For a long time my motto has been "hope for the best, expect the worst." I go into situations with both optimism and caution.
This has the potential to go really well, and I want to do everything I can to make sure it does.... but I should still guard myself, just in case.
Where relationships are concerned, I'm usually involved with someone who is less optimistic than I am. I always manage to hook up with the guy who just got out of a serious relationship, or the guy who freaks out at the thought of any type of commitment. Someone who is cynical. Someone who refuses to look farther than two weeks down the road. Someone who would have reservations about any new relationship, whether it's with me or someone else.
I always see the signs, yet I still go into the relationship with the intention of looking for common ground. I'm willing to compromise to make it work, even to the point of making excuses for that person. I analyze the situation to death and I worry constantly about all the negatives, but even still, I hold on to the positives for dear life, recognizing red flags but ignoring them, thinking I can overcome them. It's a puzzle I need to solve. I persevere until the guy bails out or I'm too exhausted to continue, whichever comes first.
All the while, a part of myself remains tucked away and protected. I reach out with one hand while I keep the other hand hidden behind my back. For all my willingness to compromise, I still barricade myself in the corner to avoid getting hurt, and I'll even sabotage a potentially good situation just by closing myself off.
It often amazes me how I am able to extend myself so far in order to conquer a challenge while simultaneously pulling myself inward to remain safe and untouchable. It's a fine line, and it's a fucked up way of living, but I've come to rely on it.
Now, I've met someone who is not cynical, who is not afraid to look down the road, who is not freaked out at the thought of commitment. He thinks about me as much I as think about him. He wants to spend as much time with me as I want to spend with him. I keep looking for red flags, but there aren't any!
I keep thinking eventually I'm going to get exhausted, or there will be a compromise too big, or one of us will just get sick of hanging out and want to bail. But I can't get exhausted because the relationship gives me energy instead of taking it away. And there can't be a compromise too big because I haven't really had to make any compromises in the first place -- he and I are already in the same place, wanting the same things. And neither one of us has ever come close to being sick of hanging out -- we both look forward to seeing each other every day.
I'm not used to this, and in some ways I don't know how to deal with it. I can't operate by my usual methods. There's no need to overextend myself, and he won't let me hide. So I'm right here, out in the open, just being me. It freaks me out a little bit.
Do I have any good logical reason for being freaked out?
No, not really. He accepts me and cares for me just the way I am.
Nevertheless, it's hard not to fall back on old habits. I don't want to guard myself around him, he gives me no reason to, but it still happens from time to time, just out of routine.
I am trying. I am learning not to second guess this. And he's helping me quite a bit, just by being around, and being who he is.
He is not letting me go, and I don't want to let him go either. In fact, I'm pretty sure I could wake up next to him every morning for the rest of my life and be perfectly happy. Being with him is like being home. There is no one I would rather spend my time with.
I am falling in love with him.
I might already be there. "Those three words" have been on the tip of my tongue for the last week and a half. Why can't I get them out?
I don't know... maybe I want it to be the right time. Maybe I don't want to rush it. Maybe I want to make sure it's real. Or maybe I'm just making excuses for myself because once again, I'm habitually guarded. Maybe I'm afraid to fuck this up somehow.
But with each day that goes by, I come closer to the realization that I can't fuck this up. I think it might actually be impossible! He has accepted and embraced everything I've put in front of him, including this blog. So I am trying to just let it be.
In spite of me and my old fucked up habits, I have this amazing person in my life who sees me for who I am and honestly wants to spend time with me. He sings and dances and laughs and makes the silliest voices and facial expressions that always make me giggle. And he's got me convinced that he's not going anywhere anytime soon.
So I guess I need a new motto.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Monday, December 8, 2008
Christmas Party #1
First, I must say that I'm having the best morning ever.
Seriously, people.
Best.
Morning.
Ever.
I love that boy.
Now for some updates...
Thursday 12/4
I had a horrible headache all day and ended up leaving work early to go home and lay down. The boy was so sweet. He came over and laid down next to me, put one arm around me, and softly stroked my head. It was very comforting.
The pills I took for my headache had caffeine in them so I didn't get to sleep. After the boy left, I made some food and laid on the couch. At about 6pm there was a knock on my door.
My dress had arrived via UPS, and not a moment too soon. Party is on Saturday, and I've waited until now to buy shoes, bra, and make-up -- cutting it just a little too close!
(Here's my dress...)
I still had a headache, but some things are more important than nursing one's pain. I immediately took the dress to the drugstore to pick out some complimentary make-up, then to Victoria's Secret to find a suitable bra. I took so much time trying on bras with the dress that I ran out of time to look at shoes.
Friday 12/5
Still had a headache. I got up early and called the chiropractor. Managed to get an appointment at 8:30am. After that, I took the dress to the dry cleaner to get steamed, since it came all wrinkly from being stuffed in a box during shipping. I did all that and still made it to work on time.
We had a slush fund lunch that day -- free food, courtesy of my department. I went out with my coworkers and ordered a sirloin steak and baked potato. It was so tasty good, and free. :)
I got peer pressured into ordering a beer with my lunch. ("Come on, everybody's doing it!") When it was time to go, my boss stalled because my beer wasn't empty yet. They wouldn't leave until I finished it! So I downed the last 1/3 of it all at once, and left the restaurant to pick up my dress.
My afternoon was shot. I came back from lunch drunk, still with a headache, which was worse now because I had beer when I should've been drinking water. I did next to nothing for the rest of the day and left work earlier than I should have. I went over to the boy's house, crawled into his bed, snuggled up and went to sleep early.
Saturday 12/6
The boy left at 4am to go to drill. He woke me to say goodbye, and when I opened my bleary eyes in the glaring light, I blinked in the realization that this was the first time I'd ever seen him in uniform. He kissed me and turned off the light, and I curled up and buried my face under the blanket, much colder without him.
At 8am, I dragged myself out of bed, scraped the frost off my windshield, drove home, showered, then met my friend at the mall. She had her boyfriend's six-year-old daughter in tow, a very cute and smart girl who looks just like her dad.
Our mission: Shoe Shopping.
They were slow and I was indecisive. My time was running out. Macy's was having a One Day Sale, and it was chaos. I spotted some simple yet amazing black 4-inch heels, but had trouble finding a salesperson who could get them in my size. Finally I tried them on, and they were sexy perfection.
Next I had a hair appointment. I got a haircut -- with bangs for the first time in several years, and the stylist gave me a curled and coiffed up-do that made me look like I was ready for senior prom. Um... anyone seen my tiara?
I got home just after 3pm. The boy was scheduled to pick me up at 4:30pm, so I had just over an hour to get ready.
When I looked in the mirror, I felt a little ridiculous. Granted, I was wearing jeans and a hoodie with my big pinned-up hair, but still... it just didn't look or feel like me.
Then I put on the dress.
One form-fitting cherry red dress, plus one pair of sexy black shoes, plus one now-amazing hair style. Oh yes. This is going to work out just fine.
I threw on some make-up, put on my new dangly earrings, switched purses, did the last minute checking and straightening of dress, bra and nylons, and then... waited.
The boy was late picking me up, he had been stuck in traffic. I felt so bad for him. The drive takes more than an hour even without traffic, and he had already been up there once for drill. He came all the way back to Salem just to get me, only to turn around and go right back again for the party.
When I opened the door to let him in, he just stared at me. And he kept staring at me during our entire drive to the party. He kept telling me how beautiful I looked. He made me blush repeatedly. He's so sweet.
We arrived almost an hour late, and we were worried that the boy might be in trouble. But nobody seemed to notice, and he didn't get yelled at the next day, so I guess it was all good.
I had been worried about being over dressed with my sexy dress and big hair, but thankfully I was not. Most of the women were wearing nice dresses and had their hair done up. Most of the guys, of course, were in uniform, which was really quite stunning. I had never been in a room with so many military dudes, and I've gotta say... uniforms are hot! The boy and I had a discussion about this. He hates his uniform. I keep trying to convince him that he looks amazing in it, but he doesn't agree. In my opinion, anyone who's in reasonably good shape to begin with will only look hotter in a uniform. It accentuates the male figure and brings out those broad shoulders that I love on a man. I think the boy looks awesome all dressed up. But I think he looks awesome anyway, so...? ^_~
The party had surprisingly good food and lots of beer. I met some of the guys the boy will be working with. They seem... I don't know... like typical army guys? Whatever that means. They're National Guard, so this was their one weekend a month of work. Most of them put their names in a raffle to get Sunday off, and most of them won. The boy wasn't allowed to enter his name because he's too new.
There were some table games, and I played a little blackjack, but it was lame -- the dealer had no clue what was going on. There was also Texas Hold'em (but you had to reserve a spot ahead of time), Bingo, karaoke (one dude sang Ice Ice Baby -- it was hilarious), and a giant wheel to spin for prizes. Mostly we just sat and talked and watched people, which was pretty interesting.
Overall, I think the army throws a decent party. It was much less awkward than either the boy or I thought it would be, although we definitely would've had more fun if we'd known more people. I had fun just being there with him. We took the back roads home, and he held my hand the whole way.
I changed out of my dress and took my hair down -- I pulled 45 bobby pins out of my head! My hair was so nasty from all the hair spray, but I was too lazy to wash it that night. I went to the boy's house with pajamas, nasty hair, and a face full of smudged make-up. He still loved me anyway. :)
Sunday 12/7
The boy woke up early again for another day of drill. He left at 6am. I slept in and had a leisurely morning. Woke up around 9:30, laid in bed for at least an hour, and finally got up, went home, and washed my stiff, over-styled hair. I did some laundry, went to a movie (Quantum of Solace -- not the greatest film, but Daniel Craig is still amazing), then came home and relaxed. The boy came to visit on his way home from work and I was so happy to see him.
We went out to dinner at one of my very favorite restaurants and had a really good conversation. He's a good listener, he puts real effort into learning about me. I learned some things about him too. It was really nice just to sit and talk. I enjoy his company so much.
He stayed with me Sunday night, and then Monday morning... well...
Best.
Morning.
Ever.
But I think we covered that already. :)
Christmas Party #2, hosted by my company, will happen this Friday. I'm taking the boy as my date. Should be a fun time.
Seriously, people.
Best.
Morning.
Ever.
I love that boy.
Now for some updates...
Thursday 12/4
I had a horrible headache all day and ended up leaving work early to go home and lay down. The boy was so sweet. He came over and laid down next to me, put one arm around me, and softly stroked my head. It was very comforting.
The pills I took for my headache had caffeine in them so I didn't get to sleep. After the boy left, I made some food and laid on the couch. At about 6pm there was a knock on my door.
My dress had arrived via UPS, and not a moment too soon. Party is on Saturday, and I've waited until now to buy shoes, bra, and make-up -- cutting it just a little too close!
(Here's my dress...)
 |  |
I still had a headache, but some things are more important than nursing one's pain. I immediately took the dress to the drugstore to pick out some complimentary make-up, then to Victoria's Secret to find a suitable bra. I took so much time trying on bras with the dress that I ran out of time to look at shoes.
Friday 12/5
Still had a headache. I got up early and called the chiropractor. Managed to get an appointment at 8:30am. After that, I took the dress to the dry cleaner to get steamed, since it came all wrinkly from being stuffed in a box during shipping. I did all that and still made it to work on time.
We had a slush fund lunch that day -- free food, courtesy of my department. I went out with my coworkers and ordered a sirloin steak and baked potato. It was so tasty good, and free. :)
I got peer pressured into ordering a beer with my lunch. ("Come on, everybody's doing it!") When it was time to go, my boss stalled because my beer wasn't empty yet. They wouldn't leave until I finished it! So I downed the last 1/3 of it all at once, and left the restaurant to pick up my dress.
My afternoon was shot. I came back from lunch drunk, still with a headache, which was worse now because I had beer when I should've been drinking water. I did next to nothing for the rest of the day and left work earlier than I should have. I went over to the boy's house, crawled into his bed, snuggled up and went to sleep early.
Saturday 12/6
The boy left at 4am to go to drill. He woke me to say goodbye, and when I opened my bleary eyes in the glaring light, I blinked in the realization that this was the first time I'd ever seen him in uniform. He kissed me and turned off the light, and I curled up and buried my face under the blanket, much colder without him.
At 8am, I dragged myself out of bed, scraped the frost off my windshield, drove home, showered, then met my friend at the mall. She had her boyfriend's six-year-old daughter in tow, a very cute and smart girl who looks just like her dad.
Our mission: Shoe Shopping.
They were slow and I was indecisive. My time was running out. Macy's was having a One Day Sale, and it was chaos. I spotted some simple yet amazing black 4-inch heels, but had trouble finding a salesperson who could get them in my size. Finally I tried them on, and they were sexy perfection.
Next I had a hair appointment. I got a haircut -- with bangs for the first time in several years, and the stylist gave me a curled and coiffed up-do that made me look like I was ready for senior prom. Um... anyone seen my tiara?
I got home just after 3pm. The boy was scheduled to pick me up at 4:30pm, so I had just over an hour to get ready.
When I looked in the mirror, I felt a little ridiculous. Granted, I was wearing jeans and a hoodie with my big pinned-up hair, but still... it just didn't look or feel like me.
Then I put on the dress.
One form-fitting cherry red dress, plus one pair of sexy black shoes, plus one now-amazing hair style. Oh yes. This is going to work out just fine.
I threw on some make-up, put on my new dangly earrings, switched purses, did the last minute checking and straightening of dress, bra and nylons, and then... waited.
The boy was late picking me up, he had been stuck in traffic. I felt so bad for him. The drive takes more than an hour even without traffic, and he had already been up there once for drill. He came all the way back to Salem just to get me, only to turn around and go right back again for the party.
When I opened the door to let him in, he just stared at me. And he kept staring at me during our entire drive to the party. He kept telling me how beautiful I looked. He made me blush repeatedly. He's so sweet.
We arrived almost an hour late, and we were worried that the boy might be in trouble. But nobody seemed to notice, and he didn't get yelled at the next day, so I guess it was all good.
I had been worried about being over dressed with my sexy dress and big hair, but thankfully I was not. Most of the women were wearing nice dresses and had their hair done up. Most of the guys, of course, were in uniform, which was really quite stunning. I had never been in a room with so many military dudes, and I've gotta say... uniforms are hot! The boy and I had a discussion about this. He hates his uniform. I keep trying to convince him that he looks amazing in it, but he doesn't agree. In my opinion, anyone who's in reasonably good shape to begin with will only look hotter in a uniform. It accentuates the male figure and brings out those broad shoulders that I love on a man. I think the boy looks awesome all dressed up. But I think he looks awesome anyway, so...? ^_~
The party had surprisingly good food and lots of beer. I met some of the guys the boy will be working with. They seem... I don't know... like typical army guys? Whatever that means. They're National Guard, so this was their one weekend a month of work. Most of them put their names in a raffle to get Sunday off, and most of them won. The boy wasn't allowed to enter his name because he's too new.
There were some table games, and I played a little blackjack, but it was lame -- the dealer had no clue what was going on. There was also Texas Hold'em (but you had to reserve a spot ahead of time), Bingo, karaoke (one dude sang Ice Ice Baby -- it was hilarious), and a giant wheel to spin for prizes. Mostly we just sat and talked and watched people, which was pretty interesting.
Overall, I think the army throws a decent party. It was much less awkward than either the boy or I thought it would be, although we definitely would've had more fun if we'd known more people. I had fun just being there with him. We took the back roads home, and he held my hand the whole way.
I changed out of my dress and took my hair down -- I pulled 45 bobby pins out of my head! My hair was so nasty from all the hair spray, but I was too lazy to wash it that night. I went to the boy's house with pajamas, nasty hair, and a face full of smudged make-up. He still loved me anyway. :)
Sunday 12/7
The boy woke up early again for another day of drill. He left at 6am. I slept in and had a leisurely morning. Woke up around 9:30, laid in bed for at least an hour, and finally got up, went home, and washed my stiff, over-styled hair. I did some laundry, went to a movie (Quantum of Solace -- not the greatest film, but Daniel Craig is still amazing), then came home and relaxed. The boy came to visit on his way home from work and I was so happy to see him.
We went out to dinner at one of my very favorite restaurants and had a really good conversation. He's a good listener, he puts real effort into learning about me. I learned some things about him too. It was really nice just to sit and talk. I enjoy his company so much.
He stayed with me Sunday night, and then Monday morning... well...
Best.
Morning.
Ever.
But I think we covered that already. :)
Christmas Party #2, hosted by my company, will happen this Friday. I'm taking the boy as my date. Should be a fun time.
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