Reluctant Return To Routine

I'm so torn. It feels really good to be writing here again, but the fact that I'm writing here means that I'm neglecting my mood chart and journal, which I really should maintain. I can't seem to do both. I pour myself out into one of them, and there's nothing left for the other. Perhaps I need to morph this blog into my journal somehow.

Anyway... I pulled myself together (mostly) and I'm doing alright.

It still surprises me how much I miss Joey already. When he came home, I couldn't stop looking at him or touching him. I always wanted my hand on his shoulder or knee or in his hand. I wanted to nuzzled my forehead against his and make cyclops eyes at each other. I wanted to put my arms around him constantly.

Of course I knew I'd missed him while he was gone, but I didn't realize exactly how much until he was actually here. I guess I'd gotten so used to the routine of work, Skype, and Warcraft that I learned to zone out and ignore the empty hole.

Having him home was so good. I was elated the entire time. My usually stiff and knotted shoulders completely relaxed. I didn't have headaches. I didn't feel depressed. I had a few anxiety moments in anticipation of big gatherings with lots of people, but for the most part, I did really well at those gatherings. I was just happy and relaxed for days.

Now that I realize how much I missed him and how much I enjoyed having him home, I miss him that much more since he's gone again. I've had a headache every day since he left, and - it never fails - I think I'm getting sick. I have that minor swollen sore throat and achy head congestion that signals the onset of a cold. Seriously... I can't believe how hard it hits me, every freakin' time.

We talked on Skype today for the first time since he got back to Al Asad. I now remember how much I hate Skype. Fuzzy picture, choppy sound, and worst of all... no hugs.

But I'm grateful for the time we spent together. It was easily the best vacation I can remember. And he'll be home again soon.

Joey keeps mentioning pregnancy and it's getting me really antsy. I don't know if I'm pregnant or not, and I'm not sure how to tell until I miss a period. I don't want to get my hopes up and then be disappointed when I have to use one of the low quality jumbo tampons at work. :(

I am waiting somewhat impatiently for news on the house. We made an offer on a house we both love, but it's a short sale, which means it could take a while for the deal to close, if it closes at all. I've been looking at online listings for other houses, but I haven't seen any I like as much as this one. I'm trying to have a back-up plan, but it's not working out that way. Much like the pregnancy, I don't want to get my hopes up and then be disappointed when the house deal falls through.

There's so much to wait for right now. Husband. House. Pregnancy. The only thing I don't have to wait for happens to be the one thing I would gladly wait forever for... Work. The source of much of my anxiety and stress. Perhaps it's time to place my blind faith and a throw-away dollar in the lottery again. Who knows?

Well it's time for me to take a horse-pill-sized vitamin C and go to bed. It's back to the routine tomorrow.

Loss

I can't believe how much I crash whenever Joe leaves home. It happens every time yet it always catches me off guard. You'd think I'd be used to this by now. I've been in a funk all day, and I kinda just want to go back to hiding and sleeping all the time like I used to. That's my comfort zone.

I get this feeling sometimes like I imagined everything. When Joey's gone, our life together seems so far away that it's almost not real, even though I just woke up next to him this morning. It feels like that was a different day. My world stops when he leaves, like I skipped off the track and got stalled in some tangent reality.

I never thought another person could give meaning and purpose to my life. Everything makes sense when Joey's home. I know what I want, I know what I'm doing, and I know I can make it because he's right there beside me. His absence leaves such a gaping hole that I feel disoriented and confused.

What the heck am I doing today? Why am I doing it? Is there a point to all this?

I'm not really sure. It's all muddled, I can't think clearly.

But I know this will pass, we've only a month and a half to go. I have to pull myself together and get on with it. He'll be back home soon and I'll wake up next to him again, just as sure of myself as I was yesterday. My world will keep turning and everything in it will be right.

I just have to hold on.