Bleed It Out

All week long I've been fighting myself.

"He likes me!" [girlish giggle]

"Maybe he doesn't like me?"

"He totally likes me."

"I don't think he likes me."

It's a stupid argument because it's pretty damn obvious that he likes me. I know it, he knows it, and everyone who knows that we're dating knows it. Yet I still fight myself, I still come up with reasons why not. I am a classic over-analyzer and self-sabotager. Nothing can ever "just be".

Now I have something new to pick apart. Last night we started the "what are we?" conversation. His responses made me feel disappointed. It was the first time since I've started hanging out with him that I truly felt like running away and hiding alone. We were lying next to each other in bed, and I turned away from him and scrunched myself up near the edge. He tried to pull me back, but I resisted. I couldn't help it. In that moment I desperately needed space.

In my claustrophobic panic I suddenly became unable to articulate my thoughts. So I didn't actually tell him how it made me feel, I just reacted physically without explaining why. Now I can't decide if I should follow up with him and talk about it. He patiently and honestly answered all of my boneheaded questions, so I sort of feel like I owe him the same level of openness. On the other hand, he probably won't like what I have to say, and besides that, I get the impression he doesn't really want to deal with these kinds of talks at this early stage in our relationship. Can't say I blame him, really. Serious talks always complicate things.

He said I'm his new best friend.

Depending on how you look at it, that could either be endearing or infuriating.

"Do you kiss all your best friends?"

Seriously. I wanted to know.

My last male best friend fell in love with me, and when I didn't return the sentiment, we gradually drifted apart until one day he basically cut me off. I think he literally woke up one morning and thought "I'm going to stop talking to Andrea today." Now he's the coworker formerly known as the best friend, and things are really uncomfortable between us.

I have to wonder if I'm in the opposite position now. Maybe I'm falling in love with someone who's unable or unwilling to return the sentiment. And maybe one morning I'll wake up and decide I need to cut him out of my life.

How long do I wait before I make that decision? What if this is all he ever wants from me? I would always be waiting and wishing for something more, but it would never happen, and I would always feel disappointed.

I've been here before. I'm the absolute master of hooking up with boys who still have feelings for their ex-girlfriends, who aren't ready to take the plunge on a new relationship, who want me to be their best friend, usually with benefits, so they can have all the fun and comfort of a partnership without the responsibility of commitment or fear of getting hurt. I've been here so many times. I can't do it again. I just can't.

I don't want a best friend, dammit! I want a partner! >_< [frumpy frown] The two of us are driving out to the coast this afternoon. I decided earlier this week that I needed ocean time, to contemplate my smallness in the immensity of nature, and I invited him to go with me. If he had said no, I would've gone by myself. Now I almost wish I could. He's got an appointment at midday and can't leave until afterwards. I could ditch him if I wanted to. I could hop in the car alone and leave while he's stuck at his appointment. I know it would hurt him, and I don't want to do that, but it's awfully tempting to be selfish and take care of myself first. So here I am, fighting myself again. Over-analyzing. Nothing can ever "just be". It's worth noting that before this conversation occurred, I had the best evening with him. He called me at work and asked if he could take me out to dinner. It was like a real date! He came over, all freshly shaven and smelling good. We ate dinner and went to a movie. We talked and laughed and had a great time. He held my hand in the theater. And he wasn't all ADD! It was like he set aside an entire evening just to spend time and pay attention to me. It's been years since someone did that for me. It was really, truly wonderful. So why I can't I just count my blessings and enjoy our time together without ripping it apart ten thousand times over in my head? I must be retarded.

Conjunction or Opposition?

The stars may have aligned for me once again, if only briefly. I have slept next to the pharmacist for the last two nights. No sex. Not even kissing. We just curled up together, all our clothes still on, and slept. It was so peaceful and warm. I wanted a boy to hold me at night, and it seems I got what I wished for. It's been a great weekend.

Problem is, our core values couldn't be more different. We have a ton of fun together as long as we don't talk politics or religion. He's a gun-toting conservative catholic, and I'm a pacifist liberal pagan. He swears that society's morals are being degraded by an over-abundance of tolerance, and I swear they're being degraded by a lack thereof. What's more, he seems to want to convince me that his viewpoint is correct, and it's starting to get on my nerves.

On the other hand, when we don't talk about those things, we really get along great. We like a lot of the same movies, we both like to play video games, we both appreciate spending time outdoors, we have a similar sense of humor, and there's definitely physical attraction and chemistry, even though we've both been careful not to act on it so far.

There are a lot of things about him that are incredibly endearing. The way he talks about his family - how he misses them and wants to be part of their lives. He loves his nephew like a son, and he wants to have children of his own. He's also very kind, generous, and polite. I don't meet a lot of guys my age who have a concept of good manners.

So it's turning out to be much more complicated that I imagined. I think we're both aware of this big glaring problem, and neither of knows what to do about it. We are so similar in so many ways, yet so very different in others. How do we reconcile that? Is it possible to be together and be happy, without driving each other crazy with our opposite values?

Then there's the part where he's planning to move back east to be closer to his family. His goal is to move by next May, before his nephew's 10th birthday, although he hasn't taken any steps to actually do it. He said the only way he would stay in Oregon is if he met his soulmate and she needed to stay here.

I think I'm screwed either way. On the extremely off chance that he considers me to be his soulmate, there's no way in hell I can let him stay in Oregon just because of me. He needs to be near his family. On the more likely chance that we are not meant to be together in the long term, then I have to be very, very careful not to become too attached to him, or I'm going to be heartbroken when he leaves.

Thank nature he's aware of this too and shares the same worries. At least we don't have the problem of one of us pushing for more than the other person is ready for. We both know we need to be careful and take things very slowly.

But that also means the hesitancy continues, maybe indefinitely, or until one of us cracks and either says "all in" or "no more". It'll be interesting to see how this goes.

All I know is, sleeping with him - actually sleeping and being physically close without any expectation of sex - is so very comfortable. He puts his arms around me in just the right way. He makes me feel warm and safe and cared for. I love it. A part of me wishes I could have it every night, but I know I can't and that makes me sad. I can see him having the same dilemma.

I guess I should just continue on this path of letting things happen however they need to without having expectations one way or another. It's not the easiest thing in the world, but I don't know what else to do.



p.s. I've given up on a nickname. He will be called the pharmacist on this blog, but IRL I will always use his real name.