Reflect

I feel bad for being so negative earlier. It's true, my job is a major source of stress and anger, but I don't like being angry. So even though I hate the situation right now, I want to take time to recognize and appreciate the blessings my job has brought me over the years.

One nice thing I can say about my job is that I love the friends I've made while working there. I've gotten some really nice christmas cards from several people, and had some good holiday related talks with others.

I've always been down on christmas cards, partly because I don't celebrate christmas, but mostly because a pre-printed card with your name signed in it doesn't seem very personal or meaningful. It's just a token, and in my opinion, a waste of paper.

But this year more than ever before, I've gotten some cards with really thoughtful personal notes inside, pictures of families, which I love, and in one particular case, a mason jar full of homemade alcohol. Good stuff. It reminds me that I have some great friends, people who care about me, who went out of their way to turn an ordinary token into something more, something I never appreciated until now, but will forever remember and cherish.

I would not have met those people if it weren't for my job.

I can't forget that. For all the frustration I feel at work, there is always someone with a smile to remind me that I'm not alone, and that I'm in good company.

Maybe that's the real essence of christmas that I've always been missing. Maybe I should give this holiday another chance...

Vent

I'm writing at work. I haven't done this in a while because I can't usually get away with it. But today I'm daring because I really need to vent.

I *HATE* my job.

Yes, I emphasized the word "hate". I feel that strongly.

It's not the work itself. I still love writing software, although not so much that I'm jumping at the chance to learn new languages and technologies. I just enjoy problem solving.

What I can't stand is the way we go about writing software now, and the environment in which we do it. I'm entirely at the end of my rope.

Every day that I come here, I'm unhappy. I'm either sad and on the verge of tears, or I'm anxious and I can't think straight, or I'm angry and I want to punch someone. The only times I'm ever happy are when everyone else has left for the day and I get to sit in a room by myself like the old days.

I'm applying for other jobs, but it's not happening fast enough. There aren't many jobs available. And truthfully, I don't want to leave my company altogether, I just don't want to be part of this department... at least not the current incarnation of it.

Anyway... I have to get back to work before someone catches me venting.

My soul is being sucked away, one day at a time.