Imbalance

Last night as I was laying in bed, I realized that I'm becoming detached from my husband. I hear his voice on the phone all the time, but it's always muffled and broken. It's been 3 and a half months now since I saw him last. It's like he's not real, like I just dreampt that I met someone wonderful and married him... and then I woke up to a reality where he doesn't exist.

I miss hearing his voice right next to me, not to mention seeing his face clearly, touching him, feeling his warmth, listening to his heart beat and the sound of his breath... I could go on and on.

All the things I miss.

The thought of being detached made me sad. I don't want to lose his realness. He is real.

I clutched his sweater, still scented with his cologne, and buried my face in it before drifting off to sleep.

I didn't sleep well. I tossed and turned and had strange dreams.

I was trying to get a hold of Joey. He wasn't answering phone calls or text messages and I didn't know where he was. Hours later, he showed up with a group of guys, mostly his cousins. They were all drunk. It was the middle of the day, and I was mad. I've been worried about him all this time, and he's been out drinking?!

He wanted me to take him home because he was too drunk to drive. I was so irritated that I didn't even want to deal with him. I wanted to question him, yell at him, make him understand why I was upset. But he was too inebriated to pay attention to me in the way I wanted. He just wanted to go home.

He looked at me with so much love in his eyes - I could see it, even through the intoxication. I melted.

Yeah, I was pissed off, but he was mine and I loved him, no matter what.

I took him home and put him in bed, except... home was a single bed in some elderly lady's garage??? It was like a shelter... her garage had been all cleaned out, and filled with 4 clean single beds. The garage door was wide open, so it wasn't very warm. Was I homeless again? Why do I keep dreaming about Joey and I being homeless?

Anyway... I helped him up onto the single bed, and I wedged myself in next to him. No blankets, since we were both fully clothed with shoes on.

I wanted to talk, but he was sleepy. I was still frustrated, yet still doting over him. It didn't matter that we were in a stranger's garage and we were cold. It didn't matter that he was drunk, and I was pissed off at him. All that mattered was that he was there with me, I could put my arms around him, touch him, smell him, hear him. We were together, and there was such a strong love between us.

When I woke to my alarm, I was confused. I desperately wanted to go back to sleep, to my dream where Joey was laying next to me. But my phone alarm went off then, doubling up on my clock/radio, reminding me that I had an early appointment to keep.

Before I could reach the dresser to silence my phone, one of my cats climbed up and plopped down right on top of me, as if encouraging me to stay in bed and savor the memory of my husband. He was warm and his purr was soothing. I just layed there, both alarms sounding, still confused, trying to feel Joey beside me. But all I could feel was 11.5 pounds of purring fur-ball sprawled out over my chest and stomach.

I noticed then that I still clung to Joey's sweater - I had held onto it throughout the night - and it still smelled like him. When I finally pulled it away, and sluggishly got out of bed, I could still smell him on me. The cologne on the sweater had transferred onto my shirt. That's what used to happen after I had snuggled with him, when he was still home, when I could still kiss him goodbye before work. It gave me a false sense of his presence, like I could just get back in bed, and he would be there, and we would be together.

I hurried to get take the shirt off and get in the shower, partly because I was now running late, and partly to get rid of the misleading scent. As I washed, I visualized the last fragments of him running down the drain with the soapy water. I was detaching again.

No! I thought to myself. I don't want to be detached!

Somehow I have to find a balance. I don't know how to do it. When I think of Joey being near me, I get distracted and depressed. It's hard to deal with, especially at work. Yet, when I distance myself from him mentally, I lose him. He's still in my thoughts, but he's not whole. I'm not whole.

How can I keep him near me but still function without feeling sad all the time? How can I protect myself from depression without putting up the walls?

sigh.

I just wish he could come home.