Black Holes and Revelations

So here we are again, another round of "what am I doing with my life?" This line of thinking inevitably leads down the path to "who am I?", "how do I define myself?", and the most dreaded of all, "what do I really want?"

If these questions keep coming back over and over again, it's because I keep tucking them away instead of facing them. Why am I so afraid to look myself in the eye? It always takes some external force to persuade me to examine myself. Or in this case, many external forces over the course of the last year, all culminating in recent unexpected events that in one way or another have turned my world upside down.

Repeated changes in my work environment.
My fucked up family.
The coworker on the verge of making a transition.
Watching my best friend treat me differently.
Various people getting engaged, getting married, having babies.
The lonely friend who comes in and out of my life.
My brother finding himself.
Learning that someone is in love with me, twice in one year.
Meeting someone amazing but saying goodbye much too soon and missing him terribly afterwards.
Conversations with other people who are stuck like me, some of whom are choosing to break out right now.

All of these things have affected me significantly, made me think, made me feel, made me wonder what is possible.

Here's what I know:

1.) I want a companion. I know this sounds like a pretty basic need for most people, but for me it's a huge realization. I spent years not feeling much of anything for anybody, for a whole boatload of reasons that I won't go into here. I honestly wasn't sure if I ever wanted to fall in love or be in a relationship ever again, and I was pretty damn sure I never wanted to get married. But now I know that I actually do feel lonely, I am capable of accepting someone's love, and I want to share my life with the right person.

2.) I want to sing. I have always, always been afraid to sing in front of other people. I have no problem regurgitating some random karaoke pop song (especially after a few beers), but to really truly sing with style and passion, and to let other people see what music does to me... that is very difficult. Especially for someone with a history of bottling up her feelings and not trusting anyone. It requires a level of honesty and exposure that I've been too terrified to reach for. Sure, I do it every day by myself in the car and around the house, but I still panic and can't breathe when someone puts me on the spot. I want to change that. There's gonna have to be a lot more karaoke and Rock Band to help me work up to it!

3.) I want to fix my broken body. I've already started doing this, I just have to maintain enough motivation to keep it up, and maybe even increase it. Our circuit training class at work has totally changed the way I feel. My gluten free diet, as much of a pain in the ass as it is to find food to eat, has totally improved my digestive function. Between the two, I haven't had nearly as many headaches or as much back pain. The last time I saw my chiropractor, he was stunned that I've remained so un-broken during the last 4 weeks. When I feel better, it makes me want to look better too. I want to wear clothes that fit. I want my complexion to be clear. I'm even thinking about getting my eyes sliced so I can stop wearing glasses.

4.) I need help and support from other people. Yeah, I know, another basic need for most people, but not so much for me. I was a loner to begin with, and getting hurt by people I've trusted has only made it worse. I really locked myself away for a few years, and I was convinced that it was the best thing for me. And at the time, it was -- I needed to be alone for a while. I'm glad I took that time to myself, but my friends, that time has passed. I understand now that I can't do any of this alone. As difficult as it is for me, I have to open up and let people in, or I simply won't make it. I don't think any of these realizations would've happened for me had it not been for the care and insight of other people. I only hope I've inspired others as much as they've inspired me.

Whew! That's a lot to chew on.

I still haven't answered the question of what I want to do with my life, but maybe that's not the right question to be asking. Maybe what I'm doing isn't as important as how I'm doing it. If I can get closer to the four things I listed above, I think I might actually be happy to get out of bed every day to face myself and the world.