This morning I had a new message on myspace from the boy. I don't know how he managed to find an internet connection at 4:00am, under military supervision, but he did. He had been in a hotel since Monday, and early this morning, he flew to Oklahoma for training. He wanted to say goodbye one last time before he left.
I still haven't stopped thinking about him. I wonder how long this will last? Will I start to forget about him? I mean realistically, how much can I miss someone I only knew for two days? These feelings have to fade, right? Or will I keep thinking about him for the entire 4 months that he's gone? If I do, will we see each other when he comes back? How is that going to work? And how much worse will these feelings be when he gets deployed to Iraq?
The selfish part of me wishes he would wash out of boot camp so he can come home and never get sent to war. But I know that's not right. He made the choice to do this because it was what he wanted, and I'm proud of him for doing it.
But I still wish he was here. If I was wrapped in his arms right now, I would be so happy. I would be at peace.
Blah. How pathetic do I sound, blathering on about this boy? This isn't like me. Before this happened, I almost believed I was no longer capable of being affected this deeply by another human being. It had been so long, and I had become so guarded and so cold. But I was wrong. He surprised me.
It's strange how connections can happen in the most unexpected ways, and how they can change everything so completely.
I feel more lonely than ever.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Allusions Be Damned
He came back today. We talked for hours. I love talking with him.
The universe works in very mysterious ways, doesn't it?
I went to a bar that I would normally never go to. I met this boy who's waaaaay too young for me. On a strange whim, I brought him home with me - totally uncharacteristic. I slept with him, which is what you'd expect when you bring someone home from a bar, but then... Then we talked, we spent time together, we connected. I actually kinda sorta fell for this guy. I wrote it off, even though I couldn't stop thinking about him, because I figured we'd never see each other again. Then he came back today, we spent more time together, and we connected even more strongly than before. Despite all the reasons why being with him could never possibly work, I'm fairly certain that I could fall in love him. Like really fall hard! Maybe a part of me already has. Oh but he's leaving tomorrow to go to boot camp for the next 4 months, and then he's going to war. Fucking Iraq!
Could this be any more wrong? How could the universe drop this boy in my lap like this, only to take him away so swiftly? Even if he wasn't going away, it would still be wrong. In terms of background, family, personal culture, and nearly everything else, we come from completely different places. The age difference alone makes my head spin. But when we talk, there is no difference. Sure, high school was more recent for him, but aside from chronology, we're actually on the same level. That's extremely odd for me because most guys who are my age and even older aren't on my level. Yet somehow this boy is, in the most perfect way. He's wonderful! I just want to be wrapped up together with him forever.
I never expected any of this to happen. I did not go to the bar with the intention of picking up a guy. Even when I decided I wanted to spend the night with him, I didn't expect anything more than sex. Just a one night stand. I was just drunk enough for that to be okay, and that's all I wanted. But this... This was never supposed to happen.
On the other hand, I have been feeling lonely, and I DID say I wanted someone to hold me and make me feel safe. I guess I should've been more careful about what I wished for, because I got everything I wanted, and then some.
He is beautiful in every way possible, and I want him. Am I just confused? Am I just overly excited about him because I was lonely before? Or is this real?
I guess we'll see if I still feel this way when he gets back from training. But he'll only be home for a couple months before he gets sent into active duty. What happens then?
Why do things have to be so complicated?
The universe works in very mysterious ways, doesn't it?
I went to a bar that I would normally never go to. I met this boy who's waaaaay too young for me. On a strange whim, I brought him home with me - totally uncharacteristic. I slept with him, which is what you'd expect when you bring someone home from a bar, but then... Then we talked, we spent time together, we connected. I actually kinda sorta fell for this guy. I wrote it off, even though I couldn't stop thinking about him, because I figured we'd never see each other again. Then he came back today, we spent more time together, and we connected even more strongly than before. Despite all the reasons why being with him could never possibly work, I'm fairly certain that I could fall in love him. Like really fall hard! Maybe a part of me already has. Oh but he's leaving tomorrow to go to boot camp for the next 4 months, and then he's going to war. Fucking Iraq!
Could this be any more wrong? How could the universe drop this boy in my lap like this, only to take him away so swiftly? Even if he wasn't going away, it would still be wrong. In terms of background, family, personal culture, and nearly everything else, we come from completely different places. The age difference alone makes my head spin. But when we talk, there is no difference. Sure, high school was more recent for him, but aside from chronology, we're actually on the same level. That's extremely odd for me because most guys who are my age and even older aren't on my level. Yet somehow this boy is, in the most perfect way. He's wonderful! I just want to be wrapped up together with him forever.
I never expected any of this to happen. I did not go to the bar with the intention of picking up a guy. Even when I decided I wanted to spend the night with him, I didn't expect anything more than sex. Just a one night stand. I was just drunk enough for that to be okay, and that's all I wanted. But this... This was never supposed to happen.
On the other hand, I have been feeling lonely, and I DID say I wanted someone to hold me and make me feel safe. I guess I should've been more careful about what I wished for, because I got everything I wanted, and then some.
He is beautiful in every way possible, and I want him. Am I just confused? Am I just overly excited about him because I was lonely before? Or is this real?
I guess we'll see if I still feel this way when he gets back from training. But he'll only be home for a couple months before he gets sent into active duty. What happens then?
Why do things have to be so complicated?
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