Sorting Hat

I don't feel well right now.

I've started to take notice of my own fragility. I could be having a great day, but one wrong conversation, question, event, movie, song, or t.v. show scene will instantly bring me down. I guess I'm on a short fuse, except I don't blow up -- I melt down.

Well-wishers at work like to talk to me about my husband. They want to know all about where he is, where he's going, what he'll be doing. They want to offer their support and positive thoughts and prayers. I appreciate their caring, I truly do. But it's hard enough to keep my focus on work during the day without my coworkers reminding me of my own fear and sadness.

Then there's Joey. Sometimes he has bad days, and sometimes he gets homesick. He's human, he's allowed. But it's hard for me to hear his voice and feel his depressed mood, especially during the times when he can't or won't explain to me what's got him down. If I was the one upset during one of our conversations, he would never let me get away without talking about it. Yet he gets away without talking about it. Of course his environment is a lot more restrictive than mine, so I have to give him some leeway.

I think I get frustrated because I have to be on his schedule and he can't be on mine. When he calls and I'm right in the middle of something, I still want to talk to him because I don't know how long it will be before I hear his voice again. But it's not always practical to. I can't always drop what I'm doing, as much as I might like to. Sometimes he whines at me when he wants to talk and I'm not available. I don't ever get to whine at him when he's not available.

And lately he's been giving me a hard time about certain things I'm doing or not doing. He's says he's just joking, but I know at some level, his joking comes from a serious place. It gets to me. I know his method of dealing with things is to joke about them, and that's okay. I just wish the joking didn't happen in a way that makes me feel like I'm not doing enough. I feel like I'm already doing so much. I don't ever get to complain about Joey not doing something. I get all the excuses about how he can't or won't because of his environment, his schedule, the rules. Sure, some of those excuses might be legitimate, but... it's not fair that he can complain and joke about my inadequacies, and I can't do the same.

Maybe I feel like I'm putting in a lot of effort and not getting enough in return? Yes. I feel drained and wasted. But it's not Joe's fault. It's not even really directed at him. He does contribute sometimes, but not all the time. Really, I think he's just the kicker on top of a big heap of stress and frustration with everything in general. Especially on days like today. I was just on the edge of having a reasonably decent day at work. It's a difficult balance, and it doesn't take much to push me into frustration. Short fuse, like I said. If he were here, and we weren't in this situation, I don't think it would bother me. It's just... my job, my family, my health, my finances. It's everything. I'm so overwhelmed and so out of energy. And I'm so alone.

My life has become focused on crossing things off my To-Do list. Just get through this thing so you can mark it "completed" and move on to the next thing. Just get through this project, this errand, this event, this day at work, this long year alone. I feel like I'm constantly taking care of things, but nobody is taking care of me. Isn't there anything that's not a chore? Isn't there anything I can look forward to that will be enjoyable and not just another burden to endure?

To be fair, it's not always like this. Sometimes I do have good days. Sometimes just parts of the day are good, and I try to grab hold of those and cherish them. I always love coming home from work at the end of the day, seeing my cats, gazing at the golden evening sunlight in the green trees, and listening to the sounds of birds and wind chimes. I love climbing into bed each night and resting in the darkness. I try to pay special attention to the things that bring me happiness.

I just wish I had more time. More time with my husband, more time at home, more time to rest. I wish everything could rewind to about 6 months ago, and slow way down.

Anyway... this is just me trying to acknowledge my feelings instead of pushing them down. Maybe when I finally see a counselor, having written all this down will make me better equipped to talk about it. I'm just trying to sort it all out so I can deal with it.

I miss my partner. I miss hugs and snuggles. I miss not being lonely all the time.