Summer Downpour

I broke down on Thursday.

Joe had flown out to Kuwait the night before, and I hadn't slept well because of it.

We had a 6 hour meeting at work. The meeting was productive overall, but I started getting a headache midway through. Towards the end, we had discussion about a potential new position, one I would be very interested in. For about 10 minutes, I felt excited about the possibility of this position becoming a reality. Then I was reminded that, at least for now, nothing will change.

I started to get depressed, and once again I had that old familiar internal dialog -- what am I doing here? What do I really want?

After the meeting was over, my head pounded, and I was in desperate need of some alone time. But our new departmental strategy is that everyone works together in a shared workspace.

I couldn't handle it.

I left and went outside for about 30 minutes. I watched the bees and butterflies dancing around the lavender bushes, and I cried.

When I came back, my help was solicited in building our new workstations. I didn't want anything to do with it, but I did it anyway. When things didn't immediately work the way they should, I lost my patience.

With a terrible headache and now the beginnings of a sore throat, I left the office to go home. In the car I started crying again.

Ordinarily when I had a bad day like this, I would call or text Joey, and he would give me the right combination of sympathy and ass kicking to get me through it. But he's gone now. I have no way to contact him, and even if I did, I don't want him worrying about me, especially not because of something as stupid as work. He's got more important things to focus on now.

I felt so alone and so frustrated. I cried for hours, even as I tried to pull myself up and take care of household chores. I just lost it. I finally went to bed early.

The next morning, my throat and sinuses were swollen. I could hardly swallow. I called in sick to work. I spent about an hour tooling around on the computer, and then I started to get sleepy. I ended up sleeping on the couch for most of the day.

Joey had tried to call, and I missed it because I was sleeping. I accidentally deleted his message, but tried to go back and save it before hanging up. But... damn the bad cell signal in my apartment... the call got dropped just before I pressed the button to save it. It was gone.

Thankfully he called again that night. He made it to Kuwait, and I got her hear all about it. But I didn't tell him about my Thursday. I just told him I was sick and I'd been sleeping all day. I don't want him to worry.

I spent the rest of the weekend thinking. How am I going to handle work on Monday? How am I going to handle it for the next 6 months during this group experiment of ours? Am I really committed to this? What if I'm not? Am I obligated to tell somebody about it? What if my attitude jeopardizes the success of the project?

I still don't know how I feel, or what I should do. I did come to the realization that having my own office, especially one with a window, has become one of the highlights of my job, and giving it up so I can sit in a group environment with people who constantly piss me off is a very serious challenge, one that will probably take months to adjust to. Besides all the other things that will be tough to deal with, the loss of my personal space is huge. I knew it would be hard, but I didn't realize how hard until I watched the group workspace come together during the last week.

I'll just have to take it one day at a time, like everything else. Tomorrow is a new day.

This afternoon it started raining, for the first time in weeks. It smells and sounds and feels so wonderful outside right now. It's amazing how a good rain can make me feel refreshed all over. I know I'm crazy, but sometimes I wish it would keep raining all summer. :)

Oh! This weekend is the anniversary of the weekend when Joey and I met each other.

Serendipity.

Gathering Focus

Trouble concentrating today, so I decided to write a bit to collect myself.

This may be one of the last times I get to do this at work... today we're setting up a community workspace in what used to be our meeting area. I will still have my own office, I just won't be in it for a majority of the day. Instead, I'll be sitting at a "pairing station" with another developer. All work will be done in pairs now. Shared workspace, shared responsibility.

I'm not sure how I feel about this change. I can see it being positive in the long run, but it's a huge shift for us culturally, and for me personally. When I work by myself, I like to close the door, turn up the music, and get in the zone while I write code. That won't be an option anymore.

I also won't be able to take phone calls from my husband any time I want to, nor can I get away with installing and using Skype at the office. I probably won't even be logged into instant messenger most of the time.

This is different for me. It will bring new challenges.

Joey is packing up his gear to go to Iraq. He leaves some time this week. I'm not supposed to know exactly what date/time (sensitive information), but I do... although it could still change.

Once Joe gets on the plane, he won't have cell phone service again until he comes home. We should be able to talk over Skype, but we don't know how long it will be before he'll have internet access available, or the free time to use it. It could be days or weeks. So when we say our last phone-goodbyes, we do so without knowing when we'll communicate next. That's scary to me.

I'm pretty freaked out about him going over there. Roadside bombs and suicide attacks are still a frequent reality. And with the U.S. withdrawing troops from population centers, the climate is changing. We've seen significantly less violence during the last year or two, compared to the start of the war, but that could change during the transition to the military hand-off.

My deepest prayer is that this will be the most boring and uneventful year of Joe's life. (Sorry baby, but it's only because I want you to come home safely.) I just imagine him sitting on his ass at a well-protected military base, only going out for missions that are brief and routine. Nothing threatening or out of the ordinary. I have this vision of him being hot and sweaty from the desert weather, counting down the days until this pointless job is over, then finally being released to come home.

I can't wait for that.

But right now, I'm trying (somewhat unsuccessfully) not to focus on it, especially while I'm at work. There's already so much chaos in the office, with the transformation of our workspace and processes. As if I need anything else to make my head spin!

Actually, spending most of my time with a coding partner might help me keep my mind off Joe being in Iraq. One of my problems right now is that my mind wanders away from the task at hand, and I start thinking about non-work related topics. With another person sitting next to me to keep me on task all day, that's less likely to happen. So maybe this shift in my work environment is a blessing in disguise.

I love my husband. July 4th was our 2 month anniversary. I can't wait to celebrate 1 year, 5 years, 25 years... 50 years? Maybe if I live that long. ;-)