Lots of emotion and tension during the past week. Some things stubbornly refuse to change, while others are changing drastically. The only comfort I find in this is the reminder that nothing is permanent. Even the frustrations that seem to be constant now... eventually they will fade away into new and different circumstances.
I finally got to see Joey's handsome face and bright smile on Skype today. We weren't able to talk very much at all this week, so it was a relief to finally see him, even through the blurred and distorted lens of his webcam. We talked for an hour before exchanging goofy air kisses and saying goodnight. His voice always melts my stress away and makes me feel whole again.
My stomach has given me trouble all week long. I eat and feel ill later on, or I feel too queasy to eat anything in the first place. This afternoon I ate a chocolate covered strawberry, which tasted amazing at the time, but didn't sit right in my tummy. Now I can't decide whether to eat dinner or not. I know I need to, but I really don't feel like it. Maybe just a nice cup of chamomile...
I'm going to put my pajamas on, curl up with a cat, and watch a few episodes of True Blood. A friend lent me the first season, and has been prodding me to hurry up and finish it so we can talk about it. So far it's pretty good, but I'm tired of watching the idiot brother get high and have sex with random women. I do like the vampire's southern gentleman style.
My cup of tea awaits...
Friday, September 11, 2009
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Duck and Cover
Third post in one day. I'm just a writin' fool.
I've been unmanageably tense all day long. I'm home now, done with work, and I'm still a ball of frustration. My back hurts, my stomach is groaning, my head is pounding, and I'm freakin' tired.
It's only Tuesday.
I miss my husband more than ever, and of course it happens at a time when his internet connection is down and we can't talk.
I really wanted a partner I could share my life with, who would be there when I needed support and encouragement. I got my wish - I married someone who is strong and caring, who is always willing to listen. Except he can't be available for me when I need him.
It's not his fault. These are circumstances beyond his control. I just... really miss him. I wish I could have one of his hugs right now.
This has been a really rough couple of months for me. Several piles of shit all hit the fan at the same time. Big changes at work, not getting the new job I wanted, Joey being gone.
Now that I'm thinking about the prospect of job searching, I realized that I've never been this alone and isolated while looking for a job before. I've always had a boyfriend or close friends who gave moral support and even helped me review my resume. I know Joey would do that for me if he was here, and I'd certainly do it for him if he needed me to.
I'm worried because the job market really sucks right now, and it could take many months to find a new job that I'm excited about. That's the key word - excited - because it would be pointless to leave one crappy job for another crappy job.
I'm worried that I'll have to look for jobs outside of Salem. The market is better in Portland, and tons better in Seattle. But I'm not prepared to move, not while Joey's gone. This isn't just my decision anymore, it's his too. It's both our lives now, not just mine alone. Especially if we plan to have children when he comes home.
The stupid thing is, I'm not even sure what I want to do. I kinda want to keep writing software, but I also feel like doing something completely different. But I can't really afford to do anything different. Software is where my most recent experience is, and if I want to keep paying the bills, that's where my best paycheck will come from.
I guess I just feel backed into a corner right now. I'm out of options at my current job. There aren't a ton of options for new jobs, and even those are limited by my experience (which doesn't look great on paper), my location (which is not a hot bed for technology jobs), and the fact that I need to plan ahead now for my husband and my family.
I wish I had the financial freedom to work part-time for a while, or go back to school, or even do something crazy like travel for a few months.
I feel trapped by my own life. I hate my job, I miss my husband, and it will be months, if not the better part of a year before either situation is remedied. All I can do is hunker down and prepare to weather the storm.
This too shall pass.
Eventually.
I've been unmanageably tense all day long. I'm home now, done with work, and I'm still a ball of frustration. My back hurts, my stomach is groaning, my head is pounding, and I'm freakin' tired.
It's only Tuesday.
I miss my husband more than ever, and of course it happens at a time when his internet connection is down and we can't talk.
I really wanted a partner I could share my life with, who would be there when I needed support and encouragement. I got my wish - I married someone who is strong and caring, who is always willing to listen. Except he can't be available for me when I need him.
It's not his fault. These are circumstances beyond his control. I just... really miss him. I wish I could have one of his hugs right now.
This has been a really rough couple of months for me. Several piles of shit all hit the fan at the same time. Big changes at work, not getting the new job I wanted, Joey being gone.
Now that I'm thinking about the prospect of job searching, I realized that I've never been this alone and isolated while looking for a job before. I've always had a boyfriend or close friends who gave moral support and even helped me review my resume. I know Joey would do that for me if he was here, and I'd certainly do it for him if he needed me to.
I'm worried because the job market really sucks right now, and it could take many months to find a new job that I'm excited about. That's the key word - excited - because it would be pointless to leave one crappy job for another crappy job.
I'm worried that I'll have to look for jobs outside of Salem. The market is better in Portland, and tons better in Seattle. But I'm not prepared to move, not while Joey's gone. This isn't just my decision anymore, it's his too. It's both our lives now, not just mine alone. Especially if we plan to have children when he comes home.
The stupid thing is, I'm not even sure what I want to do. I kinda want to keep writing software, but I also feel like doing something completely different. But I can't really afford to do anything different. Software is where my most recent experience is, and if I want to keep paying the bills, that's where my best paycheck will come from.
I guess I just feel backed into a corner right now. I'm out of options at my current job. There aren't a ton of options for new jobs, and even those are limited by my experience (which doesn't look great on paper), my location (which is not a hot bed for technology jobs), and the fact that I need to plan ahead now for my husband and my family.
I wish I had the financial freedom to work part-time for a while, or go back to school, or even do something crazy like travel for a few months.
I feel trapped by my own life. I hate my job, I miss my husband, and it will be months, if not the better part of a year before either situation is remedied. All I can do is hunker down and prepare to weather the storm.
This too shall pass.
Eventually.
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