Only In Dreams

My Dear Friend,

I had a dream about you last night. Actually, I've had a few of them now. It always happens when you disappear for extended lengths of time, as you have done once again. Apparently you lodged yourself deeper into my subconscious than I realized.

Would you like to know what happens in my dreams? I will tell you.
.....

Dream #1:
You and I arrange to meet up somewhere so we can hang out. I get there, but you have not arrived yet. I wait. You never show up. Just when I'm about give up on you and leave, your friend shows up with a look on his face like a sad puppy who's in trouble for doing something wrong. Except he didn't do anything wrong. He tells me that at the last minute, you decided for whatever reason that you couldn't meet up with me, and you didn't bother to let me know. You were just going to leave me hanging. Your friend apologizes profusely for this. It clearly bothers him personally, even though he's never met me before today. I don't know whether he's upset because of how you've treated me, or because of how you're acting in general. Maybe both. Your friend offers to get a cup of coffee with me, and we end up talking for hours. He's a really sweet guy with a great personality and a big heart. Someone eventually comes to pick him up, and you are in the vehicle with the driver, but you won't even step out to say hello. Your friend apologizes again, I thank him for talking, and then you're both gone.

Dream #2
I'm hanging out with you and a group of people, except I can never see your face. I can see everyone else's face, including the same friend from the last dream. Every time he looks at me, I get the feeling he wants to tell me something is wrong. Everyone seems to choose their words carefully around you, and I don't quite understand why. It's as if there was some recent confrontation that nobody will tell me about. Your body language is simultaneously tense and relaxed. How do you do that? You always look away from me. Even when you look directly at me, I still can't see you. Eventually you disappear, and I wonder where you went. Nobody knows, or else they won't say anything. Your other friend, who I've spoken with a few times, acts like nothing is wrong. He's either oblivious or intentionally ignorant. It's a stark contrast in behavior compared to the first friend I mentioned, who is obviously frustrated.

Dream #3 (from last night)
I'm with you at a show. We're standing in the middle of a big group of people - maybe the pit, maybe the beer garden - I don't remember for sure. People everywhere. I still can't see your face. You discover that someone close to you has betrayed you. Understandably, you get very upset. I try to console you, but you don't want to be consoled. Your anger grows and becomes disproportionate to the offense, and I get the sense that you're using this event as an excuse to unleash your fury without being questioned. How could anyone question you, SHE was the one who did the damage, not you. Or so you say. I wonder to myself if you also may have done some damage that you're not telling me about. You go off to be alone for a while, and you say you'll find me later. But I never see you again. Your friend (same one from before) hangs out with me for a little while, but he has other things to do, so he leaves too. Later I'm looking for you, but I get swept up in a crowd of people all moving in the same direction, and I can't get out. I'm forced to go with the flow until there's an outlet. Along the way I pass by several people I recognize and I ask them where you are, but nobody knows. Or they won't say. Eventually someone tells me your friend is trying to find me, but that he keeps getting tied up with business and hasn't been able to get out to meet me. I finally find my way out of the crowd, and I sit down on a grassy hill and just wait and wonder. I never see you or your friend again.

.....

Are we sensing any themes here?

You know... I told you in my previous blog that when you first started talking to me, I thought you just needed someone who was unknown to talk to. I also told you that maybe I needed the same thing. I am now coming to realize that I needed it more than I thought I did, and I even started to rely on it. I started to rely on you. I looked forward to seeing you online every night, even though most of the time you wanted to talk about your own problems and didn't really want to hear about mine. ...wait, that's not fair for me to say... sometimes you do want to hear about my life. It just seems to depend on your mood, which changes frequently and drastically. The point is that when you disappear, you are missed. And I get frustrated with you for being gone.

I guess it was wrong for me to develop an attachment to our conversations and our friendship. I don't even really know you. For a time, I thought I did. I definitely know certain things about you, but I'm pretty sure you only shared exactly what you wanted me to know and not one bit more. I guess you could say the same thing about me. Afterall, we're just a pair of strangers who met on the internet. You can't be too safe these days.

Anyway, you're gone again, and I think this time I'm going to stop looking for your return. I know that you'll find me if and when you need me, when you have the time and motivation. Until then, I must concentrate my efforts on the people who actually care to be present in my life. I've found that there are many - even when I feel alone, there is always somone close who is willing to talk or listen. I hope one day you will realize the same thing. None of us are ever truly alone unless we choose to be. Right now, I'm choosing not to be.

Only in dreams
We see what it means.
Reach out our hands.
Hold onto hers.
But when we wake
It's all been erased.
And so it seems
Only in dreams.

P.S. I'm awake now.

Still Here... Sometimes

I've strayed away from the blogs lately. I just don't have the energy. Every few days or so, I realize that I've missed reading and talking to all the lovely people here, and I start browsing the blogs again. But I'm always such a late arrival in the conversations that I don't often comment anymore.

I can't even begin to explain how much I hate my job right now, how much it sucks away my soul and my spark on a daily basis. Last week was the most horrible week of my entire working life and I still haven't recovered from it. Just thinking about it right now makes me want to run and hide. So that's what I do when I come home every night. I hide. I don't leave my house, I don't talk to people, I don't text, chat, or blog... I just hide. I don't have enough motivation for anything else.

Did I mention that I turned 30 this week? In the middle of all the nonsense at work, I had a milestone birthday. I even celebrated it at happy hour with some friends. But it feels like I missed it, like it didn't really happen.

I guess I'm depressed. I keep trying to avoid that topic, but I probably should address it.

I have dealt with depression for most of my life. I have been on a variety of medications for it, and I hate them all. Fortunately, I haven't taken anything in about 2 years now. I haven't needed it. But these last few months have been especially trying, and I can feel myself starting to slip again. One day soon I won't be able to get out of bed. I'll call in sick, and I'll sleep for 14 hours straight. Then I'll be a zombie because my sleep schedule is all fucked up. I'll stop caring, and I'll give up on trying to hold it together.

I don't want that to happen. Maybe this time because I see it coming I can steer myself in the right direction before it gets to that point. Is it possible?

Perhaps I will visit the blogs more often like I used to. Sometimes reading what everyone else has to say makes me realize that I'm being silly for hiding. We all have the same problems, and to some extent I've found comfort here, talking to genuine people who actually care even though we've never met in real life. Seems odd, doesn't it? The internet is both empty and full.

Thanks to everyone who is open and honest in their blogs. You've given me some inspiration tonight. Even you, Mayo. Who woulda thought?

P.S. I walk among the famous living dead.