"Date" Anxiety

So there's this guy I've hung out with a couple times at a mutual friend's house. (I haven't decided on a nickname for him yet -- that will be forthcoming.) We were all at a party there last weekend, and I spent quite a bit of time talking with him. Next day, I found him on myspace, we exchanged phone numbers and email addresses, and now we're getting together tomorrow night. It's kind of a date, but kind of not. We're not going anywhere, we're just going to hang out at his place. I expect it to be pretty low key.

Yet I'm still freaking out about it.

Part of me just thinks it's a mistake to hang out with anyone who might have real potential, because I'll just fuck it up. Part of me is excited about it, because... you know... I want a boy to hold me at night. Part of me is just plain nervous about there being a complete mismatch. How do I handle that?

He's really nice. He's easy going, interesting to talk to, fun to hang out with, and generally very kind. He might even qualify as a classic "nice guy". (Hmm, maybe that will be his nickname.) I know I will have fun with him when we meet up, but I still haven't decided if I really like him like him. I already know he likes me - I can totally tell. That makes me afraid of what will happen if I don't end up liking him in that way. I'm afraid I might rip him apart, like I did with the maintenance guy. He's so nice, I don't want to hurt him, and I especially don't want to make things weird for our mutual friend, because I know we'll all be in the same house for another party in a couple weeks.

I guess I'm back to that point where I'm afraid to let myself trust someone new, and I'm afraid to let my emotions out to mingle with someone else's. I'm also afraid of repeating what happened with the boy, where I let my physical desires do all the talking. It was okay with the boy because I knew he was leaving town - that was the whole point. But obviously I developed an emotional attachment there when I probably shouldn't have. I just don't think I'm capable of controlling myself in that way. For me, sex leads to emotional attachment. That's just how it is. Either that, or it freaks me out and leads to complete emotional detachment. I don't want that either. So really, I kind of want to avoid sex altogether.

What I really want is to get to know this person more and become friends, because I think he'd be a great friend to have. But beyond that?

It's also a little weird that I'm hanging out with the friend of a friend. Our mutual friend happens to be one of my coworkers, and consequently, several of my coworkers know this guy because they've all hung out at the mutual friend's house for parties. That puts me in the center of gossip, and I'm not very comfortable with that.

I'm going out for drinks after work tonight with the mutual friend so we can talk about this and maybe she can give me some additional background on this guy. She's known him for a few years, so she'll have some good insight. And maybe I can let her know that I'm not comfortable with a lot of people knowing about this, at least not until I figure out how I feel about the situation.

I've got a ton of what if's floating around in my brain and butterflies playing havoc in my stomach. I'm so freaked out.

In A Heartbeat

I need to vent.

Do you ever feel like you might have made a bad choice when you picked a certain path to follow, but now you're stuck with it and it's too late or too difficult or you're just too overwhelmed to get out?

Do you ever feel like you're surrounded by people who are getting ahead by doing the bare minimum, while you're working your ass off and getting nowhere? Does it make you wonder why you even bother trying?

Do you ever feel like everything you've done up to this point has been worthless? I mean, obviously it's worth something because it got you to where you are, and hopefully that's better (or at least different) than where you used to be, but still... somehow it's not good enough. It's not satisfying. You don't feel any closer to being truly happy or fulfilled. Know what I mean?

Do you ever feel like there's no point in talking about it with other people because no matter who it is, and no matter what you say, nobody gets it?

Do you ever feel let down by other people when they ask you talk to them and trust them, but then later they abandon you? How can you possibly be expected to trust someone new when all the people you've known have hurt you, lied to you, taken from you, ignored you, or abandoned you?

Do you ever wish you could just crawl into a hole and go to sleep for a long, long time, and wake up in a different life?

I'm angry and exhausted and lonely and distraught, and completely overwhelmed by it all. I don't want to be here anymore. If I didn't have to worry about paying bills, I would quit my job, go some place far away, and stay there indefinitely until I felt calm and relaxed and ready to choose my next path. Just like the Weezer song!

Let's go away for a while, you and I
To a strange and distant land
Where they speak no word of truth
But we don't understand anyway
Holiday, far away, to stay
On a holiday, far away, let's go today
In a heartbeat!

Yeah. I totally wish I could do that. Hooray for Weezer!





That is all.