I have a huge fucking headache today, preventing me from being very productive at work. I took ibuprofen, but it hasn't kicked in yet. Maybe by the time I finish writing this, I might feel better.
The boy wants to read my blog. Should I let him?
Only one person I know in real life has access to this blog, and she and I don't even really talk much anymore. (I miss you, by the way -- you know who you are.) I've kept this place to myself for a reason. I want to be free to write about whatever is on my mind without worrying about how it's going to make people feel. I don't want my coworkers to get angry, or my friends to get hurt. I am honest here, uncensored. And I'm afraid that if someone I know is reading this, and I'm aware of that, I might subconsciously edit myself. I don't want that. I need this place.
On the other hand, it's endearing that the boy wants to get to know me, and of all people, he is one of the few whose presence here wouldn't bother me so much. I want to be open and honest with him, I want him to know what goes on inside my head, although I do have some fears about what he might think... this is a lot for anyone to digest. I write so much, and sometimes even I think I'm crazy when I look back at old posts.
Hmm... I will ponder this decision a while longer.
It's amazingly beautiful outside today -- the sky is bright and clear, and the few trees that still have leaves are colored with gold and crimson. I wish I didn't have to be in the office right now, especially with a headache.
I keep waiting for snow. I bought a season pass to Mt. Hood Meadows again this year, but so far this winter is not off to a good start. The mountain is bare. The only ski run open in the whole state is Palmer Snowfield at Timberline. Palmer is literally a glacier -- it's steep and icy, groomed and re-frozen over and over again. At least once a year in June or July, me and my friends start to jones for skiing, and we contemplate a midsummer trip to Palmer. In the end, we always decide it's not worth the time or money.
Now, we're starting to talk about it again. At this time last year, Meadows was open, and we were there. Two years ago, the river flooded and washed out the road to Meadows in both directions, so we settled for Timberline for a few weeks until the road was repaired. But even then... there were more runs open at Timberline than just Palmer. This year, I don't know... I don't want to drive for 2.5 hours and pay $40 to ski on the glacier, but the longer we go without new snow, the more my resolve is weakened.
Dammit, I want to fucking go skiing!
Anyway... I need to re-evaluate this headache and make a decision to either suck it up and get some work done, or throw in the towel and go home.
Please send me some positive headache-free thoughts!
... and yes... that was a Huey Lewis reference. ;)
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Monday, December 1, 2008
Update
I've been taking too long in between blog posts. When I finally have time to sit and write, I don't know where to start. So... I guess this is going to be another brain dump...
Wednesday 11/26:
I got off work early and met up with the boy for a movie. We talked about Thanksgiving dinner at his family's house, my nervousness about it, and the fact that it's rather early for me to be meeting his mother and his family. He agreed that it was early, but said he wouldn't let me spend Thanksgiving alone, so I should quit being nervous and get ready for turkey.
He had other plans after the movie - preparation for the next morning's Turkey Bowl - so he dropped me off at home, and I went to bed. A couple hours later, he texted me. He missed me and wanted to come over. We snuggled up together and went to sleep. :-) :-) :-)
Thursday 11/27 (Thanksgiving):
I was supposed to go watch Turkey Bowl, but I elected to stay home and sleep in. Boy got up early to go play. I lounged around and eventually got my act together in time for dinner. The boy picked me up in the afternoon and we went to his aunt's house.
There weren't as many people as I expected. His two cousins who I'd hung out with before were there, so that made it less awkward, already knowing some people. Dinner was very tasty, and people were nice for the most part. The boy's mother was a little distant, not in a bad way, just... normally when I meet someone's parents, they want to know about me. She didn't ask me any questions, and didn't really engage me in conversation. Come to think of it, the other female relatives were the same way. Maybe that's just how their family is. Or maybe they disprove of their son dating a 31-year-old. Or maybe they figure our relationship won't last, so there's no point in getting to know me. Whatever... clearly, I've thought about this too much, but it really doesn't matter. If I meet them again, then perhaps I'll get to know them better. If not, then no loss.
Everything was really pretty nice, normal, an non-awkward until it came time to take pictures. They were taking family photos in various groupings -- the sisters together, all the guys together, etc. -- and I was sitting back, watching, not feeling left out at all because, well... they're family photos, and I'm not family. I had no problem with that, and in fact, I was rather comfortable just watching. But then the boy's aunt made me get in the big group photo. That was slightly awkward, but I figured since I was there for dinner, maybe she just wanted a photo of everyone who was there, whether they're family or not (even though I was the only one not related). It was much more awkward when they made the boy and I pose together in front of everyone while 3 different people took photos. It might have been less weird if they had been more warm and open towards me in conversation, if I could tell that they actually really liked me. But I couldn't tell one way or another. I don't think they disliked me, but in general it seemed like first impressions were just neutral. So it was a little odd to have multiple people flashing cameras in my face. But I went along with it. The boy apologized profusely afterwards. He hates being in photos, maybe even more than I do.
Anyway, overall it was a good experience. After dinner I went and stayed at the boy's new place for the night.
Friday 11/28 (Black Friday):
The boy got up at some ungodly hour to go buy a new TV. I slept in. By the time I got up, the TV was already hooked up and being tested out. We went out to breakfast, and then I went home. I was feeling a little melancholy and didn't want to be home alone with nothing to do. I hung out with my friend for a little while and talked about her new relationship excitement. Then I went shopping by myself and bought a new pair of jeans.
In the evening, the boy stopped by my place briefly. By this point, he was starting to notice me being a little moody and distant.
Yeah... I over-analyzed, and I freaked myself out a little bit. We knew this was coming, right?
Maybe it was meeting the family, maybe it's the amount of time we've been spending together, maybe it's the fact that I'm so nearly in love with him yet I keep holding myself back...
Whatever the cause, he saw it, and he asked me about it, but I told him I wasn't ready to talk. He went on to do whatever he had planned, and I made an impromptu trip to the casino. Sometimes playing cards really helps to clear my head. It put me in a much better mood.
After a couple hours of card playing, I got text from the boy. The cousins and a couple friends were at his place playing X-Box and drinking, and he wanted me to join them. When I was ready to leave the casino, I went to their place. It was a fun time with lots of laughter and goofiness. I slept over that night, as did two of the cousins, plus the cousin who lives there, and his girlfriend. Big drunken slumber party.
Saturday 11/29:
The boy and I woke up and spent some time being extremely goofy -- wrestling, tickling, laughing. It was so fun. But when his attention shifted to his cousins who were now awake in the living room, I started to feel melancholy again. Then I felt like the boy was being extra arrogant, although when I look back on it, I don't think he really was. Maybe I was just feeling extra sensitive.
I had plans to meet my friend for brunch, so I got dressed and ready to go. Once again, the boy saw me looking distant. He followed me out the door and wanted me to talk. I told him everything was fine, that I was just focused on my plans with my friend. He knew better, but he didn't press me too hard because I was already running late.
I thought my friend and I might go shopping or catch a movie after brunch, but her new relationship excitement took a turn for the even-more-dramatic, and she really just wanted to visit and talk about it. We sat for a long time and got caught up on our respective relationship details, then she went off to meet up with her guy. I ended up going back to visit the boy. The cousins were gone, and he was alone, watching a movie on the new TV. He looked at me very seriously, right in the eyes, and asked me point blank what was bothering me.
I said "nothing." He didn't believe me.
I looked away. He made me look at him.
I said I didn't want to talk about it. He said he wanted to listen.
It was really quite amazing. All my little tactics for hiding myself were useless on him. He saw right through me, and every time I stalled or avoided, he brought me back in. More importantly, he encouraged me to share myself and convinced me that nothing I said would push him away, that I shouldn't be afraid. He actually fought me for me!
We talked, and a lot of things came out. We're both worried about him leaving. We both feel strongly about one another, but we've both been holding ourselves back because we don't know what's going to happen. We've both been worried about the amount of time we've been spending together. We're both worried about our own moodiness and changeable feelings. And... [deep breath]... I told him that I dated the pharmacist while he was away at training.
Much to my surprise, after all that, he didn't run away. He still held me. He still looked in my eyes. He still kissed me. And with everything out on the table, we're closer than ever. He is mine, and I am his. Although we both acknowledge that we don't know how this is going to work when he leaves, or if we'll even make it that far, so we plan to take it as it comes, one day at a time, and just enjoy our time together right now. If we're still this close when it's time for him to go, then we'll talk about it.
He said he could never ask me to wait for him while he's gone for a year. But honestly, if I still feel this way about him in 3 months, I can't possibly date anyone else. Especially after what I learned from dating the pharmacist. Why waste time on someone who doesn't know me and doesn't care to try, when I've already got someone who sees me and likes me for who I am and genuinely wants to spend his time with me? The boy is all kinds of perfect to me right now. Unless it's really not working out in 3 months, how could I ever let him go? I won't make the same mistake twice. Something this wonderful is worth waiting for.
After we talked, we went our separate ways for the afternoon. He had errands, and I needed to spend some time giving attention to my cats and my increasingly messy apartment.
Saturday night, the boy came over to my place to do laundry. Clothes in the wash, we laid down on the bed next to each other and talked for a little while. He was so tired. He fell asleep at about 9:00pm and could not be stirred. I watched him sleep for a bit, checked his clothes, watched some MythBusters, and eventually climbed into bed next to him. He wrapped his arms around me, and I drifted off. It was the best night of sleep I'd had all week.
Sunday 11/30:
Boy went home with clean clothes. I lounged around, drank some tea, checked my email. I went to see Transporter 3. (Jason Statham -- so hot right now!) I was picking up lunch for myself when the boy texted me and told me he was having a Heroes marathon. I took my lunch over to his place and he and I, along with his cousin/roommate and girlfriend, watched at least 3 discs of Heroes. It was such a great afternoon, just snuggling on the couch, watching a show we all love. So mellow. I'd call it a perfect Sunday.
He was extra sweet and cute all afternoon. I don't know how to describe it really, except to say that he looks at me with so much affection now... I get the warm fuzzies just thinking about it. I love that boy. :)
I started talking to him about my situation at work, and the fact that I'm planning to leave my job and move to Portland within the next few months. He got very quiet and looked very sad. I asked him what was wrong, and he looked me right in the eye and said, "you're going to move away and leave me." My heart completely melted. I put my hand on his cheek and said, "No. Whatever happens with my job, I want to be with you. We'll make it work." He never looked away from my eyes.
It was the first time I'd ever seen him act vulnerable in that way, and it touched me. Usually I'm the one with the constant fear in the back of my mind that the person I'm with is going to leave me for some better opportunity. Even with the boy, up until we had our conversation on Saturday. I can't remember the last time it was reversed, where someone wanted to be with me so much that they really looked hurt at the thought of me leaving. The thing is, I feel the same way about him. When I think of him leaving to go to Iraq, it hurts inside. But even though I feel it, and I see him feeling it, it's still almost incomprehensible to me. It's so hard for me to wrap my head around the idea of someone wanting or needing me, and me wanting and needing him too. It seems impossible. Yet here it is, right in front of me. How did I get so lucky?
We watched another movie (Waiting, which was hilarious), and he held me tightly the entire time. We looked in each others' eyes a lot, just staring and being amazed, the same way we looked at each other on the night we met.
Seriously, how is this possible? I just can't comprehend it. But maybe understanding it isn't the point. Maybe I just need to accept it and enjoy it. Let it flow. ^_~
Monday 12/1:
I woke up next to the boy, warm and comfortable. We exchanged many smiles, hugs, and kisses before I finally dragged myself out of bed to go to work.
I've been smiling all day. :)
Wednesday 11/26:
I got off work early and met up with the boy for a movie. We talked about Thanksgiving dinner at his family's house, my nervousness about it, and the fact that it's rather early for me to be meeting his mother and his family. He agreed that it was early, but said he wouldn't let me spend Thanksgiving alone, so I should quit being nervous and get ready for turkey.
He had other plans after the movie - preparation for the next morning's Turkey Bowl - so he dropped me off at home, and I went to bed. A couple hours later, he texted me. He missed me and wanted to come over. We snuggled up together and went to sleep. :-) :-) :-)
Thursday 11/27 (Thanksgiving):
I was supposed to go watch Turkey Bowl, but I elected to stay home and sleep in. Boy got up early to go play. I lounged around and eventually got my act together in time for dinner. The boy picked me up in the afternoon and we went to his aunt's house.
There weren't as many people as I expected. His two cousins who I'd hung out with before were there, so that made it less awkward, already knowing some people. Dinner was very tasty, and people were nice for the most part. The boy's mother was a little distant, not in a bad way, just... normally when I meet someone's parents, they want to know about me. She didn't ask me any questions, and didn't really engage me in conversation. Come to think of it, the other female relatives were the same way. Maybe that's just how their family is. Or maybe they disprove of their son dating a 31-year-old. Or maybe they figure our relationship won't last, so there's no point in getting to know me. Whatever... clearly, I've thought about this too much, but it really doesn't matter. If I meet them again, then perhaps I'll get to know them better. If not, then no loss.
Everything was really pretty nice, normal, an non-awkward until it came time to take pictures. They were taking family photos in various groupings -- the sisters together, all the guys together, etc. -- and I was sitting back, watching, not feeling left out at all because, well... they're family photos, and I'm not family. I had no problem with that, and in fact, I was rather comfortable just watching. But then the boy's aunt made me get in the big group photo. That was slightly awkward, but I figured since I was there for dinner, maybe she just wanted a photo of everyone who was there, whether they're family or not (even though I was the only one not related). It was much more awkward when they made the boy and I pose together in front of everyone while 3 different people took photos. It might have been less weird if they had been more warm and open towards me in conversation, if I could tell that they actually really liked me. But I couldn't tell one way or another. I don't think they disliked me, but in general it seemed like first impressions were just neutral. So it was a little odd to have multiple people flashing cameras in my face. But I went along with it. The boy apologized profusely afterwards. He hates being in photos, maybe even more than I do.
Anyway, overall it was a good experience. After dinner I went and stayed at the boy's new place for the night.
Friday 11/28 (Black Friday):
The boy got up at some ungodly hour to go buy a new TV. I slept in. By the time I got up, the TV was already hooked up and being tested out. We went out to breakfast, and then I went home. I was feeling a little melancholy and didn't want to be home alone with nothing to do. I hung out with my friend for a little while and talked about her new relationship excitement. Then I went shopping by myself and bought a new pair of jeans.
In the evening, the boy stopped by my place briefly. By this point, he was starting to notice me being a little moody and distant.
Yeah... I over-analyzed, and I freaked myself out a little bit. We knew this was coming, right?
Maybe it was meeting the family, maybe it's the amount of time we've been spending together, maybe it's the fact that I'm so nearly in love with him yet I keep holding myself back...
Whatever the cause, he saw it, and he asked me about it, but I told him I wasn't ready to talk. He went on to do whatever he had planned, and I made an impromptu trip to the casino. Sometimes playing cards really helps to clear my head. It put me in a much better mood.
After a couple hours of card playing, I got text from the boy. The cousins and a couple friends were at his place playing X-Box and drinking, and he wanted me to join them. When I was ready to leave the casino, I went to their place. It was a fun time with lots of laughter and goofiness. I slept over that night, as did two of the cousins, plus the cousin who lives there, and his girlfriend. Big drunken slumber party.
Saturday 11/29:
The boy and I woke up and spent some time being extremely goofy -- wrestling, tickling, laughing. It was so fun. But when his attention shifted to his cousins who were now awake in the living room, I started to feel melancholy again. Then I felt like the boy was being extra arrogant, although when I look back on it, I don't think he really was. Maybe I was just feeling extra sensitive.
I had plans to meet my friend for brunch, so I got dressed and ready to go. Once again, the boy saw me looking distant. He followed me out the door and wanted me to talk. I told him everything was fine, that I was just focused on my plans with my friend. He knew better, but he didn't press me too hard because I was already running late.
I thought my friend and I might go shopping or catch a movie after brunch, but her new relationship excitement took a turn for the even-more-dramatic, and she really just wanted to visit and talk about it. We sat for a long time and got caught up on our respective relationship details, then she went off to meet up with her guy. I ended up going back to visit the boy. The cousins were gone, and he was alone, watching a movie on the new TV. He looked at me very seriously, right in the eyes, and asked me point blank what was bothering me.
I said "nothing." He didn't believe me.
I looked away. He made me look at him.
I said I didn't want to talk about it. He said he wanted to listen.
It was really quite amazing. All my little tactics for hiding myself were useless on him. He saw right through me, and every time I stalled or avoided, he brought me back in. More importantly, he encouraged me to share myself and convinced me that nothing I said would push him away, that I shouldn't be afraid. He actually fought me for me!
We talked, and a lot of things came out. We're both worried about him leaving. We both feel strongly about one another, but we've both been holding ourselves back because we don't know what's going to happen. We've both been worried about the amount of time we've been spending together. We're both worried about our own moodiness and changeable feelings. And... [deep breath]... I told him that I dated the pharmacist while he was away at training.
Much to my surprise, after all that, he didn't run away. He still held me. He still looked in my eyes. He still kissed me. And with everything out on the table, we're closer than ever. He is mine, and I am his. Although we both acknowledge that we don't know how this is going to work when he leaves, or if we'll even make it that far, so we plan to take it as it comes, one day at a time, and just enjoy our time together right now. If we're still this close when it's time for him to go, then we'll talk about it.
He said he could never ask me to wait for him while he's gone for a year. But honestly, if I still feel this way about him in 3 months, I can't possibly date anyone else. Especially after what I learned from dating the pharmacist. Why waste time on someone who doesn't know me and doesn't care to try, when I've already got someone who sees me and likes me for who I am and genuinely wants to spend his time with me? The boy is all kinds of perfect to me right now. Unless it's really not working out in 3 months, how could I ever let him go? I won't make the same mistake twice. Something this wonderful is worth waiting for.
After we talked, we went our separate ways for the afternoon. He had errands, and I needed to spend some time giving attention to my cats and my increasingly messy apartment.
Saturday night, the boy came over to my place to do laundry. Clothes in the wash, we laid down on the bed next to each other and talked for a little while. He was so tired. He fell asleep at about 9:00pm and could not be stirred. I watched him sleep for a bit, checked his clothes, watched some MythBusters, and eventually climbed into bed next to him. He wrapped his arms around me, and I drifted off. It was the best night of sleep I'd had all week.
Sunday 11/30:
Boy went home with clean clothes. I lounged around, drank some tea, checked my email. I went to see Transporter 3. (Jason Statham -- so hot right now!) I was picking up lunch for myself when the boy texted me and told me he was having a Heroes marathon. I took my lunch over to his place and he and I, along with his cousin/roommate and girlfriend, watched at least 3 discs of Heroes. It was such a great afternoon, just snuggling on the couch, watching a show we all love. So mellow. I'd call it a perfect Sunday.
He was extra sweet and cute all afternoon. I don't know how to describe it really, except to say that he looks at me with so much affection now... I get the warm fuzzies just thinking about it. I love that boy. :)
I started talking to him about my situation at work, and the fact that I'm planning to leave my job and move to Portland within the next few months. He got very quiet and looked very sad. I asked him what was wrong, and he looked me right in the eye and said, "you're going to move away and leave me." My heart completely melted. I put my hand on his cheek and said, "No. Whatever happens with my job, I want to be with you. We'll make it work." He never looked away from my eyes.
It was the first time I'd ever seen him act vulnerable in that way, and it touched me. Usually I'm the one with the constant fear in the back of my mind that the person I'm with is going to leave me for some better opportunity. Even with the boy, up until we had our conversation on Saturday. I can't remember the last time it was reversed, where someone wanted to be with me so much that they really looked hurt at the thought of me leaving. The thing is, I feel the same way about him. When I think of him leaving to go to Iraq, it hurts inside. But even though I feel it, and I see him feeling it, it's still almost incomprehensible to me. It's so hard for me to wrap my head around the idea of someone wanting or needing me, and me wanting and needing him too. It seems impossible. Yet here it is, right in front of me. How did I get so lucky?
We watched another movie (Waiting, which was hilarious), and he held me tightly the entire time. We looked in each others' eyes a lot, just staring and being amazed, the same way we looked at each other on the night we met.
Seriously, how is this possible? I just can't comprehend it. But maybe understanding it isn't the point. Maybe I just need to accept it and enjoy it. Let it flow. ^_~
Monday 12/1:
I woke up next to the boy, warm and comfortable. We exchanged many smiles, hugs, and kisses before I finally dragged myself out of bed to go to work.
I've been smiling all day. :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
