In Spite Of Me

For a long time my motto has been "hope for the best, expect the worst." I go into situations with both optimism and caution.

This has the potential to go really well, and I want to do everything I can to make sure it does.... but I should still guard myself, just in case.

Where relationships are concerned, I'm usually involved with someone who is less optimistic than I am. I always manage to hook up with the guy who just got out of a serious relationship, or the guy who freaks out at the thought of any type of commitment. Someone who is cynical. Someone who refuses to look farther than two weeks down the road. Someone who would have reservations about any new relationship, whether it's with me or someone else.

I always see the signs, yet I still go into the relationship with the intention of looking for common ground. I'm willing to compromise to make it work, even to the point of making excuses for that person. I analyze the situation to death and I worry constantly about all the negatives, but even still, I hold on to the positives for dear life, recognizing red flags but ignoring them, thinking I can overcome them. It's a puzzle I need to solve. I persevere until the guy bails out or I'm too exhausted to continue, whichever comes first.

All the while, a part of myself remains tucked away and protected. I reach out with one hand while I keep the other hand hidden behind my back. For all my willingness to compromise, I still barricade myself in the corner to avoid getting hurt, and I'll even sabotage a potentially good situation just by closing myself off.

It often amazes me how I am able to extend myself so far in order to conquer a challenge while simultaneously pulling myself inward to remain safe and untouchable. It's a fine line, and it's a fucked up way of living, but I've come to rely on it.

Now, I've met someone who is not cynical, who is not afraid to look down the road, who is not freaked out at the thought of commitment. He thinks about me as much I as think about him. He wants to spend as much time with me as I want to spend with him. I keep looking for red flags, but there aren't any!

I keep thinking eventually I'm going to get exhausted, or there will be a compromise too big, or one of us will just get sick of hanging out and want to bail. But I can't get exhausted because the relationship gives me energy instead of taking it away. And there can't be a compromise too big because I haven't really had to make any compromises in the first place -- he and I are already in the same place, wanting the same things. And neither one of us has ever come close to being sick of hanging out -- we both look forward to seeing each other every day.

I'm not used to this, and in some ways I don't know how to deal with it. I can't operate by my usual methods. There's no need to overextend myself, and he won't let me hide. So I'm right here, out in the open, just being me. It freaks me out a little bit.

Do I have any good logical reason for being freaked out?

No, not really. He accepts me and cares for me just the way I am.

Nevertheless, it's hard not to fall back on old habits. I don't want to guard myself around him, he gives me no reason to, but it still happens from time to time, just out of routine.

I am trying. I am learning not to second guess this. And he's helping me quite a bit, just by being around, and being who he is.

He is not letting me go, and I don't want to let him go either. In fact, I'm pretty sure I could wake up next to him every morning for the rest of my life and be perfectly happy. Being with him is like being home. There is no one I would rather spend my time with.

I am falling in love with him.

I might already be there. "Those three words" have been on the tip of my tongue for the last week and a half. Why can't I get them out?

I don't know... maybe I want it to be the right time. Maybe I don't want to rush it. Maybe I want to make sure it's real. Or maybe I'm just making excuses for myself because once again, I'm habitually guarded. Maybe I'm afraid to fuck this up somehow.

But with each day that goes by, I come closer to the realization that I can't fuck this up. I think it might actually be impossible! He has accepted and embraced everything I've put in front of him, including this blog. So I am trying to just let it be.

In spite of me and my old fucked up habits, I have this amazing person in my life who sees me for who I am and honestly wants to spend time with me. He sings and dances and laughs and makes the silliest voices and facial expressions that always make me giggle. And he's got me convinced that he's not going anywhere anytime soon.

So I guess I need a new motto.