Black Holes and Revelations

So here we are again, another round of "what am I doing with my life?" This line of thinking inevitably leads down the path to "who am I?", "how do I define myself?", and the most dreaded of all, "what do I really want?"

If these questions keep coming back over and over again, it's because I keep tucking them away instead of facing them. Why am I so afraid to look myself in the eye? It always takes some external force to persuade me to examine myself. Or in this case, many external forces over the course of the last year, all culminating in recent unexpected events that in one way or another have turned my world upside down.

Repeated changes in my work environment.
My fucked up family.
The coworker on the verge of making a transition.
Watching my best friend treat me differently.
Various people getting engaged, getting married, having babies.
The lonely friend who comes in and out of my life.
My brother finding himself.
Learning that someone is in love with me, twice in one year.
Meeting someone amazing but saying goodbye much too soon and missing him terribly afterwards.
Conversations with other people who are stuck like me, some of whom are choosing to break out right now.

All of these things have affected me significantly, made me think, made me feel, made me wonder what is possible.

Here's what I know:

1.) I want a companion. I know this sounds like a pretty basic need for most people, but for me it's a huge realization. I spent years not feeling much of anything for anybody, for a whole boatload of reasons that I won't go into here. I honestly wasn't sure if I ever wanted to fall in love or be in a relationship ever again, and I was pretty damn sure I never wanted to get married. But now I know that I actually do feel lonely, I am capable of accepting someone's love, and I want to share my life with the right person.

2.) I want to sing. I have always, always been afraid to sing in front of other people. I have no problem regurgitating some random karaoke pop song (especially after a few beers), but to really truly sing with style and passion, and to let other people see what music does to me... that is very difficult. Especially for someone with a history of bottling up her feelings and not trusting anyone. It requires a level of honesty and exposure that I've been too terrified to reach for. Sure, I do it every day by myself in the car and around the house, but I still panic and can't breathe when someone puts me on the spot. I want to change that. There's gonna have to be a lot more karaoke and Rock Band to help me work up to it!

3.) I want to fix my broken body. I've already started doing this, I just have to maintain enough motivation to keep it up, and maybe even increase it. Our circuit training class at work has totally changed the way I feel. My gluten free diet, as much of a pain in the ass as it is to find food to eat, has totally improved my digestive function. Between the two, I haven't had nearly as many headaches or as much back pain. The last time I saw my chiropractor, he was stunned that I've remained so un-broken during the last 4 weeks. When I feel better, it makes me want to look better too. I want to wear clothes that fit. I want my complexion to be clear. I'm even thinking about getting my eyes sliced so I can stop wearing glasses.

4.) I need help and support from other people. Yeah, I know, another basic need for most people, but not so much for me. I was a loner to begin with, and getting hurt by people I've trusted has only made it worse. I really locked myself away for a few years, and I was convinced that it was the best thing for me. And at the time, it was -- I needed to be alone for a while. I'm glad I took that time to myself, but my friends, that time has passed. I understand now that I can't do any of this alone. As difficult as it is for me, I have to open up and let people in, or I simply won't make it. I don't think any of these realizations would've happened for me had it not been for the care and insight of other people. I only hope I've inspired others as much as they've inspired me.

Whew! That's a lot to chew on.

I still haven't answered the question of what I want to do with my life, but maybe that's not the right question to be asking. Maybe what I'm doing isn't as important as how I'm doing it. If I can get closer to the four things I listed above, I think I might actually be happy to get out of bed every day to face myself and the world.

Birth Control Survey

First, so you don't have to read all my blather if you don't want to, a survey.

If you've taken birth control pills (currently or in the past), and you're not bashful about sharing, please answer the following:

1.) What type/brand(s) of birth control pill have you taken?
2.) What did you like about it (positive benefits)?
3.) What did you dislike about it (negative side effects)?
4.) If you had negative side effects, were they so bad that you had to stop taking the pill?
5.) What other types of birth control have you used (condom, diaphragm, IUD, shot, patch, etc.), and why did you choose this instead of (or in addition to) the pill? In your opinion, was it better or worse than the pill?





Second, the explanation for why I'm seeking this information (a.k.a. the aforementioned blather).

Having... um... "relations" with the boy has renewed an old dreaded issue that I've been avoiding for a couple years now:

Birth control.

Why a couple years?

Because that's how long it's been since the last time I was with someone. Seriously, I'm just like Matilda in Zoolander.

Derek Zoolander: You mean, you haven't...
Matilda: Done it in a while, yeah.
Hansel: What's a while? Like eight days?

Well....... now that I've given in to the power of the tea, I realize that life would be a lot more safe and convenient if I was on the pill, not just now, but in the future. I mean, say this thing with the boy doesn't work out -- I'll probably still go on to find someone else, and when I do, I'm going to have the exact same issue. So I should just deal with it now.

The problem is, the last time I was on the pill, it made me very depressed, to the point where I was having panic attacks, and every little negative thing that happened was an emergent emotional catastrophe. I was tired all day, I had racing thoughts, I couldn't concentrate at work, etc., etc. That kind of depression basically makes me non-functional in every day life, and I just can't have that. I need to be able to get up every morning and be "normal" so I can go to my job, get my work done, socialize with people, and otherwise have "a life".

If I look back on my history of depressive episodes over the course of my life, I can link each one to a period of time when I was taking birth control pills. Each time (with the exception of the most recent "experiment"), I ended up taking anti-depressants, which made me feel horrible and not like myself. Eventually I'd get fed up with being on so many medications, and I would decide to stop taking them all, including the birth control. Just no more pills, period. Miraculously, my depression would get better.

My most recent attempt at taking birth control pills, the one I refer to as an "experiment," was exactly that. I wasn't seeing anyone at the time, and I hadn't experienced any depression for the last couple years prior. I took the pill just to see what would happen, to test my theory about the link with depression. Sure enough, the link was proven, and it was horrible. I continued taking the pill for 3 months, hoping the symptoms might fade after the first few weeks when my body adjusted to the change, but it just kept getting worse. At the end of the 3rd month, I stopped taking them, and my depression disappeared within a couple weeks.

So obviously going back on the pill is a significant issue for me. I think I should do it, because I don't want to get pregnant, and I like some of the side benefits of the pill -- a lighter period with fewer cramps, plus it clears up my complexion better than any topical medication. But the depression... I'm so afraid of it.

I hope gathering information from other bloggers might help me do some thinking, and I hope it might help others too. This is a subject we could all stand to learn more about. And of course, I will talk to my doctor about options. I just want to be armed with as much information as possible before I go to the doctor so I don't get talked into anything I don't really want.