The Heart Of The Matter

My last post was necessary -- I needed to vent and organize my thoughts. Now that I've slept on it, I've come to the conclusion that all those little issues are irrelevant without an answer to one big question:

Is it worthwhile to spend the time and effort to fix something that's broken when you know it's not going to last anyway?

Here's the problem. The pharmacist and I are holding back from one another. We're not communicating about issues that need to be worked out. We're not fully opening up. We both have reservations. If I look past all the little surface problems down to the core of the matter, I think it comes down to two things:

1.) We've both been hurt and damaged by previous long-term relationships that went horribly wrong, and consequently we're both hesitant. (Jennicula hit the nail on the head.)

2.) We both know he's moving away next spring, so we're both avoiding attachment and investment.

Knowing these two things, how on earth do we proceed? Is there really any point in working through the hesitancy caused by past hurt when the relationship is destined to end when he moves away? Or should I hold on to the possibility that if we are successful together, he might not move away? That seems like a dangerous thing to hope for.

I've decided that I do want to talk to him about this, but I'm still not sure of the best way to bring it up. I don't want him to feel like I'm attacking him with this big overwhelming relationship discussion, even though that's pretty much what it is. But if I don't talk about it, I'm either going to bottle up and start stacking the bricks, or run away and completely hide.

At the very least, the relationship I've built with the pharmacist up to this point must be worth at least a discussion, right? Maybe he can help me decide whether it's worth more than that. I'd like to think it is, but it takes two people to have courage in order for that to work. Right now, I'm feeling pretty yellow.

... Time to go to exercise class. Maybe some good endorphins will give me a new perspective.