two things:
1.) We've both been hurt and damaged by previous long-term relationships that went horribly wrong, and consequently we're both hesitant. (Jennicula hit the nail on the head.)
2.) We both know he's moving away next spring, so we're both avoiding attachment and investment.
Knowing these two things, how on earth do we proceed? Is there really any point in working through the hesitancy caused by past hurt when the relationship is destined to end when he moves away? Or should I hold on to the possibility that if we are successful together, he might not move away? That seems like a dangerous thing to hope for.
I've decided that I do want to talk to him about this, but I'm still not sure of the best way to bring it up. I don't want him to feel like I'm attacking him with this big overwhelming relationship discussion, even though that's pretty much what it is. But if I don't talk about it, I'm either going to bottle up and start stacking the bricks, or run away and completely hide.
At the very least, the relationship I've built with the pharmacist up to this point must be worth at least a discussion, right? Maybe he can help me decide whether it's worth more than that. I'd like to think it is, but it takes two people to have courage in order for that to work. Right now, I'm feeling pretty yellow.
... Time to go to exercise class. Maybe some good endorphins will give me a new perspective.
Monday, October 6, 2008
Sunday, October 5, 2008
In Circles
I'm over-analyzing again.
Yes, this is a really long post.
I have a friend who has major trust issues with guys and always wants to run away, even when the situation is not negative. It's hard for her understand or accept that a guy could genuinely like her and want to spend time with her without some ulterior motive. Even when everything the guy has said or done indicates that he's nice and trustworthy, she still comes up with all kinds of reasons why he's not, why he can't possibly like her, and why she should remove herself from the situation immediately. This is especially true if she has sex with the guy -- when that happens, she just shuts herself off and never wants to see him again.
Her counselor told her that in order to overcome her fear and distrust, she sometimes needs to force herself to remain in a situation that is outside her comfort zone. Examine the evidence at hand. Look at all the negative things you've worked out in your brain, and then look at your interactions with this person. Do they meet up? No? Can you find any reason at all to think the way you do, based on how this guy has acted or treated you? No? Then you need to stick around and see it through, even though it freaks you out. When the guy provides tangible evidence of something negative, then obviously, you need to deal with it accordingly. But don't run away screaming prematurely.
Since I've talked about this with my friend, I've thought about it a lot with regard to my own relationships. I tend to think and behave very similarly to my friend. We've bonded quite a bit over this, because we understand each other on that level. Whenever she wants to run away from a guy, I'm her lifeline, and vice versa. We talk about it and lay out the facts together.
I'm weighing out all kinds of things right now. A big part of me really strongly wants to bail, run away, and hide out by myself. If I examine the evidence, does it match up with the images I've created in my own head? I'm not sure anymore. Maybe I've worked myself into so many circles that I can't think straight.
I have several fears.
I don't want to settle into a relationship of convenience just because it's easy and comfortable. In my last long-term relationship, I lived with someone for several years. So did the pharmacist. Now it seems we both want to settle into those old comfortable patterns even though our relationship is new. At least, that's my fear. Is there evidence to back that up? Yes and no.
One of the things that bothers me, and this is actually somewhat contradictory, is that the pharmacist really isn't very good at integrating me into his life. His work schedule is different than mine, and that complicates things, but I've always been willing to make time for him even if it means that I don't get enough sleep some nights, or I lose some of my "me time" because I spend it with him. He has a much harder time doing that. His routine is so set. We end up not seeing each other for several days in a row, and then when we do get together, we spend *all* of our time together. (That's when the old comfort patterns start to show up.)
So I guess it's just not very balanced? I need something more consistent. Whether it's consistently little, or consistently a lot... it's hard for me to not see him all week, and then spend an entire weekend with him. I don't like to swing back and forth like that.
Another issue is that he's a huge scatter brain who can't maintain focus on one thing for very long. When I hang out at his house, he is constantly doing at least three things at once. He talks to me while he's buzzing around, but it's like I'm part of the scenery. He's not really *with* me. I'm one more distraction among many -- I'm not the focus. I'm not saying that I need to be the focus all the time. I actually don't mind just hanging out while he does his thing, but once in a while I need a check-in for reassurance. Come and sit down next to me for a few minutes. Give me a hug. Ask me how I'm doing. Anything small or brief just to let me know that I'm still on your mind and it hasn't escaped your attention that I'm sitting here doing nothing by myself. Sometimes he leaves me feeling lonely, even when he's physically right there in the same room. It makes me wonder what I'm doing there.
The amazing thing is, if he notices that I'm unhappy, or if I tell him directly that I need something, he takes note, and he really does try to improve. I've never known anyone quite so accommodating in this way, and I think it's one of the sweetest, most generous qualities he has. But he has to be paying attention in order for that to happen, and sometimes it's a challenge to get him to focus.
Then there's the whole comfort zone issue, for both of us.
This weekend, I went shooting with him. I had never fired a gun before (besides my step-brother's BB gun when I was a kid). It was really scary for me, but I did it anyway. I actually had fun firing the guns, but again felt like I was part of the scenery with him -- he was so distracted with his toys and his buddy who went with us.
I asked him to go to a concert with me this week. At first, he said he couldn't go because he had to work. But I think he got his schedule mixed up, because today he said he has that day off. I said, well if you've got that day off, why don't you go to the concert with me? I'd really like it if you did. He totally dragged his feet and said he's not sure if wants to go because he doesn't know if he'll like it the band.
So I've gone way, way out of my comfort zone for him, but he's not willing to go outside his for me. What the hell?
There was the sex comfort zone issue too. Somehow we ended up talking about it, and he told me he didn't want to go all the way with me. Then after about a week of gradually getting closer and closer, we finally went there, on his initiative, not mine. I guess he's trying to do what he thinks I want, which has its merit, but... um... Confusing much?
I've noticed that he will initially say "no" when something makes him uncomfortable, then he'll go away and think about it for a while, and find some way to rationalize it to himself to make it okay. Then he'll come back and try to be accommodating. While I appreciate his effort here, the process that he goes through is very foreign to me. I guess in a way I do the same thing, but I'll never say "no" to anything so quickly as he does. I'll say that I'm not sure and I need to think about it. He'll say "no" very quickly and definitively, almost defensively if it's a touchy subject for him, and then in the end he'll do it anyway, without ever telling me that he thought about it and changed his mind.
On top of everything else, we're both still holding ourselves back from each other emotionally. Is it just because we both know he's moving away next spring? Or is it something more than that?
For me, it's mainly because he's moving and also because I don't really know where we stand. I mean really, all the gripes I listed above are not insurmountable problems that can't be fixed. If I knew he was going to be here, and I knew that we were both on board with trying to have a serious relationship, I would most definitely talk to him about these things, let him know how it makes me feel, ask him how he feels, and hopefully reach some sort of happy medium that we can both agree on. But when I don't know what we are or where we're going, and when I know he's leaving the state in several months, I have to ask myself... is it really worth it to put in the effort to sort these issues out when there's no long term commitment?
But then I put myself at risk for the opposite, which is where we don't talk about it, we don't sort it out, and I feel like I've settled for something less than ideal because I'm too lazy or too afraid to make it right.
So if I can't settle, and I can't address the issues, then... why am I in this situation to begin with?
And this is where I start to think about running away. Because maybe it's easier to bail out now before somebody really gets hurt.
Then I go back to my conversations with my friend, and the advice from her counselor. What if I really need to force myself to stay outside my comfort zone and just deal with it, because it will help me grow, even if this particular relationship doesn't work out in the end?
But how do I know it won't work out? What if there's a chance we could fall in love? Then am I short-changing myself by not trying to work through this with him? In that case, I really should stay instead of running away.
On the other hand, if he thought we would be together in the long term sense, he wouldn't still be talking about moving, he wouldn't still be making life plans where there's no possibility of me fitting into his big picture. Would he?
I suppose he doesn't know where we're going any more than I do. But then what does he think about these little issues? I know he's not oblivious to them. Is he also trying to figure out whether to address the issues and work them out, or let them slide because there's no point if we're not long term? Or maybe he's managed to achieve what I have so far failed at -- accepting it for what it is and taking it one day at a time.
I'd like to know where he stands, but that would involve talking to him about this, which would involve putting forth the time and effort to hash it out, and I still don't know if it's worth it, given the fact that we're probably not long term. Not only that, but I don't even know where to begin trying to bring this up with him. He'll probably want to run away.
Can't say I blame him. I want to run away too.
But at the same time, I don't, because I really do like him a lot.
Damn it all, I think Jennicula was right.
... and the cycle of over-analysis continues.
Yes, this is a really long post.
I have a friend who has major trust issues with guys and always wants to run away, even when the situation is not negative. It's hard for her understand or accept that a guy could genuinely like her and want to spend time with her without some ulterior motive. Even when everything the guy has said or done indicates that he's nice and trustworthy, she still comes up with all kinds of reasons why he's not, why he can't possibly like her, and why she should remove herself from the situation immediately. This is especially true if she has sex with the guy -- when that happens, she just shuts herself off and never wants to see him again.
Her counselor told her that in order to overcome her fear and distrust, she sometimes needs to force herself to remain in a situation that is outside her comfort zone. Examine the evidence at hand. Look at all the negative things you've worked out in your brain, and then look at your interactions with this person. Do they meet up? No? Can you find any reason at all to think the way you do, based on how this guy has acted or treated you? No? Then you need to stick around and see it through, even though it freaks you out. When the guy provides tangible evidence of something negative, then obviously, you need to deal with it accordingly. But don't run away screaming prematurely.
Since I've talked about this with my friend, I've thought about it a lot with regard to my own relationships. I tend to think and behave very similarly to my friend. We've bonded quite a bit over this, because we understand each other on that level. Whenever she wants to run away from a guy, I'm her lifeline, and vice versa. We talk about it and lay out the facts together.
I'm weighing out all kinds of things right now. A big part of me really strongly wants to bail, run away, and hide out by myself. If I examine the evidence, does it match up with the images I've created in my own head? I'm not sure anymore. Maybe I've worked myself into so many circles that I can't think straight.
I have several fears.
I don't want to settle into a relationship of convenience just because it's easy and comfortable. In my last long-term relationship, I lived with someone for several years. So did the pharmacist. Now it seems we both want to settle into those old comfortable patterns even though our relationship is new. At least, that's my fear. Is there evidence to back that up? Yes and no.
One of the things that bothers me, and this is actually somewhat contradictory, is that the pharmacist really isn't very good at integrating me into his life. His work schedule is different than mine, and that complicates things, but I've always been willing to make time for him even if it means that I don't get enough sleep some nights, or I lose some of my "me time" because I spend it with him. He has a much harder time doing that. His routine is so set. We end up not seeing each other for several days in a row, and then when we do get together, we spend *all* of our time together. (That's when the old comfort patterns start to show up.)
So I guess it's just not very balanced? I need something more consistent. Whether it's consistently little, or consistently a lot... it's hard for me to not see him all week, and then spend an entire weekend with him. I don't like to swing back and forth like that.
Another issue is that he's a huge scatter brain who can't maintain focus on one thing for very long. When I hang out at his house, he is constantly doing at least three things at once. He talks to me while he's buzzing around, but it's like I'm part of the scenery. He's not really *with* me. I'm one more distraction among many -- I'm not the focus. I'm not saying that I need to be the focus all the time. I actually don't mind just hanging out while he does his thing, but once in a while I need a check-in for reassurance. Come and sit down next to me for a few minutes. Give me a hug. Ask me how I'm doing. Anything small or brief just to let me know that I'm still on your mind and it hasn't escaped your attention that I'm sitting here doing nothing by myself. Sometimes he leaves me feeling lonely, even when he's physically right there in the same room. It makes me wonder what I'm doing there.
The amazing thing is, if he notices that I'm unhappy, or if I tell him directly that I need something, he takes note, and he really does try to improve. I've never known anyone quite so accommodating in this way, and I think it's one of the sweetest, most generous qualities he has. But he has to be paying attention in order for that to happen, and sometimes it's a challenge to get him to focus.
Then there's the whole comfort zone issue, for both of us.
This weekend, I went shooting with him. I had never fired a gun before (besides my step-brother's BB gun when I was a kid). It was really scary for me, but I did it anyway. I actually had fun firing the guns, but again felt like I was part of the scenery with him -- he was so distracted with his toys and his buddy who went with us.
I asked him to go to a concert with me this week. At first, he said he couldn't go because he had to work. But I think he got his schedule mixed up, because today he said he has that day off. I said, well if you've got that day off, why don't you go to the concert with me? I'd really like it if you did. He totally dragged his feet and said he's not sure if wants to go because he doesn't know if he'll like it the band.
So I've gone way, way out of my comfort zone for him, but he's not willing to go outside his for me. What the hell?
There was the sex comfort zone issue too. Somehow we ended up talking about it, and he told me he didn't want to go all the way with me. Then after about a week of gradually getting closer and closer, we finally went there, on his initiative, not mine. I guess he's trying to do what he thinks I want, which has its merit, but... um... Confusing much?
I've noticed that he will initially say "no" when something makes him uncomfortable, then he'll go away and think about it for a while, and find some way to rationalize it to himself to make it okay. Then he'll come back and try to be accommodating. While I appreciate his effort here, the process that he goes through is very foreign to me. I guess in a way I do the same thing, but I'll never say "no" to anything so quickly as he does. I'll say that I'm not sure and I need to think about it. He'll say "no" very quickly and definitively, almost defensively if it's a touchy subject for him, and then in the end he'll do it anyway, without ever telling me that he thought about it and changed his mind.
On top of everything else, we're both still holding ourselves back from each other emotionally. Is it just because we both know he's moving away next spring? Or is it something more than that?
For me, it's mainly because he's moving and also because I don't really know where we stand. I mean really, all the gripes I listed above are not insurmountable problems that can't be fixed. If I knew he was going to be here, and I knew that we were both on board with trying to have a serious relationship, I would most definitely talk to him about these things, let him know how it makes me feel, ask him how he feels, and hopefully reach some sort of happy medium that we can both agree on. But when I don't know what we are or where we're going, and when I know he's leaving the state in several months, I have to ask myself... is it really worth it to put in the effort to sort these issues out when there's no long term commitment?
But then I put myself at risk for the opposite, which is where we don't talk about it, we don't sort it out, and I feel like I've settled for something less than ideal because I'm too lazy or too afraid to make it right.
So if I can't settle, and I can't address the issues, then... why am I in this situation to begin with?
And this is where I start to think about running away. Because maybe it's easier to bail out now before somebody really gets hurt.
Then I go back to my conversations with my friend, and the advice from her counselor. What if I really need to force myself to stay outside my comfort zone and just deal with it, because it will help me grow, even if this particular relationship doesn't work out in the end?
But how do I know it won't work out? What if there's a chance we could fall in love? Then am I short-changing myself by not trying to work through this with him? In that case, I really should stay instead of running away.
On the other hand, if he thought we would be together in the long term sense, he wouldn't still be talking about moving, he wouldn't still be making life plans where there's no possibility of me fitting into his big picture. Would he?
I suppose he doesn't know where we're going any more than I do. But then what does he think about these little issues? I know he's not oblivious to them. Is he also trying to figure out whether to address the issues and work them out, or let them slide because there's no point if we're not long term? Or maybe he's managed to achieve what I have so far failed at -- accepting it for what it is and taking it one day at a time.
I'd like to know where he stands, but that would involve talking to him about this, which would involve putting forth the time and effort to hash it out, and I still don't know if it's worth it, given the fact that we're probably not long term. Not only that, but I don't even know where to begin trying to bring this up with him. He'll probably want to run away.
Can't say I blame him. I want to run away too.
But at the same time, I don't, because I really do like him a lot.
Damn it all, I think Jennicula was right.
... and the cycle of over-analysis continues.
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