Deja Vu Dreams

I frequently get that crazy sense of deja vu, where it feels like whatever I'm experiencing at the moment has already happened before. Oftentimes, I can pinpoint it to a dream I had, or a daytime vision like a daydream. I might even go so far as to call it a premonition, although I don't consider myself to be psychic. I'm not even sure if I really believe in psychic ability. I just think some people are more sensitive, perceptive, intuitive, or empathetic than others. For example, I can feel what other people are feeling if the emotion is strong. It's not ESP or telepathy, it's just empathy. With my dreams and visions, I see things. Sometimes they later play out in real life.

The trouble is, the things I see are subjective. They're open to interpretation, especially if they're lacking detail, and occasionally I have the same vision again but details have changed. So I can never say with certainty that any dream I've had will come true. I only know it when it happens.

I also tend to mix them up with my own fears and anxiety. Did I have a genuine dream or vision about that, or did my own emotions cause me to analyze it to the point where I can actually see it happening? Because of this, I trust my nighttime dreams more than my daytime visions, because at least I know my conscious mind doesn't get in the way when I'm sleeping.

I have a recurring trust issue with myself. My intuition can be very strong, and I can know with all my being that something should or shouldn't be the way it is, but just because I see it or feel it, that doesn't mean it's really going to happen. Although I've found that when my intuition is the strongest, things generally do go the way I've seen them, even if I didn't trust myself until I actually saw it happen.

One example -- when Joe went to boot camp, back in July 2008, I had visions of seeing him when he came home, spending all my time with him, falling in love with him, and even marrying him before he left for deployment. But I completely failed to trust my intuition. In fact, I did an amazing job of rationalizing myself completely out of it. I mean, how was I supposed to know that it was accurate and not just something I really, really wanted?

At that point, having only known Joe for a couple days, I wasn't even sure if that's what I really wanted anyway. And given my history of hooking up with the wrong guys, how could I trust my own judgment about this guy? We had no plans and no committment. And one of my other visions about him was that he had seen at least one other girl relatively recently (which turned out to be true), and I definitely didn't want to compete with another girl for his attention.

So what did I do? I ignored my intuition, chalked it up to wishful thinking, and went after another wrong guy. Thankfully fate slapped me upside the head and pointed me back in the right direction. But it was one of those things... I had some really powerful dreams and visions over the course of a couple months, and they all came true. I wish I had trusted myself initially instead of second guessing everything. But maybe the bad experience was necessary to teach me how lucky I am for everything good that followed.

What scared me was that I couldn't see past Joe's deployment. I saw us together, then I saw him leaving, then... nothing.

Later, when I started to get a lot of anxiety about what might happen to him in Iraq, I began having visions of being visited by two uniformed soldiers who were presumably sent to tell me that Joe had been killed. But I fell apart into hysterical sobs before they actually said anything to me, so I don't know for sure what the outcome was. I've seen it at least 3 times. Obviously this has weighed on me very heavily. How do I tell a real vision apart from the images created by my own fear?

Finally last night, I had a new dream. I saw Joe and I together. He had been on deployment, and he was back, and I was with him. But details were odd.

For starters, I don't think we were at home. It was a room with a bed and night tables, a closet, a TV cabinet, some chairs and a love seat or bench. There was a window, but the drapes were drawn, so I couldn't see outside. It was in a larger building with other similar rooms. It reminded me of a dorm, but it could have also been a hospital, a hotel, or some other type of temporary accomodation.

We had bags, and we sort of partially unpacked them into the closet, as if we were planning to stay for a while. Although I don't know for sure that the bags belonged to both of us, or that both of us were planning to stay. It could have been just one of us staying.

We had family come to visit, and it seemed sort of awkward. It reminded me of going to the hospital to see Joe's sister when she was pregnant... the way we would go to visit, and there was nothing to do because it was a hospital. All we could do was sit and make conversation, or watch TV. Sometimes we would just sit there and not talk. There was only so much of that we could take before we had to leave. In my dream it was just like that, except we were the ones being visited by others.

The whole time this was going on, Joe was different. He was quiet, short tempered, less easy going, less openly loving. It was like he was constantly irritated, like he didn't really want to be there, or maybe he was just unhappy with the circumstances. He wasn't irritated with me, and I still felt that he loved me. But it did bother him to have family come and just sit there. He wanted to be left alone. He didn't want to talk or answer questions.

I felt frustrated because I couldn't do anything to help. But I loved him and wanted things to be better. I wanted to be there with him, no matter what.

I could interpret this all kinds of different ways if I really wanted to. What kind of place was this? Which one of us was staying? Why were we there and not at home? Why was Joe unhappy?

What's important to me is that it was a dream that involved Joe being home and alive. I hope it's a sign of things to come.

At the very least, I hope it means my anxiety has subsided a little bit. If I can see Joe being home, that means my brain has made room for other possibilities besides imminent doom. That's definitely a step in the right direction.

Sorting Hat

I don't feel well right now.

I've started to take notice of my own fragility. I could be having a great day, but one wrong conversation, question, event, movie, song, or t.v. show scene will instantly bring me down. I guess I'm on a short fuse, except I don't blow up -- I melt down.

Well-wishers at work like to talk to me about my husband. They want to know all about where he is, where he's going, what he'll be doing. They want to offer their support and positive thoughts and prayers. I appreciate their caring, I truly do. But it's hard enough to keep my focus on work during the day without my coworkers reminding me of my own fear and sadness.

Then there's Joey. Sometimes he has bad days, and sometimes he gets homesick. He's human, he's allowed. But it's hard for me to hear his voice and feel his depressed mood, especially during the times when he can't or won't explain to me what's got him down. If I was the one upset during one of our conversations, he would never let me get away without talking about it. Yet he gets away without talking about it. Of course his environment is a lot more restrictive than mine, so I have to give him some leeway.

I think I get frustrated because I have to be on his schedule and he can't be on mine. When he calls and I'm right in the middle of something, I still want to talk to him because I don't know how long it will be before I hear his voice again. But it's not always practical to. I can't always drop what I'm doing, as much as I might like to. Sometimes he whines at me when he wants to talk and I'm not available. I don't ever get to whine at him when he's not available.

And lately he's been giving me a hard time about certain things I'm doing or not doing. He's says he's just joking, but I know at some level, his joking comes from a serious place. It gets to me. I know his method of dealing with things is to joke about them, and that's okay. I just wish the joking didn't happen in a way that makes me feel like I'm not doing enough. I feel like I'm already doing so much. I don't ever get to complain about Joey not doing something. I get all the excuses about how he can't or won't because of his environment, his schedule, the rules. Sure, some of those excuses might be legitimate, but... it's not fair that he can complain and joke about my inadequacies, and I can't do the same.

Maybe I feel like I'm putting in a lot of effort and not getting enough in return? Yes. I feel drained and wasted. But it's not Joe's fault. It's not even really directed at him. He does contribute sometimes, but not all the time. Really, I think he's just the kicker on top of a big heap of stress and frustration with everything in general. Especially on days like today. I was just on the edge of having a reasonably decent day at work. It's a difficult balance, and it doesn't take much to push me into frustration. Short fuse, like I said. If he were here, and we weren't in this situation, I don't think it would bother me. It's just... my job, my family, my health, my finances. It's everything. I'm so overwhelmed and so out of energy. And I'm so alone.

My life has become focused on crossing things off my To-Do list. Just get through this thing so you can mark it "completed" and move on to the next thing. Just get through this project, this errand, this event, this day at work, this long year alone. I feel like I'm constantly taking care of things, but nobody is taking care of me. Isn't there anything that's not a chore? Isn't there anything I can look forward to that will be enjoyable and not just another burden to endure?

To be fair, it's not always like this. Sometimes I do have good days. Sometimes just parts of the day are good, and I try to grab hold of those and cherish them. I always love coming home from work at the end of the day, seeing my cats, gazing at the golden evening sunlight in the green trees, and listening to the sounds of birds and wind chimes. I love climbing into bed each night and resting in the darkness. I try to pay special attention to the things that bring me happiness.

I just wish I had more time. More time with my husband, more time at home, more time to rest. I wish everything could rewind to about 6 months ago, and slow way down.

Anyway... this is just me trying to acknowledge my feelings instead of pushing them down. Maybe when I finally see a counselor, having written all this down will make me better equipped to talk about it. I'm just trying to sort it all out so I can deal with it.

I miss my partner. I miss hugs and snuggles. I miss not being lonely all the time.