Duck and Cover

Third post in one day. I'm just a writin' fool.

I've been unmanageably tense all day long. I'm home now, done with work, and I'm still a ball of frustration. My back hurts, my stomach is groaning, my head is pounding, and I'm freakin' tired.

It's only Tuesday.

I miss my husband more than ever, and of course it happens at a time when his internet connection is down and we can't talk.

I really wanted a partner I could share my life with, who would be there when I needed support and encouragement. I got my wish - I married someone who is strong and caring, who is always willing to listen. Except he can't be available for me when I need him.

It's not his fault. These are circumstances beyond his control. I just... really miss him. I wish I could have one of his hugs right now.

This has been a really rough couple of months for me. Several piles of shit all hit the fan at the same time. Big changes at work, not getting the new job I wanted, Joey being gone.

Now that I'm thinking about the prospect of job searching, I realized that I've never been this alone and isolated while looking for a job before. I've always had a boyfriend or close friends who gave moral support and even helped me review my resume. I know Joey would do that for me if he was here, and I'd certainly do it for him if he needed me to.

I'm worried because the job market really sucks right now, and it could take many months to find a new job that I'm excited about. That's the key word - excited - because it would be pointless to leave one crappy job for another crappy job.

I'm worried that I'll have to look for jobs outside of Salem. The market is better in Portland, and tons better in Seattle. But I'm not prepared to move, not while Joey's gone. This isn't just my decision anymore, it's his too. It's both our lives now, not just mine alone. Especially if we plan to have children when he comes home.

The stupid thing is, I'm not even sure what I want to do. I kinda want to keep writing software, but I also feel like doing something completely different. But I can't really afford to do anything different. Software is where my most recent experience is, and if I want to keep paying the bills, that's where my best paycheck will come from.

I guess I just feel backed into a corner right now. I'm out of options at my current job. There aren't a ton of options for new jobs, and even those are limited by my experience (which doesn't look great on paper), my location (which is not a hot bed for technology jobs), and the fact that I need to plan ahead now for my husband and my family.

I wish I had the financial freedom to work part-time for a while, or go back to school, or even do something crazy like travel for a few months.

I feel trapped by my own life. I hate my job, I miss my husband, and it will be months, if not the better part of a year before either situation is remedied. All I can do is hunker down and prepare to weather the storm.

This too shall pass.

Eventually.