On My Own

After I cried out all the anger and disbelief, a strange calm settled in.

Like so many times before, I'm on my own.

There's comfort in that. I have lots of experience getting through depression by myself. I know how to do that.

Yet I still couldn't sleep last night.

I've always had this vision in my head of what a partner should be. The one person in the world who would always understand, encourage, and support, especially where others may have failed at doing so. No matter what.

But we are still two different people with different ideas, opinions, and beliefs. Different standards of what's right and wrong.

Maybe my vision wasn't realistic, and maybe I just have to let it go. We're going to disagree about some things.

I just hoped this particular issue wouldn't be the sticking point it's turned out to be. This one is important to me, more so than many others. It's my health we're talking about here. It's hard to let that go.

But... I've been more depressed than this in the past. I've been more angry and more hopeless. I've had worse job situations. I've been in terrible relationships, had bad financial problems, and all kinds of other things that were definitely worse than now.

So I'm on my own, and I'm in a tough spot, but it could be worse. I don't need Joe's approval, agreement, or even support. I've made it through things like this by myself in the past, and I can do it again.

Not my favorite place to be, but I can deal with it.

I just really hoped it would be different this time. I guess it is what it is.

Doubt

This is totally preliminary, because I really need to sleep on it before I'm going to understand what I'm thinking here. I just needed to jot it down before bed...

Joe and I had a fight which mostly stemmed from me being depressed.

Joe is frustrated because he sees me being sad all the time. He wants me to snap out of it. He thinks I could be doing more to channel... something... I didn't really understand what he was trying to say. He's also got his own issues to deal with, obviously. (I'm way over simplifying here.)

I'm frustrated because I feel that Joe isn't willing to learn more about depression and bipolar disorder, or change the way he deals with me in this context. He has pre-formed opinions about what these conditions are, and he doesn't seem willing to look at it any other way. (Again, over simplifying.)

The thing I'm having trouble with is, how can he so totally lack empathy? When I met Joe, what made me fall in love with him was the fact that he could see who I was. He saw through all my barriers, and he accepted me for who I am.

But now I feel like he sees me having these problems, and he's completely turned off to me because of it. He thinks I should just be able to control it somehow. As if I haven't already tried. He keeps trying to give me all this sage advice about how I just need to change the way I think about things. As if I haven't heard that from everyone else who doesn't understand what depression is. And when I try to explain that it works differently than that, he doesn't want to hear it.

Is it possible that I was wrong about him?

The person I love is perceptive and can see through to the heart of things. But the person I'm talking to now is refusing to look beyond the surface, even when I ask for his help. He says he doesn't know how to help me. I told him he could help by learning more and providing moral support. After a long silent pause, he said "I'm willing to learn more, but..."

This is the first time since Joe and I have been together when I really felt like I was on my own. Sink or swim, but I won't get any help from my partner, because he doesn't believe in medication, and he doesn't think a doctor can change the way I think. There's no "we're in this together" from him. All I'm hearing is a half-hearted, "it's your decision," followed up with silence because he really doesn't agree with my decision. It basically boils down to "you do your thing your way, and I'll do my thing my way." Where's the partnership in that?

Then I start thinking all kinds of crazy things, like why did I even get married? I wanted a life partner, and he was as a perfect fit for me. He filled all the holes in my life that I didn't even know I had. But now I feel like he's opening up a great big new one. Is this how he's going to react to me every time I have a depressive episode? Given the number of episodes I've had in my life, it's very unlikely that this will be the last one. Is he going to turn off to me every time it happens? Am I okay with that? Doesn't "in sickness and in health" mean anything?

I realize that I'm feeling hurt and angry because the fight is still fresh in my mind, and many of these thoughts will probably fade by morning. But even when the anger subsides, I feel like I have to think seriously about this. I've never doubted my marriage before. As soon as I made the choice to be with Joe, I was all in, for life. Do I have reason to doubt it now?

Am I just feeling this way because I'm hurt over one argument, or is it deeper than that? Is it my fault that I'm depressed? Am I really not doing enough to try to overcome it on my own? Am I just confused? What the hell is going on???

This is a very strange place to be. I almost feel like calling a crisis hotline. I am completely rattled.