This morning I had a new message on myspace from the boy. I don't know how he managed to find an internet connection at 4:00am, under military supervision, but he did. He had been in a hotel since Monday, and early this morning, he flew to Oklahoma for training. He wanted to say goodbye one last time before he left.
I still haven't stopped thinking about him. I wonder how long this will last? Will I start to forget about him? I mean realistically, how much can I miss someone I only knew for two days? These feelings have to fade, right? Or will I keep thinking about him for the entire 4 months that he's gone? If I do, will we see each other when he comes back? How is that going to work? And how much worse will these feelings be when he gets deployed to Iraq?
The selfish part of me wishes he would wash out of boot camp so he can come home and never get sent to war. But I know that's not right. He made the choice to do this because it was what he wanted, and I'm proud of him for doing it.
But I still wish he was here. If I was wrapped in his arms right now, I would be so happy. I would be at peace.
Blah. How pathetic do I sound, blathering on about this boy? This isn't like me. Before this happened, I almost believed I was no longer capable of being affected this deeply by another human being. It had been so long, and I had become so guarded and so cold. But I was wrong. He surprised me.
It's strange how connections can happen in the most unexpected ways, and how they can change everything so completely.
I feel more lonely than ever.
skip to main |
skip to sidebar
Baring of soul in progress.
3 comments:
He is giving you something to look forward to. Sometimes after you've been alone for a long time, you don't realize that you're lonely.
A new face pops into your life, and you realize you have a connection with that person. Whether it's on a physical level or other. Either way, now you are aware of the distance between you and this person. It's a feeling you get that you haven't had in a long time.
I know it's tough, but hang in there. Don't let go now because he's going to be physically further away from you. Just let it flow.
:)
(back to work for me)
Aw, thanks Jenn. As always, your comments help keep me grounded. I really appreciate your insight.
I made a decision before I got out of bed this morning. Today will be a good day. Instead of feeling sad because he's gone, I will smile at the time we spent together, and I will look forward to him coming home. :)
I loved your multi-answer answer.
Sometimes questions stick in my mind. I find a quick answer and then I think about it a bit more. Then I get my real answer.
"Pixies" love the band. Didn't know that's how they got their name. IFC channel has a documentary on about their reunion. I was only able to watch a bit. They're heavier and less hairy now.
I liked your nothing answer a lot. It rings true with me too. I'd like the freedom to bounce around doing a lot of stuff that adds up to nothing. Does that make sense?
Well, that's it for me. Have a good weekend. TGIF - right?
Post a Comment