I've strayed away from the blogs lately. I just don't have the energy. Every few days or so, I realize that I've missed reading and talking to all the lovely people here, and I start browsing the blogs again. But I'm always such a late arrival in the conversations that I don't often comment anymore.
I can't even begin to explain how much I hate my job right now, how much it sucks away my soul and my spark on a daily basis. Last week was the most horrible week of my entire working life and I still haven't recovered from it. Just thinking about it right now makes me want to run and hide. So that's what I do when I come home every night. I hide. I don't leave my house, I don't talk to people, I don't text, chat, or blog... I just hide. I don't have enough motivation for anything else.
Did I mention that I turned 30 this week? In the middle of all the nonsense at work, I had a milestone birthday. I even celebrated it at happy hour with some friends. But it feels like I missed it, like it didn't really happen.
I guess I'm depressed. I keep trying to avoid that topic, but I probably should address it.
I have dealt with depression for most of my life. I have been on a variety of medications for it, and I hate them all. Fortunately, I haven't taken anything in about 2 years now. I haven't needed it. But these last few months have been especially trying, and I can feel myself starting to slip again. One day soon I won't be able to get out of bed. I'll call in sick, and I'll sleep for 14 hours straight. Then I'll be a zombie because my sleep schedule is all fucked up. I'll stop caring, and I'll give up on trying to hold it together.
I don't want that to happen. Maybe this time because I see it coming I can steer myself in the right direction before it gets to that point. Is it possible?
Perhaps I will visit the blogs more often like I used to. Sometimes reading what everyone else has to say makes me realize that I'm being silly for hiding. We all have the same problems, and to some extent I've found comfort here, talking to genuine people who actually care even though we've never met in real life. Seems odd, doesn't it? The internet is both empty and full.
Thanks to everyone who is open and honest in their blogs. You've given me some inspiration tonight. Even you, Mayo. Who woulda thought?
P.S. I walk among the famous living dead.
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2 comments:
Happy belated B-day, Andrea! *hugz*
I was offline all day Saturday, and I loved it. Breaks are good for the soul.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm 36. And I STILL don't know what I really want; it changes every year. It's the expectations that drive us all to the dark side: when you're a kid or a teenager, you have all these ideas how your life will be when you're 20, or 25, or 30. Then when you get to that age, you beat yourself up because nothing is like you'd always dreamed it would be.
You know what, though? Life throws curve balls at all of us. Seldom does *anything* turn out the way we thought it would. So throw away the age rulebook -- concentrate on what makes you happy, and what *will* make you happy. Then when you're a great-grandmother with all the childrens around, you can tell them about the wonderful life you've had. *hugz again*
If you need to talk, I'm there for you. I hate seeing you so down on yourself. :(
Aww, thanks Sister Midnite. Your comment made me feel better - very wise words. These are all things I know to be true, I just lose sight of them sometimes. You know how it is.
Good to hear from you as always!
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